My dream soccer team — football_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

It's all going one way, the pressure is relentless. Crysencio Summerville sees what nobody else sees and puts William Saliba through on goal with a genius through ball. GOOOOOOL from William Saliba! On the pass from João Neves, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

Crysencio Summerville does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. João Neves launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Emiliano Martínez arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

They've done it! Paris Saint-Glinglin find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Emiliano Martínez does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Igor Thiago launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Emiliano Martínez arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Achraf Hakimi reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Igor Thiago strings together a series of dribbles and covers fifty yards on his own. The crowd is on its feet. Igor Thiago lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off!

Emiliano Martínez lumps it long towards Sebastián Coates, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Smooth transition from Sebastián Coates to Crysencio Summerville, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Crysencio Summerville gives it to Donyell Malen into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Donyell Malen clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul. Donyell Malen sends the free kick into the heart of the defence, João Neves pops up between two defenders.

João Neves sees William Saliba peel off and plays him in on the short corner, they're setting up the second wave. Sideways ball from William Saliba to Igor Thiago, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Igor Thiago to Achraf Hakimi, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Brilliant switch of play from Achraf Hakimi! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Yoane Wissa.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Sebastián Coates, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Sebastián Coates takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. In a baffling move, Crysencio Summerville adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 25, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 2244 and answer this question: 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?' Here come the lads. Gavi jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Emiliano Martínez plays out from the back with Yoane Wissa, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Crossfield pass from Yoane Wissa to Crysencio Summerville, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Masterful aerial duel from Crysencio Summerville, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. Crysencio Summerville clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. William Saliba rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The politician boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Achraf Hakimi throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Clearance from Achraf Hakimi under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating.

A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. Otto Pérez Molina weights his pass into the space for William Saliba who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection.

Emiliano Martínez smashes a volley towards Achraf Hakimi, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Achraf Hakimi plays the simple ball to Gavi, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Turnover from Gavi, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence.

William Saliba with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Gorgeous crossfield ball from William Saliba to Crysencio Summerville, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. Monumental ball from Igor Thiago to Gavi, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Gavi looks up and swings in a floated cross, Otto Pérez Molina rises among the defenders. Ball plucked out of the air by Emiliano Martínez, total composure.

1-1 and off we go. William Saliba hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Sebastián Coates does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?'. The answer was of course 27 million, and that number doubles during any form of national crisis or EastEnders cliffhanger. Norman wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

3-1 (W)

Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat. GOOOAL! Igor Thiago onto the pass from Yoane Wissa produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Igor Thiago runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. João Neves joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Oh no, it's in! México No-Era-Penal punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Long kick from Emiliano Martínez, William Saliba positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. William Saliba beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. William Saliba plants the ball with his head on the gift from Yoane Wissa! The keeper dives but it is too late, GOOOOAL!

Emiliano Martínez stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Crysencio Summerville follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Emiliano Martínez plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Crysencio Summerville swings it in and it's BEDLAM in the box! The defense is clinging on for dear life! GOOOOAL! Achraf Hakimi was lurking in the right place, he toes it in past the keeper.

Decisive interception from the politician, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Yoane Wissa takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Yoane Wissa rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Someone has brought a bag of Haribo into the dressing room and it is absolute carnage. Gavi is hoarding the fried eggs. Emiliano Martínez is fighting over the last cola bottle. The gaffer watches the chaos with the resigned smile of a man who has seen it all. "You lot are like a bunch of kids. Right, listen up, here is the plan for the second half." Inside info here — Sebastián Coates insists on sitting in the same seat on the team bus, second row, window side. If anyone takes it, he stands in the aisle and stares at them until they move. At 36, he's earned that level of passive aggression. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Crysencio Summerville sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. What a ball from Donyell Malen! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Achraf Hakimi is away on his own. That is velvet. Achraf Hakimi tries a crossfield ball to Crysencio Summerville but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage.

What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Yoane Wissa turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Sebastián Coates. The defence did not even have time to blink. Sebastián Coates charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Cross from Sebastián Coates, he puts it on the far post for Crysencio Summerville. Crysencio Summerville delivers into the box on the corner, it's a proper BATTLE in there! Defense holds firm!

Wicked through ball from João Neves, the ball skims the grass and finds William Saliba who had set off before anyone else even noticed. William Saliba goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. Emiliano Martínez boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for William Saliba! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. William Saliba swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Achraf Hakimi, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Achraf Hakimi wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

PENALTY! The politician is brought down in the box! In that position, when you burst into the area like that and win a penalty, you change the COURSE of the match. DECISIVE moment. The politician misses his penalty! In that position, the pressure of a penalty is the ultimate TEST, and he's cracked.

On the short corner, Donyell Malen finds William Saliba behind the first defender, lovely movement. William Saliba reaches the byline and pulls it back for Yoane Wissa, the low ball fizzes through the area. Yoane Wissa blazes it into the stands when Gavi had opened the door wide! Empty goal and he still finds a way to miss. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch.

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. Emiliano Martínez sticks the foot out at the right moment and blocks! The ball is neutralised, the keeper is everywhere. Massive clearance from Achraf Hakimi, just get the ball as far away as possible. Igor Thiago steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class.

It's over and we've won it! William Saliba grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Otto Pérez Molina pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-1 (W)

João Neves unleashes a shot, the defender sticks out an arm. PENALTY! That's a silly thing to do in your own box. GOOOOOAL! Crysencio Summerville winds up and fires top corner, the keeper was rooted. PENALTY CONVERTED!

