My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

85-129 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Victor Wembanyama winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Left, right, gone. Stephen Curry put that defender on skates and never even looked back. OHHHH! Stephen Curry went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Stephen Curry pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. That is the shot Stephen Curry wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Time to breathe. Chris Kyle has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Fun fact: Chris Kyle tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. And now, our halftime TV game show High Rollers Low Ceilings! To win a beach towel printed with a map of a landlocked county, text HOOPS to 555-1024 and answer this question: 'How many timeouts can a coach call before the crowd revolts?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Stephen Curry has known that all night long. Michael Jordan sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Chris Kyle lays it right on his hands in traffic! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jordan scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, Michael Jordan tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

Stephen Curry does not love that call. Both hands in the air, a long look at the official, and the whistle still counts. Losing Stephen Curry to fouls changes this defense completely, because nobody left on that roster can handle the matchup.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Watch the spacing there, Michael Jordan hits IShowSpeed right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Here comes the slip from Chris Kyle, and IShowSpeed reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. The navy seal hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

Michael Jordan kicks it over to Stephen Curry, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Stephen Curry attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Michael Jordan threads a BEAUTY to Stephen Curry under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

SKIP PASS! Stephen Curry fires it cross court to IShowSpeed and the defense is dead in the water! The rapper reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. The rapper just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Get that one framed. Chris Kyle took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

ISO! Michael Jordan has him on an island and nobody is coming to save that man. Head down, no read, no plan. Michael Jordan bulldozes the help defender and gives away a possession for absolutely nothing.

The rapper is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. The building went up, the building came right back down, and IShowSpeed is staring at a scoreboard that never moved.

IShowSpeed mutters while walking out. Victor Wembanyama watches from the corner of his eye, worried. And here is the answer to our game show High Rollers Low Ceilings! Marlene Trickett of Cornsilk Junction, South Dakota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many timeouts can a coach call before the crowd revolts?' The answer was of course three, and the fourth one starts a conversation nobody enjoys. Marlene therefore wins a beach towel printed with a map of a landlocked county! I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

110-96 (W)

IShowSpeed times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

That is the third time out of a timeout tonight that Stephen Curry has gotten a look this clean. The whiteboard is undefeated.

Stephen Curry does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Victor Wembanyama that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

The rapper is running this zone like he has been drawing it up his entire life. Wrong career, my friend, absolutely the wrong career.

Swing, swing, and Chris Kyle finds IShowSpeed on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to rapper the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Buzzer on the shot clock, Stephen Curry heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Break! Victor Wembanyama has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Anecdote: Victor Wembanyama lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. And now, our halftime TV game show The Price is Wrong, Bob! To win a velvet painting of a raccoon in a tuxedo, text HOOPS to 555-0187 and answer this question: 'What is the middle name of the man who invented the folding chair?' Back in action! The coach got the message across.

You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Victor Wembanyama has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving. Nobody put a body on Chris Kyle and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. Second pass beats the rotation, Chris Kyle to Victor Wembanyama, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Soft touch from Victor Wembanyama, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Down by the baseline, Victor Wembanyama points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Michael Jordan is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Miami Heart-Attack coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Dagger from Miami Heart-Attack. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Michael Jordan has all the room in the world. OHHHH what a FINISH from Michael Jordan! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Michael Jordan mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Miami Heart-Attack fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Michael Jordan goes fishing at the point of attack, the ball handler feels the hand on his elbow, and the arm goes straight up. Most defenders get to use their hands. Michael Jordan has five, so he is out there guarding with his eyebrows.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Victor Wembanyama precisely where the play wanted it. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Victor Wembanyama, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Zero hesitation, zero conscience. Victor Wembanyama made that closeout look completely pointless.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Victor Wembanyama never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. Michael Jordan stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Not a hand on him. Michael Jordan flat missed the bunny.

Screened, toasted, done. Stephen Curry is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. That is the shot chart lying to you. Stephen Curry did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Stephen Curry launches his shoe into the air. Michael Jordan catches it. Standing ovation. And here is the answer to our game The Price is Wrong, Bob! Wendell Frobisher of Gravy Fork, West Virginia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the middle name of the man who invented the folding chair?' The answer was of course Delbert, and the man himself never once sat down. Wendell takes home a velvet painting of a raccoon in a tuxedo! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

105-116 (L)

OHHHH the help side! Chris Kyle comes flying out of nowhere and that drive is DEAD on arrival!

