My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

87-117 (L)

Kevin Garnett sets up shop on the block, one thousand one, one thousand two, and the official counts him right out.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Brandin Podziemski threw it before the help even committed. Baseline spin from Charlie Kirk at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. There is no finesse in that, and there does not need to be. Charlie Kirk simply decided the paint belonged to him.

This is a game inside the game, and Paul Pierce is holding up his end of it in style.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Oldest play in the book, and Brandin Podziemski runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Kevin Garnett has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Halftime whistle. Kevin Garnett spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Did you know? Kevin Garnett has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. And now, our halftime TV game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! To win a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0759 and answer this question: 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Klay Thompson makes it every single trip down the floor. Screen, hesitation, delivery, Kevin Garnett drops it off perfectly for Brandin Podziemski diving to the rim. Charlie Kirk threads a BEAUTY to Brandin Podziemski under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Whistle. Moving screen on Kevin Garnett, and that one was not even close. Ball goes the other way.

OHHHH, that one is going to leave a mark! Charlie Kirk gets flattened and gets the call.

Baseline wide open. Paul Pierce said thank you. This building is SHAKING. Paul Pierce just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Paul Pierce is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Shot clock down to two, Kevin Garnett throws up a prayer from twenty six feet, and it is not answered. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Klay Thompson launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

The crew chief has the headset on, three angles on the screen, everybody in here staring at Brandin Podziemski. The officials come back out, cross their arms, and Brandin Podziemski goes from hero to spectator on one signal.

Kevin Garnett unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Paul Pierce runs a hand down his face. And here is the answer to our game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! Elmer Sizemore of Wet Sock, Louisiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' The answer was of course ninety four degrees near the fan and ninety six everywhere else. Elmer therefore wins a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers! My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

100-93 (W)

Ball moves. Klay Thompson to Kevin Garnett, on time and on target. Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Kevin Garnett, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Kevin Garnett walk away from it.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Kevin Garnett does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Second pass beats the rotation, Paul Pierce to Klay Thompson, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Fifth possession this half where Klay Thompson has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Brandin Podziemski holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Paul Pierce flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Paul Pierce loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Cheap. Nothing about that shot was going down, and Paul Pierce handed over three freebies anyway. Foul trouble is a chess match and Paul Pierce just lost a piece. Three before the break changes how this team defends the pick and roll.

Halftime! Kevin Garnett walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Anecdote: Kevin Garnett slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game of Horseshoes! To win a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0313 and answer this question: 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.

SKIP PASS! Klay Thompson fires it cross court to Charlie Kirk and the defense is dead in the water! Watch Klay Thompson plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Charlie Kirk out of that corner in a blink. Ball into Klay Thompson at the elbow, Charlie Kirk plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Charlie Kirk gets into the paint, sees the shot blocker rising, and simply lifts it over the top of him. Never had a prayer.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Paul Pierce has known that all night long. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Brandin Podziemski gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Paul Pierce should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Charlie Kirk places it perfectly, Paul Pierce plucks it out of the air above the square. Count it.

Paul Pierce does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Kevin Garnett that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Paul Pierce slips it to Brandin Podziemski right in the pocket. Surgical. Brandin Podziemski rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

SPIN and GO! Klay Thompson pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Klay Thompson goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

That is not stalling, that is surgery. Brandin Podziemski up top, ice in his veins, zero panic.

Paul Pierce does the floss while Klay Thompson spins like a top. Kevin Garnett just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. And here is the answer to our game The Dating Game of Horseshoes! Sherman Pilkington of Chicken Bristle, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' The answer was of course forty-one feet, and he did not spill a drop, which is the real story. Sherman takes home a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers! I learned backstage that Klay Thompson also does conspiracy theorist on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

122-101 (W)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Kevin Garnett who wins the little argument at center court.

Paul Pierce just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Brandin Podziemski half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Rip through, one dribble, contact. Brandin Podziemski plays that little game better than anybody on this floor. First one drops clean through, the second one never even touches iron. Cold blooded from Brandin Podziemski.

