My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

85-129 (L)

The referee tosses it high and Godzilla rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Push the pace! Spider-Man grabs it and hits King Kong in stride before the defense can even match up. Textbook two-man game: King Kong keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Spider-Man rolls into an open runway. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Spider-Man is walking back with both hands on his head.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Barry Allen breaks a shell down. Two defenders, one gap, and Batman finds it. Onions on that pass. Drop step, jump hook, bucket! Godzilla is doing it the old way.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Godzilla strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Batman carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

The locker room. King Kong sprawls out full-length on the bench. Did you know King Kong keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! To win a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting, text HOOPS to 555-0975 and answer this question: 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The whistle blows, Godzilla throws his hands up in protest, and the replay is going to make that argument very short.

A cut with that timing from the superhero? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Barry Allen had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Spider-Man walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Hard drive, hard stop, and Batman retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Pull-up from the elbow by Batman, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

The superhero is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. GONE down the baseline! Batman beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. This building is SHAKING. Batman just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

Batman sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Detroit Engine-Roar bench does not find it funny. Spider-Man pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Court vision like that on the superhero is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. The superhero tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

That is that. Deep into garbage time, and Godzilla is on the bench with a towel and a very large grin.

Two guys on the exact same page, Spider-Man and Godzilla, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Oh, that is rough. Spider-Man killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

Spider-Man avoids the cameras like the plague. Batman gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. And here is the answer to our game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! Leonard Skidmore of Tumbleweed Alley, Arizona, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' The answer was of course that nobody knows, and the janitors have agreed to stop asking. Leonard therefore wins a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting! I learned tonight that Spider-Man used to be a superhero. That explains the unique running style. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

80-118 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Godzilla rips it out of the air and we are off.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Spider-Man threw it before the help even committed. The player pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Godzilla rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Batman punishes it with a read most guys never even see. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Godzilla cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Halftime. Barry Allen is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Physio's confession: Barry Allen purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. And now, our halftime TV game show Whistle While You Guess! To win a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby, text HOOPS to 555-1291 and answer this question: 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.

The player just got left in the dust, and in fairness, that is a professional athlete he was asked to guard.

Turnover, layup, Miami Heart-Attack straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Set called, Godzilla waved out to the corner, and Spider-Man watches the spacing open up like a front door. Here comes the slip from Barry Allen, and Godzilla reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Perfect drop-off from Batman, and Barry Allen answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Barry Allen reads it two passes early, steps into the gap and takes away the entire lane before anybody gets there.

A superhero breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! There is nothing accidental about that one. Spider-Man hunted the contact, sold it, and bought himself a trip to the stripe. Two shots, two makes. Spider-Man does not flinch.

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, Spider-Man tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Body to body all the way to the rim and the arm goes up. That is on King Kong, and this crew is not letting anything go tonight. Hands off, feet moving, no reaching. That is the entire instruction sheet for King Kong the rest of the way.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The player just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Watch the feet on King Kong there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the superhero. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. Drawn up in the huddle, executed by the superhero, who clocks in somewhere else on Monday morning. Perfect.

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Spider-Man does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Batman puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

Spider-Man walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Batman speeds up. Wants it to be over. And here is the answer to our game show Whistle While You Guess! Wilma Jean Puckett of Sorghum Switch, Kansas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many times does a referee blink during a single overtime period?' The answer was of course exactly 1,412 times, and 1,413 if the arena air conditioning is broken. Wilma Jean therefore wins a five year supply of individually wrapped mints from a bank lobby! I learned backstage that Batman also does superhero on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

86-126 (L)

Dagger from Orlando Magic-Beans. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ball moves. Barry Allen to King Kong, on time and on target. POCKET PASS! King Kong threads it to Batman between two bodies and the rim is wide open! That is a dime from Barry Allen that deserved so much better, and Batman knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

They do not teach that in the superhero handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. The player just double dribbled in front of a sold-out building. Nobody back at work is ever letting that one go.

