My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇨🇦

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

79-124 (L)

Dwayne Johnson just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Stephen Curry half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about Stephen Curry.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Dwayne Johnson on time and on target. Oldest play in the book, and Dwayne Johnson runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Virat Kohli cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Adolf Hittler tries to force it through two bodies and finds nothing but the defender's hands.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Halftime. Virat Kohli's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Did you know? Virat Kohli launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. And now, our halftime TV game show Last Call Bingo! To win a lifetime pass to a museum of regional soil, text HOOPS to 555-0150 and answer this question: 'How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a scoreboard?' Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Adolf Hittler never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! TRAVEL! Adolf Hittler took the scenic route to the rim and the whistle ended the tour.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Cristiano Ronaldo precisely where the play wanted it. Cristiano Ronaldo turns the corner off the screen from Virat Kohli, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Kick out to Virat Kohli, one more to Cristiano Ronaldo, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Somebody check that job title again: the association football player hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. No roll this time. Virat Kohli swings it right back to Stephen Curry above the break, and it is PURE. Getting to his spot and elevating, Stephen Curry puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Cristiano Ronaldo has all the room in the world. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Cristiano Ronaldo he is on the wrong end of it.

Everything Cristiano Ronaldo puts up there is going in. Off the dribble, off the catch, off balance, it does not matter one bit. Denied, and the heat goes with it. Cristiano Ronaldo gets a long stare from the bench, and he has earned every second of it.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Stephen Curry gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Straight back to the office for the hatter, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Cristiano Ronaldo kicks it over to Stephen Curry, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Stephen Curry gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Stephen Curry, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Stephen Curry stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Cristiano Ronaldo comes back to get him. And here is the answer to our game Last Call Bingo! Leon Poteet of Fence Post, Hawaii, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a scoreboard?' The answer was of course four, plus one man who insists he could have done it alone. Leon takes home a lifetime pass to a museum of regional soil! During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

77-122 (L)

Miami Heart-Attack again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Cross court, on a rope, from the association football player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Adolf Hittler, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. From eight feet Adolf Hittler puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

A cut with that timing from the hatter? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. The hatter just traveled so obviously the referee did not even need a second look. Stick to the day job, my guy.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Shot clock violation! Virat Kohli owns the nail, the middle is a no fly zone, and that possession just expired in their hands.

Back to the locker room. Cristiano Ronaldo punches his locker. Bus driver's confession: Cristiano Ronaldo raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show American Idle! To win a two-year subscription to a newsletter about gravel, text HOOPS to 555-0059 and answer this question: 'What is the recommended number of nacho cheese pumps per tray?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits Cristiano Ronaldo in stride before the defense can even match up. OHHHH the pin-down! Cristiano Ronaldo pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Stephen Curry. Brutal. The association football player had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Turnover, layup, Miami Heart-Attack straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Stephen Curry controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Virat Kohli kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Adolf Hittler and Dwayne Johnson just played basketball and the defense got shredded. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Adolf Hittler has it on a string tonight.

Even the cricketer knows better than that. You do not get to walk your man into the paint and call it a pick.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Trapped in the corner of the backcourt, Cristiano Ronaldo picks up his dribble, and the clock does the rest.

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. Rough look for the hatter there. In his line of work you get to take that one back, out here it is two points going the other way.

Cold blooded from Miami Heart-Attack, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

BAAAANG! Stephen Curry sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. Blocked into the floor. Adolf Hittler will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Stephen Curry walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Baseline wide open. Adolf Hittler said thank you. Zero hesitation, zero conscience. Adolf Hittler made that closeout look completely pointless.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Adolf Hittler disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Stephen Curry is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

Virat Kohli takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Dwayne Johnson doesn't drink. Throat too tight. And here is the answer to our game American Idle! Lamar Twitty of Little Sandy Corner, Delaware, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the recommended number of nacho cheese pumps per tray?' The answer was of course three, and anything past three is a lifestyle. Lamar takes home a two-year subscription to a newsletter about gravel! Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

86-131 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Set called, Cristiano Ronaldo waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. Adolf Hittler eats the contact so Cristiano Ronaldo can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the association football player is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

Stephen Curry rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. That is twice tonight Stephen Curry has tried to create with the dribble already dead, and this league does not reward that.