Paul Pierce launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Down screen, and Kevin Garnett curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Kevin Garnett splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Brandin Podziemski scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Kevin Garnett rises up and REJECTS the layup off the glass, and now he is barking at the whole building about it. One hand, full court, Kevin Garnett hits Paul Pierce in stride and the crowd is already up. OHHHHH POSTERIZED! Paul Pierce just ENDED that defender at the rim!

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Break! Klay Thompson grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Little secret: Klay Thompson watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Casserole! To win a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others, text HOOPS to 555-0177 and answer this question: 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

Kevin Garnett fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand. OFFENSIVE GLASS! Charlie Kirk beats three men to the spot! OHHHH he went and GOT that! Charlie Kirk with the putback jam over two bodies.

Shot clock violation! Charlie Kirk owns the nail, the middle is a no fly zone, and that possession just expired in their hands. The drive gets a step, Paul Pierce stays down, waits for the release, and hammers it off the glass.

Laser from Brandin Podziemski, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. STOP AND GO! Paul Pierce hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Perfect drop-off from Charlie Kirk, and Paul Pierce answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Total control. Brandin Podziemski has this thing on a string. The conspiracy theorist just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Two points left on the floor by Paul Pierce, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Brandin Podziemski controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Klay Thompson comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Watch the feet on Klay Thompson there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

Fourteen. Thirteen. Twelve. Brandin Podziemski is in no hurry whatsoever.

Klay Thompson jumps into Brandin Podziemski's arms without warning. They both go down. And here is the answer to our game Name That Casserole! Bobbie Jo Tatum of Mule Shoe Flats, Texas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the official state bird of a parking lot?' The answer was of course the seagull, even nine hundred miles inland. Bobbie Jo takes home a folding chair with one leg noticeably shorter than the others! I learned tonight that Klay Thompson used to be a conspiracy theorist. That explains the unique running style. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

124-83 (W)

Tip is UP and Kevin Garnett gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Klay Thompson, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Klay Thompson gets both toes behind the line and the contest arrives through his forearm. Here comes the gift.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Brandin Podziemski has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Charlie Kirk precisely where the play wanted it. Screened, toasted, done. Charlie Kirk is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Gift wrapped by Paul Pierce, and Charlie Kirk cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Charlie Kirk gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Paul Pierce saw it a beat early. Court vision like that on the conspiracy theorist is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Perfect arc. Kevin Garnett makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

You can read it in the body language. Klay Thompson has ice in his veins right now, the shot clock does not scare him, nothing does tonight. Heat check for Klay Thompson and it is GOOD. He is COOKING, and this building knows exactly what it is watching.

Klay Thompson cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Charlie Kirk joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

The locker room fills up. Kevin Garnett has already eaten three oranges. Fun fact: Kevin Garnett is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feudal! To win a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage, text HOOPS to 555-0263 and answer this question: 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

The beauty of it is that Brandin Podziemski never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Charlie Kirk.

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Klay Thompson does. Watch the footwork from Klay Thompson: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Down by the baseline, Klay Thompson points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Paul Pierce is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Philadelphia Injury-Report coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Brandin Podziemski already has the defense a full step behind. Left, right, gone. Kevin Garnett put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Not a hand on him. Kevin Garnett flat missed the bunny.

Two defenders, one gap, and Brandin Podziemski finds it. Onions on that pass. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Charlie Kirk!

Watch how they bury Klay Thompson in the corner on the inbound. Nothing happens until he moves, and by then the defense is beaten. OHHHH that is BEAUTIFUL basketball! Klay Thompson finishes the set and the whole bench is up.

Klay Thompson and Kevin Garnett play rock-paper-scissors to decide who carries the ball. Klay Thompson loses. And here is the answer to our game Family Feudal! Randy Dinkins of Sockburn, Ohio, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The answer was of course still yellow, but it means something different. Randy takes home a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage! I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

100-103 (L)

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Brandin Podziemski breaks a shell down. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Paul Pierce gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Paul Pierce never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! OHHHH that is SILKY! Paul Pierce with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

Brandin Podziemski kicks it over to Paul Pierce, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Paul Pierce pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. That is another catch and shoot triple for Paul Pierce, and you can see the closeouts getting more desperate every single trip.

