My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

81-126 (L)

Tip goes to the farmer, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Goku just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Frank Castle half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. The soldier just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

The messiah runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Runner in the lane by Goku, high off the fingertips, straight down through the net. Splash!

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Goku stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Coach calls everyone back. Jesus Christ drags his feet toward the tunnel. Locker room anecdote: Jesus Christ talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. And now, our halftime TV game show The Price is Wrong, Bob! To win a velvet painting of a raccoon in a tuxedo, text HOOPS to 555-0187 and answer this question: 'What is the middle name of the man who invented the folding chair?' Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.

The messiah is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Goku sets it and slides out instead of rolling, CaseOh finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. AIRBALL! Goku missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the messiah made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. BRICK! Jesus Christ throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Set called, Frank Castle waved out to the corner, and Jesus Christ watches the spacing open up like a front door. Hard drive, hard stop, and Frank Castle retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Up goes the shot from Frank Castle and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Swing, swing, and Frank Castle finds Charlie Kirk on the wing before the help can even turn its head. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Charlie Kirk gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. That is the shot Frank Castle wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Kick out to Frank Castle, one more to Charlie Kirk, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Charlie Kirk fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Charlie Kirk launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH that is filthy! Frank Castle on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. The ball skips around the perimeter, Jesus Christ finds the open man on the weak side, and CaseOh buries it.

Straight to the logo at center court, CaseOh plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

Whistles. Monitor. And Charlie Kirk standing frozen at midcourt. Brutal for the conspiracy theorist, who owned the shot of a lifetime for about ninety seconds. Back to the day job with nothing but the story.

CaseOh hurls his water bottle at the wall. Goku flinches but doesn't react. And here is the answer to our game The Price is Wrong, Bob! Wendell Frobisher of Gravy Fork, West Virginia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the middle name of the man who invented the folding chair?' The answer was of course Delbert, and the man himself never once sat down. Wendell takes home a velvet painting of a raccoon in a tuxedo! Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

90-134 (L)

The digital transformation consultant just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

SKIP PASS! Charlie Kirk fires it cross court to CaseOh and the defense is dead in the water! CaseOh gives it up to Goku on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Goku hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The conspiracy theorist makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. They do not teach that in the messiah handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Third one of these from CaseOh this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Halftime. The physio pounces on Frank Castle to massage his thighs. Did you know? Frank Castle has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Mailbox! To win a paint-by-numbers kit of a barn, already painted wrong, text HOOPS to 555-0066 and answer this question: 'How many keys are on a high school janitor keyring?' We're back! The players look fired up.

Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Jesus Christ! Nothing but runway to the rim! Goku wanted the contact so badly that he forgot the small detail where your feet have to be planted.

Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to messiah the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and Goku rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

Goku finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Jesus Christ photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

Foul on the three-point shooter, and it is Charlie Kirk. The coach is off the bench with both arms out.

Dagger from Miami Heart-Attack. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The conspiracy theorist just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! CaseOh beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Jesus Christ kicks it over to Frank Castle, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. A soldier breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! No good. Frank Castle rushed that one.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Frank Castle drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Jesus Christ fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Jesus Christ turns the corner off the screen from CaseOh, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, CaseOh goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Goku collapses into the first available chair. Jesus Christ stays standing, eyes glazed over. And here is the answer to our game Are You Smarter Than a Mailbox! Wanda Sue Beezley of Rooster Comb, South Dakota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many keys are on a high school janitor keyring?' The answer was of course forty-one, and three of them open nothing at all. Wanda Sue takes home a paint-by-numbers kit of a barn, already painted wrong! Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

92-128 (L)

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Jesus Christ just did it by hitting Frank Castle on the back side with acres of room. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Frank Castle makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Watch the feet on Charlie Kirk there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

Screened, toasted, done. Frank Castle is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the soldier goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

The too-small gesture, aimed straight at the Orlando Magic-Beans bench, both hands measuring an inch of air. Their coach is out of his chair and onto the officials. Frank Castle keeps the pose, unblinking, backpedaling all the way. The arena hits a decibel level that clips the broadcast mics.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Orlando Magic-Beans, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Jesus Christ gets his, then has to stand and watch the other side's best player walk down and get his right back. Ruthless exchange.

