My dream soccer team — football_team 🇨🇦

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Superb defensive work from Bronson Rechsteiner there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Bronson Rechsteiner catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. The professional wrestler places his shot to perfection on the cross from Iyo Sky, GOOOOAL! In that position, that finesse in the foot is pure gold.

The pile at the corner flag. Bronson Rechsteiner is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Omos arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Vince McMahon picks it up in his own half and charges forward on his own, he beats two on the way! Absolutely appalling challenge from Vince McMahon on the attacker. The stadium erupts in anger. The professional wrestling promoter is booked for dangerous play. In that position, a yellow card can be devastating. The wall is impenetrable! Vince McMahon's free kick is blocked straight away.

Iyo Sky tries a moment of genius and it comes off, the defender is nailed to the floor. Standing ovation. Iyo Sky charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Cross far too long from Iyo Sky, the ball bypasses everyone and goes out by the far post.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Effort from Randy Orton, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way. Omos plays it short to Iyo Sky, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

Absolutely dreadful! Paris Saint-Glinglin score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Omos climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Iyo Sky films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Iyo Sky. And you, Vince McMahon. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Local pub quiz teams live in fear of Randy Orton, whose knowledge of 90s one-hit wonders is described as encyclopaedic. The 46-year-old has been asked to stop attending because nobody else can win. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0898 and answer this question: 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?' Here come the lads. Iyo Sky jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Solo run from Nathan Frazer, he drives up the pitch at full speed, beating everyone in sight. Nathan Frazer sends Bronson Rechsteiner into space with a pass weighted to the centimetre. The fullback is nowhere. The professional wrestler is flagged offside by a whisker on Oba Femi's ball, agonising decision. Omos plays it along the ground to Vince McMahon, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

The professional wrestler goes for the short corner to Randy Orton, great vision. In that position, having the awareness to build rather than force it makes you stand out. Short pass from the wrestler to Drew McIntyre, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The professional wrestler lays it off first time to Randy Orton, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Randy Orton swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Vince McMahon, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision.

Nathan Frazer sets it for Seth Rollins, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. The professional wrestler plays the one-two with Bobby Lashley and finds himself through. When you have got that understanding on the pitch, you cause havoc. Seth Rollins is caught offside from Vince McMahon's through ball. Flag goes up straight away. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken.

The professional wrestler plays the free kick short instead of shooting. In that position, that kind of reading of the game at set pieces is pure football IQ. Strike from Drew McIntyre that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. The cross from the professional wrestler ends up in the keeper's gloves. It happens to the best, but it is frustrating in that position.

Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Bronson Rechsteiner triggers a change of flanks for Randy Orton, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Randy Orton lays it off first time to Bronson Rechsteiner, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely.

The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Brock Lesnar blocks the run of the opponent, uses the body well but the ref says no.

Level at the final whistle. Iyo Sky and Omos walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?'. The answer was of course Biscuitgrad, which only appears on maps printed during bank holidays. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-1 (L)

The professional wrestler slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. GOOOOAL from Seth Rollins! BLISTERING strike that ends top corner, the keeper is on the deck!

Rehearsed move all week: Bronson Rechsteiner and Iyo Sky stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Omos plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Powerful run from Drew McIntyre down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Drew McIntyre flings himself into the box. The only thing that touched him was the grass. Yellow for Drew McIntyre, what a joke of a dive, the ref was standing two yards away. Drew McIntyre sends the free kick in front of goal, Oba Femi leaps to try the header.

Bobby Lashley finds Brock Lesnar between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. The mixed martial arts fighter reads the movement before anyone else and puts Vince McMahon into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. The professional wrestling promoter plays it simple to Oba Femi, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Oba Femi picks out Vince McMahon with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

Corner from Vince McMahon, Brock Lesnar jumps highest but his header flies over the bar. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Rapid combination: Seth Rollins to Randy Orton, the ball barely touches the grass between them.

Short free kick played by Iyo Sky, Brock Lesnar receives at the edge of the box after the one-two. Driven cross from Brock Lesnar into the box, Vince McMahon arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. Cross blocked from the professional wrestling promoter by the defence. The defender anticipated it, that is the eternal battle between the flank and the back line. Bronson Rechsteiner aims the corner to the back post but it is headed clear by the defence. Switch from Vince McMahon! The ball arcs over the midfield and Randy Orton collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

Brock Lesnar paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Brock Lesnar exhales and sits. Quite remarkable — Omos got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 34 years old. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5566 and answer this question: 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Bobby Lashley picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. The professional wrestler trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. Bronson Rechsteiner combines with Nathan Frazer from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation. Body feint from Nathan Frazer, the defender goes the wrong way, that is cruel. Wide from the professional wrestler! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in.

GOAAAL! México No-Era-Penal score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

'I told you so' mode. Omos eyeballs the México No-Era-Penal bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Vince McMahon pulls Omos away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

The professional wrestler devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match. PENALTY! Seth Rollins is brought down inside the 18-yard box! The defender went in with studs showing, the referee points to the spot. The TENSION is palpable, this is a KEY moment. PENALTY SAVED! Seth Rollins strikes but the goalkeeper makes an ENORMOUS save! No goal! Omos sends an absolute rocket towards Bobby Lashley, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

Vince McMahon gives it to Bronson Rechsteiner who returns it first time, Vince McMahon ghosts past his man like he does not exist. The professional wrestling promoter was beyond the last man when Bobby Lashley played it. Clear offside. Clearance from the professional wrestler towards Nathan Frazer, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Nathan Frazer slips Bobby Lashley in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Bobby Lashley drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The professional wrestler boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. The professional wrestling promoter catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline.

