My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Benjamin Netanyahu. Standing at 184 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Joe Biden. The man is a university professor. Yes, you heard that right. A university professor. On a basketball court. With their lecture notes in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Joe Biden had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
87-131 (L)
Donald Trump, this smooth operator, is introduced and the arena explodes! This living legend is in the building!
Kim Jong-un, this compact dynamo, can't finish from the right corner! That one stings!
Joe Biden trips up in the low post! A university professor never trips at work... Right?
Barack Obama watches helplessly! A community organizer watching the neighborhood fall off the shelf!
Kim Jong-un walks away muttering! Muttering about the public policy under their breath!
Halftime. Donald Trump wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Rumor has it Donald Trump talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
A step-back three from Barack Obama goes in and out! Heartbreaking from the right corner!
Joe Biden drags their feet! Heavy as their lecture notes at the end of a shift!
Benjamin Netanyahu turns it over during crunch time! A military personnel dropping their service rifle at the worst time!
Joe Biden, this swiss-army-knife type, pounds the scorer's table! Limited stamina on full display!
Kim Jong-un had the chances but couldn't convert. This franchise cornerstone left wanting.
Donald Trump looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Joe Biden looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
81-125 (L)
Benjamin Netanyahu fires up the crowd to open the game! This certified GOAT candidate starting strong!
Joe Biden dishes but the shot rims out! Occasional mental lapses rears its ugly head!
Kim Jong-un throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the politician got too confident!
Joe Biden gets caught flat-footed! This generational talent beaten to the spot!
This household name Benjamin Netanyahu shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
That's a wrap for now. Kim Jong-un dives into the tunnel. Juicy anecdote: Kim Jong-un was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Barack Obama takes a tough bucket and it doesn't go! Hot head in shot selection!
Kim Jong-un is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure politician stubbornness!
Donald Trump botches the handoff! Even their portfolio ledger exchanges go smoother!
Kim Jong-un picks up the second technical! This absolute legend ejected! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Barack Obama tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we rallies better, like the neighborhood!'
Barack Obama rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Joe Biden picks up his own and folds it carefully. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
92-128 (L)
Game time! Benjamin Netanyahu and this basketball god ready to put on a show at the gym!
Joe Biden fires away but it's well off! Occasional mental lapses under fatigue!
Kim Jong-un loses the orange! A politician would never be this careless!
Kim Jong-un gets blown by! Even a politician couldn't stop that!
Joe Biden buries their face! Hidden from view, the university professor can't watch!
Rest time. Donald Trump isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Did you know? Donald Trump once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Kim Jong-un launches a bucket and... Airball! Tendency to rush at its peak!
Joe Biden stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a university professor over the young scholars!
Joe Biden loses possession! The young scholars never leaves a university professor's hands like that!
Benjamin Netanyahu, this first-ballot legend, barks at the teammate! Tendency to rush taking over!
Barack Obama refuses to make excuses! A community organizer owns the neighborhood failures too!
Kim Jong-un watches the crowd file out in silence. Donald Trump prefers not to look. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
78-117 (L)
Joe Biden stretches center court! Loosening up, the university professor is getting ready!
Barack Obama shanks it from the low post! Rallying the neighborhood uses different muscles!
Kim Jong-un dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the politician's finest moment!
Barack Obama gets crossed over! This all-time great left frozen from the left corner!
Barack Obama glares at the damn ball! Like it personally betrayed this community organizer!
That's a cut. Barack Obama stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. They say Barack Obama eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Barack Obama misfires from downtown! Their bullhorn calibration needed!
Kim Jong-un short-arms the shot from fatigue! This global icon has nothing left!
Donald Trump forces the pass! Forcing their portfolio ledger where it doesn't fit!
This living legend Joe Biden can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Kim Jong-un walks off in defeat! Even a politician's skills couldn't save tonight!
Joe Biden mutters 'damn' under his breath. Kim Jong-un says 'yeah' in the same tone. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
78-123 (L)
Barack Obama steps onto the temple of basketball! From rallying the neighborhood to this, game time!
Kim Jong-un rattles it out! Shaking the hardwood with their campaign podium intensity!
Donald Trump double-dribbles! Bankrolling the next venture doesn't have that rule!
Donald Trump fouls trying to recover! Desperate as an investor chasing the next venture!
Kim Jong-un steps back and kicks the stanchion! This basketball god losing composure!
Cut! Halftime. Kim Jong-un's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Did you know Kim Jong-un knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Phoenix No-Defense's colors. By accident, obviously. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Donald Trump skips it off the rim! The next venture has better hop than that!
Joe Biden, this guy with rings on every finger, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
This generational talent Kim Jong-un loses concentration and the pill with it!
Donald Trump waves off the play! The authority of an investor in that gesture!
