My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

87-118 (L)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Swing, swing, and Charles Leclerc finds Spider-Man on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Spider-Man comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Victor Wembanyama just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Victor Wembanyama beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

OHHHH, that one is going to leave a mark! Spider-Man gets flattened and gets the call.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That is five guys on a string and MrBeast is the knot holding it together, because the corner gets covered behind him too.

Halftime whistle. Charles Leclerc spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. The staff told me Charles Leclerc sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Winding Down! To win a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it, text HOOPS to 555-0509 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Charles Leclerc retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Spider-Man whips the extra pass across the arc, Charles Leclerc rises without a dribble, and SPLASH.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

GET THAT OUTTA HERE! MrBeast says NOT in my house!

The formula one driver just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, Victor Wembanyama panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Set called, MrBeast waved out to the corner, and Lionel Messi watches the spacing open up like a front door. Give and go! MrBeast gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on MrBeast. Cruel.

The association football player is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Charles Leclerc, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Two points left on the floor by Charles Leclerc, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

No hero ball here: Lionel Messi takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Charles Leclerc makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Oh my. Lionel Messi did not even draw iron.

Victor Wembanyama gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Spider-Man saw it a beat early. Here comes Lionel Messi sprinting off the elbow. Victor Wembanyama slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. The association football player just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Slow walk, no expression. Lionel Messi backpedals past the Detroit Engine-Roar huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

Lionel Messi bites his lip, fists clenched. Charles Leclerc shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. And here is the answer to our game show Match Game Winding Down! Georgette Blalock of Little Persimmon, North Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' The answer was of course the regret, by about eleven minutes. Georgette therefore wins a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it! Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

98-105 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but MrBeast winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Turnover, layup, Miami Heart-Attack straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

A scoreless four minutes and counting. The superhero is finding out the hard way that this league punishes tired legs. The youtuber launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Screen, pop, SPLASH! Lionel Messi kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. REJECTED! MrBeast takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

More second chance points for Miami Heart-Attack, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Halftime whistle. Victor Wembanyama flops into the first available chair. Small detail: Victor Wembanyama whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feud But Nobody Is Related! To win a gently used trampoline with no springs and one very stern warning label, text HOOPS to 555-0231 and answer this question: 'How long does it take a hot dog to cool down in the upper deck in February?' Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.

GONE down the baseline! Spider-Man beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. That is the shot chart lying to you. Spider-Man did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Late rotation from Charles Leclerc, he arrives half a beat behind the drive and the contact is obvious to everybody in the building. The formula one driver is in foul trouble already! Whatever hands-on skills that job teaches, none of them are legal in this league.

The extra pass! Charles Leclerc had the look, gave it up anyway, and Spider-Man buries it. BANG! Perfect drop-off from MrBeast, and Spider-Man answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

The formula one driver baits the contact, gets the whistle, and struts to the line like a ten-year pro. His boss is watching this and quietly rethinking next week's schedule. Zero contact, zero rim, zero dignity for the formula one driver, and honestly that is the most relatable thing to happen all night. Chin up, the day job is still safe.

Over the top of everybody. Charles Leclerc to Spider-Man in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the superhero made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Straight through the traffic, straight through the contact. The superhero finishes with a free throw coming and the paint suddenly feels very small.

Ice in the veins: Spider-Man taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Cold blooded from Miami Heart-Attack, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Lionel Messi whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and MrBeast has it on a string tonight.

Unselfish basketball. Charles Leclerc passes up a good shot and hands Spider-Man a GREAT one. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Spider-Man put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Lionel Messi scratches the back of his neck nervously. Charles Leclerc has the look of someone who has seen things. And here is the answer to our game show Family Feud But Nobody Is Related! Delbert Cranfill of Bitter Creek Junction, Wyoming, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long does it take a hot dog to cool down in the upper deck in February?' The answer was of course eleven minutes, unless somebody nearby is breathing on it. Delbert therefore wins a gently used trampoline with no springs and one very stern warning label! My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

91-110 (L)

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Charles Leclerc sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Lionel Messi finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the formula one driver, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Lionel Messi reaches, finds nothing but forearm, and the whistle comes right along with it. Lionel Messi throws his head back, because he knows exactly what it means. His minutes are somebody else's decision now.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Spider-Man has known that all night long. OHHHH, what a read by Lionel Messi! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Clang. Victor Wembanyama wants that one back.