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits Dwayne Johnson in stride before the defense can even match up. Virat Kohli sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Dwayne Johnson finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. The cricketer had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Back to the locker room. Virat Kohli's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Intel: Virat Kohli once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feudal! To win a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage, text HOOPS to 555-0263 and answer this question: 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

Stephen Curry guesses left, the ball handler goes right, and suddenly this is a two-on-one before anybody can rotate. Late rotation from Adolf Hittler, he arrives half a beat behind the drive and the contact is obvious to everybody in the building.

Adolf Hittler hands it off to Virat Kohli, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the hatter! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Laser from Adolf Hittler, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The association football player pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Range like that bends a defense completely out of shape, and Dwayne Johnson keeps proving the arc is only a suggestion.

Dagger from Orlando Magic-Beans. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Straight down the baseline goes the hatter! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Rising up out of the corner, Adolf Hittler sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

The association football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Screen, hesitation, delivery, Adolf Hittler drops it off perfectly for Stephen Curry diving to the rim. That is the shot Stephen Curry wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Orlando Magic-Beans with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Four on five while Dwayne Johnson lies there waiting on a whistle that is never coming. That is the real cost of the flop.

The association football player is running this zone like he has been drawing it up his entire life. Wrong career, my friend, absolutely the wrong career. Hustle does not check your job title: the hatter tips it away and the possession is ours.

Dwayne Johnson closes his eyes walking out. Adolf Hittler keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. And here is the answer to our game Family Feudal! Randy Dinkins of Sockburn, Ohio, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The answer was of course still yellow, but it means something different. Randy takes home a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage! I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

78-122 (L)

Right through the window. Cristiano Ronaldo to Adolf Hittler on the roll, and the help was a half step late. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the hatter! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the hatter, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Lob from Adolf Hittler, and Stephen Curry rises above the rim to hammer it through. Filthy.

Chest bump so violent that Stephen Curry and Adolf Hittler both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

That is vision. Cristiano Ronaldo sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. So close. Virat Kohli can only stare at the iron.

Back in the locker room, Cristiano Ronaldo sits down and stares at the ceiling. Rumor has it Cristiano Ronaldo talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. And now, our halftime TV game show Three in a Row Probably! To win a crock pot with the lid from a completely different crock pot, text HOOPS to 555-0607 and answer this question: 'What happens to the air inside a basketball left in a truck overnight?' The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Court vision like that on the hatter is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Dwayne Johnson beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Over the top of everybody. Adolf Hittler to Stephen Curry in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Stephen Curry! Nothing but runway to the rim! Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the hatter, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Illegal, and expensive. The cricketer gets the goaltending call and the basket counts. Long day at the office, longer night under the rim.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Stephen Curry just did it by hitting Virat Kohli on the back side with acres of room. Virat Kohli crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. A cruel spin-out for the cricketer, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Cristiano Ronaldo did that, and now the loudest twelve people in this arena are all wearing the same uniform he is. OHHHH, Stephen Curry just took that thing right out of his hands!

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Cristiano Ronaldo, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. OH NO. Cristiano Ronaldo launched from WAY downtown and the closeout took his landing spot. Three free throws.

Stephen Curry holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Dwayne Johnson flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. The ball skips around the perimeter, Adolf Hittler finds the open man on the weak side, and Dwayne Johnson buries it.

Dwayne Johnson hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Virat Kohli shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Adolf Hittler sits on the floor in the hallway. Dwayne Johnson sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. And here is the answer to our game show Three in a Row Probably! Colleen Hackenberg of Rusty Nail, Pennsylvania, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What happens to the air inside a basketball left in a truck overnight?' The answer was of course it becomes a slightly smaller basketball, and everybody in the gym agrees to say nothing about it. Colleen therefore wins a crock pot with the lid from a completely different crock pot! Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

88-125 (L)

No play on the ball whatsoever. Virat Kohli took the man down from behind and hoped the crew was feeling generous. They were not. The most expensive whistle in this sport, and the defender earned every inch of it with what he did to Virat Kohli. Two at the line and the ball right back.

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

OHHHH here we go! Shoving under the rim, and Cristiano Ronaldo is right in the middle of it!

