My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

82-126 (L)

Total control. Donald Trump has this thing on a string. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Payne Haas the moment he crosses half court. Not a hand on him. Payne Haas flat missed the bunny.

The investor makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. BAAAANG! Payne Haas sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. The boxer just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! This building is SHAKING. Payne Haas just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

Five straight misses now for LeBron James, and every voice in that huddle has gone quiet. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Payne Haas has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The extra pass! LeBron James had the look, gave it up anyway, and Payne Haas buries it. BANG! Two points left on the floor by Payne Haas, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

First half is done. Donald Trump is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Anecdote: Donald Trump slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And now, our halftime TV game show Three in a Row Probably! To win a crock pot with the lid from a completely different crock pot, text HOOPS to 555-0607 and answer this question: 'What happens to the air inside a basketball left in a truck overnight?' Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Ball moves. Reece Walsh to LeBron James, on time and on target. LeBron James rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. That is another catch and shoot triple for LeBron James, and you can see the closeouts getting more desperate every single trip.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Somebody explain how the investor reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Mike Tyson! Nothing but runway to the rim! That is a dime from Mike Tyson that deserved so much better, and Reece Walsh knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Reece Walsh splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. The rugby league player had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

The box score will show nothing at all for the boxer, just a ruined shot and a shooter who will remember that wall all night.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Down screen, and LeBron James curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. That is the shot LeBron James wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Donald Trump drops it off to Reece Walsh on time and on target. The rugby league player reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Reece Walsh goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Donald Trump and LeBron James walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. And here is the answer to our game show Three in a Row Probably! Colleen Hackenberg of Rusty Nail, Pennsylvania, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What happens to the air inside a basketball left in a truck overnight?' The answer was of course it becomes a slightly smaller basketball, and everybody in the gym agrees to say nothing about it. Colleen therefore wins a crock pot with the lid from a completely different crock pot! During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

90-134 (L)

Mike Tyson times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Over the top of everybody. Donald Trump to Payne Haas in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. The rugby league player pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Nobody drew up that arc. The rugby league player floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The investor is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Watch the sell from Payne Haas here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. OHHHHH POSTERIZED! Payne Haas just ENDED that defender at the rim!

Payne Haas freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Miami Heart-Attack coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Back to the locker room. LeBron James's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Little scoop: LeBron James tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. And now, our halftime TV game show Press Your Luck, Buddy! To win a metal detector that only ever finds bottle caps, text HOOPS to 555-0451 and answer this question: 'Who was the first person in recorded history to yell defense at a wedding?' Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.

Cross court, on a rope, from the rugby league player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Donald Trump drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot LeBron James should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Donald Trump threw it before the help even committed. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, LeBron James gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Give and go! LeBron James gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! OHHHH what a FINISH from LeBron James! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

LeBron James pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. Reece Walsh mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

Ejection. Mike Tyson is gone for his part in that scrum while the officials sort out who did what to whom.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The officials swallow a LOT of noise in this league, so understand exactly what it took for Donald Trump to get whistled up for that one.

Turnover, layup, Miami Heart-Attack straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Help defense from the rugby league player! Somebody in this league is getting paid millions to be a full step slower than that.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Donald Trump already has the defense a full step behind. LeBron James comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! In, around, and gone. The iron gives LeBron James nothing.

Inbounds pass and Donald Trump is on him instantly, two hands on the jersey, whistle. The clock freezes at nineteen point four.

Payne Haas presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Mike Tyson walks right past without noticing. And here is the answer to our game Press Your Luck, Buddy! Vergie Cornsilk of Hominy Bend, Arkansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Who was the first person in recorded history to yell defense at a wedding?' The answer was of course an uncle, and he has not been invited back since. Vergie takes home a metal detector that only ever finds bottle caps! During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

90-119 (L)

Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Reece Walsh rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Straight back to the office for the rugby league player, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Swing, swing, and Reece Walsh finds Donald Trump on the wing before the help can even turn its head. The defender crowded the middle, and Donald Trump punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Payne Haas threads a BEAUTY to Donald Trump under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

GET THAT OUTTA HERE! Payne Haas says NOT in my house!

