My dream soccer team — football_team 🇨🇦

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Mikel Oyarzabal's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from Roony Bardghji! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Mikel Oyarzabal climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Roony Bardghji films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Gonzalo Montiel intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Alphonso Davies put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Cristian Romero jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Vozinha parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Cristian Romero launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Marcos Senesi throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Marcos Senesi to Alphonso Davies, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Alphonso Davies sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Alphonso Davies fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Leandro Paredes throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Leandro Paredes, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Vozinha sparks the transition with a quick throw to Alphonso Davies, the break is lightning fast. Alphonso Davies launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Alphonso Davies was flying. Lightning overlap from Alphonso Davies, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Alphonso Davies, Roony Bardghji receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Vozinha palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Vozinha has covered seven kilometres already." Leandro Paredes shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Vozinha fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Vozinha is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 189, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Vozinha comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Igor Thiago goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Vozinha parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Gonzalo Montiel clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Sidny Lopes Cabral with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Sidny Lopes Cabral to Mikel Oyarzabal, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Vozinha getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Cristian Romero wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Marcos Senesi. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Cristian Romero links up with Igor Thiago, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Leandro Paredes is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Sidny Lopes Cabral clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Cristian Romero! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Alphonso Davies curls a cross to the near post, Sidny Lopes Cabral is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Vozinha slides on his knees across the wet turf, Marcos Senesi piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Leandro Paredes winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Leandro Paredes does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Roony Bardghji launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Vozinha arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Alphonso Davies sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Alphonso Davies dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Sidny Lopes Cabral arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Sidny Lopes Cabral places his header from the cross by Mikel Oyarzabal, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Gonzalo Montiel sends an aerial beauty to Roony Bardghji, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Igor Thiago, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Roony Bardghji is there to gobble it up. Roony Bardghji drifts just offside as Igor Thiago plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Cristian Romero to Gonzalo Montiel, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Leandro Paredes threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Roony Bardghji bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from Roony Bardghji! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Roony Bardghji takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Sidny Lopes Cabral is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Marcos Senesi, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Marcos Senesi adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 29, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Igor Thiago jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Sidny Lopes Cabral, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Sidny Lopes Cabral, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from Gavi to Sidny Lopes Cabral, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Sidny Lopes Cabral, Roony Bardghji receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO Roony Bardghji! The goal was empty, Cristian Romero puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Cristian Romero slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Cristian Romero slides a beauty through the gap, Roony Bardghji is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Roony Bardghji goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Vozinha runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Gonzalo Montiel joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Cristian Romero puts Roony Bardghji into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Roony Bardghji wants to find Leandro Paredes between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Alphonso Davies to Roony Bardghji, they bypass the wall with the combination. Roony Bardghji shifts it to Igor Thiago with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Sidny Lopes Cabral exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Vozinha just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Vozinha legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Alphonso Davies tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Alphonso Davies presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Alphonso Davies, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Alphonso Davies! On the inswinging cross from Roony Bardghji, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Alphonso Davies right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Cristian Romero tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Vozinha has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Sidny Lopes Cabral, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Sidny Lopes Cabral! It fizzes between the lines and Marcos Senesi collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Marcos Senesi sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Sidny Lopes Cabral rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Cristian Romero jumps on his back, Vozinha is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Vozinha points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Cristian Romero comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Mikel Oyarzabal places it inside the post from the cross by Alphonso Davies, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Mikel Oyarzabal mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Leandro Paredes plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Vozinha plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Leandro Paredes is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Mikel Oyarzabal adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Sidny Lopes Cabral sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 24, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Leandro Paredes high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Alphonso Davies, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Roony Bardghji. Roony Bardghji crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Gonzalo Montiel in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Alphonso Davies, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Alphonso Davies pretends to strike and lays it off to Roony Bardghji, well worked short free kick. Roony Bardghji takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from Roony Bardghji! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Gonzalo Montiel on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Gonzalo Montiel picks out Marcos Senesi with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Marcos Senesi eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Marcos Senesi pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Marcos Senesi finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Marcos Senesi, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Marcos Senesi opens up to Sidny Lopes Cabral on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Sidny Lopes Cabral there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Igor Thiago, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Vozinha grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Sidny Lopes Cabral is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Gonzalo Montiel and Mikel Oyarzabal, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Mikel Oyarzabal spots the gap and sends Alphonso Davies into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Alphonso Davies sets it for Gonzalo Montiel, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Gonzalo Montiel slips Marcos Senesi in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Sidny Lopes Cabral lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Marcos Senesi down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Marcos Senesi was beyond the last man when Gonzalo Montiel released the pass. Igor Thiago scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Leandro Paredes grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Roony Bardghji pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Vozinha to Gonzalo Montiel, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Gonzalo Montiel to the near post and wins the header. Gonzalo Montiel was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Cristian Romero! Sumptuous header on the cross from Mikel Oyarzabal, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Vozinha stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Marcos Senesi comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Roony Bardghji reads the movement from Alphonso Davies and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Alphonso Davies! On the gift from Mikel Oyarzabal, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Roony Bardghji stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Sidny Lopes Cabral follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Vozinha plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Alphonso Davies shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Roony Bardghji. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Roony Bardghji looks for Gonzalo Montiel but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Gavi hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Gavi loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Roony Bardghji is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Igor Thiago and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Vozinha owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 189, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Sidny Lopes Cabral leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Gavi launches it to Alphonso Davies on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Gonzalo Montiel! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Roony Bardghji is away on his own. That is velvet. Roony Bardghji bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Igor Thiago triggers a change of flanks for Roony Bardghji, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Roony Bardghji, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Igor Thiago, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Leandro Paredes played as a cross, Alphonso Davies positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Alphonso Davies, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Vozinha! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Mikel Oyarzabal to Gavi, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Gavi spreads the play and finds Leandro Paredes in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Leandro Paredes plays it simple to Roony Bardghji, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Roony Bardghji puts it right into the feet of Mikel Oyarzabal, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Leandro Paredes spreads it to Marcos Senesi, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Marcos Senesi tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Marcos Senesi, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Vozinha launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Gonzalo Montiel after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Gonzalo Montiel to Mikel Oyarzabal, faster than the opposition can think. Mikel Oyarzabal gifts Sidny Lopes Cabral a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Gonzalo Montiel and Leandro Paredes do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Gonzalo Montiel turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Mikel Oyarzabal, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Mikel Oyarzabal! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Mikel Oyarzabal sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Mikel Oyarzabal legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Igor Thiago tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Roony Bardghji finds the gap and serves Igor Thiago in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Igor Thiago, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Alphonso Davies does not fancy the shot and goes short to Gonzalo Montiel, trying to disorganise the defence. Gonzalo Montiel beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Gonzalo Montiel rolls it to Mikel Oyarzabal, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Mikel Oyarzabal and Gavi blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Vozinha eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Roony Bardghji pulls Vozinha away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Leandro Paredes takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Leandro Paredes over the entire defence, Sidny Lopes Cabral finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Vozinha! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Vozinha to Gonzalo Montiel, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Marcos Senesi wants to push higher. Mikel Oyarzabal reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Mikel Oyarzabal, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Marcos Senesi, standing at 184, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Leandro Paredes is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Leandro Paredes delivers a tidy ball to Igor Thiago, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Igor Thiago that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Marcos Senesi sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Cristian Romero absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Mikel Oyarzabal into Marcos Senesi, right into the boots. No waste. Marcos Senesi turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Cristian Romero. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Cristian Romero! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Alphonso Davies is beside himself. Tidy restart from Vozinha along the deck to Marcos Senesi, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Marcos Senesi shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Roony Bardghji chips his cross over the back line, Gonzalo Montiel is at the far post, free as a bird. Gonzalo Montiel goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Igor Thiago finds Gonzalo Montiel between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Gonzalo Montiel switches the play to Marcos Senesi on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Marcos Senesi dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Marcos Senesi goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from Roony Bardghji, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Roony Bardghji shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from Roony Bardghji... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Vozinha eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Roony Bardghji pulls Vozinha away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Sidny Lopes Cabral. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Mikel Oyarzabal! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Mikel Oyarzabal takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Igor Thiago follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Mikel Oyarzabal plays the simple ball to Cristian Romero, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Cristian Romero pulls it back along the ground for Mikel Oyarzabal, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOOOAL for Mikel Oyarzabal! On the genius pass from Leandro Paredes, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Mikel Oyarzabal climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Igor Thiago films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Step-overs from Alphonso Davies followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Alphonso Davies treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Alphonso Davies stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Leandro Paredes comes over and hugs him without a word.