João Neves stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Yoane Wissa follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Emiliano Martínez plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Gavi misreads the run completely and slides in way too early. By the time he lands, the ball's in another postcode. Yoane Wissa is knocked off balance in the box by the defender. The referee looks, blows and points to the SPOT. PENALTY! The tension is thick enough to cut with a KNIFE! Yoane Wissa sends the keeper the wrong way from the spot. Did not even flinch.

Gavi fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Achraf Hakimi plays the medic running in. Emiliano Martínez plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

William Saliba spots Otto Pérez Molina in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Otto Pérez Molina spreads the play and finds Donyell Malen in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Donyell Malen gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Donyell Malen goes to the byline and fires a low ball back, Sebastián Coates is unmarked at the far post.

Otto Pérez Molina with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Powerful run from Otto Pérez Molina, he shrugs off challenges and carries the ball up the pitch. Magnificent shift from Otto Pérez Molina! Achraf Hakimi picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his.

It's kicking off everywhere, tackles, pressing, aerial battles nonstop. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Shifting pass from João Neves to Igor Thiago, the ball drifts into the free zone and Igor Thiago is onto it in two strides. Blistering run from Igor Thiago on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up.

"Get in, lads! That is what I am talking about!" The gaffer punches the air as he comes through the door. Sebastián Coates stands up and starts a slow clap that builds into full-on applause. Donyell Malen bangs the lockers in rhythm. The whole dressing room is bouncing like a pub after a last-minute winner. Club sources confirm Emiliano Martínez has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 34, the 195-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show Richard and Judy's Revenge! To win a book club pick nobody actually read, text 4789 and answer: 'What percentage of book club members actually finish the book?' They are back. Emiliano Martínez salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Donyell Malen aims the corner to the back post but it is headed clear by the defence. Gavi cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Gavi slips Achraf Hakimi in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

The referee sprints over as Sebastián Coates flattens the attacker with an agricultural tackle. Sebastián Coates picks up a caution for swinging his elbow in the challenge. Seen it, penalised it. Sebastián Coates floats his free kick into the area, Crysencio Summerville is there for the header. Crysencio Summerville wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs.

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Donyell Malen sends an aerial beauty to Sebastián Coates, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Right-footed cross from Sebastián Coates, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Gavi. Gavi loses his aerial duel, the opponent got higher and won everything. Not much he could do.

João Neves was too eager! Jumped the gun on Yoane Wissa's pass and the goal is ruled out for offside. The referee comes back from the screen, still hasn't made his call. The wait is cruel. Offside given by VAR — Crysencio Summerville's goal doesn't stand! Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill.

The team cranks up the pressure, their midfielder gives it straight back. Shoulder charge from Sebastián Coates on the opponent, just a bit too forceful for the ref's liking. Free kick from Sebastián Coates goes high and handsome, over the bar and out for a goal kick.

What a performance! Emiliano Martínez exchanges jerseys with the Casablanca Dima-Maghrib skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. João Neves just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. Christine from Eastbourne says roughly twelve percent finish the book and the rest just say it was quite good actually. Book club pick for Christine! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-0 (W)

Yoane Wissa picks out Sebastián Coates with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Sebastián Coates drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Donyell Malen read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. GOOOOOAL for Donyell Malen! On the genius pass from Igor Thiago, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Yoane Wissa slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Achraf Hakimi photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Emiliano Martínez catapults the ball towards Otto Pérez Molina from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Overlap from Otto Pérez Molina on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt.

The clock is the enemy, every loose touch feels like a disaster. Donyell Malen reaches the byline and cuts it back for Sebastián Coates arriving from the second wave. Aimless cross from Sebastián Coates, not for William Saliba, not for anyone. That is a waste. Almighty boot from Yoane Wissa who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe.

The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. The politician lays it off first time to Achraf Hakimi, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Clinical interception from Sebastián Coates, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Sebastián Coates! It fizzes between the lines and Otto Pérez Molina collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. Powerful run from Otto Pérez Molina down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Otto Pérez Molina curls a cross to the near post, Crysencio Summerville is lurking in the box. Emiliano Martínez comes off his six-yard line and gathers with both hands. The keeper is the boss of his zone.

Tea and biscuits are doing the rounds in the dressing room. Emiliano Martínez has nabbed three custard creams before anyone else gets a look in. "Oi, leave some for the rest of us, you greedy sod," shouts Otto Pérez Molina from across the room. The gaffer is smiling. When the biscuit tin comes out, you know things are going well. Otto Pérez Molina has developed a full-blown B&Q addiction, spending every Sunday morning browsing power tools with absolutely no DIY ability. At 76, the lad owns fourteen drills and has never put up a shelf. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7878 and answer this question: 'How many coat hooks are needed to sustain a marriage?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Emiliano Martínez high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Monster press from Yoane Wissa! He runs, he hounds, he harasses, and he ends up winning the ball. The opposition cannot breathe. Yoane Wissa feeds William Saliba in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. William Saliba bounces it off João Neves for a cutting one-two. It threads between two defenders, that is top quality.

Achraf Hakimi launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Gavi, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Absolutely immense from Gavi! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Gavi finds Igor Thiago between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Acceleration from Igor Thiago down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Igor Thiago gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Yoane Wissa.

Emiliano Martínez rolls it short to Igor Thiago into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Royal interception from Igor Thiago! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Wing switch from Igor Thiago, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Achraf Hakimi brings it down with a velvet touch. Class.