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Unselfish basketball. Donald Trump passes up a good shot and hands Payne Haas a GREAT one. A cruel spin-out for the rugby league player, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Rest time. Mike Tyson isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Confession: Mike Tyson believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. And now, our halftime TV game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! To win a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone, text HOOPS to 555-0914 and answer this question: 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

So close. LeBron James can only stare at the iron. LeBron James SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. Kick out to LeBron James, one more to Reece Walsh, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the rugby league player goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

Reece Walsh deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. Payne Haas arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Reece Walsh has known that all night long. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A rugby league player making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Getting to his spot and elevating, LeBron James puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Orlando Magic-Beans with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

OHHHH, what a read by Reece Walsh! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the boxer! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Reece Walsh launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. The investor takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. The investor had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

This is a game inside the game, and Reece Walsh is holding up his end of it in style.

Huddle is tight, marker squeaking on the board, and LeBron James is already nodding before the coach finishes the sentence. OHHHH that is BEAUTIFUL basketball! LeBron James finishes the set and the whole bench is up.

LeBron James freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Orlando Magic-Beans coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

Donald Trump hurls his water bottle at the wall. Reece Walsh flinches but doesn't react. And here is the answer to our game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! Lavonne Stackhouse of Grease Rag Creek, Delaware, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' The answer was of course six hundred and twelve, and most of them in the Midwest. Lavonne therefore wins a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone! On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

89-109 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Philadelphia Injury-Report with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Five bodies moving as one, Donald Trump barking out every rotation, and there is not a crack anywhere in this thing. Somewhere there is a shift with the boxer written on it for tomorrow morning. Tonight he is out here erasing shots.

From WAY downtown off the pop! Donald Trump with the extra pass and CASH. Up goes the shot from Mike Tyson and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Donald Trump kicks it over to Mike Tyson, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. OHHHH that is filthy! Mike Tyson on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Nobody expects touch like that from the rugby league player, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

Payne Haas plants himself in front of the Philadelphia Injury-Report bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

End of the first half. Payne Haas is beet red but still standing. Did you know? Payne Haas has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a lifetime supply of expired coupons, text HOOPS to 555-0142 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the investor made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. The investor launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Clear path on LeBron James. Two shots AND the ball. That is the expensive one. Not one hand went for the basketball, just a forearm through the chest of LeBron James. That is the textbook definition of unnecessary contact.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

OHHHH the separation! Reece Walsh just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Pull-up from the elbow by Reece Walsh, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The basketball simply left Reece Walsh. No steal, no pressure, just a quiet parting of ways.

Three guys in warmups are halfway onto the floor celebrating what Payne Haas just did, and an official has to wave them back to their seats.

Fingertips! Donald Trump gets just enough on it and the ball squirts loose. The pass is the play here. LeBron James never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. Straight through the traffic, straight through the contact. The boxer finishes with a free throw coming and the paint suddenly feels very small.

They do not teach that in the investor handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Perfect drop-off from LeBron James, and Mike Tyson answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Donald Trump stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Mike Tyson comes back to get him. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Misfortune! Darlene Puckett of Lower Buttermilk, Kansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' The answer was of course four hundred and six, and the coach has never spoken of it since. Darlene takes home a lifetime supply of expired coupons! I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

96-99 (L)

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and LeBron James gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. The rugby league player spots up in the corner and drills it like it is nothing. Somewhere a shooting coach is crying tears of joy.

Lazy crosscourt pass, and Reece Walsh makes them pay. Clean pick, no whistle, two easy ones before that coach can sit back down. One hand, full court, Reece Walsh hits Mike Tyson in stride and the crowd is already up. You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about Mike Tyson.

Hands out, palms up, Mike Tyson shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. LeBron James is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

No block, no foul, just Mike Tyson being ENORMOUS in the lane, and that shot never had a chance.

A cut with that timing from the rugby league player? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Off the back iron for Reece Walsh, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

Halftime whistle. Payne Haas has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Little scoop: Payne Haas collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. And now, our halftime TV game show Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! To win a bowling trophy from a league that never existed, text HOOPS to 555-0192 and answer this question: 'What is the flavor of blue?' Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.