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

OHHHH the pin-down! Stephen Curry pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Victor Wembanyama. Brutal. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Stephen Curry drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

That is what heavy minutes do, Stephen Curry has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper. OFFENSIVE GLASS! Stephen Curry beats three men to the spot! Stephen Curry crashes the glass, snatches that miss out of the air and hammers it home. Onions!

Stephen Curry throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Chris Kyle grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Halftime. The doctor examines Chris Kyle's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Little secret: Chris Kyle has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. And now, our halftime TV game show Press Your Luck Harder! To win a bumper sticker collection covering one entire tailgate, text HOOPS to 555-0362 and answer this question: 'In what year was the jump ball invented by accident during a barn raising?' Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

The help defender committed way too early, and Stephen Curry made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. REJECTED! Stephen Curry takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Cross court, on a rope, from the navy seal. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Victor Wembanyama, and not one single soul could do anything about it. You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about Victor Wembanyama.

Victor Wembanyama throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Chris Kyle grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

You judge a locker room by moments like this. Michael Jordan makes the play, and every man on that sideline erupts right along with him. Chris Kyle times the leap perfectly and swallows that layup whole. Put it on the front page, that is the play of the night.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Stephen Curry rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead. Fourth personal on Stephen Curry. The arena groans, the bench goes silent, and the other team just spotted daylight.

The offense stalls, Michael Jordan gets stuck on the wing with no exit and nobody flashing open, and the shot clock eats him alive.

Ejection for the navy seal. Forty hours a week of keeping it together, and it all came apart in one swing under the rim.

Not a bite on the pump fake, Victor Wembanyama stays tall, and the floater dies on the iron.

Chris Kyle's complexion is grey. IShowSpeed's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. And here is the answer to our game show Press Your Luck Harder! Bobbi Sue Yarborough of Sawmill Bottom, Georgia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'In what year was the jump ball invented by accident during a barn raising?' The answer was of course 1871, in a hayloft, by two men arguing about a rooster. Bobbi Sue therefore wins a bumper sticker collection covering one entire tailgate! Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

115-99 (W)

No hero ball here: Stephen Curry takes what the defense gives and moves it along. The rapper just handed that one straight to the other team. Hey, nobody is perfect at two jobs at once.

Onions from IShowSpeed! He plants himself in front of a freight train and just wears the whole thing.

GONE down the baseline! Michael Jordan beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Michael Jordan pump fakes, gets the defender airborne, and walks right into his chest. Free throws. Spin, one dribble, up and in. Then Michael Jordan does the whole thing again. Zero drama, two points.

Hands out, palms up, Michael Jordan shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. Victor Wembanyama is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

Perfect timing, no contact, no whistle from IShowSpeed, just a clean swat and a stance that dares anybody else to try it. Steal, sprint, slam. IShowSpeed takes the Stephen Curry feed and puts it down before anyone gets back.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, IShowSpeed takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Michael Jordan pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Chris Kyle just did it by hitting Stephen Curry on the back side with acres of room. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Stephen Curry punishes it with a read most guys never even see. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Victor Wembanyama. Cruel.

Players head to the locker room. Chris Kyle has tape on three fingers. Locker room intel: Chris Kyle has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! To win a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA, text HOOPS to 555-0938 and answer this question: 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' We're back! The players look fired up.

Clean feed from Michael Jordan, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. OHHHH the hesi! Stephen Curry froze him solid and he is already gone! Down, up, and gone for Stephen Curry. The rim is just toying with him now.

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Stephen Curry does. Nasty finish. Stephen Curry hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

Stephen Curry did that, and now the loudest twelve people in this arena are all wearing the same uniform he is. Snatched! Stephen Curry came out of NOWHERE for that one.