Leandro Paredes delivers an inswinging free kick, Mikel Oyarzabal at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from Mikel Oyarzabal, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Roony Bardghji hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Marcos Senesi wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Brilliant tackle from Sidny Lopes Cabral! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Little shift from Sidny Lopes Cabral to Alphonso Davies, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ball over the top from Alphonso Davies, Leandro Paredes had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Igor Thiago gives it to Gavi into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. It falls apart for Gavi, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Vozinha winces. Gonzalo Montiel looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Alphonso Davies once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 26-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Leandro Paredes sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Cristian Romero produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Alphonso Davies powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Alphonso Davies floats a cross in from the wing for Gonzalo Montiel, the ball hangs in the box!

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Gavi changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Sidny Lopes Cabral. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Magnificent leap from Sidny Lopes Cabral who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Leandro Paredes picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him.

Leandro Paredes delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Roony Bardghji hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Vozinha throws it out quickly to Mikel Oyarzabal, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Diagonal from Mikel Oyarzabal to Alphonso Davies, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good run from Alphonso Davies who crosses to the near post for Sidny Lopes Cabral. The defender is beaten to it.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Vozinha runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Igor Thiago joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from Roony Bardghji is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Cristian Romero heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Cristian Romero looks up and launches a long pass towards Marcos Senesi. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lay-off from Marcos Senesi to Roony Bardghji, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Fantastic high recovery from Roony Bardghji, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

1-1. Mikel Oyarzabal and Roony Bardghji are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Mikel Oyarzabal. "Next time," replies Roony Bardghji. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

Mikel Oyarzabal tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Mikel Oyarzabal follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Alphonso Davies! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Mikel Oyarzabal fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Gavi plays the medic running in. Vozinha plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Sidny Lopes Cabral sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Absolute peach from Sidny Lopes Cabral, threading it through for Alphonso Davies, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOAL for Alphonso Davies! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Cristian Romero with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Solo charge from Cristian Romero, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOAL! What a LOB from Cristian Romero! On the pass from Alphonso Davies, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Cristian Romero spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Igor Thiago gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Leandro Paredes into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Magnificent reading of the game from Gonzalo Montiel, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Igor Thiago drops a lofted ball to Alphonso Davies, it sails over the entire midfield line. Alphonso Davies lofts a cross into the box, Igor Thiago is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Igor Thiago rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss pulls Gavi aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 22 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Gavi just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We can exclusively reveal that Mikel Oyarzabal, standing 181, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Gavi sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Vozinha fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Igor Thiago plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Sidny Lopes Cabral refuses to give up, sprints all the way back and arrives just in time to make the tackle. Sidny Lopes Cabral commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. Sidny Lopes Cabral picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. Sidny Lopes Cabral tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The corner from Roony Bardghji comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Stunning tackle by Sidny Lopes Cabral in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Alphonso Davies puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Alphonso Davies reaches the byline and cuts it back for Igor Thiago arriving from the second wave.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Vozinha dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Huge tackle from Sidny Lopes Cabral! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Wicked through ball from Sidny Lopes Cabral, the ball skims the grass and finds Gonzalo Montiel who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Gonzalo Montiel rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Vozinha distributes short to Roony Bardghji, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Smooth transition from Roony Bardghji to Sidny Lopes Cabral, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Sidny Lopes Cabral drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The free kick from Leandro Paredes is a dangerous one, Mikel Oyarzabal meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Mikel Oyarzabal loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. SAVE from Vozinha! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