Jesus Christ holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Charlie Kirk flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the conspiracy theorist is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

Charlie Kirk sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Orlando Magic-Beans bench does not find it funny. Goku pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

That's a wrap for now. CaseOh dives into the tunnel. Did you know? CaseOh launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! To win a garden gnome missing both arms, text HOOPS to 555-0712 and answer this question: 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Laser from Charlie Kirk, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The soldier just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Frank Castle put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Charlie Kirk breaks a shell down. That is the third live-ball giveaway of the half, and each one has been the same read: CaseOh deciding late and throwing early.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Orlando Magic-Beans with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Over the top of everybody. Frank Castle to Charlie Kirk in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Court vision like that on the conspiracy theorist is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! CaseOh missed that one with real conviction.

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Goku just gift wrapped three free throws on a heat check.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The digital transformation consultant just blocked a jump shot into the stands and went back on defense like it was a normal Tuesday.

Total control. Jesus Christ has this thing on a string. OHHHH the pin-down! Goku pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Jesus Christ. Brutal. The farmer had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Charlie Kirk presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. CaseOh walks right past without noticing. And here is the answer to our game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! Travis Wayne Trundle of Hardtack, Indiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' The answer was of course the grandmother, by a margin researchers declined to publish. Travis Wayne therefore wins a garden gnome missing both arms! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

86-130 (L)

Court vision like that on the messiah is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Somebody check that job title again: the soldier hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

Ice in the veins: Frank Castle taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Philadelphia Injury-Report, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Somebody explain how the messiah reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Whirl, and GONE! Charlie Kirk leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Oh my. Charlie Kirk did not even draw iron.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Philadelphia Injury-Report in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The zone is set with Frank Castle anchoring the middle of it and there is NOWHERE to go!

Cut! Halftime. CaseOh's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Word is CaseOh sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Ankle! To win a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska, text HOOPS to 555-0212 and answer this question: 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

Somewhere there is a shift with the farmer written on it for tomorrow morning. Tonight he is out here erasing shots.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The drive goes baseline, Goku rotates off the weak side and meets him at the rim with both arms straight up. The shooter saw Goku rising into his eyeline, rushed the release, and caught nothing but the side of the rim.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Charlie Kirk has known that all night long. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! CaseOh whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. A cruel spin-out for the conspiracy theorist, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

A chair knocked flat, an assistant coach holding somebody back by the jersey, that whole row completely unhinged. That is the Goku effect. Four live-ball turnovers now for Jesus Christ, and every single one of them has turned into a bucket.

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! The messiah just drew a shooting foul with a veteran pump fake. Two free throws for somebody who clocks in at a real job tomorrow morning. Look, it happens to everybody at some point. It does not usually happen with a full arena watching Jesus Christ do it in slow motion.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Philadelphia Injury-Report with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

No hero ball here: Frank Castle takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Screen, hesitation, delivery, Jesus Christ drops it off perfectly for Frank Castle diving to the rim. That is a dime from Goku that deserved so much better, and Frank Castle knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Huddle is tight, marker squeaking on the board, and Jesus Christ is already nodding before the coach finishes the sentence. Drawn up in the huddle, executed by the messiah, who clocks in somewhere else on Monday morning. Perfect.

Nobody on the bench is sitting. Not the coaches, not the trainers, not the guy in the suit who never plays. Jesus Christ points at all of them at once with both hands. Towels come down like weather and the officials wait it out with the patience of the doomed.

Jesus Christ whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Charlie Kirk nods without conviction. And here is the answer to our game The Weakest Ankle! Delbert Yoakum of Cold Biscuit, Missouri, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' The answer was of course fifteen, though eleven of those are purely spiritual. Delbert takes home a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska! My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

88-117 (L)

The farmer just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

This is the counter: Jesus Christ punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. That stepback is unguardable once the drive gets sold, and Charlie Kirk has had that defender guessing wrong all night long.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Watch the spacing there, Frank Castle hits CaseOh right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Not an inch to spare on the endline, but CaseOh keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Get that one framed. CaseOh took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when CaseOh lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Charlie Kirk drags CaseOh away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Halftime! Frank Castle looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Did you know? Frank Castle once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. And now, our halftime TV game show Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! To win a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio, text HOOPS to 555-0119 and answer this question: 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Frank Castle threw it before the help even committed. Charlie Kirk attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! The conspiracy theorist lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession.