Nathan Frazer lunges in two-footed on the attacker, that is an awful tackle. The ref is straight over. Complete uncertainty in the stadium, VAR has been called in, nobody is breathing. The referee reluctantly returns and shows Nathan Frazer the red after VAR! Nathan Frazer sees red for a tackle that was dangerous, reckless, and utterly inexcusable. Nathan Frazer plays the free kick into the danger zone, Bronson Rechsteiner arrives at the penalty spot.

1-1 and off we go. Iyo Sky hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Omos does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?'. The answer was of course 'I can no longer work in these conditions, the tourists are unbearable and Nelson never says thank you'. Reginald wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-2 (L)

Interception from Oba Femi who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Oba Femi. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. GOOOOAL for Drew McIntyre! ABSOLUTE SCREAMER, the keeper dives at thin air, the ball ends up in the back of the net!

Oba Femi stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Omos comes over and hugs him without a word.

What a block! Oba Femi slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Oba Femi plays the simple ball to Bobby Lashley, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Bobby Lashley goes crossfield to Nathan Frazer, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

Disaster! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

The pile at the corner flag. Omos is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Omos arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Drew McIntyre spreads it to Iyo Sky, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Step-overs from Iyo Sky, the defender is glued to the spot. That is a joy to watch. Good ball from Iyo Sky to Brock Lesnar, playing it quick between the lines. Cut-back along the deck from Brock Lesnar, Drew McIntyre pops up between the centre-halves. The pull-back is spot on. OHHH the save from Omos! Hit hard and true but the keeper is from ANOTHER GALAXY.

The professional wrestler throws it out to Vince McMahon, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Acceleration from Vince McMahon down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway.

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Iyo Sky's eyes are bloodshot. Bobby Lashley looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." The 29-year-old Bronson Rechsteiner adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while Bronson Rechsteiner trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show The Apprentice Plumber! To win a call-out from a plumber within the same calendar year, text 4123 and answer: 'How many cups of tea must you offer a tradesperson before they start working?' And we are back underway! Bronson Rechsteiner jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Long kick from Omos, Nathan Frazer positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Lay-off from Nathan Frazer to Bronson Rechsteiner, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Bronson Rechsteiner explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Bronson Rechsteiner chips an aerial cross over the centre-halves, Oba Femi is under the dropping ball. Oba Femi rises and smashes his header... but it goes over. Just a touch too much power.

Omos goes long for Oba Femi, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Oba Femi tries to pick out Seth Rollins on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. Oba Femi with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! Emergency clearance from the professional wrestler, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score right on the stroke of half-time.

Rehearsed move all week: Omos and Oba Femi stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Omos plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

Vince McMahon presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. The professional wrestling promoter winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Iyo Sky spots Brock Lesnar peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive. The mixed martial arts fighter rolls it back along the ground for Drew McIntyre. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches.

The professional wrestler finds Oba Femi along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Oba Femi clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Nathan Frazer gets across the near post first. The professional wrestler dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. One touch football: Nathan Frazer to Oba Femi, faster than the opposition can think.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Error from the professional wrestler, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them.

The professional wrestler hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Monumental ball from Brock Lesnar to Nathan Frazer, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Good cross from the professional wrestler for Oba Femi in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. The professional wrestler is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. Omos comes off his six-yard line and gathers with both hands. The keeper is the boss of his zone.

Defeat against Casablanca Dima-Maghrib. Oba Femi fronts up to the media: "Not good enough. My fault as much as anyone's." Short, honest, painful. Bronson Rechsteiner waits for him outside the press room. They walk to the car park together. The floodlights click off behind them. Wayne from Luton says a minimum of four cups of tea and at least one biscuit before any tools come out. Wayne wins the plumber call-out! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-2 (L)

Crucial intervention from the professional wrestler, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. GOOOAL for Nathan Frazer! On the cross from Randy Orton, he controls and shoots, sends a bomb into the back of the net. SUMPTUOUS!

Seth Rollins and Iyo Sky combine on the corner, neat little one-two at the flag. Cut-back from Iyo Sky along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Brock Lesnar centrally. GOOOOOAL! Brock Lesnar sniffed it out better than anyone, he was in the right place at the right time, IT IS IN!

Brock Lesnar launches it to Seth Rollins on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Overlap from the professional wrestler with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Good ball from the professional wrestler to Iyo Sky, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Iyo Sky sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Nathan Frazer. Simple in concept, masterful in execution.

What a mess! Dakar Teranga FC capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Omos legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Bronson Rechsteiner tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Sombrero flick from Iyo Sky, the ball lobs the defender and he collects it on the other side. Majestic. No luck for Iyo Sky, the dribble does not come off, the defender anticipates and steals the ball. Late challenge from Bronson Rechsteiner, catches the opponent after the ball's gone. Free kick given. The free kick from Bronson Rechsteiner lands right on Iyo Sky in the heart of the box. What a delivery!

