My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

98-126 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Dwayne Johnson who wins the little argument at center court.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

OHHHH the hesi! Usain Bolt froze him solid and he is already gone! Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Usain Bolt, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

POCKET PASS! Spider-Man threads it to Victor Wembanyama between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Long and gone. Victor Wembanyama floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Halftime! Spider-Man is limping slightly heading off the court. Fun fact: Spider-Man tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! To win a garden gnome missing both arms, text HOOPS to 555-0712 and answer this question: 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' We're back! The players look fired up.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Lionel Messi walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. BAAAANG! Dwayne Johnson sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. Give and go! Victor Wembanyama gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Runner in the lane by Victor Wembanyama, high off the fingertips, straight down through the net. Splash!

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Cross court, on a rope, from the athlete. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. A full spin move through traffic from the association football player! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Up goes the shot from Lionel Messi and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Ball into Lionel Messi at the elbow, Spider-Man plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. The superhero tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Dribble handoff from Lionel Messi, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Lionel Messi threads a BEAUTY to Spider-Man under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Fingertips! Usain Bolt gets just enough on it and the ball squirts loose. The film producer just threw an outlet that traveled farther than most people commute. Absurd. The superhero just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

Spider-Man mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Detroit Engine-Roar fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

The association football player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The superhero just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Buzzer on the shot clock, Spider-Man heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Cross court, on a rope, from the superhero. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Victor Wembanyama did all the dirty work on that one. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Lionel Messi, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Spider-Man punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Usain Bolt slides down the wall to the floor. And here is the answer to our game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! Travis Wayne Trundle of Hardtack, Indiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' The answer was of course the grandmother, by a margin researchers declined to publish. Travis Wayne therefore wins a garden gnome missing both arms! Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

96-97 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Lionel Messi has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Usain Bolt precisely where the play wanted it. Nobody in this building saw that cut coming except the athlete, and you cannot teach that kind of feel in any line of work. Nasty finish. Usain Bolt hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Usain Bolt threw it before the help even committed. Here comes the slip from Spider-Man, and Dwayne Johnson reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Spider-Man beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Dagger from Miami Heart-Attack. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the athlete, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. The superhero runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. OHHHH that is SILKY! Usain Bolt with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

Usain Bolt cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Spider-Man joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

Break. Dwayne Johnson collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Intel: Dwayne Johnson once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. And now, our halftime TV game show Truth or Consequences of Turnovers! To win a doorbell that plays eleven seconds of a song nobody requested, text HOOPS to 555-0644 and answer this question: 'How many turnovers does it take to fill a standard laundry hamper?' There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

Nothing. Again. Dwayne Johnson is staring at that rim like it owes him money. Whistle, red light, nothing to show for it. Usain Bolt hands it over.

Extra possessions decide games this tight, and Dwayne Johnson has now surrendered three of them in the paint tonight.

The athlete just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The film producer takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. BANG is what Dwayne Johnson was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Victor Wembanyama rises up and REJECTS the layup off the glass, and now he is barking at the whole building about it.

Usain Bolt times the leap perfectly and swallows that layup whole. Put it on the front page, that is the play of the night. Rebound to fast break in one motion, courtesy of the athlete. That is not a hobby, that is a skill set. Somebody check that job title again: the film producer hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Lionel Messi pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Getting to his spot and elevating, Lionel Messi puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Look at that bench, not one man seated. Victor Wembanyama had this moment circled since the walkthrough, and the shot has not even gone up. You will not draw up a better look. Victor Wembanyama got his switch, got his feet set, got it clean off. The basketball gods said no.

Dwayne Johnson refuses Miami Heart-Attack's handshake. Spider-Man offers a limp one with just his fingertips. And here is the answer to our game show Truth or Consequences of Turnovers! Lorene Kirkpatrick of Broken Hoop, New Mexico, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many turnovers does it take to fill a standard laundry hamper?' The answer was of course nineteen, or four if they are the really big ones. Lorene therefore wins a doorbell that plays eleven seconds of a song nobody requested! Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Dwayne Johnson's name. Forgive me. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

108-115 (L)

The association football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Court vision like that on the athlete is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. The crowd has found its chant, and Lionel Messi is going to be hearing it all night.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Lionel Messi stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. A cruel spin-out for the association football player, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Watch the spacing, Lionel Messi drags two bodies toward the ball and Dwayne Johnson is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. So close. Dwayne Johnson can only stare at the iron.

