My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Denver Horse-Track | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | My Team | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Shaquille O'Neal. Standing at 216 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Samuel Jackson. The man is a military personnel. Yes, you heard that right. A military personnel. On a basketball court. With their service rifle in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Samuel Jackson had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. Financially, this team is operating in another dimension. The salary cap? Never heard of it. The luxury tax? Paid with a smile. The owner sold two of his yachts to fund this roster and he'd do it again tomorrow morning. Every player on this bench earns more in a week than most people do in a year, and not a single one of them is here to ride the pine. This is a team built to win NOW. Not tomorrow, not next season. Tonight.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
82-114 (L)
This franchise cornerstone Michael Jordan catches the rock early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
CaseOh forces up a scoop layup over the defense! Sometimes predictable game! Bad decision!
CaseOh, this versatile guy, gets stripped back to the basket! Heavy feet exposed!
Shaquille O'Neal lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this living legend fooled!
Kyrie Irving crosses over the towel! This guy everybody knows showing hot head!
End of the first half. Shaquille O'Neal is beet red but still standing. Fun fact: Shaquille O'Neal was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Kyrie Irving clanks another one off the rim! This elite player needs to find rhythm!
Kyrie Irving dishes but the legs won't cooperate! Tendency to force bad shots catching up!
Michael Jordan fires away into a trap! Lack of consistency when reading the defense!
Shaquille O'Neal, this certified GOAT candidate, with the frustrated foul! Hot head in tough moments!
This absolute legend Michael Jordan leaves the venue with head held high. Fought to the end.
Samuel Jackson lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Michael Jordan holds his in. I got a text from Samuel Jackson after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
131-86 (W)
Michael Jordan attacks into position! This generational talent not wasting any time!
This guy with rings on every finger Shaquille O'Neal with a picture-perfect euro-step! The crowd goes wild!
CaseOh crosses over and creates! Another assist at half court! Quarterback!
Kyrie Irving, this All-Star caliber talent, sinks a reverse layup with surgical precision at the buzzer!
Kyrie Irving, this tweener, erases the shot at the rim! Rim protector!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! CaseOh walks head down toward the tunnel. Did you know? CaseOh launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Break's over, the players take their positions.
CaseOh with the step-back fadeaway jumper! Creating space like a digital transformation consultant with their bare hands!
This All-Star caliber talent Kyrie Irving puts the exclamation point! A buzzer beater on the low block!
This max-contract guy Kyrie Irving calls for the rock but trips over the baseline! Comedy gold!
Michael Jordan, this towering presence, chest bumps the teammate! A chest bump! Pure joy!
Samuel Jackson daps up the opponent! Respect from this hidden prospect after the battle!
Kyrie Irving and Shaquille O'Neal do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
106-95 (W)
Samuel Jackson steps onto the gym! From defending the frontline to this, game time!
Michael Jordan lets fly past the defense for a devastating dunk! Size advantage from this this titan!
Samuel Jackson locks down the high post! Fortified with their service rifle!
This headliner Kyrie Irving with the one-handed bullet pass! Right on the money!
Kyrie Irving, this All-Star caliber talent, orchestrates the delay game! Iron discipline in action!
Break! Kyrie Irving grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Did you know Kyrie Irving entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
This headliner Kyrie Irving punishes the defense with an and-one at the buzzer!
Michael Jordan soaks in a Playoff atmosphere! This potential GOAT living for these moments!
Michael Jordan finds the open teammate! This all-time great making everyone better!
Kyrie Irving spins with conviction! This elite player believes tonight is the night!
This hungry young player Samuel Jackson raises the arms! The win is in the books! A slide across the hardwood!
Shaquille O'Neal dumps his Gatorade on Samuel Jackson who screams because it was cold. CaseOh piles on. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Samuel Jackson. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
105-85 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal fires up the crowd to open the game! This absolute legend starting strong!
A reverse layup from downtown by CaseOh! This tweener with the long range!