Benjamin Netanyahu fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the military personnel gave everything!
Benjamin Netanyahu shakes Donald Trump's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Benjamin Netanyahu's name. Forgive me. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
90-134 (L)
Benjamin Netanyahu, this once-in-a-lifetime player, embraces the incredible energy! Game on!
Benjamin Netanyahu can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this undisputed superstar!
Kim Jong-un, this little guy, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted in transition!
Joe Biden gets posterized! A university professor framed by their lecture notes in the worst way!
Kim Jong-un vents at their teammates! The politician who vents about the public policy!
Halftime whistle! Barack Obama slides down against the hallway wall. Did you know Barack Obama once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Kim Jong-un forces a bad euro-step! This living legend needs to trust teammates!
Benjamin Netanyahu mops their face! Sweating more than when defending the frontline!
Donald Trump, this all-around player, gets called for the carry! Occasional mental lapses in ball-handling!
Joe Biden argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to challenging the young scholars!
Benjamin Netanyahu sits alone on the bench. This first-ballot legend processing the defeat.
Donald Trump presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Kim Jong-un walks right past without noticing. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
83-125 (L)
Kim Jong-un huddles with the team! Huddling up, the politician strategizes!
Kim Jong-un shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a politician would cringe!
Benjamin Netanyahu gets picked! A military personnel getting the frontline stolen in broad daylight!
This hall-of-fame lock Joe Biden fouls reaching in! Defense that's basically a suggestion on defense!
Benjamin Netanyahu glares at the scoreboard! This franchise cornerstone not happy with the situation!
The players disappear. Joe Biden has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Did you know? Joe Biden once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Kim Jong-un launches and misses! The leather isn't the public policy, and it shows!
Benjamin Netanyahu is running on fumes! The military personnel tank is completely empty!
Barack Obama, this all-around player, gets the ball poked away! Injury-prone body when protecting the Spalding!
Joe Biden gets a technical for complaining! Heavy feet on full display!
Joe Biden sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a university professor after their lecture notes broke!
Joe Biden leaves the court at a jog. Benjamin Netanyahu stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
88-132 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger Donald Trump comes out aggressive! Opens with a layup along the baseline!
Donald Trump sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this investor!
Kim Jong-un tries to be too fancy and loses the damn ball! Shaky emotions under pressure in the decision-making!
Benjamin Netanyahu, this all-around player, can't keep up with the speed! Heavy feet exposed!
Kim Jong-un sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a politician after a long shift!
Break. Donald Trump collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. They say Donald Trump has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Donald Trump bricks it! Not the same accuracy as bankrolling the next venture!
Kim Jong-un can barely run! The contest harder than the contest of shaping the public policy!
Stolen from Benjamin Netanyahu! A military personnel who let it slip through their fingers!
Joe Biden stares in disbelief! The look of a university professor who just lost everything!
Benjamin Netanyahu, this living legend, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Joe Biden scratches the back of his neck nervously. Benjamin Netanyahu has the look of someone who has seen things. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
84-128 (L)
This generational talent Donald Trump means business! Fast start on the low block!
Donald Trump just barely misses! Close as an investor getting the next venture almost right!
Donald Trump, this versatile guy, gets stripped along the baseline! Injury-prone body exposed!
Benjamin Netanyahu gets screened out! Stuck behind their service rifle like it's a wall!
Barack Obama, this solid build, sits down hard on the bench! Defense that's basically a suggestion written all over his face!
Well-deserved break. Benjamin Netanyahu looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Fun fact: Benjamin Netanyahu tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Joe Biden misfires on the floater! Too much float, the university professor touch abandoned them!
Barack Obama takes the rest play! Even a community organizer needs a breather!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Donald Trump with turnover number lengths ahead! Sometimes predictable game is piling up!
Barack Obama mutters to himself walking back! This all-time great fighting inner demons!
Kim Jong-un takes the loss hard! Hard as the public policy on a bad politician day!
Barack Obama stares at the floor while Joe Biden mutters something inaudible under his breath. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
88-132 (L)
And we're underway! Benjamin Netanyahu touches the rock first! This living legend looks eager!
A step-back three from Joe Biden hits the iron! Lack of consistency under the spotlight!
Benjamin Netanyahu commits the live-ball turnover! Their service rifle would be ashamed!
Barack Obama gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a community organizer's worst day on the job!
Benjamin Netanyahu drops the head after another miss! Hot head sapping the confidence!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Kim Jong-un walks head down toward the tunnel. Intel: Kim Jong-un asked Denver Horse-Track for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Barack Obama, this swiss-army-knife type, loses the handle and the opportunity! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Kim Jong-un finds a second wind! The politician engine roars back to life!
Donald Trump loses the leather in traffic! This global icon can't afford that!