Break! Usain Bolt grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Staff confession: Usain Bolt is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. And now, our halftime TV game show Backyard Survivor: Aisle Nine! To win a riding mower that will only turn left, text HOOPS to 555-0384 and answer this question: 'How many raccoons live at an average county fairgrounds?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

The extra pass! Lionel Messi had the look, gave it up anyway, and Victor Wembanyama buries it. BANG! Rises, releases, and Victor Wembanyama sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

OHHHH they are coming apart! Dwayne Johnson again, and the defense has no idea where to turn! A head coach with a full staff and a scouting report just called timeout because of the association football player. Read that sentence back slowly.

Kick out to Spider-Man, one more to Dwayne Johnson, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. That is a throwback bucket: Dwayne Johnson with his back to the basket, and the defense has absolutely no answer for it.

They do not teach that in the association football player handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. BAAAANG! Spider-Man catches it and lets it FLY, nothing but net from the corner!

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Orlando Magic-Beans with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

STOP AND GO! Lionel Messi hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Lionel Messi draws the foul on a THREE-POINT attempt. The building groans, the coach turns around, and nobody wants to make eye contact.

Look at that bench! Dwayne Johnson just lit the fuse! Somewhere there is a shift with the superhero written on it for tomorrow morning. Tonight he is out here erasing shots.

Back at the shop they have got this review up on every phone with the association football player in the frame, and nobody is getting any work done. Late by a blink. Lionel Messi is going to see that frame in his sleep tonight.

Spider-Man hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Dwayne Johnson keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. And here is the answer to our game Backyard Survivor: Aisle Nine! Roberta Klump of Pumpkin Center, Utah, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many raccoons live at an average county fairgrounds?' The answer was of course six during the day and considerably more after dark. Roberta takes home a riding mower that will only turn left! My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

102-123 (L)

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The athlete turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Usain Bolt. Cruel.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Lionel Messi already has the defense a full step behind. Watch the change of pace from Dwayne Johnson, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Missed layup for the film producer and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Philadelphia Injury-Report, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

No block, no foul, just Dwayne Johnson being ENORMOUS in the lane, and that shot never had a chance.

Break! Lionel Messi rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Intel: Lionel Messi asked Philadelphia Injury-Report for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show Whistle While You Guess! To win a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby, text HOOPS to 555-1291 and answer this question: 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' Back in action! The coach got the message across.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The association football player is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Spider-Man keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Watch the footwork from Spider-Man: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Spider-Man cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Lionel Messi joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Baseline wide open. Spider-Man said thank you. Zero hesitation, zero conscience. Spider-Man made that closeout look completely pointless.

Somebody explain how the association football player reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. No roll this time. Victor Wembanyama swings it right back to Spider-Man above the break, and it is PURE. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Spider-Man has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Slap across the wrist, and the crew saw every bit of it. Victor Wembanyama pays for that one. Third whistle on Victor Wembanyama. He could argue the first two. This one he cannot.

Lionel Messi hands it off to Spider-Man, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Nobody touched him, nobody trapped him, and Lionel Messi still coughed it up. Easiest whistle these officials will blow all night.

Set called, Spider-Man waved out to the corner, and Lionel Messi watches the spacing open up like a front door. The superhero pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Pull-up from the elbow by Usain Bolt, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Under review. Victor Wembanyama does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. Waved off. Victor Wembanyama got the entire celebration in before the officials even reached the monitor.

Lionel Messi looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Usain Bolt looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. And here is the answer to our game show Whistle While You Guess! Wilma Jean Puckett of Sorghum Switch, Kansas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' The answer was of course exactly 1,412 times, and 1,413 if the arena air conditioning is broken. Wilma Jean therefore wins a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby! My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

93-106 (L)

Two guys on the exact same page, Usain Bolt and Lionel Messi, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Usain Bolt he is on the wrong end of it.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Watch Spider-Man plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Usain Bolt out of that corner in a blink. That is the shot chart lying to you. Usain Bolt did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Usain Bolt comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! The athlete had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

The association football player is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Lionel Messi eats the contact so Dwayne Johnson can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Nobody drew up that arc. The film producer floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Dwayne Johnson walks head down toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Dwayne Johnson tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. And now, our halftime TV game show Minute to Win It or Whatever! To win a bathrobe that is technically a curtain, text HOOPS to 555-0827 and answer this question: 'How many pairs of sneakers are hanging from power lines nationwide?' We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the association football player made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Lionel Messi rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Somebody explain how the association football player reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Usain Bolt, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Usain Bolt goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Usain Bolt launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH the pin-down! Dwayne Johnson pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Usain Bolt. Brutal. OHHHH, what a read by Dwayne Johnson! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. The superhero just fired one in from the logo and the roof nearly came off this place. That is in nobody's job description.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Phoenix No-Defense with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Clean feed from Spider-Man, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. One little shoulder dip from Usain Bolt and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Usain Bolt!