Clean feed from Charlie Kirk, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Second pass beats the rotation, Goku to Frank Castle, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. So close. Frank Castle can only stare at the iron.

Ball moves. Jesus Christ to CaseOh, on time and on target. They do not teach that in the digital transformation consultant handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Down, up, and gone for Goku. The rim is just toying with him now.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Phoenix No-Defense, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Baseline wide open. Charlie Kirk said thank you. The conspiracy theorist had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Cold blooded from Phoenix No-Defense, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Look how low Frank Castle keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Missed layup for the soldier and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Here comes CaseOh sprinting off the elbow. Jesus Christ slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. The digital transformation consultant just double dribbled in front of a sold-out building. Nobody back at work is ever letting that one go.

Cross court, on a rope, from the soldier. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. That is vision. CaseOh sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Frank Castle nothing.

Charlie Kirk pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. CaseOh takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. And here is the answer to our game Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! Earlene Stubbs of Possum Notch, Tennessee, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' The answer was of course it depends entirely on whether the pool is paying attention. Earlene takes home a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio! Tonight I learned Charlie Kirk used to be a messiah before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

78-122 (L)

CaseOh gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Frank Castle saw it a beat early. SPIN and GO! CaseOh pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! OHHHH the POWER! CaseOh took the hit and finished it anyway!

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. CaseOh holds it three seconds. Jesus Christ applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and CaseOh collects every last one.

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Off the pin-down comes the soldier with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Frank Castle blows the wide open layup!

Every single possession of that stretch goes through the farmer. Whatever the day job pays, it is not enough for this. Whistle. Timeout. CaseOh just broke them in half.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Halftime! Charlie Kirk is limping slightly heading off the court. Rumor has it Charlie Kirk tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". And now, our halftime TV game show Shark Tank of Guppies! To win a hand-stitched quilt featuring nine unrecognizable presidents, text HOOPS to 555-0138 and answer this question: 'How many miles per gallon does a zamboni get?' Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.

The messiah runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Two hands on the ball, then a fresh bounce. Somewhere a youth coach is watching the farmer and quietly turning off the TV.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Jesus Christ threw it before the help even committed. The soldier just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Frank Castle probes to the right, pulls the string, and rises over a helpless closeout from twenty six feet. Splash.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Frank Castle spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Frank Castle drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Los Angeles Nursing-Home again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The extra pass! Frank Castle had the look, gave it up anyway, and Jesus Christ buries it. BANG! Fifth possession this half where Jesus Christ has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

OHHHH, what a read by Frank Castle! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. The crowd has found its chant, and Charlie Kirk is going to be hearing it all night.

Somebody explain how the messiah reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. The digital transformation consultant pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Prayer from CaseOh. Not answered.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Frank Castle has known that all night long. The messiah reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Jesus Christ has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Jesus Christ stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Frank Castle comes back to get him. And here is the answer to our game Shark Tank of Guppies! Curtis Boggs of Hog Waller, Florida, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many miles per gallon does a zamboni get?' The answer was of course enough, and it does not care for the question. Curtis takes home a hand-stitched quilt featuring nine unrecognizable presidents! Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

80-124 (L)

You want basketball IQ? Ask the soldier, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Rough look for the messiah there. In his line of work you get to take that one back, out here it is two points going the other way.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Frank Castle, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed Frank Castle would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

Frank Castle steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

The soldier reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. The soldier gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The soldier just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Buzzer on the shot clock, CaseOh heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Halftime. Goku's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Rumor has it Goku talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. And now, our halftime TV game show Shark Tank of Guppies! To win a hand-stitched quilt featuring nine unrecognizable presidents, text HOOPS to 555-0138 and answer this question: 'How many miles per gallon does a zamboni get?' Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The messiah is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A soldier making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on CaseOh. Cruel.

