My dream soccer team — football_team 🇨🇦

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Gonzalo Ramos's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from Désiré Doué! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Gonzalo Ramos climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Désiré Doué films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Achraf Hakimi intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Bradley Barcola put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Willian Pacho jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Matvey Safonov parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Willian Pacho launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Marquinhos throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Marquinhos to Bradley Barcola, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Bradley Barcola sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Bradley Barcola fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Vitinha throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Vitinha, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Matvey Safonov sparks the transition with a quick throw to Bradley Barcola, the break is lightning fast. Bradley Barcola launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Bradley Barcola was flying. Lightning overlap from Bradley Barcola, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Bradley Barcola, Désiré Doué receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Matvey Safonov palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Matvey Safonov has covered seven kilometres already." Vitinha shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Matvey Safonov fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Matvey Safonov is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 192, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Matvey Safonov comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Gonçalo Ramos goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Matvey Safonov parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Achraf Hakimi clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Nuno Mendes with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Nuno Mendes to Gonzalo Ramos, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Matvey Safonov getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Willian Pacho wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Marquinhos. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Willian Pacho links up with Gonçalo Ramos, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Vitinha is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Nuno Mendes clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Willian Pacho! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Bradley Barcola curls a cross to the near post, Nuno Mendes is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Matvey Safonov slides on his knees across the wet turf, Marquinhos piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Vitinha winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Vitinha does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Désiré Doué launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Matvey Safonov arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Bradley Barcola sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Bradley Barcola dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Nuno Mendes arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Nuno Mendes places his header from the cross by Gonzalo Ramos, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Achraf Hakimi sends an aerial beauty to Désiré Doué, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Gonçalo Ramos, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Désiré Doué is there to gobble it up. Désiré Doué drifts just offside as Gonçalo Ramos plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Willian Pacho to Achraf Hakimi, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Vitinha threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Désiré Doué bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from Désiré Doué! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Désiré Doué takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Nuno Mendes is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Marquinhos, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Marquinhos adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 32, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Gonçalo Ramos jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Nuno Mendes, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Nuno Mendes, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from João Neves to Nuno Mendes, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Nuno Mendes, Désiré Doué receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO Désiré Doué! The goal was empty, Willian Pacho puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Willian Pacho slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Willian Pacho slides a beauty through the gap, Désiré Doué is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Désiré Doué goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Matvey Safonov runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Achraf Hakimi joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Willian Pacho puts Désiré Doué into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Désiré Doué wants to find Vitinha between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Bradley Barcola to Désiré Doué, they bypass the wall with the combination. Désiré Doué shifts it to Gonçalo Ramos with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Nuno Mendes exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Matvey Safonov just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Matvey Safonov legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Bradley Barcola tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Bradley Barcola presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Bradley Barcola, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Bradley Barcola! On the inswinging cross from Désiré Doué, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Bradley Barcola right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Willian Pacho tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Matvey Safonov has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Nuno Mendes, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Nuno Mendes! It fizzes between the lines and Marquinhos collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Marquinhos sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Nuno Mendes rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Willian Pacho jumps on his back, Matvey Safonov is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Matvey Safonov points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Willian Pacho comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Gonzalo Ramos places it inside the post from the cross by Bradley Barcola, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Gonzalo Ramos mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Vitinha plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Matvey Safonov plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Vitinha is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Gonzalo Ramos adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Nuno Mendes sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 24, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Vitinha high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Bradley Barcola, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Désiré Doué. Désiré Doué crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Achraf Hakimi in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Bradley Barcola, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Bradley Barcola pretends to strike and lays it off to Désiré Doué, well worked short free kick. Désiré Doué takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from Désiré Doué! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Achraf Hakimi on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Achraf Hakimi picks out Marquinhos with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Marquinhos eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Marquinhos pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Marquinhos finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Marquinhos, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Marquinhos opens up to Nuno Mendes on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Nuno Mendes there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Gonçalo Ramos, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Matvey Safonov grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Nuno Mendes is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Achraf Hakimi and Gonzalo Ramos, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Gonzalo Ramos spots the gap and sends Bradley Barcola into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Bradley Barcola sets it for Achraf Hakimi, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Achraf Hakimi slips Marquinhos in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Nuno Mendes lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Marquinhos down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Marquinhos was beyond the last man when Achraf Hakimi released the pass. Gonçalo Ramos scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Vitinha grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Désiré Doué pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Matvey Safonov to Achraf Hakimi, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Achraf Hakimi to the near post and wins the header. Achraf Hakimi was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Willian Pacho! Sumptuous header on the cross from Gonzalo Ramos, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Matvey Safonov stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Marquinhos comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Désiré Doué reads the movement from Bradley Barcola and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Bradley Barcola! On the gift from Gonzalo Ramos, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Désiré Doué stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Nuno Mendes follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Matvey Safonov plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Bradley Barcola shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Désiré Doué. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Désiré Doué looks for Achraf Hakimi but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. João Neves hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. João Neves loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Désiré Doué is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Gonçalo Ramos and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Matvey Safonov owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 192, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Nuno Mendes leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