What a result against Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Vozinha walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Sidny Lopes Cabral follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The ball from Gonzalo Montiel rips through the defensive curtain, Sidny Lopes Cabral is flying into the space like an arrow. Sidny Lopes Cabral looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Gonzalo Montiel mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Leandro Paredes raises Gonzalo Montiel's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Vozinha plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Gonzalo Montiel clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by Roony Bardghji, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Blistering run from Gavi on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Gavi dives in the penalty area, hoping to con the referee. Not today, son. Gavi booked for simulation, he was looking for a penalty and found a yellow card instead. Gavi plays a low free kick into the box, Roony Bardghji cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Vozinha hoofs it forward towards Igor Thiago, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from Igor Thiago, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Cristian Romero brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Cross from Cristian Romero, he puts it on the far post for Gonzalo Montiel. Gonzalo Montiel tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Everything on the line, Vozinha is up, nothing to lose now. What a leap from Cristian Romero! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Cristian Romero slides it to Gonzalo Montiel, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Roony Bardghji is biting {his} nails in the corner. Vozinha stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Gonzalo Montiel once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 29-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Mikel Oyarzabal leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Marcos Senesi lays it off first time to Roony Bardghji, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Roony Bardghji keeps it short to Alphonso Davies, no frills, just good football intelligence. Alphonso Davies takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Alphonso Davies tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after Gavi's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Marcos Senesi boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Marcos Senesi launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from Marcos Senesi, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Igor Thiago tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Cristian Romero sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Leandro Paredes bounces off Marcos Senesi, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. One laser pass from Leandro Paredes and the entire defence is eliminated, Roony Bardghji is through on goal. The space is enormous. Roony Bardghji is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Sidny Lopes Cabral is shaking his head. Short distribution from Vozinha to Leandro Paredes, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Leandro Paredes, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Sidny Lopes Cabral reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from Sidny Lopes Cabral to Igor Thiago, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Igor Thiago looks for Mikel Oyarzabal with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Igor Thiago kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Marcos Senesi does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Vozinha kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Roony Bardghji takes a knee behind him. Vozinha raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall combination between Sidny Lopes Cabral and Mikel Oyarzabal, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOL from Sidny Lopes Cabral! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Sidny Lopes Cabral legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Mikel Oyarzabal tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quick one-two between Gonzalo Montiel and Gavi, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from Gavi, Alphonso Davies arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Alphonso Davies winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Gonzalo Montiel strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Igor Thiago points at it, jaw on the floor. Vozinha shakes his head, not believing it.

Rainbow flick from Mikel Oyarzabal, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Lovely use of the ball by Mikel Oyarzabal, finding Gavi in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shifting pass from Gavi to Roony Bardghji, the ball drifts into the free zone and Roony Bardghji is onto it in two strides.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Sidny Lopes Cabral, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Sidny Lopes Cabral takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Quite remarkable — Gavi got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 22 years old. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Marcos Senesi is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Powerful run from Alphonso Davies down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Alphonso Davies looks up and swings in a floated cross, Igor Thiago rises among the defenders. Cross from Igor Thiago far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from Roony Bardghji on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Neat lay-off from Roony Bardghji for Cristian Romero in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Cristian Romero unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Line-breaking pass from Alphonso Davies! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Mikel Oyarzabal picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Mikel Oyarzabal thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Cristian Romero's pass. Vozinha goes long for Marcos Senesi, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Marcos Senesi sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The corner from Gavi is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Monumental ball from Igor Thiago to Cristian Romero, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap from Cristian Romero with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The dribble from Cristian Romero fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Classy interception from Igor Thiago, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Sidny Lopes Cabral sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Mikel Oyarzabal is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Mikel Oyarzabal is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Sidny Lopes Cabral's pass was beautifully weighted too. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Sidny Lopes Cabral feeds Marcos Senesi in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Majestic individual run from Gavi, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Gavi shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Vozinha distributes by hand to Igor Thiago on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Igor Thiago wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Roony Bardghji pings a long diagonal to Marcos Senesi, completely shifts the point of attack. Magnificent shift from Marcos Senesi! Gonzalo Montiel picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Gonzalo Montiel takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cut-back from Gonzalo Montiel, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Roony Bardghji.

Points shared. Leandro Paredes sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Alphonso Davies crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Absolutely immense from Gonzalo Montiel! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOAL! Roony Bardghji onto the pass from Igor Thiago produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Gonzalo Montiel runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Leandro Paredes gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

High recovery from Leandro Paredes, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOOAL! Igor Thiago turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Monster clearance from Vozinha, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Igor Thiago. Aerial duel lost by Igor Thiago, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Vozinha stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from Gavi, header from Igor Thiago at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored.

