My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

76-120 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! King Kong rips it out of the air and we are off.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ball moves. Jesus Christ to Goku, on time and on target. Superman just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Goku half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. A cruel spin-out for the farmer, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

A cut with that timing from the farmer? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. The farmer just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

Unselfish basketball. Wally West passes up a good shot and hands Superman a GREAT one. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Superman, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Coach calls everyone back. Jesus Christ drags his feet toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Jesus Christ threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Bologna! To win a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore, text HOOPS to 555-0204 and answer this question: 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the superhero, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. OHHHH that is filthy! King Kong on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Wally West lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The messiah just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. That is a forced shot from the messiah that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Wally West makes it every single trip down the floor. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Superman is gone, so King Kong earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Getting to his spot and elevating, Superman puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Clean feed from Jesus Christ, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, King Kong gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Rises, releases, and King Kong sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Watch the change of pace from Jesus Christ, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. OHHHHH FROM THE LOGO! Jesus Christ pulls up from another area code and it is PURE!

Nothing but a nod. Jesus Christ jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Detroit Engine-Roar bench looks personally insulted.

SKIP PASS! Jesus Christ fires it cross court to Wally West and the defense is dead in the water! Wally West feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. Straight through the traffic, straight through the contact. The superhero finishes with a free throw coming and the paint suddenly feels very small.

Nothing but a nod. Wally West jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Detroit Engine-Roar bench looks personally insulted.

Jesus Christ walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Goku drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game Bowling for Bologna! Faye Ellen Duckworth of Sweat Bee, Connecticut, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' The answer was of course two, and the rest are there for confidence. Faye Ellen takes home a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore! Tonight I had a revelation: Goku runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

98-124 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Push the pace! Jesus Christ grabs it and hits Goku in stride before the defense can even match up. Screened, toasted, done. Goku is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. The big man never even contested it, and Goku still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

That is the third live-ball giveaway of the half, and each one has been the same read: Jesus Christ deciding late and throwing early.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The players leave the court. Jesus Christ clings to the tunnel railing. Staff confession: Jesus Christ is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. And now, our halftime TV game show Grand Prize Giveaway Extravaganza Deluxe! To win a wood chipper rated exclusively for grass clippings, text HOOPS to 555-1263 and answer this question: 'How many people in this country are named after a basketball game?' Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

The messiah runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. You are about to see a coach put his entire face in both hands, and King Kong has earned every second of that reaction.

GET THAT OUTTA HERE! King Kong says NOT in my house! That outlet from King Kong is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. OHHHH what a FINISH from Goku! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Miami Heart-Attack again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Goku breaks a shell down. Superman drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Oh my. Goku did not even draw iron.

Jesus Christ walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. The player just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. That is a throwback bucket: King Kong with his back to the basket, and the defense has absolutely no answer for it.

Straight to the logo at center court, King Kong plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

The superhero reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Wally West put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Textbook two-man game: Jesus Christ keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Superman rolls into an open runway. Missed layup for the superhero and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

That is the second personal charged to Wally West and the bench is already staring at the clipboard. Foul trouble rewrites a rotation in a hurry. Standing ovation for the superhero on the way to the bench. Fouled out, hands on the knees, and not one regret in this building.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the messiah made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Jesus Christ nothing.

Jesus Christ collapses into the first available chair. Superman stays standing, eyes glazed over. And here is the answer to our game show Grand Prize Giveaway Extravaganza Deluxe! Ezra Bottomley of Grand Prairie Elbow, California, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many people in this country are named after a basketball game?' The answer was of course four thousand two hundred, and a suspicious number of them were born nine months after a title run. Ezra therefore wins a wood chipper rated exclusively for grass clippings! Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Jesus Christ's name. Forgive me. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

92-127 (L)

Tip is UP and King Kong gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

The player walls up like a closed door and the shot never gets home. Nine to five, and now this.

Personal foul on the superhero. Somewhere a shift is going uncovered and not one soul in this arena cares. The best defender on this floor is headed to the bench with four. Wally West goes off with his hand still up, insisting he was straight up and down.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Jesus Christ has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching King Kong precisely where the play wanted it. King Kong comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Goku just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Goku missed that one with real conviction.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Orlando Magic-Beans, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Coach calls everyone back. Goku drags his feet toward the tunnel. Confession: Goku calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Free Throws! To win a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns, text HOOPS to 555-0952 and answer this question: 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' Back at it! The players jog toward center court.