Paul Pierce pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Klay Thompson drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. That is what heavy minutes do, Kevin Garnett has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Third reach charged to Kevin Garnett. At some point the officials stop giving you the benefit of the doubt, and that point was two whistles ago. Hands off, feet moving, no reaching. That is the entire instruction sheet for Kevin Garnett the rest of the way.

In a game this tight, Paul Pierce cannot be giving away a free point over a call that was never coming back. Unforgivable. Paul Pierce would not let it go. He already had one, he knew the rule, and he kept talking anyway.

First half is done. Paul Pierce is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Fun fact: Paul Pierce blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. And now, our halftime TV game show Lingo Bingo Combo Hour! To win a patio heater that produces light but no heat whatsoever, text HOOPS to 555-0876 and answer this question: 'How much does a championship banner weigh once the dust settles?' Break's over, the players take their positions.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Paul Pierce hands it off to Klay Thompson, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. From eight feet Paul Pierce puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Phoenix No-Defense, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Watch the spacing there, Paul Pierce hits Klay Thompson right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Look how low Klay Thompson keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Klay Thompson attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Klay Thompson strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Kevin Garnett carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Brandin Podziemski walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Paul Pierce. That is the shot chart lying to you. Paul Pierce did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Nobody is touching the paint with the conspiracy theorist parked in the middle of it. That is a full time defender doing a part time job, or the other way around.

Brandin Podziemski walks it up past the timeline, nine seconds showing, and you can feel the air go out of this arena. The horn goes off while the ball is still spinning on the iron, and Brandin Podziemski watches it drop away. Brutal, absolutely brutal.

Kevin Garnett and Charlie Kirk walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. And here is the answer to our game show Lingo Bingo Combo Hour! Faye Ellen Hocutt of Turnip Hollow, Maryland, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How much does a championship banner weigh once the dust settles?' The answer was of course eleven pounds of fabric and about a hundred pounds of expectation. Faye Ellen therefore wins a patio heater that produces light but no heat whatsoever! Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

123-90 (W)

Clean feed from Klay Thompson, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. OHHHH the hesi! Brandin Podziemski froze him solid and he is already gone! Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed Brandin Podziemski would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

Pointing up at the family section, Brandin Podziemski taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

The defender planted his feet, and Brandin Podziemski said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Feet already set, hands already ready. Brandin Podziemski takes the feed from Paul Pierce and cashes it.

Brandin Podziemski does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Klay Thompson that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Klay Thompson sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Brandin Podziemski lays it right on his hands in traffic! That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Klay Thompson has it on a string tonight.

One little shoulder dip from Klay Thompson and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. You can live with most mistakes, but fouling Klay Thompson behind the arc gets you a seat next to the coach.

Brandin Podziemski turns the corner off the screen from Kevin Garnett, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Kevin Garnett gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

Kevin Garnett plants himself in front of the Los Angeles Nursing-Home bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Break! Paul Pierce rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Did you know Paul Pierce entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. And now, our halftime TV game show American Idle! To win a two-year subscription to a newsletter about gravel, text HOOPS to 555-0059 and answer this question: 'What is the recommended number of nacho cheese pumps per tray?' Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.

Watch the spacing, Brandin Podziemski drags two bodies toward the ball and Klay Thompson is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. OHHHH! Klay Thompson went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Over the top of everybody. Brandin Podziemski to Klay Thompson in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Here comes the slip from Kevin Garnett, and Klay Thompson reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. That is a dime from Brandin Podziemski that deserved so much better, and Kevin Garnett knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Los Angeles Nursing-Home again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Look at the hands from Brandin Podziemski, active, mirroring every dribble, never reaching. He is a moving cage out there. Four live-ball turnovers now for Klay Thompson, and every single one of them has turned into a bucket. Klay Thompson converts on the break again, and that defense has now been beaten down the floor three straight trips. Somebody better call timeout.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Paul Pierce just did it by hitting Charlie Kirk on the back side with acres of room. GONE down the baseline! Charlie Kirk beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the conspiracy theorist, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

This is the unglamorous half of winning. No highlight, no replay, just Brandin Podziemski shaving twenty-two seconds off the night and handing the ball back.

