My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

80-112 (L)

Tip goes to the baseball player, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

No hero ball here: Magic Johnson takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Second pass beats the rotation, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to Michael Jordan, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Up goes the shot from Michael Jordan and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Total control. Magic Johnson has this thing on a string. POCKET PASS! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar threads it to Magic Johnson between two bodies and the rim is wide open! OHHHH the POWER! Magic Johnson took the hit and finished it anyway!

STOP AND GO! Michael Jordan hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Michael Jordan drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Into the tunnel. Magic Johnson grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Rumor has it Magic Johnson does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. And now, our halftime TV game show Beat the Clock Radio! To win a coupon book for a car wash that closed in 2011, text HOOPS to 555-0022 and answer this question: 'Why is the mascot always slightly damp?' Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.

The extra pass! Michael Jordan had the look, gave it up anyway, and Lionel Messi buries it. BANG! BRICK! Lionel Messi throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Michael Jordan feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Michael Jordan. Cruel.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

SKIP PASS! Michael Jordan fires it cross court to Aaron Judge and the defense is dead in the water! The baseball player turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Aaron Judge gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

Aaron Judge pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Magic Johnson threw it before the help even committed. The baseball player just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. The big man never even contested it, and Aaron Judge still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Magic Johnson gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. No touch. Magic Johnson left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Aaron Judge. Freeze it right there: leather glued to the fingers of Aaron Judge, horn already screaming. No basket.

Aaron Judge snaps at the bench on his way out. Lionel Messi says nothing, but his look says everything. And here is the answer to our game Beat the Clock Radio! Buford Wamsley of Cement City, Michigan, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Why is the mascot always slightly damp?' The answer was of course that is strictly between the mascot and the mascot. Buford takes home a coupon book for a car wash that closed in 2011! On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Lionel Messi. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

105-104 (W)

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

A scoreless four minutes and counting. The association football player is finding out the hard way that this league punishes tired legs. Second shot clock violation of the half with Lionel Messi holding it too long. Live possessions are too expensive to hand back like that.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Lionel Messi makes it every single trip down the floor. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Aaron Judge pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. The crowd has found its chant, and Aaron Judge is going to be hearing it all night.

This is the matchup they wanted all night, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has quietly turned it into a dead end for their whole offense. Everything starts with that release, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar hitting Lionel Messi in full flight before the defense has even turned around. Lionel Messi attacks the paint, absorbs the bump, twists his body all the way around the defender and reverses it in. FILTHY.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Lionel Messi strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Michael Jordan carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

The association football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. OHHHH the pin-down! Aaron Judge pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Brutal. The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Aaron Judge hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Break. Magic Johnson's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Physio's confession: Magic Johnson purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. And now, our halftime TV game show Truth or Consequences, New Mexico! To win a set of steak knives that cannot cut steak, text HOOPS to 555-0288 and answer this question: 'How many hours can a casserole sit on a church table before it becomes a hazard?' Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.

Clean feed from Lionel Messi, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. The defender planted his feet, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Michael Jordan launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Straight down the baseline goes the baseball player! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Aaron Judge, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Hesitate, GO. Michael Jordan is by that hip before the man even blinks. Late contest, Michael Jordan steps into the contact, whistle blows, and the entire bench puts their hands on their heads.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

No play on the ball whatsoever. Lionel Messi took the man down from behind and hoped the crew was feeling generous. They were not. The most expensive whistle in this sport, and the defender earned every inch of it with what he did to Lionel Messi. Two at the line and the ball right back.

Lionel Messi kicks it over to Aaron Judge, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Aaron Judge gives it up to Michael Jordan on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. So close. Michael Jordan can only stare at the iron.

Rocking it between his legs at the top of the key, Lionel Messi has the defender crouched low and the help one pass away, and this whole gym is holding its breath. Somebody explain how the association football player stays that calm with the whole season riding on one shot. You do not learn that anywhere on this planet!

