My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇨🇦

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

81-126 (L)

The referee tosses it high and Bronny James rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Watch the spacing there, Michael Jordan hits Bronny James right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Bronny James splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Missed layup for the rapper and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Laser from Adam Sandler, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. OHHHH the pin-down! Bronny James pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Ice Spice. Brutal. Fifth possession this half where Bronny James has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

End of the first half. Thor is beet red but still standing. Locker room intel: Thor has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show Briefcase Roulette! To win a portable radio that only picks up farm reports, text HOOPS to 555-0561 and answer this question: 'How many towels does a bench player go through during a blowout?' Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.

Ice Spice rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Ice Spice launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Ice Spice gives it up to Michael Jordan on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. That is another catch and shoot triple for Michael Jordan, and you can see the closeouts getting more desperate every single trip.

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Michael Jordan watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

OHHHH the separation! Ice Spice just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. The rapper had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Ice Spice already has the defense a full step behind. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Michael Jordan and Adam Sandler just played basketball and the defense got shredded. That is body control you simply cannot coach: Michael Jordan stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Michael Jordan stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Michael Jordan, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. That is the shot chart lying to you. Michael Jordan did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The rapper turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Ice Spice cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Whistles. Monitor. And Michael Jordan standing frozen at midcourt. Cold, clinical, and correct. That monitor just took everything from Michael Jordan.

Ice Spice walks toward the tunnel without a word. Thor stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. And here is the answer to our game show Briefcase Roulette! Ardith Sprague of Chicken Wing, Illinois, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many towels does a bench player go through during a blowout?' The answer was of course nine, and one of them is purely decorative. Ardith therefore wins a portable radio that only picks up farm reports! Tonight I had a revelation: Thor runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

108-101 (W)

The player just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Clean feed from Ice Spice, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. The player just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! That is the kind of finish that changes a defense's body language, and Adam Sandler has already done it twice this quarter.

Chest bump so violent that Adam Sandler and Thor both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Ice Spice has all the room in the world. ONIONS from Ice Spice! He saw the hit coming and went up into it anyway. Both knocked down without the slightest wobble. Free throws are just a shift on the clock, and the rapper punched in on time.

STOP AND GO! Michael Jordan hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Michael Jordan nothing.

Halftime. Michael Jordan glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Confession: Michael Jordan believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. And now, our halftime TV game show The Swap Meet Half Hour! To win a car dealership balloon man with no fan, text HOOPS to 555-1318 and answer this question: 'What is the top speed of a mascot running in oversized shoes?' Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

SKIP PASS! Ice Spice fires it cross court to Thor and the defense is dead in the water! Screen, pop, SPLASH! Thor kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the rapper goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Ice Spice roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Cross court, on a rope, from the rapper. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Ice Spice sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Thor lays it right on his hands in traffic! A cut with that timing from the rapper? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. The rapper just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

Down by the baseline, Ice Spice points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Bronny James is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Miami Heart-Attack coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Bronny James turns and points at his teammates, and the entire bench comes up as one. Four live-ball turnovers now for Adam Sandler, and every single one of them has turned into a bucket.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Adam Sandler makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Long and gone. Michael Jordan floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Adam Sandler makes it every single trip down the floor. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Bronny James gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. That is what heavy minutes do, Bronny James has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

No panic, no hero ball, just a dead clock and a lead still standing. The rapper understands the assignment better than half of this league does.

Bronny James and Adam Sandler cradle the game ball like a baby. Thor takes a photo. And here is the answer to our game show The Swap Meet Half Hour! Lurleen Ratliff of Sopchoppy Flats, Florida, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the top speed of a mascot running in oversized shoes?' The answer was of course nine miles an hour downhill, four uphill, and zero once the head falls off. Lurleen therefore wins a car dealership balloon man with no fan! I learned that Bronny James's father was a rapper. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

115-98 (W)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Bronny James rips it out of the air and we are off.

