My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

88-133 (L)

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The farmer just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Second pass beats the rotation, Hulk to Iron Man, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Iron Man has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Iron Man breaks a shell down. Unselfish basketball. Goku passes up a good shot and hands Iron Man a GREAT one. Straight through the traffic, straight through the contact. The superhero finishes with a free throw coming and the paint suddenly feels very small.

Iron Man mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Detroit Engine-Roar fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. OHHHH that is filthy! Goku on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. The extra pass! Batman had the look, gave it up anyway, and King Kong buries it. BANG! This building is SHAKING. King Kong just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

King Kong throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Hulk grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

The players disappear. Hulk has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Intel: Hulk asked Detroit Engine-Roar for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show Let Us Make a Deal! To win a jar of pickles from 1997 with the label soaked clean off, text HOOPS to 555-0044 and answer this question: 'Why do referees always walk faster than everybody else in the building?' The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

REJECTED! King Kong gets ALL of that jumper and the building erupts!

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Batman pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. BANG is what Batman was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Hulk stopped the break and started a much bigger problem. Two free throws, the ball right back, and the officials heading to the monitor. Flagrant one on the drive. Hulk dusts himself off and walks to the line, and every possession the rest of the way is personal now.

The superhero is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Hulk rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Hulk launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Goku sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Batman lays it right on his hands in traffic! AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Goku cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the superhero, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Full stop, full sprint, and the scientist is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Pull-up from the elbow by Hulk, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

The superhero is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. The officials come back out, cross their arms, and Batman goes from hero to spectator on one signal.

Hulk refuses the coach's embrace. Goku accepts it but his body is stiff. And here is the answer to our game Let Us Make a Deal! Herschel Bumgarner of Two Silos, Nebraska, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Why do referees always walk faster than everybody else in the building?' The answer was of course because somewhere in that building there is a sandwich with their name on it. Herschel takes home a jar of pickles from 1997 with the label soaked clean off! Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

94-117 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Give the man credit for the effort, because Goku contested that from three feet behind, which is technically a contest. Illegal, and expensive. The superhero gets the goaltending call and the basket counts. Long day at the office, longer night under the rim.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

No hero ball here: Goku takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Watch the sell from King Kong here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. King Kong lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

Batman kicks it over to Hulk, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Down screen, and Hulk curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Hulk went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Batman picks up the pace. Fun fact: Batman was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. And now, our halftime TV game show Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! To win a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio, text HOOPS to 555-0119 and answer this question: 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.

Even the scientist knows better than that. You do not get to walk your man into the paint and call it a pick.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Batman and Hulk just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Ohhh no. Batman just walked. In front of everybody.

Dagger from Miami Heart-Attack. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The superhero is running this zone like he has been drawing it up his entire life. Wrong career, my friend, absolutely the wrong career.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Screened, toasted, done. Goku is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Batman threads a BEAUTY to Goku under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

The superhero turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Prayer from Iron Man. Not answered.

Somebody get the player a rim protection bonus! Clocks out at five, guarding the paint by seven. This league is a wonderful place. The pass is the play here. King Kong never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. Reverse layup by Hulk, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Timeout. Tablet out. And every line the coach draws starts with Batman. BANG! Exactly the play on the clipboard: Batman to Hulk, catch and rise.

Hulk deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. King Kong arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

Hulk refuses the coach's embrace. Iron Man accepts it but his body is stiff. And here is the answer to our game Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! Earlene Stubbs of Possum Notch, Tennessee, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' The answer was of course it depends entirely on whether the pool is paying attention. Earlene takes home a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio! I learned that Hulk's father was a superhero. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

79-123 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Watch the spacing there, Batman hits Iron Man right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Beautiful pass by Iron Man. Wrong jersey.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Orlando Magic-Beans with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The farmer reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Rises, releases, and Goku sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Iron Man treats every miss like it belongs to him. Up over the box out, and Iron Man catches it clean and finishes strong through the contact. Somebody just got posterized.

Iron Man points at Goku first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Goku again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Goku waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

Batman turns the corner off the screen from Hulk, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Clang. Hulk wants that one back.

