My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for LeBron James! Picture this: standing at 206 cm, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Caravaggio. The man is a painter. A freaking painter. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their palette knife and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. Budget-wise, they're playing by the rules. Barely. It's clean, but it's tight. You've got one modest star, two or three decent role players, and after that... It's a black hole on the bench. They're trying to build smart without going broke, but every time a player asks for a raise, they start sweating. This is the definition of a "middle of the pack" squad.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
82-126 (L)
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, is introduced and the arena explodes! This first-ballot legend is in the building!
Dwyane Wade, this smooth operator, loses the handle and the opportunity! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Luka Modrić coughs up the pill! Heavy feet strikes again from mid-range!
Luka Modrić loses the screen battle! Tendency to force bad shots around the picks!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Luka Modrić throws an elbow in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!
Time to breathe. Luka Modrić has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. I've been told Luka Modrić once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Caravaggio can't hit from beyond the arc! That zone is cursed for this painter!
Dwyane Wade, this tweener, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Luka Modrić coughs it up! An association football player's grip doesn't work on the orange!
Mbappe tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the association football player will bounce back!
Caravaggio shakes hands through the pain! A painter who respects their palette knife and the game!
Mbappe taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Luka Modrić walks through the door without pushing it. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
95-111 (L)
LeBron James launches onto the floor! The crowd roars for this first-ballot legend!
Dwyane Wade rises up the basketball into nothing! Ego the size of Texas on full display tonight!
Luka Modrić loses the pill! An association football player would never be this careless!
Mbappe loses their assignment! Like losing their football boots in the workshop!
Luka Modrić blows past past everyone for a devastating dunk! This pint-sized baller on a mission!
Halftime. Dwyane Wade is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Staff confession: Dwyane Wade is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Luka Modrić mouths off and picks up a T! Limited stamina taking over!
Caravaggio forces a bad alley-oop! This certified GOAT candidate needs to trust teammates!
Mbappe sets the screen at the perfect angle! This established player cerebral play!
This established star Dwyane Wade can't close out! The legs are shot at half court!
LeBron James, this absolute unit, trudges off the venue. Lessons to take from this one.
Dwyane Wade turns back to look at the court one last time. Mbappe doesn't turn around. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
90-105 (L)
This world-class player Dwyane Wade catches the rock early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
LeBron James crosses over and fires but misses everything! Ego the size of Texas tonight!
Stolen from Caravaggio! A painter who let it slip through their fingers!
Dwyane Wade, this swiss-army-knife type, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over occasional mental lapses!
A layup! LeBron James cannot be stopped tonight! This once-in-a-lifetime player is locked in!
Rest. Luka Modrić buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. They say Luka Modrić eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
LeBron James, this oversized freak, sits down hard on the bench! Heavy feet written all over his face!
Luka Modrić misses from the corner! In the paint is no place for their football boots!
LeBron James drives into the right spacing! Freakish explosiveness and elite court awareness!
Caravaggio finds a second wind! The painter engine roars back to life!
Caravaggio gave it everything! Everything a painter has, left on the court!
Mbappe's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Dwyane Wade hides his eyes under a towel. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
94-112 (L)
Caravaggio gets the starting nod! A painter starting with their palette knife confidence!
Caravaggio shanks it from the paint! Renderring the canvas uses different muscles!
LeBron James with the lazy pass! Hot head leading to easy points!
Mbappe gets blown by! Even an association football player couldn't stop that!
This franchise guy Dwyane Wade with a picture-perfect devastating dunk! The crowd goes wild!
Halftime! Caravaggio has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Anecdote: Caravaggio threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Mbappe, this little thunder, pounds the scorer's table! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
A fadeaway jumper by Dwyane Wade from the right corner is way off! Tough night for this elite player!
Mbappe finds the angle! The angle association football player uses for the winning goal!
Luka Modrić tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like an association football player's energy for the winning goal!
This living legend Luka Modrić congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this living legend.
Luka Modrić sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. LeBron James puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
96-104 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Dwyane Wade, this headliner, pulls the trigger from mid-range but no luck!
Dwyane Wade, this combo guard, gets the ball poked away! Injury-prone body when protecting the rock!
Dwyane Wade, this swiss-army-knife type, lets the shooter get free at the buzzer! Costly lapse!
Mbappe, this little guy, uses strength and skill for a sky hook! Complete player!
Halftime! Mbappe checks his stats on the board and winces. Fun fact: Mbappe was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Luka Modrić dribbles away from the huddle! This global icon in a dark place mentally!
A thunderous slam from LeBron James catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
LeBron James crosses over to the right spot! Next-level basketball IQ off-ball movement!
Caravaggio mops their face! Sweating more than when renderring the canvas!
Luka Modrić leaves the gym with dignity! The dignity of an association football player with their football boots!
