My dream soccer team — football_team 🇨🇦

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

The keeper stays focused, knowing something has to give. The referee keeping an eye on it, Tim Duncan in the box, corner about to be delivered. Headed goal for Leon Draisaitl from the perfect cross by Cristiano Ronaldo, the keeper is beaten.

Paolo Maldini launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Cafu clips the opponent's heels as he turns. Not intentional, but it's a foul.

Telepathic pass from Kevin De Bruyne to Bonnie Blue, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Wide from the tv host! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in. Tim Duncan smashes a volley towards Jonathan David, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Jonathan David sends the game to the other side with a long pass to LeBron James. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. What a leap from LeBron James! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure.

Enormous press from Leon Draisaitl who wins the ball thirty yards from goal. The opponent buckled under the pressure. Leon Draisaitl tries to dink the ball over the onrushing keeper but it curls too much and drifts wide. Tim Duncan plays it along the ground to Cafu, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

It's a goal for Paris Saint-Glinglin! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Tim Duncan arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. LeBron James slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Tea cups everywhere. The gaffer has launched the lot. There is PG Tips running down the wall and broken ceramic on the floor. "That," he says, pointing at the mess, "is what our defensive shape looks like right now. An absolute disaster." Tim Duncan stares at the carnage. Paolo Maldini swallows hard. Nobody disagrees. A scouting report from Leon Draisaitl's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 31 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5959 and answer this question: 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?' And we are back underway! Victor Wembanyama jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The free kick from Victor Wembanyama is played to the side for Bonnie Blue, intelligent stuff. The tv host gets to the byline and floats one in for Kevin De Bruyne. Crossing is his bread and butter. The cross from Kevin De Bruyne is blocked by a defender, the defence has done its job. Cafu whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Jonathan David to Paolo Maldini, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

Emergency clearance from the tv host, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast.

Paolo Maldini uses Vozinha as a wall, the ball pings back like off a squash court wall. Timing is everything. Paolo Maldini gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Pull-back from Paolo Maldini, Victor Wembanyama controls on the edge of the area. Massive opportunity.

They've scored! Paris Saint-Glinglin break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Tim Duncan stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Cafu comes over and hugs him without a word.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Cristiano Ronaldo lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Cafu down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them.

Kevin De Bruyne plays it to Paolo Maldini on the short corner, they stall to draw the defense and create space. Paolo Maldini puts it right into the feet of LeBron James, one touch and away. Silky stuff. The basketball player has a crack and FIIIIRES! On target but the keeper saves. In that position, you've got to be brave enough to shoot and he absolutely was.

Magnificent reading of the game from Paolo Maldini, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Vozinha goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking. Vozinha shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't.

Painful afternoon. Bonnie Blue and Cafu walk side by side toward the tunnel, neither saying a word. Their studs echo on the concrete. Somewhere behind them, Paris Saint-Glinglin's lot are singing. It carries down the corridor. Sounds get louder when you've lost. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?'. The answer was of course Mach 2 on a Sunday, or Mach 4 if someone has pushed at the post office. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Huge tackle from Jonathan David! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Jonathan David embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. GOOOOAL! Jonathan David places his shot into the bottom corner from the cross by Kevin De Bruyne, surgical finish!

Jonathan David places the ball on the centre spot, stands on top of it, arms in a V like a pharaoh on his throne. LeBron James falls to his knees bowing. Tim Duncan does a slow sarcastic clap. The home end loves this magnificent arrogance.

Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. BOOOM the basketball player rocks the net! In that position, when you draw a strike like that, the whole stadium is on its feet. GOAL!

Jonathan David throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Back to the keeper for the fifteenth time, fans have had enough. Superb pass from Leon Draisaitl into the gap for Victor Wembanyama, the defender is rooted to the spot. Victor Wembanyama wants to play it quick but the pass to Paolo Maldini is wayward, lacking any precision.

Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. Vozinha picks his spot and SHOOTS! Wide of the near post, genuinely not far off. Tim Duncan launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Victor Wembanyama after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Bad pass from the basketball player, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Vozinha finds Jonathan David in the dead zone between the full-back and the centre-half, pass into space, collected on the run. Pure class.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "LeBron James has covered seven kilometres already." Kevin De Bruyne shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" LeBron James fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Quite remarkable — Kevin De Bruyne got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 35 years old. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 9999 and answer this question: 'In what year did socks become illegal in Barnsley?' LeBron James trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

GOAL! México No-Era-Penal strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Tim Duncan mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. Jonathan David plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Tim Duncan applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. OHHH it's gone past by a whisker! Kevin De Bruyne strikes and the ball grazes the right-hand post. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Diagonal from Paolo Maldini to Bonnie Blue, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Bonnie Blue tries to find Leon Draisaitl but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff.

Decisive interception from Jonathan David who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Jonathan David saw it all. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Victor Wembanyama charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible.

The basketball player spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Vozinha. That is exactly why he is out there. Vozinha lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. LeBron James chops the opponent down at the halfway line. Stops the counter.