Into the tunnel. Batman grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Physio's confession: Batman purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. And now, our halftime TV game show The Newlywed Timeout! To win a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs, text HOOPS to 555-0472 and answer this question: 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

Cross court, on a rope, from the superhero. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Hard drive, hard stop, and Goku retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. OHHHH what a FINISH from Goku! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Goku is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Iron Man never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Bless him, Iron Man tried a move he has clearly only ever pulled off in an empty gym at midnight. Walk.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Orlando Magic-Beans with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Goku passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Goku gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Off the pin-down comes the superhero with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Nobody drew up that arc. The superhero floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

King Kong gets his, then has to stand and watch the other side's best player walk down and get his right back. Ruthless exchange.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Oldest play in the book, and Batman runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. King Kong slides the hip out a full foot before contact. The official saw it, the arena saw it, everybody saw it.

Chased down from behind and wrapped up before he can get into his dribble, all courtesy of Hulk. Here comes the free throw parade.

Hulk has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Goku has aged ten years in forty minutes. And here is the answer to our game show The Newlywed Timeout! Dewey Spillman of Frostbite Flats, Minnesota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' The answer was of course three and a half miles, and the dog does not care for it. Dewey therefore wins a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs! Tonight I learned Hulk used to be a superhero before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

85-129 (L)

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Iron Man has known that all night long. A full spin move through traffic from the superhero! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. OHHHH the FADEAWAY! Batman rises over the defender and it falls through.

Slow walk, no expression. Batman backpedals past the Philadelphia Injury-Report huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

STOP AND GO! Iron Man hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. REJECTED! Iron Man takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Batman, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. That is the shot chart lying to you. Batman did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Over the top of everybody. Iron Man to Batman in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Here comes the slip from Hulk, and Batman reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Shot clock at one, and Hulk just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The players disappear into the tunnel. Hulk asks for an ice pack. Did you know Hulk started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. And now, our halftime TV game show Second Chance Second Half! To win a hand painted mailbox shaped like a catfish, text HOOPS to 555-1006 and answer this question: 'What is the population of a town on the night of a rivalry game?' Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, Iron Man drops it off perfectly for Goku diving to the rim. No touch. Goku left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

OHHHH they are coming apart! King Kong again, and the defense has no idea where to turn!

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Textbook footwork, textbook release from Goku, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board. Hustle play of the night so far. Iron Man gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. Iron Man drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Deep. Deeper. GONE. Goku drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Goku plants himself in front of the Philadelphia Injury-Report bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Towels are FLYING for the player! Going back to the day job on Monday is going to feel extremely strange after a night like this. NOT A CHANCE! Batman came flying at that pull-up and DELETED it!

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Batman threw it before the help even committed. The farmer just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! That is what heavy minutes do, King Kong has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Watch King Kong plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Iron Man out of that corner in a blink. Third one of these from Iron Man this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

Goku watches the crowd file out in silence. Batman prefers not to look. And here is the answer to our game show Second Chance Second Half! Hoyt Pennington of Dishrag Springs, Oregon, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the population of a town on the night of a rivalry game?' The answer was of course the whole town plus forty people who moved away in 1987. Hoyt therefore wins a hand painted mailbox shaped like a catfish! During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

88-110 (L)

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

OHHHH, what a read by Iron Man! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Batman rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

The farmer makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. OHHHH the hesi! Batman froze him solid and he is already gone! That stepback is unguardable once the drive gets sold, and Batman has had that defender guessing wrong all night long.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the superhero, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. King Kong splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. The farmer launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

A full spin move through traffic from the superhero! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Fifth possession this half where Iron Man has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

End of the first half. Batman is beet red but still standing. Did you know Batman keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. And now, our halftime TV game show Hee Haw Halftime Hoedown! To win a stack of TV listings magazines from the winter of 1986, text HOOPS to 555-0466 and answer this question: 'How many gallons of sweat does an average pep band produce?' Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

One hard jab step and King Kong is leaning the wrong way, and the drive goes right past his shoulder. The scientist swatted that one off the glass and handed over two free points. Somebody go over the cylinder rule at the next staff meeting.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Hulk rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead. The official flashes five toward the scorer's table and Hulk just stares at the hardwood. He knows what comes next.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Laser from Batman, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The help defender committed way too early, and King Kong made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. Oh my. King Kong did not even draw iron.