Aaron Judge runs the full court high-fiving everyone. Lionel Messi follows doing the wave alone. And here is the answer to our game Truth or Consequences, New Mexico! Idella Prather of Lonesome Water, Mississippi, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many hours can a casserole sit on a church table before it becomes a hazard?' The answer was of course two hours, or one if somebody brought mayonnaise. Idella takes home a set of steak knives that cannot cut steak! Evening confession: I'm wearing Aaron Judge's jersey under my shirt. For morale. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

128-93 (W)

Laser from Magic Johnson, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Magic Johnson attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Michael Jordan drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Awful shot by Magic Johnson with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Michael Jordan the moment he crosses half court. Two defenders in the lane, Michael Jordan splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Michael Jordan takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Michael Jordan, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Michael Jordan draws the foul on a THREE-POINT attempt. The building groans, the coach turns around, and nobody wants to make eye contact.

An inbound lob finished by the association football player, in the air, off a set play. Nothing in that job trains you for this.

Halftime. The physio pounces on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to massage his thighs. Fun fact: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Buckets! To win a tackle box packed solid with loose buttons, text HOOPS to 555-1112 and answer this question: 'How many buckets fit in a bucket if the buckets are points?' Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the association football player, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Here comes the slip from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and Michael Jordan reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. OHHHHH FROM THE LOGO! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar pulls up from another area code and it is PURE!

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Aaron Judge joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

One hard jab step and Magic Johnson is leaning the wrong way, and the drive goes right past his shoulder. OHHHH NO. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar pinned it against the glass a half second late and that is goaltending all day.

The association football player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Aaron Judge left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Third one of these from Aaron Judge this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

Dagger from Orlando Magic-Beans. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Magic Johnson controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Magic Johnson is gone, so Lionel Messi earned that one even if the box score disagrees. OHHHH, what a read by Magic Johnson! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed Lionel Messi would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

Lionel Messi rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. Magic Johnson plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

Late rotation from Magic Johnson, he arrives half a beat behind the drive and the contact is obvious to everybody in the building. Six. That is SIX on Magic Johnson, and his night is finished right there.

Lionel Messi does a backflip. Well, he tries. Michael Jordan applauds the effort. And here is the answer to our game show Bowling for Buckets! Tammy Lynn Housewright of Big Elbow, Washington, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many buckets fit in a bucket if the buckets are points?' The answer was of course two per bucket, three from way out, and one if somebody fouls you. Tammy Lynn therefore wins a tackle box packed solid with loose buttons! My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

120-101 (W)

The entry pass never comes, the count keeps running, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gets whistled out of his own paint.

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Set called, Lionel Messi waved out to the corner, and Magic Johnson watches the spacing open up like a front door. One little shoulder dip from Lionel Messi and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. That is the shot chart lying to you. Lionel Messi did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Michael Jordan stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Rising into two defenders, Michael Jordan launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

Push the pace! Magic Johnson grabs it and hits Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in stride before the defense can even match up. Watch the change of pace from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. The defender fronted him, so Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

End of the first act. Lionel Messi is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Anecdote of the day: Lionel Messi forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Leg! To win a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing, text HOOPS to 555-0088 and answer this question: 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

AIRBALL! Michael Jordan missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between! You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Aaron Judge treats every miss like it belongs to him. Unselfish basketball. Aaron Judge passes up a good shot and hands Lionel Messi a GREAT one. Michael Jordan whips the extra pass across the arc, Lionel Messi rises without a dribble, and SPLASH.

Lionel Messi hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Michael Jordan shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Michael Jordan gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Magic Johnson saw it a beat early. Michael Jordan attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Michael Jordan fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Down screen, and Michael Jordan curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. This building is SHAKING. Michael Jordan just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

Over the top of everybody. Magic Johnson to Lionel Messi in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Kick out to Lionel Messi, one more to Aaron Judge, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Aaron Judge should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Michael Jordan crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Deep. Deeper. GONE. Michael Jordan drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Magic Johnson takes it out beyond the arc and just stands there, dribbling, watching the clock melt.