Set called, Mike Tyson waved out to the corner, and Donald Trump watches the spacing open up like a front door. A boxer breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Gift wrapped by LeBron James, and Mike Tyson cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Phoenix No-Defense with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Clean feed from Donald Trump, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Mike Tyson and LeBron James just played basketball and the defense got shredded. The boxer just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

Mike Tyson mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Phoenix No-Defense fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how LeBron James breaks a shell down. The rugby league player just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. That is what heavy minutes do, Payne Haas has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Here comes the slip from Mike Tyson, and Donald Trump reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. That is the second illegal pick of the night from Mike Tyson, and possessions like that are how you lose a tight one.

Ooof. Donald Trump got put on SKATES right there.

Look at that bench, not one man seated. LeBron James had this moment circled since the walkthrough, and the shot has not even gone up. Two seconds left, LeBron James rises, perfect footwork, perfect release, and the ball rattles out like the hoop had a lid on it.

Payne Haas takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. LeBron James follows the same path. And here is the answer to our game Iron Chef Boy-Are-Dee! Elmer Tunstall of Split Rail, Vermont, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the flavor of blue?' The answer was of course blue, which has been blue since 1968 and nobody has improved on it. Elmer takes home a bowling trophy from a league that never existed! Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

89-131 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Two guys on the exact same page, LeBron James and Donald Trump, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. From eight feet LeBron James puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The investor is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. One hard step and Payne Haas owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Zero hesitation, zero conscience. Payne Haas made that closeout look completely pointless.

Oldest play in the book, and Donald Trump runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. The rugby league player hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

End of the second quarter. Donald Trump is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Rumor has it Donald Trump tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Casserole! To win a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others, text HOOPS to 555-0177 and answer this question: 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Somebody explain the arc to the rugby league player. He gave away three shots on a prayer, and you can watch the coach age in real time.

Two defenders, one gap, and LeBron James finds it. Onions on that pass. Ohhh no. Mike Tyson just walked. In front of everybody.

Not a bite on the pump fake, Payne Haas stays tall, and the floater dies on the iron. Wide open runway! Reece Walsh gets to the rim before the defense even crosses halfcourt!

Stone silence for one second, then Reece Walsh lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Donald Trump answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Los Angeles Nursing-Home again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The investor just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Mike Tyson blows the wide open layup!

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Look how low LeBron James keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. LeBron James drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and LeBron James just did it by hitting Mike Tyson on the back side with acres of room. Straight down the baseline goes the boxer! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the boxer! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Take the foul, live with whatever happens at the line. Donald Trump clamps down on the ball handler and the whistle does the rest.

Donald Trump's lip is trembling. Reece Walsh dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. And here is the answer to our game Name That Casserole! Bobbie Jo Tatum of Mule Shoe Flats, Texas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' The answer was of course the seagull, even nine hundred miles inland. Bobbie Jo takes home a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others! During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

80-114 (L)

The boxer just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Payne Haas gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because LeBron James saw it a beat early. Textbook two-man game: Payne Haas keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Donald Trump rolls into an open runway. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Donald Trump launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Donald Trump walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Ball into Donald Trump at the elbow, LeBron James plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! LeBron James rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

LeBron James mimes putting a whole section to sleep, hands folded against his cheek, eyes shut. He is facing the Toronto Border-Patrol fans who paid for the good seats. They boo. He nods along with the boos, which somehow makes the home crowd louder.

There is nothing accidental about that one. Payne Haas hunted the contact, sold it, and bought himself a trip to the stripe. The rugby league player just airballed a FREE THROW, and somewhere a group chat has already saved that clip forever.

Break! Reece Walsh has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Did you know Reece Walsh once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. And now, our halftime TV game show Go Fish for Answers! To win a porch swing missing every single chain, text HOOPS to 555-0468 and answer this question: 'What is the average lifespan of a whistle used in a middle school gym?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Ten to nothing. LeBron James is COOKING and there is not one answer on that other bench. The opposing coach is off his seat waving both arms before the ball is even inbounded. Reece Walsh forced that.