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Somebody explain how the association football player reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. The athlete just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about Usain Bolt.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Usain Bolt does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Not pretty, but this is arithmetic now. Victor Wembanyama trades one foul for one more possession, and down five with a minute left, that math works.

Victor Wembanyama turns back to look at the court one last time. Lionel Messi doesn't turn around. And here is the answer to our game show Minute to Win It or Whatever! Bernice Chadwick of Cabbage Patch Corners, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many pairs of sneakers are hanging from power lines nationwide?' The answer was of course two million and change, and not one pair matches. Bernice therefore wins a bathrobe that is technically a curtain! Tonight I had a revelation: Lionel Messi runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

90-114 (L)

A full spin move through traffic from the association football player! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Two points left on the floor by Lionel Messi, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Unsportsmanlike foul on Usain Bolt, and this one costs double. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Usain Bolt is flat on the floor, the crowd is howling, and the call comes back flagrant. Two shots and the ball.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Push the pace! Lionel Messi grabs it and hits Dwayne Johnson in stride before the defense can even match up. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Dwayne Johnson spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! Not a hand on him. Dwayne Johnson flat missed the bunny.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The locker room fills up. Spider-Man has already eaten three oranges. Anecdote: Spider-Man lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! To win a garden gnome missing both arms, text HOOPS to 555-0712 and answer this question: 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

Snatched his ankles, and Spider-Man is still checking whether they are attached. The athlete puts a shoulder into the ball handler and pays for it. He spends all day being polite to strangers and now he is hacking people for a living.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The film producer just rotated over and shut the paint down like a shift change. Where does THAT defensive IQ come from?

That is vision. Lionel Messi sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Rim out for Victor Wembanyama, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the association football player, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Hesitate, GO. Spider-Man is by that hip before the man even blinks. Down, up, and gone for Spider-Man. The rim is just toying with him now.

Usain Bolt feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. OHHHH, Usain Bolt from WAY downtown off the catch! The defense rotated a half second late and paid full price.

Nothing but a nod. Usain Bolt jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Los Angeles Nursing-Home bench looks personally insulted.

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Usain Bolt and Victor Wembanyama just played basketball and the defense got shredded. That is twice tonight Usain Bolt has tried to create with the dribble already dead, and this league does not reward that.

Nine seconds to work with, one play call, and it runs through Spider-Man. When the game shrinks like this, you go to your guy. Cut, screen, relocate, and there is Victor Wembanyama wide open in the corner. Nobody on that defense read one page of it.

Dwayne Johnson rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Victor Wembanyama picks up his own and folds it carefully. And here is the answer to our game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! Travis Wayne Trundle of Hardtack, Indiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' The answer was of course the grandmother, by a margin researchers declined to publish. Travis Wayne therefore wins a garden gnome missing both arms! My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

78-122 (L)

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The association football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Day job, then this: the film producer reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. That is the shot Victor Wembanyama wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

OHHHH the pocket pass! Lionel Messi splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! That is a dime from Lionel Messi that deserved so much better, and Usain Bolt knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Victor Wembanyama rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead. Victor Wembanyama throws his head back, because he knows exactly what it means. His minutes are somebody else's decision now.

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Halftime! Spider-Man checks his stats on the board and winces. True story: Spider-Man walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Toronto Border-Patrol. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase to the Dollar Store! To win a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care, text HOOPS to 555-0225 and answer this question: 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

The athlete just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Usain Bolt went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

You will never find it in a box score, but Usain Bolt just flipped that entire trip down the floor with one hand. The athlete just outran an entire defense for the finish, and he clocks in for a shift in the morning. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Over the top of everybody. Usain Bolt to Lionel Messi in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. This is the counter: Lionel Messi punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. This building is SHAKING. Dwayne Johnson just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Dwayne Johnson does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Lionel Messi puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