"Right, hands up, who thinks that was good enough?" The gaffer scans the room. Not a single hand goes up. Nathan Frazer shifts uncomfortably on the bench. Omos picks at the tape on {his} wrist. "Exactly," says the boss. "Because it was not. We are better than this and every single one of you knows it." Bronson Rechsteiner has developed a full-blown B&Q addiction, spending every Sunday morning browsing power tools with absolutely no DIY ability. At 29, the lad owns fourteen drills and has never put up a shelf. And now, our TV game show Celebrity Gogglebox of Horrors! To win a television remote with missing batteries, text 5456 and answer: 'How many remotes does the average British living room have and does anyone know which one controls the volume?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Seth Rollins wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Seth Rollins puts an inswinger in, a defender at the near post does the business and clears. Panicked clearance from Vince McMahon, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from the professional wrestler to Nathan Frazer, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Nathan Frazer beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely.

The professional wrestler launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Applying the tourniquet, it's become a case of when not if.

GOAL! Dakar Teranga FC are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Beautiful distribution from Omos to Nathan Frazer, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The professional wrestler butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. Massive clearance from the professional wrestler under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

The professional wrestler bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match. Shirt tug from the professional wrestler, not subtle at all, the ref saw everything. The ref shows Drew McIntyre yellow for taking out the legs on the counter. Classic tactical booking. Drew McIntyre plays the free kick short to Oba Femi, clever little combination to catch the defence off guard.

Quick one-two between Randy Orton and Vince McMahon, clean as you like, they are moving forward. The professional wrestling promoter takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon. Big strike from the professional wrestling promoter, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times. Corner cleared, the professional wrestling promoter finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. Enormous clearance from Randy Orton inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Ball over the top from Brock Lesnar, Nathan Frazer had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. Turnover from Nathan Frazer, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Fantastic surging run from Iyo Sky, he sets off from his own half and charges towards goal.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Omos shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Brock Lesnar goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. Keith from Grimsby says six remotes and no, nobody knows which one does the volume, they just press them all. Remote with no batteries for Keith! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-2 (L)

Fantastic high recovery from Randy Orton, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense. GOOOAL! Randy Orton sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Randy Orton points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Bobby Lashley comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Omos dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Bobby Lashley slides in but gets the man before the ball. Free kick, no complaints.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Incredible solo run from Nathan Frazer, he goes coast to coast with the ball, the opposition can only watch. Terrible tackle from the professional wrestler on the attacker. At that level and in that position, there's no excuse for going in like that. Booking for Nathan Frazer, the elbow came out in the aerial duel. Nasty stuff. The free kick from Nathan Frazer is played short, Oba Femi receives and goes immediately.

Oba Femi with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Oba Femi boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Omos distributes by hand to Oba Femi on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. The professional wrestler opens up to Iyo Sky on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

The boss slams the door shut and leans against it. Nobody leaves until he says so. "Look at your faces. You are beaten already and there are still forty-five minutes on the clock. Omos, lift your head up. Bobby Lashley, stop sulking. We are footballers, not victims. Now act like it." Word from the training ground is that Bobby Lashley brings a flask of tea to every away match. Not any tea — it has to be Yorkshire Tea, two sugars, brewed for exactly four minutes. He's 191 tall and will not compromise on brew time. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5566 and answer this question: 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?' And we are back underway! Randy Orton jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The mixed martial arts fighter reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Brock Lesnar shifts it to Bobby Lashley with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. The movie actor/actress beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill. The movie actor/actress whips in a classic cross for Oba Femi in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Header from Oba Femi on the perfect cross from Randy Orton, it fliiies but it is over the bar!

It's in! Douala Makossa-Corner take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

'I told you so' mode. Omos eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Iyo Sky pulls Omos away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Intense pressing from the professional wrestler, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team. The professional wrestler lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. Lay-off from Brock Lesnar to Bobby Lashley out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. Bobby Lashley drills a low ball back across the face of goal, Nathan Frazer is free inside the eighteen-yard box.

Brock Lesnar dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. The mixed martial arts fighter finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Bronson Rechsteiner clean through. Pure genius from that position. WOOOW Bronson Rechsteiner launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

The movie actor/actress reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. The movie actor/actress boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Magnificent reading of the game from Randy Orton, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Ball in behind from the wrestler, Bronson Rechsteiner is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Shot from Bronson Rechsteiner, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres.

Drew McIntyre plays it in, Seth Rollins lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and Drew McIntyre is off again. Magnificent. The professional wrestler roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Drew McIntyre brings the opponent down with a cynical challenge. Nothing malicious, just effective. The free kick is played as a short pass by Drew McIntyre, Vince McMahon picks it up and drives forward.

Bronson Rechsteiner clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Nathan Frazer gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Iyo Sky.

It's done. Douala Makossa-Corner win, we lose, the table doesn't lie. Iyo Sky and Bronson Rechsteiner walk out together, bags over shoulders, eyes on the floor. The security guard holds the door and says nothing. Outside, it's started raining. Of course it has. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?'. The answer was of course 'I can no longer work in these conditions, the tourists are unbearable and Nelson never says thank you'. Reginald wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Oh no, Lagos No-Carry-Last score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Omos fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Nathan Frazer plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Randy Orton triggers the one-two with Oba Femi in tight spaces. It goes, it comes back, and the defender is left watching planes. What CLASS from Randy Orton! He places his shot with diabolical precision, the keeper had no chance. GOAL!

Knee slide for twenty yards, Randy Orton arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Seth Rollins slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Decisive interception from the professional wrestler, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Oba Femi turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Randy Orton. The defence did not even have time to blink. GOOOAL from Randy Orton! The ball is loose after a scramble, he has the presence of mind to prod it into the empty net. GOAL!