Donald Trump comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Mike Tyson just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Rises, releases, and Mike Tyson sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Reece Walsh put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! The rugby league player baits the contact, gets the whistle, and struts to the line like a ten-year pro. His boss is watching this and quietly rethinking next week's schedule. Two for two from the rugby league player, calm as a Tuesday afternoon. Whatever that job involves all day, it clearly builds very steady hands.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The investor just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, LeBron James makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. The big man never even contested it, and Donald Trump still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Cross court, on a rope, from the investor. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Payne Haas did all the dirty work on that one. Donald Trump rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Over and back on the rugby league player, who just lost a possession to a painted line. No defender required.

Donald Trump takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Reece Walsh doesn't drink. Throat too tight. And here is the answer to our game show Go Fish for Answers! Peggy Ann Winterbottom of Two Chairs, Nebraska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the average lifespan of a whistle used in a middle school gym?' The answer was of course six years, or two seasons of an especially loud coach. Peggy Ann therefore wins a porch swing missing every single chain! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

89-128 (L)

Tip is UP and Payne Haas gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Reece Walsh sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Donald Trump finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Reece Walsh beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Payne Haas sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Donald Trump lays it right on his hands in traffic! Drop step, jump hook, bucket! Payne Haas is doing it the old way.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Payne Haas never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That is five guys on a string and LeBron James is the knot holding it together, because the corner gets covered behind him too. LeBron James goes up with the hands to the ceiling and the shot comes off the front rim. Textbook verticality.

Break! Reece Walsh heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Little scoop: Reece Walsh collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. And now, our halftime TV game show The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! To win a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning, text HOOPS to 555-0129 and answer this question: 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The investor is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Payne Haas, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Payne Haas, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Watch the spacing there, Reece Walsh hits Payne Haas right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Second pass beats the rotation, Payne Haas to Donald Trump, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Donald Trump is walking back with both hands on his head.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Mike Tyson rises up and REJECTS the layup off the glass, and now he is barking at the whole building about it.

Laser from Reece Walsh, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Screen, hesitation, delivery, Payne Haas drops it off perfectly for Reece Walsh diving to the rim. That is the shot chart lying to you. Reece Walsh did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Whirl, and GONE! Reece Walsh leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the rugby league player, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

A rugby league player breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! The rugby league player just turned a straight-up mugging into a three-point play. Whatever the day job pays, it is nowhere near enough.

Slow walk, no expression. Reece Walsh backpedals past the Minnesota Ice-Wall huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

Mike Tyson and Donald Trump share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. And here is the answer to our game The Gong Show Kazoo Edition! Homer Blevins of Lost Wallet, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct way to pronounce the name on a jersey that nobody can read?' The answer was of course however the grandmother in row four says it. Homer takes home a jug of homemade hot sauce labeled only with a warning! Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

81-125 (L)

Somebody explain how the investor reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Full stop, full sprint, and the boxer is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. The boxer launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Donald Trump controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Payne Haas turns the corner off the screen from LeBron James, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! AROUND the cylinder and OUT! LeBron James cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Donald Trump makes it every single trip down the floor. The rugby league player runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Mike Tyson!

POCKET PASS! LeBron James threads it to Payne Haas between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Payne Haas catches on the wing, jab step, spin move, and that pivot foot comes clean off the hardwood. Traveling.

Halftime. Reece Walsh throws his towel on the floor walking in. True story: Reece Walsh walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Houston Blast-Off. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters at the Laundromat! To win a mannequin torso wearing a borrowed letterman jacket, text HOOPS to 555-0388 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of a chili at a firehouse cook-off?' Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Payne Haas fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand. The shot is short, and LeBron James is the only man moving. He rips it out of the crowd and the possession lives. The whole possession dies right there without LeBron James on the offensive glass, and instead it becomes the two easiest points of the quarter.

LeBron James pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

No hero ball here: Reece Walsh takes what the defense gives and moves it along. OHHHH the pocket pass! LeBron James splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Awful shot by Payne Haas with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Hesitate, GO. Reece Walsh is by that hip before the man even blinks. Oh, that is rough. Reece Walsh killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

Houston Blast-Off again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

SKIP PASS! Reece Walsh fires it cross court to Donald Trump and the defense is dead in the water! They do not teach that in the investor handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Down, up, and gone for Mike Tyson. The rim is just toying with him now.