Contested! King Kong makes him change it in midair. OHHHH the speed of Superman! Nobody in this building was catching him.

Superman crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Goku mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Orlando Magic-Beans with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Jesus Christ kicks it over to Goku, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Down screen, and Goku curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. The farmer misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Somebody explain how the messiah reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. SPIN and GO! Wally West pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! That is what heavy minutes do, Wally West has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The superhero makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. The messiah just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for King Kong!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Orlando Magic-Beans with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Jesus Christ holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to King Kong flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. King Kong loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

Slow walk, no expression. King Kong backpedals past the Orlando Magic-Beans huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Court vision like that on the messiah is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. The farmer launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Wally West snaps at the bench on his way out. Goku says nothing, but his look says everything. And here is the answer to our game show Fear Factor Free Throws! Charlene Bumgarner of Hushpuppy Ridge, New Hampshire, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' The answer was of course two point six miles, all of it inside a nine foot box. Charlene therefore wins a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns! Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

93-101 (L)

King Kong times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Rejected by the scheme, not the athlete. Superman was simply standing exactly where the offense wanted to be. Superman goes up with the hands to the ceiling and the shot comes off the front rim. Textbook verticality.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Philadelphia Injury-Report, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Over the top of everybody. Goku to Jesus Christ in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. The help defender committed way too early, and Jesus Christ made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. Two defenders in the lane, Jesus Christ splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Jesus Christ does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Jesus Christ gives it up to Wally West on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Wally West has it on a string tonight.

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Wally West watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

Halftime. Jesus Christ's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Locker room anecdote: Jesus Christ talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. And now, our halftime TV game show Go Fish for Answers! To win a porch swing missing every single chain, text HOOPS to 555-0468 and answer this question: 'What is the average lifespan of a whistle used in a middle school gym?' Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Cross court, on a rope, from the farmer. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. One hard step and Jesus Christ owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Way short from Jesus Christ off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Wally West has known that all night long. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Jesus Christ passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Gift wrapped by Wally West, and Jesus Christ cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Jesus Christ drops it off to Superman on time and on target. Give and go! Superman gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Superman is walking back with both hands on his head.

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Jesus Christ pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Jesus Christ cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Wally West slips it to Superman right in the pocket. Surgical. So close. Superman can only stare at the iron.

Hold everything, they are going to the replay on Superman, and this building has stopped breathing. Brutal for the superhero, who owned the shot of a lifetime for about ninety seconds. Back to the day job with nothing but the story.

Jesus Christ stares at the floor while Wally West mutters something inaudible under his breath. And here is the answer to our game show Go Fish for Answers! Peggy Ann Winterbottom of Two Chairs, Nebraska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the average lifespan of a whistle used in a middle school gym?' The answer was of course six years, or two seasons of an especially loud coach. Peggy Ann therefore wins a porch swing missing every single chain! Evening confession: I'm wearing Jesus Christ's jersey under my shirt. For morale. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

94-128 (L)

Superman controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

The zone is set with Wally West anchoring the middle of it and there is NOWHERE to go! Lazy crosscourt pass, and Superman makes them pay. Clean pick, no whistle, two easy ones before that coach can sit back down.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Phoenix No-Defense, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Wally West just did it by hitting Jesus Christ on the back side with acres of room. Second pass beats the rotation, Jesus Christ to King Kong, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the player! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The locker room. King Kong sprawls out full-length on the bench. Did you know? King Kong has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feudal! To win a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage, text HOOPS to 555-0263 and answer this question: 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.

PICKED HIS POCKET! Goku jumps the passing lane and he is GONE the other way! One hand, full court, Goku hits Jesus Christ in stride and the crowd is already up. Jesus Christ attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Jesus Christ pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Phoenix No-Defense with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

This is the possession the entire scouting report warned about, and Wally West is licking his chops. Head down, no read, no plan. Wally West bulldozes the help defender and gives away a possession for absolutely nothing.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

No hero ball here: Goku takes what the defense gives and moves it along. A full spin move through traffic from the superhero! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Superman beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Jesus Christ. A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Jesus Christ do that to one of their own.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

There is nothing accidental about that one. Wally West hunted the contact, sold it, and bought himself a trip to the stripe. The superhero just airballed a FREE THROW, and somewhere a group chat has already saved that clip forever.

The whistle blows, Superman throws his hands up in protest, and the replay is going to make that argument very short.

The longer they stay at that monitor, the louder this place gets, and Jesus Christ is refusing to look at the big screen. Cold, clinical, and correct. That monitor just took everything from Jesus Christ.