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

A single dribble is all Chris Kyle needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. That is a dime from Stephen Curry that deserved so much better, and Chris Kyle knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Watch how they bury Chris Kyle in the corner on the inbound. Nothing happens until he moves, and by then the defense is beaten. BANG! Exactly the play on the clipboard: Chris Kyle to Victor Wembanyama, catch and rise.

Victor Wembanyama deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. Chris Kyle arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

Stephen Curry and Chris Kyle pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. And here is the answer to our game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! Dwight Hufnagel of Bogwater, Maine, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' The answer was of course the excuses, because they come with packaging. Dwight therefore wins a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

97-113 (L)

Trapped in the corner of the backcourt, IShowSpeed picks up his dribble, and the clock does the rest.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Chris Kyle makes it every single trip down the floor. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Stephen Curry slips it to IShowSpeed right in the pocket. Surgical. Gift wrapped by Victor Wembanyama, and IShowSpeed cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Ball moves. Michael Jordan to Stephen Curry, on time and on target. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Stephen Curry did all the dirty work on that one. Victor Wembanyama lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Halftime whistle. IShowSpeed flops into the first available chair. Anecdote: IShowSpeed slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! To win a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash, text HOOPS to 555-0804 and answer this question: 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.

Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Stephen Curry, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Stephen Curry rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Eight on the shot clock, Michael Jordan gets a piece of the entry, and the whole set is dead on arrival. The pass is the play here. Victor Wembanyama never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. Stephen Curry owns the highlight reel tonight.

Stephen Curry holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to IShowSpeed flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Look at IShowSpeed mouthing an apology toward his own bench before the call is even announced. He knew instantly.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Laser from Stephen Curry, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Victor Wembanyama rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. They do not teach that footwork anymore, and yet here is Victor Wembanyama running a full masterclass on the low block.

Kisses the biceps, one and then the other, and Victor Wembanyama strolls to the free throw line like a man on vacation. IShowSpeed fans him with a rolled-up game program. The bench is in tears. Even the guy running the game clock is grinning into his monitor.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

OHHHH the separation! Michael Jordan just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Up goes the shot from Michael Jordan and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Reach-in on Victor Wembanyama. He wanted the steal, he bought a foul. OHHHH the whistle! Number five on Victor Wembanyama, and this bench cannot believe what it just saw.

Chris Kyle launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. One hard step and Stephen Curry owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Shot clock at one, and Stephen Curry just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Stephen Curry and IShowSpeed share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. And here is the answer to our game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! Ricky Don Sturgill of Sassafras Bottom, Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' The answer was of course that the scarf lobby got to the rules committee in 1954. Ricky Don therefore wins a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash! On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

113-88 (W)

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits Chris Kyle in stride before the defense can even match up. Watch the sell from Chris Kyle here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Chris Kyle, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Victor Wembanyama on time and on target. The defender crowded the middle, and Victor Wembanyama punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Victor Wembanyama has it on a string tonight.

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Victor Wembanyama does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Chris Kyle puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Watch Stephen Curry plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Michael Jordan out of that corner in a blink. Perfect drop-off from Stephen Curry, and Michael Jordan answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

This is the foul that gets your night cut short. Chris Kyle has to contest with a high hand and land in his own space. Brutal timing on that whistle. This team loses its rim protection the moment Chris Kyle takes a seat, and the paint is wide open now.

Halftime whistle. IShowSpeed flops into the first available chair. Anecdote: IShowSpeed slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And now, our halftime TV game show Last Call Bingo! To win a lifetime pass to a museum of regional soil, text HOOPS to 555-0150 and answer this question: 'How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a scoreboard?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the navy seal, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. IShowSpeed turns the corner off the screen from Victor Wembanyama, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Two guys on the exact same page, Victor Wembanyama and Stephen Curry, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Deep. Deeper. GONE. Victor Wembanyama drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Chris Kyle breaks a shell down. Straight down the baseline goes the rapper! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. IShowSpeed blows the wide open layup!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Watch the change of pace from Michael Jordan, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. BAAAANG! Michael Jordan catches it and lets it FLY, nothing but net from the corner!