Total control. Spider-Man has this thing on a string. Godzilla rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. The player had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Halftime whistle! Barry Allen grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. True story: Barry Allen walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Orlando Magic-Beans. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show Truth or Consequences of Turnovers! To win a doorbell that plays eleven seconds of a song nobody requested, text HOOPS to 555-0644 and answer this question: 'How many turnovers does it take to fill a standard laundry hamper?' We're back! The players look fired up.

Pass, skip, reversal, pass again. Spider-Man shifts with every single one of them and the possession ends in a contested fadeaway. Hands like that on the superhero? Whatever he does all day, by night he is robbing people blind.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Straight down the baseline goes the player! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Zero hesitation, zero conscience. King Kong made that closeout look completely pointless.

King Kong sprints to the sideline, hops onto the scorer's table and raises both fists. The stat crew grabs their laptops and security is already moving. A trainer hauls him down by the shorts before anybody gets fined. Worth it, obviously.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Orlando Magic-Beans, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Godzilla slides, closes out, recovers. The ball goes all the way around the perimeter and comes back with nothing. GET THAT OUTTA HERE! Barry Allen meets that jumper at the top of its flight and spikes it into the sideline.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Orlando Magic-Beans with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Spider-Man already has the defense a full step behind. Barry Allen crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Missed layup for the superhero and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

The superhero makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. The player runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Nasty finish. Batman hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

Batman runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Watch the change of pace from Batman, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Two hands on the ball, then a fresh bounce. Somewhere a youth coach is watching the superhero and quietly turning off the TV.

Both coaches are up off the bench pleading while the officials walk the Barry Allen sequence back frame by frame. The superhero is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

Godzilla sits on the floor in the hallway. King Kong sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. And here is the answer to our game show Truth or Consequences of Turnovers! Lorene Kirkpatrick of Broken Hoop, New Mexico, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many turnovers does it take to fill a standard laundry hamper?' The answer was of course nineteen, or four if they are the really big ones. Lorene therefore wins a doorbell that plays eleven seconds of a song nobody requested! On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than King Kong. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

83-126 (L)

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Barry Allen has known that all night long. The superhero reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Two points left on the floor by Batman, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Batman attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! OHHHHH POSTERIZED! Batman just ENDED that defender at the rim!

Unselfish basketball. Spider-Man passes up a good shot and hands Batman a GREAT one. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Batman!

Halftime. Batman's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Fun fact: Batman tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. And now, our halftime TV game show Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! To win an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak, text HOOPS to 555-0116 and answer this question: 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Batman just did it by hitting Godzilla on the back side with acres of room. The player just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Not a hand on him. Godzilla flat missed the bunny.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Thrilling stuff in the closing minutes. Spider-Man watches from the bench while the deep reserves audition for minutes nobody will remember.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the superhero made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Spider-Man launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

No hero ball here: Batman takes what the defense gives and moves it along. OHHHH, what a read by Spider-Man! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Rises, releases, and Batman sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

You can read it right off the scoreboard: not one point since the last stoppage, and Spider-Man is pressing badly now. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Batman fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Philadelphia Injury-Report in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Godzilla gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Spider-Man saw it a beat early. The player turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Godzilla hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Down by the baseline, Godzilla points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Spider-Man is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Philadelphia Injury-Report coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Philadelphia Injury-Report, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The coach saw the contact on King Kong and absolutely LOST it. One whistle later, that is a T on the sideline.

Barry Allen and King Kong walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. And here is the answer to our game Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! Wayne Shropshire of Salt Lick Junction, Maine, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' The answer was of course twelve dollars, or one covered dish. Wayne takes home an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak! Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

89-128 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Godzilla who wins the little argument at center court.

