My dream soccer team — football_team 🇨🇦

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Giannis Antetokounmpo puts it right into the feet of Bol Bol, one touch and away. Silky stuff. GOOOAL for Bol Bol! On the lay-off from Albert Einstein, he unleashes a strike from 30 yards and beats the keeper!

Giannis Antetokounmpo stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Odell Beckham Jr. Follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Victor Wembanyama plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Superb diagonal from the inventor to Lionel Messi, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Lionel Messi looks for Tom Brady but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in. Bol Bol wraps an arm around the opponent to slow him down. Referee has seen it. Lovely cross from the basketball player on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist.

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Majestic individual run from Albert Einstein, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Albert Einstein attempts an aggressive tackle but the attacker sidesteps and leaves him sliding into no-man's land. Cristiano Ronaldo pays the ultimate price! He hauls down the attacker as the last man. Red card, ten men now.

Lionel Messi picks out Bol Bol with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Pass into space from Bol Bol for Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, played ahead of the pack. Anticipation makes the difference. The basketball player whips in a classic cross for Albert Einstein in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Absolute PANDEMONIUM after Albert Einstein's corner! Three shots blocked, the defense is under siege!

Albert Einstein pings a ridiculous diagonal to Bol Bol. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Burst of speed from Bol Bol, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. The basketball player plays it simple to Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Raking ball from the basketball player to Lionel Messi, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

The gaffer grabs a marker and circles a spot on the tactics board: "This space here. Between their centre-back and full-back. That is where we win this match." He turns to Albert Einstein: "You find that pocket, you receive, you go. No messing about. Odell Beckham Jr., you make the run to drag the defender." Nods all round. Club sources confirm Giannis Antetokounmpo has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 32, the 211-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Tom Brady high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Clever short corner from Albert Einstein to Cristiano Ronaldo, they're trying to break the defensive block. Cristiano Ronaldo reaches the byline and pulls it back for Odell Beckham Jr., the low ball fizzes through the area. Golden chance WAAASTED by Odell Beckham Jr.! Godzilla plays the perfect ball, the goal is empty, and he misses. Incomprehensible.

It's in! Paris Saint-Glinglin take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Victor Wembanyama spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Tom Brady gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

The goal doesn't stand! Cristiano Ronaldo strayed offside from Odell Beckham Jr.'s pass. Gutting for the attacking side! The referee draws the rectangle in the air, he's going to have a look himself. Huge moment. VAR check complete — offside detected, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander's goal is no more! The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch.

Victor Wembanyama boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Giannis Antetokounmpo! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Underhit ball from Giannis Antetokounmpo, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it. Monster press from Lionel Messi! He runs, he hounds, he harasses, and he ends up winning the ball. The opposition cannot breathe.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. PERFECT rush out from Victor Wembanyama! He cut the angle, the attacker had nothing to aim at. Blocked! Big clearance from Bol Bol under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line.

Cristiano Ronaldo presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Feint from Cristiano Ronaldo, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled. JUST WIIIIIDE from Cristiano Ronaldo! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

1-1 and off we go. Bol Bol hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Lamar Jackson does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-1 (L)

Textbook low block, the opposition can't find a way through at all. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. GOOOOOAL! Lionel Messi places it inside the post from the cross by Albert Einstein, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Lay-off from Odell Beckham Jr. to Lionel Messi in the heart of the box, the path to goal is clear. Incredible miss from Lionel Messi! Odell Beckham Jr. does everything right and he fluffs it in front of an open goal. Unforgivable. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Victor Wembanyama smashes a volley towards Tom Brady, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Lovely use of the ball by Tom Brady, finding Lamar Jackson in a tight pocket of space. Quality. The american football player opens up to Godzilla on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Godzilla accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Godzilla gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Lionel Messi just needs to sidefoot it home.

Acceleration from Albert Einstein down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. The inventor is fouled in the box, PENALTY! In that position, winning a penalty is a DEADLY weapon. The referee points to the spot, the tension is ELECTRIC. The referee blows his whistle and signals for a VAR review. The tension is unbearable. Video correction! No penalty for Albert Einstein, that was a dive! Victor Wembanyama throws it out quickly to Godzilla, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

Victor Wembanyama hoofs it forward towards Tom Brady, clearance mode, no time to mess about. The american football player misplaces his pass to Lamar Jackson, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Line-breaking pass from Cristiano Ronaldo! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Albert Einstein picks it up at full pace. Devastating. The inventor has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Victor Wembanyama, stop dropping deep. Cristiano Ronaldo, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. Club sources confirm Victor Wembanyama has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 22, the 224-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show Richard and Judy's Revenge! To win a book club pick nobody actually read, text 4789 and answer: 'What percentage of book club members actually finish the book?' Second half underway and Giannis Antetokounmpo is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Godzilla charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. Absolutely appalling challenge from Godzilla on the attacker. The stadium erupts in anger. Off, off, off! Godzilla is shown a straight red for a tackle that left the attacker screaming. Free kick played short by the player! In that position, having the game intelligence to mix up your free kicks is what makes a team unpredictable.

The american football player produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Lamar Jackson finds Odell Beckham Jr. between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. The american football player shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Bol Bol. Pure quality, as per usual.

Raid from Cristiano Ronaldo starting in his own half, he eats up the pitch and arrives in front of goal. Moment of madness. Cristiano Ronaldo tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it. 70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that.

Tom Brady loses the header in the box, the opponent imposed himself physically. Dangerous situation. OHHH Victor Wembanyama parries badly! The ball comes back in front of goal, the supporters' hearts stop. The basketball player throws it out to Albert Einstein, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. The inventor lays it off first time to Bol Bol, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

It's a goal! México No-Era-Penal go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Victor Wembanyama lumps it long towards Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. The basketball player gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Cristiano Ronaldo heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one.

