My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Spider-Man. Standing at 178 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited John Wick. An assassin. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: an assassin, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that John Wick has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
81-125 (L)
John Wick, this seasoned vet, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Jesus Christ can't convert! The messiah's touch with the game deserted them!
Doctor Manhattan with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost superhero!
John Wick gets burned on the switch! Hotter than an assassin's worst day on the job!
Doctor Manhattan, this smooth operator, waves off the play call! Injury-prone body hurting the team!
Intermission. Doctor Manhattan dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Small detail: Doctor Manhattan wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Spider-Man, this short king, wastes a golden chance with a wild free throw!
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, looks exhausted back to the basket! The legs are gone!
Spider-Man, this scrappy guard, steps out of bounds with the ball! Mental lapse!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, throws the hands up! Exasperated from way beyond the arc!
Hulk walks off in silence. This potential GOAT gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Spider-Man and John Wick share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
98-99 (L)
The game begins and John Wick is ready! You can see eyes in the back of the head written all over his face!
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, showcases ridiculous creativity with a gorgeous buzzer beater!
Hulk gets screened out! Stuck behind their lab notebook like it's a wall!
Spider-Man fires a scoop layup on the low block but can't connect! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Doctor Manhattan completes the comeback! Complete as a superhero completing the game!
End of the first half. Spider-Man is beet red but still standing. Little scoop: Spider-Man logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
This global icon Spider-Man gets the look but can't convert! Lack of consistency at the worst time!
John Wick mouths off and picks up a T! Limited stamina taking over!
From their bare hands to an off-balance shot, Jesus Christ's range is unmatched!
Jesus Christ misses the game-tying shot! Even a messiah couldn't save that one!
John Wick explodes to the tunnel in disappointment. This player making noise will learn from this.
Hulk whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Doctor Manhattan nods without conviction. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
86-111 (L)
The field house welcomes Jesus Christ! The messiah with the game has arrived!
Spider-Man air-mails a half-court heave in transition! Way off for this undisputed superstar!
Doctor Manhattan throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the superhero got too confident!
Doctor Manhattan, this solid build, can't keep up with the speed! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
What a shot from Jesus Christ! A messiah bringing their bare hands energy to the palace of hoops!
Halftime. Spider-Man glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Anecdote: Spider-Man fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Jesus Christ glares at the orange! Like it personally betrayed this messiah!
This surprise package Doctor Manhattan throws up a prayer facing the rim! Not answered!
Jesus Christ goes small-ball! Adapting like a messiah who reads the room!
Hulk is gassed! More tired than after a full day of discoverring the hidden truth!
Jesus Christ shakes hands through the pain! A messiah who respects their bare hands and the game!
Doctor Manhattan bites his lip, fists clenched. John Wick shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
87-114 (L)
This total unknown Doctor Manhattan in the starting lineup! Let's see what this total unknown brings!
Jesus Christ fades away but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Doctor Manhattan throws it away! A pass worse than a superhero tossing the game!
This up-and-coming baller John Wick bites on the fake! Beaten off the pick and roll!
A pull-up jumper from downtown by Doctor Manhattan! This all-around player with the long range!
That's a wrap for now. Spider-Man dives into the tunnel. Fun fact: Spider-Man failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Spider-Man storms to the bench! Heated! This superhero doesn't handle losing well!
John Wick, this do-it-all player, gets the separation but can't finish! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
John Wick creates the switch! Smooth adjustment, assassin-level thinking!
This absolute legend Hulk stumbles! The fatigue is real after the allotted time!
Hulk wipes a tear! A scientist who poured everything into the effort!
Doctor Manhattan isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Spider-Man tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
92-106 (L)
Doctor Manhattan, this solid build, takes the court! The Finals-like atmosphere is electric!
Hulk, this guy with rings on every finger, comes up empty! A euro-step off target along the baseline!
Spider-Man loses the basketball! A superhero would never be this careless!
Doctor Manhattan gambles for the steal and pays the price! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Hulk hits from downtown! Precision worthy of their lab notebook from the right corner!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Doctor Manhattan walks head down toward the tunnel. Intel: Doctor Manhattan asked Phoenix No-Defense for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Hulk rises up and kicks the stanchion! This undisputed superstar losing composure!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this generational talent!
John Wick outsmarts the opponent! The brains of an assassin with their bare hands!
This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ can barely jump! The springs are gone from mid-range!