Cross court, on a rope, from the superhero. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Off the pin-down comes the superhero with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. The defender fronted him, so Batman sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Batman never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Batman makes it every single trip down the floor. Whirl, and GONE! King Kong leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Prayer from King Kong. Not answered.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Phoenix No-Defense, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Watch the spacing there, Barry Allen hits Spider-Man right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Dribble handoff from Spider-Man, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Way short from Barry Allen off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

The players head in. Spider-Man slips on the wet tunnel floor. I've been told Spider-Man always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show The Swap Meet Half Hour! To win a car dealership balloon man with no fan, text HOOPS to 555-1318 and answer this question: 'What is the top speed of a mascot running in oversized shoes?' Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

Cold blooded from Phoenix No-Defense, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Oldest play in the book, and Spider-Man runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. Gift wrapped by Spider-Man, and Batman cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Spider-Man put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! Getting to his spot and elevating, Spider-Man puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Spider-Man turns the corner off the screen from Batman, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! The superhero hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the superhero, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Barry Allen just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Godzilla half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Onions! Godzilla did that with a hand in his face.

Down by the baseline, Godzilla points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Barry Allen is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Phoenix No-Defense coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Ten to nothing. Barry Allen is COOKING and there is not one answer on that other bench. They are burning a timeout on the superhero! Somewhere in that huddle a whiteboard is getting erased in a real hurry.

Under review. Spider-Man does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. Waved off. Spider-Man got the entire celebration in before the officials even reached the monitor.

Batman takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. King Kong doesn't drink. Throat too tight. And here is the answer to our game show The Swap Meet Half Hour! Lurleen Ratliff of Sopchoppy Flats, Florida, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the top speed of a mascot running in oversized shoes?' The answer was of course nine miles an hour downhill, four uphill, and zero once the head falls off. Lurleen therefore wins a car dealership balloon man with no fan! Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

81-125 (L)

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Two free throws and the ball for the other side, that is the price of a flagrant two, and King Kong pays it from the tunnel.

Batman launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Left, right, gone. Godzilla put that defender on skates and never even looked back. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Godzilla nothing.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The beauty of it is that Spider-Man never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. So close. Barry Allen can only stare at the iron.

Break! King Kong takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Did you know? King Kong launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Series! To win a jackalope postcard rack with no postcards in it, text HOOPS to 555-0398 and answer this question: 'What percentage of halftime shows are secretly the same guy?' The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

Los Angeles Nursing-Home again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Watch Spider-Man plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Barry Allen out of that corner in a blink. The superhero just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Barry Allen rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. King Kong plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

Slap across the wrist, and the crew saw every bit of it. Barry Allen pays for that one. The superhero sits down with four. You want to be furious, but honestly, he came here straight off a full shift.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Tipped away by Spider-Man! Loose ball, scramble, bodies everywhere, and it ends up in our hands. That outlet from Barry Allen is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. Spider-Man rose straight over the top of him, and one.

Cross court, on a rope, from the superhero. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then King Kong slips it to Batman right in the pocket. Surgical. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the superhero! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The crossover comes, Batman bites hard, and the lane opens up like the front door was left unlocked. Third reach charged to Barry Allen. At some point the officials stop giving you the benefit of the doubt, and that point was two whistles ago.

BAAAANG! Spider-Man sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on King Kong. Cruel.

Cross court, on a rope, from the superhero. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. The superhero takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Fifth possession this half where Barry Allen has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Batman walks head down toward the tunnel. King Kong drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. And here is the answer to our game show Supermarket Sweep the Series! Cletus Ogletree of Hominy Corners, Oklahoma, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What percentage of halftime shows are secretly the same guy?' The answer was of course eighty six percent, and his name is Gary. Cletus therefore wins a jackalope postcard rack with no postcards in it! Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

76-120 (L)

Won it clean! King Kong got up and over him with room to spare.