Points shared with México No-Era-Penal. Godzilla slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Lionel Messi has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. Christine from Eastbourne says roughly twelve percent finish the book and the rest just say it was quite good actually. Book club pick for Christine! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-3 (L)

Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! Ball over the top from Lamar Jackson, Cristiano Ronaldo had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. Cristiano Ronaldo spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Lamar Jackson fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Bol Bol plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

GOAAAL for Casablanca Dima-Maghrib! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Victor Wembanyama stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Bol Bol comes over and hugs him without a word.

The inventor roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Aerial lob from Albert Einstein over the defence, Tom Brady appears in behind. The touch is exquisite. Tom Brady attacks the inswinging cross from Albert Einstein and places a SURGICAL header into the far corner! GOAL!

Dangerous challenge from the inventor, studs up into the attacker. That's not what you want from a player in that role. The inventor is booked for dangerous play. In that position, a yellow card can be devastating. Albert Einstein sends the free kick in front of goal, Lionel Messi leaps to try the header. Phenomenal leap from Lionel Messi who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him.

Odell Beckham Jr. takes the ball at his feet and drives fifty yards on his own. It is one man against the world. The american football player absolutely clatters the attacker with a wild lunge. That kind of recklessness has no place in that position. The referee shows Odell Beckham Jr. yellow for unsporting behaviour. The elbow was deliberate. Odell Beckham Jr.'s free kick ends up in the wall, no way through.

Tea cups everywhere. The gaffer has launched the lot. There is PG Tips running down the wall and broken ceramic on the floor. "That," he says, pointing at the mess, "is what our defensive shape looks like right now. An absolute disaster." Lionel Messi stares at the carnage. Tom Brady swallows hard. Nobody disagrees. Paparazzi snapped Lamar Jackson on holiday in Benidorm wearing socks with sandals, a bum bag, and a bucket hat that said 'LADS ON TOUR.' At 191, the 29-year-old was impossible to miss. And now, our TV game show Gardener's World of Pain! To win a National Trust cream tea for two, text 0800SCONE and answer: 'Does the cream or the jam go on first, and are you prepared to fight about it?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Tom Brady knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Oh it's gone in! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Victor Wembanyama stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Victor Wembanyama plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Victor Wembanyama plays out from the back with Cristiano Ronaldo, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Crossfield pass from Cristiano Ronaldo to Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Free kick to the opponents. Cristiano Ronaldo caught his man with a stray leg. Cristiano Ronaldo finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it. Cristiano Ronaldo hits the free kick but it bounces off the wall. Nothing doing. Victor Wembanyama distributes by hand to Cristiano Ronaldo on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

Giannis Antetokounmpo collects from Lionel Messi on the short corner, the combination could hurt them. The basketball player finds Bol Bol along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Bol Bol slides it to Giannis Antetokounmpo, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Change of flanks from Giannis Antetokounmpo, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Bol Bol.

The american football player switches the play to Godzilla, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Godzilla shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Good ball from the player to Giannis Antetokounmpo, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

They've scored again! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib are running riot and we can't cope.

Victor Wembanyama mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Lionel Messi plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Victor Wembanyama plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Bol Bol cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Incredible solo run from Bol Bol, he goes coast to coast with the ball, the opposition can only watch.

Shai Gilgeous-Alexander plays off Lionel Messi, the return arrives right down the middle and Shai Gilgeous-Alexander is free as a bird. The basketball player rolls it back along the ground for Lamar Jackson. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches. Lamar Jackson plays the simple ball to Lionel Messi, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Lionel Messi links a one-two with Godzilla, the two players are on the same wavelength. Telepathic connection. Perfect low cut-back from Lionel Messi, the ball slides across the box and Albert Einstein just has to finish.

Painful afternoon. Lamar Jackson and Godzilla walk side by side toward the tunnel, neither saying a word. Their studs echo on the concrete. Somewhere behind them, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib's lot are singing. It carries down the corridor. Sounds get louder when you've lost. Doreen from Devon says cream first and she will take this to her grave. National Trust cream tea for Doreen! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-2 (L)

Oh dear oh dear! Dakar Teranga FC score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

The player whips in the corner and it's MAYHEM! In that position, creating panic from set pieces is a massive weapon. What a STRIKER Albert Einstein is! He was right where he needed to be, in off the toe. GOOOAL!

Free kick from Albert Einstein delivered with pace, Lionel Messi finds himself in space at the far post. Lionel Messi rises and smashes his header... but it goes over. Just a touch too much power. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive.

Textbook one-two between Giannis Antetokounmpo and Cristiano Ronaldo. The ball goes, comes back, and the defence is beaten. Pure football. Absolute peach from Giannis Antetokounmpo, threading it through for Godzilla, the centre-halves are done for! The player strays just offside on Albert Einstein's pass, the linesman raises his flag. Brutal. Massive punt from Victor Wembanyama, sends the ball sixty yards, Godzilla is scrapping for it up top. Enormous leap from the player who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy.

Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. Albert Einstein launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Cristiano Ronaldo, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Cristiano Ronaldo drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Lamar Jackson. Lovely take from the basketball player! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Giannis Antetokounmpo, you have barely touched the ball. Odell Beckham Jr., you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Teammates say Giannis Antetokounmpo has an uncanny ability to find the nearest Greggs within thirty seconds of arriving in any city. It's like a sixth sense. At 211, he's essentially a sausage-roll-seeking missile in football boots. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 1122 and answer this question: 'What is the postcode for existential dread?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Odell Beckham Jr. Wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

And it's a goal! Dakar Teranga FC punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Victor Wembanyama arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Cristiano Ronaldo slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Cristiano Ronaldo hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Cristiano Ronaldo dribbles into the box, the defender catches him and sends him sprawling. The referee blows IMMEDIATELY: penalty! The heart of the stadium is beating at a THOUSAND miles an hour! Cristiano Ronaldo takes the penalty but sends it into row Z! That's a catastrophe.