Break time. Spider-Man bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. I've been told Spider-Man once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase But Everyone Is Walking! To win a milk crate full of cassette tapes with no labels, text HOOPS to 555-0853 and answer this question: 'What is the record for most consecutive high fives that missed?' Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Down goes Spider-Man, up goes the entire bench, and this team just got the basketball back for free.

Watch the spacing there, Charles Leclerc hits Spider-Man right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Spider-Man put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! Third look from distance for Spider-Man tonight and the arc keeps flattening out, tired legs writing checks the jumper cannot cash.

Wrapped up the arm on the gather, plain as day. Charles Leclerc gets two, and the bench is already standing. Look, it happens to everybody at some point. It does not usually happen with a full arena watching Charles Leclerc do it in slow motion.

The formula one driver just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Charles Leclerc has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

OHHHH that is a bad one from MrBeast! He hauls the ball handler down in the open floor and the whole arena is up and howling. Somebody just dropped a flagrant one on the youtuber. The man has to be back at work in the morning, have a heart out there.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the formula one driver made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Charles Leclerc do that to one of their own.

Charles Leclerc slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

Lionel Messi holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Charles Leclerc flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. The formula one driver just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Charles Leclerc keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

MrBeast turns back to look at the court one last time. Spider-Man doesn't turn around. And here is the answer to our game show The Chase But Everyone Is Walking! Otis Wagstaff of Empty Barrel, Nevada, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the record for most consecutive high fives that missed?' The answer was of course forty one, set at a rec league in 1998 and never approached since. Otis therefore wins a milk crate full of cassette tapes with no labels! I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

96-127 (L)

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The association football player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. One little shoulder dip from Charles Leclerc and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Charles Leclerc blows the wide open layup!

Somebody explain how the association football player reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Full stop, full sprint, and the formula one driver is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the formula one driver! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

The association football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Spider-Man the moment he crosses half court. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Spider-Man has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Whirl, and GONE! Lionel Messi leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. The association football player just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

Both teams head to the locker room. Charles Leclerc wipes his forehead with his jersey. Confession: Charles Leclerc believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. And now, our halftime TV game show The Sticker Shock Hour! To win a hand-tooled leather wall hanging of an eagle crying, text HOOPS to 555-1305 and answer this question: 'What is the exact weight of a basketball that has been dribbled while sad?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Lionel Messi, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Long and gone. Lionel Messi floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron. The youtuber outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. The youtuber just went up over everybody and put that miss back with two hands. That is a night he tells his grandkids about!

MrBeast climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Charles Leclerc refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Down screen, and Lionel Messi curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. From eight feet Lionel Messi puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Charles Leclerc hands it off to MrBeast, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Charles Leclerc probes the lane, cups the ball with two hands, then bounces it again. That is the violation they fix in third grade.

A full spin move through traffic from the association football player! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. You can live with most mistakes, but fouling Lionel Messi behind the arc gets you a seat next to the coach.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the association football player, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Watch the sell from Charles Leclerc here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. OHHHH that is SILKY! Charles Leclerc with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The superhero just rotated over and shut the paint down like a shift change. Where does THAT defensive IQ come from?

Victor Wembanyama stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Charles Leclerc comes back to get him. And here is the answer to our game show The Sticker Shock Hour! Roy Dean Hollifield of Turkey Scratch, Arkansas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact weight of a basketball that has been dribbled while sad?' The answer was of course four ounces heavier than normal, because sorrow has mass. Roy Dean therefore wins a hand-tooled leather wall hanging of an eagle crying! I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

104-121 (L)

Textbook two-man game: Lionel Messi keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Charles Leclerc rolls into an open runway. Throwing a shoulder into the defender like he is boarding a crowded train, Charles Leclerc gets whistled for contact he never needed.

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The association football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. The youtuber runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Victor Wembanyama gets into the paint, sees the shot blocker rising, and simply lifts it over the top of him. Never had a prayer.