Donald Trump, this franchise cornerstone, yells at the coaching staff! Hot head causing friction!
Joe Biden gave it everything! Everything a university professor has, left on the court!
Kim Jong-un's complexion is grey. Donald Trump's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. I got a text from Kim Jong-un after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
90-134 (L)
Donald Trump, this first-ballot legend, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Kim Jong-un, this certified GOAT candidate, comes up empty! A buzzer beater off target from way beyond the arc!
Benjamin Netanyahu with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the frontline!
Donald Trump lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this hall-of-fame lock fooled!
Donald Trump slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an investor hits the workbench!
Time to breathe. Donald Trump has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Did you know Donald Trump plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Joe Biden lets fly the damn ball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This franchise cornerstone Barack Obama can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Sloppy handling by Kim Jong-un! Shaping the public policy is done with more finesse!
Kim Jong-un mouths off on a clutch free throw! A politician venting about the public policy!
Joe Biden shakes hands through the pain! A university professor who respects their lecture notes and the game!
Joe Biden mutters 'damn' under his breath. Kim Jong-un says 'yeah' in the same tone. Evening confession: I'm wearing Joe Biden's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
87-131 (L)
Kim Jong-un bounces the leather pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Barack Obama misses the layup! Even the neighborhood would have gone in easier!
Benjamin Netanyahu throws it away! Lack of consistency under pressure under the basket!
This first-ballot legend Benjamin Netanyahu commits the and-one foul! Limited stamina in positioning!
Donald Trump slams the orange in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!
Halftime. Kim Jong-un's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Juicy intel: Kim Jong-un turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Joe Biden, this absolute legend, with a contested bucket that misses from the left corner!
Barack Obama jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for rallying the neighborhood tomorrow!
Turnover by Barack Obama! Rallying the neighborhood requires less coordination, clearly!
This generational talent Joe Biden gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Barack Obama vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bullhorn reinforced with the neighborhood!
Kim Jong-un's lip is trembling. Donald Trump dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
76-121 (L)
Joe Biden launches onto the floor! The crowd roars for this potential GOAT!
Joe Biden, this tweener, gets the separation but can't finish! Heavy feet!
Intercepted! Kim Jong-un's pass snatched right out of the air! A politician would never be that careless!
Barack Obama beaten to the spot! Slower than a community organizer on a Monday morning!
Joe Biden looks to the heavens! A university professor praying for their lecture notes to work!
The players head in. Kim Jong-un slips on the wet tunnel floor. Intel: Kim Jong-un once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Air ball from Benjamin Netanyahu! Being a military personnel doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Benjamin Netanyahu grabs the shorts! This global icon is running on fumes!
This hall-of-fame lock Joe Biden with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Benjamin Netanyahu tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the military personnel will bounce back!
Barack Obama hangs their head! A community organizer who gave everything they had!
Donald Trump unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Benjamin Netanyahu runs a hand down his face. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
80-124 (L)
Barack Obama gets the starting nod! A community organizer starting with their bullhorn confidence!
Benjamin Netanyahu can't buy a bucket! Maybe the frontline would be easier to aim!
Barack Obama shoots into a trap! Defense that's basically a suggestion when reading the defense!
Barack Obama left in the dust! Even a community organizer moves faster than that!
This absolute legend Kim Jong-un fouls hard out of frustration! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Halftime. Joe Biden is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. They say Joe Biden eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Joe Biden rushes a bank shot at the top of the key! Sometimes predictable game creeping in!
Barack Obama labors up the court! Trudging like a community organizer dragging the neighborhood!
Joe Biden, this all-around player, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
Joe Biden storms to the bench! Heated! This university professor doesn't handle losing well!
Despite the loss, Kim Jong-un held their own with the public policy! The politician fought!
Donald Trump clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Joe Biden fidgets with his wristband nervously. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-128 (L)
This generational talent Barack Obama gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Donald Trump sends it wide! Their portfolio ledger wouldn't forgive that either!
This basketball god Kim Jong-un gets pickpocketed from the right corner! Sloppy handling!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Donald Trump picks up the cheap foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
Joe Biden, this potential GOAT, refuses to high-five! Sometimes predictable game hurting the chemistry!
Back in the locker room, Benjamin Netanyahu sits down and stares at the ceiling. Bus driver's confession: Benjamin Netanyahu raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Benjamin Netanyahu fires a brick at half court! Way off, even for a military personnel!
Donald Trump, this living legend, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Barack Obama charges right into the defender! Turnover! Injury-prone body when controlling pace!
Barack Obama throws their hands up! Like a community organizer when their bullhorn breaks!
Donald Trump leaves the den quietly! Quiet as an investor after the next venture setback!
Kim Jong-un's eyes are red, jaw tight. Donald Trump apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Benjamin Netanyahu.
Season journal
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