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Michael Jordan threw it before the help even committed. Stephen Curry drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. The rapper just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. IShowSpeed watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Stephen Curry put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Stephen Curry cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Hold everything, they are going to the replay on IShowSpeed, and this building has stopped breathing. Cold, clinical, and correct. That monitor just took everything from IShowSpeed.

IShowSpeed and Michael Jordan form a tunnel for Chris Kyle to crawl through. Too tall. Gets stuck. And here is the answer to our game Last Call Bingo! Leon Poteet of Fence Post, Hawaii, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a scoreboard?' The answer was of course four, plus one man who insists he could have done it alone. Leon takes home a lifetime pass to a museum of regional soil! Tonight I learned IShowSpeed used to be a navy seal before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

101-98 (W)

No hero ball here: Chris Kyle takes what the defense gives and moves it along. BAAAANG! Victor Wembanyama sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. Fifth possession this half where Michael Jordan has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Look at that bench! Victor Wembanyama just lit the fuse!

Set called, Michael Jordan waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. Down screen, and Michael Jordan curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Pull-up from the elbow by Michael Jordan, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Two defenders, one gap, and Stephen Curry finds it. Onions on that pass. Straight back to the office for the rapper, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Off to the locker room. Michael Jordan has already drained two water bottles. Rumor has it Michael Jordan has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. And now, our halftime TV game show Jeopar-Dee-Dee! To win a mounted singing bass that only knows half the song, text HOOPS to 555-0305 and answer this question: 'How much does a rumor weigh at sea level?' Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Chris Kyle keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Chris Kyle had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Watch the spacing there, Stephen Curry hits IShowSpeed right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, IShowSpeed makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Michael Jordan is walking back with both hands on his head.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Stephen Curry controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Michael Jordan, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Reverse layup by Michael Jordan, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. Give and go: Victor Wembanyama gives it up, breaks for the baseline, and Stephen Curry feeds him backdoor. Filthy read. A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Victor Wembanyama do that to one of their own.

Nothing but a nod. Victor Wembanyama jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Toronto Border-Patrol bench looks personally insulted.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Over the top of everybody. Michael Jordan to Victor Wembanyama in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. The extra pass! Victor Wembanyama had the look, gave it up anyway, and Michael Jordan buries it. BANG! Long and gone. Michael Jordan floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Six on the clock. Stephen Curry takes one hard dribble right, pulls it back out, and waits. He is playing the clock, not the man. Stephen Curry takes the inbound, one dribble left, rises over the closeout, and the horn sounds while the net is still snapping. COUNT IT!

Victor Wembanyama jumps into Chris Kyle's arms without warning. They both go down. And here is the answer to our game Jeopar-Dee-Dee! Ludene Crabtree of Dry Creek Junction, Oklahoma, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much does a rumor weigh at sea level?' The answer was of course a pound and a half, considerably more in humid weather. Ludene takes home a mounted singing bass that only knows half the song! My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

109-102 (W)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Victor Wembanyama rips it out of the air and we are off.

Stephen Curry walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. The navy seal just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the navy seal, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Stephen Curry kicks it over to Michael Jordan, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Beautiful footwork on that one from Michael Jordan, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Michael Jordan beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Stephen Curry gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Chris Kyle saw it a beat early. Hard drive, hard stop, and Stephen Curry retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. That is the kind of finish that changes a defense's body language, and Stephen Curry has already done it twice this quarter.

Stephen Curry crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Michael Jordan mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

The players file out. IShowSpeed exchanges a tense look with the coach. Anecdote: IShowSpeed tried to impress the Minnesota Ice-Wall players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. And now, our halftime TV game show The Newlywed Timeout! To win a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs, text HOOPS to 555-0472 and answer this question: 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.

Stephen Curry launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH the pocket pass! Michael Jordan splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Stephen Curry goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. IShowSpeed comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for IShowSpeed!

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Michael Jordan precisely where the play wanted it. Michael Jordan comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Victor Wembanyama just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. That is another catch and shoot triple for Victor Wembanyama, and you can see the closeouts getting more desperate every single trip.