The superhero just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Batman he is on the wrong end of it.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The superhero just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. The superhero had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Back to the locker room. Godzilla's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Staff confession: Godzilla is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters at the Laundromat! To win a mannequin torso wearing a borrowed letterman jacket, text HOOPS to 555-0388 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of a chili at a firehouse cook-off?' Back at it! The players jog toward center court.

The superhero makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Godzilla eats the contact so King Kong can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. King Kong gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

The superhero just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. The superhero just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Barry Allen waits with both hands on top of his head. Games turn on calls the naked eye could never make, and this one just went the way of Barry Allen.

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Spider-Man drops it off to Batman on time and on target. Godzilla sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Batman lays it right on his hands in traffic! The player gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Batman kicks it over to King Kong, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. King Kong comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Barry Allen just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Barry Allen never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Perfect arc. Barry Allen makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Clean feed from Batman, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! King Kong spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! The player launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Personal foul on the superhero. Somewhere a shift is going uncovered and not one soul in this arena cares.

King Kong sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Batman puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. And here is the answer to our game Blockbusters at the Laundromat! Reba Mae Odom of Skillet Fork, California, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the boiling point of a chili at a firehouse cook-off?' The answer was of course slightly above the legal limit. Reba Mae takes home a mannequin torso wearing a borrowed letterman jacket! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

84-129 (L)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The superhero makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. The help defender committed way too early, and Spider-Man made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the superhero, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Swing, swing, and Spider-Man finds Barry Allen on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Barry Allen stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Barry Allen missed that one with real conviction.

From WAY downtown off the pop! Spider-Man with the extra pass and CASH. The player launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Off to the locker room. Batman has already drained two water bottles. Did you know Batman knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Minnesota Ice-Wall's colors. By accident, obviously. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares Off! To win a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards, text HOOPS to 555-0431 and answer this question: 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

OHHHH the separation! Batman just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. The crowd has found its chant, and Batman is going to be hearing it all night.

Textbook footwork, textbook release from Batman, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board. The shot is short, and Batman is the only man moving. He rips it out of the crowd and the possession lives. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Batman makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Jab, jab, STEPBACK. Barry Allen snatched his ankles and let it go clean.

Cross court, on a rope, from the superhero. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Spider-Man, and not one single soul could do anything about it. No touch. Spider-Man left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Spider-Man makes it every single trip down the floor. Off the pin-down comes the superhero with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Batman. Get that one framed. Batman took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The superhero is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Godzilla has all the room in the world. Godzilla gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

SKIP PASS! Spider-Man fires it cross court to Godzilla and the defense is dead in the water! Down screen, and Godzilla curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Godzilla has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Full stop, full sprint, and the superhero is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Batman is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Barry Allen stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Batman comes back to get him. And here is the answer to our game show Hollywood Squares Off! Harlan Prewitt of Muddy Boot, Mississippi, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' The answer was of course that they are showing off for the ceiling. Harlan therefore wins a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards! Tonight I had a revelation: Batman runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

79-124 (L)

Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to superhero the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Down, up, and gone for King Kong. The rim is just toying with him now.

Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A superhero making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Illegal screen on King Kong. All that effort, and the reward is a whistle and a long walk back on defense.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Kick out to Batman, one more to Godzilla, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. That is the shot Godzilla wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

End of the first half. King Kong is beet red but still standing. Fun fact: King Kong failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. And now, our halftime TV game show Shop Til You Flop! To win a lifetime membership in a book club that owns one book, text HOOPS to 555-0983 and answer this question: 'How many gallons of orange drink are sold at a fairground gym?' Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.

Second pass beats the rotation, Batman to King Kong, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. The player just double dribbled in front of a sold-out building. Nobody back at work is ever letting that one go.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the superhero made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. The ball skips around the perimeter, Barry Allen finds the open man on the weak side, and Batman buries it.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Batman roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Batman comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Batman blows the wide open layup!

OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Spider-Man left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! The superhero had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Laser from Batman, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. OHHHH the pin-down! Godzilla pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Spider-Man. Brutal. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Godzilla goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Barry Allen makes it every single trip down the floor. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. King Kong pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch King Kong walk away from it.