Superman slams his fist on the bench. Jesus Christ places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. And here is the answer to our game Family Feudal! Randy Dinkins of Sockburn, Ohio, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The answer was of course still yellow, but it means something different. Randy takes home a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage! Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

74-118 (L)

King Kong reads it two passes early, steps into the gap and takes away the entire lane before anybody gets there. The shooter saw King Kong rising into his eyeline, rushed the release, and caught nothing but the side of the rim.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

One little shoulder dip from Jesus Christ and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Clang. Jesus Christ wants that one back.

That is the shot Goku wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth. Hustle play of the night so far. Goku gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. The extra pass! Goku had the look, gave it up anyway, and King Kong buries it. BANG! Range like that bends a defense completely out of shape, and King Kong keeps proving the arc is only a suggestion.

King Kong does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Wally West that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Goku eats the contact so Jesus Christ can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. REJECTED! Jesus Christ takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

Halftime. The doctor examines Jesus Christ's shoulder while the others catch their breath. The staff told me Jesus Christ sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Bologna! To win a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore, text HOOPS to 555-0204 and answer this question: 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.

That is a foot speed problem. Superman keeps grabbing instead of sliding, and in this league that gets your coach a miserable night.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Jesus Christ gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Goku saw it a beat early. GONE down the baseline! Jesus Christ beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Prayer from Jesus Christ. Not answered.

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Kick out to Jesus Christ, one more to Goku, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Goku has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Los Angeles Nursing-Home again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Closeout from Jesus Christ like a man chasing a bus. Late, out of control, and right into the shooter's landing space. The messiah sits down with four. You want to be furious, but honestly, he came here straight off a full shift.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Jesus Christ comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Perfect drop-off from Wally West, and Jesus Christ answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

First option: Jesus Christ. Everything else on that clipboard is decoration. Coach spent a timeout on a play for the superhero and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

Superman runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

Superman is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Wally West waits at the tunnel entrance. And here is the answer to our game Bowling for Bologna! Faye Ellen Duckworth of Sweat Bee, Connecticut, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' The answer was of course two, and the rest are there for confidence. Faye Ellen takes home a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore! On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Wally West. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

86-128 (L)

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Goku does. Rising into two defenders, Goku launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

Laser from Goku, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Watch the sell from King Kong here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and King Kong has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Jesus Christ controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The beauty of it is that Wally West never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Jab, jab, STEPBACK. Jesus Christ snatched his ankles and let it go clean.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Rest. King Kong buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Confession: King Kong tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. And now, our halftime TV game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! To win a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0759 and answer this question: 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.

Nobody on earth enjoys taking a charge, which is exactly why Superman keeps doing it and keeps swinging games.

Set called, Goku waved out to the corner, and Jesus Christ watches the spacing open up like a front door. The farmer just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the farmer! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Wally West threw it before the help even committed. They do not teach that in the player handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Superman rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, Jesus Christ drops it off perfectly for Goku diving to the rim. Baseline drive by Goku, he absorbs the hammer from the help defender, and the official is already pointing to the line. Both knocked down without the slightest wobble. Free throws are just a shift on the clock, and the farmer punched in on time.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Total control. Jesus Christ has this thing on a string. Full stop, full sprint, and the superhero is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Wally West threads a BEAUTY to Superman under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The defender planted his feet, and Jesus Christ said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Two hands on the ball, then a fresh bounce. Somewhere a youth coach is watching the messiah and quietly turning off the TV.

Superman forces a contested fadeaway with a hand in his face, front rim, and the drought rolls on. Shot clock at one, and Superman just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Superman stares at the floor while King Kong mutters something inaudible under his breath. And here is the answer to our game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! Elmer Sizemore of Wet Sock, Louisiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' The answer was of course ninety four degrees near the fan and ninety six everywhere else. Elmer therefore wins a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers! Behind the scenes, I learned King Kong was also a messiah in a past life. You can feel it in the game. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

76-117 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Superman winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Hesitate, GO. Jesus Christ is by that hip before the man even blinks. DOUBLE DRIBBLE! Jesus Christ picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The messiah is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. The farmer pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. AIRBALL! King Kong missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

The superhero got tossed for scrapping under the basket. Deal with the public all week long and eventually somebody catches a piece of it.

The players file out. Goku exchanges a tense look with the coach. Little scoop: Goku collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares Off! To win a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards, text HOOPS to 555-0431 and answer this question: 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.