João Neves launches it to Bradley Barcola on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Achraf Hakimi! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Désiré Doué is away on his own. That is velvet. Désiré Doué bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Gonçalo Ramos triggers a change of flanks for Désiré Doué, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Désiré Doué, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Gonçalo Ramos, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Vitinha played as a cross, Bradley Barcola positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Bradley Barcola, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Matvey Safonov! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Gonzalo Ramos to João Neves, the ball barely touches the grass between them. João Neves spreads the play and finds Vitinha in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Vitinha plays it simple to Désiré Doué, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Désiré Doué puts it right into the feet of Gonzalo Ramos, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Vitinha spreads it to Marquinhos, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Marquinhos tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Marquinhos, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Matvey Safonov launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Achraf Hakimi after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Achraf Hakimi to Gonzalo Ramos, faster than the opposition can think. Gonzalo Ramos gifts Nuno Mendes a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Achraf Hakimi and Vitinha do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Achraf Hakimi turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Gonzalo Ramos, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Gonzalo Ramos! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Gonzalo Ramos sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Gonzalo Ramos legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Gonçalo Ramos tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Désiré Doué finds the gap and serves Gonçalo Ramos in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Gonçalo Ramos, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Bradley Barcola does not fancy the shot and goes short to Achraf Hakimi, trying to disorganise the defence. Achraf Hakimi beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Achraf Hakimi rolls it to Gonzalo Ramos, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Gonzalo Ramos and João Neves blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Matvey Safonov eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Désiré Doué pulls Matvey Safonov away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Vitinha takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Vitinha over the entire defence, Nuno Mendes finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Matvey Safonov! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Matvey Safonov to Achraf Hakimi, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Marquinhos wants to push higher. Gonzalo Ramos reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Gonzalo Ramos, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Marquinhos, standing at 183, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Vitinha is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Vitinha delivers a tidy ball to Gonçalo Ramos, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Gonçalo Ramos that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Marquinhos sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Willian Pacho absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Gonzalo Ramos into Marquinhos, right into the boots. No waste. Marquinhos turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Willian Pacho. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Willian Pacho! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Bradley Barcola is beside himself. Tidy restart from Matvey Safonov along the deck to Marquinhos, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Marquinhos shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Désiré Doué chips his cross over the back line, Achraf Hakimi is at the far post, free as a bird. Achraf Hakimi goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Gonçalo Ramos finds Achraf Hakimi between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Achraf Hakimi switches the play to Marquinhos on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Marquinhos dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Marquinhos goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from Désiré Doué, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Désiré Doué shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from Désiré Doué... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Matvey Safonov eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Désiré Doué pulls Matvey Safonov away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Nuno Mendes. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Gonzalo Ramos! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Gonzalo Ramos takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Gonçalo Ramos follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Gonzalo Ramos plays the simple ball to Willian Pacho, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Willian Pacho pulls it back along the ground for Gonzalo Ramos, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOOOAL for Gonzalo Ramos! On the genius pass from Vitinha, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Gonzalo Ramos climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Gonçalo Ramos films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Step-overs from Bradley Barcola followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Bradley Barcola treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Bradley Barcola stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Vitinha comes over and hugs him without a word.