Lionel Messi climbs onto the scorer's table. Magic Johnson joins him. Security is unsure whether to intervene. And here is the answer to our game Supermarket Sweep the Leg! Junior Pennywhistle of Slab Town, Kentucky, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' The answer was of course eight, and the ninth is a private matter. Junior takes home a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing! Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

104-103 (W)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Phoenix No-Defense with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Screened, toasted, done. Lionel Messi is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Pull-up from the elbow by Lionel Messi, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The baseball player is running this zone like he has been drawing it up his entire life. Wrong career, my friend, absolutely the wrong career. Tipped away by Magic Johnson! Loose ball, scramble, bodies everywhere, and it ends up in our hands.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Magic Johnson drops it off to Lionel Messi on time and on target. Aaron Judge eats the contact so Lionel Messi can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Lionel Messi put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Into the tunnel. Lionel Messi grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Anecdote: Lionel Messi tried to impress the Phoenix No-Defense players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. And now, our halftime TV game show Shark Tank of Guppies! To win a hand-stitched quilt featuring nine unrecognizable presidents, text HOOPS to 555-0138 and answer this question: 'How many miles per gallon does a zamboni get?' The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Michael Jordan has all the room in the world. Rim out for Michael Jordan, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Magic Johnson did all the dirty work on that one. That is a dime from Michael Jordan that deserved so much better, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands. Muscled away at the second jump by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and this offense resets with a fresh shot clock. Miss, tip, bucket. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar makes his living in the wreckage.

Ball moves. Magic Johnson to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, on time and on target. OHHHH the hesi! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar froze him solid and he is already gone! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar probes to the right, pulls the string, and rises over a helpless closeout from twenty six feet. Splash.

Hand check on Michael Jordan. That is a foul in this league every single time. Michael Jordan reaches, gets caught, whistle. Third personal, and the coach immediately looks down his bench.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Michael Jordan has known that all night long. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Lionel Messi pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Getting to his spot and elevating, Lionel Messi puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Whirl, and GONE! Michael Jordan leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Michael Jordan rises from deep, the defender flies in a half second late, and the officials put up three fingers.

Entire arena on its feet for the association football player. Whatever comes next, that man tells this story for the rest of his life. The association football player just buried a BUZZER BEATER to win the ballgame, and tomorrow morning he clocks in like none of this ever happened!

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Lionel Messi watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Michael Jordan share a 30-second hug. Lionel Messi wants in. Gets pushed away. And here is the answer to our game Shark Tank of Guppies! Curtis Boggs of Hog Waller, Florida, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many miles per gallon does a zamboni get?' The answer was of course enough, and it does not care for the question. Curtis takes home a hand-stitched quilt featuring nine unrecognizable presidents! As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

100-112 (L)

Won it clean! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar got up and over him with room to spare.

The defender planted his feet, and Michael Jordan said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Michael Jordan rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Magic Johnson, and not one single soul could do anything about it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Magic Johnson!

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Magic Johnson has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Kareem Abdul-Jabbar precisely where the play wanted it. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is walking back with both hands on his head.

Halftime whistle! Aaron Judge slides down against the hallway wall. Did you know Aaron Judge keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feudal! To win a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage, text HOOPS to 555-0263 and answer this question: 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Michael Jordan just did it by hitting Lionel Messi on the back side with acres of room. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Lionel Messi slips it to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar right in the pocket. Surgical. Soft touch from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Salute: sharp, military, held. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. Michael Jordan snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Magic Johnson already has the defense a full step behind. The baseball player just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Gift wrapped by Magic Johnson, and Aaron Judge cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Lionel Messi threw it before the help even committed. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Michael Jordan gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. OHHHH, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar from WAY downtown off the catch! The defense rotated a half second late and paid full price.

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Lionel Messi puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

Clear path on Michael Jordan. Two shots AND the ball. That is the expensive one.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Over the top of everybody. Lionel Messi to Magic Johnson in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Watch Kareem Abdul-Jabbar plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Magic Johnson out of that corner in a blink. That is the shot Magic Johnson wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Rejected by the scheme, not the athlete. Lionel Messi was simply standing exactly where the offense wanted to be. The association football player walls up like a closed door and the shot never gets home. Nine to five, and now this.

Lionel Messi walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Michael Jordan drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game Family Feudal! Randy Dinkins of Sockburn, Ohio, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The answer was of course still yellow, but it means something different. Randy takes home a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage! I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

104-87 (W)

Aaron Judge times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

The association football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Aaron Judge just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Kareem Abdul-Jabbar half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Reverse layup by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

Aaron Judge gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Michael Jordan saw it a beat early. The baseball player pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Down, up, and gone for Aaron Judge. The rim is just toying with him now.