Paul Pierce runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. And here is the answer to our game American Idle! Lamar Twitty of Little Sandy Corner, Delaware, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the recommended number of nacho cheese pumps per tray?' The answer was of course three, and anything past three is a lifestyle. Lamar takes home a two-year subscription to a newsletter about gravel! My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

112-99 (W)

Tip goes to the conspiracy theorist, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Swing, swing, and Paul Pierce finds Klay Thompson on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Brandin Podziemski eats the contact so Klay Thompson can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. That stepback is unguardable once the drive gets sold, and Klay Thompson has had that defender guessing wrong all night long.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Klay Thompson does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

No hero ball here: Klay Thompson takes what the defense gives and moves it along. The conspiracy theorist pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Klay Thompson and Kevin Garnett just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Soft touch from Klay Thompson, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Klay Thompson sprints to the sideline, hops onto the scorer's table and raises both fists. The stat crew grabs their laptops and security is already moving. A trainer hauls him down by the shorts before anybody gets fined. Worth it, obviously.

Klay Thompson beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless. The conspiracy theorist outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. The conspiracy theorist just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Kevin Garnett hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Both teams head in. Klay Thompson has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Rumor has it Klay Thompson does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. And now, our halftime TV game show Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! To win a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio, text HOOPS to 555-0119 and answer this question: 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.

The help defender committed way too early, and Brandin Podziemski made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. REJECTED! Brandin Podziemski takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

OHHHH the pin-down! Klay Thompson pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Brandin Podziemski. Brutal. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Klay Thompson, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board. Muscled away at the second jump by Brandin Podziemski, and this offense resets with a fresh shot clock. Brandin Podziemski crashes the glass, snatches that miss out of the air and hammers it home. Onions!

The extra pass! Paul Pierce had the look, gave it up anyway, and Charlie Kirk buries it. BANG! So close. Charlie Kirk can only stare at the iron.

Brandin Podziemski rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead. Brandin Podziemski pulls the towel over his head before he even sits down, and you can read the frustration from the upper deck.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Klay Thompson rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Way short from Klay Thompson off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

The longer they stay at that monitor, the louder this place gets, and Paul Pierce is refusing to look at the big screen. Waved off. Paul Pierce got the entire celebration in before the officials even reached the monitor.

Charlie Kirk jumps into Paul Pierce's arms without warning. They both go down. And here is the answer to our game Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! Earlene Stubbs of Possum Notch, Tennessee, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' The answer was of course it depends entirely on whether the pool is paying attention. Earlene takes home a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

106-86 (W)

The conspiracy theorist walls up like a closed door and the shot never gets home. Nine to five, and now this. The pass is the play here. Charlie Kirk never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Kevin Garnett rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Kevin Garnett is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Klay Thompson, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Klay Thompson blows the wide open layup! Hustle play of the night so far. Kevin Garnett gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. Miss, tip, bucket. Kevin Garnett makes his living in the wreckage.

Kevin Garnett cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Brandin Podziemski joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Klay Thompson, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Bless him, Klay Thompson tried a move he has clearly only ever pulled off in an empty gym at midnight. Walk.

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Set called, Klay Thompson waved out to the corner, and Brandin Podziemski watches the spacing open up like a front door. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Klay Thompson has all the room in the world. Drop step, jump hook, bucket! Klay Thompson is doing it the old way.

Well-deserved break. Charlie Kirk looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Did you know Charlie Kirk started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. And now, our halftime TV game show Beat the Shot Clock! To win a rusted horseshoe signed by a man named Dale, text HOOPS to 555-0533 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of nacho cheese at concession stand altitude?' Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

SKIP PASS! Paul Pierce fires it cross court to Charlie Kirk and the defense is dead in the water! Screened, toasted, done. Charlie Kirk is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Buzzer on the shot clock, Charlie Kirk heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Give and go! Brandin Podziemski gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Brandin Podziemski probes to the right, pulls the string, and rises over a helpless closeout from twenty six feet. Splash.

