My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · by Chris Cormack · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Pinhead! Picture this: the man is massive, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Pumpkinhead. An amateur in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles bare hands better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Pumpkinhead has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the game and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
75-119 (L)
Pinhead announces themselves! The priest has arrived and the building knows it!
Pinhead gets blocked! Rejected harder than a priest's worst day on the job!
Pumpkinhead, this tweener, commits the travel! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the footwork!
Pinhead left in the dust! Even a priest moves faster than that!
Pumpkinhead glares at the scoreboard! This raw talent not happy with the situation!
Break! Chucky rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Fun fact: Chucky failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Michael Myers rattles it out! Shaking the hardwood with their bare hands intensity!
Chucky is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure serial killer stubbornness!
Sloppy handling by Pinhead! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Jason Voorhees mouths off at right from the tip-off! A computer scientist venting about the game!
Pinhead sits alone on the bench. This potential breakout star processing the defeat.
Jason Voorhees replays the score in his head on a loop. Pinhead tries to think about something else. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
89-133 (L)
Jason Voorhees stretches center court! Loosening up, the computer scientist is getting ready!
Pinhead misses from the corner! In the paint is no place for their bare hands!
Chucky with a wild pass that sails out! This guy nobody was talking about giving it away!
Michael Myers gets posterized! A computer scientist framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
Pinhead walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Halftime whistle. Pumpkinhead spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Small detail: Pumpkinhead wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Pumpkinhead takes a tough catch-and-shoot triple and it doesn't go! Tendency to force bad shots in shot selection!
Pumpkinhead steps back but the legs won't cooperate! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up!
Pinhead gets picked! A priest getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Jason Voorhees, this guy with a proven track record, refuses to high-five! Injury-prone body hurting the chemistry!
This name that's buzzing Michael Myers stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this name that's buzzing wanted.
Chucky hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Jason Voorhees keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. I learned that Chucky's father was a serial killer. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
74-118 (L)
Chucky, this tweener, announced to huge cheers! An incredible energy!
Michael Myers launches and misses! The ball isn't the game, and it shows!
Pinhead loses the Wilson! A priest would never be this careless!
Chucky fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a serial killer chasing the unsuspecting prey!
This player nobody saw coming Pumpkinhead gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Jason Voorhees picks up the pace. Did you know Jason Voorhees knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Orlando Magic-Beans's colors. By accident, obviously. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
This guy with a proven track record Michael Myers whiffs on a sky hook! The crowd groans!
Michael Myers asks for ice! Cooling down, even a computer scientist's engine needs a rest!
Pinhead forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Jason Voorhees, this established player, with the frustrated foul! Occasional mental lapses in tough moments!
This raw talent Pumpkinhead shakes hands and moves on. In the end, limited stamina proved costly.
Pinhead punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Pumpkinhead slides down the wall to the floor. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
89-134 (L)
Jason Voorhees checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Pinhead puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their bare hands can save that!
Michael Myers drives carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Jason Voorhees, this tweener, gets blown by on the perimeter! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the legs!
Jason Voorhees picks up the second technical! This seasoned vet ejected! Occasional mental lapses!
Break. Jason Voorhees collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. They say Jason Voorhees has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Pumpkinhead, this versatile guy, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this guy nobody was talking about!
Pumpkinhead is cramping up! This raw talent trying to shake it off! Heavy feet!
Jason Voorhees trips up in the key! A computer scientist never trips at work... Right?
Jason Voorhees buries their face! Hidden from view, the computer scientist can't watch!
Chucky consoles teammates! The heart of a serial killer in that moment!
Chucky slams his fist on the bench. Pinhead places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
80-125 (L)
Pinhead takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Air ball from Michael Myers! Being a computer scientist doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Chucky with the careless pass! Stalking the unsuspecting prey with more care, please!
Chucky gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the unsuspecting prey on a rough day!
Pumpkinhead mutters to himself walking back! This raw talent fighting inner demons!
Halftime. Pumpkinhead throws his towel on the floor walking in. Did you know Pumpkinhead entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Pumpkinhead, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the look but can't convert under the basket!
Jason Voorhees labors up the court! Trudging like a computer scientist dragging the game!
Michael Myers, this solid build, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at the buzzer!
Pumpkinhead gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to rush on full display!
Michael Myers shoots past the media. This up-and-coming baller not in the mood to talk.
Michael Myers hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Pinhead keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
75-120 (L)
Michael Myers huddles with the team! Huddling up, the computer scientist strategizes!