Watch Ice Spice plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Michael Jordan out of that corner in a blink. The big man never even contested it, and Michael Jordan still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

Down screen, and Ice Spice curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Ice Spice do that to one of their own.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Thor and an assistant coach who both want to hug Ice Spice first. Ice Spice lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Swing, swing, and Michael Jordan finds Thor on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Off the pin-down comes the player with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. That is the shot Thor wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Halftime whistle! Bronny James slides down against the hallway wall. Anecdote: Bronny James fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase to the Dollar Store! To win a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care, text HOOPS to 555-0225 and answer this question: 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.

Adam Sandler has to see that help man. When a defender beats you to the spot and sits down, you pull it out.

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Look how low Adam Sandler keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Watch the footwork there from Adam Sandler on the catch, squared up before the ball ever arrives. That is exactly why it goes down so clean.

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. Adam Sandler holds it three seconds. Michael Jordan applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and Adam Sandler collects every last one.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Michael Jordan threw it before the help even committed. Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to player the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. The film producer just fired one in from the logo and the roof nearly came off this place. That is in nobody's job description.

The beauty of it is that Ice Spice never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Down, up, and gone for Adam Sandler. The rim is just toying with him now.

Push the pace! Ice Spice grabs it and hits Michael Jordan in stride before the defense can even match up. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Michael Jordan, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Thor threads a BEAUTY to Michael Jordan under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the player. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. OHHHH that is BEAUTIFUL basketball! Michael Jordan finishes the set and the whole bench is up.

Michael Jordan runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

Ice Spice, Michael Jordan, and Adam Sandler pose for a group photo at center court. Nobody has a phone. And here is the answer to our game The Chase to the Dollar Store! Lurlene Dobbins of Rusty Spoon, New Mexico, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' The answer was of course fifty-one seconds, give or take a conscience. Lurlene takes home a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care! Behind the scenes, I learned Michael Jordan was also a rapper in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

90-109 (L)

The rapper just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The film producer just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! The film producer gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Cross court, on a rope, from the film producer. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Screened, toasted, done. Bronny James is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Bronny James never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Perfect arc. Bronny James makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Bronny James strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Ice Spice carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Adam Sandler drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Buzzer on the shot clock, Ice Spice heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Break. Bronny James's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Exclusive: Bronny James was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game Winner Gets Nothing! To win a bowling ball with the initials of a total stranger drilled into it, text HOOPS to 555-0698 and answer this question: 'How many rows back can you sit before the players become rumors?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Michael Jordan, and not one single soul could do anything about it. From eight feet Michael Jordan puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely. Muscled away at the second jump by Adam Sandler, and this offense resets with a fresh shot clock. The whole possession dies right there without Adam Sandler on the offensive glass, and instead it becomes the two easiest points of the quarter.

Adam Sandler crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Michael Jordan mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Baseline wide open. Michael Jordan said thank you. Wide open at the top of the key and Michael Jordan cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Philadelphia Injury-Report in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Total control. Ice Spice has this thing on a string. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Michael Jordan pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Two points left on the floor by Michael Jordan, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Somebody explain how the rapper reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Michael Jordan comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! So close. Michael Jordan can only stare at the iron.

The basketball simply left Ice Spice. No steal, no pressure, just a quiet parting of ways.

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

One little shoulder dip from Michael Jordan and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Michael Jordan up there and returns it with interest.

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Michael Jordan waits with both hands on top of his head. Waved off. Michael Jordan got the entire celebration in before the officials even reached the monitor.

Adam Sandler leaves the court at a jog. Ice Spice stays there, planted at center court, motionless. And here is the answer to our game show The Dating Game Winner Gets Nothing! Sharlene Boggs of Muleshoe Corner, Ohio, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many rows back can you sit before the players become rumors?' The answer was of course row thirty one, and after that it is basically folklore. Sharlene therefore wins a bowling ball with the initials of a total stranger drilled into it! Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

98-109 (L)

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Adam Sandler breaks a shell down. Watch the change of pace from Ice Spice, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. The rapper hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Michael Jordan, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Late contest, Michael Jordan steps into the contact, whistle blows, and the entire bench puts their hands on their heads.

Whistle! Bronny James gets him on the arm. Personal foul, nothing clever about it. The table confirms it, sixth personal on Bronny James, disqualified, and the boos are pouring down from the visiting section.