Vitinha delivers an inswinging free kick, Gonzalo Ramos at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from Gonzalo Ramos, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Désiré Doué hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Marquinhos wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Brilliant tackle from Nuno Mendes! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Little shift from Nuno Mendes to Bradley Barcola, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ball over the top from Bradley Barcola, Vitinha had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Gonçalo Ramos gives it to João Neves into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. It falls apart for João Neves, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Matvey Safonov winces. Achraf Hakimi looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Bradley Barcola once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 24-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Vitinha sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Willian Pacho produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Bradley Barcola powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Bradley Barcola floats a cross in from the wing for Achraf Hakimi, the ball hangs in the box!

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

João Neves changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Nuno Mendes. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Magnificent leap from Nuno Mendes who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Vitinha picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him.

Vitinha delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Désiré Doué hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Matvey Safonov throws it out quickly to Gonzalo Ramos, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Diagonal from Gonzalo Ramos to Bradley Barcola, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good run from Bradley Barcola who crosses to the near post for Nuno Mendes. The defender is beaten to it.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Matvey Safonov runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Gonçalo Ramos joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from Désiré Doué is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Willian Pacho heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Willian Pacho looks up and launches a long pass towards Marquinhos. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lay-off from Marquinhos to Désiré Doué, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Fantastic high recovery from Désiré Doué, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

1-1. Gonzalo Ramos and Désiré Doué are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Gonzalo Ramos. "Next time," replies Désiré Doué. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

Gonzalo Ramos tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Gonzalo Ramos follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Bradley Barcola! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Gonzalo Ramos fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. João Neves plays the medic running in. Matvey Safonov plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Nuno Mendes sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Absolute peach from Nuno Mendes, threading it through for Bradley Barcola, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOAL for Bradley Barcola! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Willian Pacho with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Solo charge from Willian Pacho, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOAL! What a LOB from Willian Pacho! On the pass from Bradley Barcola, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Willian Pacho spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Gonçalo Ramos gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Vitinha into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Magnificent reading of the game from Achraf Hakimi, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Gonçalo Ramos drops a lofted ball to Bradley Barcola, it sails over the entire midfield line. Bradley Barcola lofts a cross into the box, Gonçalo Ramos is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Gonçalo Ramos rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss pulls João Neves aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 22 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." João Neves just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We can exclusively reveal that Gonzalo Ramos, standing 180, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. João Neves sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Matvey Safonov fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Gonçalo Ramos plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Nuno Mendes refuses to give up, sprints all the way back and arrives just in time to make the tackle. Nuno Mendes commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. Nuno Mendes picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. Nuno Mendes tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The corner from Désiré Doué comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Stunning tackle by Nuno Mendes in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Bradley Barcola puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Bradley Barcola reaches the byline and cuts it back for Gonçalo Ramos arriving from the second wave.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Matvey Safonov dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Huge tackle from Nuno Mendes! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Wicked through ball from Nuno Mendes, the ball skims the grass and finds Achraf Hakimi who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Achraf Hakimi rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Matvey Safonov distributes short to Désiré Doué, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Smooth transition from Désiré Doué to Nuno Mendes, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Nuno Mendes drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The free kick from Vitinha is a dangerous one, Gonzalo Ramos meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Gonzalo Ramos loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. SAVE from Matvey Safonov! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