Third reach charged to Goku. At some point the officials stop giving you the benefit of the doubt, and that point was two whistles ago. That is number THREE on Goku, and we have not even reached the half.

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Awful shot by Jesus Christ with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing. Nobody put a body on Superman and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. That is pure want-to: Superman was the only man on the floor who decided that rebound belonged to him.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Minnesota Ice-Wall with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

A single dribble is all Wally West needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. That is the shot chart lying to you. Wally West did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Wally West launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. OHHHH the pin-down! King Kong pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Jesus Christ. Brutal. Textbook footwork, textbook release from King Kong, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Goku has known that all night long. Baseline spin from King Kong at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. The player just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

Goku grabs him before the ball even crosses half court. Intentional, obvious, and completely necessary.

Jesus Christ refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Goku watches it and immediately regrets it. And here is the answer to our game show Hollywood Squares Off! Harlan Prewitt of Muddy Boot, Mississippi, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' The answer was of course that they are showing off for the ceiling. Harlan therefore wins a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards! Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

84-128 (L)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Watch King Kong plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Goku out of that corner in a blink. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Goku rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Goku sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Houston Blast-Off bench does not find it funny. Wally West pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Take fouls are a coaching decision, but never that one. Jesus Christ fouled in the open floor with nothing to protect, and the scoreboard is about to punish him for it.

Houston Blast-Off again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Heading in. Wally West's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Juicy intel: Wally West turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. And now, our halftime TV game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! To win a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn, text HOOPS to 555-0629 and answer this question: 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.

The messiah puts a shoulder into the ball handler and pays for it. He spends all day being polite to strangers and now he is hacking people for a living.

Two defenders, one gap, and Goku finds it. Onions on that pass. Count them with me: one step, two steps, and a third one nobody asked for. The official has seen enough of Superman.

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Jesus Christ stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. The messiah just fired one in from the logo and the roof nearly came off this place. That is in nobody's job description.

Pointing up at the family section, Jesus Christ taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

Cheap. Nothing about that shot was going down, and Wally West handed over three freebies anyway. FOUR on Wally West! Grab a towel, that is the bench for a while.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Jesus Christ already has the defense a full step behind. A cut with that timing from the superhero? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Wally West, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Ejection for the superhero. Forty hours a week of keeping it together, and it all came apart in one swing under the rim.

Watch the spacing there, Goku hits Jesus Christ right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. They do not teach that in the messiah handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Pull-up from the elbow by King Kong, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Jesus Christ the moment he crosses half court. Jesus Christ fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Jesus Christ punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Goku slides down the wall to the floor. And here is the answer to our game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! Junior Applewhite of Gravy Bend, South Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' The answer was of course always 4:17, a time that has never done anybody any good. Junior therefore wins a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn! Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

86-122 (L)

Textbook two three with King Kong manning the back line, and they have not seen a clean look in three trips. Hands like that on the player? Whatever he does all day, by night he is robbing people blind.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Jesus Christ has known that all night long. The superhero runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Down, up, and gone for Wally West. The rim is just toying with him now.

Wally West gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Goku saw it a beat early. Right idea, no zip on it, and at this level Wally West either puts some heat on that ball or he keeps it in his hands.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The locker room. Goku sprawls out full-length on the bench. Did you know Goku knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Denver Horse-Track's colors. By accident, obviously. And now, our halftime TV game show Last Call Bingo! To win a lifetime pass to a museum of regional soil, text HOOPS to 555-0150 and answer this question: 'How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a scoreboard?' Back at it! The players jog toward center court.

Dribble handoff from Jesus Christ, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Getting to his spot and elevating, King Kong puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Cold blooded from Denver Horse-Track, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Jesus Christ drops it off to Goku on time and on target. Goku attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! OHHHHH POSTERIZED! Goku just ENDED that defender at the rim!

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Body to body all the way to the rim and the arm goes up. That is on King Kong, and this crew is not letting anything go tonight. The table confirms it, sixth personal on King Kong, disqualified, and the boos are pouring down from the visiting section.

A cut with that timing from the farmer? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Rising up out of the corner, Goku sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Personal foul on the farmer. Somewhere a shift is going uncovered and not one soul in this arena cares.

The farmer pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Goku builds the whole thing from nothing. No screen, no help, three points.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Standing in the lane like the superhero is waiting on a bus that is never coming. Whistle blows, ball goes the other way.