Halftime! Michael Jordan is limping slightly heading off the court. I've been told Michael Jordan always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Layup! To win a fondue set with three forks and no instructions, text HOOPS to 555-0347 and answer this question: 'How many folding chairs fit inside a regulation basketball hoop?' Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.

Ice Spice walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Adam Sandler stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. OHHHH that is SILKY! Adam Sandler with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

No hero ball here: Ice Spice takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Two guys on the exact same page, Michael Jordan and Bronny James, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Prayer from Michael Jordan. Not answered.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Ice Spice has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Thor precisely where the play wanted it. The player just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Thor, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

The film producer just got left in the dust, and in fairness, that is a professional athlete he was asked to guard. This is the kind of detail that keeps coaches awake at night: Ice Spice simply has to let that shot miss instead of donating a bucket.

They are burning a timeout on the film producer! Somewhere in that huddle a whiteboard is getting erased in a real hurry.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Ice Spice retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Stepback three from the rapper, ice in his veins. You cannot teach that, and apparently you cannot keep it out of the workforce either.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Adam Sandler. The building went up, the building came right back down, and Adam Sandler is staring at a scoreboard that never moved.

Ice Spice leaves the court at a jog. Bronny James stays there, planted at center court, motionless. And here is the answer to our game show Name That Layup! Vernon Dinkins of Cold Supper, Missouri, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many folding chairs fit inside a regulation basketball hoop?' The answer was of course none, and the fact that somebody tried is the real story here. Vernon therefore wins a fondue set with three forks and no instructions! During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

85-129 (L)

Won it clean! Bronny James got up and over him with room to spare.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Michael Jordan just did it by hitting Adam Sandler on the back side with acres of room. The film producer just handed that one straight to the other team. Hey, nobody is perfect at two jobs at once.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Ice Spice drops it off to Adam Sandler on time and on target. Screen, hesitation, delivery, Adam Sandler drops it off perfectly for Michael Jordan diving to the rim. Rising into two defenders, Michael Jordan launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

Adam Sandler gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Ice Spice saw it a beat early. Right through the window. Adam Sandler to Michael Jordan on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Soft touch from Michael Jordan, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Halftime. Adam Sandler is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Adam Sandler once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Lite! To win a scented candle that smells exactly like a bowling alley, text HOOPS to 555-0402 and answer this question: 'What is the wind speed inside a ceiling fan?' There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Ice Spice controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Bronny James just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Michael Jordan half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Getting to his spot and elevating, Michael Jordan puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Moving screen on the player. The rule book is weeping and the coach is already up off the bench.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Ball moves. Michael Jordan to Thor, on time and on target. Court vision like that on the player is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Michael Jordan, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Set called, Adam Sandler waved out to the corner, and Ice Spice watches the spacing open up like a front door. Adam Sandler crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Shot clock at one, and Adam Sandler just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Ice Spice walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Ball into Adam Sandler at the elbow, Thor plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Thor. Cruel.

First option: Bronny James. Everything else on that clipboard is decoration. BANG! Exactly the play on the clipboard: Adam Sandler to Bronny James, catch and rise.

Ice Spice snaps at the bench on her way out. Michael Jordan says nothing, but his look says everything. And here is the answer to our game Fear Factor Lite! Alvin Kluck of Cheese Ridge, Minnesota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the wind speed inside a ceiling fan?' The answer was of course the same as outside it, only angrier. Alvin takes home a scented candle that smells exactly like a bowling alley! During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

103-90 (W)

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Michael Jordan has known that all night long. Dribble handoff from Adam Sandler, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Reverse layup by Bronny James, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Ice in the veins: Bronny James taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Adam Sandler eats the contact so Michael Jordan can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. BANG! Michael Jordan steps back, creates the daylight, and buries it right in the defender's eye.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Bronny James and an assistant coach who both want to hug Michael Jordan first. Michael Jordan lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The film producer just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Rising up out of the corner, Adam Sandler sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Look at that bench! Adam Sandler just lit the fuse!

The players file out. Michael Jordan exchanges a tense look with the coach. Word is Michael Jordan sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. And now, our halftime TV game show Deal or No Deal or Maybe! To win a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap, text HOOPS to 555-0396 and answer this question: 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Michael Jordan. Count them with me: one step, two steps, and a third one nobody asked for. The official has seen enough of Michael Jordan.