A sky hook by Pinhead facing the rim is way off! Tough night for this dark horse!
Michael Myers gets the ball stripped! The game would have stayed in a computer scientist's grip!
This legit talent Jason Voorhees fouls reaching in! Injury-prone body on defense!
Pumpkinhead drops the head after another miss! Occasional mental lapses sapping the confidence!
Back to the locker room. Pumpkinhead's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Anecdote: Pumpkinhead once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Pumpkinhead rushes a tear drop at half court! Limited stamina creeping in!
Pumpkinhead, this versatile guy, looks exhausted on the low block! The legs are gone!
This diamond in the rough Pumpkinhead commits the offensive foul! Turnover in transition!
Chucky slams the ball in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Pumpkinhead, this do-it-all player, hangs the head. Tough loss despite scary good handles effort.
Pumpkinhead replays the score in his head on a loop. Chucky tries to think about something else. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
76-120 (L)
Pumpkinhead posts up with energy from the opening whistle! This unknown gem locked in!
This respected competitor Michael Myers throws up a prayer from downtown! Not answered!
This guy nobody was talking about Pumpkinhead with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Chucky gets posted up and scored on! This hidden prospect overpowered!
Michael Myers stares in disbelief! The look of a computer scientist who just lost everything!
Halftime whistle. Chucky high-fives his teammates on the way out. Little secret: Chucky watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
This newcomer Pumpkinhead short-arms a devastating dunk from downtown! Not enough lift!
This seasoned vet Michael Myers can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Pumpkinhead coughs up the Wilson! Defense that's basically a suggestion strikes again on the low block!
Michael Myers storms to the bench! Heated! This computer scientist doesn't handle losing well!
Jason Voorhees wipes a tear! A computer scientist who poured everything into the effort!
Pumpkinhead turns back to look at the court one last time. Jason Voorhees doesn't turn around. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
80-124 (L)
Jason Voorhees, this respected competitor, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Chucky misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Jason Voorhees turns it over in the free-throw line! Butterfingers from this computer scientist!
Pumpkinhead loses the screen battle! Hot head around the picks!
Pumpkinhead, this hidden prospect, barks at the teammate! Lack of consistency taking over!
Break! Chucky takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. I've been told Chucky always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Pumpkinhead fires a deep three back to the basket but can't connect! Limited stamina showing!
This surprise package Pumpkinhead is a warrior but the body says no! The contest of war!
Jason Voorhees dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a computer scientist like that!
This guy nobody was talking about Pinhead throws an elbow in frustration! Injury-prone body on full display!
Pinhead looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a priest!
Pinhead walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Chucky speeds up. Wants it to be over. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
86-130 (L)
Michael Myers, this versatile guy, sets the tone immediately! Next-level basketball IQ from the jump!
A buzzer-beater from Pumpkinhead catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Chucky with the backcourt violation! This potential breakout star under too much pressure!
Jason Voorhees gets blown by! Even a computer scientist couldn't stop that!
Pinhead glares at the leather! Like it personally betrayed this priest!
End of the first act. Pinhead is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Fun fact: Pinhead tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Michael Myers misfires from mid-range! Their bare hands calibration needed!
Chucky finds a second wind! The serial killer engine roars back to life!
Michael Myers loses possession! The game never leaves a computer scientist's hands like that!
Jason Voorhees, this combo guard, pounds the scorer's table! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
Pumpkinhead walks off in silence. This hungry young player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Chucky mutters 'damn' under his breath. Jason Voorhees says 'yeah' in the same tone. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
90-134 (L)
Michael Myers gets the starting nod! A computer scientist starting with their bare hands confidence!
Pinhead launches a euro-step and... Airball! Tendency to force bad shots at its peak!
Stolen from Pinhead! A priest who let it slip through their fingers!
Chucky beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the unsuspecting prey slipping from a serial killer!
Pinhead slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a priest hits the workbench!
End of the first half. Pinhead is beet red but still standing. True story: Pinhead walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Denver Horse-Track. Awkward. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Pinhead misfires at the buzzer! This raw talent searching for answers!
Jason Voorhees jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for competing the game tomorrow!
Jason Voorhees with the backcourt violation! A computer scientist going backwards with the game!
Chucky kicks the air! The frustration of a serial killer who knows they can do better!
Pinhead refuses to make excuses! A priest owns the game failures too!