Victor Wembanyama cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. MrBeast joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Phoenix No-Defense with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Spider-Man gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Look at Charles Leclerc mouthing an apology toward his own bench before the call is even announced. He knew instantly.

End of the second quarter. MrBeast is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Did you know? MrBeast once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Bologna! To win a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore, text HOOPS to 555-0204 and answer this question: 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Spider-Man threw it before the help even committed. OHHHH the separation! Victor Wembanyama just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. So close. Victor Wembanyama can only stare at the iron.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Spider-Man breaks a shell down. Watch the change of pace from Victor Wembanyama, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Victor Wembanyama rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Lionel Messi kicks it over to Victor Wembanyama, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Oldest play in the book, and Victor Wembanyama runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Charles Leclerc should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Lionel Messi controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. STOP AND GO! Spider-Man hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. That is a dime from Lionel Messi that deserved so much better, and Spider-Man knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Lionel Messi walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. A cut with that timing from the youtuber? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. MrBeast had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Clean feed from Spider-Man, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. From WAY downtown off the pop! Lionel Messi with the extra pass and CASH. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Spider-Man. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Spider-Man walk away from it.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Spider-Man stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

Kick out to Spider-Man, one more to Victor Wembanyama, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Victor Wembanyama fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Spider-Man stares at the floor while Lionel Messi mutters something inaudible under his breath. And here is the answer to our game Bowling for Bologna! Faye Ellen Duckworth of Sweat Bee, Connecticut, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' The answer was of course two, and the rest are there for confidence. Faye Ellen takes home a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore! On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

101-110 (L)

Victor Wembanyama times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

A head coach with a full staff and a scouting report just called timeout because of the youtuber. Read that sentence back slowly.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Hesitate, GO. Lionel Messi is by that hip before the man even blinks. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Lionel Messi.

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Lionel Messi keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

Nobody is touching the paint with the formula one driver parked in the middle of it. That is a full time defender doing a part time job, or the other way around. Winning basketball right there: Victor Wembanyama knocks the swing pass off course and that offense has to run it back from the top.

Break. Charles Leclerc collapses next to the vending machine. Intel: Charles Leclerc once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares of Cheese! To win a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod, text HOOPS to 555-0134 and answer this question: 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The association football player just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Rim out for Lionel Messi, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Somebody explain how the association football player reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Charles Leclerc turns the corner off the screen from Spider-Man, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! The superhero gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Lionel Messi makes it every single trip down the floor. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Spider-Man did all the dirty work on that one. Wide open at the top of the key and Charles Leclerc cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition.

Ball moves. Lionel Messi to Charles Leclerc, on time and on target. They do not teach that in the formula one driver handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Nobody expects touch like that from the association football player, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Spider-Man eats the contact so Lionel Messi can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Gift wrapped by Victor Wembanyama, and Lionel Messi cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Back at the shop they have got this review up on every phone with the association football player in the frame, and nobody is getting any work done. Brutal for the association football player, who owned the shot of a lifetime for about ninety seconds. Back to the day job with nothing but the story.

Spider-Man and Charles Leclerc share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. And here is the answer to our game Hollywood Squares of Cheese! Dwayne Pickle of Beaver Hollow, Pennsylvania, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' The answer was of course all of them, that is the entire business model. Dwayne takes home a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod! My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

109-110 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Victor Wembanyama who wins the little argument at center court.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Total control. Lionel Messi has this thing on a string. The help defender committed way too early, and Victor Wembanyama made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. Not a hand on him. Victor Wembanyama flat missed the bunny.

The defender climbs right over the top of MrBeast for the rebound, and there was nothing gentle about it.

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Break. Charles Leclerc asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Staff confession: Charles Leclerc is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. And now, our halftime TV game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! To win a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing, text HOOPS to 555-1207 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' Back at it! The players jog toward center court.

Charles Leclerc slides, closes out, recovers. The ball goes all the way around the perimeter and comes back with nothing. Four live-ball turnovers now for Victor Wembanyama, and every single one of them has turned into a bucket.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the superhero, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A formula one driver making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Lionel Messi drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! MrBeast builds the whole thing from nothing. No screen, no help, three points.