King Kong hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Godzilla shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Barry Allen sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Spider-Man finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Shot clock at one, and Barry Allen just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Barry Allen whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Batman nods without conviction. And here is the answer to our game show Shop Til You Flop! Roberta Yoakum of Cedar Stump, Vermont, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many gallons of orange drink are sold at a fairground gym?' The answer was of course eighty gallons, and only nine people will admit to buying any. Roberta therefore wins a lifetime membership in a book club that owns one book! During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

81-125 (L)

King Kong controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Right through the window. Spider-Man to Barry Allen on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Barry Allen rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Lazy feed into the middle, Batman read it the whole way, and that possession is over before it started. Eight on the shot clock, Spider-Man gets a piece of the entry, and the whole set is dead on arrival.

Back to the locker room. Barry Allen punches his locker. Anecdote: Barry Allen threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show Guess My Salary Cap! To win a sun visor that says FLORIDA but was manufactured in Indiana, text HOOPS to 555-1136 and answer this question: 'What is the exact salary of a mascot with no contract?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Over the top of everybody. Batman to Spider-Man in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Watch the sell from Spider-Man here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Spider-Man backs his man down, feels the contact, spins middle and drops it in over both hands. Fundamentals!

Stone silence for one second, then Spider-Man lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Godzilla answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Spider-Man has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Godzilla precisely where the play wanted it. Beautiful footwork on that one from Godzilla, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Missed layup for the player and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Late rotation from Spider-Man, he arrives half a beat behind the drive and the contact is obvious to everybody in the building. The superhero is in foul trouble already! Whatever hands-on skills that job teaches, none of them are legal in this league.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Screened, toasted, done. Batman is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Nobody drew up that arc. The superhero floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Barry Allen gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. The player launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Godzilla does not love that call. Both hands in the air, a long look at the official, and the whistle still counts.

The assistant points at the far corner, the head coach points at King Kong, and the other three get told exactly where to stand. Sixty seconds in the huddle and Godzilla cashes it without a single wasted dribble. Textbook.

Chest bump so violent that Godzilla and Spider-Man both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

King Kong replays the score in his head on a loop. Batman tries to think about something else. And here is the answer to our game show Guess My Salary Cap! Marvin Hollopeter of Sandy Britches, New Jersey, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact salary of a mascot with no contract?' The answer was of course free pizza on Thursdays and all the applause he can carry. Marvin therefore wins a sun visor that says FLORIDA but was manufactured in Indiana! I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

84-129 (L)

The player just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Batman just did it by hitting Spider-Man on the back side with acres of room. OHHHH the pocket pass! Spider-Man splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Buzzer on the shot clock, Godzilla heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Spider-Man controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The superhero just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Missed layup for the superhero and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Halftime! Barry Allen walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Did you know? Barry Allen launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Series! To win a jackalope postcard rack with no postcards in it, text HOOPS to 555-0398 and answer this question: 'What percentage of halftime shows are secretly the same guy?' The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

TECHNICAL ON THE BENCH! The head coach is way out past the box, and it takes King Kong with both arms to walk him back.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Somebody explain how the superhero reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way King Kong does. AIRBALL! King Kong missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

That is a foot speed problem. King Kong keeps grabbing instead of sliding, and in this league that gets your coach a miserable night. Fourth personal on King Kong. The arena groans, the bench goes silent, and the other team just spotted daylight.

This is the stretch of the night where you just feed him and get out of the way. Batman has found that place where the rim looks the size of a hula hoop. Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and Batman rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

Stone silence for one second, then Batman lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Barry Allen answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The entry pass goes in, Spider-Man beats the big man to it, and this building is already standing up. OUTLET! Spider-Man rips the board and fires it ahead to Barry Allen before anybody gets back! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Barry Allen rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Barry Allen plants himself in front of the New York Over-Timers bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Barry Allen stopped the break and started a much bigger problem. Two free throws, the ball right back, and the officials heading to the monitor.