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Omos sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Oba Femi photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Bobby Lashley slides it to Seth Rollins, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Seth Rollins barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded. Yellow card for the professional wrestler, persistent infringement. Can't keep fouling from that spot on the pitch. Seth Rollins hits the free kick but it bounces off the wall. Nothing doing. The professional wrestling promoter launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

The boss wipes the board clean and draws a completely new shape. "We are going 4-3-3. Omos, you go left. Vince McMahon, tuck inside." The players exchange nervous looks. Changing the system at halftime means the gaffer is not happy. Not happy at all. The mood is like waiting for exam results. Roommates on away trips confirm Omos sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 34, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Bobby Lashley high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Bronson Rechsteiner pings a long diagonal to Brock Lesnar, completely shifts the point of attack. Phenomenal leap from Brock Lesnar who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him. Little shift from Brock Lesnar to Seth Rollins, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

Omos opts for the short option to Iyo Sky, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Iyo Sky unleashes a raking ball out to Oba Femi, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Enormous leap from the professional wrestler who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Big clearance from Oba Femi under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Omos throws it out quickly to Oba Femi, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

The squeeze is on, they've got the opposition pinned in their own box. Cross from Iyo Sky off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Randy Orton at the far side. Randy Orton wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft.

Brock Lesnar launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Bronson Rechsteiner spots Nathan Frazer in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Oh what a challenge! Bobby Lashley goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Lovely use of the ball by Bobby Lashley, finding Drew McIntyre in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Drew McIntyre powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Drew McIntyre to Iyo Sky, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

Nathan Frazer overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. The professional wrestler finds Oba Femi with a pull-back in the danger zone. The kind of decisive service that makes the difference at the highest level. The professional wrestler wastes the gift from Randy Orton, open goal and he fires wide. In that position, that is unforgivable, you are expected to finish those. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

The overlap from Drew McIntyre, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Drew McIntyre is brought down in the box! The referee blows and points to the penalty SPOT! The defender protests but the referee is UNMOVED. ABSOLUTE moment of truth! VAR check in progress, the whole stadium is holding its breath. Drew McIntyre wasn't fouled, VAR cancels the decision! Omos distributes short to Randy Orton, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes.

Points shared with Lagos No-Carry-Last. Iyo Sky slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Vince McMahon has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

Iyo Sky lofts a cross into the box, Oba Femi is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. The professional wrestler scores an own goal! Nooooo! In that position, this is the kind of thing that destroys your confidence for WEEKS. He tried to anticipate, he ended up beating his own keeper.

Perfect back flip from Iyo Sky right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Randy Orton tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Omos has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Nathan Frazer rolls it to Vince McMahon, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something. The mixed martial arts fighter shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Nathan Frazer. Pure quality, as per usual.

Bronson Rechsteiner launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Short restart from the professional wrestler to Drew McIntyre, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. The professional wrestler wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Lifesaving clearance from Drew McIntyre! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

They've scored! Barranquilla Toque-Toque break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

The ball from Vince McMahon rips through the defensive curtain, Nathan Frazer is flying into the space like an arrow. The professional wrestler is caught offside by millimetres on Brock Lesnar's pass, what a cruel call. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes.

Iyo Sky rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Randy Orton glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." And finally — Bobby Lashley was once mistaken for a bouncer outside a kebab shop in Romford at two in the morning. Instead of correcting them, he stood there for forty minutes checking IDs. At 191, nobody questioned it. The man is 50 and a born professional. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0707 and answer this question: 'What did the last bus to Grimsby apologise for?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Brock Lesnar picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Through ball from the professional wrestler for Bobby Lashley, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Bobby Lashley is well offside there. Oba Femi tried to find him but the run was mistimed. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Bobby Lashley sends an aerial beauty to Seth Rollins, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. Looping cross from Nathan Frazer, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Oba Femi. Danger.

Short pass from the professional wrestler to Randy Orton, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Low cut-back from Randy Orton, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Bronson Rechsteiner. OH WHAT A HOWLER from Bronson Rechsteiner! Nathan Frazer serves it on a silver platter and he sends it over the bar! The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Devastating burst of pace from Drew McIntyre, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Drew McIntyre lays it off for Vince McMahon in the box, the ball arrives in perfect tempo. MISSSSED! Vince McMahon alone in front of goal on the service from Bobby Lashley and it goes wide. The bench has heads in hands. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Oba Femi delivers a tidy ball to Vince McMahon, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Underhit ball from Vince McMahon, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it.

Decisive interception from Brock Lesnar who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Brock Lesnar saw it all. Sideways ball from Brock Lesnar to Bronson Rechsteiner, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Dribble from Bronson Rechsteiner in the box, one shimmy and the defender is out of the picture. Dangerous. Bronson Rechsteiner crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Randy Orton is in the right place. Randy Orton thumps his header on the delivery from Drew McIntyre but it sails over.

A draw. Oba Femi claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Brock Lesnar tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Clive Fogsworth, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last bus to Grimsby apologise for?'. The answer was of course existing, which frankly we all understood. Clive wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-2 (L)

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Telepathic pass from Vince McMahon to Oba Femi, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. The professional wrestler was right where he needed to be! In that position, that kind of anticipation is what makes the great strikers. GOAL!

Solidarity move: Vince McMahon grabs Omos who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Omos a standing ovation right through to the restart.