Roony Bardghji pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. WOOOW Roony Bardghji launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Alphonso Davies's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Almighty boot from Mikel Oyarzabal who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Vozinha is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Sidny Lopes Cabral, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Now this is properly British — Gavi once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 22 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Mikel Oyarzabal wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Sidny Lopes Cabral launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Royal interception from Gonzalo Montiel! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Massive clearance from Gonzalo Montiel, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Superb defensive work from Sidny Lopes Cabral there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Mikel Oyarzabal tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Gavi gives it to Leandro Paredes who returns it first time, Gavi ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Gavi accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Foul by Gavi in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Gavi combines with Alphonso Davies from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Vozinha and Cristian Romero do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Vozinha arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Gavi plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Booking for Gavi. Went in high with the forearm, the opponent felt that. Free kick swung in by Gavi, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Leandro Paredes is lurking. Aerial duel won by Leandro Paredes in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Vozinha rolls it short to Gavi into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, Gavi finds Mikel Oyarzabal on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Mikel Oyarzabal delivers a tidy ball to Igor Thiago, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Full time, full joy! Gavi walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Cristian Romero carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-1 (W)

Surging run from Igor Thiago from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Igor Thiago storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. Penalty from Igor Thiago! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

Igor Thiago sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Cristian Romero snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Vozinha waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Gonzalo Montiel with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Igor Thiago spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Solidarity move: Gonzalo Montiel grabs Roony Bardghji who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Roony Bardghji a standing ovation right through to the restart.

One touch football: Sidny Lopes Cabral to Gonzalo Montiel, faster than the opposition can think. The opponent is bundled over by Gonzalo Montiel. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Booking for Gonzalo Montiel, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last. Free kick from Gonzalo Montiel... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch. Massive clearance from Cristian Romero in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Ferocious press from Roony Bardghji! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Roony Bardghji plays it into the channel for Gonzalo Montiel, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Gonzalo Montiel aims for Roony Bardghji but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. What positioning from Gonzalo Montiel! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Gonzalo Montiel boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Cristian Romero with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Brilliant switch of play from Cristian Romero! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Roony Bardghji. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Alphonso Davies is leaning back with {his} feet up, 183 cm of pure relaxation. Gonzalo Montiel is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A wonderful anecdote — Cristian Romero once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 28 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Gavi leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Oh dear oh dear! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Roony Bardghji unleashes a raking ball out to Leandro Paredes, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Leandro Paredes weights his pass into the space for Roony Bardghji who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Alphonso Davies launches a long ball for Roony Bardghji, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Vozinha plays out from the back with Cristian Romero, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Burst of speed from Cristian Romero, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Vozinha closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Vozinha opts for the short option to Sidny Lopes Cabral, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Free kick from Roony Bardghji delivered with pace, Sidny Lopes Cabral finds himself in space at the far post. The cross from Sidny Lopes Cabral is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm.

Roony Bardghji slips Igor Thiago in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Flash wall from Marcos Senesi for Igor Thiago who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. The defence holds its line and Igor Thiago is caught offside from Roony Bardghji's ball over the top. Vozinha boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Mikel Oyarzabal! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Mikel Oyarzabal slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

Vozinha plays it along the ground to Alphonso Davies, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Switch from Alphonso Davies! The ball arcs over the midfield and Roony Bardghji collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Roony Bardghji releases Marcos Senesi with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Marcos Senesi gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Alphonso Davies just needs to sidefoot it home. Alphonso Davies with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on!

What a result against Istanbul Cehennem FK! Vozinha walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Leandro Paredes follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Telepathic pass from Roony Bardghji to Gavi, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Gavi lobs the keeper and it is GOAL! The audacity to attempt that finish at THIS moment of the match is what makes GREAT players. Perfect lob, perfect trajectory, PERFECT goal!

Long kick from Vozinha, Marcos Senesi positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Marcos Senesi explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Chipped cross from Marcos Senesi over the defence, Sidny Lopes Cabral is underneath it. That is a killer ball.