Set called, Dwayne Johnson waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. Dwayne Johnson gives it up to Cristiano Ronaldo on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Watch the footwork from Cristiano Ronaldo: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Kisses the biceps, one and then the other, and Cristiano Ronaldo strolls to the free throw line like a man on vacation. Stephen Curry fans him with a rolled-up game program. The bench is in tears. Even the guy running the game clock is grinning into his monitor.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

End of the first half. Dwayne Johnson is beet red but still standing. I've been told Dwayne Johnson always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show Dancing with the Substitutes! To win a deep fryer with a note taped to it reading DO NOT USE INDOORS, text HOOPS to 555-0421 and answer this question: 'Who decides which sock goes missing in the dryer?' Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

No hero ball here: Stephen Curry takes what the defense gives and moves it along. The cricketer just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! That is what heavy minutes do, Dwayne Johnson has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

TECHNICAL ON THE BENCH! The head coach is way out past the box, and it takes Virat Kohli with both arms to walk him back.

Tipped away by Stephen Curry! Loose ball, scramble, bodies everywhere, and it ends up in our hands. Stephen Curry grabs it, turns, and slings a one-hander three quarters of the floor. Filthy. Two defenders in the lane, Adolf Hittler splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Adolf Hittler does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

OHHHH the bench is GONE! Towels over heads, bodies off the chairs, all because of Virat Kohli!

Cristiano Ronaldo rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead. Third whistle on Cristiano Ronaldo. He could argue the first two. This one he cannot.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Stephen Curry walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. The cricketer just handed that one straight to the other team. Hey, nobody is perfect at two jobs at once.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Adolf Hittler slips it to Dwayne Johnson right in the pocket. Surgical. Ambition, ten out of ten. Footwork, two out of ten. Dwayne Johnson beat himself before the defender ever showed up.

Cristiano Ronaldo lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Virat Kohli decides not to comment. And here is the answer to our game Dancing with the Substitutes! Ethelene Chumley of Cracker Barrel Bottom, Maryland, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Who decides which sock goes missing in the dryer?' The answer was of course a committee, and they meet on Tuesdays. Ethelene takes home a deep fryer with a note taped to it reading DO NOT USE INDOORS! On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Virat Kohli. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

80-125 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Virat Kohli rips it out of the air and we are off.

Cristiano Ronaldo launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. One little shoulder dip from Adolf Hittler and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Prayer from Adolf Hittler. Not answered.

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. A cricketer breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Reverse layup by Virat Kohli, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Virat Kohli never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Off to the locker room. Dwayne Johnson has already drained two water bottles. They say Dwayne Johnson eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. And now, our halftime TV game show Shop Til You Flop! To win a lifetime membership in a book club that owns one book, text HOOPS to 555-0983 and answer this question: 'How many gallons of orange drink are sold at a fairground gym?' We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.

Swing, swing, and Stephen Curry finds Adolf Hittler on the wing before the help can even turn its head. The hatter just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Pull-up from the elbow by Virat Kohli, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits Cristiano Ronaldo in stride before the defense can even match up. Cristiano Ronaldo splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Virat Kohli missed that one with real conviction.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The hatter reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. The hatter had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Cristiano Ronaldo threw it before the help even committed. They do not teach that in the cricketer handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. OHHHHH POSTERIZED! Dwayne Johnson just ENDED that defender at the rim!

Dwayne Johnson rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. Adolf Hittler plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Textbook two three with Adolf Hittler manning the back line, and they have not seen a clean look in three trips.

Set called, Dwayne Johnson waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. Dwayne Johnson comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Two points left on the floor by Dwayne Johnson, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

SKIP PASS! Cristiano Ronaldo fires it cross court to Stephen Curry and the defense is dead in the water! Two guys on the exact same page, Stephen Curry and Virat Kohli, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. That is a dime from Adolf Hittler that deserved so much better, and Stephen Curry knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Adolf Hittler chews his nails on the bench. Stephen Curry stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. And here is the answer to our game show Shop Til You Flop! Roberta Yoakum of Cedar Stump, Vermont, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many gallons of orange drink are sold at a fairground gym?' The answer was of course eighty gallons, and only nine people will admit to buying any. Roberta therefore wins a lifetime membership in a book club that owns one book! Behind the scenes, I learned Stephen Curry was also an association football player in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

82-126 (L)

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Second pass beats the rotation, Adolf Hittler to Virat Kohli, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Back breaker. A four point play swings this thing by two full possessions, and Virat Kohli did it with a hand in his face.

Watch Dwayne Johnson plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Cristiano Ronaldo out of that corner in a blink. BAAAANG! Cristiano Ronaldo from the logo, and the entire bench is on its feet losing its mind!