Superman sits on the floor in the hallway. Goku sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. And here is the answer to our game Last Call Bingo! Leon Poteet of Fence Post, Hawaii, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a scoreboard?' The answer was of course four, plus one man who insists he could have done it alone. Leon takes home a lifetime pass to a museum of regional soil! On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Goku. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

85-130 (L)

Laser from Wally West, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The player just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! BRICK! Jesus Christ throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Jesus Christ already has the defense a full step behind. The superhero takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. The superhero just created that shot from scratch and drained it. Not bad for somebody clocking in at a real job tomorrow morning.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Swing, swing, and Jesus Christ finds Superman on the wing before the help can even turn its head. STOP AND GO! Superman hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Getting to his spot and elevating, Superman puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Halftime! Goku walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Anecdote: Goku threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Winding Down! To win a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it, text HOOPS to 555-0509 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.

A scoreless four minutes and counting. The superhero is finding out the hard way that this league punishes tired legs. Buzzer on the shot clock, Goku heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Full stop, full sprint, and the messiah is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Up goes the shot from Jesus Christ and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Watch the spacing there, Jesus Christ hits Superman right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The superhero just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Off the back iron for Superman, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The farmer just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! The farmer spots up in the corner and drills it like it is nothing. Somewhere a shooting coach is crying tears of joy.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Goku never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The bench has completely lost its mind over the superhero! There are lifers in this league who never get a reaction like that. He had a clear runway, he had two steps of daylight, and Goku took it all away anyway.

Over the top of everybody. Goku to King Kong in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. A cut with that timing from the player? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. No touch. King Kong left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Ball moves. Wally West to King Kong, on time and on target. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and King Kong gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. The crowd has found its chant, and Goku is going to be hearing it all night.

Jesus Christ whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Goku nods without conviction. And here is the answer to our game show Match Game Winding Down! Georgette Blalock of Little Persimmon, North Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' The answer was of course the regret, by about eleven minutes. Georgette therefore wins a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it! Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

83-127 (L)

Won it clean! Superman got up and over him with room to spare.

Straight down the baseline goes the superhero! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Straight back to the office for the superhero, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

No hero ball here: Wally West takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Straight up the elevator shaft! Goku goes and gets it above the square, and this building is shaking.

Chest bump so violent that Goku and Jesus Christ both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Cleveland Twin-Towers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Halftime. The doctor examines Wally West's shoulder while the others catch their breath. I've been told Wally West always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show Spin the Wheel Slowly! To win a coffee table book about drainage ditches of the Midwest, text HOOPS to 555-1159 and answer this question: 'How many seconds does it take to lose a lead of thirty points?' Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

Screen, pop, SPLASH! Jesus Christ kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Fifth possession this half where King Kong has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Towels are FLYING for the farmer! Going back to the day job on Monday is going to feel extremely strange after a night like this. The superhero just blocked a jump shot into the stands and went back on defense like it was a normal Tuesday.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

That was a deliberate technical. The coach hated what happened to Wally West, he wanted it on the record, and one point is his price.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Somebody explain how the messiah reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to superhero the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Jesus Christ!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Watch the spacing there, Goku hits Jesus Christ right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. OHHHH the pin-down! Jesus Christ pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Goku. Brutal. POCKET PASS! Jesus Christ threads it to Goku between two bodies and the rim is wide open! The farmer just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Goku keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

Swing, swing, and Jesus Christ finds Goku on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Jesus Christ eats the contact so Goku can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Goku went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Take the foul, live with whatever happens at the line. Superman clamps down on the ball handler and the whistle does the rest.

Superman walks in slow motion, arms dangling. King Kong speeds up. Wants it to be over. And here is the answer to our game show Spin the Wheel Slowly! Elouise Tackett of Chigger Bottom, Massachusetts, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many seconds does it take to lose a lead of thirty points?' The answer was of course four hundred and ten seconds, provided everybody cooperates. Elouise therefore wins a coffee table book about drainage ditches of the Midwest! Tonight I had a revelation: King Kong runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

83-127 (L)

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The messiah just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Goku rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. The farmer had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

The farmer takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. ONIONS from Goku! He saw the hit coming and went up into it anyway. Two for two from the farmer, calm as a Tuesday afternoon. Whatever that job involves all day, it clearly builds very steady hands.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The player got moved off the block like a folding chair. That is a grown man's job down there.

Halftime! King Kong checks his stats on the board and winces. Rumor has it King Kong tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". And now, our halftime TV game show The Joker Is Wild and Unlicensed! To win a mesh trucker hat that says WORLDS OKAYEST UNCLE, text HOOPS to 555-0584 and answer this question: 'What is the name of the guy who mops the floor between timeouts?' Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

A full technical foul over the superhero! The coach has lost his mind, the bench is delighted, and the crowd is eating it up.