Thor is barking at the official, arms out, eyes wide, and there it is. The T comes flying in.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Ice Spice drops it off to Thor on time and on target. Thor feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. Not a hand on him. Thor flat missed the bunny.

The rapper is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. OHHHH the pin-down! Adam Sandler pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Michael Jordan. Brutal. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the film producer goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Cross court, on a rope, from the rapper. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. OHHHH, what a read by Bronny James! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Rises, releases, and Ice Spice sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Unselfish basketball. Adam Sandler passes up a good shot and hands Bronny James a GREAT one. Rip through, one dribble, contact. Bronny James plays that little game better than anybody on this floor. Spin, one dribble, up and in. Then Bronny James does the whole thing again. Zero drama, two points.

Bronny James and Ice Spice swing Adam Sandler around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. And here is the answer to our game Deal or No Deal or Maybe! Marlene Hufnagel of North Elbow, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' The answer was of course whatever speed produces the most noise. Marlene takes home a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap! While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

100-105 (L)

The rapper is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. SPIN and GO! Thor pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Deep. Deeper. GONE. Thor drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Thor deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. Ice Spice arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

Two defenders collide on the handoff and Bronny James is gone, so Ice Spice earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Gift wrapped by Thor, and Bronny James cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Adam Sandler attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! OHHHH! Adam Sandler went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Over the top of everybody. Adam Sandler to Michael Jordan in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Watch the sell from Michael Jordan here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Michael Jordan rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Ice Spice already has the defense a full step behind. Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Michael Jordan rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Michael Jordan has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Halftime. The physio pounces on Michael Jordan to massage his thighs. Anecdote: Michael Jordan tried to impress the Minnesota Ice-Wall players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of a Pickup Truck! To win a bag of forty-two mismatched socks, all for the left foot, text HOOPS to 555-0173 and answer this question: 'What do you call a free throw that goes in after hitting the ceiling?' Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The film producer just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. OHHHH the hesi! Michael Jordan froze him solid and he is already gone! Perfect drop-off from Adam Sandler, and Michael Jordan answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Ice Spice kicks it over to Thor, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Thor slips it to Michael Jordan right in the pocket. Surgical. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Michael Jordan goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Adam Sandler launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Court vision like that on the player is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Bronny James gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Back at the shop they have got this review up on every phone with the rapper in the frame, and nobody is getting any work done. BAAAANG, make that THREE! The replay has the toe of Ice Spice clean behind the line!

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Swing, swing, and Adam Sandler finds Bronny James on the wing before the help can even turn its head. That is the third live-ball giveaway of the half, and each one has been the same read: Bronny James deciding late and throwing early.

Ice Spice's complexion is grey. Michael Jordan's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. And here is the answer to our game Cash Cab of a Pickup Truck! Harlan Spivey of Bent Fender, Montana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What do you call a free throw that goes in after hitting the ceiling?' The answer was of course a blessing, and the whole gym has to be re-blessed. Harlan takes home a bag of forty-two mismatched socks, all for the left foot! Tonight I learned Ice Spice used to be a rapper before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

107-105 (W)

The box score will show nothing at all for the player, just a ruined shot and a shooter who will remember that wall all night. Off the glass and out of the gym, Michael Jordan launches it and the break is ON! Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. Adam Sandler owns the highlight reel tonight.

Michael Jordan kicks it over to Bronny James, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Bronny James gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Pull-up from the elbow by Bronny James, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Michael Jordan does. Way short from Michael Jordan off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

Houston Blast-Off again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Halftime whistle! Thor slides down against the hallway wall. Did you know? Thor tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. And now, our halftime TV game show Briefcase Roulette! To win a portable radio that only picks up farm reports, text HOOPS to 555-0561 and answer this question: 'How many towels does a bench player go through during a blowout?' Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Ice Spice already has the defense a full step behind. The film producer pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. The rapper spots up in the corner and drills it like it is nothing. Somewhere a shooting coach is crying tears of joy.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Ice Spice is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

No hero ball here: Adam Sandler takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Day job, then this: the player reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Bronny James!