Push the pace! Batman grabs it and hits King Kong in stride before the defense can even match up. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! King Kong whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Perfect drop-off from Batman, and Goku answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Textbook two-man game: Batman keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Iron Man rolls into an open runway. Rising into two defenders, Iron Man launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the farmer. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. OHHHH that is BEAUTIFUL basketball! Hulk finishes the set and the whole bench is up.

Batman chews his nails on the bench. Iron Man stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. And here is the answer to our game Hee Haw Halftime Hoedown! Trudy Gebhardt of Sauerkraut Bend, North Dakota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many gallons of sweat does an average pep band produce?' The answer was of course just under four, and most of it from the tuba section. Trudy takes home a stack of TV listings magazines from the winter of 1986! I learned that Batman's father was a superhero. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

86-131 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Hulk who wins the little argument at center court.

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Baseline inbound, Hulk lifts it over the front of the rim, and Goku catches it in mid-air and DROPS IT IN!

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Batman, and not one single soul could do anything about it. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Batman. Cruel.

Break! Goku heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Quick anecdote about Goku: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! To win a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning, text HOOPS to 555-0129 and answer this question: 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Batman, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Batman up there and returns it with interest.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Batman drops it off to Goku on time and on target. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Goku. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Goku nothing.

Los Angeles Nursing-Home again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Eight seconds to cross one line and the superhero could not manage it. In fairness, nobody presses him at work.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Goku just did it by hitting King Kong on the back side with acres of room. The defender crowded the middle, and King Kong punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. No good. King Kong rushed that one.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Batman makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. DOUBLE DRIBBLE! King Kong picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Goku launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Nobody is getting a hand near that. King Kong has all the room in the world. A cruel spin-out for the player, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

The coach just drew up the biggest play of the night for the farmer, a sentence I did not expect to say out loud this evening. Sixty seconds in the huddle and King Kong cashes it without a single wasted dribble. Textbook.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, King Kong strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Hulk carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

Goku clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. King Kong fidgets with his wristband nervously. And here is the answer to our game The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! Homer Blevins of Lost Wallet, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' The answer was of course however the grandmother in row four says it. Homer takes home a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning! Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

78-122 (L)

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Kick out to Iron Man, one more to King Kong, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Gift wrapped by Batman, and King Kong cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the superhero made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Batman should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Snatched his ankles, and Iron Man is still checking whether they are attached. The scientist swatted that one off the glass and handed over two free points. Somebody go over the cylinder rule at the next staff meeting.

Time to breathe. Batman has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Anecdote: Batman once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. And now, our halftime TV game show Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! To win a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office, text HOOPS to 555-0278 and answer this question: 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

King Kong eats the contact so Batman can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. The superhero just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The beauty of it is that Batman never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Oh, that is rough. Iron Man killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The superhero just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Blocked into the floor. Batman will be seeing that one in his sleep.

You can teach a lot of things at this level, but not lateral quickness. Hulk is doing a fine traffic cone impression.

A full spin move through traffic from the superhero! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Missed layup for the superhero and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

SKIP PASS! Batman fires it cross court to Hulk and the defense is dead in the water! GONE down the baseline! Hulk beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Catch, rise, splash. The scientist owns the cleanest jumper on this floor and still has a shift to work in the morning.

Hulk runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Batman just took a shoulder to the chest to buy King Kong half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Buzzer on the shot clock, King Kong heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Iron Man isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Batman tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. And here is the answer to our game Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! Verna Lou Cottongim of Flat Tire, Arizona, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' The answer was of course nobody knows, because they multiply in the off-season. Verna Lou takes home a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office! During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

79-124 (L)

Iron Man gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Goku saw it a beat early. Iron Man comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Iron Man blows the wide open layup!

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Batman gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Goku put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Goku gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. The farmer tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Halftime whistle. King Kong spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Anecdote of the day: King Kong forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Bologna! To win a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore, text HOOPS to 555-0204 and answer this question: 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

Iron Man launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. A single dribble is all Hulk needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Hulk fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Batman spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! Contact, body control, feather touch. Batman makes that look routine and it is anything but.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Lazy feed into the middle, King Kong read it the whole way, and that possession is over before it started. Second rejection of the quarter for Goku, and you can see the shooters hesitating on that wing already.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The superhero just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Somebody check that job title again: the superhero hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

The farmer just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Goku drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Batman walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Hulk left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Not a hand on him. Hulk flat missed the bunny.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Batman put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! Getting to his spot and elevating, Batman puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Hulk avoids the cameras like the plague. Goku gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. And here is the answer to our game Bowling for Bologna! Faye Ellen Duckworth of Sweat Bee, Connecticut, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' The answer was of course two, and the rest are there for confidence. Faye Ellen takes home a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore! I got a text from Hulk after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

81-126 (L)

Houston Blast-Off again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Set called, Iron Man waved out to the corner, and Batman watches the spacing open up like a front door. Give and go! Iron Man gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the superhero! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Ball moves. Goku to Batman, on time and on target. Full stop, full sprint, and the superhero is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Batman!