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Cristiano Ronaldo does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Adolf Hittler attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Adolf Hittler goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

The locker room fills up. Dwayne Johnson has already eaten three oranges. Exclusive info: Dwayne Johnson is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. And now, our halftime TV game show American Idle! To win a two-year subscription to a newsletter about gravel, text HOOPS to 555-0059 and answer this question: 'What is the recommended number of nacho cheese pumps per tray?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The box score will show nothing at all for the cricketer, just a ruined shot and a shooter who will remember that wall all night.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Cristiano Ronaldo has known that all night long. The cricketer just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Stephen Curry threads a BEAUTY to Cristiano Ronaldo under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Stephen Curry drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Adolf Hittler blows the wide open layup!

The association football player just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! No good. Cristiano Ronaldo rushed that one.

Virat Kohli gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Adolf Hittler saw it a beat early. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Virat Kohli passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Not a hand on him. Virat Kohli flat missed the bunny.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Here is what makes a defense elite: Dwayne Johnson does not just block shots, he deletes the whole idea of driving on this team.

The strategy of the desperate, executed to perfection by Stephen Curry. Foul, stop the clock, pray at the other end, repeat.

Cristiano Ronaldo's eyes are glassy. Dwayne Johnson mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. And here is the answer to our game American Idle! Lamar Twitty of Little Sandy Corner, Delaware, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the recommended number of nacho cheese pumps per tray?' The answer was of course three, and anything past three is a lifestyle. Lamar takes home a two-year subscription to a newsletter about gravel! Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

85-130 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Minnesota Ice-Wall with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Adolf Hittler launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Baseline spin from Dwayne Johnson at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Deep. Deeper. GONE. Dwayne Johnson drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Stephen Curry gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Cristiano Ronaldo saw it a beat early. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Stephen Curry, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Third one of these from Stephen Curry this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Stephen Curry. Bless him, Stephen Curry tried a move he has clearly only ever pulled off in an empty gym at midnight. Walk.

The hatter takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Adolf Hittler had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Break. Adolf Hittler collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know Adolf Hittler plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. And now, our halftime TV game show Foul Line Confessions! To win a hood ornament from a truck that was never built, text HOOPS to 555-1098 and answer this question: 'Why does every gym in the country smell exactly the same?' Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Give and go! Cristiano Ronaldo gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! OHHHH, that one died in the air! Cristiano Ronaldo put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Shot clock down to two, Adolf Hittler throws up a prayer from twenty six feet, and it is not answered. The offense stalls, Cristiano Ronaldo gets stuck on the wing with no exit and nobody flashing open, and the shot clock eats him alive.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Ball into Virat Kohli at the elbow, Adolf Hittler plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. The hatter just double dribbled in front of a sold-out building. Nobody back at work is ever letting that one go.

The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Adolf Hittler punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Runner in the lane by Dwayne Johnson, high off the fingertips, straight down through the net. Splash!

Dwayne Johnson hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Virat Kohli shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Textbook two-man game: Stephen Curry keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Virat Kohli rolls into an open runway. Awful shot by Virat Kohli with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

Stephen Curry comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Dwayne Johnson just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. That is the shot chart lying to you. Dwayne Johnson did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Dwayne Johnson mutters while walking out. Stephen Curry watches from the corner of his eye, worried. And here is the answer to our game show Foul Line Confessions! Wendell Crabtree of Lost Mitten, Colorado, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why does every gym in the country smell exactly the same?' The answer was of course floor wax, popcorn, and forty years of accumulated nervousness. Wendell therefore wins a hood ornament from a truck that was never built! During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

87-132 (L)

Won it clean! Virat Kohli got up and over him with room to spare.

Ball moves. Cristiano Ronaldo to Dwayne Johnson, on time and on target. POCKET PASS! Dwayne Johnson threads it to Cristiano Ronaldo between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Gift wrapped by Virat Kohli, and Cristiano Ronaldo cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Two defenders, one gap, and Cristiano Ronaldo finds it. Onions on that pass. OHHHH that is SILKY! Dwayne Johnson with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Dwayne Johnson roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The locker room fills up. Virat Kohli has already eaten three oranges. Juicy anecdote: Virat Kohli was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. And now, our halftime TV game show The Newlywed Regret Game! To win a genuine imitation leather fanny pack, text HOOPS to 555-0155 and answer this question: 'How many potato chips are in a family size bag before the air gets involved?' Break's over, the players take their positions.