The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now. Non-stop press, the opposition are on their knees. Sebastián Coates shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Sebastián Coates boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

William Saliba clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Header won by Igor Thiago, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall. Igor Thiago keeps it short to William Saliba, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Full time, full joy! Emiliano Martínez walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Gavi carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Dakar Teranga FC are yesterday's news. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many coat hooks are needed to sustain a marriage?'. The answer was of course a minimum of six, studies from the University of Barnsley confirm this. Gerald wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

Lovely anticipation from the politician who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Otto Pérez Molina picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him. The politician places his shot to perfection on the cross from Yoane Wissa, GOOOOAL! In that position, that finesse in the foot is pure gold.

Textbook lay-off from William Saliba to Donyell Malen who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway. Donyell Malen charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Donyell Malen dinks a cross over the centre-halves for Gavi, that is an aerial masterpiece. Emiliano Martínez plucks the cross like picking a flower, the whole defence breathes a sigh of relief. Quick throw from Emiliano Martínez to Donyell Malen out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go.

Rapid combination: Igor Thiago to Achraf Hakimi, the ball barely touches the grass between them. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever. BY A WHISKER! Donyell Malen fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there.

Emiliano Martínez plays it along the ground to Igor Thiago, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Igor Thiago links up with William Saliba, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Step-overs from William Saliba, the defender has lost the ball completely.

Disaster! Douala Makossa-Corner score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Emiliano Martínez finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Yoane Wissa plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Igor Thiago. And you, Gavi. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Now here's one for you — Igor Thiago was reportedly spotted in a Wetherspoons at half seven on a Tuesday morning, nursing a full English and reading the Racing Post. At 193 tall, he says the big breakfast is the only thing that fuels a man his size. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 6161 and answer this question: 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Yoane Wissa does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

William Saliba drops a lofted ball to Donyell Malen, it sails over the entire midfield line. Donyell Malen wins the header and flicks it on for Achraf Hakimi. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. OHHH what a strike from Crysencio Summerville! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save.

Donyell Malen presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Donyell Malen winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. Yoane Wissa puts the ball right into the path of Sebastián Coates, played to the inch, the space is found. Sebastián Coates finds Gavi with a cut-back along the turf, the ball glides across the surface like it is on rails.

Magnificent reading of the game from Sebastián Coates, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Sebastián Coates slides a beauty through the gap, João Neves is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. João Neves explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Overlap on the left from João Neves, floated cross towards Sebastián Coates who rises highest at the far post. Emiliano Martínez climbs and gathers the leather with both hands, that is reassuring.

Emiliano Martínez sends an absolute rocket towards Achraf Hakimi, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Achraf Hakimi steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Achraf Hakimi goes crossfield to João Neves, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

Sebastián Coates dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Panicked clearance from Sebastián Coates, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. Gavi loses his aerial duel against the opposition midfielder, he could not get position before the jump. Perfect aerial claim from Emiliano Martínez! He gathers the cross in his box, that is SOLID. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever.

Good ball from Yoane Wissa to Crysencio Summerville, playing it quick between the lines. Crysencio Summerville crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Donyell Malen is in the right place. The cross from Donyell Malen is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm. Tidy restart from Emiliano Martínez along the deck to Yoane Wissa, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Commanding header from Yoane Wissa who wins his aerial duel. The opponent tried to barge him but Yoane Wissa did not budge an inch.

Level score. Yoane Wissa screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Igor Thiago boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?'. The answer was of course a fried egg and half a sausage, obviously. Trevor wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-1 (W)

Donyell Malen sets it for William Saliba, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. William Saliba gives it to Igor Thiago and gets it back, the one-two is spot on, William Saliba is away. William Saliba produces a LUXURY solo! He dribbles, he accelerates, he beats them, he finishes, GOAL!

Donyell Malen mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Igor Thiago raises Donyell Malen's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Emiliano Martínez plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Blistering solo run from Crysencio Summerville, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Crysencio Summerville! The defender TACKLES him in the box, the referee blows without hesitation. The player gets up, the pressure is on his SHOULDERS now. Crysencio Summerville steps up to the spot and SMAAAASHES it! The keeper dives, the ball is on the other side. GOAL!

The corner from Gavi is met by Otto Pérez Molina with a header, but it drifts past the frame. Long ball from Emiliano Martínez for Sebastián Coates who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Sebastián Coates goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags.

Perfectly coordinated low block, the opposition looks helpless. OHHH the rush from Emiliano Martínez! He read it, charged, and smothered the ball. ONE-ON-ONE WON! Sebastián Coates hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Lagos No-Carry-Last score right on the stroke of half-time.

Emiliano Martínez mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Yoane Wissa raises Emiliano Martínez's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Emiliano Martínez plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

The boss pulls Achraf Hakimi aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 28 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Achraf Hakimi just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We're hearing that Crysencio Summerville spent his entire signing bonus on a ride-on lawnmower. Doesn't even have a garden — he lives in a flat. But the lad is 25, he's got a mower, and he says he's 'planning ahead.' Absolute scenes. And now, our TV game show The One Show Nobody Asked For! To win a cushion from a John Lewis display, text 5345 and answer: 'How many throw cushions is too many throw cushions on a sofa?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Yoane Wissa claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

The politician intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Dreadful pass from Yoane Wissa, lands three yards away from the target. Otto Pérez Molina can do nothing with that.

Devastating burst of pace from Donyell Malen, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Donyell Malen is CUT DOWN in the box by the defender! Penalty! The referee is sure of himself, he points to the spot. The moment is VITAL, nobody is breathing in the ground! Penalty missed by Donyell Malen, the shot goes wide of the post. He's devastated.