Jesus Christ tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we competes better, like the game!'
John Wick bites the inside of his cheek. Spider-Man pinches the bridge of his nose. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
89-133 (L)
Doctor Manhattan shoots onto the floor! The crowd roars for this newcomer!
Hulk misfires from mid-range! Their lab notebook calibration needed!
John Wick trips up in the perimeter! An assassin never trips at work... Right?
Jesus Christ caught flat-footed! Standing still, the messiah reflexes took a nap!
Doctor Manhattan mouths off on the inbound pass! A superhero venting about the game!
Back in the locker room, Jesus Christ sits down and stares at the ceiling. Juicy intel: Jesus Christ turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Spider-Man with a wild attempt! This all-time great not finding the range tonight!
Jesus Christ is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure messiah stubbornness!
Spider-Man turns it over in the paint! Butterfingers from this superhero!
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Jesus Christ sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a messiah after their bare hands broke!
Hulk and Jesus Christ walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
89-131 (L)
John Wick huddles with the team! Huddling up, the assassin strategizes!
Spider-Man with the contested buzzer beater back to the basket! No good! Bad selection!
This newcomer Doctor Manhattan forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Doctor Manhattan bites on the fake! Fooled like a superhero by counterfeit the game!
Hulk vents at their teammates! The scientist who vents about the hidden truth!
Halftime whistle. Spider-Man has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Fun fact: Spider-Man blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Doctor Manhattan, this smooth operator, gets the look but can't convert at the buzzer!
Jesus Christ wipes sweat with the headband! Drenched, the messiah has been putting in work!
Jesus Christ gets picked! A messiah getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
John Wick slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an assassin hits the workbench!
Hulk hangs their head! A scientist who gave everything they had!
Doctor Manhattan stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Spider-Man comes back to get him. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
97-124 (L)
John Wick, this versatile guy, sets the tone immediately! Freakish explosiveness from the jump!
Spider-Man, this global icon, pulls the trigger at half court but no luck!
Hulk botches the handoff! Even their lab notebook exchanges go smoother!
John Wick left in the dust! Even an assassin moves faster than that!
Hulk scores with their lab notebook, no, with their hands! But the precision is the same!
Off to the locker room. Doctor Manhattan has already drained two water bottles. Exclusive info: Doctor Manhattan is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Doctor Manhattan slams the damn ball in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
Hulk blows past and fires but misses everything! Hot head tonight!
Doctor Manhattan manages the clock! Time management of a superhero who never misses a deadline!
Hulk can barely run! The 48 regulation minutes harder than the 48 regulation minutes of discoverring the hidden truth!
This global icon Jesus Christ stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this global icon wanted.
Spider-Man's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Doctor Manhattan breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
75-120 (L)
Hulk lands the first two-handed slam! First blood! The scientist strikes first!
Spider-Man, this undersized spark plug, bobbles the ball and the chance evaporates driving to the hoop!
Doctor Manhattan, this solid build, commits the travel! Tendency to force bad shots in the footwork!
Hulk loses their assignment! Like losing their lab notebook in the workshop!
Jesus Christ picks up the second technical! This undisputed superstar ejected! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Players head to the locker room. Jesus Christ has tape on three fingers. Anecdote: Jesus Christ once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Hulk fires and misses at the buzzer. Should have stuck with the hidden truth!
John Wick tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like an assassin's energy for the game!
Jesus Christ with the backcourt violation! This hall-of-fame lock under too much pressure!
This hungry young player Doctor Manhattan slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
John Wick gave it everything! Everything an assassin has, left on the court!
Hulk isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Doctor Manhattan tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
75-119 (L)
Tip-off! Hulk gets us started! Let's go!
Hulk forces a reverse layup back to the basket! This once-in-a-lifetime player trying too hard!
Doctor Manhattan loses the pill in traffic! This dark horse can't afford that!
John Wick, this versatile guy, gets dunked on driving to the hoop! Poster material!
Jesus Christ drops the head after another miss! Injury-prone body sapping the confidence!
The players head to the locker room. Spider-Man is sweating like a racehorse. Word is Spider-Man sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jesus Christ misses the mark! A devastating dunk goes begging back to the basket!
Jesus Christ, this potential GOAT, is dragging! The 4 periods of 12 minutes minutes taking their toll!
Jesus Christ passes to nobody! This all-time great with a head-scratching decision!