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Omos fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Iyo Sky plays the medic running in. Omos plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Lovely anticipation from the professional wrestler who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Randy Orton winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Bronson Rechsteiner spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Omos gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Brock Lesnar gifts Bobby Lashley a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Heroic rush from the professional wrestler! When your keeper comes out at the feet like that, you know you can defend high without trembling. Tidy restart from Omos along the deck to Brock Lesnar, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung.

The professional wrestler finds Bobby Lashley with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Bobby Lashley plays it simple to Seth Rollins, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Seth Rollins attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" Brock Lesnar is livid, gesturing wildly. Randy Orton chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." The entire squad confirmed that Vince McMahon has a secret Love Island group chat where the 81-year-old live-reacts to every recoupling. At 185, watching the big man cry over Casa Amor is apparently hilarious. And now, our TV game show Total Wipeout at the Buffet! To win an all-you-can-eat carvery voucher for the whole family, text 0800ROAST and answer: 'What is the maximum number of Yorkshire puddings one person can fit on a single plate?' And we are back underway! Nathan Frazer jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Brock Lesnar lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. The professional wrestler rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Drew McIntyre powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Quick exchange between Drew McIntyre and Bronson Rechsteiner, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows.

Omos smashes a volley towards Bobby Lashley, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Well spotted by Bobby Lashley who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Good ball from the movie actor/actress to Seth Rollins, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Nutmeg from the professional wrestler on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. Seth Rollins floats a cross in from the wing for Randy Orton, the ball hangs in the box!

It's a goal for Montevideo Garra-Charrúa! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Omos runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Bobby Lashley gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

The corner from Iyo Sky is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in. The professional wrestler launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Omos hoofs it forward towards Bobby Lashley, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

The wall from Iyo Sky is perfect for Seth Rollins who collects at full speed. Two passes, one defender eliminated. That is football. Ball across the ground from Seth Rollins, it slides through the entire box and reaches Bobby Lashley on the penalty spot. Phenomenal stop from Omos! That is a reflex save from another planet! Quick throw from Omos to Oba Femi out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Awful pass from Oba Femi, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start.

The opposition piles forward but the block is impenetrable. Bronson Rechsteiner races back alongside the winger and catches him on the line. Incredible effort. Bronson Rechsteiner clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul.

Oba Femi clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. The lads smell blood, they're pouring forward in numbers.

1-1. Bronson Rechsteiner and Vince McMahon are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Bronson Rechsteiner. "Next time," replies Vince McMahon. And they vanish into the tunnel. Gary from Sheffield says seven Yorkshire puddings is the absolute minimum and anyone who says fewer is not to be trusted. Carvery voucher for Gary! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-2 (L)

Everyone is sprinting, even the subs are banging on the hoardings. Headed goal for Nathan Frazer from the perfect cross by Seth Rollins, the keeper is beaten.

Nathan Frazer runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Seth Rollins joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The professional wrestler produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Oba Femi embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents.

Bronson Rechsteiner absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. Vince McMahon wins the header and flicks it on for Drew McIntyre. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. The professional wrestling promoter lays it off first time to Brock Lesnar, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Monster clearance from Oba Femi! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Long ball from Omos for Randy Orton who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Randy Orton pings a ridiculous diagonal to Bobby Lashley. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Firm pass from Bobby Lashley into Drew McIntyre, right into the boots. No waste.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Seth Rollins takes the hit without responding. Brock Lesnar drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Remarkable little detail about Seth Rollins — he spent every childhood summer in a static caravan in Blackpool. Still goes back every year, eats a stick of rock on the pier, and insists it resets his chakras. The man is 40 and living his best life. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 6161 and answer this question: 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Vince McMahon squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Classy interception from Oba Femi, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. CRAAACKER from Seth Rollins outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. The professional wrestler has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy.

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Omos strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Brock Lesnar points at it, jaw on the floor. Omos shakes his head, not believing it.

Oba Femi with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Oba Femi keeps it short to Brock Lesnar, no frills, just good football intelligence. Brock Lesnar wants to find Bronson Rechsteiner between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down.

Brilliant pass from Brock Lesnar! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Nathan Frazer is onto it. Linesman's flag is up immediately. Nathan Frazer was a good metre off on Vince McMahon's pass. Driven kick from Omos to Bronson Rechsteiner, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Bronson Rechsteiner reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle.

Seth Rollins sends a wicked free kick into the area, Bobby Lashley is lurking with intent. Huge aerial duel won by Bobby Lashley, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane.

Randy Orton feeds Oba Femi in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Foul by Oba Femi in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Oba Femi goes into the book at last. The referee had warned him three times already. Oba Femi strikes the free kick but the defenders in the wall block it. That's the end of that. Almighty boot from Seth Rollins who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe.

Change of flanks from Bobby Lashley, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Drew McIntyre. Absolutely immense from Drew McIntyre! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Drew McIntyre puts it right into the feet of Bronson Rechsteiner, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Bronson Rechsteiner releases Vince McMahon with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Vince McMahon caught offside by a shoulder width on Seth Rollins's through ball, what a shame!

Final whistle, final nail. Seth Rollins pulls his shirt over his face and walks blind toward the tunnel. Oba Femi gently steers him past a camera crew. Some moments don't need broadcasting. The fans drift away in ones and twos, collars up, hands in pockets. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the square root of a full English breakfast?'. The answer was of course a fried egg and half a sausage, obviously. Trevor wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-1 (L)

Short restart from Omos to Nathan Frazer, building from the back nice and tidy. Aerial duel won by the professional wrestler, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. GOOOAL for Nathan Frazer! Perfect downward header on the delivery from Randy Orton, the ball bounces in front of the keeper and ends up in the net!