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Halftime! King Kong walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Rumor has it King Kong talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Is Broken! To win a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip, text HOOPS to 555-0781 and answer this question: 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

CHARGE! Iron Man runs a set defender straight over and the arm goes the other way.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Goku keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. OHHHH! Goku went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

A cut with that timing from the superhero? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Batman has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Textbook two three with Batman manning the back line, and they have not seen a clean look in three trips.

The farmer reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Goku goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard. OFFENSIVE GLASS! Iron Man beats three men to the spot! Miss, tip, bucket. Iron Man makes his living in the wreckage.

Iron Man does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Goku that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Swing, swing, and Iron Man finds King Kong on the wing before the help can even turn its head. OHHHH the pin-down! King Kong pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Iron Man. Brutal. The ball skips around the perimeter, Batman finds the open man on the weak side, and King Kong buries it.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, King Kong never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Third reach charged to King Kong. At some point the officials stop giving you the benefit of the doubt, and that point was two whistles ago. Third whistle on King Kong. He could argue the first two. This one he cannot.

The scientist commits the ugliest foul of the night entirely on purpose, and honestly that is the smartest thing anyone has done all quarter.

Goku closes his eyes walking out. Hulk keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. And here is the answer to our game show The Gong Show Is Broken! Gwendolyn Pyle of Half Moon Gulch, Montana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The answer was of course somewhere between four and nineteen minutes, depending on the score. Gwendolyn therefore wins a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip! During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

75-120 (L)

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Hesitate, GO. Iron Man is by that hip before the man even blinks. Iron Man beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The superhero just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Count them with me: one step, two steps, and a third one nobody asked for. The official has seen enough of Goku.

Batman drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Two points left on the floor by Hulk, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Finally a breather. King Kong has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Small detail: King Kong wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Series! To win a jackalope postcard rack with no postcards in it, text HOOPS to 555-0398 and answer this question: 'What percentage of halftime shows are secretly the same guy?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Goku makes it every single trip down the floor. Two defenders, one gap, and Iron Man finds it. Onions on that pass. That is a dime from Batman that deserved so much better, and Goku knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Over and back on the superhero, who just lost a possession to a painted line. No defender required.

Cold blooded from Denver Horse-Track, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Clean feed from Batman, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Dribble handoff from Goku, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! The superhero had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Iron Man sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Batman finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. The crowd has found its chant, and Iron Man is going to be hearing it all night.

The superhero is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. OHHHH the pocket pass! Goku splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Kick out to Batman, one more to King Kong, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Nasty finish. King Kong hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Hulk and an assistant coach who both want to hug King Kong first. King Kong lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Over the top of everybody. Batman to King Kong in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Screen, roll, DELIVERY from King Kong! Nothing but runway to the rim! Prayer from Iron Man. Not answered.

Ball moves. Iron Man to King Kong, on time and on target. King Kong comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Batman just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Court vision like that on the superhero is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the superhero goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

Hulk rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Batman picks up his own and folds it carefully. And here is the answer to our game show Supermarket Sweep the Series! Cletus Ogletree of Hominy Corners, Oklahoma, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What percentage of halftime shows are secretly the same guy?' The answer was of course eighty six percent, and his name is Gary. Cletus therefore wins a jackalope postcard rack with no postcards in it! My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

89-121 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! King Kong rips it out of the air and we are off.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Closeout from Goku like a man chasing a bus. Late, out of control, and right into the shooter's landing space. No argument at all. Goku claps once, hands the ball to the official and heads for the chair. Four fouls, night on pause.

