My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. LeBron James. Standing at 206 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. The chef's surprise of the evening is Grover Cleveland. A statesperson by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the political storm with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. Mid-pack budget. The team of guys who punch the clock, don't complain, cash a decent paycheck, and go home without making headlines. It's not sexy, but it works. The GM is a damn wizard at finding role players at 3 million who play like they're worth 15, and the coach squeezes every drop out of this roster. The problem? One major injury and the whole house of cards collapses.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
76-120 (L)
Opening possession for Grover Cleveland! First touch, like first touch of their diplomatic pouch!
Abraham Lincoln launches and misses! The rock isn't the stubborn soil, and it shows!
Julio Rodríguez botches the handoff! Even the baseball glove exchanges go smoother!
Julio Rodríguez fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a baseball player chasing the fastball!
Adam Sandler storms to the bench! Heated! This film producer doesn't handle losing well!
Heading in. Julio Rodríguez's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Exclusive: Julio Rodríguez was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
The rim rejects Julio Rodríguez! The rim says no! Even a baseball player gets rejected sometimes!
Abraham Lincoln bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a farmer after the seed dibber overtime!
Abraham Lincoln spins carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
LeBron James, this basketball god, barks at the teammate! Ego the size of Texas taking over!
Abraham Lincoln leaves the palace of hoops quietly! Quiet as a farmer after the stubborn soil setback!
LeBron James sits on the floor in the hallway. Julio Rodríguez sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Julio Rodríguez. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
93-104 (L)
Adam Sandler steps onto the floor! From greenlighting the risky picture to this, game time!
LeBron James forces a bad half-court heave! This undisputed superstar needs to trust teammates!
Julio Rodríguez, this swiss-army-knife type, steps out of bounds with the Wilson! Mental lapse!
Julio Rodríguez, this combo guard, fouls unnecessarily at the top of the key! Lack of consistency!
Julio Rodríguez catches and shoots,a fadeaway jumper! Quick hands from pitching the fastball!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Adam Sandler asks for an ice pack. Intel: Adam Sandler asked Miami Heart-Attack for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Grover Cleveland is visibly upset! Upset as a statesperson when the political storm goes sideways!
Off the mark for Grover Cleveland! Great statesperson, not so great at basketball tonight!
Julio Rodríguez exploits the soft spot in half court! Soft as the fastball under the baseball glove!
Grover Cleveland needs oxygen! More winded than a statesperson after overtime!
Abraham Lincoln walks off in defeat! Even a farmer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Grover Cleveland's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Julio Rodríguez breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. I learned that Grover Cleveland's father was a film producer. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
92-116 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger Adam Sandler catches the orange early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Abraham Lincoln can't buy a bucket! Another miss on the low block! Frustrating!
Abraham Lincoln trips up in the corner! A farmer never trips at work... Right?
Abraham Lincoln gets burned on the drive! Limited stamina in lateral movement!
A buzzer-beater! LeBron James cannot be stopped tonight! This household name is locked in!
Halftime. Abraham Lincoln wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Did you know? Abraham Lincoln has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Adam Sandler, this once-in-a-lifetime player, with the frustrated foul! Ego the size of Texas in tough moments!
Julio Rodríguez crosses over but the shot rims out! Shaky emotions under pressure rears its ugly head!
Adam Sandler schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true film producer!
Grover Cleveland gulps water! As thirsty as a statesperson reaching for the political storm!
Grover Cleveland refuses to make excuses! A statesperson owns the political storm failures too!
Grover Cleveland and Adam Sandler share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Tonight I had a revelation: Adam Sandler runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
76-120 (L)
LeBron James, this undisputed superstar, embraces the Finals-like atmosphere! Game on!
Abraham Lincoln misses the open look! This living legend can't believe it! Heavy feet!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the left corner!
Adam Sandler beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the risky picture slipping from a film producer!
This generational talent Abraham Lincoln throws an elbow in frustration! Injury-prone body on full display!
Break. LeBron James collapses next to the vending machine. Small detail: LeBron James wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Julio Rodríguez misses! Even a baseball player can't fix that shot!
Adam Sandler is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a film producer would call it quits!
Julio Rodríguez dunks the orange right to the defense! Costly mistake by this rising star!
Adam Sandler, this little guy, shows negative body language! Shaky emotions under pressure creeping in!
Grover Cleveland, this franchise cornerstone, takes the loss hard. Tendency to rush at the wrong moments.
LeBron James's gaze is cold, distant. Adam Sandler's gaze is hot, angry. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
85-129 (L)
Julio Rodríguez opens with a deep three! This total unknown making an early statement!
Grover Cleveland, this combo guard, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Lack of consistency!
LeBron James with the backcourt violation! This hall-of-fame lock under too much pressure!
Grover Cleveland, this combo guard, can't keep up with the speed! Hot head exposed!
LeBron James, this titan, throws the hands up! Exasperated in transition!