What a result against Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Matvey Safonov walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Nuno Mendes follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The ball from Achraf Hakimi rips through the defensive curtain, Nuno Mendes is flying into the space like an arrow. Nuno Mendes looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Achraf Hakimi mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Vitinha raises Achraf Hakimi's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Matvey Safonov plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Achraf Hakimi clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by Désiré Doué, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Blistering run from João Neves on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. João Neves dives in the penalty area, hoping to con the referee. Not today, son. João Neves booked for simulation, he was looking for a penalty and found a yellow card instead. João Neves plays a low free kick into the box, Désiré Doué cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Matvey Safonov hoofs it forward towards Gonçalo Ramos, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from Gonçalo Ramos, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Willian Pacho brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Cross from Willian Pacho, he puts it on the far post for Achraf Hakimi. Achraf Hakimi tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Everything on the line, Matvey Safonov is up, nothing to lose now. What a leap from Willian Pacho! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Willian Pacho slides it to Achraf Hakimi, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Désiré Doué is biting {his} nails in the corner. Matvey Safonov stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Achraf Hakimi once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 28-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Gonzalo Ramos leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Marquinhos lays it off first time to Désiré Doué, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Désiré Doué keeps it short to Bradley Barcola, no frills, just good football intelligence. Bradley Barcola takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Bradley Barcola tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after João Neves's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Marquinhos boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Marquinhos launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from Marquinhos, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Gonçalo Ramos tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Willian Pacho sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Vitinha bounces off Marquinhos, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. One laser pass from Vitinha and the entire defence is eliminated, Désiré Doué is through on goal. The space is enormous. Désiré Doué is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Nuno Mendes is shaking his head. Short distribution from Matvey Safonov to Vitinha, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Vitinha, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Nuno Mendes reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from Nuno Mendes to Gonçalo Ramos, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Gonçalo Ramos looks for Gonzalo Ramos with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Gonçalo Ramos kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Marquinhos does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Matvey Safonov kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Désiré Doué takes a knee behind him. Matvey Safonov raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall combination between Nuno Mendes and Gonzalo Ramos, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOL from Nuno Mendes! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Nuno Mendes legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Gonzalo Ramos tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quick one-two between Achraf Hakimi and João Neves, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from João Neves, Bradley Barcola arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Bradley Barcola winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Achraf Hakimi strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Gonçalo Ramos points at it, jaw on the floor. Matvey Safonov shakes his head, not believing it.

Rainbow flick from Gonzalo Ramos, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Lovely use of the ball by Gonzalo Ramos, finding João Neves in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shifting pass from João Neves to Désiré Doué, the ball drifts into the free zone and Désiré Doué is onto it in two strides.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Nuno Mendes, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Nuno Mendes takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Quite remarkable — João Neves got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 22 years old. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Marquinhos is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Powerful run from Bradley Barcola down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Bradley Barcola looks up and swings in a floated cross, Gonçalo Ramos rises among the defenders. Cross from Gonçalo Ramos far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from Désiré Doué on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Neat lay-off from Désiré Doué for Willian Pacho in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Willian Pacho unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Line-breaking pass from Bradley Barcola! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Gonzalo Ramos picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Gonzalo Ramos thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Willian Pacho's pass. Matvey Safonov goes long for Marquinhos, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Marquinhos sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The corner from João Neves is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Monumental ball from Gonçalo Ramos to Willian Pacho, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap from Willian Pacho with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The dribble from Willian Pacho fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Classy interception from Gonçalo Ramos, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Nuno Mendes sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Gonzalo Ramos is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Gonzalo Ramos is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Nuno Mendes's pass was beautifully weighted too. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Nuno Mendes feeds Marquinhos in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Majestic individual run from João Neves, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. João Neves shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Matvey Safonov distributes by hand to Gonçalo Ramos on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Gonçalo Ramos wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Désiré Doué pings a long diagonal to Marquinhos, completely shifts the point of attack. Magnificent shift from Marquinhos! Achraf Hakimi picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Achraf Hakimi takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cut-back from Achraf Hakimi, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Désiré Doué.

Points shared. Vitinha sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Bradley Barcola crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Absolutely immense from Achraf Hakimi! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOAL! Désiré Doué onto the pass from Gonçalo Ramos produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Achraf Hakimi runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Vitinha gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

High recovery from Vitinha, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOOAL! Gonçalo Ramos turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Monster clearance from Matvey Safonov, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Gonçalo Ramos. Aerial duel lost by Gonçalo Ramos, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Matvey Safonov stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from João Neves, header from Gonçalo Ramos at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored.