Caravaggio lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Mbappe holds his in. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
93-108 (L)
LeBron James, this undisputed superstar, embraces the sold-out gym on fire! Game on!
This respected competitor Mbappe misses the mark! A buzzer-beater goes begging at the buzzer!
Caravaggio passes to nobody! This franchise cornerstone with a head-scratching decision!
Caravaggio, this do-it-all player, gets exploited in the switch! Heavy feet exposed in the mismatch!
Dwyane Wade, this max-contract guy, operates at the top of the key with a reverse layup! Clinic!
Halftime whistle. Caravaggio high-fives his teammates on the way out. Anecdote: Caravaggio fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Luka Modrić buries their face! Hidden from view, the association football player can't watch!
Caravaggio shoots an air ball in a cathedral silence! A painter lost in the noise!
Caravaggio calls the audible! Adapting on the fly, that's painter mentality!
Dwyane Wade short-arms the shot from fatigue! This world-class player has nothing left!
Luka Modrić packs up and heads out! Packing their football boots, unpacking emotions!
Dwyane Wade sits on the floor in the hallway. LeBron James sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
95-129 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger Luka Modrić opens the scoring! A pull-up jumper! Early advantage!
Luka Modrić rattles it out! Shaking the arena with their football boots intensity!
Dwyane Wade, this smooth operator, gets called for the carry! Heavy feet in ball-handling!
Luka Modrić gives up the back door! Tendency to force bad shots when overplaying!
This global icon LeBron James hangs the head after the miss! Deflated along the baseline!
Halftime! Mbappe is limping slightly heading off the court. Rumor has it Mbappe talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Luka Modrić with the off-balance free throw! This generational talent couldn't set the feet!
Caravaggio cramps up! Muscles tight from their palette knife and the pill double duty!
Mbappe trips up in the baseline! An association football player never trips at work... Right?
Mbappe, this little firecracker, shows negative body language! Hot head creeping in!
LeBron James had the chances but couldn't convert. This certified GOAT candidate left wanting.
Luka Modrić and LeBron James walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
92-102 (L)
Dwyane Wade opens with a pull-up jumper! This world-class player making an early statement!
Luka Modrić misses the layup! Even the winning goal would have gone in easier!
Mbappe throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the association football player got too confident!
Dwyane Wade falls asleep on the weak side! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
Luka Modrić with the tough pull-up jumper through contact! This living legend won't be denied!
Halftime whistle! Luka Modrić slides down against the hallway wall. Exclusive: Luka Modrić was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Dwyane Wade, this franchise guy, yells at the coaching staff! Heavy feet causing friction!
Luka Modrić fires a brick driving to the hoop! Way off, even for an association football player!
Dwyane Wade slows the pace when the team needs it! This elite player tempo control!
Luka Modrić, this small but mighty player, with tired legs driving to the hoop! Lack of consistency slowing this guy with rings on every finger down!
Caravaggio tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we renders better, like the canvas!'
Luka Modrić has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Mbappe has aged ten years in forty minutes. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
94-124 (L)
Dwyane Wade explodes with energy from the opening whistle! This multi-time All-Star locked in!
Luka Modrić dishes the ball right into the defender's hands! Sometimes predictable game!
Intercepted! Caravaggio's pass snatched right out of the air! A painter would never be that careless!
LeBron James gets caught flat-footed! This generational talent beaten to the spot!
Caravaggio pops the jumper! Clean as their palette knife after a polish!
Halftime. Caravaggio wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Rumor has it Caravaggio tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Break's over, the players take their positions.
Mbappe argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to scoring the winning goal!
A sky hook from Caravaggio goes in and out! Heartbreaking from mid-range!
Dwyane Wade, this all-around player, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Dwyane Wade is visibly tired! This world-class player needs a timeout badly!
This hall-of-fame lock Caravaggio shakes hands and moves on. In the end, shaky emotions under pressure proved costly.
Caravaggio's eyes are glassy. LeBron James mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Tonight I had a revelation: LeBron James runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
84-129 (L)
Caravaggio checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
LeBron James, this franchise cornerstone, sends the damn ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
This All-Star caliber talent Dwyane Wade gets pickpocketed off the pick and roll! Sloppy handling!
This absolute legend LeBron James commits the and-one foul! Lack of consistency in positioning!
LeBron James slams the basketball in frustration! Injury-prone body on full display!
That's a wrap for now. LeBron James dives into the tunnel. Confession: LeBron James tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Caravaggio can't convert! The painter's touch with the canvas deserted them!
LeBron James asks for the ball to slow the pace! This basketball god needs air!
Caravaggio, this smooth operator, fumbles the entry pass off the pick and roll!
Dwyane Wade, this top-tier talent, barks at the teammate! Ego the size of Texas taking over!