Jesus Christ walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. One little shoulder dip from CaseOh and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and CaseOh has it on a string tonight.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. CaseOh disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Jesus Christ is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Unselfish basketball. Charlie Kirk passes up a good shot and hands Goku a GREAT one. Perfect drop-off from Charlie Kirk, and Goku answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Feet were down. Goku drove through a brick wall, and the officials agree with the brick wall.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

From WAY downtown off the pop! Jesus Christ with the extra pass and CASH. The soldier launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

The soldier is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. Cold, clinical, and correct. That monitor just took everything from Frank Castle.

Charlie Kirk's eyes are glassy. Goku mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. And here is the answer to our game Shark Tank of Guppies! Curtis Boggs of Hog Waller, Florida, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many miles per gallon does a zamboni get?' The answer was of course enough, and it does not care for the question. Curtis takes home a hand-stitched quilt featuring nine unrecognizable presidents! I learned that Charlie Kirk's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

87-111 (L)

Won it clean! Goku got up and over him with room to spare.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

That is a foot speed problem. CaseOh keeps grabbing instead of sliding, and in this league that gets your coach a miserable night.

Eight-second call against Goku, and the coach is off the bench begging anyone to come set a screen up top.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Halftime! Frank Castle has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Little secret: Frank Castle watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game Winner Gets Nothing! To win a bowling ball with the initials of a total stranger drilled into it, text HOOPS to 555-0698 and answer this question: 'How many rows back can you sit before the players become rumors?' Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

OHHHH Frank Castle is UNCONSCIOUS right now! Four straight possessions, four straight buckets! BANG! Frank Castle steps back, creates the daylight, and buries it right in the defender's eye.

Frank Castle cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. CaseOh joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Charlie Kirk never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the conspiracy theorist, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

A single dribble is all Charlie Kirk needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, Charlie Kirk panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

Right through the window. Jesus Christ to Charlie Kirk on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Nobody expects touch like that from the conspiracy theorist, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Charlie Kirk does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Jesus Christ drops it off to Goku on time and on target. Watch CaseOh plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Goku out of that corner in a blink. The farmer had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Frank Castle makes it every single trip down the floor. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Charlie Kirk punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Jesus Christ rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

That is the kind of giveaway you can only hand over yourself, and Jesus Christ has now done it twice in this quarter alone.

Goku walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. CaseOh drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game show The Dating Game Winner Gets Nothing! Sharlene Boggs of Muleshoe Corner, Ohio, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many rows back can you sit before the players become rumors?' The answer was of course row thirty one, and after that it is basically folklore. Sharlene therefore wins a bowling ball with the initials of a total stranger drilled into it! I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

79-123 (L)

CaseOh controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Houston Blast-Off again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Watch the spacing there, Charlie Kirk hits Frank Castle right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Day job, then this: the soldier reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Charlie Kirk launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Frank Castle launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH the hesi! Goku froze him solid and he is already gone! Frank Castle threads a BEAUTY to Goku under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Halftime whistle. Frank Castle high-fives his teammates on the way out. Bus driver's confession: Frank Castle raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show Foul Line Confessions! To win a hood ornament from a truck that was never built, text HOOPS to 555-1098 and answer this question: 'Why does every gym in the country smell exactly the same?' We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The digital transformation consultant grabbed a full handful of jersey and the crew counted every finger. He does not get away with that at work either. The temperature in this arena just jumped. CaseOh took a dangerous hit, both benches are on their feet, and the officials have peacekeeping to do.

Somebody explain the arc to the conspiracy theorist. He gave away three shots on a prayer, and you can watch the coach age in real time. Charlie Kirk is on a tightrope now, and every single piece of contact from here could be the last one he is allowed.

Textbook stuff: feet set, arms crossed, Charlie Kirk eats the contact and hands us a turnover.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Ball squirts loose off the knee of the messiah. Back to the day job, my friend. Back to the day job.