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Ice Spice has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Bronny James precisely where the play wanted it. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Bronny James pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. AIRBALL! Bronny James missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Ball moves. Adam Sandler to Michael Jordan, on time and on target. Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Michael Jordan, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Michael Jordan beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

From WAY downtown off the pop! Ice Spice with the extra pass and CASH. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Michael Jordan fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Michael Jordan loses the handle with nobody inside of five feet of him, and that clip is going to live on the internet forever.

Six on the clock. Thor takes one hard dribble right, pulls it back out, and waits. He is playing the clock, not the man. Somebody explain how the player stays that calm with the whole season riding on one shot. You do not learn that anywhere on this planet!

Thor throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Bronny James grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

Adam Sandler and Michael Jordan carry Bronny James like a trophy across the entire court. And here is the answer to our game show Briefcase Roulette! Ardith Sprague of Chicken Wing, Illinois, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many towels does a bench player go through during a blowout?' The answer was of course nine, and one of them is purely decorative. Ardith therefore wins a portable radio that only picks up farm reports! I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

89-134 (L)

No hero ball here: Michael Jordan takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Second pass beats the rotation, Ice Spice to Michael Jordan, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. So close. Michael Jordan can only stare at the iron.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ice Spice eats the contact so Adam Sandler can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. The film producer tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Cold blooded from Denver Horse-Track, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Ice Spice the moment he crosses half court. Ice Spice went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

End of the first half. Thor is beet red but still standing. Fun fact: Thor tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. And now, our halftime TV game show Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! To win a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office, text HOOPS to 555-0278 and answer this question: 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.

Left, right, gone. Michael Jordan put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Bless him, Michael Jordan tried a move he has clearly only ever pulled off in an empty gym at midnight. Walk.

The rapper just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Bronny James has all the room in the world. Catch on the block, shoulder into the chest, one dribble, and Bronny James finishes over the top. Textbook.

Bronny James points at Thor first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Thor again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Thor waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

The film producer makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. OHHHH the pocket pass! Michael Jordan splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Bronny James missed that one with real conviction.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Michael Jordan retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Blocked into the floor. Michael Jordan will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Give and go! Adam Sandler gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! BAAAANG! Adam Sandler catches it and lets it FLY, nothing but net from the corner!

Adam Sandler slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Take fouls are a coaching decision, but never that one. Adam Sandler fouled in the open floor with nothing to protect, and the scoreboard is about to punish him for it.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The rapper reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Ice Spice rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Adam Sandler watches the crowd file out in silence. Thor prefers not to look. And here is the answer to our game Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! Verna Lou Cottongim of Flat Tire, Arizona, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' The answer was of course nobody knows, because they multiply in the off-season. Verna Lou takes home a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

101-98 (W)

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Ice Spice threw it before the help even committed. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Thor whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Two defenders in the lane, Bronny James splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Snatched his ankles, and Adam Sandler is still checking whether they are attached. Two on the board for the visitors, and Bronny James knows it before the officials even get their hands up.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the rapper, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Screened, toasted, done. Bronny James is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Bronny James passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Bronny James hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Over the top of everybody. Ice Spice to Michael Jordan in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. The defender crowded the middle, and Michael Jordan punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Michael Jordan had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

A single dribble is all Adam Sandler needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the film producer! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

End of the first act. Thor is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Anecdote: Thor fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of a Pickup Truck! To win a bag of forty-two mismatched socks, all for the left foot, text HOOPS to 555-0173 and answer this question: 'What do you call a free throw that goes in after hitting the ceiling?' Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Michael Jordan just did it by hitting Ice Spice on the back side with acres of room. Full stop, full sprint, and the rapper is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Buzzer on the shot clock, Ice Spice heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Lazy feed into the middle, Bronny James read it the whole way, and that possession is over before it started. Winning basketball right there: Adam Sandler knocks the swing pass off course and that offense has to run it back from the top.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Shot clock violation! Michael Jordan owns the nail, the middle is a no fly zone, and that possession just expired in their hands. The entry pass goes in, Adam Sandler beats the big man to it, and this building is already standing up.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The zone is set with Thor anchoring the middle of it and there is NOWHERE to go! The player just blocked a jump shot into the stands and went back on defense like it was a normal Tuesday.