The athlete pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Usain Bolt had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Ooof. Lionel Messi got put on SKATES right there. That is the second personal charged to Spider-Man and the bench is already staring at the clipboard. Foul trouble rewrites a rotation in a hurry.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Shot clock bleeding down to nine, Spider-Man still rocking the ball, taking his sweet time. Ice in his veins. Head down, no read, no plan. Spider-Man bulldozes the help defender and gives away a possession for absolutely nothing.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Lionel Messi gives it up to Dwayne Johnson on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. DOUBLE DRIBBLE! Dwayne Johnson picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

Lionel Messi walks toward the tunnel without a word. Usain Bolt stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. And here is the answer to our game The Chase to the Dollar Store! Lurlene Dobbins of Rusty Spoon, New Mexico, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' The answer was of course fifty-one seconds, give or take a conscience. Lurlene takes home a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care! Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

95-121 (L)

Ten to nothing. Spider-Man is COOKING and there is not one answer on that other bench.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Ball moves. Spider-Man to Lionel Messi, on time and on target. The association football player just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Victor Wembanyama, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Victor Wembanyama gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Spider-Man saw it a beat early. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Victor Wembanyama makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Perfect arc. Dwayne Johnson makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Dwayne Johnson runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Usain Bolt walks head down toward the tunnel. Little secret: Usain Bolt watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show The Great American Trivia Barn! To win a plastic owl that is supposed to scare pigeons but does not, text HOOPS to 555-1183 and answer this question: 'Which knee does a former player mention first at a class reunion?' Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Down screen, and Usain Bolt curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. The athlete just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Give the man credit for the effort, because Spider-Man contested that from three feet behind, which is technically a contest.

Personal foul on the superhero. Somewhere a shift is going uncovered and not one soul in this arena cares. Fourth personal on Spider-Man. The arena groans, the bench goes silent, and the other team just spotted daylight.

OHHHH NO! Spider-Man took the legs out from under a man in mid-air and that is a FLAGRANT TWO!

Five straight misses now for Spider-Man, and every voice in that huddle has gone quiet. Not a bad shot, not a blocked shot, just no shot at all from Lionel Messi. Somehow the worst outcome available.

The association football player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Dwayne Johnson comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Victor Wembanyama just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Unselfish basketball. Victor Wembanyama passes up a good shot and hands Lionel Messi a GREAT one. Lionel Messi attacks the paint, absorbs the bump, twists his body all the way around the defender and reverses it in. FILTHY.

Kisses the biceps, one and then the other, and Lionel Messi strolls to the free throw line like a man on vacation. Usain Bolt fans him with a rolled-up game program. The bench is in tears. Even the guy running the game clock is grinning into his monitor.

The superhero is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. Cold, clinical, and correct. That monitor just took everything from Spider-Man.

Dwayne Johnson's eyes are red, jaw tight. Lionel Messi apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. And here is the answer to our game show The Great American Trivia Barn! Garland Shoemaker of Rickety Bridge, New York, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which knee does a former player mention first at a class reunion?' The answer was of course the left one, always, in every county we surveyed. Garland therefore wins a plastic owl that is supposed to scare pigeons but does not! During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

91-120 (L)

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Spider-Man slides, closes out, recovers. The ball goes all the way around the perimeter and comes back with nothing. The entry pass goes in, Usain Bolt beats the big man to it, and this building is already standing up.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Technical on the association football player! He argues with people all day at work and loses those too, only this one costs a free throw.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

First half is done. Dwayne Johnson is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Little secret: Dwayne Johnson listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a lifetime supply of expired coupons, text HOOPS to 555-0142 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Usain Bolt gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Lionel Messi should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Usain Bolt sizes him up from twenty-five feet, two hard dribbles right, a shoulder fake, and the crowd starts to rise. CHARGE! Usain Bolt runs a set defender straight over and the arm goes the other way.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The superhero just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Victor Wembanyama rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

The defender crowded the middle, and Usain Bolt punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Get that one framed. Usain Bolt took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

From WAY downtown off the pop! Lionel Messi with the extra pass and CASH. That is the shot Spider-Man wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Whistle! Spider-Man got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. Nothing but AIR. Spider-Man shot that one like the rim owed him money and skipped town.

Somebody explain how the association football player reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Dwayne Johnson, and not one single soul could do anything about it. AIRBALL! Dwayne Johnson missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

HERE IT COMES! Every soul in this gym knows the ball is going to Spider-Man, and it may not matter one bit. Look at the spacing here, two shooters lifting to drag the help, and that leaves Usain Bolt an easy read to Lionel Messi in the pocket. Chess.