Désiré Doué pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. WOOOW Désiré Doué launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Bradley Barcola's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Almighty boot from Gonzalo Ramos who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Matvey Safonov is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Nuno Mendes, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Now this is properly British — João Neves once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 22 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Gonzalo Ramos wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Nuno Mendes launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Royal interception from Achraf Hakimi! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Massive clearance from Achraf Hakimi, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Superb defensive work from Nuno Mendes there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Gonzalo Ramos tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

João Neves gives it to Vitinha who returns it first time, João Neves ghosts past his man like he does not exist. João Neves accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Foul by João Neves in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. João Neves combines with Bradley Barcola from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Matvey Safonov and Willian Pacho do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Matvey Safonov arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

João Neves plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Booking for João Neves. Went in high with the forearm, the opponent felt that. Free kick swung in by João Neves, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Vitinha is lurking. Aerial duel won by Vitinha in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Matvey Safonov rolls it short to João Neves into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, João Neves finds Gonzalo Ramos on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Gonzalo Ramos delivers a tidy ball to Gonçalo Ramos, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Full time, full joy! João Neves walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Willian Pacho carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-1 (W)

Surging run from Gonçalo Ramos from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Gonçalo Ramos storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. Penalty from Gonçalo Ramos! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

Gonçalo Ramos sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Willian Pacho snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Matvey Safonov waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Achraf Hakimi with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Gonçalo Ramos spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Solidarity move: Achraf Hakimi grabs Désiré Doué who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Désiré Doué a standing ovation right through to the restart.

One touch football: Nuno Mendes to Achraf Hakimi, faster than the opposition can think. The opponent is bundled over by Achraf Hakimi. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Booking for Achraf Hakimi, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last. Free kick from Achraf Hakimi... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch. Massive clearance from Willian Pacho in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Ferocious press from Désiré Doué! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Désiré Doué plays it into the channel for Achraf Hakimi, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Achraf Hakimi aims for Désiré Doué but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. What positioning from Achraf Hakimi! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Achraf Hakimi boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Willian Pacho with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Brilliant switch of play from Willian Pacho! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Désiré Doué. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Bradley Barcola is leaning back with {his} feet up, 182 cm of pure relaxation. Achraf Hakimi is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A wonderful anecdote — Willian Pacho once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 25 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. João Neves leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Oh dear oh dear! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Désiré Doué unleashes a raking ball out to Vitinha, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Vitinha weights his pass into the space for Désiré Doué who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Bradley Barcola launches a long ball for Désiré Doué, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Matvey Safonov plays out from the back with Willian Pacho, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Burst of speed from Willian Pacho, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Matvey Safonov closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Matvey Safonov opts for the short option to Nuno Mendes, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Free kick from Désiré Doué delivered with pace, Nuno Mendes finds himself in space at the far post. The cross from Nuno Mendes is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm.

Désiré Doué slips Gonçalo Ramos in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Flash wall from Marquinhos for Gonçalo Ramos who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. The defence holds its line and Gonçalo Ramos is caught offside from Désiré Doué's ball over the top. Matvey Safonov boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Gonzalo Ramos! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Gonzalo Ramos slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

Matvey Safonov plays it along the ground to Bradley Barcola, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Switch from Bradley Barcola! The ball arcs over the midfield and Désiré Doué collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Désiré Doué releases Marquinhos with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Marquinhos gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Bradley Barcola just needs to sidefoot it home. Bradley Barcola with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on!

What a result against Istanbul Cehennem FK! Matvey Safonov walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Vitinha follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Telepathic pass from Désiré Doué to João Neves, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. João Neves lobs the keeper and it is GOAL! The audacity to attempt that finish at THIS moment of the match is what makes GREAT players. Perfect lob, perfect trajectory, PERFECT goal!

Long kick from Matvey Safonov, Marquinhos positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Marquinhos explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Chipped cross from Marquinhos over the defence, Nuno Mendes is underneath it. That is a killer ball.