The free kick from Lionel Messi is sent to the near post, Lamar Jackson rushes in to meet it. The american football player misses his header by inches, it goes wide. In that position, we know he has the aerial game, the next one is going in.

Corner from Lionel Messi, drops short, it's a scrap in there! A defender heads it away in desperation! Cristiano Ronaldo clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Momentum is a funny thing in football, and it's firmly in their corner.

Lionel Messi tries the one-two with Cristiano Ronaldo and it comes off! The wall is perfect, Lionel Messi wins the battle without even touching the opponent. Lionel Messi breaks through but the flag is already up. Lamar Jackson's ball came just too late. Victor Wembanyama finds Shai Gilgeous-Alexander with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander plays it simple to Odell Beckham Jr., neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The american football player bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match.

Shai Gilgeous-Alexander anticipates the run from Giannis Antetokounmpo and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. Giannis Antetokounmpo lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Raking ball from the american football player to Godzilla, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Godzilla goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Godzilla just won it. Through ball from the player for Tom Brady, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Crucial intervention from the american football player, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on.

Gutting. Albert Einstein throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Victor Wembanyama picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Clive Fogsworth, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the postcode for existential dread?'. The answer was of course SL1 1AA, which is technically in Slough, and that explains everything. Clive wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-2 (L)

Free kick from Albert Einstein curled into the area, Tom Brady attacks it with a header. Nooooo Tom Brady! This is NOT REAL! The ball from Albert Einstein comes at him, he panics, gets a horrible touch and it ends up in the back of his own net. Lamentable OG, the bench has their heads in their HANDS.

Albert Einstein fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Godzilla plays the medic running in. Victor Wembanyama plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Pull-back from Lionel Messi towards Godzilla on the penalty spot, that is an absolute offering. Godzilla is going to have nightmares about that one. Lionel Messi hands him the goal and he fires it three yards wide. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game.

Massive diagonal from Albert Einstein! Giannis Antetokounmpo receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Giannis Antetokounmpo takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. What a hit from Odell Beckham Jr.! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Odell Beckham Jr. puts his corner into the box but the defence is solid, cleared away. Cristiano Ronaldo opens up to Odell Beckham Jr. on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Odell Beckham Jr. lays it off first time to Giannis Antetokounmpo, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Giannis Antetokounmpo gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side.

Godzilla swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Tom Brady, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Superb tackle from the american football player, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. The american football player hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

The dressing room feels like a funeral parlour. Grey faces, hollow eyes, shoulders slumped. Victor Wembanyama has not moved since sitting down. Bol Bol is muttering to {himself} in the corner. The gaffer lets the weight of the scoreline crush them for a full minute before speaking: "Are you done feeling sorry for yourselves? Good. Because I am not done with this match." Now Shai Gilgeous-Alexander — bless him — once showed up to pre-season training with a sunburn so severe he looked like a Drumstick lolly. Spent one afternoon in Margate without suncream. At 198, there's a lot of surface area to burn, in fairness. And now, our TV game show The Generation Game of Moaning! To win a cuddly toy and a conveyor belt of nostalgia, text 5678 and answer: 'What item on the conveyor belt does every British person always forget?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

And that's a goal! Douala Makossa-Corner extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Victor Wembanyama climbs onto Shai Gilgeous-Alexander's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Victor Wembanyama circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

The basketball player goes long for Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Brilliant interception from Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander sets it for Lamar Jackson, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Wide from the american football player! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in. Short restart from the basketball player to Godzilla, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Good ball from Godzilla to Albert Einstein, playing it quick between the lines.

The basketball player finds Giannis Antetokounmpo with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. The basketball player intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds.

It's there! Douala Makossa-Corner tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Tom Brady sends Odell Beckham Jr. into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. The basketball player narrows the angle and gathers at the feet. In that position, that courage and reading of the game wins you matches. Magnificent low block, holding out like a besieged fortress. Textbook tackle from Giannis Antetokounmpo there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Giannis Antetokounmpo launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out.

Clinical interception from Bol Bol, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Overlap from Cristiano Ronaldo on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Victor Wembanyama stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Giannis Antetokounmpo walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. Douala Makossa-Corner are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. Melvyn from Huddersfield says it's always the cuddly toy because your brain goes blank when the conveyor belt starts moving. Cuddly toy for Melvyn! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-2 (L)

Disaster! Lagos No-Carry-Last score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Albert Einstein changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Odell Beckham Jr.. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. The american football player bends the ball into the box for Giannis Antetokounmpo. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. NOOOOOO! Giannis Antetokounmpo puts it in the back of his OWN net! He tried to clear the ball but it ends up in his own goal. His keeper stares at him in DISBELIEF, this is an absolute NIGHTMARE.

The free kick from Lionel Messi is superb, it picks out Tom Brady unmarked in the box. Diving header from Tom Brady on the cross from Lamar Jackson! Beautiful effort but it is wide, gutting!

The american football player strikes but the defender gets his body in the way. In that position, it happens, don't hesitate to pull the trigger again. Lionel Messi whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post. Albert Einstein clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition.

GOAL for Lagos No-Carry-Last! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Rehearsed move all week: Victor Wembanyama and Giannis Antetokounmpo stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Victor Wembanyama plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to Cristiano Ronaldo: "185 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 41 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" Now this is properly British — Giannis Antetokounmpo once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 32 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Catchphrase It Yourself! To win a complete set of Allen keys from IKEA, text 0800FLAT and answer: 'How many leftover screws is it acceptable to have after building a Billy bookcase?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Cristiano Ronaldo squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Driven kick from Victor Wembanyama to Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Lionel Messi finds the gap and serves Albert Einstein in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. The inventor reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly.

