My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

85-129 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Right through the window. Barry Allen to LeBron James on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Watch the feet on LeBron James there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

The superhero is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Superman comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! A cruel spin-out for the superhero, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the superhero, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Watch the spacing, LeBron James drags two bodies toward the ball and Barry Allen is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. The superhero just created that shot from scratch and drained it. Not bad for somebody clocking in at a real job tomorrow morning.

Down by the baseline, Barry Allen points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Hulk is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Detroit Engine-Roar coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Halftime. Barry Allen glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. They say Barry Allen has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! To win a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash, text HOOPS to 555-0804 and answer this question: 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Set called, LeBron James waved out to the corner, and Barry Allen watches the spacing open up like a front door. Watch the sell from LeBron James here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. No touch. LeBron James left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Michael Jordan breaks a shell down. Whirl, and GONE! Hulk leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Watch the footwork from Hulk: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on LeBron James. Super slow motion catches the defender grazing it on the way out, and you could hear the gasp when that angle hit the big screen for LeBron James.

The bench has completely lost its mind over the superhero! There are lifers in this league who never get a reaction like that. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Hulk was at the other free throw line when that break started!

Hard drive, hard stop, and Barry Allen retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Barry Allen lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Michael Jordan gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Long and gone. Michael Jordan floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Michael Jordan threw it before the help even committed. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on LeBron James, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! LeBron James cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

LeBron James refuses Detroit Engine-Roar's handshake. Superman offers a limp one with just his fingertips. And here is the answer to our game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! Ricky Don Sturgill of Sassafras Bottom, Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' The answer was of course that the scarf lobby got to the rules committee in 1954. Ricky Don therefore wins a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash! During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

107-85 (W)

Screen, pop, SPLASH! Barry Allen kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. The superhero had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

LeBron James went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second. Another extra possession courtesy of the superhero, a man who evidently boxes out at work too. Some habits do not clock out. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Superman gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. That is another catch and shoot triple for LeBron James, and you can see the closeouts getting more desperate every single trip.

LeBron James rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. Hulk plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

No hero ball here: LeBron James takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Off the pin-down comes the scientist with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Hulk probes to the right, pulls the string, and rises over a helpless closeout from twenty six feet. Splash.

Miami Heart-Attack again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Halftime. Barry Allen wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Confession: Barry Allen calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And now, our halftime TV game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! To win a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone, text HOOPS to 555-0914 and answer this question: 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.

OHHHH the separation! Michael Jordan just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. The filthy euro-step in traffic was the idea, but the feet got greedy and the whistle blew Michael Jordan dead.

They do not teach that in the superhero handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Onions! Michael Jordan did that with a hand in his face.

Hesitate, GO. Michael Jordan is by that hip before the man even blinks. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Michael Jordan walk away from it.

Chest bump so violent that Michael Jordan and Superman both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Whistle! LeBron James gets him on the arm. Personal foul, nothing clever about it. Thirty-four hard minutes, every ounce of it left on the floor, and now LeBron James watches the ending in a warm-up jacket.

Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A superhero making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Superman nothing.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Michael Jordan makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Oh my. Hulk did not even draw iron.

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Michael Jordan waits with both hands on top of his head. Freeze it right there: leather glued to the fingers of Michael Jordan, horn already screaming. No basket.

Hulk hits a dab in 2026. Barry Allen does an ironic dab. Michael Jordan has no idea what that is. And here is the answer to our game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! Lavonne Stackhouse of Grease Rag Creek, Delaware, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' The answer was of course six hundred and twelve, and most of them in the Midwest. Lavonne therefore wins a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone! Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

108-116 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Unsportsmanlike foul on Michael Jordan, and this one costs double. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jordan is flat on the floor, the crowd is howling, and the call comes back flagrant. Two shots and the ball.

The scientist gets whistled for the swipe. Forty honest hours a week and here he is, picking pockets in front of twenty thousand witnesses. The best defender on this floor is headed to the bench with four. Hulk goes off with his hand still up, insisting he was straight up and down.