The rugby league player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Mike Tyson gives it up to LeBron James on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. That is a throwback bucket: LeBron James with his back to the basket, and the defense has absolutely no answer for it.

LeBron James throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Mike Tyson grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

You do not need a scholarship to figure that one out. The rugby league player just stopped the clock the way people have been stopping clocks in gyms for sixty years.

Donald Trump sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Reece Walsh winces. And here is the answer to our game Blockbusters at the Laundromat! Reba Mae Odom of Skillet Fork, California, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the boiling point of a chili at a firehouse cook-off?' The answer was of course slightly above the legal limit. Reba Mae takes home a mannequin torso wearing a borrowed letterman jacket! Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

75-120 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Payne Haas winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Verticality, timing, discipline: Mike Tyson never bites on the pump fake and still finds a way to erase the shot.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Reece Walsh has known that all night long. The boxer pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Watch the feet on Mike Tyson there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Break. Mike Tyson collapses next to the vending machine. Juicy anecdote: Mike Tyson was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares of Cheese! To win a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod, text HOOPS to 555-0134 and answer this question: 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Donald Trump has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Reece Walsh precisely where the play wanted it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Reece Walsh whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on LeBron James. Cruel.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Donald Trump does. The investor launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The rugby league player swatted that one off the glass and handed over two free points. Somebody go over the cylinder rule at the next staff meeting.

Box-out from a grown man there. Payne Haas seals, elevates and SNATCHES it out of the air with two hands. Everything starts with that release, Payne Haas hitting LeBron James in full flight before the defense has even turned around. BAAAANG! Donald Trump throws the outlet ahead and LeBron James finishes through contact at the rim!

Laser from LeBron James, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Off the pin-down comes the investor with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Prayer from Donald Trump. Not answered.

OHHHH THE CHASEDOWN! LeBron James comes from nowhere and pins it on the glass! LeBron James converts on the break again, and that defense has now been beaten down the floor three straight trips. Somebody better call timeout.

The too-small gesture, aimed straight at the Denver Horse-Track bench, both hands measuring an inch of air. Their coach is out of his chair and onto the officials. LeBron James keeps the pose, unblinking, backpedaling all the way. The arena hits a decibel level that clips the broadcast mics.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Push the pace! Donald Trump grabs it and hits Mike Tyson in stride before the defense can even match up. Hard drive, hard stop, and Mike Tyson retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Mike Tyson!

Reece Walsh lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. LeBron James decides not to comment. And here is the answer to our game Hollywood Squares of Cheese! Dwayne Pickle of Beaver Hollow, Pennsylvania, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' The answer was of course all of them, that is the entire business model. Dwayne takes home a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod! I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

74-119 (L)

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Denied, and the heat goes with it. Donald Trump gets a long stare from the bench, and he has earned every second of it.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Donald Trump controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Payne Haas hands it off to Mike Tyson, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Payne Haas.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Laser from Donald Trump, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Reece Walsh pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. The rugby league player launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Both teams head in. Donald Trump has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Did you know Donald Trump started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. And now, our halftime TV game show The Great American Trivia Barn! To win a plastic owl that is supposed to scare pigeons but does not, text HOOPS to 555-1183 and answer this question: 'Which knee does a former player mention first at a class reunion?' Back at it! The players jog toward center court.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Reece Walsh has known that all night long. Straight down the baseline goes the investor! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Fifth possession this half where Donald Trump has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

OHHHH NO! Mike Tyson took the legs out from under a man in mid-air and that is a FLAGRANT TWO!

Mike Tyson is locked in on the other bench's best player and he has not backed up one single inch. This is what you buy the ticket for.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

They have to shoot over the top of this thing, and the top of it is a long way up. Filthy work from LeBron James. The entry pass goes in, LeBron James beats the big man to it, and this building is already standing up.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Donald Trump has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching LeBron James precisely where the play wanted it. Screen, pop, SPLASH! LeBron James kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. That is a forced shot from the boxer that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Donald Trump whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Payne Haas, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

No hero ball here: Donald Trump takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Watch the spacing, Reece Walsh drags two bodies toward the ball and Mike Tyson is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson gets into the paint, sees the shot blocker rising, and simply lifts it over the top of him. Never had a prayer.