Odell Beckham Jr. plays it to Shai Gilgeous-Alexander on the short corner, they stall to draw the defense and create space. Short pass from the basketball player to Bol Bol, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The basketball player plays it simple to Lamar Jackson, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Diagonal from Lamar Jackson to Tom Brady, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Great vision from Albert Einstein who switches to Tom Brady. The defence pivots, but they are too late. The american football player is beaten in the air, the attacker got higher. Losing an aerial duel like that in his position puts the whole team in danger.

Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Cristiano Ronaldo has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out. Clearance from the basketball player towards Lamar Jackson, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Little shift from Lamar Jackson to Odell Beckham Jr., the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

Wing switch from Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Godzilla brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Aerial duel won by Godzilla in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything. Quick exchange between Godzilla and Albert Einstein, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Defenders don't know what to do, wave after relentless wave. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Tom Brady spots the gap and sends Godzilla into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Godzilla picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train.

Overlap and cross from Odell Beckham Jr., the ball drops at the feet of Lamar Jackson in the heart of the box. Lamar Jackson gets his head on it but it lacks precision, drifting just left of the post. Emergency clearance from the basketball player, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

Tough one against Lagos No-Carry-Last. Bol Bol and Tom Brady are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. Ingrid from Milton Keynes says three leftover screws is fine but anything above five and the whole thing is coming down. Allen keys for Ingrid! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-2 (L)

Shai Gilgeous-Alexander clatters into the opponent to stop a three-on-two. Pragmatic to the core. The basketball player is booked for a professional foul. Players in that position know exactly when to stop the play. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander does a Zidane on the free kick! The ball curls, swerves around the wall and ends in the goal. GOAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Shai Gilgeous-Alexander strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Godzilla points at it, jaw on the floor. Victor Wembanyama shakes his head, not believing it.

They've scored! Barranquilla Toque-Toque find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Victor Wembanyama stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Bol Bol comes over and hugs him without a word.

Dangerous corner from the player, the defense is all over the place! In that role, that delivery quality on corners makes you invaluable. Lionel Messi boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. They're turning the screw here, wave after wave of attack.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Godzilla puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Godzilla clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, Lionel Messi gets across the near post first. Lionel Messi sends a cross over the pack, nobody can reach it. Chance gone begging.

Solo raid from Godzilla from inside his own half, he beats everyone. That is unbelievable. Godzilla tries to power past but the defender stands firm and wins the ball. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross.

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Lamar Jackson's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Lamar Jackson takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. Now we've learned that Albert Einstein has completed every single crossword in the back of the Metro newspaper for the past four years. Never missed one. The squad calls him 'The Professor,' which is a bit generous, but at 147, let the man have his moment. And now, our TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Nation! To win a trolley dash through the reduced section at Tesco, text 0800YELLOW and answer: 'What time do the yellow stickers go on at your local supermarket?' Shai Gilgeous-Alexander leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Odell Beckham Jr. fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Lionel Messi throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Lionel Messi powers his header, the ball rockets over the crossbar. It was that close. Odell Beckham Jr. boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Odell Beckham Jr. gifts Giannis Antetokounmpo a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Giannis Antetokounmpo is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Lionel Messi's pass was beautifully weighted too. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines.

Corner from Lionel Messi, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears. Albert Einstein boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. Short restart from the basketball player to Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

Corner from Lionel Messi, deflected at the near post, ricochets, CHAOS! Defense clears off the line! Albert Einstein launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment.

GOAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever. Short build-up from Cristiano Ronaldo to Bol Bol, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Bol Bol rolls it to Godzilla, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The player shifts Giannis Antetokounmpo into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded.

Odell Beckham Jr. fires the ball over to Lionel Messi with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Lionel Messi dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. One touch football: Lionel Messi to Tom Brady, faster than the opposition can think. Great vision from Tom Brady who finds Lionel Messi in the right channel with a pass into acres of space. Room to breathe. Lionel Messi caught offside by a shoulder width on Cristiano Ronaldo's through ball, what a shame!

Loss against Barranquilla Toque-Toque and it stings. Bol Bol still goes over to the travelling fans, hand on heart, mouthing "sorry" through the drizzle. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander follows. The away end responds with a round of applause that almost makes it worse. These fans deserve better. Julie from Leicester says half seven on a Tuesday is prime yellow sticker time and she has the elbows to prove it. Trolley dash for Julie! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-2 (L)

Tom Brady picks up the ball and decides to go end to end, defenders fall one by one. The defender bundles over Tom Brady in the box, the referee blows for a penalty without HESITATION. The stadium holds its breath, everything is decided NOW. GOOOAL from the american football player on the penalty! In that position, converting a penalty with that composure is the mark of a LEADER.

Tom Brady and Odell Beckham Jr. Do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Victor Wembanyama arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Odell Beckham Jr. rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Tom Brady. The far side is completely deserted. The american football player gets to the byline and floats one in for Shai Gilgeous-Alexander. Crossing is his bread and butter. OG for Shai Gilgeous-Alexander! Oh no no no no, what a DISASTER! The shot from Albert Einstein was harmless, but Shai Gilgeous-Alexander deflects it into his own goal. The kind of thing that HAUNTS you for WEEKS.

Odell Beckham Jr. Fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Victor Wembanyama plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Long ball from Victor Wembanyama for Cristiano Ronaldo who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Cristiano Ronaldo reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. The inventor embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional. Shot from the inventor, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close.

The referee points to the SPOT! Cristiano Ronaldo has been brought down in the box by the defender. Huge decision, the TENSION is through the roof! Cristiano Ronaldo has bottled it! The penalty flies wide, he's got his head in his hands.