Massive clearance from Oba Femi, just get the ball as far away as possible. Omos fires it out quickly by hand to Randy Orton, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Randy Orton sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

Vince McMahon chains an elastico into a step-over, the defender is completely disorientated. Vince McMahon links up with Seth Rollins, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Clean lay-off from the professional wrestler to Bronson Rechsteiner into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class.

That's a beauty from Brock Lesnar! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Nathan Frazer gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Nathan Frazer delivers from the byline, Vince McMahon is on the penalty spot, ready to finish.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Seth Rollins to Iyo Sky, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Dominant header from Iyo Sky on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. Short build-up from Iyo Sky to Drew McIntyre, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

The gaffer pulls up Rio Malandro FC's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Oba Femi, you have the pace. Brock Lesnar, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. We're hearing that Vince McMahon spent his entire signing bonus on a ride-on lawnmower. Doesn't even have a garden — he lives in a flat. But the lad is 81, he's got a mower, and he says he's 'planning ahead.' Absolute scenes. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Nathan Frazer squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Perfectly executed challenge by Bronson Rechsteiner, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Bronson Rechsteiner gives it to Seth Rollins into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Body feint from the professional wrestler, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. Seth Rollins leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Inevitable booking for Seth Rollins. He's been at it all match with these little fouls.

They've scored again! Rio Malandro FC are running riot and we can't cope.

It's a total siege, forwards throwing themselves at every cross. Seth Rollins heads it and sends the ball skimming the crossbar. Over but it was nearly perfect. Omos launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Bronson Rechsteiner after a fifty-yard flight. Old school.

Wing switch from Oba Femi, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Brock Lesnar brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Brock Lesnar shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. The mixed martial arts fighter spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Drew McIntyre. That is exactly why he is out there. SHOOOOT from the professional wrestler! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure.

Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution. Absolute peach from Bobby Lashley, threading it through for Iyo Sky, the centre-halves are done for! SO CLOSE! Iyo Sky sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in. The professional wrestler goes long for Bobby Lashley, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

Oba Femi launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Oba Femi drops a lofted ball to Nathan Frazer, it sails over the entire midfield line. Nathan Frazer fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Randy Orton throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Corner from Randy Orton and it's pure MAYHEM in the six-yard box! The defense just about survives! Massive hit from Randy Orton, BOOOOM! On target but the keeper is absolutely commanding. Huge stop.

1-1 and off we go. Omos hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Bronson Rechsteiner does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-3 (L)

Nathan Frazer eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. The referee does NOT hesitate: penalty! Nathan Frazer has been clattered in the box by the defender. The moment is GIGANTIC, everything hinges on this decision! GOOOOOAL! Nathan Frazer takes his penalty with incredible CONFIDENCE. The keeper had no chance!

They've done it! Istanbul Cehennem FK find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Omos sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Vince McMahon photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Good ball from the professional wrestling promoter to Oba Femi, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Oba Femi strings together a double stepover and leaves the defender for dead. Sublime skill. Smooth transition from Oba Femi to Nathan Frazer, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

It's there! Istanbul Cehennem FK tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Omos and Nathan Frazer do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Omos arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Seth Rollins takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. The referee blows for a PENALTY! Seth Rollins has been put on the floor in the box by the defender. OBVIOUS foul, indisputable penalty. The crux of the match is happening RIGHT NOW! The keeper is the hero! He saves Seth Rollins's penalty with a SPLENDID stop! Emergency clearance from Vince McMahon, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe.

Omos punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." Iyo Sky is a known charity shop addict who once found a vintage Gazza shirt in an Oxfam for three quid. The 36-year-old wore it under the kit for six straight matches as a lucky charm. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5577 and answer this question: 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?' The gaffer gives Omos one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Omos runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Omos boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Nathan Frazer! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Massive diagonal from Nathan Frazer! Vince McMahon receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Vince McMahon wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Seth Rollins. Aerial dominance in the service of the team.

The professional wrestler puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs. The professional wrestling promoter hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Randy Orton rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Seth Rollins. The far side is completely deserted. The professional wrestler finds Randy Orton along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The wrestler presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match.

What a disaster! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Omos sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Randy Orton snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Omos waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Heroic low block, every single player at his post. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Iyo Sky sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Good delivery from Iyo Sky off the left flank, Bronson Rechsteiner positions himself between the two centre-halves. Bronson Rechsteiner sends in a half-hearted cross, the keeper catches it without even jumping.

Nathan Frazer delivers the corner and it's CHAOS in there! A defender hooks it off the line! Bronson Rechsteiner clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. The pressure is building and building, the opposition can't get out of their half.

The movie actor/actress launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Seth Rollins anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. The professional wrestler has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was. Drew McIntyre puts in a nice corner but it is headed away at the near post by an opponent.

Massive punt from Omos, sends the ball sixty yards, Brock Lesnar is scrapping for it up top. Diagonal from Brock Lesnar to Seth Rollins, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Seth Rollins sends in a curling delivery, Iyo Sky peels off the back of his marker and finds space.

