My dream soccer team — football_team 🇨🇦

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

High recovery from Joe Rogan, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. BOOOM the thai boxer pops up and prods it in! In that position, that nose for goal cannot be taught, it is in the genes. GOAL!

Knee slide from Joe Rogan right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Antony does the same down the line. Joe Rogan turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

The one-two between Joe Rogan and Antony blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical. Overlap from the thai boxer with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. The thai boxer gets dispossessed mid-dribble. That is the risk when you try it in that position, sometimes it does not come off. The thai boxer reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin.

Joe Rogan boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Clearance from the thai boxer towards Joe Rogan, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Joe Rogan launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Joe Rogan, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Quick one-two between Joe Rogan and Antony, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

The thai boxer intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Joe Rogan boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. The thai boxer throws it out to Joe Rogan, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. The thai boxer overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon.

Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. Joe Rogan takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Ball loss from the thai boxer on a dribble. In that role, taking risks is fine, but the timing has to be spot on. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Joe Rogan, you have barely touched the ball. Joe Rogan, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Despite the wages, Joe Rogan insists on a yearly caravan holiday in Skegness with the extended family. At 59 and 180, the lad folding into a caravan shower is described by teammates as 'physically heroic.' And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 2244 and answer this question: 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Joe Rogan takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Oh no, Paris Saint-Glinglin score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Joe Rogan mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Antony raises Joe Rogan's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Joe Rogan plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Joe Rogan sprays the ball into no-man's land, the pass finds nobody. Wasteful stuff at this level. High recovery from Joe Rogan! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off.

Short restart from the thai boxer to Joe Rogan, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Aerial duel lost by the thai boxer, outmuscled by the attacker. It happens to the best, but in that role you need to bounce back fast. Spectacular dive from the thai boxer! When you have a keeper who flies through the air like that, you know your team is protected. On the corner from Joe Rogan, Joe Rogan is there for the header but it goes over. So frustrating.

Joe Rogan catapults the ball towards Joe Rogan from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Joe Rogan dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Powerful run from Joe Rogan down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Pull-back from Joe Rogan, Joe Rogan has the ball and all the time in the world to pick his spot. SAAAAAVED by Joe Rogan! The strike was fizzing but the keeper dived and tipped it with his fingertips!

The thai boxer goes long for Joe Rogan, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Joe Rogan charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Joe Rogan sends in a half-hearted cross, the keeper catches it without even jumping. SUPERB take from Joe Rogan! He climbs above everyone and gathers with authority. Joe Rogan plays it along the ground to Joe Rogan, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Joe Rogan does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Antony launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Joe Rogan arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. Shot from Joe Rogan, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways.

That's that, then. Joe Rogan trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Joe Rogan hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?'. The answer was of course 27 million, and that number doubles during any form of national crisis or EastEnders cliffhanger. Norman wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-0 (W)

Good cross from the thai boxer for Joe Rogan in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. MONUMENTAL scissor kick from Joe Rogan! On the aerial delivery from Joe Rogan, he throws himself backwards and connects with the ball TO PERFECTION! GOAL right in the top corner, the crowd is in a FRENZY!

Absolutely immense from Joe Rogan! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons.

The thai boxer shifts Joe Rogan into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. Joe Rogan bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Joe Rogan lobs the defence with a silky chipped cross, Antony brings it down on his chest. Magnificent. Joe Rogan comes out to the penalty spot and grabs the ball. Aerial command, all under control. Joe Rogan lumps it long towards Joe Rogan, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done.

The thai boxer finds Joe Rogan with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Royal interception from Joe Rogan! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air.

Tidy restart from Joe Rogan along the deck to Joe Rogan, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. The thai boxer butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. Ball over the top from Joe Rogan, Joe Rogan had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

Tea and biscuits are doing the rounds in the dressing room. Joe Rogan has nabbed three custard creams before anyone else gets a look in. "Oi, leave some for the rest of us, you greedy sod," shouts Joe Rogan from across the room. The gaffer is smiling. When the biscuit tin comes out, you know things are going well. A completely made-up study from the University of Wolverhampton claims Joe Rogan's left foot generates more power than a Ford Transit. At 180 and 59 years old, the data is apparently 'peer-reviewed by Dave from accounts.' And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Joe Rogan knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Great vision from Joe Rogan who switches to Joe Rogan. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Lovely use of the ball by Joe Rogan, finding Joe Rogan in a tight pocket of space. Quality. The thai boxer lays it off first time to Joe Rogan, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Joe Rogan and Joe Rogan find each other blindfolded, instant one-two, the channel is open.

The thai boxer wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice. Lob attempt from the thai boxer, the idea is there but not the finish. In that role, it shows the ambition but it needs surgical precision. The thai boxer finds Joe Rogan with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

The thai boxer reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. The thai boxer launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Joe Rogan is eaten alive in the air by the attacker, the duel is lost beyond any doubt. Pure power won the day. Header from Joe Rogan on the perfect cross from Antony, it fliiies but it is over the bar!

Corner from Joe Rogan, Antony heads it but it sails over the crossbar. Frustrating! Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Joe Rogan picks out Joe Rogan with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

GET IN THERE! Joe Rogan slides on his knees across the wet turf, Joe Rogan piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. México No-Era-Penal can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-2 (L)

Lovely interception from Joe Rogan, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. The thai boxer winds up and sends a SCREAMER top bins! In that position, that level of power is what makes you unpredictable. GOAL!