Winning basketball right there: Michael Jordan knocks the swing pass off course and that offense has to run it back from the top. Rebound, look, gone. Magic Johnson to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and this is a footrace now. Nasty finish. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Lionel Messi joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

Lionel Messi launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Magic Johnson hands it off to Lionel Messi, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Magic Johnson goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

First half is done. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Bus driver's confession: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show Backyard Survivor: Aisle Nine! To win a riding mower that will only turn left, text HOOPS to 555-0384 and answer this question: 'How many raccoons live at an average county fairgrounds?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

One hard step and Michael Jordan owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. DOUBLE DRIBBLE! Michael Jordan picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Hands up, one stomp, a short speech, and the whistle answers. Technical foul on Michael Jordan, and the bench is stunned. SLAMMED into the hardwood after the no-call, and that is the second tech on Michael Jordan. Thanks for coming.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Michael Jordan just did it by hitting Lionel Messi on the back side with acres of room. Off the pin-down comes the association football player with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Lionel Messi makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. BAAAANG! Michael Jordan from the logo, and the entire bench is on its feet losing its mind!

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Michael Jordan comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Michael Jordan loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

That is not stalling, that is surgery. Magic Johnson up top, ice in his veins, zero panic.

Aaron Judge moonwalks across the hardwood. Michael Jordan attempts the worm. One of them pulls it off. And here is the answer to our game Backyard Survivor: Aisle Nine! Roberta Klump of Pumpkin Center, Utah, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many raccoons live at an average county fairgrounds?' The answer was of course six during the day and considerably more after dark. Roberta takes home a riding mower that will only turn left! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

101-112 (L)

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Magic Johnson drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. That is a forced shot from the baseball player that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

Look at the spacing here, two shooters lifting to drag the help, and that leaves Aaron Judge an easy read to Magic Johnson in the pocket. Chess.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Magic Johnson stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The crossover comes, Michael Jordan bites hard, and the lane opens up like the front door was left unlocked.

End of the first half. Aaron Judge is beet red but still standing. Did you know? Aaron Judge tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase to the Dollar Store! To win a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care, text HOOPS to 555-0225 and answer this question: 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Swing, swing, and Magic Johnson finds Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Magic Johnson just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Kareem Abdul-Jabbar half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Watch the sell from Michael Jordan here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Shot clock at one, and Michael Jordan just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Magic Johnson walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Watch Magic Johnson plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Aaron Judge out of that corner in a blink. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Aaron Judge, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Laser from Magic Johnson, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. OHHHH, what a read by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Clang. Lionel Messi wants that one back.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Over the top of everybody. Magic Johnson to Aaron Judge in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Screened, toasted, done. Aaron Judge is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Aaron Judge makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. From WAY downtown! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar launched that one from the parking lot!

Nobody is touching the paint with the association football player parked in the middle of it. That is a full time defender doing a part time job, or the other way around. OHHHH, Magic Johnson just took that thing right out of his hands!

Michael Jordan rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Magic Johnson picks up his own and folds it carefully. And here is the answer to our game The Chase to the Dollar Store! Lurlene Dobbins of Rusty Spoon, New Mexico, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' The answer was of course fifty-one seconds, give or take a conscience. Lurlene takes home a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care! On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

111-106 (W)

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jordan put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! OHHHH! Michael Jordan went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

STOP AND GO! Michael Jordan hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Michael Jordan rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Every single possession of that stretch goes through the association football player. Whatever the day job pays, it is not enough for this. Hands on hips over there, a clipboard down on the chair, and it is all because of what Lionel Messi just did.

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar stopped the break and started a much bigger problem. Two free throws, the ball right back, and the officials heading to the monitor. The temperature in this arena just jumped. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar took a dangerous hit, both benches are on their feet, and the officials have peacekeeping to do.

End of the second quarter. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Intel: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares Off! To win a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards, text HOOPS to 555-0431 and answer this question: 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.

Magic Johnson gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Michael Jordan saw it a beat early. SPIN and GO! Magic Johnson pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! There is no finesse in that, and there does not need to be. Magic Johnson simply decided the paint belonged to him.

Magic Johnson cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Lionel Messi joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Watch the spacing there, Magic Johnson hits Michael Jordan right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Michael Jordan, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Drop step, jump hook, bucket! Michael Jordan is doing it the old way.