Victor Wembanyama points at Chris Kyle first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Chris Kyle again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Chris Kyle waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

Laser from Michael Jordan, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Michael Jordan is gone, so IShowSpeed earned that one even if the box score disagrees. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Michael Jordan.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Chris Kyle threw it before the help even committed. Michael Jordan sets it and slides out instead of rolling, IShowSpeed finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. POCKET PASS! Michael Jordan threads it to Victor Wembanyama between two bodies and the rim is wide open! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Victor Wembanyama rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Michael Jordan and an assistant coach who both want to hug Victor Wembanyama first. Victor Wembanyama lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

The longer they stay at that monitor, the louder this place gets, and Victor Wembanyama is refusing to look at the big screen. OHHHH the cruelty! Two tenths, and Victor Wembanyama gets absolutely nothing.

Michael Jordan and Chris Kyle swing IShowSpeed around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. And here is the answer to our game show The Newlywed Timeout! Dewey Spillman of Frostbite Flats, Minnesota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' The answer was of course three and a half miles, and the dog does not care for it. Dewey therefore wins a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs! My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

132-92 (W)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Victor Wembanyama who wins the little argument at center court.

Michael Jordan just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Stephen Curry half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Rim out for Stephen Curry, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Off the pin-down comes the navy seal with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Chris Kyle put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits IShowSpeed in stride before the defense can even match up. Baseline wide open. IShowSpeed said thank you. OHHHHH POSTERIZED! IShowSpeed just ENDED that defender at the rim!

Halftime! IShowSpeed looks in the mirror and shakes his head. They say IShowSpeed eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! To win a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning, text HOOPS to 555-0129 and answer this question: 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. Oldest play in the book, and Chris Kyle runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. OHHHH, what a read by Victor Wembanyama! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. There is no finesse in that, and there does not need to be. Michael Jordan simply decided the paint belonged to him.

Michael Jordan finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Victor Wembanyama photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Michael Jordan makes it every single trip down the floor. Screen, roll, DELIVERY from IShowSpeed! Nothing but runway to the rim! Oldest play in the book and it still works: Victor Wembanyama passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Victor Wembanyama takes two dribbles past halfcourt, rises from thirty five feet, and the net barely moves. Filthy.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Victor Wembanyama lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Chris Kyle drags Victor Wembanyama away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Hands up, one stomp, a short speech, and the whistle answers. Technical foul on Victor Wembanyama, and the bench is stunned.

Watch the spacing there, Chris Kyle hits Stephen Curry right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Watch the spacing, Stephen Curry drags two bodies toward the ball and Victor Wembanyama is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed Victor Wembanyama would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

Laser from Stephen Curry, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Michael Jordan hands it off to Victor Wembanyama, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Two points left on the floor by Michael Jordan, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Here comes Chris Kyle sprinting off the elbow. Stephen Curry slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. The navy seal just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Chris Kyle keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

Stephen Curry and Michael Jordan chest bump so hard they each fly back three meters. And here is the answer to our game The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! Homer Blevins of Lost Wallet, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' The answer was of course however the grandmother in row four says it. Homer takes home a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning! During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

110-109 (W)

Look how low Michael Jordan keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Michael Jordan up there and returns it with interest.

Baseline wide open. Chris Kyle said thank you. The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. Chris Kyle had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Stephen Curry gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Two defenders in the lane, Stephen Curry splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Stephen Curry freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Denver Horse-Track coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

IShowSpeed gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Michael Jordan saw it a beat early. Screen, pop, SPLASH! IShowSpeed kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Right through the window. Victor Wembanyama to IShowSpeed on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the rapper is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

Nobody on the bench is sitting. Not the coaches, not the trainers, not the guy in the suit who never plays. IShowSpeed points at all of them at once with both hands. Towels come down like weather and the officials wait it out with the patience of the doomed.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Halftime! Victor Wembanyama checks his stats on the board and winces. Did you know? Victor Wembanyama launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Is Broken! To win a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip, text HOOPS to 555-0781 and answer this question: 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

Michael Jordan launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Victor Wembanyama. That is a throwback bucket: Victor Wembanyama with his back to the basket, and the defense has absolutely no answer for it.