The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Oh what a challenge! Willian Pacho goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Enormous clearance from Willian Pacho inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Désiré Doué plays the free kick quickly to Marquinhos, they catch the defence napping. OHHH Marquinhos strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Gonzalo Ramos tries his luck and puts it on the third tier. The crowd give him an ironic round of applause.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. João Neves picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Lobbed cross from João Neves, it sails over the entire back four and Nuno Mendes is there behind. Brilliant. Lovely high take from Matvey Safonov! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. Matvey Safonov sends an absolute rocket towards Willian Pacho, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Vitinha claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. A scouting report from Désiré Doué's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 21 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' They are back. Gonçalo Ramos salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Gonzalo Ramos overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Looping cross from Gonzalo Ramos, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Désiré Doué. Danger. Cross from Désiré Doué intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. Panicked clearance from Désiré Doué, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Free kick from João Neves, lovely delivery and Gonzalo Ramos rises above the defence. Gonzalo Ramos goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Good ball from Gonzalo Ramos to Désiré Doué, playing it quick between the lines. Désiré Doué wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure.

Marquinhos goes crossfield to Vitinha, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Cross from Vitinha off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Gonçalo Ramos at the far side. Matvey Safonov repels the attempt with a reflex save! Clinical, clean, absolutely enormous. Gonzalo Ramos heads the corner from João Neves at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough.

The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! Nuno Mendes has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! OVER THE BAR! Nuno Mendes sends the penalty into the stands! Absolute disaster!

Matvey Safonov lumps it long towards Gonzalo Ramos, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Magnificent tackle from Gonzalo Ramos! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Gonzalo Ramos feeds Désiré Doué in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. WHAT A SHAME for Désiré Doué! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Massive win over Milano Piano-Piano! Bradley Barcola is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Achraf Hakimi pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-1 (W)

Achraf Hakimi goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Oh the TOUCH from Gonzalo Ramos! SUBLIME lob! The keeper is ten yards off his line, Gonzalo Ramos spots it, chips the ball and it drops right into the goal. MASTERPIECE!

Achraf Hakimi kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Gonzalo Ramos takes a knee behind him. Matvey Safonov raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Bradley Barcola rises on the delivery from Gonçalo Ramos and powers a furious header into the net!

Willian Pacho rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Achraf Hakimi. The far side is completely deserted. Brilliant opening from Achraf Hakimi for João Neves, frees up the entire left flank. Driven cross from João Neves into the box, Achraf Hakimi arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

It's hit the back of the net! Sevilla Olé-Olé lead and we look completely lost.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. What a rush out from Matvey Safonov! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. Matvey Safonov smashes a volley towards Gonzalo Ramos, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Massive diagonal from Gonzalo Ramos! Nuno Mendes receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. João Neves is chatting with Matvey Safonov about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." Now Willian Pacho — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 187, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Back on the pitch and Matvey Safonov is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. VAR shows just how bad the challenge was, Nuno Mendes is sent to the dressing room! Unbelievable scenes! Nuno Mendes has kicked out at the opponent off the ball. He's been sent off. Nuno Mendes plays the free kick back to Marquinhos, they are looking for the shooting angle.

Sharp turn from Bradley Barcola, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. The attacker tries to sprint past but Bradley Barcola grabs the waistband, foul! Yellow shown to Bradley Barcola, he brought down the man rather than let him play the through ball. Bradley Barcola shapes to shoot but plays it short to Gonzalo Ramos, the defence is caught flat-footed.

Quick one-two between Gonzalo Ramos and Achraf Hakimi, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Careless distribution from Achraf Hakimi, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Huge interception from Marquinhos! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Marquinhos feeds Achraf Hakimi in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Lay-off from Achraf Hakimi to João Neves, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Gonçalo Ramos gives it to Bradley Barcola into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Bradley Barcola has a go but the shot is deflected! The defender took the ball full in the chest. Corner from Marquinhos, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Lifesaving clearance from Bradley Barcola! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. João Neves pings a ridiculous diagonal to Vitinha. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Vitinha is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Willian Pacho lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

It's over and we've won it! Matvey Safonov grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Nuno Mendes pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

And it's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

João Neves feeds Gonçalo Ramos in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. GOOOOAL from Gonçalo Ramos! MASTERFUL long-range strike, the ball traces a perfect line and ends in the net!