The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Oh what a challenge! Cristian Romero goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Enormous clearance from Cristian Romero inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Roony Bardghji plays the free kick quickly to Marcos Senesi, they catch the defence napping. OHHH Marcos Senesi strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Mikel Oyarzabal tries his luck and puts it on the third tier. The crowd give him an ironic round of applause.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Gavi picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Lobbed cross from Gavi, it sails over the entire back four and Sidny Lopes Cabral is there behind. Brilliant. Lovely high take from Vozinha! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. Vozinha sends an absolute rocket towards Cristian Romero, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Leandro Paredes claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. A scouting report from Roony Bardghji's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 21 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' They are back. Igor Thiago salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Mikel Oyarzabal overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Looping cross from Mikel Oyarzabal, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Roony Bardghji. Danger. Cross from Roony Bardghji intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. Panicked clearance from Roony Bardghji, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Free kick from Gavi, lovely delivery and Mikel Oyarzabal rises above the defence. Mikel Oyarzabal goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Good ball from Mikel Oyarzabal to Roony Bardghji, playing it quick between the lines. Roony Bardghji wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure.

Marcos Senesi goes crossfield to Leandro Paredes, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Cross from Leandro Paredes off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Igor Thiago at the far side. Vozinha repels the attempt with a reflex save! Clinical, clean, absolutely enormous. Mikel Oyarzabal heads the corner from Gavi at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough.

The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! Sidny Lopes Cabral has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! OVER THE BAR! Sidny Lopes Cabral sends the penalty into the stands! Absolute disaster!

Vozinha lumps it long towards Mikel Oyarzabal, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Magnificent tackle from Mikel Oyarzabal! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Mikel Oyarzabal feeds Roony Bardghji in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. WHAT A SHAME for Roony Bardghji! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Massive win over Milano Piano-Piano! Alphonso Davies is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Gonzalo Montiel pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-1 (W)

Gonzalo Montiel goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Oh the TOUCH from Mikel Oyarzabal! SUBLIME lob! The keeper is ten yards off his line, Mikel Oyarzabal spots it, chips the ball and it drops right into the goal. MASTERPIECE!

Gonzalo Montiel kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Mikel Oyarzabal takes a knee behind him. Vozinha raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Alphonso Davies rises on the delivery from Igor Thiago and powers a furious header into the net!

Cristian Romero rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Gonzalo Montiel. The far side is completely deserted. Brilliant opening from Gonzalo Montiel for Gavi, frees up the entire left flank. Driven cross from Gavi into the box, Gonzalo Montiel arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

It's hit the back of the net! Sevilla Olé-Olé lead and we look completely lost.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. What a rush out from Vozinha! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. Vozinha smashes a volley towards Mikel Oyarzabal, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Massive diagonal from Mikel Oyarzabal! Sidny Lopes Cabral receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. Gavi is chatting with Vozinha about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." Now Cristian Romero — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 188, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Back on the pitch and Vozinha is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. VAR shows just how bad the challenge was, Sidny Lopes Cabral is sent to the dressing room! Unbelievable scenes! Sidny Lopes Cabral has kicked out at the opponent off the ball. He's been sent off. Sidny Lopes Cabral plays the free kick back to Marcos Senesi, they are looking for the shooting angle.

Sharp turn from Alphonso Davies, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. The attacker tries to sprint past but Alphonso Davies grabs the waistband, foul! Yellow shown to Alphonso Davies, he brought down the man rather than let him play the through ball. Alphonso Davies shapes to shoot but plays it short to Mikel Oyarzabal, the defence is caught flat-footed.

Quick one-two between Mikel Oyarzabal and Gonzalo Montiel, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Careless distribution from Gonzalo Montiel, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Huge interception from Marcos Senesi! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Marcos Senesi feeds Gonzalo Montiel in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Lay-off from Gonzalo Montiel to Gavi, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Igor Thiago gives it to Alphonso Davies into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Alphonso Davies has a go but the shot is deflected! The defender took the ball full in the chest. Corner from Marcos Senesi, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Lifesaving clearance from Alphonso Davies! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Gavi pings a ridiculous diagonal to Leandro Paredes. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Leandro Paredes is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Cristian Romero lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

It's over and we've won it! Vozinha grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Sidny Lopes Cabral pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

And it's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Gavi feeds Igor Thiago in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. GOOOOAL from Igor Thiago! MASTERFUL long-range strike, the ball traces a perfect line and ends in the net!