Watch the spacing there, LeBron James hits Hulk right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The scientist just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Two defenders in the lane, Hulk splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

The noise climbs past whatever the building was engineered for, and Hulk uses it to kneel down and retie a shoe that was already tied. Double knot, no hurry, eyes on the laces. Barry Allen stands over him like a bodyguard while somewhere down there a coach calls a play into a hurricane and loses.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The players file out. LeBron James exchanges a tense look with the coach. Exclusive info: LeBron James is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Winding Down! To win a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it, text HOOPS to 555-0509 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Michael Jordan has known that all night long. Hulk stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. The scientist launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Barry Allen drops it off to Michael Jordan on time and on target. Barry Allen just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Michael Jordan half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. That is what heavy minutes do, Michael Jordan has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Hold everything, they are going to the replay on Michael Jordan, and this building has stopped breathing. That is a HUGE possession. Michael Jordan keeps the ball with this thing hanging by a thread.

Baseline wide open. Michael Jordan said thank you. The defense keeps turning contested looks by Michael Jordan into free points. STOP REACHING. Two shots, two makes. Michael Jordan does not flinch.

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

SKIP PASS! Barry Allen fires it cross court to Hulk and the defense is dead in the water! Court vision like that on the scientist is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Awful shot by Superman with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

No roll this time. Barry Allen swings it right back to LeBron James above the break, and it is PURE. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on LeBron James. Cruel.

Take the foul, live with whatever happens at the line. Michael Jordan clamps down on the ball handler and the whistle does the rest.

Superman pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Michael Jordan takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. And here is the answer to our game show Match Game Winding Down! Georgette Blalock of Little Persimmon, North Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' The answer was of course the regret, by about eleven minutes. Georgette therefore wins a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it! Behind the scenes, I learned Michael Jordan was also a superhero in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

111-84 (W)

The shooter saw Hulk rising into his eyeline, rushed the release, and caught nothing but the side of the rim. Turn it over against this team and Michael Jordan is gone the second the ball changes hands. Those transition points keep stacking up.

Michael Jordan climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Superman refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Michael Jordan left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! TRAVEL! Michael Jordan took the scenic route to the rim and the whistle ended the tour.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Ball moves. LeBron James to Hulk, on time and on target. Hulk tries to force it through two bodies and finds nothing but the defender's hands.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and LeBron James just did it by hitting Hulk on the back side with acres of room. Oldest play in the book, and Hulk runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. That is the kind of finish that changes a defense's body language, and Michael Jordan has already done it twice this quarter.

Halftime! Barry Allen checks his stats on the board and winces. Juicy intel: Barry Allen turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Seventy-Eight and a Half! To win a hand-crank ice cream maker missing the crank, text HOOPS to 555-0413 and answer this question: 'What is the average lifespan of an ink pen at a bank?' The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.

Michael Jordan gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because LeBron James saw it a beat early. Unselfish basketball. Michael Jordan passes up a good shot and hands Barry Allen a GREAT one. Perfect arc. Barry Allen makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Kisses the biceps, one and then the other, and Barry Allen strolls to the free throw line like a man on vacation. Hulk fans him with a rolled-up game program. The bench is in tears. Even the guy running the game clock is grinning into his monitor.

Dribble handoff from Barry Allen, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Third look from distance for Superman tonight and the arc keeps flattening out, tired legs writing checks the jumper cannot cash. Hustle play of the night so far. Michael Jordan gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. Miss, tip, bucket. Michael Jordan makes his living in the wreckage.

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Camping in the paint again, Hulk. At some point somebody is going to hand him a sleeping bag.

STOP AND GO! Michael Jordan hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. That is the shot Michael Jordan wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! LeBron James chases the referee half the length of the floor and pays for it with a technical.

Onions from the sideline! The head man eats a technical standing up for LeBron James, and that entire bench LOVED it.

Hulk does a handstand. Superman holds him by the feet. The crowd holds its breath. And here is the answer to our game Match Game Seventy-Eight and a Half! Roscoe Tidwell of Frog Level, Alabama, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the average lifespan of an ink pen at a bank?' The answer was of course nine minutes, after which it goes home with a man named Gary. Roscoe takes home a hand-crank ice cream maker missing the crank! Did you know that Superman practices superhero on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

118-92 (W)

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Michael Jordan makes it every single trip down the floor. One hard step and Hulk owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. The scientist just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Phoenix No-Defense, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

OHHHH this thing is out of control! Hulk will not let that rival star have the last word tonight!