Screened, toasted, done. Stephen Curry is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Stephen Curry. Cruel.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Virat Kohli slides, closes out, recovers. The ball goes all the way around the perimeter and comes back with nothing. Clean block, all ball, no whistle, and Dwayne Johnson jogs back down the floor like nothing happened.

Down screen, and Adolf Hittler curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Adolf Hittler gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

The officials swallow a LOT of noise in this league, so understand exactly what it took for Virat Kohli to get whistled up for that one. Virat Kohli would not let it go. He already had one, he knew the rule, and he kept talking anyway.

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Give the man credit for the effort, because Dwayne Johnson contested that from three feet behind, which is technically a contest. Cristiano Ronaldo does not love that call. Both hands in the air, a long look at the official, and the whistle still counts.

Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Stephen Curry did all the dirty work on that one. Onions! Adolf Hittler did that with a hand in his face.

Adolf Hittler freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Houston Blast-Off coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Cristiano Ronaldo has known that all night long. Left, right, gone. Adolf Hittler put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Rim out for Adolf Hittler, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Stephen Curry looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Cristiano Ronaldo looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. And here is the answer to our game The Newlywed Regret Game! Loretta Bagwell of Turkey Foot, Georgia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many potato chips are in a family size bag before the air gets involved?' The answer was of course eleven, and the remainder is atmosphere. Loretta takes home a genuine imitation leather fanny pack! I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

85-129 (L)

Hesitate, GO. Stephen Curry is by that hip before the man even blinks. Stephen Curry gets both toes behind the line and the contest arrives through his forearm. Here comes the gift.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

OHHHH the pocket pass! Stephen Curry splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Dwayne Johnson, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Set called, Virat Kohli waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. Lazy one-hander from Virat Kohli through the middle of the floor, and the defender did not even have to leave his feet to take it.

Halftime. The doctor examines Adolf Hittler's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Intel: Adolf Hittler refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! To win a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting, text HOOPS to 555-0975 and answer this question: 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits Adolf Hittler in stride before the defense can even match up. Watch the spacing, Adolf Hittler drags two bodies toward the ball and Stephen Curry is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Stephen Curry went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Full-court pressure on the cricketer, and the trade skills do not transfer one bit. Painful to watch.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Ball into Stephen Curry at the elbow, Adolf Hittler plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Adolf Hittler probes to the right, pulls the string, and rises over a helpless closeout from twenty six feet. Splash.

Adolf Hittler steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

Ten to nothing. Stephen Curry is COOKING and there is not one answer on that other bench. That is a coaching staff completely out of answers. Adolf Hittler has taken this game over and the only tool left in the box is a stoppage.

Look at the shoulders on the cricketer. Everybody has a rough shift at work, but most people do not have twenty thousand witnesses. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Virat Kohli has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

A full spin move through traffic from the association football player! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. That is the kind of finish that changes a defense's body language, and Cristiano Ronaldo has already done it twice this quarter.

STOP AND GO! Stephen Curry hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Stephen Curry is walking back with both hands on his head.

Stephen Curry stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Cristiano Ronaldo exhales. Again. And again. And here is the answer to our game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! Leonard Skidmore of Tumbleweed Alley, Arizona, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' The answer was of course that nobody knows, and the janitors have agreed to stop asking. Leonard therefore wins a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting! I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

85-130 (L)

The referee tosses it high and Virat Kohli rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

SKIP PASS! Cristiano Ronaldo fires it cross court to Stephen Curry and the defense is dead in the water! Here comes Adolf Hittler sprinting off the elbow. Stephen Curry slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Adolf Hittler punishes it with a read most guys never even see. The association football player just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Virat Kohli on time and on target. Right through the window. Virat Kohli to Stephen Curry on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Stephen Curry should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Halftime. Adolf Hittler throws his towel on the floor walking in. Confession: Adolf Hittler tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Leg! To win a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing, text HOOPS to 555-0088 and answer this question: 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Virat Kohli eats the contact so Adolf Hittler can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Long and gone. Adolf Hittler floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Stephen Curry pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Stephen Curry rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Cristiano Ronaldo breaks a shell down. Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Stephen Curry, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Fifth possession this half where Stephen Curry has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

The hatter makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. OHHHH that is filthy! Stephen Curry on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Long miss from the hatter and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Ball into Dwayne Johnson at the elbow, Cristiano Ronaldo plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Way short from Cristiano Ronaldo off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

Set called, Adolf Hittler waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. Adolf Hittler stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Adolf Hittler gets into the paint, sees the shot blocker rising, and simply lifts it over the top of him. Never had a prayer.