Low block set up sweetly, the opposition plays around it with no danger. Omos tips the shot over the bar, that is the save of the match! Omos rolls it short to Nathan Frazer into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

Painful afternoon. Iyo Sky and Omos walk side by side toward the tunnel, neither saying a word. Their studs echo on the concrete. Somewhere behind them, Istanbul Cehennem FK's lot are singing. It carries down the corridor. Sounds get louder when you've lost. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?'. The answer was of course approximately the width of a bus shelter, expanding to cathedral size when someone waves at you and you wave back but they were waving at someone else. Geraldine wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-1 (L)

Omos lumps it long towards Oba Femi, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Good ball from the professional wrestler to Bobby Lashley, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. GOOOOL from Bobby Lashley! Massive right-footed strike from 27 yards, the ball almost rips the net off, GOOOAL!

Knee slide from Omos right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Bobby Lashley does the same down the line. Omos turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

The professional wrestler plays it short to Drew McIntyre, slowing the tempo. In that position, playing the corner with brains rather than brute force is priceless. Quick exchange between Drew McIntyre and Oba Femi, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Oba Femi gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Bronson Rechsteiner delivers a tidy ball to Vince McMahon, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Vince McMahon accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Inch-perfect cross from Vince McMahon, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Drew McIntyre at the back post. Cross from Drew McIntyre too hard, too long, the keeper barely has to bend down to collect.

Bronson Rechsteiner goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Solo charge from Bronson Rechsteiner, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. Bronson Rechsteiner attempts a feint but the defender does not bite. Clean ball loss. Royal interception from Oba Femi! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air.

Oh dear, Milano Piano-Piano have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Omos climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Vince McMahon films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

The gaffer pulls up Milano Piano-Piano's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Bronson Rechsteiner, you have the pace. Brock Lesnar, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. A plumber was called to Seth Rollins's house after the 40-year-old attempted to fix a leaky tap and somehow flooded the entire kitchen. The bill came to more than the original tap was worth — by roughly four grand. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2525 and answer this question: 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Bobby Lashley wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

The professional wrestler switches the play to Randy Orton, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. The wrestler rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Clearance from Randy Orton under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Aerial duel lost by Oba Femi, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced.

Massive clearance from the movie actor/actress under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over.

The professional wrestler plays it simple to Brock Lesnar, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The mixed martial arts fighter gets to the byline and floats one in for Nathan Frazer. Crossing is his bread and butter. Cross from the professional wrestler deflected by the defender. It is part of the game, sometimes the defence does its job well. Short restart from the professional wrestler to Bronson Rechsteiner, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Bronson Rechsteiner goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags.

Brock Lesnar switches the play to Drew McIntyre on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Drew McIntyre dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Massive clearance from Drew McIntyre in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Omos takes his time and plays it short to Iyo Sky. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Enormous leap from the professional wrestler who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy.

Omos catapults the ball towards Brock Lesnar from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Long ball from Brock Lesnar to Randy Orton, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. The wrestler bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match.

Perfect parity. Iyo Sky slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Bronson Rechsteiner watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?'. The answer was of course the Lincolnshire Digestive Hound, which crumbles if you stroke it too firmly. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-0 (W)

Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. Seth Rollins unleashes a HOWITZER on the cross from Iyo Sky! The ball rips the net, GOOOAL!

Seth Rollins stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Omos follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Omos plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Short pass from the wrestler to Bronson Rechsteiner, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The professional wrestler beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill. Just wide from Bronson Rechsteiner, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. The professional wrestler throws it out to Iyo Sky, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything.

Corner from Vince McMahon, Randy Orton heads it with a diving effort but it goes over the bar. Shame. Clearance from the professional wrestler towards Drew McIntyre, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Drew McIntyre bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Brilliant cut-back from Drew McIntyre along the grass for Seth Rollins. That is an absolute peach of a ball.

Iyo Sky does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. Iyo Sky tries to dink it over the keeper but the touch is too heavy. It flies over the frame of the goal. Short distribution from Omos to Oba Femi, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

Iyo Sky slips Bronson Rechsteiner in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Brilliant opening from Bronson Rechsteiner for Randy Orton, frees up the entire left flank. The linesman flags Randy Orton offside and that is razor thin! Iyo Sky throws his arms up. VAR has taken control of this match, everything frozen, pulses racing all around the ground. Offside given by VAR — Bobby Lashley's goal doesn't stand!

Tea and biscuits are doing the rounds in the dressing room. Randy Orton has nabbed three custard creams before anyone else gets a look in. "Oi, leave some for the rest of us, you greedy sod," shouts Oba Femi from across the room. The gaffer is smiling. When the biscuit tin comes out, you know things are going well. Unbelievable but true — Bobby Lashley has been banned from three separate branches of Nando's for excessive use of the bottomless refill machine. He views it as a personal challenge, not a service. The man is 50 and shows no signs of slowing down. And now, our TV game show University Challenge Yourself! To win an umbrella that actually works, text 4012 and answer: 'How many consecutive days of rain does it take for a British person to mention the weather?' Seth Rollins is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Brock Lesnar gives it to Bobby Lashley into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now. The professional wrestler wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice.

Bronson Rechsteiner thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Free kick conceded by the professional wrestler, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. The ref brandishes the yellow. Bronson Rechsteiner lost control completely in that tackle.

Clever free kick from Seth Rollins to Bronson Rechsteiner, they play it short to cut out the wall. Shot from the professional wrestler, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. Nathan Frazer lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off!

Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Low cut-back from the professional wrestler for Seth Rollins. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality. Shot blocked from the professional wrestler! In that role, frustrating one, the strike was good but the defender threw himself in front of it. Bronson Rechsteiner sends his cross in but the defender shuts the door at the near post. Short restart from the professional wrestler to Seth Rollins, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. Nathan Frazer takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Failed dribble from Nathan Frazer, he tries to go past but the defender gets a foot in. Ball lost. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal.