Marquinhos anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Marquinhos beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Marquinhos takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. High recovery from Gonzalo Ramos, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Gonzalo Ramos sets it for Gonçalo Ramos, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Matvey Safonov plays it short to Bradley Barcola, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Bradley Barcola plays the simple ball to João Neves, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

The gaffer pulls up München Ordnung-Muss-Sein's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Matvey Safonov, you have the pace. Nuno Mendes, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. A little fun fact for you — Matvey Safonov, all 192 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Willian Pacho leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Driven kick from Matvey Safonov to Gonzalo Ramos, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Gonzalo Ramos powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Gonzalo Ramos tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw. What composure from Matvey Safonov! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Massive punt from Matvey Safonov, sends the ball sixty yards, Bradley Barcola is scrapping for it up top.

The free kick from Bradley Barcola clears the defence and finds Gonçalo Ramos in the danger area. Gonçalo Ramos beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Gonçalo Ramos winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

Bradley Barcola gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Absolutely disgraceful from Bradley Barcola. Not a shred of contact and he's writhing on the floor. Bradley Barcola earns a yellow card for diving, you reap what you sow on the pitch. The free kick from Bradley Barcola is floated in, Gonçalo Ramos makes his run to the back post.

They've scored! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Matvey Safonov spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. João Neves gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Willian Pacho swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Gonzalo Ramos, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Gonzalo Ramos wins the header and flicks it on for João Neves. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Big clearance from Gonzalo Ramos under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Willian Pacho dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

Vitinha sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Gonzalo Ramos. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Bradley Barcola drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Désiré Doué read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Devastating burst of pace from Désiré Doué, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Gonzalo Ramos leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Yellow card. Gonzalo Ramos racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore. Gonzalo Ramos's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment. Long ball from Matvey Safonov for João Neves who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Points shared with München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Matvey Safonov slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. João Neves has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-1 (W)

They're going for broke, nothing can stop them now. Mad scenes, Matvey Safonov sprinting to the halfway line to get back up in time. GOOOOL from Vitinha! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Gonzalo Ramos, the ball brushes the post and is in!

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Gonçalo Ramos catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. GOOOOOOL from Gonçalo Ramos! On the pass from João Neves, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

Gonçalo Ramos does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Matvey Safonov launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Matvey Safonov arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. João Neves finds Vitinha between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Brilliant cut-back from Vitinha along the grass for João Neves. That is an absolute peach of a ball. João Neves trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Vitinha had done it all, what an absolute waste. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Désiré Doué lays it off first time to Willian Pacho, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Willian Pacho squares it back for Marquinhos, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

Matvey Safonov catapults the ball towards Marquinhos from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Interception from Marquinhos who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Marquinhos. One touch football: Marquinhos to Vitinha, faster than the opposition can think.

Vitinha starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Willian Pacho conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Now here's a proper one — Gonzalo Ramos was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 180, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' And we are back underway! Willian Pacho jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Pass into no-man's land from Gonzalo Ramos, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Nuno Mendes sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery.

What a disaster! London Three-Pints score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Matvey Safonov is at the centre, lifted up by Vitinha and Matvey Safonov, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Roulette from Vitinha on his marker, the skill is magnificent, the crowd goes wild! Failed dribble from Vitinha, he tried to do too much and the defender capitalises. Marquinhos mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Marquinhos sends an inswinging free kick in, Bradley Barcola rises for the header at the far post.

Nuno Mendes cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Nuno Mendes slides it to Willian Pacho, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Long ball from Willian Pacho to Désiré Doué, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Change of flanks from Nuno Mendes, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Achraf Hakimi. Achraf Hakimi tries to find Nuno Mendes but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Nuno Mendes goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Nuno Mendes just won it. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Vitinha has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though.

Bradley Barcola presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Bradley Barcola unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Marquinhos frees up the entire channel for Gonçalo Ramos with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Low cut-back from Gonçalo Ramos, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Nuno Mendes.

Brilliant! Marquinhos goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Matvey Safonov photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'