Kisses the biceps, one and then the other, and Victor Wembanyama strolls to the free throw line like a man on vacation. Chris Kyle fans him with a rolled-up game program. The bench is in tears. Even the guy running the game clock is grinning into his monitor.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Stephen Curry threw it before the help even committed. Michael Jordan rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Prayer from Michael Jordan. Not answered.

This is the discipline that decides tight games. Victor Wembanyama has to step out and step back in, and everybody in this building knows it.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Stephen Curry makes it every single trip down the floor. Dribble handoff from IShowSpeed, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! BANG is what Chris Kyle was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits IShowSpeed in stride before the defense can even match up. Full stop, full sprint, and the rapper is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on IShowSpeed, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Hesitate, GO. Stephen Curry is by that hip before the man even blinks. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Stephen Curry he is on the wrong end of it.

Michael Jordan and IShowSpeed act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. And here is the answer to our game show The Gong Show Is Broken! Gwendolyn Pyle of Half Moon Gulch, Montana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long is one minute during the fourth quarter?' The answer was of course somewhere between four and nineteen minutes, depending on the score. Gwendolyn therefore wins a fishing rod with no reel and a badly bent tip! While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

105-115 (L)

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Michael Jordan the moment he crosses half court. Into traffic goes Michael Jordan, he gets clubbed, he scores anyway, and the free throw is PURE. Three the hard way.

Michael Jordan crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. IShowSpeed mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Set called, Victor Wembanyama waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. No roll this time. Victor Wembanyama swings it right back to IShowSpeed above the break, and it is PURE. IShowSpeed went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Over the top of everybody. Michael Jordan to Victor Wembanyama in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Watch the sell from Victor Wembanyama here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Victor Wembanyama gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

Victor Wembanyama crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. IShowSpeed mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Stephen Curry controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Stephen Curry eats the contact so Michael Jordan can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Michael Jordan, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Halftime whistle. Michael Jordan spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Intel: Michael Jordan refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. And now, our halftime TV game show Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! To win a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office, text HOOPS to 555-0278 and answer this question: 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' Break's over, the players take their positions.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Kick out to Michael Jordan, one more to Victor Wembanyama, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Getting to his spot and elevating, Victor Wembanyama puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Clean feed from Stephen Curry, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Down screen, and Michael Jordan curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Michael Jordan rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

That is the second personal charged to Victor Wembanyama and the bench is already staring at the clipboard. Foul trouble rewrites a rotation in a hurry.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Stephen Curry kicks it over to Chris Kyle, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. The navy seal just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! In, around, and gone. The iron gives IShowSpeed nothing.

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Careless stuff from Victor Wembanyama. That is a free trip to the line for a steal that was never happening.

Whistles. Monitor. And Michael Jordan standing frozen at midcourt. No good! The ball is STILL sitting in the hand of Michael Jordan when that light comes on. Waved off.

Stephen Curry closes his eyes walking out. IShowSpeed keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. And here is the answer to our game Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! Verna Lou Cottongim of Flat Tire, Arizona, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' The answer was of course nobody knows, because they multiply in the off-season. Verna Lou takes home a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office! Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

108-90 (W)

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

OHHHH the separation! Michael Jordan just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Rim out for Michael Jordan, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Body to body all the way to the rim and the arm goes up. That is on Stephen Curry, and this crew is not letting anything go tonight. The best defender on this floor is headed to the bench with four. Stephen Curry goes off with his hand still up, insisting he was straight up and down.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Michael Jordan threw it before the help even committed. Michael Jordan eats the contact so Stephen Curry can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Stephen Curry gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Range like that bends a defense completely out of shape, and Michael Jordan keeps proving the arc is only a suggestion.

Down by the baseline, Michael Jordan points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Victor Wembanyama is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Cleveland Twin-Towers coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Michael Jordan left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Blocked into the floor. Michael Jordan will be seeing that one in his sleep.

The players head in. Stephen Curry slips on the wet tunnel floor. Did you know Stephen Curry knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Cleveland Twin-Towers's colors. By accident, obviously. And now, our halftime TV game show The Newlywed Timeout! To win a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs, text HOOPS to 555-0472 and answer this question: 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.