Joe Rogan points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Antony comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Joe Rogan finds Joe Rogan with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Joe Rogan is beaten in the air on the free kick, the opponent read the flight of the ball better. WHAT A DIVE from the thai boxer! That kind of keeper gives the whole team confidence. Corner from Joe Rogan, Joe Rogan heads it with a diving effort but it goes over the bar. Shame.

Ultra-compact low block, couldn't get a needle through this. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Incredible burst of pace from Joe Rogan, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. The thai boxer whips in a classic cross for Joe Rogan in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Cross far too long from Joe Rogan, the ball bypasses everyone and goes out by the far post.

GOAL! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point? The thai boxer finds Joe Rogan in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective.

Someone has kicked over the medical kit and there are ice packs and tape rolls scattered across the floor. Nobody picks them up. Joe Rogan sits among the debris, boots off, staring at the wall. Joe Rogan has not said a word since coming in. The gaffer surveys the wreckage, literal and metaphorical, and takes a deep breath before delivering his verdict. Antony is reportedly banned from a laser tag centre in Milton Keynes after taking it 'way too seriously' during a teammate's birthday. The 26-year-old allegedly slide-tackled a twelve-year-old. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6060 and answer this question: 'In which county is it illegal to whistle at cheese?' The second period begins and Joe Rogan launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Disciplined and brave low block, this will take something special to break down. Joe Rogan comes out like a missile and blocks the strike! The attacker thought he had a clear run, the keeper said NO. The thai boxer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

The wall from Joe Rogan is perfect for Antony who collects at full speed. Two passes, one defender eliminated. That is football. Offside called against Antony. He'll be kicking himself, the ball from Joe Rogan was perfect. The thai boxer finds Antony with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Antony lays it off first time to Joe Rogan, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. The thai boxer takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon.

Joe Rogan sends an inswinging free kick in, Joe Rogan rises for the header at the far post. Aerial duel won by the thai boxer, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Joe Rogan hits it sweetly, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper punches clear. Corner. Getting heated now!

Joe Rogan rolls it to Joe Rogan, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Body feint from the thai boxer, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. Joe Rogan gets tackled cleanly by the defender mid-dribble. Possession lost. Antony anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Instinctive clearance from Antony who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

Rampart defense, the opposition can't try anything dangerous at all. WHAT A RUSH from Joe Rogan! He flew out like a rocket and grabbed the ball before the attacker could shoot! Quick throw from Joe Rogan to Antony out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Antony senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Solo run from Antony, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight.

Oh dear, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Joe Rogan and Antony do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Joe Rogan arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

The thai boxer finds Joe Rogan with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. The thai boxer opens up to Joe Rogan on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Joe Rogan gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Joe Rogan. Cross blocked from the thai boxer by the defence. The defender anticipated it, that is the eternal battle between the flank and the back line.

A loss that will linger. Joe Rogan drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. Joe Rogan texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which county is it illegal to whistle at cheese?'. The answer was of course Shropshire, where the Cheddar Protection Act of 1903 remains in force. Geraldine wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-2 (L)

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. The referee keeping an eye on it, Joe Rogan in the box, corner about to be delivered. GOOOOAL! Joe Rogan flies like a bird on the cross from Joe Rogan and powers his header into the bottom corner!

Joe Rogan kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Antony takes a knee behind him. Joe Rogan raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

High press all over the pitch, even the keeper is getting closed down. Dreadful pass from Joe Rogan, lands three yards away from the target. Joe Rogan can do nothing with that. Decisive interception from the thai boxer, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Antony steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. Antony combines with Joe Rogan from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation. Feint from Joe Rogan, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled. The thai boxer winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming.

It's in the back of the net! Dakar Teranga FC celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Joe Rogan stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Antony follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Joe Rogan plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Long ball from Joe Rogan for Joe Rogan who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. The opponent gets the better of the thai boxer in the header. In his role, that is the kind of situation where concentration must be at its peak. Joe Rogan bursts off his line and gathers the cross with both hands. Boss-level take, total command. Joe Rogan gives it to Joe Rogan into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

Joe Rogan is fighting back tears on the bench. Not dramatic sobs, just the quiet kind that come from knowing you have let everyone down. Joe Rogan puts an arm around {his} shoulder: "Come on, mate. Forty-five minutes. We have come back from worse." But the dressing room does not look like it believes that right now. A former teammate has revealed that Joe Rogan once refused to come out for the second half because his lucky socks had a hole in them. The kitman had to stitch them up at halftime. At 180, you'd think he'd have bigger concerns, but apparently not. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7799 and answer this question: 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?' And we are back underway! Joe Rogan jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Lay-off from Antony to Joe Rogan, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Joe Rogan sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Joe Rogan winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! The thai boxer throws it out to Joe Rogan, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

Joe Rogan drops the ball in from the free kick, Joe Rogan arrives at the near post. Joe Rogan climbs above everyone and powers a header... wide. What a waste.

Clearance from the thai boxer towards Joe Rogan, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Error from the thai boxer, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. Joe Rogan launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Diagonal from Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. The thai boxer bends the ball into the box for Joe Rogan. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games.