Clean feed from LeBron James, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. From WAY downtown off the pop! Superman with the extra pass and CASH. Buzzer on the shot clock, Barry Allen heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Swing, swing, and Michael Jordan finds Barry Allen on the wing before the help can even turn its head. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Barry Allen the moment he crosses half court. Watch the footwork there from Barry Allen on the catch, squared up before the ball ever arrives. That is exactly why it goes down so clean.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Barry Allen is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Halftime whistle. LeBron James flops into the first available chair. Intel: LeBron James refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Ankle! To win a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska, text HOOPS to 555-0212 and answer this question: 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.

The superhero pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Runner in the lane by Barry Allen, high off the fingertips, straight down through the net. Splash!

Barry Allen sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Phoenix No-Defense bench does not find it funny. Michael Jordan pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

You cannot teach that: the scientist sacrifices the body, and every soul on that bench loses their mind.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Barry Allen controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Watch the change of pace from Hulk, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Rim out for Hulk, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Push the pace! Barry Allen grabs it and hits Hulk in stride before the defense can even match up. This is the counter: Hulk punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. BRICK! Superman throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

LeBron James kicks it over to Hulk, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Hulk has all the room in the world. No good. Hulk rushed that one.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Michael Jordan rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Reverse layup by Michael Jordan, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Michael Jordan points at Hulk first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Hulk again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Hulk waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

LeBron James drops to his knees and kisses the court. Michael Jordan pretends to gag. And here is the answer to our game The Weakest Ankle! Delbert Yoakum of Cold Biscuit, Missouri, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' The answer was of course fifteen, though eleven of those are purely spiritual. Delbert takes home a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska! I learned tonight that LeBron James used to be a superhero. That explains the unique running style. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

112-105 (W)

The referee tosses it high and Superman rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Michael Jordan, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Barry Allen whips the extra pass across the arc, Michael Jordan rises without a dribble, and SPLASH.

BAAAANG! Barry Allen sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. That is the shot chart lying to you. Superman did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Total control. Barry Allen has this thing on a string. The superhero just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Michael Jordan had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

That's a wrap for now. LeBron James dives into the tunnel. Intel: LeBron James once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! To win a garden gnome missing both arms, text HOOPS to 555-0712 and answer this question: 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

Laser from Michael Jordan, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A scientist making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. LeBron James beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

OHHHH THE CHASEDOWN! LeBron James comes from nowhere and pins it on the glass! LeBron James grabs it, turns, and slings a one-hander three quarters of the floor. Filthy. Superman attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Barry Allen already has the defense a full step behind. Barry Allen sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. LeBron James lays it right on his hands in traffic! Give and go! Barry Allen gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Soft touch from Barry Allen, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Michael Jordan pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Rises, releases, and Michael Jordan sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Two guys on the exact same page, Barry Allen and Hulk, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. The superhero just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

Barry Allen sprints to the sideline, hops onto the scorer's table and raises both fists. The stat crew grabs their laptops and security is already moving. A trainer hauls him down by the shorts before anybody gets fined. Worth it, obviously.

OHHHH they are getting FRUSTRATED! Barry Allen has dribbled out almost the entire shot clock without breaking a sweat.

LeBron James and Superman leap onto each other like kids. Michael Jordan comes sprinting in and crushes them both. And here is the answer to our game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! Travis Wayne Trundle of Hardtack, Indiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' The answer was of course the grandmother, by a margin researchers declined to publish. Travis Wayne therefore wins a garden gnome missing both arms! Evening confession: I'm wearing LeBron James's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

97-119 (L)

Michael Jordan sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Barry Allen finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Michael Jordan up there and returns it with interest.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Barry Allen has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Hulk precisely where the play wanted it. Hulk crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the scientist is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Hulk is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

A superhero breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Barry Allen he is on the wrong end of it.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Halftime! Hulk has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Small detail: Hulk whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Rebound! To win a first place pepper jelly ribbon from the 1996 state fair, text HOOPS to 555-1327 and answer this question: 'What is the official color of the squeak sneaker makes on a wet floor?' Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.