End of the first act. Adam Sandler is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Little scoop: Adam Sandler tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
This rising star Julio Rodríguez short-arms a layup at half court! Not enough lift!
Adam Sandler struggles in the extra period! The film producer hitting the wall with the risky picture!
Julio Rodríguez with the lazy pass! Ego the size of Texas leading to easy points!
This generational talent Grover Cleveland hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at the buzzer!
Grover Cleveland wipes a tear! A statesperson who poured everything into the effort!
Abraham Lincoln walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Grover Cleveland drags one foot after the other. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Abraham Lincoln's name. Forgive me. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
97-125 (L)
This all-time great LeBron James gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Abraham Lincoln forces a sky hook at half court! This generational talent trying too hard!
LeBron James, this mammoth, commits the travel! Tendency to rush in the footwork!
This basketball god Adam Sandler misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Grover Cleveland lays it in softly! Touch softer than a statesperson's hands on the job!
Halftime. Julio Rodríguez's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Rumor has it Julio Rodríguez talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Abraham Lincoln throws their hands up! Like a farmer when the seed dibber breaks!
Abraham Lincoln can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the orange differently than the stubborn soil!
Adam Sandler goes to the post! That film producer strength is showing!
Grover Cleveland, this combo guard, looks exhausted from the left corner! The legs are gone!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this undisputed superstar wanted.
Adam Sandler punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Abraham Lincoln slides down the wall to the floor. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
90-130 (L)
Grover Cleveland checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Abraham Lincoln, this combo guard, wastes a golden chance with a wild step-back three!
LeBron James coughs up the rock! Shaky emotions under pressure strikes again at half court!
Adam Sandler scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Injury-prone body!
Julio Rodríguez slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a baseball player hits the workbench!
Halftime! Adam Sandler walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Confession: Adam Sandler calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
LeBron James with a wild attempt! This living legend not finding the range tonight!
Grover Cleveland is visibly tired! This guy with rings on every finger needs a timeout badly!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James with turnover number points! Shaky emotions under pressure is piling up!
Grover Cleveland explodes and kicks the stanchion! This certified GOAT candidate losing composure!
This all-time great Grover Cleveland leaves the arena with head held high. Fought to the end.
Adam Sandler has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Julio Rodríguez has aged ten years in forty minutes. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
100-107 (L)
Abraham Lincoln locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a farmer who means business!
Adam Sandler misses the bunny! A film producer dropping the risky picture from point-blank!
This all-time great Grover Cleveland forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Adam Sandler gambles for the steal and pays the price! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Abraham Lincoln drills it from mid-range! That farmer precision with the seed dibber pays off!
Break! Abraham Lincoln heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Exclusive info: Abraham Lincoln is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Abraham Lincoln gets a technical for complaining! Lack of consistency on full display!
Julio Rodríguez, this newcomer, pulls the trigger along the baseline but no luck!
Grover Cleveland reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this statesperson!
This first-ballot legend Grover Cleveland can't close out! The legs are shot from the left corner!
Abraham Lincoln leaves the arena with dignity! The dignity of a farmer with the seed dibber!
Grover Cleveland sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. LeBron James puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. I learned backstage that LeBron James also does film producer on weekends. That explains those reflexes. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
102-110 (L)
The game begins and Grover Cleveland is ready! You can see eyes in the back of the head written all over his face!
Abraham Lincoln air-mails a two-handed slam along the baseline! Way off for this absolute legend!
Grover Cleveland pulls up into a dead end on the low block! Turnover! Ego the size of Texas!
Grover Cleveland can't contain the drive! Navigating the political storm is more containable!
Julio Rodríguez scores again! When you're a baseball player by trade, the basketball is child's play!
Break! Adam Sandler takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Confession: Adam Sandler calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
This household name Grover Cleveland can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Adam Sandler can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this absolute legend!
Adam Sandler counters the press! Problem solved, film producer style!
This all-time great Adam Sandler has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
This who-is-this-guy player Julio Rodríguez shakes hands and moves on. In the end, sometimes predictable game proved costly.
Adam Sandler's lip is trembling. Julio Rodríguez dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
80-121 (L)
The palace of hoops welcomes Julio Rodríguez! The baseball player with the fastball has arrived!
A fadeaway jumper from Adam Sandler hits the iron! Injury-prone body under the spotlight!
Julio Rodríguez with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost baseball player!
Adam Sandler overcommits and gets beat! Tendency to force bad shots when reading the play!
Julio Rodríguez pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The baseball player in them is showing!
Break. Grover Cleveland's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Word is Grover Cleveland sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Julio Rodríguez can't convert the open shot! Pitching the fastball is way easier!
LeBron James, this global icon, is dragging! The 4 periods of 12 minutes minutes taking their toll!
Abraham Lincoln with the careless pass! Cultivating the stubborn soil with more care, please!
Julio Rodríguez tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the baseball player will bounce back!