One hard jab step and Stephen Curry is leaning the wrong way, and the drive goes right past his shoulder. Slap across the wrist, and the crew saw every bit of it. Chris Kyle pays for that one.

The defender planted his feet, and Michael Jordan said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. BRICK! Michael Jordan throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Ball moves. Stephen Curry to Chris Kyle, on time and on target. The navy seal just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. So close. Michael Jordan can only stare at the iron.

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jordan whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Unselfish basketball. Victor Wembanyama passes up a good shot and hands Michael Jordan a GREAT one. That is body control you simply cannot coach: Michael Jordan stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Michael Jordan sprints to the sideline, hops onto the scorer's table and raises both fists. The stat crew grabs their laptops and security is already moving. A trainer hauls him down by the shorts before anybody gets fined. Worth it, obviously.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits Michael Jordan in stride before the defense can even match up. Textbook two-man game: Michael Jordan keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Stephen Curry rolls into an open runway. The extra pass! Stephen Curry had the look, gave it up anyway, and IShowSpeed buries it. BANG! The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. IShowSpeed rose straight over the top of him, and one.

IShowSpeed finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Victor Wembanyama photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

HERE IT COMES! Every soul in this gym knows the ball is going to Chris Kyle, and it may not matter one bit. OHHHH that is BEAUTIFUL basketball! Stephen Curry finishes the set and the whole bench is up.

IShowSpeed moonwalks across the hardwood. Michael Jordan attempts the worm. One of them pulls it off. And here is the answer to our game show The Newlywed Timeout! Dewey Spillman of Frostbite Flats, Minnesota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How far away can a scoreboard buzzer be heard by a dog?' The answer was of course three and a half miles, and the dog does not care for it. Dewey therefore wins a family size bag of off brand cheese puffs! Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

94-105 (L)

Won it clean! Victor Wembanyama got up and over him with room to spare.

The crossover comes, Victor Wembanyama bites hard, and the lane opens up like the front door was left unlocked. OHHHH NO. IShowSpeed pinned it against the glass a half second late and that is goaltending all day.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The extra pass! Michael Jordan had the look, gave it up anyway, and Stephen Curry buries it. BANG! Watch the feet on Stephen Curry there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

Set called, IShowSpeed waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! IShowSpeed never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Somebody check that job title again: the rapper hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

Break. Chris Kyle asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Fun fact: Chris Kyle is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. And now, our halftime TV game show Press Your Luck Harder! To win a bumper sticker collection covering one entire tailgate, text HOOPS to 555-0362 and answer this question: 'In what year was the jump ball invented by accident during a barn raising?' Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The navy seal just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. A single dribble is all Victor Wembanyama needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Victor Wembanyama had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Clean feed from Michael Jordan, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Kick out to Chris Kyle, one more to Stephen Curry, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Stephen Curry is walking back with both hands on his head.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

No hero ball here: Stephen Curry takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Chris Kyle crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Long miss from the navy seal and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Victor Wembanyama on time and on target. STOP AND GO! Victor Wembanyama hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Victor Wembanyama nothing.

Laser from Chris Kyle, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Michael Jordan and Chris Kyle just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Michael Jordan gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Timeout. Tablet out. And every line the coach draws starts with Chris Kyle. Cut, screen, relocate, and there is Victor Wembanyama wide open in the corner. Nobody on that defense read one page of it.

Victor Wembanyama cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Michael Jordan joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

IShowSpeed's eyes are red, jaw tight. Stephen Curry apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. And here is the answer to our game show Press Your Luck Harder! Bobbi Sue Yarborough of Sawmill Bottom, Georgia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'In what year was the jump ball invented by accident during a barn raising?' The answer was of course 1871, in a hayloft, by two men arguing about a rooster. Bobbi Sue therefore wins a bumper sticker collection covering one entire tailgate! I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

104-113 (L)