Michael Jordan kicks it over to Superman, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. The superhero reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Superman hands it off to Barry Allen, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Superman has it on a string tonight.

Nothing but a nod. Superman jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Toronto Border-Patrol bench looks personally insulted.

LeBron James launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Superman pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Nobody drew up that arc. The superhero floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

The entry pass never comes, the count keeps running, and Hulk gets whistled out of his own paint.

Barry Allen walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. The defender planted his feet, and Michael Jordan said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Michael Jordan, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Over the top of everybody. LeBron James to Superman in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Look how low Superman keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Way short from Superman off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The defender climbs right over the top of Hulk for the rebound, and there was nothing gentle about it.

Whistles. Monitor. And Michael Jordan standing frozen at midcourt. OHHHH the cruelty! Two tenths, and Michael Jordan gets absolutely nothing.

Superman mutters while walking out. LeBron James watches from the corner of his eye, worried. And here is the answer to our game show The Weakest Rebound! Earlene Tidwell of Gizzard Ridge, Tennessee, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the official color of the squeak sneaker makes on a wet floor?' The answer was of course a light mustard yellow, per the county Department of Squeaks. Earlene therefore wins a first place pepper jelly ribbon from the 1996 state fair! On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

120-93 (W)

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Barry Allen drops it off to Michael Jordan on time and on target. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jordan whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and LeBron James is walking back with both hands on his head.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to superhero the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Hulk fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

SKIP PASS! Michael Jordan fires it cross court to Hulk and the defense is dead in the water! Hulk gives it up to Superman on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. POCKET PASS! Superman threads it to Barry Allen between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Barry Allen gets into the paint, sees the shot blocker rising, and simply lifts it over the top of him. Never had a prayer.

Ice in the veins: Barry Allen taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Michael Jordan passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Whistle! Michael Jordan got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. First one drops clean through, the second one never even touches iron. Cold blooded from Michael Jordan.

Halftime. The physio pounces on Superman to massage his thighs. Anecdote: Superman tried to impress the Minnesota Ice-Wall players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. And now, our halftime TV game show Card Sharks and Minnows! To win a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz, text HOOPS to 555-0209 and answer this question: 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and LeBron James has known that all night long. The beauty of it is that Michael Jordan never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Down, up, and gone for LeBron James. The rim is just toying with him now.

The box score will show nothing at all for the superhero, just a ruined shot and a shooter who will remember that wall all night. Rebound, look, gone. Hulk to Superman and this is a footrace now. OHHHH the speed of Superman! Nobody in this building was catching him.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Superman does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

OHHHH the hesi! Barry Allen froze him solid and he is already gone! Barry Allen rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Barry Allen! Nothing but runway to the rim! The superhero gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Michael Jordan just did it by hitting Hulk on the back side with acres of room. A cut with that timing from the scientist? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. The scientist tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Watch how they bury Michael Jordan in the corner on the inbound. Nothing happens until he moves, and by then the defense is beaten. Look at the spacing here, two shooters lifting to drag the help, and that leaves Superman an easy read to Hulk in the pocket. Chess.

Hulk and Barry Allen carry Superman like a trophy across the entire court. And here is the answer to our game Card Sharks and Minnows! Norma Jean Slaughterbeck of Grease Rack, Indiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' The answer was of course approximately one confident toddler. Norma Jean takes home a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz! Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

104-105 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Reach-in on Hulk. He wanted the steal, he bought a foul. Three fouls on the scientist before halftime. He clocks in, he throws two elbows, he clocks right back out.

ISO! Michael Jordan has him on an island and nobody is coming to save that man. Feet were down. Michael Jordan drove through a brick wall, and the officials agree with the brick wall.