Michael Jordan sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Houston Blast-Off bench does not find it funny. Magic Johnson pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Michael Jordan retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Ambition, ten out of ten. Footwork, two out of ten. Michael Jordan beat himself before the defender ever showed up.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, Magic Johnson drops it off perfectly for Aaron Judge diving to the rim. That is twice tonight Aaron Judge has tried to create with the dribble already dead, and this league does not reward that.

Baseline wide open. Michael Jordan said thank you. No good. Michael Jordan rushed that one.

The coach just drew up the biggest play of the night for the baseball player, a sentence I did not expect to say out loud this evening. Ice in his veins. Michael Jordan has taken that shot ten thousand times in an empty gym, and it looked exactly the same right there.

Salute: sharp, military, held. Michael Jordan delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. Magic Johnson snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

Aaron Judge gives his headband to a kid in the crowd. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gives his shoes. Lionel Messi gives his water bottle. The kid is overwhelmed. And here is the answer to our game show Hollywood Squares Off! Harlan Prewitt of Muddy Boot, Mississippi, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' The answer was of course that they are showing off for the ceiling. Harlan therefore wins a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards! Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

95-120 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Aaron Judge winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Lionel Messi breaks a shell down. Hesitate, GO. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is by that hip before the man even blinks. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Michael Jordan rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Michael Jordan missed that one with real conviction.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Lionel Messi walks head down toward the tunnel. Did you know Lionel Messi entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. And now, our halftime TV game show Lingo Bingo Combo Hour! To win a patio heater that produces light but no heat whatsoever, text HOOPS to 555-0876 and answer this question: 'How much does a championship banner weigh once the dust settles?' Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

Ooof. Michael Jordan got put on SKATES right there. The baseball player gets whistled for the swipe. Forty honest hours a week and here he is, picking pockets in front of twenty thousand witnesses.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

OHHHH the separation! Magic Johnson just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Rising up out of the corner, Magic Johnson sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Cross court, on a rope, from the association football player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Magic Johnson does. OHHHH what a FINISH from Magic Johnson! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Magic Johnson points at Lionel Messi first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Lionel Messi again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Lionel Messi waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

That is a possession thrown away. Aaron Judge watched the flight of the ball instead of finding a body, and it cost two.

Swing, swing, and Michael Jordan finds Lionel Messi on the wing before the help can even turn its head. The association football player runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. Getting to his spot and elevating, Magic Johnson puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Watch the spacing there, Michael Jordan hits Kareem Abdul-Jabbar right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar! Nothing but runway to the rim! A cruel spin-out for the baseball player, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Two decoy screens, a flare to the weak side, then Aaron Judge coming off the second one. That is the whole thing. Out of the timeout, Lionel Messi hits Aaron Judge right on schedule and it drops! Drawn up, run, done.

Magic Johnson bites his lip, fists clenched. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. And here is the answer to our game show Lingo Bingo Combo Hour! Faye Ellen Hocutt of Turnip Hollow, Maryland, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How much does a championship banner weigh once the dust settles?' The answer was of course eleven pounds of fabric and about a hundred pounds of expectation. Faye Ellen therefore wins a patio heater that produces light but no heat whatsoever! Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

84-117 (L)

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Michael Jordan makes it every single trip down the floor. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. That is the shot Magic Johnson wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The extra pass! Lionel Messi had the look, gave it up anyway, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar buries it. BANG! Rises, releases, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Well-deserved break. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Anecdote of the day: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. And now, our halftime TV game show Big Brother-in-Law! To win a novelty license plate that spells HOTDOG incorrectly, text HOOPS to 555-0296 and answer this question: 'How many pockets can cargo shorts have before they legally become furniture?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

OHHHH the separation! Michael Jordan just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. BANG! Michael Jordan steps back, creates the daylight, and buries it right in the defender's eye.

Michael Jordan hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Aaron Judge shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

BAAAANG! Magic Johnson sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Magic Johnson drops it off to Aaron Judge on time and on target. Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Aaron Judge rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Aaron Judge scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Hands out, palms up, Aaron Judge shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. Lionel Messi is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Somewhere there is a shift with the baseball player written on it for tomorrow morning. Tonight he is out here erasing shots.

Unselfish basketball. Lionel Messi passes up a good shot and hands Kareem Abdul-Jabbar a GREAT one. Pull-up from the elbow by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Aaron Judge sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Magic Johnson lays it right on his hands in traffic! Aaron Judge blows the wide open layup!