Sebastián Coates boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. The cross from Donyell Malen is way too long, it ends up in the arms of the goalkeeper.

Massive diagonal from Crysencio Summerville! Yoane Wissa receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Yoane Wissa springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference. One touch football: Yoane Wissa to Otto Pérez Molina, faster than the opposition can think. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up.

Achraf Hakimi reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Achraf Hakimi triggers a change of flanks for William Saliba, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

Crysencio Summerville whips the ball into the box from the free kick, Sebastián Coates throws himself at it for a header. Aerial duel won by Sebastián Coates, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Sebastián Coates lets fly with his left foot, WHAT A STRIIIIKE! On target but the keeper claws it away for a corner!

Three points in the bag! Gavi sits on the pitch for a moment, just taking it all in — the floodlights, the noise, the lot. João Neves drags him up: "Come on, the lads are waiting!" The dressing room door closes and you can hear the celebrations from the car park. Brian from Coventry says anything above four cushions is an act of aggression against anyone trying to sit down. John Lewis cushion for Brian! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-2 (L)

Overlap from Yoane Wissa on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Yoane Wissa sets up Crysencio Summerville with a pull-back in the area, that is the goal-scoring pass right there! Crysencio Summerville beats the keeper with a placed strike, it is in the back of the net!

Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Donyell Malen threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Igor Thiago bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Igor Thiago spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Donyell Malen mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Igor Thiago does the wave with contortionist grace. Emiliano Martínez solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Sebastián Coates with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Yoane Wissa curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close! Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all.

GOAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Emiliano Martínez and Sebastián Coates do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Emiliano Martínez arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Sebastián Coates produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. OHHH João Neves strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. They're turning the screw here, wave after wave of attack.

Sebastián Coates sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Emiliano Martínez sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Sebastián Coates nods but does not look up. Now we've learned that Emiliano Martínez has completed every single crossword in the back of the Metro newspaper for the past four years. Never missed one. The squad calls him 'The Professor,' which is a bit generous, but at 34, let the man have his moment. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 2233 and answer this question: 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Otto Pérez Molina does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Gavi pretends to strike and lays it off to Crysencio Summerville, well worked short free kick. Crysencio Summerville fires wide, not far from the post though! Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. SO CLOSE! Gavi sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in.

Double step-over from Gavi, the defender buys both feints. Total humiliation. Gavi tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved!

Sebastián Coates scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Little shift from Donyell Malen to João Neves, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. João Neves gets to the byline and drills a low cut-back, Donyell Malen is there to meet it. Donyell Malen wastes the gift from Yoane Wissa, open goal staring at him and he fires wide. You cannot miss those.

GOAL for Barranquilla Toque-Toque! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Emiliano Martínez mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Gavi raises Emiliano Martínez's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Emiliano Martínez plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Sombrero from Yoane Wissa over the defender, the ball goes clean over his head. Total disrespect. Lay-off from Yoane Wissa to William Saliba, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Lay-off from William Saliba to Crysencio Summerville out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails.

Diagonal from Yoane Wissa to William Saliba, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Dominant header from William Saliba on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. William Saliba slides it to Igor Thiago, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality.

Sebastián Coates thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Crysencio Summerville looks up and launches a long pass towards Otto Pérez Molina. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. The overlap from Otto Pérez Molina, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Cross out of reach from Otto Pérez Molina, Sebastián Coates cannot do a thing, it is too high. Emiliano Martínez throws it out quickly to Donyell Malen, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

Shared match. Sebastián Coates walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Otto Pérez Molina does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?'. The answer was of course 23 centimetres, though the chicken and bacon triple reaches a majestic 31. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-3 (L)

Emiliano Martínez finds Gavi with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Gavi shifts it to Sebastián Coates with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. GOOOOOAL! Sebastián Coates takes responsibility from 30 yards and sends a MAGNIFICENT rocket top bins!

GOAL for Montevideo Garra-Charrúa! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Emiliano Martínez runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Emiliano Martínez tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

High recovery from Crysencio Summerville who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. What a nose for goal from Crysencio Summerville! On the rebound, he was on the prowl and places his boot in the right spot. GOAL!

It's a goal for Montevideo Garra-Charrúa! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Quick exchange between Igor Thiago and Sebastián Coates, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Sebastián Coates changes the point of attack with a raking pass to William Saliba. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. William Saliba sends in a curling delivery, Igor Thiago peels off the back of his marker and finds space.

The gaffer changes everything. Formation, personnel, instructions. Yoane Wissa gets shifted. William Saliba drops deeper. "What we did in the first half never happened, right? We delete it, we burn it, we start fresh." The players listen in grim silence. The second half is a rescue mission now and everyone knows it. William Saliba once gave a nine-minute post-match interview entirely about the weather, mentioning drizzle fourteen times. At 25, the lad has officially become a middle-aged dad trapped in a footballer's body. And now, our TV game show Come Dine With Regret! To win a microwave meal for two from M&S food hall, text 0800PING and answer: 'What is the fanciest thing you can make using only items from the reduced aisle?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Achraf Hakimi does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

Oh dear oh dear! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Perfect back flip from Emiliano Martínez right in front of the home end, five-star landing. William Saliba tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Emiliano Martínez has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Crysencio Summerville takes his corner to the near post but a defender is there to cut it out. Decisive interception from João Neves who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but João Neves saw it all. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

Otto Pérez Molina hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Monster clearance from Emiliano Martínez, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Otto Pérez Molina. Otto Pérez Molina wins his duel in the air and heads it down for João Neves. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Massive clearance from Otto Pérez Molina in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

William Saliba puts it right into the feet of Gavi, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Gavi steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. Gavi is cautioned for persistent fouling. The referee finally snapped. Gavi strikes but the wall stands firm, it's blocked. Sebastián Coates clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away.

Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Crysencio Summerville sends Gavi into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Lightning overlap from Gavi, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Cross from Gavi off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Sebastián Coates at the far side. Sebastián Coates swings in the corner, it's bedlam! The ball bounces around like a pinball, defense clears!

Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. Donyell Malen lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. Beautiful distribution from Emiliano Martínez to Sebastián Coates, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Sebastián Coates gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building.

Flawless defense, players throwing their bodies on the line to protect the goal. INSANE fingertip save from Emiliano Martínez! He stretched to the absolute max and the ball went out over the bar. Emiliano Martínez sparks the transition with a quick throw to Igor Thiago, the break is lightning fast.

Give and go from the politician with Achraf Hakimi, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold. The politician accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Perfect low cut-back from Otto Pérez Molina, the ball slides across the box and Yoane Wissa just has to finish.

Defeat. Achraf Hakimi sits on the pitch long after the whistle, knees pulled up, replaying every mistake in his head. Crysencio Summerville comes back out from the tunnel to get him: "Come on, mate. Can't stay here all night." The groundsman's already got the sprinklers going. Tracey from Stockport says a prawn cocktail made entirely from items reduced to ten pence. M&S meal for Tracey! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

3-2 (W)

Classy interception from Achraf Hakimi, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Majestic individual run from Achraf Hakimi, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Achraf Hakimi takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Achraf Hakimi dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Otto Pérez Molina can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Emiliano Martínez claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Magnificent tackle from Sebastián Coates! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. GOOOOAL! Gavi lobs the keeper with a silky touch, the ball drops gently into the back of the net. That is MAGNIFICENT, pure velvet!

Sebastián Coates spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Otto Pérez Molina gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

William Saliba reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. William Saliba sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Crysencio Summerville. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Crysencio Summerville is eaten alive in the air by the attacker, the duel is lost beyond any doubt. Pure power won the day. Emiliano Martínez stands firm! Reflexes worthy of a world class goalkeeper.

The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Crysencio Summerville delivers a tidy ball to Otto Pérez Molina, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Otto Pérez Molina drills a low ball back for Igor Thiago, the kind of delivery that keepers absolutely dread.

GOAAAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

The gaffer walks in, points at the lads, and simply says: "That is exactly what I asked for. Keep it up." Emiliano Martínez nods, ice pack on the knee, cool as you like. Gavi is already talking about where they are going for dinner. Nando's gets three votes. The chippy gets five. Democracy in action. Brilliant little nugget — Yoane Wissa has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 176, for the record. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 6161 and answer this question: 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Sebastián Coates claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

Perfectly executed challenge by Achraf Hakimi, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Instinctive clearance from Achraf Hakimi who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. William Saliba tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. OHHH the header from the politician goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision.

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Emiliano Martínez finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Sebastián Coates plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

The corner from Donyell Malen is immediately cleared at the near post, the defence is alert. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Igor Thiago has a go and it's on target but the keeper is equal to it. Good save.

Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. Donyell Malen shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Emiliano Martínez takes his time and plays it short to Yoane Wissa. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Crysencio Summerville hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Cut-back along the deck from Crysencio Summerville, Sebastián Coates pops up between the centre-halves. The pull-back is spot on. Sebastián Coates alone in front of an open goal after the pass from Otto Pérez Molina... and he puts it wide. Absolute nightmare.

Otto Pérez Molina launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Achraf Hakimi brings the opponent down with a cynical challenge. Nothing malicious, just effective. Achraf Hakimi is cautioned, that challenge was dangerous and completely unnecessary.

Disciplined defense, each player closes down his side. Unreal defensive effort from Otto Pérez Molina, recovers from the halfway line to prevent a certain goal. Textbook tackle from Otto Pérez Molina there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end.

Full time whistle and it's absolute SCENES! Sebastián Coates drops to his knees, fists clenched, roaring at the sky. Otto Pérez Molina slides in and wraps him in a bear hug. The away end is bouncing. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío trudge off while our lot sing their hearts out. Take a bow, lads. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?'. The answer was of course a fried egg and half a sausage, obviously. Trevor wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-2 (L)

Burst of speed from Crysencio Summerville, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Pull-back from Crysencio Summerville, Igor Thiago has the ball and all the time in the world to pick his spot. GOOOOAL! Igor Thiago aims like a top finisher. The keeper was on the line but the ball went past him, in the net!

Crysencio Summerville rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Donyell Malen jumps on his back, Emiliano Martínez is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Short build-up from Sebastián Coates to Donyell Malen, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Donyell Malen strikes and the ball thuds off the post with a massive clang. The WHOLE stadium thought it was in! Donyell Malen read the trajectory of the cross from João Neves perfectly! Tap-in from 4 yards, the keeper had no chance. GOAL!

Sebastián Coates falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then William Saliba arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Yoane Wissa rolls it to Achraf Hakimi, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The referee pulls play back for a foul by Achraf Hakimi. Held the opponent back by the arm. The referee has lost patience, yellow card for Achraf Hakimi. Foul after foul after foul. The wall repels Achraf Hakimi's free kick! Well organised, well jumped, well defended. Emergency clearance from Donyell Malen, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe.

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Absolute peach from Otto Pérez Molina, threading it through for Igor Thiago, the centre-halves are done for! Offside given against Igor Thiago but that is desperately close, Otto Pérez Molina is absolutely fuming! Hold on, VAR is having a look at this! The referee's got his hand to his earpiece.