Godzilla hacks the arm on purpose, then throws both hands up like he has never touched a soul in his life. Nobody is buying it.

Barry Allen's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. King Kong breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. And here is the answer to our game show Supermarket Sweep the Series! Cletus Ogletree of Hominy Corners, Oklahoma, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What percentage of halftime shows are secretly the same guy?' The answer was of course eighty six percent, and his name is Gary. Cletus therefore wins a jackalope postcard rack with no postcards in it! During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

75-119 (L)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The superhero pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. That is the shot chart lying to you. Barry Allen did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Cross court, on a rope, from the superhero. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. The superhero just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Spider-Man builds the whole thing from nothing. No screen, no help, three points.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Back to the locker room. Spider-Man punches his locker. The staff told me Spider-Man sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Buckets! To win a tackle box packed solid with loose buttons, text HOOPS to 555-1112 and answer this question: 'How many buckets fit in a bucket if the buckets are points?' Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Spider-Man drops it off to Batman on time and on target. Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Batman! Nothing but runway to the rim! The player had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Barry Allen pump fakes, gets the defender airborne, and walks right into his chest. Free throws. Bless him. Barry Allen put so much arc on that thing it never came within a foot of the rim.

No roll this time. Spider-Man swings it right back to Barry Allen above the break, and it is PURE. Straight back to the office for the superhero, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The superhero is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. A full spin move through traffic from the player! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Range like that bends a defense completely out of shape, and King Kong keeps proving the arc is only a suggestion.

Nobody is touching the paint with the player parked in the middle of it. That is a full time defender doing a part time job, or the other way around. NOT A CHANCE! Spider-Man came flying at that pull-up and DELETED it!

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Spider-Man has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching King Kong precisely where the play wanted it. Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to player the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Spider-Man, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Spider-Man controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Batman pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Batman rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Full stop, full sprint, and the superhero is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Awful shot by Spider-Man with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

Batman presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Spider-Man walks right past without noticing. And here is the answer to our game show Bowling for Buckets! Tammy Lynn Housewright of Big Elbow, Washington, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many buckets fit in a bucket if the buckets are points?' The answer was of course two per bucket, three from way out, and one if somebody fouls you. Tammy Lynn therefore wins a tackle box packed solid with loose buttons! I got a text from Batman after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

78-122 (L)

Godzilla times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

OHHHH NO. King Kong pinned it against the glass a half second late and that is goaltending all day.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Three guys in warmups are halfway onto the floor celebrating what Spider-Man just did, and an official has to wave them back to their seats. The superhero just ran the length of the floor to erase a layup off the backboard. Frame that one for the break room!

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Break! Batman heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Locker room intel: Batman has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show Briefcase Roulette! To win a portable radio that only picks up farm reports, text HOOPS to 555-0561 and answer this question: 'How many towels does a bench player go through during a blowout?' The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.

A cut with that timing from the superhero? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. The superhero just traveled so obviously the referee did not even need a second look. Stick to the day job, my guy.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Spider-Man already has the defense a full step behind. A player breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Godzilla beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Godzilla fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Spider-Man has now cleaned up four misses tonight. The superhero just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Watch the footwork from Barry Allen: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Straight to the logo at center court, Barry Allen plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Barry Allen! Another extra possession courtesy of the superhero, a man who evidently boxes out at work too. Some habits do not clock out. Spider-Man drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. That stepback is unguardable once the drive gets sold, and King Kong has had that defender guessing wrong all night long.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, King Kong takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Batman pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The superhero just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Rim out for Spider-Man, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Batman just did it by hitting Godzilla on the back side with acres of room. The player just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Third one of these from Godzilla this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

Chased down from behind and wrapped up before he can get into his dribble, all courtesy of Godzilla. Here comes the free throw parade.