Kyrie Irving with the huge ball recovery at half court! This bonafide star says no!
Shaquille O'Neal launches the pill with precision! Assist off the pick and roll! Floor general!
Shaquille O'Neal reads the defense perfectly! Night-in night-out consistency and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Break! Michael Jordan grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Word is Michael Jordan sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Michael Jordan, this undisputed superstar, drops an off-balance shot on the low block! Pure artistry!
Samuel Jackson salutes the fans! Saluting the crowd, the military personnel signs off in style!
Samuel Jackson draws the attention! Magnetic presence, the military personnel aura is undeniable!
Kyrie Irving dishes through pain, through doubt! This multi-time All-Star transcending!
CaseOh, this smooth operator, takes the final bow! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! Dominant display!
CaseOh does the floss while Kyrie Irving spins like a top. Michael Jordan just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
116-91 (W)
Samuel Jackson opens with a tear drop! This newcomer making an early statement!
A finger roll! Shaquille O'Neal cannot be stopped tonight! This household name is locked in!
This absolute legend Shaquille O'Neal takes the charge back to the basket! Gutsy play!
Samuel Jackson orchestrates the play! Conducting the offense like a veteran military personnel!
CaseOh, this do-it-all player, exploits the mismatch in the paint! Smart play!
Break! CaseOh grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Confession: CaseOh believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
This dude out of nowhere CaseOh goes to work at the buzzer! A finger roll drops beautifully!
The halftime tribute to Samuel Jackson's military personnel journey! The frontline to an alley-oop!
Shaquille O'Neal penetrates the outlet to the young player! This living legend building the future!
They said a military personnel couldn't play at this level. Samuel Jackson and their service rifle disagree!
CaseOh leaves everything on the court! Left it all out there tonight!
Shaquille O'Neal and Michael Jordan run circles around Samuel Jackson who doesn't move. Zen. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
123-86 (W)
Kyrie Irving, this swiss-army-knife type, announced to huge cheers! A cathedral silence!
CaseOh scores at will! A floater along the baseline! This hidden prospect domination!
Kyrie Irving, this guy everybody knows, sets the table on the low block! Assist master!
CaseOh finishes with style! Years of competing the game built those hands!
Kyrie Irving with the full-court pressure! This established star making them uncomfortable!
Both teams head to the locker room. Kyrie Irving wipes his forehead with his jersey. Little secret: Kyrie Irving listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Samuel Jackson with a thunderous slam off the screen! Read that play like a textbook!
Samuel Jackson mercy-rules them! Even a military personnel wouldn't be this ruthless!
CaseOh does the victory dance at halftime! This dude out of nowhere getting ahead of themselves!
This undisputed superstar Michael Jordan holds the follow-through! A fist pump toward the bench after a fadeaway jumper!
CaseOh caps a perfect night! Clean as a digital transformation consultant on their best day!
CaseOh does a handstand. Michael Jordan holds him by the feet. The crowd holds its breath. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
88-116 (L)
Kyrie Irving looks dialed in from the start! Silky smooth technique preparation showing!
Samuel Jackson misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the frontline!
Kyrie Irving, this solid build, gets the ball poked away! Tendency to force bad shots when protecting the Spalding!
Michael Jordan, this 7-footer, lets the shooter get free on the low block! Costly lapse!
This certified GOAT candidate Michael Jordan does it again! A two-handed slam with effortless precision!
Break! Michael Jordan rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Rumor has it Michael Jordan talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Samuel Jackson, this do-it-all player, pounds the scorer's table! Limited stamina on full display!
Kyrie Irving rushes a deep three from downtown! Tendency to force bad shots creeping in!
Kyrie Irving, this certified bucket, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
This franchise cornerstone Shaquille O'Neal calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking its toll!
CaseOh absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a digital transformation consultant knows tough days!
Samuel Jackson sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Michael Jordan puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
106-95 (W)
This guy everybody knows Kyrie Irving comes out firing! A half-court heave in the first minute!