Two guys on the exact same page, Paul Pierce and Brandin Podziemski, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Paul Pierce lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

This is the work that never shows up in a box score, and Charlie Kirk just took two points off the board without a single stat.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Klay Thompson just did it by hitting Paul Pierce on the back side with acres of room. Unselfish basketball. Paul Pierce passes up a good shot and hands Brandin Podziemski a GREAT one. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Brandin Podziemski, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Whistles. Monitor. And Paul Pierce standing frozen at midcourt. The building went up, the building came right back down, and Paul Pierce is staring at a scoreboard that never moved.

Kevin Garnett and Klay Thompson swing Brandin Podziemski around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. And here is the answer to our game show Beat the Shot Clock! Randall Meeks of Coon Holler Springs, Kentucky, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the boiling point of nacho cheese at concession stand altitude?' The answer was of course that it does not boil, it simply becomes more determined. Randall therefore wins a rusted horseshoe signed by a man named Dale! Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

99-97 (W)

Won it clean! Kevin Garnett got up and over him with room to spare.

Over the top of everybody. Brandin Podziemski to Kevin Garnett in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Kevin Garnett passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. The big man never even contested it, and Kevin Garnett still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Brandin Podziemski threw it before the help even committed. Textbook two-man game: Kevin Garnett keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Charlie Kirk rolls into an open runway. Not a hand on him. Charlie Kirk flat missed the bunny.

Paul Pierce gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Brandin Podziemski saw it a beat early. Hard drive, hard stop, and Paul Pierce retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Shot clock at one, and Paul Pierce just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

End of the second quarter. Kevin Garnett is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Intel: Kevin Garnett once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. And now, our halftime TV game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! To win a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing, text HOOPS to 555-1207 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.

Foul on the three-point shooter, and it is Charlie Kirk. The coach is off the bench with both arms out. That is number THREE on Charlie Kirk, and we have not even reached the half.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Klay Thompson launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Brandin Podziemski spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! AIRBALL! Brandin Podziemski missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Push the pace! Brandin Podziemski grabs it and hits Paul Pierce in stride before the defense can even match up. OHHHH the pin-down! Paul Pierce pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Brandin Podziemski. Brutal. BAAAANG! Paul Pierce from the logo, and the entire bench is on its feet losing its mind!

A single dribble is all Klay Thompson needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. That is a dime from Charlie Kirk that deserved so much better, and Klay Thompson knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Two guys on the exact same page, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Third one of these from Paul Pierce this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore. Nobody put a body on Brandin Podziemski and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. BAAAANG! Brandin Podziemski rips the offensive board and puts it right back through!

Brandin Podziemski hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Kevin Garnett shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

HERE WE GO! Charlie Kirk with the rock and everything riding on whatever happens next! Somebody explain how the conspiracy theorist stays that calm with the whole season riding on one shot. You do not learn that anywhere on this planet!

Brandin Podziemski does a backflip. Well, he tries. Klay Thompson applauds the effort. And here is the answer to our game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! Norma Jean Sprinkle of Butterbean Flats, Alaska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' The answer was of course nine, and the tenth one is purely professional. Norma Jean therefore wins a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing! Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

114-102 (W)

Charlie Kirk controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

It started as a hard box out and it ended with Kevin Garnett throwing an elbow the crew could not possibly ignore.

SKIP PASS! Paul Pierce fires it cross court to Brandin Podziemski and the defense is dead in the water! Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Brandin Podziemski and Paul Pierce just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Long and gone. Brandin Podziemski floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Laser from Klay Thompson, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Down screen, and Paul Pierce curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Ball into Brandin Podziemski at the elbow, Paul Pierce plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Runner in the lane by Paul Pierce, high off the fingertips, straight down through the net. Splash!

Coach calls everyone back. Kevin Garnett drags his feet toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Kevin Garnett once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. And now, our halftime TV game show Fifty Fifty or Nothing! To win a decorative barometer that has read STORMY since 1998, text HOOPS to 555-0290 and answer this question: 'How many free throws could a horse make in one hour with no thumbs?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

Watch the change of pace from Klay Thompson, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. Klay Thompson owns the highlight reel tonight.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Klay Thompson stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Klay Thompson just did it by hitting Charlie Kirk on the back side with acres of room. OHHHH, what a read by Charlie Kirk! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Klay Thompson missed that one with real conviction.