This big-name player Dwyane Wade leaves the field house with head held high. Fought to the end.
Luka Modrić slams his fist on the bench. Mbappe places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
89-113 (L)
Tip-off! Dwyane Wade gets us started! Let's go!
Luka Modrić whiffs on the jumper! An association football player off their game with their football boots!
Dwyane Wade, this combo guard, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at the buzzer!
Caravaggio beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the canvas slipping from a painter!
Caravaggio muscles through for a pull-up jumper! The strength of a painter moving the canvas!
Heading in. Mbappe's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. The staff told me Mbappe sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Luka Modrić storms to the bench! Heated! This association football player doesn't handle losing well!
Luka Modrić rushes a pull-up jumper from way beyond the arc! Tendency to rush creeping in!
Caravaggio draws the double team! Attracting attention, the painter is a magnet out there!
Mbappe grimaces through the effort! The grimace of an association football player finishing the winning goal!
Mbappe fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the association football player gave everything!
Caravaggio isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Luka Modrić tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
77-118 (L)
LeBron James, this beanpole, announced to huge cheers! A Finals-like atmosphere!
LeBron James with a rough floater facing the rim! Heavy feet at the worst time!
Caravaggio with the errant pass! This potential GOAT needs to settle down!
Mbappe can't stay in front! Scoring the winning goal doesn't build lateral quickness!
Caravaggio drops the head after another miss! Limited stamina sapping the confidence!
The players file out. LeBron James exchanges a tense look with the coach. I've been told LeBron James once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Air ball from Mbappe! Being an association football player doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
This certified GOAT candidate Luka Modrić can barely jump! The springs are gone from mid-range!
Caravaggio, this tweener, steps out of bounds with the ball! Mental lapse!
Caravaggio pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The painter in them is showing!
Luka Modrić, this household name, takes the loss hard. Lack of consistency at the wrong moments.
Luka Modrić's eyes are glassy. Caravaggio mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-125 (L)
This next-level player Mbappe means business! Fast start at the buzzer!
A buzzer beater from LeBron James hits the iron! Injury-prone body under the spotlight!
This headliner Dwyane Wade dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Luka Modrić beaten to the spot! Slower than an association football player on a Monday morning!
Luka Modrić picks up the second technical! This franchise cornerstone ejected! Ego the size of Texas!
Halftime. Caravaggio's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. The staff told me Caravaggio sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Luka Modrić heaves and misses! Should have heaved the winning goal instead!
This all-time great LeBron James signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Heavy feet!
LeBron James, this tree of a man, gets stripped under the basket! Hot head exposed!
Caravaggio drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a painter's spirit has limits!
Luka Modrić walks off in defeat! Even an association football player's skills couldn't save tonight!
Luka Modrić walks in slow motion, arms dangling. LeBron James speeds up. Wants it to be over. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
79-120 (L)
Dwyane Wade takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
An alley-oop attempt by Dwyane Wade falls short! Hot head in the legs!
Luka Modrić attacks into a dead end in transition! Turnover! Ego the size of Texas!
LeBron James gets burned on the drive! Occasional mental lapses in lateral movement!
Mbappe, this next-level player, with the frustrated foul! Injury-prone body in tough moments!
The players head to the locker room. Mbappe is sweating like a racehorse. The staff told me Mbappe sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
This household name Luka Modrić rattles it out! So close yet so far from downtown!
Mbappe digs deep! Deep as an association football player digs into the winning goal!
Dwyane Wade with a wild pass that sails out! This jersey-selling name giving it away!
Luka Modrić can't mask the disappointment! This certified GOAT candidate wearing it on the sleeve!
Caravaggio sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a painter after their palette knife broke!
Dwyane Wade bites the inside of his cheek. LeBron James pinches the bridge of his nose. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
92-122 (L)
This undisputed superstar LeBron James comes out firing! An off-balance shot in the first minute!
Mbappe denied by the basket! Even an association football player can't pry it open!
Mbappe botches the handoff! Even their football boots exchanges go smoother!
Luka Modrić gets posted up and scored on! This generational talent overpowered!
LeBron James, this tower, showcases a gym-rat work ethic with a gorgeous bucket!
Halftime! LeBron James looks in the mirror and shakes his head. True story: LeBron James walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Awkward. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Caravaggio pulls up the towel! This all-time great showing tendency to rush!
Caravaggio gets a clean look but shaky emotions under pressure costs the bucket!
This multi-time All-Star Dwyane Wade sets the back screen! Eyes in the back of the head off-ball contribution!
Caravaggio calls for the sub! Even a painter's stamina with their palette knife has limits!
Dwyane Wade sits alone on the bench. This elite player processing the defeat.
LeBron James walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Dwyane Wade speeds up. Wants it to be over. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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