Nine seconds to work with, one play call, and it runs through Michael Jordan. When the game shrinks like this, you go to your guy. The film producer just buried a BUZZER BEATER to win the ballgame, and tomorrow morning he clocks in like none of this ever happened!

Blowing smoke off two fingers like a gunslinger, Adam Sandler holsters them in his waistband. Bronny James plays dead on the baseline. The mascot joins the bit uninvited. A referee has to physically separate a celebration from an inbound play.

Michael Jordan points both hands at the sky. Adam Sandler points at Michael Jordan. Thor points at the exit. And here is the answer to our game Cash Cab of a Pickup Truck! Harlan Spivey of Bent Fender, Montana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What do you call a free throw that goes in after hitting the ceiling?' The answer was of course a blessing, and the whole gym has to be re-blessed. Harlan takes home a bag of forty-two mismatched socks, all for the left foot! I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

101-119 (L)

That is the second personal charged to Thor and the bench is already staring at the clipboard. Foul trouble rewrites a rotation in a hurry. Foul trouble is a chess match and Thor just lost a piece. Three before the break changes how this team defends the pick and roll.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Adam Sandler launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. The defender planted his feet, and Michael Jordan said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jordan builds the whole thing from nothing. No screen, no help, three points.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Right idea, no zip on it, and at this level Michael Jordan either puts some heat on that ball or he keeps it in his hands.

Cut! Halftime. Adam Sandler's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Confession: Adam Sandler believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares Off! To win a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards, text HOOPS to 555-0431 and answer this question: 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.

Laser from Michael Jordan, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Court vision like that on the film producer is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Nobody drew up that arc. The rapper floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Michael Jordan just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Ice Spice half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Rim out for Ice Spice, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The coach saw the contact on Bronny James and absolutely LOST it. One whistle later, that is a T on the sideline.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Cross court, on a rope, from the rapper. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Adam Sandler pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. The film producer tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Michael Jordan kicks it over to Adam Sandler, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Adam Sandler rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Third look from distance for Adam Sandler tonight and the arc keeps flattening out, tired legs writing checks the jumper cannot cash.

The extra pass! Adam Sandler had the look, gave it up anyway, and Bronny James buries it. BANG! Watch the feet on Bronny James there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

HERE IT COMES! Every soul in this gym knows the ball is going to Adam Sandler, and it may not matter one bit. Coach spent a timeout on a play for the rapper and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

Ice Spice climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Adam Sandler refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Adam Sandler pulls his cap down over his eyes. Michael Jordan doesn't have a cap, and it shows. And here is the answer to our game show Hollywood Squares Off! Harlan Prewitt of Muddy Boot, Mississippi, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' The answer was of course that they are showing off for the ceiling. Harlan therefore wins a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards! On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Michael Jordan. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

93-110 (L)

POCKET PASS! Michael Jordan threads it to Ice Spice between two bodies and the rim is wide open! OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the rapper! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Ice Spice hands it off to Thor, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Off the back iron for Ice Spice, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Push the pace! Ice Spice grabs it and hits Bronny James in stride before the defense can even match up. Screened, toasted, done. Bronny James is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. OHHHHH FROM THE LOGO! Bronny James pulls up from another area code and it is PURE!

End of the first act. Ice Spice is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Did you know? Ice Spice has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. And now, our halftime TV game show Shark Tank of Guppies! To win a hand-stitched quilt featuring nine unrecognizable presidents, text HOOPS to 555-0138 and answer this question: 'How many miles per gallon does a zamboni get?' The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.

Kick out to Michael Jordan, one more to Thor, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Pull-up from the elbow by Thor, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

TIMEOUT! The other bench has seen enough of Michael Jordan and they are burning one to stop the bleeding.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

A full spin move through traffic from the rapper! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Ice Spice blows the wide open layup!

Hard drive, hard stop, and Ice Spice retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Ice Spice rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

SKIP PASS! Adam Sandler fires it cross court to Thor and the defense is dead in the water! Michael Jordan just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Thor half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Prayer from Thor. Not answered.