Massive clearance from the thai boxer under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Switch from Joe Rogan! The ball arcs over the midfield and Joe Rogan collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Great vision from Joe Rogan who finds Antony in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe. Cut-back from Antony, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Joe Rogan.

And there it is, Dakar Teranga FC score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Joe Rogan climbs onto Antony's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Joe Rogan circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

The thai boxer plays it simple to Joe Rogan, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Shot from the thai boxer, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Joe Rogan goes crossfield to Joe Rogan, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

Sombrero from Joe Rogan right inside the box, the audacity is outrageous. The defender will not recover from that. Rapid combination: Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Joe Rogan shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Joe Rogan launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Joe Rogan after a fifty-yard flight. Old school.

Lost it. Joe Rogan kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Joe Rogan hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many council meetings does it take to name a bench?'. The answer was of course fourteen meetings across eighteen months, plus a public consultation and a strongly worded letter from a retired colonel. Valerie wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

Joe Rogan finds the gap and serves Joe Rogan in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. GOOOOOOAL! Joe Rogan meets the pass from Antony and places an unstoppable curling effort. The keeper was a spectator!

Joe Rogan fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Antony plays the medic running in. Joe Rogan plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

The free kick from Joe Rogan sails across the entire box, Joe Rogan is at the back post waiting. Joe Rogan catches the ball in front of the attacker, immaculate handling. Joe Rogan sends an absolute rocket towards Joe Rogan, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

Short restart from the thai boxer to Joe Rogan, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Little shift from Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Sideways ball from Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. The thai boxer accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. The thai boxer gets to the byline and floats one in for Joe Rogan. Crossing is his bread and butter.

Joe Rogan swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Joe Rogan, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Oh what a challenge! Joe Rogan goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Joe Rogan throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand.

Joe Rogan changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Joe Rogan. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Bad pass from the thai boxer, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Clearance from Joe Rogan under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Joe Rogan unleashes a raking ball out to Joe Rogan, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Joe Rogan is biting {his} nails in the corner. Joe Rogan stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Here's one that'll make you smile — Joe Rogan spent three hundred quid at a Blackpool arcade trying to win a stuffed monkey from a claw machine. Didn't get it. Went back the next day with another fifty. Still didn't get it. He's 59 and absolutely committed. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0898 and answer this question: 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?' Joe Rogan leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Joe Rogan shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Joe Rogan lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Joe Rogan steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. The ball from Joe Rogan rips through the defensive curtain, Antony is flying into the space like an arrow. Antony lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating.

The thai boxer positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Joe Rogan pierces the backline with a low through ball, Joe Rogan latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent.

It's a goal! Douala Makossa-Corner go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Raw emotion: Joe Rogan cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Antony crouches beside him and speaks softly. Joe Rogan jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

The thai boxer puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs. Lovely anticipation from the thai boxer who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Joe Rogan keeps it short to Joe Rogan, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Antony slips Joe Rogan in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Through ball from the thai boxer for Antony, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Antony hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Antony lofts a cross into the box, Joe Rogan is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Corner from the thai boxer and it's CHAOS in the box! In that role, creating havoc from set pieces is absolutely vital.

Joe Rogan pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. Blistering run from Joe Rogan on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Inch-perfect cross from Joe Rogan, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Joe Rogan at the back post. OHHH the header from the thai boxer goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision. Clearance from the thai boxer towards Joe Rogan, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

Level score. Joe Rogan screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Joe Rogan boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?'. The answer was of course Biscuitgrad, which only appears on maps printed during bank holidays. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Joe Rogan drops a lofted ball to Joe Rogan, it sails over the entire midfield line. Joe Rogan puts the ball right into the mixer, Joe Rogan arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. NOOOO the thai boxer scores an own goal! In that position, this is the kind of thing that HAUNTS you. You try to do the right thing, you try to clear the danger, and you end up putting the ball in your own net. The ULTIMATE nightmare.

Joe Rogan mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Yellow card for the thai boxer for persistent protests. That booking could prove costly in this role. Joe Rogan opts for the short pass to Joe Rogan instead of shooting, catches everyone by surprise. SO CLOSE! Joe Rogan sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in.

Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Joe Rogan fires with his right and launches a satellite into orbit. The keeper scratches his head. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge.

Joe Rogan distributes by hand to Joe Rogan on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. The thai boxer shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Joe Rogan. Pure quality, as per usual. The thai boxer finds Antony along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Antony beats his man with a sharp dribble, instant change of direction.

They've scored! Lagos No-Carry-Last break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Joe Rogan is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Joe Rogan: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Now Joe Rogan has a rather unusual pre-match ritual — he has to watch a full episode of EastEnders before kickoff. If Phil Mitchell isn't in the episode, he considers it a bad omen. He's 59 years old and still won't grow out of it. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 2244 and answer this question: 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?' They are back. Joe Rogan salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. The thai boxer produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Joe Rogan drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Joe Rogan read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. The thai boxer has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was.

Emergency clearance from the thai boxer, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Joe Rogan sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Panicked clearance from Joe Rogan, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Late challenge from Joe Rogan, catches the opponent after the ball's gone. Free kick given.