Marcos Senesi anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Marcos Senesi beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Marcos Senesi takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. High recovery from Mikel Oyarzabal, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Mikel Oyarzabal sets it for Igor Thiago, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Vozinha plays it short to Alphonso Davies, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Alphonso Davies plays the simple ball to Gavi, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

The gaffer pulls up München Ordnung-Muss-Sein's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Vozinha, you have the pace. Sidny Lopes Cabral, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. A little fun fact for you — Vozinha, all 189 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Cristian Romero leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Driven kick from Vozinha to Mikel Oyarzabal, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Mikel Oyarzabal powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Mikel Oyarzabal tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw. What composure from Vozinha! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Massive punt from Vozinha, sends the ball sixty yards, Alphonso Davies is scrapping for it up top.

The free kick from Alphonso Davies clears the defence and finds Igor Thiago in the danger area. Igor Thiago beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Igor Thiago winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

Alphonso Davies gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Absolutely disgraceful from Alphonso Davies. Not a shred of contact and he's writhing on the floor. Alphonso Davies earns a yellow card for diving, you reap what you sow on the pitch. The free kick from Alphonso Davies is floated in, Igor Thiago makes his run to the back post.

They've scored! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Vozinha spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Gavi gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Cristian Romero swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Mikel Oyarzabal, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Mikel Oyarzabal wins the header and flicks it on for Gavi. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Big clearance from Mikel Oyarzabal under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Cristian Romero dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

Leandro Paredes sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Mikel Oyarzabal. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Alphonso Davies drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Roony Bardghji read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Devastating burst of pace from Roony Bardghji, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Mikel Oyarzabal leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Yellow card. Mikel Oyarzabal racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore. Mikel Oyarzabal's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment. Long ball from Vozinha for Gavi who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Points shared with München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Vozinha slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Gavi has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-1 (W)

They're going for broke, nothing can stop them now. Mad scenes, Vozinha sprinting to the halfway line to get back up in time. GOOOOL from Leandro Paredes! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Mikel Oyarzabal, the ball brushes the post and is in!

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Igor Thiago catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. GOOOOOOL from Igor Thiago! On the pass from Gavi, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

Igor Thiago does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Vozinha launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Vozinha arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Gavi finds Leandro Paredes between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Brilliant cut-back from Leandro Paredes along the grass for Gavi. That is an absolute peach of a ball. Gavi trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Leandro Paredes had done it all, what an absolute waste. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Roony Bardghji lays it off first time to Cristian Romero, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Cristian Romero squares it back for Marcos Senesi, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

Vozinha catapults the ball towards Marcos Senesi from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Interception from Marcos Senesi who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Marcos Senesi. One touch football: Marcos Senesi to Leandro Paredes, faster than the opposition can think.

Leandro Paredes starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Cristian Romero conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Now here's a proper one — Mikel Oyarzabal was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 181, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' And we are back underway! Cristian Romero jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Pass into no-man's land from Mikel Oyarzabal, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Sidny Lopes Cabral sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery.

What a disaster! London Three-Pints score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Vozinha is at the centre, lifted up by Leandro Paredes and Vozinha, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Roulette from Leandro Paredes on his marker, the skill is magnificent, the crowd goes wild! Failed dribble from Leandro Paredes, he tried to do too much and the defender capitalises. Marcos Senesi mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Marcos Senesi sends an inswinging free kick in, Alphonso Davies rises for the header at the far post.

Sidny Lopes Cabral cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Sidny Lopes Cabral slides it to Cristian Romero, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Long ball from Cristian Romero to Roony Bardghji, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Change of flanks from Sidny Lopes Cabral, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Gonzalo Montiel. Gonzalo Montiel tries to find Sidny Lopes Cabral but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Sidny Lopes Cabral goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Sidny Lopes Cabral just won it. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Leandro Paredes has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though.

Alphonso Davies presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Alphonso Davies unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Marcos Senesi frees up the entire channel for Igor Thiago with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Low cut-back from Igor Thiago, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Sidny Lopes Cabral.

Brilliant! Marcos Senesi goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Vozinha photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'