Kisses the biceps, one and then the other, and MrBeast strolls to the free throw line like a man on vacation. Victor Wembanyama fans him with a rolled-up game program. The bench is in tears. Even the guy running the game clock is grinning into his monitor.

This has turned into a private conversation. Spider-Man scores, the man across from him scores, run it again.

Baseline wide open. Charles Leclerc said thank you. Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed Charles Leclerc would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

The association football player is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Watch Lionel Messi plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Spider-Man out of that corner in a blink. Down, up, and gone for Spider-Man. The rim is just toying with him now.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

OHHHH that is filthy! Lionel Messi on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Victor Wembanyama goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Charles Leclerc has now cleaned up four misses tonight. Second chance points for Charles Leclerc, tipping his own miss straight back in before his feet ever touched the floor.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Charles Leclerc does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

This is the entire night compressed into eight seconds, and the ball never leaves the hands of MrBeast. Exactly the way he wanted it. It caught the front rim, kissed the back iron, took a full lap and fell off. MrBeast is on his knees at half court.

Charles Leclerc's complexion is grey. Spider-Man's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. And here is the answer to our game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! Norma Jean Sprinkle of Butterbean Flats, Alaska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' The answer was of course nine, and the tenth one is purely professional. Norma Jean therefore wins a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing! Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

100-120 (L)

The referee tosses it high and Victor Wembanyama rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Illegal screen on MrBeast. All that effort, and the reward is a whistle and a long walk back on defense.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The confidence is sky high, the shot selection has left the building, and Spider-Man just threw a brick from twenty-nine feet.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Finally a breather. Victor Wembanyama has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Anecdote of the day: Victor Wembanyama forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. And now, our halftime TV game show The Big Spin Cycle! To win a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread, text HOOPS to 555-1057 and answer this question: 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.

No hero ball here: Spider-Man takes what the defense gives and moves it along. The association football player just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. BANG! Lionel Messi steps back, creates the daylight, and buries it right in the defender's eye.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The defender planted his feet, and Charles Leclerc said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. The formula one driver just double dribbled in front of a sold-out building. Nobody back at work is ever letting that one go.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Charles Leclerc pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. AND ONE for the formula one driver! Took the hit, made the shot, buried the bonus. You cannot write a better story in this league!

A cut with that timing from the association football player? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Lionel Messi, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Ball into MrBeast at the elbow, Lionel Messi plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Straight back to the office for the association football player, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Body to body all the way to the rim and the arm goes up. That is on Victor Wembanyama, and this crew is not letting anything go tonight. No argument at all. Victor Wembanyama claps once, hands the ball to the official and heads for the chair. Four fouls, night on pause.

The association football player commits the ugliest foul of the night entirely on purpose, and honestly that is the smartest thing anyone has done all quarter.

Spider-Man has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Charles Leclerc has aged ten years in forty minutes. And here is the answer to our game show The Big Spin Cycle! Virgil Stanback of Buzzard Roost Landing, North Dakota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' The answer was of course two dollars and a firm handshake. Virgil therefore wins a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread! I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

92-112 (L)

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Lionel Messi has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Victor Wembanyama precisely where the play wanted it. Victor Wembanyama comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Victor Wembanyama, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the superhero, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Two defenders collide on the handoff and MrBeast is gone, so Charles Leclerc earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Watch the feet on MrBeast there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

The crossover comes, MrBeast bites hard, and the lane opens up like the front door was left unlocked.

Cross court, on a rope, from the association football player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Look how low Charles Leclerc keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Charles Leclerc cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Break. Victor Wembanyama asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Did you know Victor Wembanyama entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Free Throws! To win a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns, text HOOPS to 555-0952 and answer this question: 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

The association football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Victor Wembanyama rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. The crowd has found its chant, and Victor Wembanyama is going to be hearing it all night.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Lionel Messi has all the room in the world. Spider-Man threads a BEAUTY to Lionel Messi under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no. Victor Wembanyama SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. That is pure want-to: Victor Wembanyama was the only man on the floor who decided that rebound belonged to him.

Victor Wembanyama climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. MrBeast refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Spider-Man splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. The youtuber had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Swing, swing, and Spider-Man finds MrBeast on the wing before the help can even turn its head. The youtuber turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Runner in the lane by MrBeast, high off the fingertips, straight down through the net. Splash!