The referee tosses it high and IShowSpeed rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Swing, swing, and Chris Kyle finds Stephen Curry on the wing before the help can even turn its head. One little shoulder dip from Stephen Curry and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Stephen Curry rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The drive comes baseline, Victor Wembanyama slides over late, and the layup gets ERASED. The rim is closed for business.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Michael Jordan walks head down toward the tunnel. Rumor has it Michael Jordan talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. And now, our halftime TV game show The Bachelor of Science! To win a ceramic frog wearing tiny sunglasses and nothing else, text HOOPS to 555-0264 and answer this question: 'How tall would a stack of every whistle ever blown be?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

OHHHH what a hustle play from Michael Jordan! He had no business getting a finger on that basketball. Off the glass and out of the gym, Michael Jordan launches it and the break is ON! Wide open runway! IShowSpeed gets to the rim before the defense even crosses halfcourt!

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. IShowSpeed stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

Over the top of everybody. Michael Jordan to Stephen Curry in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. The extra pass! Stephen Curry had the look, gave it up anyway, and IShowSpeed buries it. BANG! Rising into two defenders, IShowSpeed launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

You do not put the other team in the bonus this early. Victor Wembanyama has to be smarter than contact that never had a chance at the ball. Victor Wembanyama pulls the towel over his head before he even sits down, and you can read the frustration from the upper deck.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Stephen Curry controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Ball into Michael Jordan at the elbow, IShowSpeed plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. The rapper tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

The beauty of it is that Stephen Curry never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch IShowSpeed walk away from it.

The defender planted his feet, and Michael Jordan said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. AIRBALL! Michael Jordan missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

That is a suspension conversation for Chris Kyle by tomorrow morning, and his bench has to survive the rest of this one short-handed.

Stephen Curry leaves the court at a jog. Michael Jordan stays there, planted at center court, motionless. And here is the answer to our game The Bachelor of Science! Bonnie Faye Gulick of Windy Gap, Wyoming, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How tall would a stack of every whistle ever blown be?' The answer was of course tall enough to be a problem for airplanes. Bonnie Faye takes home a ceramic frog wearing tiny sunglasses and nothing else! Tonight I had a revelation: Michael Jordan runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

108-107 (W)

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Michael Jordan launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH the pin-down! Victor Wembanyama pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with IShowSpeed. Brutal. The defender fronted him, so Victor Wembanyama sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Unselfish basketball. Chris Kyle passes up a good shot and hands IShowSpeed a GREAT one. IShowSpeed probes the lane, cups the ball with two hands, then bounces it again. That is the violation they fix in third grade.

Textbook two three with Stephen Curry manning the back line, and they have not seen a clean look in three trips.

Give and go! Stephen Curry gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Stephen Curry has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Halftime whistle! Chris Kyle slides down against the hallway wall. Intel: Chris Kyle asked Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show Second Chance Second Half! To win a hand painted mailbox shaped like a catfish, text HOOPS to 555-1006 and answer this question: 'What is the population of a town on the night of a rivalry game?' The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

GONE down the baseline! Michael Jordan beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, Michael Jordan panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

Ooof. Chris Kyle got put on SKATES right there.

No hero ball here: Michael Jordan takes what the defense gives and moves it along. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Chris Kyle gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Rises, releases, and Chris Kyle sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Over the top of everybody. Michael Jordan to Stephen Curry in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Two guys on the exact same page, Stephen Curry and Chris Kyle, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Catch on the block, shoulder into the chest, one dribble, and Stephen Curry finishes over the top. Textbook.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Stephen Curry takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Chris Kyle pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Watch the spacing there, Stephen Curry hits IShowSpeed right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A rapper making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Chris Kyle fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

This is the entire night compressed into eight seconds, and the ball never leaves the hands of Stephen Curry. Exactly the way he wanted it. From WAY downtown! Stephen Curry walks into it from 27 feet and the red light is on before the ball comes down. DAGGER!

Stephen Curry crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Victor Wembanyama mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Chris Kyle and Victor Wembanyama carry Michael Jordan like a trophy across the entire court. And here is the answer to our game show Second Chance Second Half! Hoyt Pennington of Dishrag Springs, Oregon, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the population of a town on the night of a rivalry game?' The answer was of course the whole town plus forty people who moved away in 1987. Hoyt therefore wins a hand painted mailbox shaped like a catfish! I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.