High recovery from Yoane Wissa! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. Just wide! Yoane Wissa struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision. 70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that. Igor Thiago spots Otto Pérez Molina peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive. Otto Pérez Molina fires a low ball back across the box for João Neves, the defence is caught wrong-footed.

Emiliano Martínez sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Sebastián Coates sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Emiliano Martínez nods but does not look up. We can exclusively reveal that Sebastián Coates, standing 196, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Would I Lie to the Council! To win planning permission for a shed, text 0800SHED and answer: 'How many forms does it take to get planning permission for a garden shed two inches too tall?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Achraf Hakimi claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. Achraf Hakimi fires the ball over to João Neves with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Enormous leap from João Neves who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments.

Short pass from the politician to Crysencio Summerville, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Perfect cut-back from Crysencio Summerville, Gavi receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. Strike from Gavi that is blocked by a courageous defender. The ball flies out for a corner. Donyell Malen heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. The opponent gets the better of Sebastián Coates in the aerial duel. Too small, too light, not high enough. It is cruel but that is football.

It's hit the back of the net! Rio Malandro FC lead and we look completely lost.

Quick one-two between João Neves and Otto Pérez Molina, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Otto Pérez Molina spreads it to William Saliba, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Lovely use of the ball by William Saliba, finding João Neves in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

Brilliant tackle from Otto Pérez Molina! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. Gavi overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Gavi delivers from the byline, Otto Pérez Molina is on the penalty spot, ready to finish.

GOAL! Rio Malandro FC find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Emiliano Martínez opts for the short option to Yoane Wissa, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Burst of pace from Yoane Wissa on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. Trip by Yoane Wissa, the opponent goes tumbling. Standard free kick. Yellow card for Yoane Wissa, the third foul in quick succession. Referee had no option.

A draw. Otto Pérez Molina claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Crysencio Summerville tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." Roger from St Albans says forty-seven forms and a two-year waiting period for the shed. Planning permission granted for Roger! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-2 (L)

Phenomenal run from Yoane Wissa, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter. PENALTY for Yoane Wissa! He is pushed in the back by the defender inside the box. The referee SAW the foul and points to the spot. The PRESSURE is immense! GOOOAL! Yoane Wissa winds up the left foot and fires with POWER! The keeper got a touch but it goes in anyway!

Emiliano Martínez sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Yoane Wissa, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Players diving for every ball, even the lost causes. Gavi dominates the defender in the air and meets it with his head! The ball flies into the net, GOAL!

Gavi unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Yoane Wissa makes a heart sign with his hands. Emiliano Martínez finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

The politician plays it simple to William Saliba, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. With one swing of the boot, William Saliba finds Otto Pérez Molina on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. The politician whips in a classic cross for Yoane Wissa in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. Crunching tackle by William Saliba on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. William Saliba spots the run from Donyell Malen and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! SHOOOOOT from Donyell Malen, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Gavi reties {his} laces for the fourth time. João Neves cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." A lovely bit of trivia here — Igor Thiago once got stuck on the M25 for four and a half hours and claims it was the most formative experience of his career. Taught him patience, composure, and an appreciation for Radio 2. He was only 25 at the time. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 6161 and answer this question: 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?' Igor Thiago leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Firm pass from Gavi into Otto Pérez Molina, right into the boots. No waste. Otto Pérez Molina plays it simple to Crysencio Summerville, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Crysencio Summerville feints right, goes left, the defender is completely wrong-footed. Crysencio Summerville tries to be clever but gets dispossessed cleanly by his direct opponent.

Everyone has gone up, even the centre-backs are camped in the opposition box. Emiliano Martínez up, pushing and shoving, it's heated in the box. Igor Thiago heads it but it misses the target by inches. Gutting, he had the angle. Emiliano Martínez distributes by hand to João Neves on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Ball into space from João Neves, William Saliba just has to run onto it and collect. Simple and genius. That's been flagged. William Saliba was in an offside position when Igor Thiago played it through. Lifesaving clearance from Sebastián Coates! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Emiliano Martínez hoofs it forward towards Gavi, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

They've scored! Istanbul Cehennem FK find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Emiliano Martínez stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Igor Thiago follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Emiliano Martínez plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Igor Thiago lays it off first time to Achraf Hakimi, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Achraf Hakimi slides the ball into space for Otto Pérez Molina, he is away down the middle. Otto Pérez Molina is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Sebastián Coates's pass was beautifully weighted too. The referee blows his whistle and signals for a VAR review. The tension is unbearable. VAR has the final say and it's a no — Crysencio Summerville's goal is wiped off!

What a tackle by Sebastián Coates! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Crysencio Summerville threads a ball into the void for Donyell Malen, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous. Ball across the ground from Donyell Malen, it slides through the entire box and reaches João Neves on the penalty spot.

Firm pass from João Neves into Yoane Wissa, right into the boots. No waste. Just wide from Yoane Wissa, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Great vision from Sebastián Coates who switches to João Neves. The defence pivots, but they are too late.

1-1. William Saliba and Emiliano Martínez are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says William Saliba. "Next time," replies Emiliano Martínez. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?'. The answer was of course a fried egg and half a sausage, obviously. Trevor wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-3 (L)

The gaffer is out of his technical area, demanding one last effort. Emiliano Martínez up with wings on his boots, his team pushing like never before. GOOOOOOAL! Donyell Malen bursts into the box, meets the cross from Gavi with his head and rocks the net!