Line-breaking pass from Joe Rogan! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Joe Rogan picks it up at full pace. Devastating. RUSH OUT from Joe Rogan! He charges at the opponent and smothers the ball at the feet. ENORMOUS! The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. Joe Rogan with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. The thai boxer boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Joe Rogan puts the ball right into the path of Joe Rogan, played to the inch, the space is found. Pinpoint delivery from the thai boxer towards Joe Rogan, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. The thai boxer heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on.

Joe Rogan sends a delightful lobbed cross, the ball clears the defence and drops for Joe Rogan. Volley attempt from the thai boxer, flies wide. In that role, the technique was superb, just needs a fraction more precision. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever.

Level score. Joe Rogan screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Joe Rogan boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?'. The answer was of course 27 million, and that number doubles during any form of national crisis or EastEnders cliffhanger. Norman wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-2 (L)

Oh that's poor! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Joe Rogan climbs onto Antony's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Joe Rogan circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. GOOOAL from the thai boxer! Toed in to the empty net. In that position, knowing how to be in the right place at the right time is what scores you 20 a season.

Joe Rogan mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Antony does the wave with contortionist grace. Joe Rogan solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Clinical interception from Joe Rogan, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Superb diagonal from the thai boxer to Joe Rogan, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. The thai boxer whips in a classic cross for Joe Rogan in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Joe Rogan heads it and sends the ball skimming the crossbar. Over but it was nearly perfect.

Short pass from the thai boxer to Joe Rogan, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Joe Rogan finds Joe Rogan in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class. Joe Rogan puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Joe Rogan wraps around the attacker like a python, the ref blows the whistle.

Massive clearance from Joe Rogan, just get the ball as far away as possible. The thai boxer wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Good ball from the thai boxer to Joe Rogan, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

The gaffer points at Joe Rogan: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." Joe Rogan clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. Now here's a proper one — Joe Rogan was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 180, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Bake Off the Rails! To win a soggy bottom certificate signed by Paul Hollywood, text 3412 and answer: 'What temperature should you bake a Victoria sponge if your oven only has two settings: warm and volcanic?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Joe Rogan claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

A team possessed now, everything is clicking into place. Overlap and cross from Joe Rogan, the ball drops at the feet of Joe Rogan in the heart of the box. Aerial duel lost by Joe Rogan, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in.

We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Antony pings a long diagonal to Joe Rogan, completely shifts the point of attack. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted.

Joe Rogan sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, Joe Rogan pops up between two defenders. Joe Rogan gathers the cross with both hands above the scrum. The keeper is the supreme authority in his box. Joe Rogan slides it to Joe Rogan, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Joe Rogan spots Joe Rogan peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive. Joe Rogan drifts just offside as Joe Rogan plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising!

Short build-up from Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. The thai boxer has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Joe Rogan looks up and launches a long pass towards Joe Rogan. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

GOAL for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Rehearsed move all week: Joe Rogan and Antony stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Joe Rogan plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Decisive interception from the thai boxer, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Joe Rogan fires the ball over to Joe Rogan with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Header lost by Joe Rogan, the opponent was just too strong. SAVE from Joe Rogan! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

Corner from Joe Rogan, Joe Rogan takes off and heads it but it is too high. Not coming down. Joe Rogan absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. One touch football: Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, faster than the opposition can think. The thai boxer lays it off first time to Joe Rogan, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Gutting. Joe Rogan throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Joe Rogan picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. Doris from Bakewell says volcanic obviously and Paul Hollywood gave her an approving nod through the telly. Soggy bottom certificate is hers! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-3 (L)

Absolutely dreadful! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Joe Rogan intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. GOOOOAL from Joe Rogan! BLISTERING strike that ends top corner, the keeper is on the deck!

Joe Rogan climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Antony films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Joe Rogan reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. The thai boxer lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. Wide from the thai boxer! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in.

GOAL for Montevideo Garra-Charrúa! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Emergency clearance from the thai boxer, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. They've come out breathing fire, something's cooking now.

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. Joe Rogan pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. Joe Rogan still drives the same Vauxhall Corsa from when the lad was 17, despite earning enough to buy a fleet. The 59-year-old says the rattling exhaust 'keeps you grounded, innit.' And now, our TV game show I'm a Celebrity Get Me a Cuppa! To win a flask of lukewarm tea and a rain mac, text 0800BREW and answer: 'How many sugars is too many sugars in a proper British cuppa?' The second period begins and Joe Rogan launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

The thai boxer embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional. The referee points to the spot! PENALTY for Joe Rogan! The defender fouled him in the box, impossible NOT to give it. The pressure goes up a NOTCH! POST ON THE PENALTY! Joe Rogan sees his effort come back off the upright. That's bitter. Long kick from Joe Rogan, Joe Rogan positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Joe Rogan slides, misses the ball, misses the man, misses everything. Back to square one. What a SAVE from Joe Rogan! Fingertip with the gloves, the ball goes out for a corner. That was BURNING! The corner from Joe Rogan is well dealt with by the defence, cleared without any fuss.

Joe Rogan shifts it to Joe Rogan with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Joe Rogan takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Joe Rogan crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Joe Rogan is in the right place. Poor cross from the thai boxer, the keeper collects. From that flank, you need more precision to cause damage.