Pinhead punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Chucky slides down the wall to the floor. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
90-134 (L)
The floor welcomes Michael Myers! The computer scientist with the game has arrived!
Michael Myers forces up a hook shot over the defense! Occasional mental lapses! Bad decision!
Pumpkinhead with the lazy pass! Tendency to rush leading to easy points!
Pinhead, this combo guard, can't keep up with the speed! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
Michael Myers crosses over and kicks the stanchion! This seasoned vet losing composure!
The players leave the court. Pumpkinhead clings to the tunnel railing. Anecdote: Pumpkinhead once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Pinhead, this hidden prospect, sends the rock wide! The touch is off tonight!
Jason Voorhees is running on fumes! The computer scientist tank is completely empty!
Michael Myers throws it away! A pass worse than a computer scientist tossing the game!
This total unknown Pumpkinhead slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Michael Myers walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to computer scientist life tomorrow!
Chucky sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Pumpkinhead has his head in his hands. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
79-124 (L)
The game begins and Pumpkinhead is ready! You can see unreal swagger written all over his face!
This surprise package Pinhead misses the mark! A fadeaway jumper goes begging from way beyond the arc!
Michael Myers coughs it up! A computer scientist's grip doesn't work on the ball!
This diamond in the rough Pinhead misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Pinhead vents at their teammates! The priest who vents about the game!
Coach calls everyone back. Pinhead drags his feet toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Pinhead once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Chucky crosses over the basketball into nothing! Heavy feet on full display tonight!
Pinhead gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from competing the game and hooping!
Intercepted! Michael Myers's pass snatched right out of the air! A computer scientist would never be that careless!
Michael Myers mouths off and picks up a T! Ego the size of Texas taking over!
Pinhead walks off in defeat! Even a priest's skills couldn't save tonight!
Chucky hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Pumpkinhead keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
87-131 (L)
Pinhead starts in the sixth man! Playing the sixth man the way a priest plays with their bare hands!
Michael Myers skips it off the rim! The game has better hop than that!
Michael Myers, this versatile guy, gets called for the carry! Heavy feet in ball-handling!
Chucky, this all-around player, fouls unnecessarily from mid-range! Occasional mental lapses!
Pinhead tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the priest will bounce back!
Break time. Pinhead bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Fun fact: Pinhead was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
A bucket from Chucky goes in and out! Heartbreaking under the basket!
This total unknown Chucky calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Occasional mental lapses taking its toll!
Pumpkinhead penetrates into a dead end from the right corner! Turnover! Lack of consistency!
Pinhead dunks away from the huddle! This diamond in the rough in a dark place mentally!
Pumpkinhead had the chances but couldn't convert. This diamond in the rough left wanting.
Pumpkinhead mutters while walking out. Chucky watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-133 (L)
This guy nobody was talking about Pumpkinhead comes out firing! A two-handed slam in the first minute!
Jason Voorhees clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
Michael Myers, this smooth operator, fumbles the entry pass at the top of the key!
Michael Myers, this swiss-army-knife type, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over hot head!
Pinhead, this all-around player, sits down hard on the bench! Sometimes predictable game written all over his face!
Halftime. Pinhead's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Confession: Pinhead believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Pinhead, this do-it-all player, wastes a golden chance with a wild free throw!
Michael Myers can barely run! The four quarters harder than the four quarters of competing the game!
Pumpkinhead spins into a trap! Sometimes predictable game when reading the defense!
Michael Myers, this smooth operator, throws the hands up! Exasperated back to the basket!
Despite the loss, Chucky held their own with the unsuspecting prey! The serial killer fought!
Pumpkinhead lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Jason Voorhees holds his in. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
77-122 (L)
And we're underway! Michael Myers touches the rock first! This solid pro looks eager!
Jason Voorhees, this combo guard, bobbles the damn ball and the chance evaporates along the baseline!
Chucky, this all-around player, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
Michael Myers lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this up-and-coming baller fooled!
Pinhead storms to the bench! This hungry young player is visibly upset!
Time to breathe. Pumpkinhead has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Intel: Pumpkinhead asked Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Michael Myers can't hit from the low post! That zone is cursed for this computer scientist!
Jason Voorhees struggles in crunch time! The computer scientist hitting the wall with the game!
This established player Jason Voorhees forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
This diamond in the rough Pumpkinhead stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
This unknown gem Pumpkinhead leaves the temple of basketball with head held high. Fought to the end.
Pumpkinhead's eyes are red, jaw tight. Chucky apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Pinhead.
Season journal
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