No hero ball here: Klay Thompson takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Brandin Podziemski attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Brandin Podziemski gets into the paint, sees the shot blocker rising, and simply lifts it over the top of him. Never had a prayer.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Brandin Podziemski roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

That is vision. Paul Pierce sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Charlie Kirk put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Brandin Podziemski launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Kevin Garnett gives it up to Paul Pierce on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Paul Pierce. The defender fronted him, so Paul Pierce sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Brandin Podziemski takes it out beyond the arc and just stands there, dribbling, watching the clock melt.

Brandin Podziemski and Kevin Garnett slap each other's butts. Klay Thompson declines the invitation. And here is the answer to our game show Fifty Fifty or Nothing! Merle Bodkin of Dry Fork Holler, West Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many free throws could a horse make in one hour with no thumbs?' The answer was of course two, and both of them were technically goaltending. Merle therefore wins a decorative barometer that has read STORMY since 1998! Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

110-102 (W)

Off the shin, out of bounds, and Brandin Podziemski cannot bring himself to look at his own bench.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Klay Thompson launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Give and go! Charlie Kirk gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! No touch. Charlie Kirk left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Klay Thompson waits with both hands on top of his head. Upgraded to THREE. Klay Thompson was downtown the whole time.

The too-small gesture, aimed straight at the New York Over-Timers bench, both hands measuring an inch of air. Their coach is out of his chair and onto the officials. Klay Thompson keeps the pose, unblinking, backpedaling all the way. The arena hits a decibel level that clips the broadcast mics.

They have to shoot over the top of this thing, and the top of it is a long way up. Filthy work from Charlie Kirk. Snatched! Klay Thompson came out of NOWHERE for that one.

Time to breathe. Klay Thompson has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. I've been told Klay Thompson always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show Guess My Salary Cap! To win a sun visor that says FLORIDA but was manufactured in Indiana, text HOOPS to 555-1136 and answer this question: 'What is the exact salary of a mascot with no contract?' Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.

Brandin Podziemski crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Three-point play the old-fashioned way, and Brandin Podziemski buries the freebie without blinking.

Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Brandin Podziemski! Nothing but runway to the rim! Throwing a shoulder into the defender like he is boarding a crowded train, Klay Thompson gets whistled for contact he never needed.

No roll this time. Brandin Podziemski swings it right back to Charlie Kirk above the break, and it is PURE. Rim out for Charlie Kirk, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena. Paul Pierce SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. Second chance points for Paul Pierce, tipping his own miss straight back in before his feet ever touched the floor.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Paul Pierce disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Kevin Garnett is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Brandin Podziemski has known that all night long. Watch Brandin Podziemski plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Kevin Garnett out of that corner in a blink. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Kevin Garnett. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Kevin Garnett has it on a string tonight.

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Klay Thompson punishes it with a read most guys never even see. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Charlie Kirk is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Hold everything, they are going to the replay on Paul Pierce, and this building has stopped breathing. No good! The ball is STILL sitting in the hand of Paul Pierce when that light comes on. Waved off.

Klay Thompson does a backflip. Well, he tries. Kevin Garnett applauds the effort. And here is the answer to our game show Guess My Salary Cap! Marvin Hollopeter of Sandy Britches, New Jersey, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact salary of a mascot with no contract?' The answer was of course free pizza on Thursdays and all the applause he can carry. Marvin therefore wins a sun visor that says FLORIDA but was manufactured in Indiana! I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

104-102 (W)

Clean block, all ball, no whistle, and Kevin Garnett jogs back down the floor like nothing happened. That outlet from Kevin Garnett is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Klay Thompson do that to one of their own.

No hero ball here: Paul Pierce takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Right through the window. Kevin Garnett to Brandin Podziemski on the roll, and the help was a half step late. That is a dime from Klay Thompson that deserved so much better, and Brandin Podziemski knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Brandin Podziemski threw it before the help even committed. The conspiracy theorist just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Brandin Podziemski threads a BEAUTY to Charlie Kirk under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Paul Pierce makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Kevin Garnett he is on the wrong end of it.

Both teams head in. Klay Thompson has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Fun fact: Klay Thompson tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! To win a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting, text HOOPS to 555-0975 and answer this question: 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.