Over the top of everybody. Michael Jordan to Barry Allen in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Off the pin-down comes the superhero with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. That is vision. Barry Allen sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Hulk attacks the paint, absorbs the bump, twists his body all the way around the defender and reverses it in. FILTHY.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how LeBron James breaks a shell down. Straight down the baseline goes the scientist! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Perfect drop-off from Superman, and Hulk answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

The players file out. Barry Allen exchanges a tense look with the coach. Exclusive info: Barry Allen is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. And now, our halftime TV game show Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! To win a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office, text HOOPS to 555-0278 and answer this question: 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Barry Allen controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Hulk does. The crowd has found its chant, and Hulk is going to be hearing it all night.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Michael Jordan threw it before the help even committed. The superhero runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Hulk rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Full stop, full sprint, and the superhero is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. AIRBALL! Barry Allen missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Barry Allen gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because LeBron James saw it a beat early. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Barry Allen has all the room in the world. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the superhero is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

Ball moves. LeBron James to Hulk, on time and on target. Down screen, and Hulk curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Hulk punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Somebody check that job title again: the superhero hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

Superman mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Houston Blast-Off fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

OHHHH, what a read by LeBron James! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. DOUBLE DRIBBLE! Michael Jordan picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

Hulk punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Barry Allen slides down the wall to the floor. And here is the answer to our game Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! Verna Lou Cottongim of Flat Tire, Arizona, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' The answer was of course nobody knows, because they multiply in the off-season. Verna Lou takes home a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office! I got a text from Hulk after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

98-126 (L)

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Barry Allen did all the dirty work on that one. So close. Superman can only stare at the iron.

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Barry Allen. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Barry Allen drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

LeBron James kicks it over to Michael Jordan, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Michael Jordan comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Barry Allen just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Jab, jab, STEPBACK. Barry Allen snatched his ankles and let it go clean.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Barry Allen strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Superman carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

Halftime! Barry Allen is limping slightly heading off the court. Locker room anecdote: Barry Allen talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. And now, our halftime TV game show Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! To win a bowling trophy from a league that never existed, text HOOPS to 555-0192 and answer this question: 'What is the flavor of blue?' The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

Set called, Hulk waved out to the corner, and Barry Allen watches the spacing open up like a front door. Nobody in this building saw that cut coming except the scientist, and you cannot teach that kind of feel in any line of work. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Hulk rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Barry Allen just did it by hitting Hulk on the back side with acres of room. Left, right, gone. Hulk put that defender on skates and never even looked back. The scientist had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

One little shoulder dip from Michael Jordan and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Up goes the shot from Michael Jordan and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Twenty-four seconds, zero shots. Superman holds it, the buzzer sounds, and we give it back without ever testing the rim.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

A cut with that timing from the superhero? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Off the back iron for Barry Allen, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

Textbook two-man game: Barry Allen keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Superman rolls into an open runway. That is a dime from LeBron James that deserved so much better, and Superman knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Inbounds pass and Hulk is on him instantly, two hands on the jersey, whistle. The clock freezes at nineteen point four.

Hulk rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Barry Allen picks up his own and folds it carefully. And here is the answer to our game Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! Elmer Tunstall of Split Rail, Vermont, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the flavor of blue?' The answer was of course blue, which has been blue since 1968 and nobody has improved on it. Elmer takes home a bowling trophy from a league that never existed! Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

87-116 (L)

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Michael Jordan kicks it over to Barry Allen, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Screen, hesitation, delivery, Barry Allen drops it off perfectly for LeBron James diving to the rim. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, LeBron James fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Superman wraps him up with nobody between the ball and the rim, and the officials do not hesitate for a second. Flagrant one on the drive. Superman dusts himself off and walks to the line, and every possession the rest of the way is personal now.

Laser from Barry Allen, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Here comes the slip from Hulk, and Superman reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Missed layup for the scientist and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Halftime! Barry Allen walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Did you know? Barry Allen tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Bologna! To win a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore, text HOOPS to 555-0204 and answer this question: 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

OHHHH, no no no! Barry Allen steps into a contested step-back with eighteen on the clock and clangs it. Greedy.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The superhero just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Barry Allen has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Five straight misses now for LeBron James, and every voice in that huddle has gone quiet. Not a bad shot, not a blocked shot, just no shot at all from Barry Allen. Somehow the worst outcome available.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Barry Allen already has the defense a full step behind. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Hulk and Michael Jordan just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Catch, rise, splash. The scientist owns the cleanest jumper on this floor and still has a shift to work in the morning.