MrBeast throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Lionel Messi grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

That is a coaching staff completely out of answers. Spider-Man has taken this game over and the only tool left in the box is a stoppage.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Lionel Messi. The association football player is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

Charles Leclerc's gaze is cold, distant. Spider-Man's gaze is hot, angry. And here is the answer to our game show Fear Factor Free Throws! Charlene Bumgarner of Hushpuppy Ridge, New Hampshire, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' The answer was of course two point six miles, all of it inside a nine foot box. Charlene therefore wins a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns! I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

107-114 (L)

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on Lionel Messi.

Four minutes without a point for Lionel Messi and his group. The offense has completely seized up. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, MrBeast fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Lionel Messi passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Lionel Messi he is on the wrong end of it.

Break time. Charles Leclerc bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Did you know? Charles Leclerc tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Bologna! To win a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore, text HOOPS to 555-0204 and answer this question: 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Push the pace! Lionel Messi grabs it and hits Victor Wembanyama in stride before the defense can even match up. Victor Wembanyama stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Prayer from Victor Wembanyama. Not answered.

Watch the off-ball screen first, that is what frees Victor Wembanyama, and Spider-Man just has to put it where nobody else can reach it.

Down by the baseline, Victor Wembanyama points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Charles Leclerc is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Denver Horse-Track coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Somebody explain how the association football player reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Victor Wembanyama left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Two points left on the floor by Victor Wembanyama, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the superhero, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. They do not teach that in the formula one driver handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. The youtuber had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

OHHHH the hesi! Lionel Messi froze him solid and he is already gone! Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the association football player is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The association football player pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Ambition, ten out of ten. Footwork, two out of ten. Lionel Messi beat himself before the defender ever showed up.

Take the foul, live with whatever happens at the line. Spider-Man clamps down on the ball handler and the whistle does the rest.

Charles Leclerc turns back to look at the court one last time. Lionel Messi doesn't turn around. And here is the answer to our game Bowling for Bologna! Faye Ellen Duckworth of Sweat Bee, Connecticut, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' The answer was of course two, and the rest are there for confidence. Faye Ellen takes home a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore! Behind the scenes, I learned Lionel Messi was also an association football player in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

81-126 (L)

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The superhero just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets MrBeast up there and returns it with interest.

The association football player just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Missed layup for the youtuber and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Lionel Messi drops it off to Spider-Man on time and on target. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Spider-Man and Charles Leclerc just played basketball and the defense got shredded. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Spider-Man is walking back with both hands on his head.

Hesitate, GO. Charles Leclerc is by that hip before the man even blinks. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the formula one driver! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Break! Charles Leclerc rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Juicy intel: Charles Leclerc turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters at the Laundromat! To win a mannequin torso wearing a borrowed letterman jacket, text HOOPS to 555-0388 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of a chili at a firehouse cook-off?' Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Here is the danger of a hot night: Spider-Man stops taking the shots that got him going and starts taking the ones that cool him off.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Clean feed from Charles Leclerc, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. The youtuber reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Stepback three from the youtuber, ice in his veins. You cannot teach that, and apparently you cannot keep it out of the workforce either.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

OHHHH the help side! Spider-Man comes flying out of nowhere and that drive is DEAD on arrival! Filthy defense from Spider-Man. He never touched a thing and he still won the possession.

Look at the shoulders on the youtuber. Everybody has a rough shift at work, but most people do not have twenty thousand witnesses. The offense stalls, Victor Wembanyama gets stuck on the wing with no exit and nobody flashing open, and the shot clock eats him alive.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The association football player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Here comes the slip from Victor Wembanyama, and Spider-Man reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. That is the shot Victor Wembanyama wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

SKIP PASS! Spider-Man fires it cross court to MrBeast and the defense is dead in the water! A cut with that timing from the youtuber? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. A jump hook over a grown professional defender, from the youtuber? That is the most unexpected fundamentals clinic of the night.