Hands like that on the soldier? Whatever he does all day, by night he is robbing people blind. The soldier just threw an outlet that traveled farther than most people commute. Absurd. The conspiracy theorist just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

BAAAANG! Jesus Christ sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. Shot clock at one, and CaseOh just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Jesus Christ makes it every single trip down the floor. The digital transformation consultant takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Charlie Kirk whips the extra pass across the arc, CaseOh rises without a dribble, and SPLASH.

CaseOh collapses into the first available chair. Jesus Christ stays standing, eyes glazed over. And here is the answer to our game show Foul Line Confessions! Wendell Crabtree of Lost Mitten, Colorado, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why does every gym in the country smell exactly the same?' The answer was of course floor wax, popcorn, and forty years of accumulated nervousness. Wendell therefore wins a hood ornament from a truck that was never built! Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

76-120 (L)

Goku times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Jesus Christ controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. A full spin move through traffic from the digital transformation consultant! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. The digital transformation consultant just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Jesus Christ already has the defense a full step behind. Two defenders, one gap, and Frank Castle finds it. Onions on that pass. Rising into two defenders, Goku launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Back to the locker room. Goku's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Little secret: Goku has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. And now, our halftime TV game show The Great American Trivia Barn! To win a plastic owl that is supposed to scare pigeons but does not, text HOOPS to 555-1183 and answer this question: 'Which knee does a former player mention first at a class reunion?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

Somebody get the digital transformation consultant a rim protection bonus! Clocks out at five, guarding the paint by seven. This league is a wonderful place.

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The conspiracy theorist just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Full stop, full sprint, and the messiah is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. The messiah gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

No hero ball here: Frank Castle takes what the defense gives and moves it along. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Charlie Kirk gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Charlie Kirk, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The messiah is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Off the pin-down comes the farmer with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Goku is walking back with both hands on his head.

Clean feed from Jesus Christ, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Telegraphed. Frank Castle announced that pass three days in advance and the defense RSVP'd.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the conspiracy theorist, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. The messiah reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Two guys on the exact same page, Jesus Christ and Frank Castle, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Straight through the traffic, straight through the contact. The messiah finishes with a free throw coming and the paint suddenly feels very small.

Jesus Christ pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Back at the shop they have got this review up on every phone with the soldier in the frame, and nobody is getting any work done. The officials come back out, cross their arms, and Frank Castle goes from hero to spectator on one signal.

CaseOh sits on the floor in the hallway. Goku sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. And here is the answer to our game show The Great American Trivia Barn! Garland Shoemaker of Rickety Bridge, New York, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which knee does a former player mention first at a class reunion?' The answer was of course the left one, always, in every county we surveyed. Garland therefore wins a plastic owl that is supposed to scare pigeons but does not! My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

95-123 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! CaseOh rips it out of the air and we are off.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The conspiracy theorist just rotated over and shut the paint down like a shift change. Where does THAT defensive IQ come from? Charlie Kirk goes up with the hands to the ceiling and the shot comes off the front rim. Textbook verticality.

Ball into Charlie Kirk at the elbow, Frank Castle plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Rising up out of the corner, Frank Castle sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Lazy feed into the middle, Charlie Kirk read it the whole way, and that possession is over before it started. NOT A CHANCE! Frank Castle came flying at that pull-up and DELETED it!

Halftime whistle. CaseOh flops into the first available chair. Fun fact: CaseOh tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. And now, our halftime TV game show Last Team Standing Around! To win a chest freezer that only reaches room temperature, text HOOPS to 555-1248 and answer this question: 'How loud is a gym after a buzzer beater on a school night?' The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?

Shot clock violation! CaseOh owns the nail, the middle is a no fly zone, and that possession just expired in their hands. Goku reads the eyes the whole way, gets a mitt on it, and that is OUR basketball now.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Verticality, timing, discipline: Goku never bites on the pump fake and still finds a way to erase the shot. Rebound to fast break in one motion, courtesy of the farmer. That is not a hobby, that is a skill set. That is the kind of finish that changes a defense's body language, and Jesus Christ has already done it twice this quarter.

Hands out, palms up, Jesus Christ shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. Charlie Kirk is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Jesus Christ has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Goku precisely where the play wanted it. Down screen, and Goku curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Not a hand on him. Goku flat missed the bunny.