What a result against Sevilla Olé-Olé! Randy Orton walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Bronson Rechsteiner follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Arthur from Stoke-on-Trent says zero consecutive days because a true Brit mentions it before it even starts. Arthur wins the umbrella! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

Bronson Rechsteiner steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Iyo Sky does not hesitate, he unleashes a LUMBERJACK strike that ends up smack in the middle of the goal!

Bronson Rechsteiner falls to his knees in front of the family section, eyes shut, hands pressed together to the sky. Three seconds of silence in the stadium. Then Bobby Lashley arrives and screams in his ear, and the whole thing explodes. Goosebumps.

Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Bobby Lashley slides a beauty through the gap, Brock Lesnar is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. GO ON Brock Lesnar! He SHOOOOOTS, it's on target but the keeper punches it clear with both fists! Brock Lesnar sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw.

Short pass from the professional wrestler to Bronson Rechsteiner, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Bronson Rechsteiner sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Iyo Sky is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station.

Massive clearance from the movie actor/actress under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Raking ball from the professional wrestler to Iyo Sky, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. The professional wrestler finds Iyo Sky in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. The professional wrestler pulls it back along the ground for Vince McMahon. The low cut-back is his trademark.

The professional wrestler goes long for Randy Orton, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Randy Orton gives it to Bronson Rechsteiner into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Bronson Rechsteiner rolls it to Brock Lesnar, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

The physio works on Iyo Sky's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Iyo Sky, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Bobby Lashley, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. We're told that Omos once auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing during the off-season. Didn't make it past the first round, but Craig Revel Horwood apparently said his footwork was 'not entirely dreadful,' which is high praise from that man. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2626 and answer this question: 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?' Right then, part two. Vince McMahon adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Perfectly coordinated low block, the opposition looks helpless. The professional wrestler dives at the ball and wins the duel. In that position, when you have that bravery, you are a true number one. The mixed martial arts fighter hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Randy Orton looks up and launches a long pass towards Bronson Rechsteiner. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Body feint from Bronson Rechsteiner, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker.

Incredible solo charge from the wrestler, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition. The attacker is scythed down by Randy Orton. A wild, reckless challenge that could end a career. The wrestler sees yellow for endangering an opponent. At that position, he can't afford that kind of recklessness. Randy Orton's free kick is stopped by the wall. The defenders jumped well.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. No runs in behind, no penetration, just ball retention for its own sake. Vince McMahon fires the ball over to Brock Lesnar with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Brock Lesnar takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air.

Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence. Drew McIntyre has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

Level at the final whistle. Omos and Brock Lesnar walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course none, they're the same stop, the bus just goes round twice for dramatic effect. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

High recovery from Seth Rollins, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. OHHH Seth Rollins sniffed it out! On the keeper's parry, he pokes it in with a perfect opportunist's finish!

It's there! London Three-Pints hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Omos places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. Drew McIntyre falls to his knees bowing. Omos does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Omos sparks the transition with a quick throw to Seth Rollins, the break is lightning fast. Quick one-two between Seth Rollins and Randy Orton, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Superb diagonal from the wrestler to Iyo Sky, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

Bobby Lashley with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. Randy Orton charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Pinpoint delivery from the wrestler towards Vince McMahon, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. The professional wrestling promoter sends a cross into no man's land. It is part of the game, but when you are in that role, every cross matters.

Monster clearance from Omos, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Iyo Sky. Crossfield pass from Iyo Sky to Seth Rollins, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Seth Rollins accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up!

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Oba Femi stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." We're told that Seth Rollins once auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing during the off-season. Didn't make it past the first round, but Craig Revel Horwood apparently said his footwork was 'not entirely dreadful,' which is high praise from that man. And now, our TV game show Bargain Blitz! To win a lifetime supply of Marmite, text 0800TOAST and answer: 'How many jars of Marmite does it take to fill the Channel Tunnel?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Drew McIntyre squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

The professional wrestler shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Bobby Lashley. Pure quality, as per usual. Quick one-two between Bobby Lashley and Oba Femi, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Foul by Oba Femi, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical. Nice combination started by the professional wrestler from the free kick. In that position, knowing when to shoot and when to play it short makes you a real threat at every dead ball.

Iyo Sky delivers into the box on the corner, it's a proper BATTLE in there! Defense holds firm! Authoritative clearance from Oba Femi in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever.

Corner from Vince McMahon, Oba Femi heads it but it sails over the crossbar. Frustrating! Omos finds Bobby Lashley with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Bobby Lashley gives it to Nathan Frazer into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Raking ball from the professional wrestler to Drew McIntyre, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Nathan Frazer delivers the corner and it's CARNAGE! The ball won't leave the box, defense finally gets rid! The wrestler unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon.

Textbook collective defending, everyone tucks in and shuts the angles. The professional wrestler launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Vince McMahon launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Iyo Sky, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. The movie actor/actress cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Drew McIntyre. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Drew McIntyre strays offside on Oba Femi's ball. A metre ahead of the last defender at least.

Stalemate at home. Bobby Lashley and Bronson Rechsteiner embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Mrs. Brenda Thistlethwaite from Wolverhampton says forty-seven thousand, and frankly we couldn't be bothered to check, so she wins the Marmite! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.