CaseOh scores the go-ahead! A digital transformation consultant who always finishes the job on time!
This franchise cornerstone Shaquille O'Neal forces the air ball with pressure! Suffocating!
Samuel Jackson pinpoints the pass off the pick and roll! Another assist for this surprise package!
Samuel Jackson makes the hockey assist! The unsung play of a military personnel behind the frontline!
Both teams head to the locker room. Michael Jordan wipes his forehead with his jersey. Locker room anecdote: Michael Jordan talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
What a play by Shaquille O'Neal! A thunderous slam in transition! This all-time great is cooking!
Michael Jordan, this towering presence, gets the standing ovation! A Finals-like atmosphere!
Shaquille O'Neal lets fly the ball with patience! This potential GOAT trusting the system!
Samuel Jackson bridges two worlds: the frontline and a thunderous slam, bound by passion!
CaseOh can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Shaquille O'Neal grabs the PA announcer's mic and shouts Kyrie Irving's name. The announcer chases him. Evening confession: I'm wearing Shaquille O'Neal's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
94-98 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal, this long boy, takes the court! The crowd fully behind them is electric!
This undisputed superstar Shaquille O'Neal erupts for a free throw! The floodgates are open!
CaseOh gambles for the steal and pays the price! Lack of consistency!
Michael Jordan rises up but the shot rims out! Occasional mental lapses rears its ugly head!
This dude out of nowhere CaseOh refuses to accept defeat! An and-one keeps hope alive!
Back to the locker room. Michael Jordan punches his locker. The staff told me Michael Jordan sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Kyrie Irving, this swiss-army-knife type, rattles out the free throw! Lack of consistency getting the best of this reliable star!
Shaquille O'Neal picks up the second technical! This undisputed superstar ejected! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Kyrie Irving attacks like a player possessed! Night-in night-out consistency unleashed!
This generational talent Michael Jordan misses the free throws! Injury-prone body at the line!
This bonafide star Kyrie Irving stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this bonafide star wanted.
Shaquille O'Neal lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Kyrie Irving holds his in. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
100-104 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal, this guy with rings on every finger, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
A devastating dunk from CaseOh! This dude out of nowhere reminding everyone why they're on top!
This absolute legend Shaquille O'Neal bites on the fake! Beaten from mid-range!
A reverse layup attempt by Michael Jordan falls short! Occasional mental lapses in the legs!
Samuel Jackson grabs the crucial rebound! That military personnel hustle never stops!
End of the first half. Samuel Jackson is beet red but still standing. Did you know? Samuel Jackson once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Samuel Jackson rises up and bricks it! Limited stamina in the extra period!
This who-is-this-guy player Samuel Jackson stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Tears in the crowd as CaseOh, the humble digital transformation consultant, delivers on a strategic timeout!
Samuel Jackson gets blocked on a clutch free throw! Rejected harder than the frontline proposals!
Shaquille O'Neal reflects on what could have been. Lack of consistency the difference tonight.
Michael Jordan scratches the back of his neck nervously. Kyrie Irving has the look of someone who has seen things. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
93-115 (L)
CaseOh announces themselves! The digital transformation consultant has arrived and the building knows it!
Shaquille O'Neal, this tree of a man, can't finish along the baseline! That one stings!
This raw talent CaseOh loses concentration and the basketball with it!
This multi-time All-Star Kyrie Irving caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
CaseOh with the highlight-reel reverse layup! This raw talent owning the moment!
Halftime! Shaquille O'Neal checks his stats on the board and winces. Did you know? Shaquille O'Neal launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Kyrie Irving, this elite player, barks at the teammate! Limited stamina taking over!
CaseOh misses at the buzzer! A digital transformation consultant who missed the deadline!
Michael Jordan, this tree of a man, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
CaseOh calls for the sub! Even a digital transformation consultant's stamina with their bare hands has limits!
CaseOh takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad digital transformation consultant day!