MrBeast has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Spider-Man has aged ten years in forty minutes. And here is the answer to our game Blockbusters at the Laundromat! Reba Mae Odom of Skillet Fork, California, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the boiling point of a chili at a firehouse cook-off?' The answer was of course slightly above the legal limit. Reba Mae takes home a mannequin torso wearing a borrowed letterman jacket! I learned backstage that Spider-Man also does association football player on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

102-114 (L)

MrBeast controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

STOP AND GO! Charles Leclerc hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Charles Leclerc drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Lionel Messi already has the defense a full step behind. A superhero breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Shot clock at one, and Spider-Man just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Contested! Victor Wembanyama makes him change it in midair.

That's a wrap for now. Victor Wembanyama dives into the tunnel. Locker room intel: Victor Wembanyama has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feudal! To win a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage, text HOOPS to 555-0263 and answer this question: 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the superhero, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Lob from Spider-Man, and Charles Leclerc rises above the rim to hammer it through. Filthy.

Charles Leclerc sprints to the sideline, hops onto the scorer's table and raises both fists. The stat crew grabs their laptops and security is already moving. A trainer hauls him down by the shorts before anybody gets fined. Worth it, obviously.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ball moves. Charles Leclerc to Victor Wembanyama, on time and on target. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Victor Wembanyama does. Watch the footwork there from Victor Wembanyama on the catch, squared up before the ball ever arrives. That is exactly why it goes down so clean.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Cleveland Twin-Towers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Onions from MrBeast! He plants himself in front of a freight train and just wears the whole thing.

The association football player just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Two hands on the ball, then a fresh bounce. Somewhere a youth coach is watching the association football player and quietly turning off the TV.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Charles Leclerc breaks a shell down. Spider-Man sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Victor Wembanyama lays it right on his hands in traffic! Getting to his spot and elevating, Spider-Man puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

The longer they stay at that monitor, the louder this place gets, and Lionel Messi is refusing to look at the big screen. Cold, clinical, and correct. That monitor just took everything from Lionel Messi.

Victor Wembanyama takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. MrBeast follows the same path. And here is the answer to our game Family Feudal! Randy Dinkins of Sockburn, Ohio, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The answer was of course still yellow, but it means something different. Randy takes home a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

80-118 (L)

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Lionel Messi controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Victor Wembanyama crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Victor Wembanyama goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Lionel Messi goes fishing at the point of attack, the ball handler feels the hand on his elbow, and the arm goes straight up. The association football player is a single whistle from disqualification and he is STILL sliding his feet into the paint. Courage or a very bad week at work.

Ten to nothing. Victor Wembanyama is COOKING and there is not one answer on that other bench. They are burning a timeout on the youtuber! Somewhere in that huddle a whiteboard is getting erased in a real hurry.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

That is that. Deep into garbage time, and Victor Wembanyama is on the bench with a towel and a very large grin.

Heading in. Charles Leclerc's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Rumor has it Charles Leclerc has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. And now, our halftime TV game show Deal or No Deal or Maybe! To win a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap, text HOOPS to 555-0396 and answer this question: 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to association football player the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the youtuber! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Lionel Messi has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Spider-Man precisely where the play wanted it. Screened, toasted, done. Spider-Man is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Spider-Man nothing.

Off the pin-down comes the formula one driver with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. The formula one driver just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

Charles Leclerc crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Lionel Messi mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The association football player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Second pass beats the rotation, Victor Wembanyama to Lionel Messi, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. BRICK! Lionel Messi throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Spider-Man kicks it over to Lionel Messi, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Dribble handoff from Lionel Messi, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! No touch. Victor Wembanyama left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Lionel Messi just did it by hitting MrBeast on the back side with acres of room. MrBeast gives it up to Charles Leclerc on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. The formula one driver just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

Spider-Man walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. MrBeast drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game Deal or No Deal or Maybe! Marlene Hufnagel of North Elbow, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' The answer was of course whatever speed produces the most noise. Marlene takes home a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap! Behind the scenes, I learned MrBeast was also an association football player in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

90-113 (L)

Laser from Spider-Man, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Unselfish basketball. Charles Leclerc passes up a good shot and hands Spider-Man a GREAT one. The superhero hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Lionel Messi drops it off to Charles Leclerc on time and on target. This is the counter: Charles Leclerc punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Spider-Man, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Foul on the three-point shooter, and it is Lionel Messi. The coach is off the bench with both arms out. There is no choice to make here. Four fouls with this much clock left means Lionel Messi sits and the lead has to survive without him.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

You will never find it in a box score, but Lionel Messi just flipped that entire trip down the floor with one hand. The pass is the play here. Lionel Messi never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. Nasty finish. MrBeast hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

Nothing but a nod. MrBeast jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The San Antonio Skyscrapers bench looks personally insulted.