Emiliano Martínez mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Sebastián Coates plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Emiliano Martínez applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Emiliano Martínez finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Igor Thiago plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

William Saliba throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. William Saliba goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking. GOOOOOAL! William Saliba lets his technique do the talking, he curls it on the pass from Gavi and the ball nestles in the corner!

Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break. Donyell Malen bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Donyell Malen finds Crysencio Summerville with a pull-back in the area, the ultimate assist ball. CRAAACKER from Crysencio Summerville outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide!

Intense press, the defender misplaces the pass under pressure. Crysencio Summerville attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious. Huge tackle from Gavi! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Solo run from Gavi, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. SHOOOOT from Gavi... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

Deathly silence in the dressing room. You could hear a pin drop. Sebastián Coates sits with {his} head in {his} hands, the picture of a footballer who knows {he} has had a nightmare. William Saliba is slumped against the wall, eyes vacant. The gaffer stands in front of them, veins bulging in his neck, searching for words that will not come out as screaming. Brilliant little nugget — Crysencio Summerville has a recurring dream where he's stuck in a Harvester salad bar that never ends. He told the club psychologist, who apparently just said 'that's very normal for a man your height.' He's 174, for the record. And now, our TV game show Ready Steady Can't Cook! To win an M&S dine-in-for-two deal, text 0800DINE and answer: 'How many times can you reheat a shepherd's pie before it becomes a health hazard?' Out they come. João Neves has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

And that's a goal! Milano Piano-Piano extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Emiliano Martínez stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Otto Pérez Molina comes over and hugs him without a word.

Sebastián Coates senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. William Saliba anticipates the run from Gavi and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection.

It was bound to happen. Milano Piano-Piano score and honestly, we deserved that.

João Neves to William Saliba, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. William Saliba takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Shirt pull from William Saliba, the attacker's jersey stretches about two yards! William Saliba is cautioned for a cynical bodycheck. The bench nods approvingly.

A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Donyell Malen finds Otto Pérez Molina in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class.

OH NO! Crysencio Summerville thought he'd scored from Donyell Malen's through ball but the assistant has flagged for offside! VAR has taken control of this match, everything frozen, pulses racing all around the ground. VAR check complete — offside detected, João Neves's goal is no more! Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game.

Interception from William Saliba right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Yoane Wissa has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out.

High recovery from Donyell Malen, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. The timing is everything: Donyell Malen releases the ball at the perfect moment and Yoane Wissa explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. It is not happening for Yoane Wissa, the pass to Gavi is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces. Igor Thiago sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Igor Thiago lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war.

Igor Thiago goes straight to the bus without showering. Sits at the back, hood up, headphones in. Emiliano Martínez takes the seat across the aisle but doesn't try to talk. The motorway lights flicker past the window. Sometimes silence is the only honest response. Pamela from Solihull says twice is the legal limit and after that you're playing Russian roulette with leftovers. M&S dine-in deal for Pamela! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-2 (L)

Short corner from João Neves, Gavi comes back to lay it off, they're looking for a fresh angle. Cut-back along the ground from Gavi on the right, Igor Thiago picks it up centrally in front of goal. Massive chance. GOOOOOAL! Igor Thiago is positioned on the penalty spot from the cross by João Neves and slides the ball into the empty net!

João Neves sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Yoane Wissa snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Emiliano Martínez waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Sombrero from Donyell Malen right inside the box, the audacity is outrageous. The defender will not recover from that. Donyell Malen goes on a solo run, beats two defenders and slots it past the keeper. Masterful.

Raw emotion: Donyell Malen cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Otto Pérez Molina crouches beside him and speaks softly. Emiliano Martínez jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Sideways ball from Crysencio Summerville to Donyell Malen, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Donyell Malen nutmegs the defender, the opponent is left on the floor. Filthy. Foul given against Donyell Malen, he went through the back of the opponent. Donyell Malen goes into the book for a disgraceful challenge. Lucky it's only yellow. Donyell Malen lines up his free kick but the wall blocks everything. Frustrating.

GOAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Yoane Wissa sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Crysencio Summerville is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Crysencio Summerville tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Foul by Achraf Hakimi on the opponent, clips him from behind. Free kick.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. João Neves reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Yoane Wissa cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." The 25-year-old William Saliba adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while William Saliba trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 6161 and answer this question: 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Emiliano Martínez takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Sebastián Coates keeps it short to Gavi, no frills, just good football intelligence. Gavi shifts it wide to Otto Pérez Molina on the right, lovely ball into the space. The politician is flagged offside by a whisker on Yoane Wissa's ball, agonising decision. Complete uncertainty in the stadium, VAR has been called in, nobody is breathing. Offside detected by VAR! William Saliba's goal is off the scoresheet!

GOAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Emiliano Martínez spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Sebastián Coates gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

William Saliba gives it to Crysencio Summerville and bursts in behind the marker. The return arrives in stride. Perfection. William Saliba bamboozles the defender with a feint, leaves him chasing shadows. William Saliba lays it off first time to Donyell Malen, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Donyell Malen accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides.

William Saliba puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. William Saliba feeds Crysencio Summerville in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Crysencio Summerville sends Donyell Malen into space with a pass weighted to the centimetre. The fullback is nowhere.

Achraf Hakimi unleashes a raking ball out to Sebastián Coates, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Sebastián Coates reads the movement from Igor Thiago and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. Igor Thiago sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Cut-back from Igor Thiago, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Sebastián Coates.

Big clearance from William Saliba under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. Crysencio Summerville gets his cross wrong, too much power, not enough accuracy. The keeper gathers.