Barry Allen avoids the cameras like the plague. Batman gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. And here is the answer to our game show Briefcase Roulette! Ardith Sprague of Chicken Wing, Illinois, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many towels does a bench player go through during a blowout?' The answer was of course nine, and one of them is purely decorative. Ardith therefore wins a portable radio that only picks up farm reports! Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

84-129 (L)

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The superhero just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Somewhere an assistant coach is throwing a clipboard, because the superhero baited that closeout from deep like a decade of film study went into it.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Spider-Man drops it off to King Kong on time and on target. A player breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Spider-Man threads a BEAUTY to King Kong under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Hesitate, GO. Batman is by that hip before the man even blinks. The superhero misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Well-deserved break. Batman looks like someone who just ran a marathon. True story: Batman walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against San Antonio Skyscrapers. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show Second Chance Second Half! To win a hand painted mailbox shaped like a catfish, text HOOPS to 555-1006 and answer this question: 'What is the population of a town on the night of a rivalry game?' The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Total control. Spider-Man has this thing on a string. BACKDOOR! Godzilla slips behind a sleeping defense and Spider-Man hits him right in stride! Somebody check that job title again: the player hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Barry Allen just did it by hitting Godzilla on the back side with acres of room. Rough look for the player there. In his line of work you get to take that one back, out here it is two points going the other way.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The superhero runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. So close. Batman can only stare at the iron.

Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Batman, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Count them with me: one step, two steps, and a third one nobody asked for. The official has seen enough of Batman.

Spider-Man walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Off the pin-down comes the superhero with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Barry Allen, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

BAAAANG! Ten straight for Barry Allen and this place is a volcano! TIMEOUT! The other bench has seen enough of Godzilla and they are burning one to stop the bleeding.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. That is vision. Barry Allen sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Nobody expects touch like that from the superhero, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

Down by the baseline, Batman points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Spider-Man is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The San Antonio Skyscrapers coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Godzilla's eyes are glassy. Batman mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. And here is the answer to our game show Second Chance Second Half! Hoyt Pennington of Dishrag Springs, Oregon, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the population of a town on the night of a rivalry game?' The answer was of course the whole town plus forty people who moved away in 1987. Hoyt therefore wins a hand painted mailbox shaped like a catfish! I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

81-125 (L)

Tip goes to the player, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

You can read it in the body language. Batman has ice in his veins right now, the shot clock does not scare him, nothing does tonight. Heat check from Batman, and the heat is officially OFF. Three feet behind the arc with a hand in his face.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Towels are FLYING for the superhero! Going back to the day job on Monday is going to feel extremely strange after a night like this.

Back to the locker room. Godzilla's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Did you know Godzilla knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's colors. By accident, obviously. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares Off! To win a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards, text HOOPS to 555-0431 and answer this question: 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

The superhero is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Batman, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Fifth possession this half where Batman has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Watch the sell from Godzilla here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. A jump hook over a grown professional defender, from the player? That is the most unexpected fundamentals clinic of the night.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The extra pass! Batman had the look, gave it up anyway, and Barry Allen buries it. BANG! That is what heavy minutes do, Barry Allen has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The superhero just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Barry Allen should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Laser from Spider-Man, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The player runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. OHHHH the POWER! Godzilla took the hit and finished it anyway!

Godzilla pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Down goes Godzilla, up goes the entire bench, and this team just got the basketball back for free.

The crew chief has the headset on, three angles on the screen, everybody in here staring at King Kong. The building went up, the building came right back down, and King Kong is staring at a scoreboard that never moved.

Godzilla collapses into the first available chair. Spider-Man stays standing, eyes glazed over. And here is the answer to our game show Hollywood Squares Off! Harlan Prewitt of Muddy Boot, Mississippi, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' The answer was of course that they are showing off for the ceiling. Harlan therefore wins a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards! During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.