Oh dear, Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Victor Wembanyama runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Giannis Antetokounmpo joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Godzilla rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. Victor Wembanyama glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Club sources confirm Shai Gilgeous-Alexander has a standing order at the local chippy for a large cod, chips, curry sauce, and a pickled egg every Friday without exception. At 28, the 198-tall star calls it 'essential recovery nutrition.' And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4040 and answer this question: 'What is the national dish of a car park?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Victor Wembanyama squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

The gaffer is out of his technical area, demanding one last effort. Strike from Albert Einstein that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes.

GOAAAL for Montevideo Garra-Charrúa! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Victor Wembanyama runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Giannis Antetokounmpo gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

The free kick from Godzilla is played to the side for Bol Bol, intelligent stuff. Bol Bol tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. Cristiano Ronaldo strikes from 20 yards, good effort but it drifts just right. A touch too much curl.

Albert Einstein wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure. The inventor beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill. Albert Einstein delivers a tidy ball to Tom Brady, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Albert Einstein shifts it to Bol Bol with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Bol Bol takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Bol Bol attempts a step-over but the defender reads it and wins the ball back. That has not worked. Decisive interception from the basketball player, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. The basketball player launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

The american football player bounces off Bol Bol for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better. Burst of speed from the american football player down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Odell Beckham Jr. barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded. Nice combination started by the american football player from the free kick. In that position, knowing when to shoot and when to play it short makes you a real threat at every dead ball.

The basketball player finds Bol Bol with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Bol Bol accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Free kick conceded by the basketball player, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. The basketball player is cautioned for accumulated fouls. A booking in that position could cost the team dearly.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Giannis Antetokounmpo goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the national dish of a car park?'. The answer was of course a ticket with a side of despair and a drizzle of concrete dust. Reginald wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. Odell Beckham Jr. was THERE, as always! On the badly cleared ball, he prods it in and signs his trademark. GOAL!

Raking ball from the american football player to Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Lay-off from Shai Gilgeous-Alexander to Godzilla out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. Blistering run from Godzilla on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Godzilla plays it back across the box for Cristiano Ronaldo, the low cross is inch-perfect.

Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Ball in behind from the basketball player, Cristiano Ronaldo is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Cristiano Ronaldo takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Cross from the right by Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Bol Bol at the back post. SCRAMBLE after the basketball player's corner! In that role, putting the ball in the right area from corners makes all the difference.

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Victor Wembanyama dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The american football player slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. The american football player plays it simple to Lionel Messi, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Lionel Messi charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Lionel Messi keeps it short to Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Bol Bol, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Bol Bol takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Giannis Antetokounmpo once held a door open for Gordon Ramsay and inexplicably said 'cheers, Dad.' The 32-year-old has not spoken publicly about the incident, but Ramsay apparently replied 'you're welcome, son.' And now, our TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Nation! To win a trolley dash through the reduced section at Tesco, text 0800YELLOW and answer: 'What time do the yellow stickers go on at your local supermarket?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Lamar Jackson claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

The block is holding firm, absolute reinforced concrete stuff. The american football player puts in a ridiculous recovery run, comes from nowhere to save the day. In that position, that kind of effort is pure gold. Superb tackle from the american football player, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end.

Textbook lay-off from Godzilla to Tom Brady who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway. The players celebrate, the fans roar, but the flag is up! Tom Brady was offside from Lamar Jackson's pass! Short restart from the basketball player to Cristiano Ronaldo, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

Superb defensive work from Shai Gilgeous-Alexander there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! The basketball player sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. Ball loss from Shai Gilgeous-Alexander in a duel, the defender is stronger and wins it back. Enormous anticipation from Lionel Messi who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Cristiano Ronaldo to Godzilla, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Godzilla drops it into space for Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, the kind of pass that looks simple but requires a reading of the game that is way above average. Good cross from the basketball player for Odell Beckham Jr. in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality.

The basketball player finds Giannis Antetokounmpo with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Giannis Antetokounmpo unleashes a raking ball out to Lamar Jackson, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. The american football player reads the movement before anyone else and puts Giannis Antetokounmpo into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. Low cut-back from Giannis Antetokounmpo, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Cristiano Ronaldo. Cristiano Ronaldo with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet!

The basketball player goes long for Odell Beckham Jr., fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. With one swing of the boot, Odell Beckham Jr. finds Lamar Jackson on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. The american football player accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

A draw — that grey zone. Odell Beckham Jr. Signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Bol Bol adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. Julie from Leicester says half seven on a Tuesday is prime yellow sticker time and she has the elbows to prove it. Trolley dash for Julie! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-2 (L)

The player does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. GOOOOOAL! Godzilla was THERE where he needed to be, he toes the ball into the empty net. What a fox!

Tom Brady swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. Tom Brady feeds Giannis Antetokounmpo in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Giannis Antetokounmpo gives it to Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and gets it back, the one-two is spot on, Giannis Antetokounmpo is away.

Oh no, it's in! Rio Malandro FC punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

The team sits deep and absorbs everything, still holding. Massive clearance from Bol Bol, just get the ball as far away as possible. The basketball player shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Cristiano Ronaldo. Pure quality, as per usual.

Disciplined defense, each player closes down his side. Lovely take from Victor Wembanyama! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Monster clearance from Victor Wembanyama, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Lionel Messi. Switch from Lionel Messi! The ball arcs over the midfield and Tom Brady collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Albert Einstein takes the hit without responding. Lamar Jackson drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." A completely made-up study from the University of Wolverhampton claims Bol Bol's left foot generates more power than a Ford Transit. At 180 and 27 years old, the data is apparently 'peer-reviewed by Dave from accounts.' And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 4455 and answer this question: 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?' And they are off! Lamar Jackson touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

GOAAAL! Rio Malandro FC score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Give and go from the basketball player with Albert Einstein, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold. Bol Bol burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Shoulder charge from Bol Bol on the opponent, just a bit too forceful for the ref's liking. Short free kick played by Bol Bol, Lamar Jackson receives at the edge of the box after the one-two.