Adolf Hittler pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Whistles. Monitor. And Adolf Hittler standing frozen at midcourt. The hatter is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

Stephen Curry walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Adolf Hittler drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game Supermarket Sweep the Leg! Junior Pennywhistle of Slab Town, Kentucky, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' The answer was of course eight, and the ninth is a private matter. Junior takes home a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing! I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

73-117 (L)

Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on Dwayne Johnson. Careful now. Three fouls this early means Dwayne Johnson plays the next stretch with his hands straight up in the air.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Stephen Curry passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Oh, that is rough. Stephen Curry killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The hatter just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The cricketer just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. No touch. Virat Kohli left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

Heading in. Virat Kohli's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Anecdote of the day: Virat Kohli forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. And now, our halftime TV game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! To win a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA, text HOOPS to 555-0938 and answer this question: 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.

Dwayne Johnson forces a contested fadeaway with a hand in his face, front rim, and the drought rolls on. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Cristiano Ronaldo fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Cross court, on a rope, from the association football player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Unselfish basketball. Stephen Curry passes up a good shot and hands Dwayne Johnson a GREAT one. Stephen Curry whips the extra pass across the arc, Dwayne Johnson rises without a dribble, and SPLASH.

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. Dwayne Johnson holds it three seconds. Stephen Curry applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and Dwayne Johnson collects every last one.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Adolf Hittler makes it every single trip down the floor. OHHHH the hesi! Virat Kohli froze him solid and he is already gone! Virat Kohli rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Down screen, and Stephen Curry curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. OHHHH what a FINISH from Stephen Curry! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Stephen Curry points at Cristiano Ronaldo first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Cristiano Ronaldo again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Cristiano Ronaldo waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Watch the sell from Cristiano Ronaldo here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. OHHHH! Cristiano Ronaldo went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Cleveland Twin-Towers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Adolf Hittler precisely where the play wanted it. This is the counter: Adolf Hittler punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Stephen Curry!

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Stephen Curry threw it before the help even committed. Stephen Curry sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Cristiano Ronaldo lays it right on his hands in traffic! Perfect drop-off from Dwayne Johnson, and Stephen Curry answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Dwayne Johnson's eyes are red, jaw tight. Stephen Curry apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. And here is the answer to our game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! Dwight Hufnagel of Bogwater, Maine, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' The answer was of course the excuses, because they come with packaging. Dwight therefore wins a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA! On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Stephen Curry. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

76-121 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Virat Kohli who wins the little argument at center court.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Not a bad shot, not a blocked shot, just no shot at all from Stephen Curry. Somehow the worst outcome available.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Give and go! Stephen Curry gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! ONIONS from Stephen Curry! He saw the hit coming and went up into it anyway. No wasted motion at all from Stephen Curry. Both free throws split the net and the scoreboard ticks over twice.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Stephen Curry lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Adolf Hittler drags Stephen Curry away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Coach calls everyone back. Dwayne Johnson drags his feet toward the tunnel. Confession: Dwayne Johnson tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game of Horseshoes! To win a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0313 and answer this question: 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the association football player made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Rising into two defenders, Cristiano Ronaldo launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Adolf Hittler has known that all night long. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Virat Kohli and Stephen Curry just played basketball and the defense got shredded. The cricketer gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Stephen Curry controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Screen, hesitation, delivery, Adolf Hittler drops it off perfectly for Stephen Curry diving to the rim. Clang. Stephen Curry wants that one back.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Off the pin-down comes the hatter with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Adolf Hittler drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Cristiano Ronaldo launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Down screen, and Dwayne Johnson curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Shot clock at one, and Dwayne Johnson just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Dwayne Johnson gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Cristiano Ronaldo saw it a beat early. One hard step and Dwayne Johnson owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Off the back iron for Dwayne Johnson, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

Dribble handoff from Stephen Curry, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! BANG! Dwayne Johnson steps back, creates the daylight, and buries it right in the defender's eye.

Dwayne Johnson steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

Adolf Hittler snaps at the bench on his way out. Dwayne Johnson says nothing, but his look says everything. And here is the answer to our game The Dating Game of Horseshoes! Sherman Pilkington of Chicken Bristle, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' The answer was of course forty-one feet, and he did not spill a drop, which is the real story. Sherman takes home a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers! Evening confession: I'm wearing Adolf Hittler's jersey under my shirt. For morale. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

80-124 (L)

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Adolf Hittler on time and on target. OHHHH the separation! Adolf Hittler just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Down, up, and gone for Adolf Hittler. The rim is just toying with him now.