The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something. Igor Thiago pings a ridiculous diagonal to Gavi. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Aerial duel won by Gavi in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Sebastián Coates shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. William Saliba goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?'. The answer was of course a fried egg and half a sausage, obviously. Trevor wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

Yoane Wissa embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. GOOOAL! Yoane Wissa goes on a CRAZY run, dribbles past everyone, beats the keeper and scores. MASTERPIECE!

Yoane Wissa places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Gavi falls to his knees bowing. Emiliano Martínez does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

João Neves slips Donyell Malen in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Donyell Malen plays it into the channel for Yoane Wissa, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Yoane Wissa takes a run-up and FIIIIRES! It is a 30-yard rocket, the keeper is PETRIFIED!

João Neves sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Emiliano Martínez snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Emiliano Martínez waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Donyell Malen floats a cross in from the wing for Igor Thiago, the ball hangs in the box! Igor Thiago outjumps everyone for this header but it does not find the target. Wide. Otto Pérez Molina boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Crysencio Summerville feeds William Saliba in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Body feint from William Saliba, the defender goes the wrong way, that is cruel. William Saliba slides it to João Neves, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Sebastián Coates boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Gavi rolls it to Igor Thiago, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Igor Thiago leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick.

Yoane Wissa is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of Yoane Wissa: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." A peculiar superstition from Achraf Hakimi — he has to tap the crossbar three times and whisper 'come on then' before every match. Nobody knows who he's talking to. The kitman thinks it's the ghost of a Victorian goalkeeper. He's been doing it since he was seventeen. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. João Neves is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Massive punt from Emiliano Martínez, sends the ball sixty yards, João Neves is scrapping for it up top. João Neves tries to find Donyell Malen but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Achraf Hakimi charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening.

Sebastián Coates launches it to Igor Thiago on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Igor Thiago whips in a cross at head height, Sebastián Coates anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. Poor cross from Sebastián Coates, the ball sails three yards over the head of Igor Thiago. Wasteful. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back.

And there it is, München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Three-man routine: Emiliano Martínez, Gavi and Emiliano Martínez do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Gavi has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. Emiliano Martínez goes long for Achraf Hakimi, the ball flies straight into the opposition half.

Oh it's gone in! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening. Gavi shoots... and the fans in the back row get a souvenir. That's very far away. Short restart from Emiliano Martínez to Igor Thiago, building from the back nice and tidy.

Oh what a challenge! Otto Pérez Molina goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Pitch-length run from the politician, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory. Clean lay-off from the politician to Igor Thiago into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class.

A draw. Emiliano Martínez claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. João Neves tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

Brilliant interception from Otto Pérez Molina, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. Gavi winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Free kick from Crysencio Summerville delivered with pace, Achraf Hakimi finds himself in space at the far post. Achraf Hakimi tries to cross from the wing but the defender heads it away. Gavi absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. Otto Pérez Molina loses the header against the towering forward. The size difference told the story.

Change of flanks from Yoane Wissa, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Donyell Malen. Inch-perfect cross from Donyell Malen, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Gavi at the back post. The opponent dominates Gavi in the air with worrying ease. Gavi did not have the tools to compete on that one.

Gavi unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner. VAR signal from the referee, he stops dead in the centre circle. What's he going to give? Penalty after VAR! The referee missed it, but the video is clear on Gavi! The keeper has read Gavi's penalty like a book! Dive, save, it's over! Emiliano Martínez fires it out quickly by hand to Achraf Hakimi, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

João Neves plays a low free kick into the box, William Saliba cuts across to meet it in front of goal. Header from William Saliba on the perfect cross from Gavi, it fliiies but it is over the bar! Emiliano Martínez launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Yoane Wissa after a fifty-yard flight. Old school.

The physio works on Yoane Wissa's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Yoane Wissa, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Gavi, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Gavi attempted a Jamie Oliver fifteen-minute meal that took the 22-year-old two and a half hours and resulted in what witnesses described as 'a crime against pasta.' The smoke alarm went off thrice. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 4455 and answer this question: 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?' Sebastián Coates spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

GOAL for London Three-Pints! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Emiliano Martínez, arms out like an aeroplane. Sebastián Coates follows in like he's skiing. Emiliano Martínez arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Lay-off from Sebastián Coates to João Neves, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. João Neves gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Gavi just needs to sidefoot it home.

Sebastián Coates plays the simple ball to Gavi, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Gavi opens up the space for Igor Thiago with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. Igor Thiago tries to pick out Otto Pérez Molina on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. What positioning from Igor Thiago! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts.

Donyell Malen takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. That's a swan dive from Donyell Malen! He'd get a ten from the Olympic judges. Yellow for Donyell Malen, what a joke of a dive, the ref was standing two yards away. Donyell Malen hits the free kick but it bounces off the wall. Nothing doing. Corner from Otto Pérez Molina, it is a whipped delivery but a defender intervenes and clears.

Corner from Donyell Malen and it's absolute CARNAGE in the box, the defense hacks it clear! Enormous clearance from Igor Thiago inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it. Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment.

VAR has flagged something here, everyone is standing still waiting for the verdict. The video review is conclusive: Igor Thiago deserves red, he's off! Shocking behaviour from Igor Thiago! He's punched the opponent in the back of the head. Sent off! Igor Thiago plays the free kick quickly to Yoane Wissa, they catch the defence napping.

Shared match. Achraf Hakimi walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Emiliano Martínez does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?'. The answer was of course mauve, after a council vote determined it was too exciting for a town built entirely of roundabouts. Trevor wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.