Godzilla drops a lofted ball to Albert Einstein, it sails over the entire midfield line. Albert Einstein reads the movement from Lionel Messi and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. The assistant spots it, Lionel Messi was offside by a whisker when Tom Brady played the ball. Clearance from the basketball player towards Tom Brady, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Tom Brady powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated.

Short corner from the player to Albert Einstein, fine tactical intelligence. In that role, knowing when to cross and when to play short makes all the difference. Cut-back along the turf from the inventor for Lionel Messi. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. NOOOOO Lionel Messi! The goal was empty, Lamar Jackson puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

Tom Brady launches it to Shai Gilgeous-Alexander on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Odell Beckham Jr. tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved!

Giannis Antetokounmpo switches the play to Shai Gilgeous-Alexander on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Shai Gilgeous-Alexander rises above the pack and wins the header with ease. He got so high it looked like he had springs in his boots. Good ball from the basketball player to Godzilla, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop.

Delicious through ball from Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Shai Gilgeous-Alexander is there to gobble it up. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander peels off his marker too early, he's offside from Lamar Jackson's delivery. Free kick. Odell Beckham Jr. clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away.

It's over and Rio Malandro FC take the points. Odell Beckham Jr. Shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Bol Bol walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which colour was banned from Milton Keynes in 1987?'. The answer was of course mauve, after a council vote determined it was too exciting for a town built entirely of roundabouts. Trevor wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-2 (L)

Oh that's heartbreaking! Istanbul Cehennem FK score right on the stroke of half-time.

Tidy restart from Victor Wembanyama along the deck to Albert Einstein, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Albert Einstein loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. GOOOOOAL! Lamar Jackson dominates his marker and powers the ball into the net with his head. The cross from Odell Beckham Jr. was worth its weight in gold!

Victor Wembanyama sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Bol Bol snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Victor Wembanyama waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Giannis Antetokounmpo anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. The basketball player winds up from 25 yards and beats the keeper, GOOOAL! In that position, that ability to shoot from distance changes a match.

The inventor puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. Aerial claim from Victor Wembanyama! He grabs the ball in both hands and clutches it to his chest. The keeper is on guard. Victor Wembanyama takes his time and plays it short to Odell Beckham Jr.. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch.

Quick throw from Victor Wembanyama to Giannis Antetokounmpo out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. The basketball player plays it simple to Bol Bol, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

The boss wipes the board clean and draws a completely new shape. "We are going 4-3-3. Godzilla, you go left. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, tuck inside." The players exchange nervous looks. Changing the system at halftime means the gaffer is not happy. Not happy at all. The mood is like waiting for exam results. We can confirm that Victor Wembanyama owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 224, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Come Dine With Regret! To win a microwave meal for two from M&S food hall, text 0800PING and answer: 'What is the fanciest thing you can make using only items from the reduced aisle?' The second period begins and Giannis Antetokounmpo launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Powerful run from Lionel Messi down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Cut-back along the ground from Lionel Messi on the right, Odell Beckham Jr. picks it up centrally in front of goal. Massive chance. Odell Beckham Jr. has embarrassed himself there, missing in front of an open goal after that beauty from Tom Brady. Terrible.

Granite defense, every tackle clean, every clearance powerful. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. The basketball player opens up to Lamar Jackson on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

The corner from Godzilla is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Well spotted by Lamar Jackson who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Smooth transition from Lamar Jackson to Cristiano Ronaldo, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Oh that's poor! Istanbul Cehennem FK score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Godzilla decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination. Godzilla finds Lionel Messi in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class. The flag is up! Lionel Messi offside by a whisker on Bol Bol's pass. That's cruel that is. Victor Wembanyama fires it out quickly by hand to Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart.

The lads are taking the game to them, proper front-foot football. Relentless pressing, the opposition can barely breathe out there. Odell Beckham Jr. sticks to the opposition midfielder and ends up winning the ball in a dangerous area. Pressing is sacrifice, and Odell Beckham Jr. has it in buckets. Close-quarters dribble from Odell Beckham Jr., he finds space where there is none.

Quick one-two between Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and Tom Brady, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Tom Brady spreads it to Albert Einstein, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Albert Einstein lofts a cross into the box, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Header from Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, it grazes the bar but goes over! So close to goal, so far from the target. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep.

Level score. Giannis Antetokounmpo screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Bol Bol boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Tracey from Stockport says a prawn cocktail made entirely from items reduced to ten pence. M&S meal for Tracey! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-2 (L)

Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. OOOH GOAL from Tom Brady! On the assist from Albert Einstein, he curls it along the deck and the ball sneaks into the corner!

The basketball player throws it out to Odell Beckham Jr., quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. The american football player wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. GOOOAL! Odell Beckham Jr. climbs to perfection on the cross from Godzilla and propels the ball into the net. The keeper beaten by an imperial header!

Compact, solid low block, the opposition doesn't know where to play. Lamar Jackson plays firefighter, sprints back to put out the defensive blaze at full speed. Lamar Jackson mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick.

The basketball player boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Interception from Albert Einstein who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Albert Einstein. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. SHOOOOOOT from Lionel Messi! It's whistling towards goal but the keeper beats it away. Strong hands! Lionel Messi takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Oh no, Milano Piano-Piano have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Victor Wembanyama and Albert Einstein do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Victor Wembanyama arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Cristiano Ronaldo stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Milano Piano-Piano. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Albert Einstein cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. A teammate has confirmed that Cristiano Ronaldo watches Bargain Hunt religiously and shouts at the telly when contestants overpay. He once phoned in to complain about a Staffordshire pottery valuation. The man is 41 and fully invested in daytime antiques. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Leave the Roundabout! To win a sat nav that actually understands the Swindon magic roundabout, text 5789 and answer: 'How many times must you go around a roundabout before you are legally allowed to give up and go home?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Victor Wembanyama squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Brilliant pass from Tom Brady! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Odell Beckham Jr. is onto it. CRAAACKER from Odell Beckham Jr. outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Lamar Jackson slides in but gets the man before the ball. Free kick, no complaints.