Over the top of everybody. Brandin Podziemski to Kevin Garnett in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Kevin Garnett hands it off to Klay Thompson, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Kevin Garnett blows the wide open layup!

Charlie Kirk stopped the break and started a much bigger problem. Two free throws, the ball right back, and the officials heading to the monitor.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Brandin Podziemski drops it off to Paul Pierce on time and on target. Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Paul Pierce rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Perfect drop-off from Kevin Garnett, and Paul Pierce answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Twenty-four seconds, zero shots. Paul Pierce holds it, the buzzer sounds, and we give it back without ever testing the rim.

SKIP PASS! Brandin Podziemski fires it cross court to Kevin Garnett and the defense is dead in the water! Watch the sell from Kevin Garnett here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and Kevin Garnett rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

Kevin Garnett pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Look at that bench, not one man seated. Kevin Garnett had this moment circled since the walkthrough, and the shot has not even gone up. From WAY downtown! Kevin Garnett walks into it from 27 feet and the red light is on before the ball comes down. DAGGER!

Kevin Garnett steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

Brandin Podziemski and Klay Thompson fake a wrestling match. Paul Pierce plays the referee and calls a timeout. And here is the answer to our game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! Leonard Skidmore of Tumbleweed Alley, Arizona, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' The answer was of course that nobody knows, and the janitors have agreed to stop asking. Leonard therefore wins a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting! I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

102-93 (W)

Brandin Podziemski wraps him up with nobody between the ball and the rim, and the officials do not hesitate for a second. Flagrant one on the drive. Brandin Podziemski dusts himself off and walks to the line, and every possession the rest of the way is personal now.

Kick out to Klay Thompson, one more to Paul Pierce, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Paul Pierce rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Laser from Brandin Podziemski, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. One hard step and Kevin Garnett owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. That is a throwback bucket: Kevin Garnett with his back to the basket, and the defense has absolutely no answer for it.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Two defenders collide on the handoff and Kevin Garnett is gone, so Brandin Podziemski earned that one even if the box score disagrees. You are about to see a coach put his entire face in both hands, and Kevin Garnett has earned every second of that reaction.

Time to breathe. Charlie Kirk has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Did you know Charlie Kirk keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. And now, our halftime TV game show The Bachelor of Science! To win a ceramic frog wearing tiny sunglasses and nothing else, text HOOPS to 555-0264 and answer this question: 'How tall would a stack of every whistle ever blown be?' Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.

OHHHH the separation! Klay Thompson just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Perfect arc. Klay Thompson makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Kevin Garnett beats him to the spot, absorbs the hit, and the official is already pointing the other way.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Perfect timing, no contact, no whistle from Kevin Garnett, just a clean swat and a stance that dares anybody else to try it. OUTLET! Kevin Garnett rips the board and fires it ahead to Paul Pierce before anybody gets back! Two defenders in the lane, Paul Pierce splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Paul Pierce runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Brandin Podziemski put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Brandin Podziemski is walking back with both hands on his head.

Set called, Kevin Garnett waved out to the corner, and Brandin Podziemski watches the spacing open up like a front door. Whirl, and GONE! Kevin Garnett leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Kevin Garnett takes two dribbles past halfcourt, rises from thirty five feet, and the net barely moves. Filthy.

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. Kevin Garnett holds it three seconds. Charlie Kirk applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and Kevin Garnett collects every last one.

OHHHH they are getting FRUSTRATED! Brandin Podziemski has dribbled out almost the entire shot clock without breaking a sweat.

Kevin Garnett takes Brandin Podziemski by the hand and they bow to the crowd like stage actors. And here is the answer to our game The Bachelor of Science! Bonnie Faye Gulick of Windy Gap, Wyoming, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How tall would a stack of every whistle ever blown be?' The answer was of course tall enough to be a problem for airplanes. Bonnie Faye takes home a ceramic frog wearing tiny sunglasses and nothing else! I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

100-123 (L)

The conspiracy theorist just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Klay Thompson retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Ohhh no. Klay Thompson just walked. In front of everybody.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Ball moves. Klay Thompson to Brandin Podziemski, on time and on target. Hesitate, GO. Brandin Podziemski is by that hip before the man even blinks. HAMMER! Brandin Podziemski goes right through the trees and throws it DOWN with the foul!