POCKET PASS! Charlie Kirk threads it to Goku between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Missed layup for the farmer and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel. Jesus Christ SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. Rebounding is effort, and effort is apparently what the messiah does for a living. Second chance points, all guts.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Jesus Christ disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. CaseOh is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

Cross court, on a rope, from the conspiracy theorist. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Jesus Christ eats the contact so Frank Castle can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. A cruel spin-out for the soldier, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The soldier puts a shoulder into the ball handler and pays for it. He spends all day being polite to strangers and now he is hacking people for a living.

Goku chews his nails on the bench. Charlie Kirk stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. And here is the answer to our game show Last Team Standing Around! Deloris Whitmire of Slow Creek Bend, Hawaii, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How loud is a gym after a buzzer beater on a school night?' The answer was of course loud enough to wake a man three counties over, also named Gary. Deloris therefore wins a chest freezer that only reaches room temperature! My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

78-122 (L)

The messiah reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Missed layup for the messiah and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Swing, swing, and Charlie Kirk finds Goku on the wing before the help can even turn its head. The farmer just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. That is a forced shot from the conspiracy theorist that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

Jesus Christ splits the trap, then gives it all back by drifting over the line. A turnover with extra steps.

The messiah is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Off the pin-down comes the conspiracy theorist with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Two points left on the floor by Charlie Kirk, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Halftime! Jesus Christ has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Exclusive info: Jesus Christ is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Winding Down! To win a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it, text HOOPS to 555-0509 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

Jesus Christ stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. The messiah just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Jesus Christ freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Cleveland Twin-Towers coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Jesus Christ threw it before the help even committed. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the soldier made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the soldier is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Charlie Kirk just did it by hitting Frank Castle on the back side with acres of room. Textbook two-man game: Frank Castle keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Goku rolls into an open runway. The farmer gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Laser from Jesus Christ, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Frank Castle did all the dirty work on that one. Pull-up from the elbow by Jesus Christ, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Eyes on the ball, brain somewhere else, and both feet parked in the paint. Goku has to give that one back.

Back at the shop they have got this review up on every phone with the digital transformation consultant in the frame, and nobody is getting any work done. No good! The ball is STILL sitting in the hand of CaseOh when that light comes on. Waved off.

Charlie Kirk's lip is trembling. Frank Castle dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. And here is the answer to our game show Match Game Winding Down! Georgette Blalock of Little Persimmon, North Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' The answer was of course the regret, by about eleven minutes. Georgette therefore wins a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it! I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

85-130 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Goku winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The soldier is in a full blown heat check and the building has stopped pretending this is normal. That is not a hot streak, that is a takeover. Nobody told the soldier that a hot hand expires, and there he is launching from thirty feet with a defender draped all over him. Back to work.

Push the pace! Jesus Christ grabs it and hits CaseOh in stride before the defense can even match up. Here comes the slip from Goku, and CaseOh reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Gift wrapped by CaseOh, and Goku cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

The soldier makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. The messiah just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. From WAY downtown! Jesus Christ launched that one from the parking lot!

Jesus Christ mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Boston Ring-Chasers fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Cut! Halftime. Charlie Kirk's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Little scoop: Charlie Kirk collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. And now, our halftime TV game show Double Dare You! To win a three-pound bag of gas station beef jerky, text HOOPS to 555-0091 and answer this question: 'How many times does a basketball bounce before it forgives you?' Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

One hard step and Charlie Kirk owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Rim out for Charlie Kirk, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Clean feed from Frank Castle, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Charlie Kirk is gone, so Goku earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Getting to his spot and elevating, Charlie Kirk puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

You can teach a lot of things at this level, but not lateral quickness. Goku is doing a fine traffic cone impression.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the messiah, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Lazy one-hander from Frank Castle through the middle of the floor, and the defender did not even have to leave his feet to take it.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The messiah just jumped a passing lane like a ten-year pro and took it the distance. What a league this is! OUTLET! Jesus Christ rips the board and fires it ahead to Frank Castle before anybody gets back! The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Frank Castle.

Frank Castle finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Goku photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

The conspiracy theorist commits the ugliest foul of the night entirely on purpose, and honestly that is the smartest thing anyone has done all quarter.