Batman gives it up to Goku on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Two hands on the ball, then a fresh bounce. Somewhere a youth coach is watching the farmer and quietly turning off the TV.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The players leave the court. Hulk clings to the tunnel railing. The staff told me Hulk sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show The Swap Meet Half Hour! To win a car dealership balloon man with no fan, text HOOPS to 555-1318 and answer this question: 'What is the top speed of a mascot running in oversized shoes?' The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

Two on one the other way and that is a free deuce all day long... except Goku says absolutely not. That outlet from Goku is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. Off the day job and straight into the open floor: the scientist runs the break like he does this for a living. He does not.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

No roll this time. Batman swings it right back to Iron Man above the break, and it is PURE. The superhero had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. One hard step and Iron Man owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Perfect arc. Iron Man makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Nobody touched him. Batman beat himself right there.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

One little shoulder dip from Batman and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Batman is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Verticality, timing, discipline: King Kong never bites on the pump fake and still finds a way to erase the shot.

Whistle. Moving screen on King Kong, and that one was not even close. Ball goes the other way.

Goku mutters 'damn' under his breath. Hulk says 'yeah' in the same tone. And here is the answer to our game show The Swap Meet Half Hour! Lurleen Ratliff of Sopchoppy Flats, Florida, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the top speed of a mascot running in oversized shoes?' The answer was of course nine miles an hour downhill, four uphill, and zero once the head falls off. Lurleen therefore wins a car dealership balloon man with no fan! Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

77-121 (L)

Tip is UP and Hulk gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The superhero is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. This is the counter: Hulk punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. A cruel spin-out for the superhero, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Goku gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Iron Man saw it a beat early. The defender planted his feet, and Goku said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Goku fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Halftime! Goku has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Locker room intel: Goku has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show Lingo but Nobody Speaks! To win a hot tub cover with no hot tub anywhere near it, text HOOPS to 555-0241 and answer this question: 'How many times can you refold a road map before it turns against you?' Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

POCKET PASS! Iron Man threads it to Goku between two bodies and the rim is wide open! So close. Goku can only stare at the iron.

The box score will show nothing at all for the player, just a ruined shot and a shooter who will remember that wall all night.

The farmer fouled a shooter behind the arc. Three free throws, and a timeout that is going to be extremely unpleasant. That is a brutal one to swallow. The other team is going to hunt Goku on every possession until he is gone.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Cleveland Twin-Towers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The bench has completely lost its mind over the scientist! There are lifers in this league who never get a reaction like that. The superhero just blocked a jump shot into the stands and went back on defense like it was a normal Tuesday.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The longer they stay at that monitor, the louder this place gets, and Goku is refusing to look at the big screen. Officials confirm the heel of Goku was clear of the arc, the bucket is worth three, and this thing just got tighter.

AIRBALL! Goku missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between! The shot is short, and Goku is the only man moving. He rips it out of the crowd and the possession lives. Court vision like that on the farmer is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Zero hesitation, zero conscience. Hulk made that closeout look completely pointless.

Hulk rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. Batman plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on King Kong. No good! The ball is STILL sitting in the hand of King Kong when that light comes on. Waved off.

Goku clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Iron Man fidgets with his wristband nervously. And here is the answer to our game Lingo but Nobody Speaks! Clovis Whittenberg of Number Nine Curve, New York, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many times can you refold a road map before it turns against you?' The answer was of course three, after which you simply live with it open. Clovis takes home a hot tub cover with no hot tub anywhere near it! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

83-127 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Batman has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Goku precisely where the play wanted it. Two guys on the exact same page, Goku and King Kong, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Goku, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Batman already has the defense a full step behind. Textbook two-man game: Hulk keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Batman rolls into an open runway. The superhero had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

OHHHH the separation! Batman just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Batman is walking back with both hands on his head.

Break. Goku collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know? Goku launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. And now, our halftime TV game show Briefcase Roulette! To win a portable radio that only picks up farm reports, text HOOPS to 555-0561 and answer this question: 'How many towels does a bench player go through during a blowout?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

Down screen, and Goku curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. That is the shot Goku wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

The superhero just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. The superhero just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Court vision like that on the farmer is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Up goes the shot from Batman and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Total control. Batman has this thing on a string. Off the pin-down comes the player with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Two points left on the floor by King Kong, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Not a hand on him. Batman flat missed the bunny. Muscled away at the second jump by King Kong, and this offense resets with a fresh shot clock. The player just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! The scientist just fired one in from the logo and the roof nearly came off this place. That is in nobody's job description.