What a disaster! Milano Piano-Piano score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Lamar Jackson climbs above everyone on the corner from Godzilla but his header is too wide. Victor Wembanyama launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Shai Gilgeous-Alexander after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Stunning tackle by Shai Gilgeous-Alexander in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball.

Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. CRAAACKER from Tom Brady outside the box! On target, heading for the net but the keeper pushes wide! Tom Brady puts in a nice corner but it is headed away at the near post by an opponent. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. The basketball player plays it simple to Tom Brady, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

The basketball player positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Firm pass from Giannis Antetokounmpo into Bol Bol, right into the boots. No waste. Shifting pass from Bol Bol to Albert Einstein, the ball drifts into the free zone and Albert Einstein is onto it in two strides. Awful pass from Albert Einstein, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start.

Victor Wembanyama sends an absolute rocket towards Odell Beckham Jr., almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Odell Beckham Jr. gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building. The american football player produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Tom Brady triggers a change of flanks for Giannis Antetokounmpo, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Driven cross from Giannis Antetokounmpo into the box, Cristiano Ronaldo arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

Albert Einstein nudges the ball to Lamar Jackson from the free kick, the wall has been beaten by guile. Nutmeg from the american football player on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. Lamar Jackson links up with Albert Einstein, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Albert Einstein bounces it off Shai Gilgeous-Alexander for a cutting one-two. It threads between two defenders, that is top quality.

Stalemate at home. Victor Wembanyama and Lionel Messi embrace, more habit than joy. The fans file out quietly, a few clap anyway. The stadium announcer tries a "Come on you lot" chant — it's thin. Time to go home. Norman from Swindon says three full rotations is the legal maximum and after that you must simply accept your fate. Sat nav for Norman! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-3 (L)

What a mess! Sevilla Olé-Olé capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Albert Einstein slips Odell Beckham Jr. in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Odell Beckham Jr. takes a run-up and FIIIRES from distance! It is an unstoppable rocket, the keeper had no chance, GOAL!

Oh no, Sevilla Olé-Olé score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

'I told you so' mode. Victor Wembanyama eyeballs the Sevilla Olé-Olé bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Giannis Antetokounmpo pulls Victor Wembanyama away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Corner from Albert Einstein and a header from Tom Brady, it grazes the bar but goes over. Ooh so close! Victor Wembanyama sparks the transition with a quick throw to Albert Einstein, the break is lightning fast. The inventor overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Pinpoint delivery from the inventor towards Bol Bol, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job.

Instinctive clearance from Giannis Antetokounmpo who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Victor Wembanyama goes long for Albert Einstein, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Huge aerial duel won by Albert Einstein, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane. Massive clearance from the inventor under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

The gaffer changes everything. Formation, personnel, instructions. Odell Beckham Jr. Gets shifted. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander drops deeper. "What we did in the first half never happened, right? We delete it, we burn it, we start fresh." The players listen in grim silence. The second half is a rescue mission now and everyone knows it. Bol Bol claims to hold the unofficial world record for eating 47 Jaffa Cakes in under six minutes. At 27 years old, the achievement remains unrecognised by Guinness but celebrated in the dressing room. And now, our TV game show Who Dares Bins! To win a wheelie bin with your name stencilled on it, text 0800BIN and answer: 'What happens if you put your bins out on the wrong day?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Tom Brady wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Oh that's terrible! Sevilla Olé-Olé score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Victor Wembanyama sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Odell Beckham Jr. Snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Victor Wembanyama waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

The basketball player launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Bol Bol catches the opponent on the ankle, referee blows immediately. Yellow card. Bol Bol lunged in recklessly and took the man clean out.

Lightning one-two between Odell Beckham Jr. and Bol Bol, so quick the defender is left standing like a statue. Odell Beckham Jr. is caught offside from Godzilla's through ball. Flag goes up straight away. Short distribution from Victor Wembanyama to Lionel Messi, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Lionel Messi gives it to Shai Gilgeous-Alexander into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Sharp turn from Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Bol Bol. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution.

Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break. The american football player lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. Victor Wembanyama plays it short to Cristiano Ronaldo, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

The american football player opens up to Lionel Messi on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Cristiano Ronaldo plays it into the channel for Odell Beckham Jr., the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Devastating burst of pace from Odell Beckham Jr., he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Albert Einstein puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Giannis Antetokounmpo is there to finish. The basketball player thumps his header wide of the post. In that position, chances like that do not come around often, shame about the accuracy. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The american football player shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Godzilla. Pure quality, as per usual.

Dangerous delivery from the player on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. The american football player rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Overlap from the american football player with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Lobbed cross from the american football player over the centre-halves for Giannis Antetokounmpo. When you have got that quality of delivery, you cause absolute carnage.

That's that, then. Victor Wembanyama trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Giannis Antetokounmpo hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. Sandra from Rotherham says neighbourhood exile and possible prosecution. The personalised wheelie bin is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-2 (L)

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Victor Wembanyama mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Lamar Jackson plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Victor Wembanyama plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Shai Gilgeous-Alexander steps across and blocks the runner's path. The referee spots it immediately. The basketball player sees yellow for a deliberate foul. At that spot on the pitch, it's just smart game management. MAJESTIC GOAL from the basketball player on the free kick! In that position, knowing how to take a free kick like that makes you INVALUABLE for your team.

Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. Smart pass from Lionel Messi into the hole for Giannis Antetokounmpo, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football. Giannis Antetokounmpo reaches the byline and rolls it back along the ground, Bol Bol receives it in the box. It is on a plate. BLOCKED from Bol Bol! The defender threw his body at it and the ball ricocheted away.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Victor Wembanyama runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Victor Wembanyama tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Albert Einstein sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Tom Brady sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Cristiano Ronaldo. Simple in concept, masterful in execution.

The dressing room feels like a funeral parlour. Grey faces, hollow eyes, shoulders slumped. Lionel Messi has not moved since sitting down. Odell Beckham Jr. Is muttering to {himself} in the corner. The gaffer lets the weight of the scoreline crush them for a full minute before speaking: "Are you done feeling sorry for yourselves? Good. Because I am not done with this match." We can confirm that Victor Wembanyama owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 224, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 2233 and answer this question: 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Godzilla wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Decisive interception from Bol Bol who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Bol Bol saw it all. Bol Bol to Giannis Antetokounmpo, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Giannis Antetokounmpo threads a ball into the void for Godzilla, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous. Godzilla crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Cristiano Ronaldo is in the right place. Aerial duel lost by Cristiano Ronaldo, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in.

Odell Beckham Jr. is all alone at the back post on the corner from Godzilla, he heads it but it goes wide. Short restart from Victor Wembanyama to Tom Brady, building from the back nice and tidy. Lovely anticipation from the american football player who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Tom Brady looks up and launches a long pass towards Bol Bol. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Bol Bol weights his pass into the space for Lionel Messi who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection.

Cristiano Ronaldo uses Bol Bol as a wall, the ball pings back like off a squash court wall. Timing is everything. That's offside. Cristiano Ronaldo was straining at the leash and went too early on Bol Bol's ball. Long kick from Victor Wembanyama, Giannis Antetokounmpo positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Rapid combination: Giannis Antetokounmpo to Lamar Jackson, the ball barely touches the grass between them.

Victor Wembanyama catapults the ball towards Tom Brady from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Tom Brady spots Lamar Jackson in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Step-over from Lamar Jackson, he ghosts past his man in one move!

Long ball from Lionel Messi to Albert Einstein, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. The overlap from Albert Einstein, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Lay-off from Albert Einstein to Godzilla, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. The player plays it simple to Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Stunning one-two between Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and Tom Brady, the defender has been wiped out without anyone touching him. Top drawer.

Corner from Godzilla to the back post, it's knocked back across, SCRAMBLE! Defense boots it clear! Godzilla rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

The basketball player reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. Albert Einstein hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Albert Einstein picks his spot and FIRES! On target, arrowing towards the top corner but the keeper tips it over!

Bol Bol sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. Giannis Antetokounmpo reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks Giannis Antetokounmpo. Bol Bol almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the average wingspan of a Meal Deal sandwich?'. The answer was of course 23 centimetres, though the chicken and bacon triple reaches a majestic 31. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-3 (L)

Sideways ball from Lionel Messi to Bol Bol, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. What a BULLET from Bol Bol! Strike from 28 yards, the ball flies through the air and ends in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Beautiful distribution from Victor Wembanyama to Lionel Messi, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. Interception from Lionel Messi right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Lionel Messi slides it to Cristiano Ronaldo, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Nutmeg from Cristiano Ronaldo on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful. Cristiano Ronaldo gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Tom Brady.

Victor Wembanyama distributes short to Tom Brady, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Tom Brady intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. One touch football: Tom Brady to Lamar Jackson, faster than the opposition can think.

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Firm pass from Godzilla into Lionel Messi, right into the boots. No waste. Lionel Messi lays it off first time to Albert Einstein, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Albert Einstein bounces off Giannis Antetokounmpo, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful.

Superb tackle from the basketball player, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Bol Bol decides to do it all himself, he eats up the ground and wipes out everything in his path. The basketball player gets dispossessed mid-dribble. That is the risk when you try it in that position, sometimes it does not come off. Royal interception from Shai Gilgeous-Alexander! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air.

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. Giannis Antetokounmpo pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. The 28-year-old Godzilla has been spotted playing Snake on a Nokia 3310 in the tunnel before kickoff. At 180, the big man hunched over a tiny phone is a sight that haunts opposition defenders. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7878 and answer this question: 'How many coat hooks are needed to sustain a marriage?' Here come the lads. Victor Wembanyama jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Burst of pace from Cristiano Ronaldo on the wing, the full-back cannot live with that speed. The referee sprints over as Cristiano Ronaldo flattens the attacker with an agricultural tackle. Cristiano Ronaldo sees red for an appalling lunge. That could have broken the attacker's leg! Short free kick from Cristiano Ronaldo to Tom Brady, they are trying the training ground move.

They've scored! London Three-Pints break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Bol Bol puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Bol Bol sends an aerial beauty to Tom Brady, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful.

The basketball player finds Cristiano Ronaldo along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Looping cross from Cristiano Ronaldo, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Lamar Jackson. Danger. Lamar Jackson meets the cross from Lionel Messi with his head, it is wide! The keeper did not even move. The basketball player throws it out to Bol Bol, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Monumental ball from Bol Bol to Giannis Antetokounmpo, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

GOAAAL! London Three-Pints make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Victor Wembanyama opts for the short option to Godzilla, keeping possession, building play, no panic. The player roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head.

GOAL! London Three-Pints are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Victor Wembanyama spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Odell Beckham Jr. Gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Short pass from the inventor to Godzilla, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Godzilla puts it right into the feet of Giannis Antetokounmpo, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Body feint from the basketball player, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage. Giannis Antetokounmpo gets tackled cleanly by the defender mid-dribble. Possession lost.

It's over and London Three-Pints take the points. Victor Wembanyama shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Cristiano Ronaldo walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many coat hooks are needed to sustain a marriage?'. The answer was of course a minimum of six, studies from the University of Barnsley confirm this. Gerald wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.