LeBron James refuses New York Over-Timers's handshake. Reece Walsh offers a limp one with just his fingertips. And here is the answer to our game show The Great American Trivia Barn! Garland Shoemaker of Rickety Bridge, New York, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which knee does a former player mention first at a class reunion?' The answer was of course the left one, always, in every county we surveyed. Garland therefore wins a plastic owl that is supposed to scare pigeons but does not! Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

78-123 (L)

Tip goes to the boxer, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Second pass beats the rotation, LeBron James to Donald Trump, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Getting to his spot and elevating, Donald Trump puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Over the top of everybody. Donald Trump to Reece Walsh in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. STOP AND GO! Reece Walsh hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the rugby league player, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Heading in. Mike Tyson's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know Mike Tyson started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. And now, our halftime TV game show Card Sharks and Minnows! To win a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz, text HOOPS to 555-0209 and answer this question: 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.

Donald Trump launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH the pin-down! LeBron James pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Donald Trump. Brutal. Buzzer on the shot clock, LeBron James heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Missed layup for the rugby league player and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Mike Tyson treats every miss like it belongs to him. Miss, tip, bucket. Mike Tyson makes his living in the wreckage.

Donald Trump kicks it over to LeBron James, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. That is vision. LeBron James sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. The rugby league player launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

LeBron James is barking at the official, arms out, eyes wide, and there it is. The T comes flying in. SLAMMED into the hardwood after the no-call, and that is the second tech on LeBron James. Thanks for coming.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

GONE down the baseline! Reece Walsh beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. OHHHH the FADEAWAY! Reece Walsh rises over the defender and it falls through.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Somebody explain how the investor reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Watch Donald Trump plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Reece Walsh out of that corner in a blink. The rugby league player misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

No hero ball here: LeBron James takes what the defense gives and moves it along. They do not teach that in the investor handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. So close. Payne Haas can only stare at the iron.

Payne Haas lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Mike Tyson holds his in. And here is the answer to our game Card Sharks and Minnows! Norma Jean Slaughterbeck of Grease Rack, Indiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' The answer was of course approximately one confident toddler. Norma Jean takes home a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz! Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

83-127 (L)

Mike Tyson eats the contact so LeBron James can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and LeBron James is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Reece Walsh slides, closes out, recovers. The ball goes all the way around the perimeter and comes back with nothing.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Somebody explain how the investor reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Payne Haas pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Payne Haas fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Halftime! LeBron James checks his stats on the board and winces. Little secret: LeBron James listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Ankle! To win a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska, text HOOPS to 555-0212 and answer this question: 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the investor, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then LeBron James slips it to Donald Trump right in the pocket. Surgical. The investor had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Over the top of everybody. Donald Trump to Mike Tyson in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Textbook two-man game: Mike Tyson keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Reece Walsh rolls into an open runway. Perfect drop-off from Payne Haas, and Reece Walsh answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Reece Walsh stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. A cruel spin-out for the rugby league player, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Right through the window. LeBron James to Reece Walsh on the roll, and the help was a half step late. The rugby league player just traveled so obviously the referee did not even need a second look. Stick to the day job, my guy.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The rugby league player just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Reece Walsh, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Donald Trump! Nothing but runway to the rim! Hang time like that on the rugby league player? You do not pick that up on the day job, folks. Absolutely ridiculous.