Brilliant switch of play from Paolo Maldini! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of LeBron James. Burst of speed from LeBron James, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Sideways ball from LeBron James to Jonathan David, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Jonathan David launches it to Victor Wembanyama on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

The basketball player takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon. PENALTY awarded by the referee! LeBron James has been brought down in full stride inside the box. The defender committed the foul, the referee SAW everything. Moment of TRUTH! LeBron James steps up, strikes the penalty... and it's blocked! The keeper read the trajectory perfectly. Paolo Maldini absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

What a performance! Kevin De Bruyne exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Paolo Maldini just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did socks become illegal in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 1974, following the Great Sock Uprising. Brenda wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-1 (W)

Through ball from the tv host for Jonathan David, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. GOOOOAL! Jonathan David was lurking in the right place, he toes it in past the keeper.

Cafu anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Ball over the top from Cafu, Paolo Maldini had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. Paolo Maldini hangs around the box like a vulture! And BAM, he turns the smallest scrap into a goal. GOAL!

Paolo Maldini goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Paolo Maldini lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Victor Wembanyama is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Victor Wembanyama was barely on his way up. The basketball player plucks the cross with both hands. In that position, when you have that authority in the air, your defence plays with their eyes closed. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Tim Duncan slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Jonathan David photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. Just wide! Leon Draisaitl struck it well but lacked that tiny bit of precision. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Vozinha triggers a change of flanks for Paolo Maldini, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Awful pass from Paolo Maldini, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start.

The boss pulls Vozinha aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 40 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Vozinha just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. Now this is class — Tim Duncan once tried to pay for petrol entirely in coins and held up the queue for twelve minutes. The woman behind him nearly called the police. He was 50 at the time and maintains he was 'clearing out the change jar.' Utterly British. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' Vozinha leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Masterful reading from Jonathan David who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Jonathan David plays it simple to Cafu, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Cafu floats it into the gap for Bonnie Blue, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot. Backpass from Bonnie Blue goes completely wrong, the ball rolls to nobody and the opposition pounces on it.

The tv host launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Lovely anticipation from the basketball player who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. The basketball player boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless.

The basketball player finds Leon Draisaitl with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Leon Draisaitl slips Paolo Maldini in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Paolo Maldini overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Paolo Maldini beautifully lobs the defence with a chipped cross, Kevin De Bruyne is there to finish.

Kevin De Bruyne chains a roulette into a step-over, defenders are dropping like flies. Kevin De Bruyne tries one dribble too many and gets the ball pinched by the defender. Foul by Kevin De Bruyne on the opponent, clips him from behind. Free kick. Kevin De Bruyne plays the free kick as a cross, Bonnie Blue finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown.

Cafu steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. One laser pass from Bonnie Blue and the entire defence is eliminated, Leon Draisaitl is through on goal. The space is enormous. Offside against the ice hockey player, who mistimed his run on Paolo Maldini's pass.

Cafu anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! Vozinha explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. What a STRIIIIKE from Vozinha! Arrowing towards goal, on target but the keeper produces an absolute worldie!

Full time, full joy! Tim Duncan walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Jonathan David carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib are yesterday's news. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Tim Duncan rolls it short to Victor Wembanyama into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Short build-up from Victor Wembanyama to Cafu, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. GOOOAL! Cafu unleashes from VERY FAR and sends the ball into the goal. The keeper was well placed but had no chance!

Tim Duncan sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Leon Draisaitl snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Tim Duncan waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

The lads smell blood, they're pouring forward in numbers. LeBron James bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Victor Wembanyama wins the aerial battle. The basketball player wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts.

Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Passing it around in the centre circle, not a single risk taken. Vozinha changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Jonathan David. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Jonathan David wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Paolo Maldini reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Paolo Maldini keeps it short to Vozinha, no frills, just good football intelligence. With one swing of the boot, Vozinha finds Bonnie Blue on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Bonnie Blue plays the simple ball to Jonathan David, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. Overlap from the ice hockey player with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Leon Draisaitl tries a step-over but the defender is not buying it and wins the ball. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

Tactical debate in the corner. Bonnie Blue wants to push higher. Vozinha reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Vozinha, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. Absolutely classic — Victor Wembanyama was once the star attraction at a village boot sale in Suffolk, selling his nan's ornamental plates. Raised forty-seven quid and a tin of Quality Street. The man is a national treasure at 22 years old. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' Kick-off! LeBron James wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Inch-perfect cross from Victor Wembanyama, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds Kevin De Bruyne at the back post. Kevin De Bruyne crosses but it hits the defender's knee. The danger is cleared. LeBron James aims the corner to the back post but it is headed clear by the defence. Royal interception from LeBron James! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible.

Oh it's gone in! Dakar Teranga FC find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. Careless distribution from Cristiano Ronaldo, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Bonnie Blue swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating.

Cafu goes in recklessly on the attacker, studs showing! The referee blows immediately. The referee is reviewing the footage, taking his sweet time. The fans can barely watch. The challenge on Cafu doesn't survive the VAR check! No penalty! The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Tim Duncan plays out from the back with Paolo Maldini, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Great vision from Paolo Maldini who switches to LeBron James. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Lay-off from LeBron James to Leon Draisaitl, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. The ice hockey player whips in a classic cross for LeBron James in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc.