Thor did that, and now the loudest twelve people in this arena are all wearing the same uniform he is. OHHHH, Bronny James just took that thing right out of his hands!

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Ice Spice threw it before the help even committed. Whirl, and GONE! Thor leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Baby hook by Thor, right over that outstretched hand, high off the board, count it.

Thor walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Ice Spice drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game Shark Tank of Guppies! Curtis Boggs of Hog Waller, Florida, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many miles per gallon does a zamboni get?' The answer was of course enough, and it does not care for the question. Curtis takes home a hand-stitched quilt featuring nine unrecognizable presidents! During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

98-122 (L)

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

No roll this time. Ice Spice swings it right back to Thor above the break, and it is PURE. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Thor has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Here comes Adam Sandler sprinting off the elbow. Ice Spice slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Michael Jordan whips the extra pass across the arc, Adam Sandler rises without a dribble, and SPLASH.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Adam Sandler lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Michael Jordan drags Adam Sandler away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

He had a clear runway, he had two steps of daylight, and Adam Sandler took it all away anyway. The film producer just threw an outlet that traveled farther than most people commute. Absurd. Steal, sprint, slam. Bronny James takes the Ice Spice feed and puts it down before anyone gets back.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Halftime. Thor is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Little secret: Thor listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And now, our halftime TV game show Big Brother-in-Law! To win a novelty license plate that spells HOTDOG incorrectly, text HOOPS to 555-0296 and answer this question: 'How many pockets can cargo shorts have before they legally become furniture?' Break's over, the players take their positions.

EIGHT SECONDS! Adam Sandler never gets it across the timeline, and the whistle blows.

Nobody told the film producer that a hot hand expires, and there he is launching from thirty feet with a defender draped all over him. Back to work.

The rapper is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. The help defender committed way too early, and Michael Jordan made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. Oh my. Michael Jordan did not even draw iron.

Somebody explain how the rapper reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Down screen, and Michael Jordan curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. That is a dime from Adam Sandler that deserved so much better, and Michael Jordan knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Ice Spice controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. OHHHH no, Bronny James floats it crosscourt and it gets picked off clean. That thing is going the other way.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The rapper just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? DOUBLE DRIBBLE! Bronny James picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The rapper runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Two points left on the floor by Adam Sandler, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Adam Sandler and Thor share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. And here is the answer to our game Big Brother-in-Law! Peggy Ann Hollifield of Sassafras Gap, South Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many pockets can cargo shorts have before they legally become furniture?' The answer was of course eleven, and at twelve you have to register them with the county. Peggy Ann takes home a novelty license plate that spells HOTDOG incorrectly! I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

87-131 (L)

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Thor reaches, finds nothing but forearm, and the whistle comes right along with it. Five fouls on the player. One more bump and he goes back to being just a guy with a normal job.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Hesitate, GO. Ice Spice is by that hip before the man even blinks. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Ice Spice, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

One hard step and Adam Sandler owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the film producer! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Halftime whistle. Adam Sandler flops into the first available chair. Small detail: Adam Sandler wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! To win a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning, text HOOPS to 555-0129 and answer this question: 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Michael Jordan pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Zero hesitation, zero conscience. Michael Jordan made that closeout look completely pointless.

Laser from Adam Sandler, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Textbook two-man game: Ice Spice keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Michael Jordan rolls into an open runway. Gift wrapped by Bronny James, and Michael Jordan cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Michael Jordan keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Two points left on the floor by Michael Jordan, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Snatched! Ice Spice came out of NOWHERE for that one. Rebound to fast break in one motion, courtesy of the rapper. That is not a hobby, that is a skill set. Get that one framed. Michael Jordan took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Michael Jordan disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Thor is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

Here comes the slip from Adam Sandler, and Ice Spice reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Adam Sandler is walking back with both hands on his head.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The rapper just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Michael Jordan is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Ice Spice gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Thor put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Michael Jordan takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Bronny James doesn't drink. Throat too tight. And here is the answer to our game The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! Homer Blevins of Lost Wallet, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' The answer was of course however the grandmother in row four says it. Homer takes home a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning! I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.