Stone silence for one second, then Lionel Messi lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Dwayne Johnson answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Dwayne Johnson walks head down toward the tunnel. Lionel Messi drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Misfortune! Darlene Puckett of Lower Buttermilk, Kansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' The answer was of course four hundred and six, and the coach has never spoken of it since. Darlene takes home a lifetime supply of expired coupons! I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

93-99 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Dwayne Johnson rips it out of the air and we are off.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Prayer from Usain Bolt. Not answered. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Victor Wembanyama has now cleaned up four misses tonight. Victor Wembanyama drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Usain Bolt hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Cold blooded from Denver Horse-Track, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Dwayne Johnson wraps him up with nobody between the ball and the rim, and the officials do not hesitate for a second. The film producer gets clotheslined and pops right back up. Two shots, the ball, and a story for every customer he sees this week.

Back in the locker room, Usain Bolt sits down and stares at the ceiling. Juicy intel: Usain Bolt turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. And now, our halftime TV game show Card Sharks and Minnows! To win a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz, text HOOPS to 555-0209 and answer this question: 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.

The help defender committed way too early, and Usain Bolt made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. Straight back to the office for the athlete, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Cross court, on a rope, from the superhero. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Textbook two-man game: Victor Wembanyama keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Spider-Man rolls into an open runway. Perfect drop-off from Dwayne Johnson, and Spider-Man answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

You judge a locker room by moments like this. Usain Bolt makes the play, and every man on that sideline erupts right along with him. Two on one the other way and that is a free deuce all day long... except Victor Wembanyama says absolutely not.

The association football player is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Watch the eyes of that defender, he never turns his head once, and Victor Wembanyama makes him pay for the whole possession. Victor Wembanyama gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

Victor Wembanyama hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Lionel Messi shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Second shot clock violation of the half with Usain Bolt holding it too long. Live possessions are too expensive to hand back like that.

The basketball simply left Usain Bolt. No steal, no pressure, just a quiet parting of ways.

Heat check from Lionel Messi, and the heat is officially OFF. Three feet behind the arc with a hand in his face.

Lionel Messi refuses Denver Horse-Track's handshake. Usain Bolt offers a limp one with just his fingertips. And here is the answer to our game Card Sharks and Minnows! Norma Jean Slaughterbeck of Grease Rack, Indiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' The answer was of course approximately one confident toddler. Norma Jean takes home a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz! Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

89-112 (L)

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Spider-Man has known that all night long. A single dribble is all Usain Bolt needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Off the back iron for Usain Bolt, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

They are burning a timeout on the association football player! Somewhere in that huddle a whiteboard is getting erased in a real hurry.

Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to association football player the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Down, up, and gone for Spider-Man. The rim is just toying with him now.

Nobody told the superhero that a hot hand expires, and there he is launching from thirty feet with a defender draped all over him. Back to work.

First half is done. Lionel Messi is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Exclusive info: Lionel Messi is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Layup! To win a fondue set with three forks and no instructions, text HOOPS to 555-0347 and answer this question: 'How many folding chairs fit inside a regulation basketball hoop?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

Second rejection of the quarter for Victor Wembanyama, and you can see the shooters hesitating on that wing already. Off the glass and out of the gym, Victor Wembanyama launches it and the break is ON! The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. Spider-Man rose straight over the top of him, and one.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Dwayne Johnson just moved a man forty pounds heavier off his own spot! That outlet from Dwayne Johnson is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. OHHHHH POSTERIZED! Usain Bolt just ENDED that defender at the rim!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

A fistful of jersey to stop the break, and the bill comes due for Usain Bolt: two at the line plus possession.

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Great effort, wrong sport. Dwayne Johnson threw himself backward off a screen that never touched him, and the boos come down in waves.

The athlete just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Telegraphed. Dwayne Johnson announced that pass three days in advance and the defense RSVP'd.

Total control. Lionel Messi has this thing on a string. OHHHH the separation! Victor Wembanyama just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Oh my. Victor Wembanyama did not even draw iron.

Lionel Messi rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Dwayne Johnson picks up his own and folds it carefully. And here is the answer to our game show Name That Layup! Vernon Dinkins of Cold Supper, Missouri, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many folding chairs fit inside a regulation basketball hoop?' The answer was of course none, and the fact that somebody tried is the real story here. Vernon therefore wins a fondue set with three forks and no instructions! My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

81-114 (L)

Tip is UP and Dwayne Johnson gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Oh, Victor Wembanyama wanted to be heard. Congratulations, he was heard. Free throw the other way.