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Magic Johnson spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! Three shots for Magic Johnson. Worst foul in the sport.

Both coaches are up off the bench pleading while the officials walk the Aaron Judge sequence back frame by frame. Cold, clinical, and correct. That monitor just took everything from Aaron Judge.

Magic Johnson's eyes are red, jaw tight. Aaron Judge apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. And here is the answer to our game Big Brother-in-Law! Peggy Ann Hollifield of Sassafras Gap, South Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many pockets can cargo shorts have before they legally become furniture?' The answer was of course eleven, and at twelve you have to register them with the county. Peggy Ann takes home a novelty license plate that spells HOTDOG incorrectly! Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

80-112 (L)

The baseball player just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Michael Jordan gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Magic Johnson saw it a beat early. You could hear the whole building groan, and Michael Jordan knew it the second the ball left his fingers, already jogging back on defense.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Total control. Magic Johnson has this thing on a string. No roll this time. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar swings it right back to Michael Jordan above the break, and it is PURE. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Michael Jordan has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

Halftime. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. And now, our halftime TV game show Backyard Survivor: Aisle Nine! To win a riding mower that will only turn left, text HOOPS to 555-0384 and answer this question: 'How many raccoons live at an average county fairgrounds?' Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Michael Jordan. Rip through, one dribble, contact. Michael Jordan plays that little game better than anybody on this floor. Boring is beautiful, and Michael Jordan is automatic from the stripe. That is how you close a game out.

Michael Jordan gets his, then has to stand and watch the other side's best player walk down and get his right back. Ruthless exchange.

Rebounding is pure want-to, and on that one Kareem Abdul-Jabbar just got out-wanted by a stronger, meaner man.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Laser from Lionel Messi, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Beautiful footwork on that one from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Magic Johnson kicks it over to Michael Jordan, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. OHHHH the hesi! Michael Jordan froze him solid and he is already gone! Down, up, and gone for Michael Jordan. The rim is just toying with him now.

Swing, swing, and Magic Johnson finds Aaron Judge on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Hard drive, hard stop, and Aaron Judge retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Way short from Aaron Judge off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Lionel Messi just did it by hitting Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on the back side with acres of room. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Give and go! Aaron Judge gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! The baseball player just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

Magic Johnson bites the inside of his cheek. Lionel Messi pinches the bridge of his nose. And here is the answer to our game Backyard Survivor: Aisle Nine! Roberta Klump of Pumpkin Center, Utah, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many raccoons live at an average county fairgrounds?' The answer was of course six during the day and considerably more after dark. Roberta takes home a riding mower that will only turn left! My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

75-119 (L)

Tip is UP and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Two defenders watching the ball, and Lionel Messi slips in behind both of them completely unbothered.

Hands out, palms up, Lionel Messi shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. Aaron Judge is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Magic Johnson gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Michael Jordan saw it a beat early. OHHHH the pocket pass! Magic Johnson splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Textbook footwork, textbook release from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Back to the locker room. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Fun fact: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. And now, our halftime TV game show Double Dare You! To win a three-pound bag of gas station beef jerky, text HOOPS to 555-0091 and answer this question: 'How many times does a basketball bounce before it forgives you?' Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.

Here comes Michael Jordan sprinting off the elbow. Magic Johnson slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Perfect drop-off from Lionel Messi, and Michael Jordan answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has now cleaned up four misses tonight. OHHHH he went and GOT that! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with the putback jam over two bodies.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Aaron Judge mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Michael Jordan launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the association football player! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Lionel Messi is COOKING and he knows it, he wants every single touch right now! Here is the danger of a hot night: Lionel Messi stops taking the shots that got him going and starts taking the ones that cool him off.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

OHHHH! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar met him at the summit and sent that thing into the third row.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Magic Johnson makes it every single trip down the floor. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. BANG is what Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Swing, swing, and Magic Johnson finds Aaron Judge on the wing before the help can even turn its head. They do not teach that in the baseball player handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Michael Jordan lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Michael Jordan waits with both hands on top of his head. The building went up, the building came right back down, and Michael Jordan is staring at a scoreboard that never moved.