What a mess! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

The thai boxer finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Antony clean through. Pure genius from that position. Antony fires wide, not far from the post though! Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Antony launches it to Joe Rogan on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

Joe Rogan shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Joe Rogan. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Offside by a nose for Joe Rogan on the ball from Joe Rogan! You'd need a microscope for that one. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. The thai boxer lays it off first time to Antony, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Foul by the thai boxer, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. Free kick played short by the thai boxer! In that position, having the game intelligence to mix up your free kicks is what makes a team unpredictable.

Joe Rogan opens up to Joe Rogan on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Joe Rogan shifts it wide to Joe Rogan on the right, lovely ball into the space. Joe Rogan threads it through to Joe Rogan, but the assistant referee has his flag raised. Offside. Monster clearance from Joe Rogan, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Joe Rogan. Burst of speed from the thai boxer down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs.

Defeat. Joe Rogan sits on the pitch long after the whistle, knees pulled up, replaying every mistake in his head. Joe Rogan comes back out from the tunnel to get him: "Come on, mate. Can't stay here all night." The groundsman's already got the sprinklers going. Deirdre from Blackpool says three sugars and after that you're basically drinking syrup. Flask of tea and rain mac for Deirdre! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Joe Rogan rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Antony jumps on his back, Joe Rogan is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Clever short corner from Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, they're trying to break the defensive block. The thai boxer slides a perfect cut-back for Joe Rogan in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class. GOOOAL from the thai boxer! Classic tap-in. In that position, those easy goals are what end the season as top scorer.

Knee slide from Joe Rogan right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Antony does the same down the line. Joe Rogan turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Incredible solo charge from the thai boxer, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition. Joe Rogan is CUT DOWN in the box by the defender! Penalty! The referee is sure of himself, he points to the spot. The moment is VITAL, nobody is breathing in the ground! Joe Rogan's penalty clatters the crossbar and bounces back! That is a nightmare. Short distribution from Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

Joe Rogan delivers a tidy ball to Joe Rogan, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Joe Rogan slides the ball along the ground for Joe Rogan, the keeper is stranded on this cut-back. Joe Rogan winds up the right foot and LEEEEETS FLY! On target, heading top bins but the keeper claws it out!

It's there! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Joe Rogan mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Antony plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Joe Rogan plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Joe Rogan, you have barely touched the ball. Joe Rogan, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Joe Rogan accidentally went live on Instagram while singing Spice Girls in the bath. The clip hit 2 million views before the 59-year-old even noticed — Mel B reportedly sent a thumbs up. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8989 and answer this question: 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?' Antony is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Joe Rogan finds Antony between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Quick exchange between Antony and Joe Rogan, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Joe Rogan puts Joe Rogan into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. The thai boxer roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head.

Terrible tackle from the thai boxer on the attacker. At that level and in that position, there's no excuse for going in like that. Joe Rogan is booked for a high boot. Dangerous play, the ref had no choice. Dangerous delivery from the thai boxer on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. Huge aerial duel won by Joe Rogan, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane.

Clearance from the thai boxer towards Joe Rogan, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. The thai boxer dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. Joe Rogan spreads it to Joe Rogan, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Key pass from Joe Rogan! It fizzes between the lines and Joe Rogan collects on the run, the defence is left for dead.

Joe Rogan clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Joe Rogan slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. CRAAACKER from Antony outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide! Corner from Antony but it is cleared at the near post by a defender.

The referee points to the SPOT! Penalty for Joe Rogan! The defender committed the foul in the box, there is ZERO doubt. The pressure is at MAXIMUM! Penalty missed by the thai boxer! In that position, when the pressure breaks you on a penalty, it's AGONY, but champions bounce back.

Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment. Joe Rogan sends his cross sailing over everyone, Joe Rogan cannot even get close to it. Joe Rogan rises higher than anyone and gathers with both hands. Masterful. Joe Rogan sets it for Joe Rogan, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Joe Rogan closes the top corner... with his foot! Impossible piece of goalkeeping, the ball goes for a corner. The thai boxer finds Antony with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Joe Rogan sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Joe Rogan reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which day of the week weighs the most in Grimsby?'. The answer was of course Thursday, at approximately 47 kilograms, mostly due to the accumulated dread of Friday. Pauline wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-2 (L)

Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. Antony sees what nobody else sees and puts Joe Rogan through on goal with a genius through ball. Oh my word the touch from Joe Rogan! A SILKY lob over the keeper, the ball descends ever so gently and nestles in the back of the net. GOAL of an ARTIST, that is top drawer football!

Joe Rogan floats a cross in from the wing for Joe Rogan, the ball hangs in the box! GROTESQUE own goal from Joe Rogan! He attempts an overhead kick to clear and smashes the ball into his own net! Oh you WALLY!! Even if you TRIED to do that you could not, this is GENIUS in reverse!

Joe Rogan mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Antony plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Joe Rogan plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

They've scored! Rio Malandro FC find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Joe Rogan puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like. Joe Rogan plays it simple to Joe Rogan, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Give and go from the thai boxer with Antony, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold.

They've scored again! Rio Malandro FC are running riot and we can't cope.