Lay-off from Jonathan David to Cafu out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. Cafu takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Cafu over the defensive line, the ball drops right onto Leon Draisaitl. What precision. Tim Duncan catches the ball in front of the attacker, immaculate handling. Long kick from Tim Duncan, Bonnie Blue positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

Draw. Tim Duncan sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Jonathan David waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

Enormous anticipation from Jonathan David who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. GOOOAL for Leon Draisaitl! On the cross from Vozinha, he controls and shoots, sends a bomb into the back of the net. SUMPTUOUS!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Jonathan David ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Tim Duncan leaps over him. Tim Duncan walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Paolo Maldini swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Cafu, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Cafu bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Lovely use of the ball by Cafu, finding Kevin De Bruyne in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Kevin De Bruyne goes crossfield to Victor Wembanyama, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

Instinctive clearance from Bonnie Blue who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Tim Duncan fires it out quickly by hand to Cafu, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Cafu sends an aerial beauty to Paolo Maldini, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Rapid combination: Paolo Maldini to Kevin De Bruyne, the ball barely touches the grass between them.

Massive punt from Tim Duncan, sends the ball sixty yards, Vozinha is scrapping for it up top. Vozinha slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. Vozinha lays it off first time to Victor Wembanyama, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Victor Wembanyama skins the defender with a quick shimmy, the opponent will not see the ball again. The basketball player bends the ball into the box for Cristiano Ronaldo. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games.

Cristiano Ronaldo reads the movement from LeBron James and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. LeBron James buries his chance from Bonnie Blue's ball but the celebrations last about two seconds. Offside! Tim Duncan opts for the short option to Vozinha, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Cafu stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Douala Makossa-Corner. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Cristiano Ronaldo cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Here's a belter — Vozinha is genuinely terrified of pigeons. Absolutely petrified. The lads had to escort him through Trafalgar Square last summer and he was clinging to the physio like a child. He's 189 and built like a shed, but one pigeon and he's gone. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4848 and answer this question: 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Tim Duncan takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Perfectly coordinated low block, the opposition looks helpless. Cafu boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Victor Wembanyama pings a ridiculous diagonal to Cristiano Ronaldo. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

Victor Wembanyama delivers a tidy ball to Cafu, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Cafu plays it back across the floor in the box, Paolo Maldini receives centrally. This is the textbook cut-back.

GOAAAL! Douala Makossa-Corner score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Tim Duncan and Kevin De Bruyne do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Tim Duncan arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Flash wall from Cristiano Ronaldo for LeBron James who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. LeBron James sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Low cut-back from LeBron James, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Cafu.

Tim Duncan throws it out quickly to Cristiano Ronaldo, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. It falls apart for Cristiano Ronaldo, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again. Big clearance from LeBron James under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line.

Decisive interception from the tv host, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Bonnie Blue spots Victor Wembanyama in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Victor Wembanyama crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Cristiano Ronaldo is in the right place. Header from Cristiano Ronaldo on the perfect cross from LeBron James, it fliiies but it is over the bar!

Level at the final whistle. Cafu and Vozinha walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which animal is legally considered furniture in Stoke-on-Trent?'. The answer was of course the tortoise, following the Furniture Reclassification Act after one was mistaken for an ottoman for nine years. Geraldine wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-1 (W)

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Kevin De Bruyne picks it up from thirty yards and powers through the entire midfield. Nobody can stop him. GOAL from Kevin De Bruyne! A lob of outrageous DELICACY! The keeper came out, Kevin De Bruyne spotted it and dinked it over him. That is GENIUS, all finesse!

High recovery from LeBron James, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. The ball from LeBron James rips through the defensive curtain, Paolo Maldini is flying into the space like an arrow. Paolo Maldini unleashes a HOWITZER on the cross from Cristiano Ronaldo! The ball rips the net, GOOOAL!

Corner from Vozinha and a header from Cristiano Ronaldo but it goes over! He had to hit the target there. The basketball player throws it out to Jonathan David, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Jonathan David cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Jonathan David drops a lofted ball to Cristiano Ronaldo, it sails over the entire midfield line. Shifting pass from Cristiano Ronaldo to LeBron James, the ball drifts into the free zone and LeBron James is onto it in two strides.

Jonathan David rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Victor Wembanyama. The far side is completely deserted. Header won by Victor Wembanyama, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall. Victor Wembanyama picks out Leon Draisaitl with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge.

Switch from Jonathan David! The ball arcs over the midfield and Cristiano Ronaldo collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Cristiano Ronaldo sends in a classic cross, it arrives on Paolo Maldini in the thick of it. The basketball player pushes the shot away with an iron fist. In that position, reflexes are everything, and right there he was MONUMENTAL. Corner from Vozinha and a header from Kevin De Bruyne, it grazes the bar but goes over. Ooh so close!

Someone has brought a bag of Haribo into the dressing room and it is absolute carnage. Kevin De Bruyne is hoarding the fried eggs. Leon Draisaitl is fighting over the last cola bottle. The gaffer watches the chaos with the resigned smile of a man who has seen it all. "You lot are like a bunch of kids. Right, listen up, here is the plan for the second half." You won't believe this, but Victor Wembanyama has been collecting Tesco Clubcard points since he was fourteen years old. Word in the dressing room is he's sitting on over two million points and still won't spend them. Saving up for a caravan in Skegness, apparently. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Right then, part two. Tim Duncan adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really. The basketball player plays it simple to Vozinha, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Vozinha feeds Cristiano Ronaldo in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Cristiano Ronaldo shifts it wide to Leon Draisaitl on the right, lovely ball into the space.

Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point? The basketball player lays it off first time to Kevin De Bruyne, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Kevin De Bruyne makes a mess of a simple pass to Bonnie Blue, the ball bobbles and ends up with the opposition.

What a tackle by Cafu! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Solo charge from Cafu, he sets off from his own box and carries the ball the full length of the field. Cafu tries to be clever but gets dispossessed cleanly by his direct opponent. Jonathan David senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best.

GOAAAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

The basketball player opens up to LeBron James on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. The basketball player rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Panicked clearance from LeBron James, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Great overlap from LeBron James down the flank, pinpoint cross for Cristiano Ronaldo in the area. This is the moment. Cristiano Ronaldo tries to find Jonathan David with a cross but the defender cuts it out. Cristiano Ronaldo floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear. The basketball player positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

What a performance! Tim Duncan exchanges jerseys with the Lagos No-Carry-Last skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Bonnie Blue just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

Cristiano Ronaldo finds Jonathan David between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Jonathan David rolls it back across the turf, Victor Wembanyama is lurking in the box, ready to pounce. Victor Wembanyama looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

GOAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Tim Duncan and Leon Draisaitl do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Tim Duncan arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Free kick swung in by Vozinha, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Victor Wembanyama is lurking. Victor Wembanyama takes off and beats everyone to the header. Nobody can compete with him in the air. Effort from Victor Wembanyama, it's GOIIIIING and it's on target! The keeper gets down well and holds it. No goal.

That's a beauty from Cafu! Slides across the turf and takes the ball off the attacker's boot. Clinical defending. Key pass from Cafu! It fizzes between the lines and Kevin De Bruyne collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. SHOOOOOT from Kevin De Bruyne, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Vozinha plays the one-two with Cafu, give and go, that is absolutely silky! Devastating burst of pace from Vozinha, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Vozinha sets up Cafu with a pull-back in the heart of the area, that is a silk delivery.

Jonathan David paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Jonathan David exhales and sits. We can exclusively reveal that LeBron James, standing 206, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 2244 and answer this question: 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?' Kick-off! Paolo Maldini wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Victor Wembanyama charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening. Close-quarters dribble from Victor Wembanyama, he finds space where there is none. The basketball player winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming. Tim Duncan hoofs it forward towards Vozinha, clearance mode, no time to mess about.

Tim Duncan goes long for Cafu, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Cafu beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Cafu hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Jonathan David wins the header and flicks it on for LeBron James. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Quick one-two between Jonathan David and Kevin De Bruyne, clean as you like, they are moving forward.

Little shift from Paolo Maldini to Vozinha, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Cut-back from Vozinha, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Leon Draisaitl. Leon Draisaitl shoots but it's deflected at the last moment by the defender who stuck his head in! What courage. Jonathan David scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. Aerial duel lost by Cafu, he is beaten to the punch by the attacker. The ball flies over his head.

The timing is everything: Paolo Maldini releases the ball at the perfect moment and Cafu explodes into the space behind. The defence is cooked. Flag up! Cafu was beyond the last man when Cristiano Ronaldo released the pass. Massive clearance from the ice hockey player under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

Overlap from LeBron James on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. LeBron James sends in a half-hearted cross, the keeper catches it without even jumping. Tim Duncan catapults the ball towards Vozinha from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Wing switch from Vozinha, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Paolo Maldini brings it down with a velvet touch. Class.

Disciplined and brave low block, this will take something special to break down. Clearance from Paolo Maldini under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Long ball from Cristiano Ronaldo to Leon Draisaitl, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

A draw — that grey zone. Leon Draisaitl signs autographs on his way off, a kid hands him a scuffed old ball. Tim Duncan adds his signature. Kids don't see draws the way grown-ups do. To them it's still magic. That puts things in perspective. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?'. The answer was of course 27 million, and that number doubles during any form of national crisis or EastEnders cliffhanger. Norman wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

LeBron James lobs the back line with a sublime cross, Paolo Maldini collects behind the defence. That is the match-winning ball. Paolo Maldini attempts the overhead kick on the delivery from Vozinha and it goes IN! We will be watching this goal for WEEKS, that is a moment of pure GENIUS!

Final knee slide with controlled drift. LeBron James ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Jonathan David leaps over him. Tim Duncan walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Tim Duncan sends an absolute rocket towards Jonathan David, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. What positioning from Jonathan David! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts.

Corner from Vozinha, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears. Monumental ball from Leon Draisaitl to Jonathan David, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. One touch football: Jonathan David to Victor Wembanyama, faster than the opposition can think. Victor Wembanyama hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust.

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

The tv host hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. The referee pulls play back for a foul by Leon Draisaitl. Held the opponent back by the arm. The ice hockey player dummies the shot and plays it short. In that position, that ability to read the defence and pick the right option is what separates the great players. OHHH Cristiano Ronaldo strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling!