The association football player just got left in the dust, and in fairness, that is a professional athlete he was asked to guard. Illegal, and expensive. The superhero gets the goaltending call and the basket counts. Long day at the office, longer night under the rim.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Cleveland Twin-Towers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Both teams head in. Dwayne Johnson has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Fun fact: Dwayne Johnson failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. And now, our halftime TV game show Pawn Stars of the Neighborhood! To win a corn dog the size of a mailbox, already gone cold, text HOOPS to 555-0433 and answer this question: 'What is the average airspeed of a paper airplane thrown from the upper deck?' We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.

The athlete just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Screened, toasted, done. Dwayne Johnson is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Two defenders, one gap, and Dwayne Johnson finds it. Onions on that pass. OHHHH what a FINISH from Victor Wembanyama! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Kisses the biceps, one and then the other, and Victor Wembanyama strolls to the free throw line like a man on vacation. Lionel Messi fans him with a rolled-up game program. The bench is in tears. Even the guy running the game clock is grinning into his monitor.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Lionel Messi just did it by hitting Spider-Man on the back side with acres of room. One hard step and Spider-Man owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. The superhero had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

That is the third body Victor Wembanyama has turned away this quarter, and the entire lane is starting to think twice about coming in.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The superhero reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. That is the shot Spider-Man wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Watch the sell from Lionel Messi here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the association football player! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The superhero makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Victor Wembanyama punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Shot clock at one, and Lionel Messi just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Watch how they bury Victor Wembanyama in the corner on the inbound. Nothing happens until he moves, and by then the defense is beaten. Out of the timeout, Victor Wembanyama hits Usain Bolt right on schedule and it drops! Drawn up, run, done.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Victor Wembanyama and an assistant coach who both want to hug Usain Bolt first. Usain Bolt lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Victor Wembanyama snaps at the bench on his way out. Spider-Man says nothing, but his look says everything. And here is the answer to our game Pawn Stars of the Neighborhood! Bud Applewhite of Cornbread Hill, Oregon, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the average airspeed of a paper airplane thrown from the upper deck?' The answer was of course roughly one usher per second. Bud takes home a corn dog the size of a mailbox, already gone cold! My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

89-116 (L)

SKIP PASS! Spider-Man fires it cross court to Usain Bolt and the defense is dead in the water! Court vision like that on the athlete is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. The association football player misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Usain Bolt the moment he crosses half court. Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, Usain Bolt panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

So close. Lionel Messi can only stare at the iron. The shot is short, and Usain Bolt is the only man moving. He rips it out of the crowd and the possession lives. Second pass beats the rotation, Usain Bolt to Victor Wembanyama, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Range like that bends a defense completely out of shape, and Victor Wembanyama keeps proving the arc is only a suggestion.

Victor Wembanyama rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. Dwayne Johnson plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Halftime. Lionel Messi is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Lionel Messi blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares of Cheese! To win a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod, text HOOPS to 555-0134 and answer this question: 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Lionel Messi just gift wrapped three free throws on a heat check. The official flashes five toward the scorer's table and Lionel Messi just stares at the hardwood. He knows what comes next.

A cut with that timing from the superhero? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Spider-Man gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Lionel Messi drops it off to Spider-Man on time and on target. Usain Bolt just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Spider-Man half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Gift wrapped by Usain Bolt, and Spider-Man cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Usain Bolt gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Victor Wembanyama drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Laser from Usain Bolt, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Lionel Messi attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Lionel Messi launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Lionel Messi controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The film producer just handed that one straight to the other team. Hey, nobody is perfect at two jobs at once.