Nothing but a nod. Hulk jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Boston Ring-Chasers bench looks personally insulted.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Batman controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The superhero just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! The superhero just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Batman waits with both hands on top of his head. The superhero is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

Hulk pulls his cap down over his eyes. Goku doesn't have a cap, and it shows. And here is the answer to our game show Briefcase Roulette! Ardith Sprague of Chicken Wing, Illinois, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many towels does a bench player go through during a blowout?' The answer was of course nine, and one of them is purely decorative. Ardith therefore wins a portable radio that only picks up farm reports! Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

88-132 (L)

The player just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Four minutes without a point for Hulk and his group. The offense has completely seized up. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Iron Man has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Day job, then this: the farmer reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Hulk rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

That's a wrap for now. Hulk dives into the tunnel. Intel: Hulk asked San Antonio Skyscrapers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show Win, Lose, or Shrug! To win a giant novelty check made out for two dollars, text HOOPS to 555-0075 and answer this question: 'How many pieces are missing from a jigsaw puzzle at a lake house?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Batman drops it off to King Kong on time and on target. King Kong attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! OHHHHH POSTERIZED! King Kong just ENDED that defender at the rim!

King Kong plants himself in front of the San Antonio Skyscrapers bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Batman stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Straight back to the office for the superhero, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Laser from Batman, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Hulk hands it off to Goku, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. From eight feet Hulk puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

Push the pace! Batman grabs it and hits Hulk in stride before the defense can even match up. Hulk sells the flare, plants the foot, cuts backdoor, and Batman threads it through the seam for the finish. HAMMER! Hulk goes right through the trees and throws it DOWN with the foul!

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Hulk never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Batman walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Off the pin-down comes the scientist with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Goku threads a BEAUTY to Hulk under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Watch the change of pace from Iron Man, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Iron Man beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Hold everything, they are going to the replay on Iron Man, and this building has stopped breathing. Freeze it right there: leather glued to the fingers of Iron Man, horn already screaming. No basket.

Hulk slams his fist on the bench. Goku places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. And here is the answer to our game Win, Lose, or Shrug! Maxine Skaggs of Bitter Root Draw, New Jersey, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many pieces are missing from a jigsaw puzzle at a lake house?' The answer was of course two, always the same two, and one of them is sky. Maxine takes home a giant novelty check made out for two dollars! Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

85-130 (L)

Tip goes to the scientist, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Screened, toasted, done. Goku is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. The big man never even contested it, and Goku still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The farmer just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The superhero just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Batman, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Halftime. Batman wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Intel: Batman asked Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show Jeopardy Adjacent! To win a bucket of concrete turtles from a roadside stand that closed in 2004, text HOOPS to 555-0208 and answer this question: 'Which state has the most rectangular gymnasiums per capita?' We're back! The players look fired up.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Worst possession of the night for the other team, and Iron Man just turned it into three points at the stripe. Free of charge. Fourth personal on Iron Man. The arena groans, the bench goes silent, and the other team just spotted daylight.

Clean feed from Batman, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Goku drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. The superhero misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Batman controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Iron Man punishes it with a read most guys never even see. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Hulk missed that one with real conviction.

Total control. Batman has this thing on a string. King Kong tries to force it through two bodies and finds nothing but the defender's hands.

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Ball into Iron Man at the elbow, Goku plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Nobody drew up that arc. The farmer floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say. Another extra possession courtesy of the scientist, a man who evidently boxes out at work too. Some habits do not clock out. BAAAANG! Hulk rips the offensive board and puts it right back through!

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. Hulk holds it three seconds. Goku applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and Hulk collects every last one.

Straight down the baseline goes the farmer! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. From WAY downtown! Goku launched that one from the parking lot!

Chest bump so violent that Goku and Batman both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Whistles. Monitor. And Batman standing frozen at midcourt. Cold, clinical, and correct. That monitor just took everything from Batman.

Iron Man hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Goku keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. And here is the answer to our game show Jeopardy Adjacent! Wanda Jean Stubblefield of Possum Grape, Alabama, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which state has the most rectangular gymnasiums per capita?' The answer was of course Indiana, and it is not particularly close. Wanda Jean therefore wins a bucket of concrete turtles from a roadside stand that closed in 2004! Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.