Hulk does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Barry Allen that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

That is a forced shot from the superhero that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Michael Jordan treats every miss like it belongs to him. Second chance points for Michael Jordan, tipping his own miss straight back in before his feet ever touched the floor.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Michael Jordan never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

LeBron James goes fishing at the point of attack, the ball handler feels the hand on his elbow, and the arm goes straight up. There is no choice to make here. Four fouls with this much clock left means LeBron James sits and the lead has to survive without him.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Barry Allen has known that all night long. Michael Jordan attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Shot clock at one, and Michael Jordan just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Hulk pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Superman takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. And here is the answer to our game Bowling for Bologna! Faye Ellen Duckworth of Sweat Bee, Connecticut, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' The answer was of course two, and the rest are there for confidence. Faye Ellen takes home a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore! During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

106-119 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and LeBron James threw it before the help even committed. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Superman the moment he crosses half court. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Superman launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Ball into Barry Allen at the elbow, LeBron James plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Michael Jordan threads a BEAUTY to LeBron James under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Hard drive, hard stop, and Superman retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Superman, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Halftime! Superman looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Little secret: Superman listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And now, our halftime TV game show Second Chance Second Half! To win a hand painted mailbox shaped like a catfish, text HOOPS to 555-1006 and answer this question: 'What is the population of a town on the night of a rivalry game?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

The superhero is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. That is the third live-ball giveaway of the half, and each one has been the same read: Hulk deciding late and throwing early.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. OHHHH the pocket pass! Michael Jordan splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Hulk blows the wide open layup!

A single dribble is all Michael Jordan needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Feet already set, hands already ready. Michael Jordan takes the feed from Barry Allen and cashes it.

Michael Jordan slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Snatched his ankles, and Michael Jordan is still checking whether they are attached. Slap across the wrist, and the crew saw every bit of it. Hulk pays for that one.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Michael Jordan has known that all night long. Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then LeBron James rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Rim out for LeBron James, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

The defender crowded the middle, and Michael Jordan punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Two points left on the floor by Michael Jordan, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

The coach just drew up the biggest play of the night for the superhero, a sentence I did not expect to say out loud this evening. That is the third time out of a timeout tonight that LeBron James has gotten a look this clean. The whiteboard is undefeated.

Slow walk, no expression. LeBron James backpedals past the Cleveland Twin-Towers huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

Michael Jordan punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Barry Allen slides down the wall to the floor. And here is the answer to our game show Second Chance Second Half! Hoyt Pennington of Dishrag Springs, Oregon, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the population of a town on the night of a rivalry game?' The answer was of course the whole town plus forty people who moved away in 1987. Hoyt therefore wins a hand painted mailbox shaped like a catfish! I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

106-93 (W)

Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Superman has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up. Michael Jordan SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. That is pure want-to: Michael Jordan was the only man on the floor who decided that rebound belonged to him.

Stone silence for one second, then Michael Jordan lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. LeBron James answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The superhero is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. The help defender committed way too early, and Hulk made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. Gift wrapped by Barry Allen, and Hulk cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Barry Allen retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Barry Allen, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Halftime! Michael Jordan checks his stats on the board and winces. Rumor has it Michael Jordan has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Barry Allen has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Superman precisely where the play wanted it. The superhero just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Not a hand on him. Superman flat missed the bunny.

LeBron James felt it, the bench felt it, the arena felt it, and the rim felt absolutely nothing.

Clean feed from Michael Jordan, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Superman never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! The superhero just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Michael Jordan and an assistant coach who both want to hug Superman first. Superman lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Barry Allen walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Right idea, no zip on it, and at this level Hulk either puts some heat on that ball or he keeps it in his hands.