Magic Johnson stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Michael Jordan exhales. Again. And again. And here is the answer to our game Double Dare You! Opal Sisk of Nickel Plate, Colorado, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many times does a basketball bounce before it forgives you?' The answer was of course six, and the seventh is only out of politeness. Opal takes home a three-pound bag of gas station beef jerky! Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

79-118 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar who wins the little argument at center court.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

OHHHH this thing is out of control! Aaron Judge will not let that rival star have the last word tonight!

The help defender committed way too early, and Magic Johnson made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. REJECTED! Magic Johnson takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

THREE SECONDS! Aaron Judge bought property in that paint and forgot to pay the rent.

Halftime! Lionel Messi checks his stats on the board and winces. Anecdote: Lionel Messi once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! To win a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash, text HOOPS to 555-0804 and answer this question: 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Michael Jordan has known that all night long. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. From eight feet Kareem Abdul-Jabbar puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Baseline spin from Michael Jordan at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Buzzer on the shot clock, Michael Jordan heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Clean feed from Magic Johnson, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has all the room in the world. Third look from distance for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar tonight and the arc keeps flattening out, tired legs writing checks the jumper cannot cash.

Whirl, and GONE! Michael Jordan leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Michael Jordan do that to one of their own.

Shimmy from the corner all the way to half court, shoulders loose, chin high. Michael Jordan is in no hurry whatsoever. The home bench tries to copy it and produces something closer to a seizure. The building decides it loves both versions equally.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Textbook two three with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar manning the back line, and they have not seen a clean look in three trips. Eight on the shot clock, Lionel Messi gets a piece of the entry, and the whole set is dead on arrival.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Left, right, gone. Magic Johnson put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Magic Johnson takes two dribbles past halfcourt, rises from thirty five feet, and the net barely moves. Filthy.

Ice in the veins: Magic Johnson taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Aaron Judge mutters 'damn' under his breath. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar says 'yeah' in the same tone. And here is the answer to our game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! Ricky Don Sturgill of Sassafras Bottom, Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' The answer was of course that the scarf lobby got to the rules committee in 1954. Ricky Don therefore wins a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash! I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

82-121 (L)

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Magic Johnson controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Lionel Messi, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. BAAAANG! Lionel Messi catches it and lets it FLY, nothing but net from the corner!

Lionel Messi cups a hand to his ear and turns a slow full circle, milking every section. The upper deck answers louder than the lower bowl, so he points up there and nods. Aaron Judge joins the spin. Forty seconds of noise before anybody inbounds the ball.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Magic Johnson drops it off to Aaron Judge on time and on target. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Aaron Judge and Magic Johnson just played basketball and the defense got shredded. The baseball player just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Straight to the logo at center court, Aaron Judge plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Michael Jordan retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Off the back iron for Michael Jordan, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

Halftime whistle. Michael Jordan flops into the first available chair. Anecdote: Michael Jordan tried to impress the Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. And now, our halftime TV game show Briefcase Roulette! To win a portable radio that only picks up farm reports, text HOOPS to 555-0561 and answer this question: 'How many towels does a bench player go through during a blowout?' The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

OHHHH the bench is GONE! Towels over heads, bodies off the chairs, all because of Magic Johnson! GET THAT OUTTA HERE! Michael Jordan meets that jumper at the top of its flight and spikes it into the sideline.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Lionel Messi breaks a shell down. You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Michael Jordan gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Kareem Abdul-Jabbar nothing.

Closeout from Magic Johnson like a man chasing a bus. Late, out of control, and right into the shooter's landing space. That is a brutal one to swallow. The other team is going to hunt Magic Johnson on every possession until he is gone.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Two guys on the exact same page, Lionel Messi and Michael Jordan, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Prayer from Lionel Messi. Not answered.

Not a bad shot, not a blocked shot, just no shot at all from Aaron Judge. Somehow the worst outcome available.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That is a clean blow-by on Magic Johnson, and the help defense was nowhere in the same area code.

You do not need a scholarship to figure that one out. The association football player just stopped the clock the way people have been stopping clocks in gyms for sixty years.

Lionel Messi hurls his water bottle at the wall. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar flinches but doesn't react. And here is the answer to our game show Briefcase Roulette! Ardith Sprague of Chicken Wing, Illinois, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many towels does a bench player go through during a blowout?' The answer was of course nine, and one of them is purely decorative. Ardith therefore wins a portable radio that only picks up farm reports! While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.