Shaquille O'Neal shakes Michael Jordan's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
83-123 (L)
And we're underway! Samuel Jackson touches the basketball first! This total unknown looks eager!
CaseOh forces a fadeaway jumper under the basket! This rising star trying too hard!
Shaquille O'Neal with a wild pass that sails out! This guy with rings on every finger giving it away!
Samuel Jackson scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Tendency to rush!
CaseOh storms to the bench! Heated! This digital transformation consultant doesn't handle losing well!
Break time. Kyrie Irving bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Anecdote of the day: Kyrie Irving forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Michael Jordan, this 7-footer, wastes a golden chance with a wild euro-step!
CaseOh, this smooth operator, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Shaquille O'Neal, this giant, fumbles the entry pass from way beyond the arc!
CaseOh stares in disbelief! The look of a digital transformation consultant who just lost everything!
Samuel Jackson fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the military personnel gave everything!
Samuel Jackson refuses the coach's embrace. Michael Jordan accepts it but his body is stiff. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
85-115 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal, this oversized freak, is introduced and the arena explodes! This potential GOAT is in the building!
Samuel Jackson misfires in the paint! Even this total unknown has off nights!
Michael Jordan with the errant pass! This hall-of-fame lock needs to settle down!
Michael Jordan gets caught flat-footed! This hall-of-fame lock beaten to the spot!
Samuel Jackson spins and scores! A pull-up jumper! This do-it-all player is a problem!
Halftime whistle. Kyrie Irving has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Exclusive: Kyrie Irving was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Samuel Jackson glares at the pill! Like it personally betrayed this military personnel!
This top-tier talent Kyrie Irving whiffs on a deep three! The crowd groans!
Shaquille O'Neal uses the hesitation dribble! Unreal swagger creating separation!
Samuel Jackson finds a second wind! The military personnel engine roars back to life!
Shaquille O'Neal had the chances but couldn't convert. This first-ballot legend left wanting.
CaseOh looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Shaquille O'Neal looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
92-105 (L)
This max-contract guy Kyrie Irving means business! Fast start along the baseline!
Brick! Shaquille O'Neal misfires back to the basket! Sometimes predictable game at the worst time!
Shaquille O'Neal coughs up the basketball! Tendency to rush strikes again from the left corner!
This generational talent Shaquille O'Neal picks up the cheap foul! Heavy feet showing!
CaseOh drains it! Emptying the tank like a digital transformation consultant on double shift!
Back to the locker room. Kyrie Irving's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Confession: Kyrie Irving tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Michael Jordan storms to the bench! This all-time great is visibly upset!
Shaquille O'Neal, this once-in-a-lifetime player, sends the Spalding wide! The touch is off tonight!
Samuel Jackson schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true military personnel!
CaseOh is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure digital transformation consultant stubbornness!
This basketball god Shaquille O'Neal congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this basketball god.
CaseOh leaves the court at a jog. Samuel Jackson stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
93-126 (L)
Tip-off! Michael Jordan gets us started! Let's go!
Samuel Jackson misfires on the floater! Too much float, the military personnel touch abandoned them!
Michael Jordan posts up the ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this franchise cornerstone!
CaseOh reacts too late to rotate! Tendency to force bad shots on the help side!
Shaquille O'Neal, this tree of a man, throws the hands up! Exasperated from the left corner!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Michael Jordan walks head down toward the tunnel. Confession: Michael Jordan tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Shaquille O'Neal with the contested catch-and-shoot triple at half court! No good! Bad selection!
This guy with rings on every finger Shaquille O'Neal can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Michael Jordan throws it away! Ego the size of Texas under pressure from the right corner!
Michael Jordan, this titan, sits down hard on the bench! Shaky emotions under pressure written all over his face!
Samuel Jackson sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a military personnel after their service rifle broke!
CaseOh bites the inside of his cheek. Shaquille O'Neal pinches the bridge of his nose. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
My Team ends the season #10 with a 6W-9L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season journal
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