Despite the loss, Julio Rodríguez held their own with the fastball! The baseball player fought!
Adam Sandler watches the crowd file out in silence. Julio Rodríguez prefers not to look. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
89-129 (L)
Adam Sandler, this living legend, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
This undisputed superstar Adam Sandler rattles it out! So close yet so far at the top of the key!
Grover Cleveland gets picked! A statesperson getting the political storm stolen in broad daylight!
Julio Rodríguez, this versatile guy, lets the shooter get free from the right corner! Costly lapse!
LeBron James slams the Wilson in frustration! Hot head on full display!
Break. Adam Sandler collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Fun fact: Adam Sandler is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Adam Sandler rushes a fadeaway jumper off the pick and roll! Occasional mental lapses creeping in!
Adam Sandler is cramping up! This living legend trying to shake it off! Shaky emotions under pressure!
This absolute legend LeBron James commits the 5-second violation! Clock management injury-prone body!
Adam Sandler storms to the bench! This franchise cornerstone is visibly upset!
Adam Sandler consoles teammates! The heart of a film producer in that moment!
LeBron James snaps at the bench on his way out. Adam Sandler says nothing, but his look says everything. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
78-123 (L)
Adam Sandler begins their shift on the hardwood! A film producer starting the their loaded checkbook shift!
LeBron James gets a clean look but shaky emotions under pressure costs the bucket!
Grover Cleveland, this combo guard, gets stripped under the basket! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
Adam Sandler turns the head and loses the man! This basketball god napping defensively!
Grover Cleveland can't hide the frustration! Their diplomatic pouch frustration meets the rock frustration!
Halftime whistle. LeBron James flops into the first available chair. Intel: LeBron James asked Cleveland Twin-Towers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
A thunderous slam by LeBron James off the pick and roll is way off! Tough night for this basketball god!
Grover Cleveland stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a statesperson over the political storm!
Abraham Lincoln tries to be too fancy and loses the ball! Limited stamina in the decision-making!
This diamond in the rough Julio Rodríguez slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Adam Sandler walks off in silence. This basketball god gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Adam Sandler mutters 'damn' under his breath. Julio Rodríguez says 'yeah' in the same tone. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
82-126 (L)
Grover Cleveland looks dialed in from the start! Pure God-given talent preparation showing!
Grover Cleveland throws up a clunker! Their diplomatic pouch would weep at that trajectory!
Julio Rodríguez with the backcourt violation! A baseball player going backwards with the fastball!
Julio Rodríguez loses their assignment! Like losing the baseball glove in the workshop!
Adam Sandler argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to greenlighting the risky picture!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Grover Cleveland walks head down toward the tunnel. The staff told me Grover Cleveland sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
This potential GOAT LeBron James shanks a devastating dunk in transition! That's uncharacteristic!
Abraham Lincoln takes the rest play! Even a farmer needs a breather!
LeBron James charges right into the defender! Turnover! Limited stamina when controlling pace!
Grover Cleveland mouths off at after a timeout! A statesperson venting about the political storm!
Julio Rodríguez tips the cap to the winners! The baseball player's grace with the fastball!
Grover Cleveland refuses the coach's embrace. LeBron James accepts it but his body is stiff. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
77-121 (L)
Abraham Lincoln wins the opening tip! Tipping off with farmer energy!
LeBron James, this big fella, bobbles the ball and the chance evaporates along the baseline!
Julio Rodríguez coughs it up! A baseball player's grip doesn't work on the pill!
Adam Sandler watches them score! Just watching, like watching their loaded checkbook gather dust!
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
The players disappear. Abraham Lincoln has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Physio's confession: Abraham Lincoln purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Grover Cleveland misses on the inbound pass! A statesperson dropping the political storm at the worst time!
Julio Rodríguez is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure baseball player stubbornness!
LeBron James, this absolute unit, gets the ball poked away! Hot head when protecting the leather!
Grover Cleveland drops the head after another miss! Injury-prone body sapping the confidence!
Julio Rodríguez shakes hands through the pain! A baseball player who respects the baseball glove and the game!
Grover Cleveland lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Adam Sandler decides not to comment. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-128 (L)
Grover Cleveland stretches center court! Loosening up, the statesperson is getting ready!
Adam Sandler attacks the Spalding into the front rim! That's frustrating for this household name!
Stolen from Adam Sandler! A film producer who let it slip through their fingers!
Julio Rodríguez gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the fastball behind the baseball glove!
Grover Cleveland glares at the Spalding! Like it personally betrayed this statesperson!
The players disappear. Julio Rodríguez has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. I've been told Julio Rodríguez always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Grover Cleveland misfires from mid-range! Even this basketball god has off nights!
Adam Sandler tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a film producer's energy for the risky picture!
This rising star Julio Rodríguez with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Grover Cleveland drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a statesperson's spirit has limits!
LeBron James, this certified GOAT candidate, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Julio Rodríguez is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. LeBron James waits at the tunnel entrance. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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