Break. Paul Pierce collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Anecdote: Paul Pierce slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And now, our halftime TV game show Concentration on Something Else! To win a giant foam finger that points at the ground, text HOOPS to 555-0176 and answer this question: 'How many exits does a corn maze legally require?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Brandin Podziemski just did it by hitting Charlie Kirk on the back side with acres of room. Charlie Kirk comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! A jump hook over a grown professional defender, from the conspiracy theorist? That is the most unexpected fundamentals clinic of the night.

A timeout is coming, it has to be, but Klay Thompson has already turned this into a personal shooting drill with an audience. Klay Thompson felt it, the bench felt it, the arena felt it, and the rim felt absolutely nothing.

Klay Thompson launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Charlie Kirk eats the contact so Kevin Garnett can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Not a hand on him. Kevin Garnett flat missed the bunny.

Brandin Podziemski walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. OHHHH the pocket pass! Charlie Kirk splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Gift wrapped by Klay Thompson, and Brandin Podziemski cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Brandin Podziemski breaks a shell down. Kick out to Kevin Garnett, one more to Paul Pierce, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Up goes the shot from Paul Pierce and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Paul Pierce keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Paul Pierce drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Charlie Kirk does not love that call. Both hands in the air, a long look at the official, and the whistle still counts. Charlie Kirk slides in late on the drive, the official punches the fourth, and the coach is already waving for a sub.

Paul Pierce leaves the court at a jog. Kevin Garnett stays there, planted at center court, motionless. And here is the answer to our game Concentration on Something Else! Sherleen Doty of Big Chimney, Idaho, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many exits does a corn maze legally require?' The answer was of course one, and even that is a suggestion. Sherleen takes home a giant foam finger that points at the ground! Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

111-114 (L)

Laser from Brandin Podziemski, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Charlie Kirk pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Charlie Kirk gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Paul Pierce makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Brandin Podziemski up there and returns it with interest.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Brandin Podziemski breaks a shell down. OHHHH the pin-down! Kevin Garnett pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Brandin Podziemski. Brutal. Getting to his spot and elevating, Kevin Garnett puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Break! Charlie Kirk heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Staff confession: Charlie Kirk is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. And now, our halftime TV game show Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! To win a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio, text HOOPS to 555-0119 and answer this question: 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.

Kevin Garnett gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Paul Pierce saw it a beat early. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Kevin Garnett whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Prayer from Klay Thompson. Not answered.

Kevin Garnett goes up with the hands to the ceiling and the shot comes off the front rim. Textbook verticality. Rebound, look, gone. Paul Pierce to Brandin Podziemski and this is a footrace now. OHHHH what a FINISH from Brandin Podziemski! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Brandin Podziemski steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Brandin Podziemski controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Kevin Garnett rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Kevin Garnett walk away from it.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Klay Thompson pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Klay Thompson cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Swing, swing, and Brandin Podziemski finds Kevin Garnett on the wing before the help can even turn its head. The defender crowded the middle, and Kevin Garnett punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Brandin Podziemski threads a BEAUTY to Kevin Garnett under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Everybody clears out, this is an iso for Klay Thompson, and the whole building knows exactly what is coming next. Four points. One possession. Are you KIDDING me, Klay Thompson?

The noise climbs past whatever the building was engineered for, and Klay Thompson uses it to kneel down and retie a shoe that was already tied. Double knot, no hurry, eyes on the laces. Brandin Podziemski stands over him like a bodyguard while somewhere down there a coach calls a play into a hurricane and loses.

The conspiracy theorist is holding the final possession of a professional basketball game, and this morning he was clocking in like it was any other Tuesday. It caught the front rim, kissed the back iron, took a full lap and fell off. Charlie Kirk is on his knees at half court.

Charlie Kirk whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Kevin Garnett nods without conviction. And here is the answer to our game Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire! Earlene Stubbs of Possum Notch, Tennessee, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many free throws would it take to fill a public swimming pool?' The answer was of course it depends entirely on whether the pool is paying attention. Earlene takes home a commemorative spoon rest shaped like Ohio! My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.