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at LeBron James. "That is your job. 42 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. A completely made-up study from the University of Wolverhampton claims Bonnie Blue's left foot generates more power than a Ford Transit. At 163 and 27 years old, the data is apparently 'peer-reviewed by Dave from accounts.' And now, our TV game show Celebrity Gogglebox of Horrors! To win a television remote with missing batteries, text 5456 and answer: 'How many remotes does the average British living room have and does anyone know which one controls the volume?' The second period begins and Kevin De Bruyne launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

Leon Draisaitl finds the gap and serves Bonnie Blue in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Bonnie Blue strays offside on Victor Wembanyama's ball. A metre ahead of the last defender at least. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Good ball from Kevin De Bruyne to Bonnie Blue, playing it quick between the lines.

Decisive glance from Cafu who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Line-breaking pass from Cafu! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Bonnie Blue picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Bonnie Blue picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Good cross from the tv host for Leon Draisaitl in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. The basketball player climbs and gathers the cross with both hands. In that position, that authority is what makes the difference in the big matches.

Interception from Paolo Maldini who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Paolo Maldini. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Powerful run from Leon Draisaitl down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there.

Magnificent low block, holding out like a besieged fortress. OHHH Tim Duncan pushes it for a corner with a perfect fingertip save! The attacker cannot believe it, that was in! Tim Duncan boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Victor Wembanyama! Long ball that catches everyone off guard.

Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Powerful run from Vozinha, he shrugs off challenges and carries the ball up the pitch. Terrible lunge from Vozinha! Both feet off the ground, straight into the attacker's legs. Booking for Vozinha, studs up at chest height. That's borderline red, he's lucky. Free kick played short by Vozinha and Cristiano Ronaldo, the opposition did not see that one coming.

Stunning tackle by Paolo Maldini in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Paolo Maldini unleashes a raking ball out to Vozinha, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Cross from Vozinha, he puts it on the far post for Paolo Maldini. What a scramble after Paolo Maldini's corner! The ball just won't go away, the defense is panicking! Kevin De Bruyne goes for it and BAAANG! On target! But the keeper sticks out a firm hand and pushes it for a corner.

1-1. LeBron James and Paolo Maldini are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says LeBron James. "Next time," replies Paolo Maldini. And they vanish into the tunnel. Keith from Grimsby says six remotes and no, nobody knows which one does the volume, they just press them all. Remote with no batteries for Keith! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

Textbook tackle from Cafu there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Cafu beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Cafu lobs the keeper with DISCONCERTING ease! A little dink with the right foot, the ball sails over the keeper and lands in the net. GOAL of WORLD CLASS quality!

Cafu runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Tim Duncan tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Kevin De Bruyne goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive.

The corner from the basketball player is cleared with ease. In that position, when the defence keeps heading it away, it is time to change the game plan on corners. Leon Draisaitl switches the play to Jonathan David on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

Textbook lay-off from Paolo Maldini to Vozinha who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway. Vozinha smashes it home from Paolo Maldini's pass but the linesman says NO! Offside, goal disallowed! Beautiful distribution from Tim Duncan to Vozinha, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Tim Duncan right in the middle of the area, waving his hand for the ball. Header from Leon Draisaitl, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Short restart from Tim Duncan to Cristiano Ronaldo, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tim Duncan rips off {his} boots and flings them into the locker with a clatter. LeBron James glances over but says nothing. It is goalless and the frustration is eating everyone alive. The gaffer paces the room like a caged animal. "I need more from you lot. Much more. That was like watching paint dry out there." Incredible scenes last summer when Cafu was spotted queuing for forty-five minutes at a Nando's in Croydon. Refused the VIP treatment, said he wanted the authentic experience. Ordered a medium butterfly chicken at 56 years old — no surprises there. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1812 and answer this question: 'How many Milton Keynes roundabouts can fit inside a regret?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. LeBron James is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Oh no, Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

The tv host plays the one-two with Paolo Maldini and finds himself through. When you have got that understanding on the pitch, you cause havoc. Bonnie Blue pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Deserved booking for Bonnie Blue, he'd been getting away with murder all half.

Tim Duncan sparks the transition with a quick throw to Kevin De Bruyne, the break is lightning fast. Kevin De Bruyne opens up to Leon Draisaitl on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Ground pass from Leon Draisaitl into the free zone for Vozinha, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post. Cut-back along the deck from Vozinha, Paolo Maldini pops up between the centre-halves. The pull-back is spot on. Inch-perfect tackle by Paolo Maldini, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending.

Quick throw from Tim Duncan to Victor Wembanyama out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Victor Wembanyama links up with Jonathan David, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Underhit ball from Jonathan David, the pass is too soft and an opponent nicks it.

Cafu clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing.

Ping-pong between the two boxes, every ball is a chance. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Jonathan David releases Leon Draisaitl with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late.

A draw. Paolo Maldini claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Tim Duncan tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Shirley Bungalow-Throttle, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many Milton Keynes roundabouts can fit inside a regret?'. The answer was of course all 130 of them, with room left over for a small retail park. Shirley wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-3 (L)

The pace is ridiculous, players don't know where to turn next. Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. OOH the OUTRAGEOUS strike from LeBron James! The keeper got demolished by a world class rocket!

This is money time, knees knocking but hearts pumping. Victor Wembanyama gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Cristiano Ronaldo. What a LEAP from Cristiano Ronaldo! He climbs higher than anyone on the delivery from Kevin De Bruyne and scores with his head. GOAL!