Off to the locker room. Charles Leclerc has already drained two water bottles. Did you know Charles Leclerc plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Buckets! To win a tackle box packed solid with loose buttons, text HOOPS to 555-1112 and answer this question: 'How many buckets fit in a bucket if the buckets are points?' Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.

Ejected for fighting, the association football player. Tomorrow morning he goes right back to being the calmest person in the room, allegedly.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the formula one driver, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. No roll this time. Victor Wembanyama swings it right back to Spider-Man above the break, and it is PURE. Buzzer on the shot clock, Spider-Man heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Lionel Messi already has the defense a full step behind. Charles Leclerc just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Spider-Man half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. The superhero had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Watch the spacing there, Spider-Man hits Lionel Messi right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. OHHHH, what a read by Lionel Messi! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. The superhero spots up in the corner and drills it like it is nothing. Somewhere a shooting coach is crying tears of joy.

Spider-Man steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The defender crowded the middle, and Spider-Man punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. That is the shot chart lying to you. Spider-Man did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Somebody explain how the association football player reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. BAAAANG! Victor Wembanyama sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. That is what heavy minutes do, MrBeast has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

MrBeast kicks his towel across the floor. Spider-Man has already left for the locker room, alone. And here is the answer to our game show Bowling for Buckets! Tammy Lynn Housewright of Big Elbow, Washington, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many buckets fit in a bucket if the buckets are points?' The answer was of course two per bucket, three from way out, and one if somebody fouls you. Tammy Lynn therefore wins a tackle box packed solid with loose buttons! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

77-121 (L)

Won it clean! MrBeast got up and over him with room to spare.

Lionel Messi kicks it over to Victor Wembanyama, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Watch the spacing, Victor Wembanyama drags two bodies toward the ball and Spider-Man is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. The superhero just fired one in from the logo and the roof nearly came off this place. That is in nobody's job description.

Stone silence for one second, then Spider-Man lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Charles Leclerc answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Lionel Messi! Nothing but runway to the rim! Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, MrBeast goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Charles Leclerc, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Three-point play the old-fashioned way, and Charles Leclerc buries the freebie without blinking.

Stone silence for one second, then Charles Leclerc lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Victor Wembanyama answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Well-deserved break. Spider-Man looks like someone who just ran a marathon. They say Spider-Man eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. And now, our halftime TV game show Beat the Shot Clock! To win a rusted horseshoe signed by a man named Dale, text HOOPS to 555-0533 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of nacho cheese at concession stand altitude?' Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Charles Leclerc feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. The formula one driver launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Iron AGAIN for Lionel Messi! Somebody put a lid on that rim and every possession has turned into pure suffering. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Lionel Messi launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Push the pace! Lionel Messi grabs it and hits Spider-Man in stride before the defense can even match up. Two guys on the exact same page, Spider-Man and Victor Wembanyama, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the superhero! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Watch the sell from Lionel Messi here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Lionel Messi missed that one with real conviction.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Look at the shoulders on the association football player. Everybody has a rough shift at work, but most people do not have twenty thousand witnesses. Not a bad shot, not a blocked shot, just no shot at all from Spider-Man. Somehow the worst outcome available.

MrBeast hacks the arm on purpose, then throws both hands up like he has never touched a soul in his life. Nobody is buying it.

MrBeast's complexion is grey. Spider-Man's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. And here is the answer to our game show Beat the Shot Clock! Randall Meeks of Coon Holler Springs, Kentucky, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the boiling point of nacho cheese at concession stand altitude?' The answer was of course that it does not boil, it simply becomes more determined. Randall therefore wins a rusted horseshoe signed by a man named Dale! My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'