Jesus Christ has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Frank Castle has aged ten years in forty minutes. And here is the answer to our game Double Dare You! Opal Sisk of Nickel Plate, Colorado, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many times does a basketball bounce before it forgives you?' The answer was of course six, and the seventh is only out of politeness. Opal takes home a three-pound bag of gas station beef jerky! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

78-122 (L)

The referee tosses it high and CaseOh rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The messiah pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Straight back to the office for the messiah, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The beauty of it is that Jesus Christ never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Not a hand on him. CaseOh flat missed the bunny.

Heading in. Goku's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Small detail: Goku wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. And now, our halftime TV game show Backyard Survivor: Aisle Nine! To win a riding mower that will only turn left, text HOOPS to 555-0384 and answer this question: 'How many raccoons live at an average county fairgrounds?' Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.

Charlie Kirk comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! The conspiracy theorist just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

Chest bump so violent that Charlie Kirk and Jesus Christ both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The digital transformation consultant got moved off the block like a folding chair. That is a grown man's job down there.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the messiah, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. STOP AND GO! Charlie Kirk hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. The conspiracy theorist hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

They drew this up in the timeout: get it to Charlie Kirk and let the other four stand there and enjoy the show. That is a charge on Charlie Kirk, and you can hear the groan roll around every level of this building.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Laser from Jesus Christ, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A soldier making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Prayer from Jesus Christ. Not answered.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Frank Castle makes it every single trip down the floor. The messiah runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Kick out to Frank Castle, one more to Jesus Christ, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. OHHHH that is SILKY! Jesus Christ with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

Jesus Christ throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Charlie Kirk grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

Take the foul, live with whatever happens at the line. Jesus Christ clamps down on the ball handler and the whistle does the rest.

Jesus Christ whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Goku nods without conviction. And here is the answer to our game Backyard Survivor: Aisle Nine! Roberta Klump of Pumpkin Center, Utah, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many raccoons live at an average county fairgrounds?' The answer was of course six during the day and considerably more after dark. Roberta takes home a riding mower that will only turn left! I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

80-125 (L)

Somebody explain how the messiah reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A soldier making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. The conspiracy theorist just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Jesus Christ takes two dribbles past halfcourt, rises from thirty five feet, and the net barely moves. Filthy.

Jesus Christ does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Charlie Kirk that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Here is what makes a defense elite: Goku does not just block shots, he deletes the whole idea of driving on this team.

The crossover comes, CaseOh bites hard, and the lane opens up like the front door was left unlocked.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Dribble handoff from Jesus Christ, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! The conspiracy theorist just double dribbled in front of a sold-out building. Nobody back at work is ever letting that one go.

Rest time. CaseOh isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Small detail: CaseOh whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. And now, our halftime TV game show Double Dare You! To win a three-pound bag of gas station beef jerky, text HOOPS to 555-0091 and answer this question: 'How many times does a basketball bounce before it forgives you?' Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Jesus Christ kicks it over to Goku, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Goku slips it to Jesus Christ right in the pocket. Surgical. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Jesus Christ!

Personal foul on the farmer. Somewhere a shift is going uncovered and not one soul in this arena cares. You can watch the math happen on that sideline: Goku has four, there are big minutes left, and somebody has to hold the fort.

OHHHH the separation! Jesus Christ just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Straight back to the office for the messiah, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Cross court, on a rope, from the messiah. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Frank Castle drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Jesus Christ has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

They are burning a timeout on the digital transformation consultant! Somewhere in that huddle a whiteboard is getting erased in a real hurry.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Swing, swing, and Jesus Christ finds CaseOh on the wing before the help can even turn its head. OHHHH that is filthy! CaseOh on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. OHHHH, what a read by Jesus Christ! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. The soldier just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

Frank Castle walks head down toward the tunnel. Jesus Christ drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. And here is the answer to our game Double Dare You! Opal Sisk of Nickel Plate, Colorado, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many times does a basketball bounce before it forgives you?' The answer was of course six, and the seventh is only out of politeness. Opal takes home a three-pound bag of gas station beef jerky! During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'