The gaffer grabs a marker and circles a spot on the tactics board: "This space here. Between their centre-back and full-back. That is where we win this match." He turns to Joe Rogan: "You find that pocket, you receive, you go. No messing about. Joe Rogan, you make the run to drag the defender." Nods all round. Joe Rogan once bumped into David Attenborough at a Tesco Express and panicked so badly the 59-year-old dropped an entire basket of Pot Noodles. Sir David apparently whispered 'fascinating specimen.' And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 3141 and answer this question: 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Joe Rogan wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. What a ball from Joe Rogan! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Joe Rogan is away on his own. That is velvet. SHOOOOOT from Joe Rogan, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide! Corner from Joe Rogan, the defence heads it clear, the ball is punted well away from the box.

Joe Rogan sees Joe Rogan peel off and plays him in on the short corner, they're setting up the second wave. Smooth transition from Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, no delay, the game keeps flowing. SHOOOOT from the thai boxer! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure.

Applying the tourniquet, it's become a case of when not if. Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Intense pressing from the thai boxer, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team. Nutmeg from the thai boxer on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role.

A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Joe Rogan puts it right into the feet of Joe Rogan, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Joe Rogan skins the defender with a quick shimmy, the opponent will not see the ball again. The thai boxer pulls it back along the ground for Joe Rogan. The low cut-back is his trademark. Joe Rogan plays the simple ball to Joe Rogan, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

Joe Rogan absolutely legs it back to catch the attacker and gets there just in time. What an effort. A sickening crunch as Joe Rogan catches the attacker full on the shin. The crowd gasps. Straight red for the thai boxer after violent conduct. In that position, you simply cannot afford to lose your head like that. Joe Rogan's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment.

Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. The thai boxer finds Joe Rogan along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The thai boxer lays it off first time to Antony, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Antony uses Joe Rogan as a wall, the return is instant, Antony carries on into space. Crystal clear.

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. Ball claimed by Joe Rogan on the cross, total authority in his box. Joe Rogan boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Joe Rogan! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. The thai boxer switches the play to Joe Rogan, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

Level score. Joe Rogan screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Joe Rogan boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What noise does a disappointed scone make?'. The answer was of course a sort of moist sigh, like a librarian who has lost her bookmark. Colin wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

The thai boxer delivers the corner and it's pandemonium! In that position, a quality delivery into the danger zone is exactly what you need. Tap-in from Antony on the delivery from Joe Rogan, he just had to push it into the empty net.

Joe Rogan spots Joe Rogan in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Poor decision from Joe Rogan on that pass, it is completely telegraphed and the opposition reads it. The thai boxer trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. Yellow card for Joe Rogan, caught the opponent on the shin with a wild lunge.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

The corner from the thai boxer is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. The thai boxer hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Crossfield pass from Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet.

Massive diagonal from Joe Rogan! Joe Rogan receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Great overlap from Joe Rogan down the flank, pinpoint cross for Antony in the area. This is the moment. Antony jumps but his marker gets the better of him, dominated in that duel.

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. Joe Rogan pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. Joe Rogan turned up to a school reunion in full kit and boots, apparently misreading the invitation. The 59-year-old spent the evening doing keepy-uppies in the car park while everyone else had a carvery. And now, our TV game show Would I Lie to the Council! To win planning permission for a shed, text 0800SHED and answer: 'How many forms does it take to get planning permission for a garden shed two inches too tall?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Joe Rogan knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Free kick from Joe Rogan played as a cross, Joe Rogan positions himself at the far post. The thai boxer tries to cross but it is blocked. In that position, you know not every ball is getting through. Joe Rogan takes his corner to the near post but a defender is there to cut it out.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Joe Rogan wants to find Joe Rogan between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted. Enormous anticipation from Joe Rogan who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Brilliant switch of play from Joe Rogan! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Joe Rogan.

Joe Rogan plays it in, Joe Rogan lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and Joe Rogan is off again. Magnificent. The thai boxer overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Low cut-back from the thai boxer for Joe Rogan. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality.

Joe Rogan scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. Joe Rogan links up with Antony, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Antony makes a mess of a simple pass to Joe Rogan, the ball bobbles and ends up with the opposition. They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat.

Oh no, it's in! Istanbul Cehennem FK punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Joe Rogan sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Antony photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Joe Rogan plays it short to Antony, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Firm pass from Antony into Joe Rogan, right into the boots. No waste. Change of flanks from Joe Rogan, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Antony.

Joe Rogan triggers the one-two with Joe Rogan in tight spaces. It goes, it comes back, and the defender is left watching planes. The overlap from Joe Rogan, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Dribble attempt aborted for Joe Rogan, the defender reads the play and steps in. Joe Rogan reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately.

It's over and Istanbul Cehennem FK take the points. Joe Rogan shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Joe Rogan walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. Roger from St Albans says forty-seven forms and a two-year waiting period for the shed. Planning permission granted for Roger! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

Shoulder charge from Joe Rogan on the opponent, just a bit too forceful for the ref's liking. Free kick swung in by Joe Rogan, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Joe Rogan is lurking. GOOOOAL! Joe Rogan places his header from the cross by Joe Rogan, immaculate!

Joe Rogan anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Monster press from Joe Rogan! He runs, he hounds, he harasses, and he ends up winning the ball. The opposition cannot breathe. Joe Rogan feeds Joe Rogan in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Joe Rogan triggers a change of flanks for Joe Rogan, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. The thai boxer plays it simple to Antony, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Good ball from Antony to Joe Rogan, playing it quick between the lines. Flash wall from Joe Rogan for Joe Rogan who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation.