John Wick storms to the bench! This established player is visibly upset!
Jesus Christ consoles teammates! The heart of a messiah in that moment!
Doctor Manhattan punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. John Wick slides down the wall to the floor. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
79-124 (L)
Hulk announces themselves! The scientist has arrived and the building knows it!
This hall-of-fame lock Hulk whiffs on a buzzer beater! The crowd groans!
John Wick with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Hulk, this versatile guy, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over ego the size of Texas!
Spider-Man walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Halftime. Doctor Manhattan is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Exclusive: Doctor Manhattan was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Jesus Christ misfires from mid-range! Even this absolute legend has off nights!
Doctor Manhattan cramps up! Muscles tight from their bare hands and the basketball double duty!
John Wick coughs up the ball! Injury-prone body strikes again from the right corner!
Hulk shakes their head! A scientist who can't believe that just happened!
Spider-Man leaves the gym quietly! Quiet as a superhero after the game setback!
Spider-Man refuses the coach's embrace. John Wick accepts it but his body is stiff. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Spider-Man's name. Forgive me. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
83-128 (L)
This household name Hulk gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
The rim rejects John Wick! The rim says no! Even an assassin gets rejected sometimes!
This absolute legend Hulk commits the offensive foul! Turnover along the baseline!
Jesus Christ gets blown by! Even a messiah couldn't stop that!
This first-ballot legend Hulk fouls hard out of frustration! Injury-prone body showing!
That's a wrap for now. Doctor Manhattan dives into the tunnel. Locker room anecdote: Doctor Manhattan talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. We're back! The players look fired up.
Spider-Man, this pint-sized baller, loses the handle and the opportunity! Hot head!
Spider-Man soldiers on! The soldier who competes the game with their bare hands!
Hulk throws it away! Heavy feet under pressure along the baseline!
This first-ballot legend Hulk can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Jesus Christ takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad messiah day!
Jesus Christ refuses Cleveland Twin-Towers's handshake. Hulk offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
90-134 (L)
Doctor Manhattan checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Spider-Man misfires from downtown! This generational talent searching for answers!
Sloppy handling by Jesus Christ! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
This all-time great Hulk picks up the cheap foul! Injury-prone body showing!
Hulk stares in disbelief! The look of a scientist who just lost everything!
Back to the locker room. Doctor Manhattan punches his locker. Intel: Doctor Manhattan refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Jesus Christ throws up a clunker! Their bare hands would weep at that trajectory!
Hulk, this franchise cornerstone, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Jesus Christ dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a messiah like that!
Doctor Manhattan mutters to himself walking back! This rising star fighting inner demons!
John Wick walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to assassin life tomorrow!
Spider-Man snaps at the bench on his way out. Hulk says nothing, but his look says everything. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
77-121 (L)
John Wick, this combo guard, announced to huge cheers! A boiling cauldron!
Doctor Manhattan can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
This absolute legend Jesus Christ loses concentration and the leather with it!
John Wick can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Spider-Man drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a superhero's spirit has limits!
Off to the locker room. John Wick has already drained two water bottles. Small detail: John Wick wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
This generational talent Hulk muscles up a pull-up jumper but can't get it to fall!
Jesus Christ misses from fatigue! This guy with rings on every finger can't get the elevation at the top of the key!
Doctor Manhattan with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
Doctor Manhattan pulls up the towel! This raw talent showing occasional mental lapses!
Doctor Manhattan walks off in defeat! Even a superhero's skills couldn't save tonight!
Doctor Manhattan mutters while walking out. John Wick watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Evening confession: I'm wearing Doctor Manhattan's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-128 (L)
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, is introduced and the arena explodes! This first-ballot legend is in the building!
Hulk, this all-around player, gets the look from mid-range but the lid's on the rim!
Doctor Manhattan, this smooth operator, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted in the paint!
Spider-Man scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Tendency to rush!
Jesus Christ kicks the air! The frustration of a messiah who knows they can do better!
Break. Jesus Christ's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Fun fact: Jesus Christ got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Spider-Man bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
Doctor Manhattan takes the rest play! Even a superhero needs a breather!
This all-time great Jesus Christ with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Hulk pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The scientist in them is showing!
Jesus Christ fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the messiah gave everything!
Doctor Manhattan rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. John Wick picks up his own and folds it carefully. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Spider-Man.
Season journal
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