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the superhero. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. Coach spent a timeout on a play for the association football player and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Lionel Messi lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Spider-Man drags Lionel Messi away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Usain Bolt sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Lionel Messi puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. And here is the answer to our game Hollywood Squares of Cheese! Dwayne Pickle of Beaver Hollow, Pennsylvania, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' The answer was of course all of them, that is the entire business model. Dwayne takes home a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod! Tonight I learned Usain Bolt used to be an association football player before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

85-128 (L)

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Usain Bolt gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the athlete! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Usain Bolt just did it by hitting Victor Wembanyama on the back side with acres of room. GONE down the baseline! Victor Wembanyama beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Victor Wembanyama cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Victor Wembanyama gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Spider-Man saw it a beat early. Whirl, and GONE! Victor Wembanyama leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. That is what heavy minutes do, Victor Wembanyama has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Coach calls everyone back. Dwayne Johnson drags his feet toward the tunnel. Did you know Dwayne Johnson keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. And now, our halftime TV game show Minute to Win It Back! To win a lawn ornament goose with exactly one seasonal outfit, text HOOPS to 555-0319 and answer this question: 'What is the halftime score of a game that nobody is watching?' Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Spider-Man never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the superhero, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Watch the spacing there, Usain Bolt hits Lionel Messi right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. SPIN and GO! Lionel Messi pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! The association football player just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

Lionel Messi finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Dwayne Johnson photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Spider-Man has known that all night long. Screened, toasted, done. Victor Wembanyama is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Victor Wembanyama slips it to Usain Bolt right in the pocket. Surgical. Reverse layup by Usain Bolt, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

The too-small gesture, aimed straight at the San Antonio Skyscrapers bench, both hands measuring an inch of air. Their coach is out of his chair and onto the officials. Usain Bolt keeps the pose, unblinking, backpedaling all the way. The arena hits a decibel level that clips the broadcast mics.

The head coach just took a technical defending the film producer. Imagine getting fined on behalf of a man who has a shift in the morning.

Hand check on Victor Wembanyama. That is a foul in this league every single time.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Lionel Messi buries it, turns to the crowd on the way back, and the other side immediately calls time. Dagger and a timeout in the same breath.

Both coaches are up off the bench pleading while the officials walk the Victor Wembanyama sequence back frame by frame. The officials come back out, cross their arms, and Victor Wembanyama goes from hero to spectator on one signal.

Dwayne Johnson and Victor Wembanyama share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. And here is the answer to our game Minute to Win It Back! Otis Fenstermacher of Tin Roof, Virginia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the halftime score of a game that nobody is watching?' The answer was of course still tied, philosophically speaking. Otis takes home a lawn ornament goose with exactly one seasonal outfit! During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

90-112 (L)

Lionel Messi gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Spider-Man saw it a beat early. OHHHH, what a read by Lionel Messi! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. There is no finesse in that, and there does not need to be. Usain Bolt simply decided the paint belonged to him.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Usain Bolt disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Lionel Messi is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

Usain Bolt rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. That is what heavy minutes do, Usain Bolt has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

OHHHH here we go! Shoving under the rim, and Dwayne Johnson is right in the middle of it!

A full spin move through traffic from the athlete! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Usain Bolt gets both toes behind the line and the contest arrives through his forearm. Here comes the gift.

That's a wrap for now. Dwayne Johnson dives into the tunnel. Confession: Dwayne Johnson calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And now, our halftime TV game show Win, Lose, or Shrug! To win a giant novelty check made out for two dollars, text HOOPS to 555-0075 and answer this question: 'How many pieces are missing from a jigsaw puzzle at a lake house?' Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Total control. Lionel Messi has this thing on a string. Victor Wembanyama comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Getting to his spot and elevating, Victor Wembanyama puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Lazy feed into the middle, Dwayne Johnson read it the whole way, and that possession is over before it started. Eight on the shot clock, Spider-Man gets a piece of the entry, and the whole set is dead on arrival.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Victor Wembanyama wanted the contact so badly that he forgot the small detail where your feet have to be planted.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Victor Wembanyama did that, and now the loudest twelve people in this arena are all wearing the same uniform he is. PICKED HIS POCKET! Dwayne Johnson jumps the passing lane and he is GONE the other way!

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Lionel Messi controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The defender planted his feet, and Dwayne Johnson said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Dwayne Johnson blows the wide open layup!

That is a lost cause and the big man knows it, so Victor Wembanyama gets him to kick it out with four on the shot clock. The pass is the play here. Victor Wembanyama never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. That is body control you simply cannot coach: Spider-Man stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Down by the baseline, Spider-Man points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Usain Bolt is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Dwayne Johnson looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Lionel Messi looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. And here is the answer to our game Win, Lose, or Shrug! Maxine Skaggs of Bitter Root Draw, New Jersey, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many pieces are missing from a jigsaw puzzle at a lake house?' The answer was of course two, always the same two, and one of them is sky. Maxine takes home a giant novelty check made out for two dollars! During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.