GOAAAL for Rio Malandro FC! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Tim Duncan weaves through Rio Malandro FC's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. LeBron James screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Free kick from Kevin De Bruyne looped in, the ball is dropped onto Vozinha at the penalty spot. Vozinha thumps his header on the delivery from Victor Wembanyama but it sails over. Leon Draisaitl hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Aerial duel won by Victor Wembanyama in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

It's in the back of the net! Rio Malandro FC celebrate and our fans are gutted.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Vozinha, you have barely touched the ball. Tim Duncan, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Leaked texts reveal Cristiano Ronaldo tried to blag a dodgy MOT for a mate's Fiat Punto, only to discover the mechanic was a massive fan. The 41-year-old got a free air freshener and a lecture about brake pads. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Leave the Roundabout! To win a sat nav that actually understands the Swindon magic roundabout, text 5789 and answer: 'How many times must you go around a roundabout before you are legally allowed to give up and go home?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Kevin De Bruyne picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Vozinha launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Leon Draisaitl, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Pinpoint delivery from the ice hockey player towards Jonathan David, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Jonathan David crosses from the right but the defender blocks it with his shins. It is not getting through. Bonnie Blue clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody.

Tidy restart from Tim Duncan along the deck to LeBron James, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Error from the basketball player, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Killer ball from Cristiano Ronaldo through the gap! Jonathan David bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Jonathan David winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky!

Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. Kevin De Bruyne takes the ball at his feet and drives fifty yards on his own. It is one man against the world. A sickening crunch as Kevin De Bruyne catches the attacker full on the shin. The crowd gasps. Kevin De Bruyne is booked for that dangerous overhead kick. Brave but reckless, boot at face height. The free kick from Kevin De Bruyne is played with a deft touch to Jonathan David, well-drilled combination.

Victor Wembanyama rolls the free kick along the ground to Kevin De Bruyne, it is the short routine. Kevin De Bruyne sends in a curling delivery, LeBron James peels off the back of his marker and finds space. LeBron James tries a floated cross but the defender rises and heads it clear. The corner from Victor Wembanyama is well dealt with by the defence, cleared without any fuss. Kevin De Bruyne looks up and launches a long pass towards Vozinha. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

Bonnie Blue shifts it to LeBron James with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. LeBron James opens up the space for Jonathan David with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. Jonathan David charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. The attacker goes past Jonathan David who reaches out and grabs the jersey, foul!

It's a goal! Rio Malandro FC go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Oh what a challenge! Cafu goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt.

Jonathan David flies back like a rocket and cuts out the passing lane. Attack over, danger dealt with. Professional foul from Jonathan David, he takes one for the team. Yellow card incoming. Jonathan David picks up a yellow for a blatant tactical foul. He'll take that trade all day long. That's a sending off for Jonathan David. Two yellows make a red. He knew the score. The free kick from Jonathan David clears the defence and finds Cafu in the danger area.

Jonathan David sits in the dugout after everyone's gone inside, watching the empty pitch. LeBron James reappears with two cups of tea. They sit in silence, sipping, staring at the grass. "Same again Tuesday?" asks LeBron James. Jonathan David almost smiles. Almost. Football goes on. Norman from Swindon says three full rotations is the legal maximum and after that you must simply accept your fate. Sat nav for Norman! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-2 (L)

Ferocious press from Cristiano Ronaldo! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. OHHH the GOAL from Cristiano Ronaldo! On the gift from Vozinha, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Cristiano Ronaldo legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Tim Duncan tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Extraordinary run from Vozinha, he beats three men and arrives at the edge of the box. PENALTY! Vozinha is fouled in the box, the defender touched the player BEFORE the ball. The referee blows, it is clear as DAY. DECISIVE moment! Vozinha steps up to the spot, breathes, STRIKES! It is in, the keeper dived the wrong way. GOAL!

Three-man routine: Vozinha, Leon Draisaitl and Tim Duncan do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

LeBron James swings it in and it's BEDLAM in the box! The defense is clinging on for dear life! The basketball player boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Nightmare! Istanbul Cehennem FK score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Perfect back flip from Tim Duncan right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Vozinha tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Tim Duncan has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Leon Draisaitl spreads it to Kevin De Bruyne, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Kevin De Bruyne sets it for Bonnie Blue, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. The tv host cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Jonathan David. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. Jonathan David powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated.

LeBron James stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Istanbul Cehennem FK. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Vozinha cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Bit of a scoop for you — Bonnie Blue plays Sunday league football under a fake name during the off-season. Goes by 'Dave from Accounts' and plays centre-mid for the Dog and Duck. At 27, the man just loves the game. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' They are back. Jonathan David salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Vozinha pings a long diagonal to LeBron James, completely shifts the point of attack.

Vozinha slides a beauty through the gap, Leon Draisaitl is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. The ice hockey player hits the net from Paolo Maldini's ball but the linesman flags. In that position, staying onside is part of the job description. VAR signal from the referee, he stops dead in the centre circle. What's he going to give? The big screen says goal! VAR has verified Cristiano Ronaldo's effort is legitimate!

Tim Duncan lumps it long towards Bonnie Blue, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. The tv host gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Cristiano Ronaldo shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Vozinha. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Strike from Vozinha that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal.