Payne Haas pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Watch how they bury Mike Tyson in the corner on the inbound. Nothing happens until he moves, and by then the defense is beaten. Sixty seconds in the huddle and Mike Tyson cashes it without a single wasted dribble. Textbook.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Reece Walsh and an assistant coach who both want to hug Mike Tyson first. Mike Tyson lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Mike Tyson's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Donald Trump breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. And here is the answer to our game The Weakest Ankle! Delbert Yoakum of Cold Biscuit, Missouri, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' The answer was of course fifteen, though eleven of those are purely spiritual. Delbert takes home a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

91-129 (L)

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Cross court, on a rope, from the rugby league player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Payne Haas has all the room in the world. Shot clock at one, and Payne Haas just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

No hero ball here: LeBron James takes what the defense gives and moves it along. The investor just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Donald Trump has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

OHHHH, what a read by Donald Trump! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Perfect drop-off from Donald Trump, and Mike Tyson answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Break! Payne Haas rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Fun fact: Payne Haas tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a lifetime supply of expired coupons, text HOOPS to 555-0142 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Mike Tyson waits with both hands on top of his head. The bench behind Mike Tyson is going crazy, and it should be, that is a stolen possession without stealing anything.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The investor is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Left, right, gone. Payne Haas put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Gift wrapped by Reece Walsh, and Payne Haas cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

The rugby league player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. A cut with that timing from the rugby league player? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Donald Trump threads a BEAUTY to Payne Haas under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Cross court, on a rope, from the rugby league player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. The rugby league player runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. OHHHH, Reece Walsh from WAY downtown off the catch! The defense rotated a half second late and paid full price.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Reece Walsh does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Watch the spacing there, Donald Trump hits LeBron James right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. This is the counter: LeBron James punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Range like that bends a defense completely out of shape, and Payne Haas keeps proving the arc is only a suggestion.

Slow walk, no expression. Payne Haas backpedals past the San Antonio Skyscrapers huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

Cross court, on a rope, from the rugby league player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Donald Trump keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Rim out for Donald Trump, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The investor just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Throwing a shoulder into the defender like he is boarding a crowded train, Mike Tyson gets whistled for contact he never needed.

Donald Trump replays the score in his head on a loop. LeBron James tries to think about something else. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Misfortune! Darlene Puckett of Lower Buttermilk, Kansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' The answer was of course four hundred and six, and the coach has never spoken of it since. Darlene takes home a lifetime supply of expired coupons! During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

91-130 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The investor pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Count them with me: one step, two steps, and a third one nobody asked for. The official has seen enough of Donald Trump.

Third reach charged to LeBron James. At some point the officials stop giving you the benefit of the doubt, and that point was two whistles ago. FOUR on LeBron James! Grab a towel, that is the bench for a while.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Somebody explain how the investor reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. OHHHH the cut from Payne Haas! Two hard steps, one wide open rim, and the defense is still standing out at the arc. There is no finesse in that, and there does not need to be. Payne Haas simply decided the paint belonged to him.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Payne Haas strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. LeBron James carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

Halftime! Payne Haas walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Rumor has it Payne Haas has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! To win a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash, text HOOPS to 555-0804 and answer this question: 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' We're back! The players look fired up.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Watch the spacing there, Donald Trump hits Reece Walsh right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The rugby league player just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Two points left on the floor by LeBron James, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Called for three in the key. Mike Tyson had inside position, had the seal, had everything except a clock in his head.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The extra pass! Reece Walsh had the look, gave it up anyway, and LeBron James buries it. BANG! Whistle! LeBron James got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. Cash. Cash again. LeBron James pockets the two and jogs back on defense like nothing happened.

Down by the baseline, LeBron James points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Donald Trump is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

LeBron James guesses left, the ball handler goes right, and suddenly this is a two-on-one before anybody can rotate. Goaltending on LeBron James. Great athleticism, terrible timing.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and LeBron James just did it by hitting Reece Walsh on the back side with acres of room. Court vision like that on the rugby league player is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Long and gone. LeBron James floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

One little shoulder dip from Reece Walsh and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Reece Walsh up there and returns it with interest.

Back at the shop they have got this review up on every phone with the boxer in the frame, and nobody is getting any work done. Brutal for the boxer, who owned the shot of a lifetime for about ninety seconds. Back to the day job with nothing but the story.

Mike Tyson walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. LeBron James drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! Ricky Don Sturgill of Sassafras Bottom, Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' The answer was of course that the scarf lobby got to the rules committee in 1954. Ricky Don therefore wins a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash! I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'