Watch Stephen Curry plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Adolf Hittler out of that corner in a blink. Watch the feet on Adolf Hittler there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The association football player fouled a shooter behind the arc. Three free throws, and a timeout that is going to be extremely unpleasant.

The association football player just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the association football player! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

The players disappear. Virat Kohli has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Confession: Virat Kohli believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Rebound! To win a first place pepper jelly ribbon from the 1996 state fair, text HOOPS to 555-1327 and answer this question: 'What is the official color of the squeak sneaker makes on a wet floor?' Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Stephen Curry controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Full stop, full sprint, and the cricketer is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Virat Kohli nothing.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Set called, Dwayne Johnson waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. Dwayne Johnson comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! The big man never even contested it, and Dwayne Johnson still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Cross court, on a rope, from the association football player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Virat Kohli, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Virat Kohli had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Cristiano Ronaldo launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Adolf Hittler does. Adolf Hittler loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

Adolf Hittler cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Virat Kohli joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Stephen Curry walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Hard drive, hard stop, and Virat Kohli retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Virat Kohli gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

The coach just drew up the biggest play of the night for the association football player, a sentence I did not expect to say out loud this evening. BANG! Exactly the play on the clipboard: Adolf Hittler to Cristiano Ronaldo, catch and rise.

Stephen Curry closes his eyes walking out. Cristiano Ronaldo keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. And here is the answer to our game show The Weakest Rebound! Earlene Tidwell of Gizzard Ridge, Tennessee, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the official color of the squeak sneaker makes on a wet floor?' The answer was of course a light mustard yellow, per the county Department of Squeaks. Earlene therefore wins a first place pepper jelly ribbon from the 1996 state fair! Tonight I learned Stephen Curry used to be an association football player before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

87-131 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The cricketer got tossed for scrapping under the basket. Deal with the public all week long and eventually somebody catches a piece of it.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

SKIP PASS! Stephen Curry fires it cross court to Virat Kohli and the defense is dead in the water! The cricketer just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Virat Kohli blows the wide open layup!

That is the second personal charged to Adolf Hittler and the bench is already staring at the clipboard. Foul trouble rewrites a rotation in a hurry.

End of the first act. Virat Kohli is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Locker room intel: Virat Kohli has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show The Joker Is Wild and Unlicensed! To win a mesh trucker hat that says WORLDS OKAYEST UNCLE, text HOOPS to 555-0584 and answer this question: 'What is the name of the guy who mops the floor between timeouts?' Break's over, the players take their positions.

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Watch the spacing there, Cristiano Ronaldo hits Dwayne Johnson right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The extra pass! Dwayne Johnson had the look, gave it up anyway, and Stephen Curry buries it. BANG! Textbook footwork, textbook release from Stephen Curry, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Pass, skip, reversal, pass again. Virat Kohli shifts with every single one of them and the possession ends in a contested fadeaway.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The association football player just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Cristiano Ronaldo had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Two defenders collide on the handoff and Adolf Hittler is gone, so Stephen Curry earned that one even if the box score disagrees. The hatter lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Stephen Curry treats every miss like it belongs to him. Miss, tip, bucket. Stephen Curry makes his living in the wreckage.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits Dwayne Johnson in stride before the defense can even match up. From WAY downtown off the pop! Dwayne Johnson with the extra pass and CASH. The cricketer hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Stephen Curry gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Not a hand on him. Stephen Curry flat missed the bunny. The hatter outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. Rebounding is effort, and effort is apparently what the hatter does for a living. Second chance points, all guts.

Adolf Hittler hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Cristiano Ronaldo shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Hold everything, they are going to the replay on Adolf Hittler, and this building has stopped breathing. Late by a blink. Adolf Hittler is going to see that frame in his sleep tonight.

Stephen Curry's eyes are red, jaw tight. Cristiano Ronaldo apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. And here is the answer to our game show The Joker Is Wild and Unlicensed! Buford Tanksley of Sour Lake Bottom, Texas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the name of the guy who mops the floor between timeouts?' The answer was of course that his name is also Gary, which raises further questions. Buford therefore wins a mesh trucker hat that says WORLDS OKAYEST UNCLE! During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.