Tim Duncan plays it short to Cristiano Ronaldo, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Quick exchange between Cristiano Ronaldo and Leon Draisaitl, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Leon Draisaitl sends LeBron James into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Tim Duncan fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Vozinha plays the medic running in. Tim Duncan plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Leon Draisaitl hooks the attacker by the elbow, cheap foul in midfield. Booking for the ice hockey player, tactical foul to prevent the counter. It's bred into that position. Leon Draisaitl puts in a surgical free kick to the back post, Cafu is there to finish. Cafu climbs above everyone and powers a header... wide. What a waste. Short restart from the basketball player to Paolo Maldini, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

Jonathan David throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Jonathan David boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

Honours even. Jonathan David swaps shirts with one of the Istanbul Cehennem FK lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Cafu, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Bonnie Blue puts Vozinha into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. GOOOAL for Vozinha! Not the prettiest goal in the world but it is in! Striker's instinct, GOAL!

Cafu blocks the run of the opponent, uses the body well but the ref says no. Yellow card. Cafu confronted the referee and that's an automatic booking. Short free kick, Cafu to Vozinha, tactical combination to unlock the defence. Vozinha unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though.

The tv host launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Tim Duncan finds Kevin De Bruyne with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Magnificent leap from Kevin De Bruyne who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. Incredible burst of pace from Kevin De Bruyne, he eats up the ground in just a few strides.

Paolo Maldini heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Cafu springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference. Cafu hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Cafu gives it to Vozinha into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

The basketball player goes long for Cafu, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Cafu wins it in the air with terrifying ease. The opponent just got a masterclass in aerial dominance. Lightning overlap from Cafu, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Cafu lays off Vozinha inside the box, the defender is completely out of position. SAAAAAVED by Tim Duncan! The strike was fizzing but the keeper dived and tipped it with his fingertips!

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Vozinha has covered seven kilometres already." Tim Duncan shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Vozinha fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." We're told that Paolo Maldini once auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing during the off-season. Didn't make it past the first round, but Craig Revel Horwood apparently said his footwork was 'not entirely dreadful,' which is high praise from that man. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 1234 and answer this question: 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Jonathan David is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Huge interception from Jonathan David! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Vozinha accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides.

Kevin De Bruyne floats a ball towards Cafu but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat. Foot save from the basketball player! When your keeper can close the angle like that, your team breathes easier. Vozinha boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Bonnie Blue. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. SHOOOOOOT from Leon Draisaitl! It's whistling towards goal but the keeper beats it away. Strong hands!

They're all over them like a rash, no time on the ball whatsoever. The ice hockey player butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. Kevin De Bruyne intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end.

Vozinha delivers an inswinging free kick, Kevin De Bruyne at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Kevin De Bruyne wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination. Kevin De Bruyne rolls it to Jonathan David, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Jonathan David does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet.

Job done. Victor Wembanyama and Tim Duncan stroll off arm in arm, grinning like Cheshire cats. The lads in the tunnel are already blasting music — sounds like someone's brought a speaker size of a fridge. Milano Piano-Piano's lot are filing out quietly. Not their night. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many pints fit inside a standard British apology?'. The answer was of course three and a half, or four if you really mean it. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

Victor Wembanyama dinks a cross over the centre-halves for LeBron James, that is an aerial masterpiece. GOAL! PHENOMENAL overhead kick from LeBron James! He jumps, rotates in the air on the cross from Vozinha and strikes the ball in full flight. The keeper did not see a THING! EXCEPTIONAL!

Victor Wembanyama and Cristiano Ronaldo do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Tim Duncan arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Bonnie Blue slides it to Vozinha, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Body feint from Vozinha, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker. Vozinha rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side. Corner from Vozinha but it is cleared at the near post by a defender. Massive clearance from Cristiano Ronaldo, just get the ball as far away as possible.

Vertical press, the opposition has to go long and aimless. Lightning press from Kevin De Bruyne, he pounces on the carrier and wins the ball in a heartbeat. That man's intensity is his secret weapon. BANG! Kevin De Bruyne hits it! On target, it's flying but the keeper is there and gathers at the second attempt.

Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. The basketball player sends a cross into no man's land. It is part of the game, but when you are in that role, every cross matters. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Firm pass from LeBron James into Vozinha, right into the boots. No waste. Smooth transition from Vozinha to Cafu, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Paolo Maldini shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class. Paolo Maldini decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. Leon Draisaitl grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Vozinha is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. Staff at IKEA Wembley confirm Paolo Maldini spent five hours in the showroom and left with nothing but a bag of tea lights and a hot dog. The 58-year-old reportedly got lost in the warehouse section twice. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4040 and answer this question: 'What is the national dish of a car park?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Jonathan David high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. They're cranking it up a gear, the pressure is well and truly on. Good delivery from Victor Wembanyama off the left flank, Kevin De Bruyne positions himself between the two centre-halves.

It's in! Sevilla Olé-Olé take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Tim Duncan spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Cristiano Ronaldo gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over. The ice hockey player shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Paolo Maldini. Pure quality, as per usual. Paolo Maldini burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing.

GOAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Ghost tackle from Cafu, dives at a shadow while the actual ball carrier wanders past on the other side. Tim Duncan does not know what to do, he parries any old way into the middle! The keeper is in serious trouble. The ice hockey player boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Painful afternoon. Jonathan David and LeBron James walk side by side toward the tunnel, neither saying a word. Their studs echo on the concrete. Somewhere behind them, Sevilla Olé-Olé's lot are singing. It carries down the corridor. Sounds get louder when you've lost. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the national dish of a car park?'. The answer was of course a ticket with a side of despair and a drizzle of concrete dust. Reginald wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-2 (L)

Cafu gifts Victor Wembanyama a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Victor Wembanyama pops up like a thief in the box! With the tip of the boot he diverts the ball into the net, GOOOAL!

Cafu runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Cristiano Ronaldo joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Sublime through ball from Leon Draisaitl for Cafu who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. Cafu breaks through but the flag is already up. Vozinha's ball came just too late. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Cafu to Paolo Maldini, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

Paolo Maldini reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Paolo Maldini sees what nobody else sees and puts Leon Draisaitl through on goal with a genius through ball. The ice hockey player accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Overlap and cross from Leon Draisaitl, the ball drops at the feet of Vozinha in the heart of the box. Aerial claim from Tim Duncan! He grabs the ball in both hands and clutches it to his chest. The keeper is on guard.

And there it is, München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Victor Wembanyama plays a low free kick into the box, Cafu cuts across to meet it in front of goal. Cafu attempts a cross for Bonnie Blue but the defender intervenes and deflects it behind. The basketball player boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. The ice hockey player is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign.

LeBron James punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." A teammate has confirmed that Victor Wembanyama watches Bargain Hunt religiously and shouts at the telly when contestants overpay. He once phoned in to complain about a Staffordshire pottery valuation. The man is 22 and fully invested in daytime antiques. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3030 and answer this question: 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?' Here come the lads. Leon Draisaitl jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Oh that's terrible! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Massive diagonal from Cristiano Ronaldo! LeBron James receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Aerial duel won by the basketball player, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. LeBron James plays it simple to Leon Draisaitl, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Monster clearance from Tim Duncan, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Paolo Maldini. Paolo Maldini looks for Cafu with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. Wicked through ball from Jonathan David, the ball skims the grass and finds Cristiano Ronaldo who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Shot from Cristiano Ronaldo, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres.

Tim Duncan takes his time and plays it short to Cafu. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Rapid combination: Cafu to Vozinha, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Change of flanks from Vozinha, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Kevin De Bruyne.

Monster clearance from Bonnie Blue! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Leon Draisaitl feeds Cafu in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Jonathan David boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Wasted cross from Victor Wembanyama, the keeper collects easily in his six-yard box. No danger whatsoever.

Cafu sends Victor Wembanyama into space with a pass weighted to the centimetre. The fullback is nowhere. Victor Wembanyama takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. The cross from Victor Wembanyama is overhit, the keeper collects comfortably in his area. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways.

Tough one against München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Tim Duncan and Vozinha are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many calories are in a strongly worded letter?'. The answer was of course 2,400 if written in capitals, or 1,200 if you use passive aggression. Doreen wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

Lovely interception from Paolo Maldini, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. OHHHH the THUNDERBOLT from Leon Draisaitl! On the assist from Kevin De Bruyne, he rocks the net with a DEVASTATING strike!

Paolo Maldini and Cristiano Ronaldo do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Tim Duncan arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Tim Duncan distributes by hand to Cafu on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Cafu shifts it to LeBron James with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

It was bound to happen. London Three-Pints score and honestly, we deserved that.

Free kick from Victor Wembanyama to the near post, Kevin De Bruyne gets a flick on it. Aerial duel won by Kevin De Bruyne, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter.

Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. The basketball player has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Kevin De Bruyne fires the ball over to Bonnie Blue with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. The tv host misplaces his pass to Leon Draisaitl, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Tim Duncan stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." A lovely bit of trivia here — Cafu once got stuck on the M25 for four and a half hours and claims it was the most formative experience of his career. Taught him patience, composure, and an appreciation for Radio 2. He was only 56 at the time. And now, our TV game show The One Show Nobody Asked For! To win a cushion from a John Lewis display, text 5345 and answer: 'How many throw cushions is too many throw cushions on a sofa?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. Victor Wembanyama picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. LeBron James curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close! Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

Paolo Maldini launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. The overlap from Cristiano Ronaldo, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Cristiano Ronaldo drives down the flank and puts in an inswinging cross, the ball curves away from the defence and reaches Cafu.

Elastico from Leon Draisaitl, the ball goes right then snaps back left in an instant. The defender is lost. Leon Draisaitl lets fly with his left foot, WHAT A STRIIIIKE! On target but the keeper claws it away for a corner!

Cross blocked from the basketball player by the defence. The defender anticipated it, that is the eternal battle between the flank and the back line. Completely wasted corner from the basketball player, goes straight out for a goal kick. In that role, wasting set pieces like that is embarrassing.

Short pass from the ice hockey player to Kevin De Bruyne, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Kevin De Bruyne plays the simple ball to Cristiano Ronaldo, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Cristiano Ronaldo frees up the entire channel for Vozinha with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Nutmeg from Vozinha on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful. Short build-up from Vozinha to Kevin De Bruyne, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Lifesaving clearance from Cafu! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Crossfield pass from LeBron James to Vozinha, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet.

Draw against London Three-Pints. Cafu kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Jonathan David does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Brian from Coventry says anything above four cushions is an act of aggression against anyone trying to sit down. John Lewis cushion for Brian! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.