Corner cleared, the thai boxer finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. The thai boxer accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Joe Rogan attempts a feint but the defender does not bite. Clean ball loss. Classy interception from Joe Rogan, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Joe Rogan sends an aerial beauty to Joe Rogan, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Superb tackle from the thai boxer, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Joe Rogan plays it into the channel for Antony, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Antony rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Joe Rogan mimics the referee's running style down the corridor and the entire dressing room loses it. Even the kit man is doubled over. Joe Rogan wipes tears from {his} eyes. The gaffer tries to bring order but cracks a smile himself. "Alright, alright, save the comedy for after the match. We have got 45 minutes to see this through." Inside information from the dressing room — Joe Rogan insists on having a Tesco meal deal exactly ninety minutes before every match. Chicken and bacon sandwich, salt and vinegar crisps, and a Ribena. No substitutions. The nutritionist has simply given up. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Joe Rogan knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Joe Rogan throws it out quickly to Joe Rogan, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Aerial duel won by Joe Rogan, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Joe Rogan lays it off first time to Joe Rogan, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Joe Rogan tries from distance and CRAAACKS it! On target but the keeper pushes it aside. Unlucky.

Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. Antony accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Antony plays it simple to Joe Rogan, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Joe Rogan takes his time and plays it short to Joe Rogan. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Joe Rogan throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Monumental ball from Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

Clean lay-off from the thai boxer to Joe Rogan into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. Overlap from Joe Rogan on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. The thai boxer gets his cross wrong, too much juice on it. The intent is there but the execution lets him down tonight. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over.

Iron defense, every ball cleared with authority. The thai boxer boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Raking ball from the thai boxer to Antony, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

The whistle blows and Joe Rogan lets out a breath he's been holding for ninety minutes. Joe Rogan claps him on the back: "Told you we'd do 'em." The gaffer's already planning the next match, but tonight? Tonight belongs to the lads. And the pub. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

PENALTY for the thai boxer after a handball! In that position, when you can create these moments, you're a GAME-CHANGER for the team. Joe Rogan steps up to the spot and SMAAAASHES it! The keeper dives, the ball is on the other side. GOAL!

Joe Rogan and Antony do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Joe Rogan arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Joe Rogan rolls it to Joe Rogan, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The thai boxer rolls it back along the ground for Joe Rogan. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches. Big strike from the thai boxer, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

GOAAAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Joe Rogan mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Antony does the wave with contortionist grace. Joe Rogan solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Firm pass from Joe Rogan into Joe Rogan, right into the boots. No waste. Joe Rogan picks out Joe Rogan with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Good ball from the thai boxer to Joe Rogan, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Joe Rogan sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Joe Rogan is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Joe Rogan is flagged offside but it's INCREDIBLY tight! Joe Rogan's pass deserved better than that. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Joe Rogan plays it simple to Joe Rogan, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. Joe Rogan grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Joe Rogan is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. Dietitians have given up on Joe Rogan, who eats a chip butty with gravy before every home game. At 59 years old, the Northerner insists it's 'proper fuel' and the nutritional data 'doesn't apply up here.' And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 9911 and answer this question: 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Joe Rogan claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

Joe Rogan swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. Joe Rogan threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Joe Rogan bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Awful pass from Joe Rogan, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start. Interception from Joe Rogan who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Joe Rogan. The thai boxer boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Their midfielder is hounded off the ball, hoofs it into the stands. The thai boxer misplaces his pass to Joe Rogan, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Joe Rogan with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Solo charge from Joe Rogan, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. Joe Rogan lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off!

Joe Rogan with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Joe Rogan delivers a tidy ball to Joe Rogan, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Joe Rogan floats it into the gap for Joe Rogan, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot. The thai boxer gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. What a block! Antony slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest.

Joe Rogan decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination. Smart pass from Joe Rogan into the hole for Joe Rogan, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football. Offside. Joe Rogan was desperate to get in behind but strayed beyond the line when Joe Rogan passed.

GOAAAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

With one swing of the boot, Joe Rogan finds Joe Rogan on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. That is a tackle of the highest order from Joe Rogan. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Quick exchange between Joe Rogan and Joe Rogan, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Crafty ball from Joe Rogan into the gap, Joe Rogan arrives into the space and collects on the move. Joe Rogan is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Joe Rogan is shaking his head.

The thai boxer slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. The thai boxer plays it simple to Joe Rogan, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Joe Rogan pings a ridiculous diagonal to Joe Rogan. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Joe Rogan stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Joe Rogan walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. Sevilla Olé-Olé are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?'. The answer was of course up to nine, though anything past six risks structural sigh failure. Nigel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

And that's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Joe Rogan climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Antony films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Joe Rogan lobs it over the centre-backs, Joe Rogan arrives at pace and finds himself clean through. Oh the OVERHEAD from Joe Rogan! That is MAGNIFICENT! The cross from Joe Rogan is PERFECT, Joe Rogan throws himself backwards like an acrobat and smashes the ball home! GOAL OF EXCEPTION, the crowd is DELIRIOUS!

Joe Rogan sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Antony snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Joe Rogan waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Crucial intervention from the thai boxer, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. The thai boxer spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Joe Rogan. That is exactly why he is out there. What FINESSE on the strike from Joe Rogan! On the cross from Joe Rogan, he caresses the ball and it is in the corner!