Michael Jordan stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Wrapped up the arm on the gather, plain as day. Michael Jordan gets two, and the bench is already standing. Boring is beautiful, and Michael Jordan is automatic from the stripe. That is how you close a game out.

LeBron James sizes him up from twenty-five feet, two hard dribbles right, a shoulder fake, and the crowd starts to rise. That is a charge on LeBron James, and you can hear the groan roll around every level of this building.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Barry Allen controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from LeBron James, and not one single soul could do anything about it. You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about LeBron James.

LeBron James and Barry Allen run circles around Hulk who doesn't move. Zen. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

104-118 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Michael Jordan launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH the hesi! Hulk froze him solid and he is already gone! Stepback three from the scientist, ice in his veins. You cannot teach that, and apparently you cannot keep it out of the workforce either.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The superhero is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Superman turns the corner off the screen from LeBron James, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, LeBron James goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Superman gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Michael Jordan saw it a beat early. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Superman passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. The big man never even contested it, and Superman still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Michael Jordan walks head down toward the tunnel. Intel: Michael Jordan asked San Antonio Skyscrapers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase to the Dollar Store! To win a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care, text HOOPS to 555-0225 and answer this question: 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Laser from Michael Jordan, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Superman, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Oh my. Superman did not even draw iron.

Watch the spacing, Barry Allen drags two bodies toward the ball and Superman is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Superman went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

OHHHH the pin-down! LeBron James pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Michael Jordan. Brutal. REJECTED! LeBron James takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

SKIP PASS! LeBron James fires it cross court to Superman and the defense is dead in the water! Superman drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Rising into two defenders, Michael Jordan launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Michael Jordan makes it every single trip down the floor. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Superman, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. BANG is what Superman was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

The superhero just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? The scientist just double dribbled in front of a sold-out building. Nobody back at work is ever letting that one go.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how LeBron James breaks a shell down. Kick out to Hulk, one more to Barry Allen, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. The superhero just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

Barry Allen deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. LeBron James arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

Hulk's complexion is grey. Michael Jordan's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. And here is the answer to our game The Chase to the Dollar Store! Lurlene Dobbins of Rusty Spoon, New Mexico, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' The answer was of course fifty-one seconds, give or take a conscience. Lurlene takes home a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care! Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

101-102 (L)

Ball into Superman at the elbow, LeBron James plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to LeBron James.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. LeBron James is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Barry Allen has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Hulk precisely where the play wanted it. Off the pin-down comes the scientist with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. From eight feet Hulk puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

Here comes Michael Jordan sprinting off the elbow. Barry Allen slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Heat check for Michael Jordan and it is GOOD. He is COOKING, and this building knows exactly what it is watching.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Into the tunnel. Barry Allen grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Rumor has it Barry Allen talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. And now, our halftime TV game show Let Us Make a Deal! To win a jar of pickles from 1997 with the label soaked clean off, text HOOPS to 555-0044 and answer this question: 'Why do referees always walk faster than everybody else in the building?' Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.

Nobody is touching the paint with the scientist parked in the middle of it. That is a full time defender doing a part time job, or the other way around. He tried to rise over Michael Jordan. That was a mistake, and the ball is now several rows deep.

From WAY downtown off the pop! Barry Allen with the extra pass and CASH. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the superhero, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

The superhero pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the superhero is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Barry Allen stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Barry Allen the moment he crosses half court. Oh my. Barry Allen did not even draw iron.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

In a game this tight, Superman cannot be giving away a free point over a call that was never coming back. Unforgivable.

A whole possession dies in the hands of the superhero without a single attempt going up. Back to the day job for a rethink.

HERE WE GO! Barry Allen with the rock and everything riding on whatever happens next! HEARTBREAK. That is the entire margin between a legend and a footnote, and Barry Allen is on the wrong side of it tonight.

Superman isolates in a corner, back against the wall. LeBron James tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. And here is the answer to our game Let Us Make a Deal! Herschel Bumgarner of Two Silos, Nebraska, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Why do referees always walk faster than everybody else in the building?' The answer was of course because somewhere in that building there is a sandwich with their name on it. Herschel takes home a jar of pickles from 1997 with the label soaked clean off! During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.