Push the pace! Jesus Christ grabs it and hits Goku in stride before the defense can even match up. Oldest play in the book, and Goku runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. The player gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Somebody explain how the messiah reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Superman crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Superman fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Goku dribbles it out at the top of the key and never even looks at the basket.

BAAAANG! Ten straight for Wally West and this place is a volcano! Timeouts are currency in the fourth quarter and they just spent one early. Superman cost them a possession they will want back.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Five bodies moving as one, Wally West barking out every rotation, and there is not a crack anywhere in this thing. He tried to rise over King Kong. That was a mistake, and the ball is now several rows deep.

The coach just drew up the biggest play of the night for the player, a sentence I did not expect to say out loud this evening. Drawn up in the huddle, executed by the player, who clocks in somewhere else on Monday morning. Perfect.

Superman bites the inside of his cheek. Goku pinches the bridge of his nose. And here is the answer to our game show The Joker Is Wild and Unlicensed! Buford Tanksley of Sour Lake Bottom, Texas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the name of the guy who mops the floor between timeouts?' The answer was of course that his name is also Gary, which raises further questions. Buford therefore wins a mesh trucker hat that says WORLDS OKAYEST UNCLE! I learned tonight that Superman used to be a messiah. That explains the unique running style. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

76-121 (L)

The player just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Another board lost, and the player is finding out that boxing out never came up in the training manual.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Goku keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. The farmer baits the contact, gets the whistle, and struts to the line like a ten-year pro. His boss is watching this and quietly rethinking next week's schedule. This is exactly why the coach wants the ball in his hands late. Goku has been money at that line all season long.

Blowing smoke off two fingers like a gunslinger, Goku holsters them in his waistband. King Kong plays dead on the baseline. The mascot joins the bit uninvited. A referee has to physically separate a celebration from an inbound play.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Goku pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Goku should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Time to breathe. Goku has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Did you know Goku once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares Off! To win a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards, text HOOPS to 555-0431 and answer this question: 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Under review. Goku does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. The bench behind Goku is going crazy, and it should be, that is a stolen possession without stealing anything.

Watch the spacing there, Goku hits King Kong right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. OHHHH the separation! King Kong just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. BANG is what King Kong was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Wally West has known that all night long. The farmer turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Oh my. Goku did not even draw iron.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. That is vision. Goku sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. King Kong had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Jesus Christ controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. King Kong just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Wally West half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Long and gone. Wally West floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Two decoy screens, a flare to the weak side, then King Kong coming off the second one. That is the whole thing. Coach spent a timeout on a play for the player and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

King Kong mutters 'damn' under his breath. Superman says 'yeah' in the same tone. And here is the answer to our game show Hollywood Squares Off! Harlan Prewitt of Muddy Boot, Mississippi, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' The answer was of course that they are showing off for the ceiling. Harlan therefore wins a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards! Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

89-134 (L)

The referee tosses it high and King Kong rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

OHHHH the hesi! Jesus Christ froze him solid and he is already gone! Jesus Christ went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Hesitate, GO. Goku is by that hip before the man even blinks. The farmer gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! King Kong walks head down toward the tunnel. Fun fact: King Kong tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. And now, our halftime TV game show Whistle While You Guess! To win a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby, text HOOPS to 555-1291 and answer this question: 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.

Court vision like that on the farmer is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Wally West grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to messiah the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Blocked into the floor. King Kong will be seeing that one in his sleep.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Goku makes it every single trip down the floor. The superhero just caught a lob at the top of the rim and hammered it! That is nowhere in the job description!

Straight to the logo at center court, Wally West plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on Wally West. Foul trouble is a chess match and Wally West just lost a piece. Three before the break changes how this team defends the pick and roll.

The farmer makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Wally West the moment he crosses half court. Down, up, and gone for Wally West. The rim is just toying with him now.

The farmer just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Goku rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Wally West just did it by hitting Superman on the back side with acres of room. Off the pin-down comes the superhero with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Superman blows the wide open layup!

King Kong scratches the back of his neck nervously. Superman has the look of someone who has seen things. And here is the answer to our game show Whistle While You Guess! Wilma Jean Puckett of Sorghum Switch, Kansas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' The answer was of course exactly 1,412 times, and 1,413 if the arena air conditioning is broken. Wilma Jean therefore wins a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby! I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'