Joe Rogan plays it simple to Joe Rogan, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Good ball from Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, playing it quick between the lines. Joe Rogan beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. BANG! Joe Rogan hits it! On target, it's flying but the keeper is there and gathers at the second attempt.

Sideways ball from Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Joe Rogan gives it to Joe Rogan into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. The thai boxer reads the movement before anyone else and puts Joe Rogan into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. Quick dribble from Joe Rogan, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. Joe Rogan rolls it to Antony, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Joe Rogan is biting {his} nails in the corner. Joe Rogan stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Joe Rogan still drives the same Vauxhall Corsa from when the lad was 17, despite earning enough to buy a fleet. The 59-year-old says the rattling exhaust 'keeps you grounded, innit.' And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 7272 and answer this question: 'Which British town was accidentally built upside down?' Here come the lads. Joe Rogan jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

The corner from Joe Rogan is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Emergency clearance from the thai boxer, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Joe Rogan beats the defender with a double touch, escaping in a tight space. Strong.

They push up as a unit, the opposition can't string two passes together. Joe Rogan presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Good ball from Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, playing it quick between the lines.

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Wing switch from Joe Rogan, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Joe Rogan brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. The thai boxer plays it simple to Antony, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

The thai boxer puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. The thai boxer sees his cross deflected behind for a corner. It happens, but you have got to keep delivering from that side. Corner cleared by the defence, the thai boxer was on set piece duty. In that position, you need to find the timing and the area to beat the defence from these situations. Raking ball from the thai boxer to Joe Rogan, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Well spotted by Joe Rogan who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Joe Rogan rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Joe Rogan. The far side is completely deserted. The thai boxer misplaces his pass to Antony, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Joe Rogan frees up the entire channel for Joe Rogan with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot.

Ball into space from the thai boxer for Joe Rogan, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. The thai boxer overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Wasted cross from the thai boxer, it goes out for a throw. At this level, you expect better delivery from the crosses. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

Level. Joe Rogan picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Joe Rogan waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which British town was accidentally built upside down?'. The answer was of course Scunthorpe, which explains why the drains are on the roof and everyone walks on the ceiling. Brenda wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-2 (L)

Lay-off from Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Intense pressing from Joe Rogan, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Joe Rogan hangs around the box like a vulture! And BAM, he turns the smallest scrap into a goal. GOAL!

Joe Rogan sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Antony snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Joe Rogan waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

High recovery from the thai boxer who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. Joe Rogan anticipates the run from Antony and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. GOOOAL! Antony unleashes a cannonball that ends its run in the back of the net. The bar shook!

Raw emotion: Joe Rogan cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Antony crouches beside him and speaks softly. Joe Rogan jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Joe Rogan rolls it to Joe Rogan, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The timing is everything: Joe Rogan releases the ball at the perfect moment and Joe Rogan explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. The thai boxer winds up and puts it into orbit. In that position, good to have a go but the accuracy was completely absent.

GOAL! London Three-Pints have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

The referee grants extra minutes, both teams digging into their last reserves. The thai boxer finds Antony along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Antony sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Joe Rogan. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. The thai boxer bends the ball into the box for Antony. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games.

Joe Rogan is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Joe Rogan: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Inside info here — Joe Rogan insists on sitting in the same seat on the team bus, second row, window side. If anyone takes it, he stands in the aisle and stares at them until they move. At 59, he's earned that level of passive aggression. And now, our TV game show I'm a Celebrity Get Me a Cuppa! To win a flask of lukewarm tea and a rain mac, text 0800BREW and answer: 'How many sugars is too many sugars in a proper British cuppa?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Joe Rogan takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. What a STRIIIIKE from Joe Rogan! Arrowing towards goal, on target but the keeper produces an absolute worldie! Joe Rogan whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post.

The corner from the thai boxer is cleared with ease. In that position, when the defence keeps heading it away, it is time to change the game plan on corners. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Joe Rogan sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced.

GOAAAL for London Three-Pints! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Joe Rogan legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Antony tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Joe Rogan puts in a nice corner but it is headed away at the near post by an opponent. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Joe Rogan lets fly with his left foot, WHAT A STRIIIIKE! On target but the keeper claws it away for a corner!

Antony meets the corner from Joe Rogan with a header, it drifts wide of the post. Short restart from Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, building from the back nice and tidy. Acceleration from Joe Rogan down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Floated cross from Joe Rogan off the right, Joe Rogan has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible.

Joe Rogan spots the run from Joe Rogan and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! Joe Rogan unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. Driven kick from Joe Rogan to Joe Rogan, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Joe Rogan switches the play to Antony on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Antony rises above the pack and wins the header with ease. He got so high it looked like he had springs in his boots.

The thai boxer produces a showpiece skill in open play. In that position, when you pull that off, you have got the entire stadium in the palm of your hand. Joe Rogan burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Overlap on the left from Joe Rogan, floated cross towards Joe Rogan who rises highest at the far post. The thai boxer thumps his header wide of the post. In that position, chances like that do not come around often, shame about the accuracy. Joe Rogan goes long for Joe Rogan, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

A draw. Joe Rogan claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Joe Rogan tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." Deirdre from Blackpool says three sugars and after that you're basically drinking syrup. Flask of tea and rain mac for Deirdre! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'