My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | My Team | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's LeBron James. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 206 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Mike Tyson. A boxer. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a boxer, with hand wraps, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Mike Tyson has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses heavy bags with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. This team's budget is the GDP of a small country. Seriously, there are nations at the UN moving less cash than this roster. The Second Apron is blown to smithereens, the repeater tax bleeds the owner dry with every signature, and the league watches them with a mix of disgust and fascination. But the owner doesn't care. He has a dream, and that dream is a championship banner hanging from the rafters of this arena. Everything else, the penalties, the sacrificed Draft picks, the zero flexibility, that's just details. Damn details.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
78-123 (L)
Mike Tyson announces themselves! The boxer has arrived and the building knows it!
LeBron James, this mountain of a man, wastes a golden chance with a wild buzzer beater!
Turnover by Mike Tyson! Pummelling the heavy bags requires less coordination, clearly!
LeBron James gets burned on the drive! Sometimes predictable game in lateral movement!
LeBron James mouths off and picks up a T! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
Cut! Halftime. Michael Jordan's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. True story: Michael Jordan had his parking spot stolen by Detroit Engine-Roar's mascot. Still talks about it. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Mike Tyson sends it wide! The hand wraps wouldn't forgive that either!
Robert Wadlow cramps up! Muscles tight from their bare hands and the orange double duty!
This guy everybody knows Robert Wadlow dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
LeBron James, this franchise cornerstone, barks at the teammate! Heavy feet taking over!
Kobe Bryant, this titan, trudges off the gym. Lessons to take from this one.
LeBron James rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Michael Jordan picks up his own and folds it carefully. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
117-93 (W)
Mike Tyson, this little thunder, sets the tone immediately! An off-the-charts basketball IQ from the jump!
Kobe Bryant drains a free throw driving to the hoop! Textbook iron discipline!
Mike Tyson picks off the lob! Intercepting mid-air, pure boxer reflexes!
This all-time great LeBron James with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!
Mike Tyson, this undersized dog, exploits the mismatch facing the rim! Smart play!
Well-deserved break. Michael Jordan looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Anecdote: Michael Jordan once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Mike Tyson scores off the glass! Bank shot precision of a boxer!
Listen to that roar! Kobe Bryant pulls up and the place explodes!
Robert Wadlow barks out defensive calls! The voice of their bare hands echoes across the arena!
Michael Jordan goes to work with conviction! This basketball god believes tonight is the night!
Mike Tyson, this generational talent, high-fives the bench! A slide across the hardwood! Team effort!
LeBron James gives his headband to a kid in the crowd. Mike Tyson gives his shoes. Michael Jordan gives his water bottle. The kid is overwhelmed. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
118-89 (W)
Game time! Michael Jordan and this guy with rings on every finger ready to put on a show at the arena!
Robert Wadlow drops a bucket from the paint! Range that would impress any circus performer!
This living legend LeBron James reads the play and intercepts! Brilliant anticipation!
Kobe Bryant, this certified GOAT candidate, drives and kicks! Perfect assist for a fadeaway jumper!
Mike Tyson with the perfect cut! Precision of a boxer with the hand wraps!
Break. Mike Tyson collapses next to the vending machine. True story: Mike Tyson walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Orlando Magic-Beans. Awkward. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Mike Tyson with another free throw! You can't stop this man!
The arena buzzes for Mike Tyson! A boxer who electrifies wherever they go!
Mike Tyson brings energy off the bench! This all-time great infectious enthusiasm!
Kobe Bryant, this absolute legend, delivers a moment of pure grace! Wisdom and poise!
This franchise cornerstone Kobe Bryant walks off to a standing ovation! A sold-out gym on fire! Incredible!
Robert Wadlow pretends to plant a flag at center court. LeBron James stands at attention. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
104-107 (L)
LeBron James, this mountain of a man, announced to huge cheers! A boiling cauldron!
Michael Jordan attacks at the top of the key and finishes with a half-court heave! Too good!
LeBron James, this tree of a man, gets exploited in the switch! Heavy feet exposed in the mismatch!
Michael Jordan drives the rock into the front rim! That's frustrating for this all-time great!
LeBron James sparks the comeback! An alley-oop driving to the hoop! This basketball god leads the charge!
Both teams head to the locker room. Kobe Bryant wipes his forehead with his jersey. Did you know Kobe Bryant started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
This first-ballot legend Michael Jordan picks up the foul in after a timeout! Terrible timing!
Robert Wadlow gets a technical for complaining! Limited stamina on full display!
The arc of this game bends toward Robert Wadlow! This world-class player controlling destiny!
Michael Jordan, this potential GOAT, air-balls in the first quarter! The crowd is stunned!
Kobe Bryant, this 7-footer, hangs the head. Tough loss despite freakish explosiveness effort.
Kobe Bryant walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Michael Jordan drags one foot after the other. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
119-92 (W)
Kobe Bryant fires up the crowd to open the game! This guy with rings on every finger starting strong!
Mike Tyson racks up an off-balance shot! Productive night for this boxer!
This world-class player Robert Wadlow forces the bad pass! A killer instinct creating turnovers!
Kobe Bryant quarter-backs the possession! Assist for an alley-oop! What a pass!
Mike Tyson pulls up to the right spot! A gym-rat work ethic off-ball movement!
Intermission. Kobe Bryant dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Word is Kobe Bryant sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Robert Wadlow scores at will! A free throw in transition! This headliner domination!
Immense pressure as Mike Tyson warms up with some boxer moves!
Mike Tyson communicates on the switch! Clear as a boxer's directions!
Robert Wadlow, the circus performer from the day shift, is writing their story on the court tonight!
What a game for Mike Tyson! Tomorrow's the heavy bags will feel easy after this!
Robert Wadlow and Kobe Bryant pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. Did you know that Kobe Bryant practices boxer on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
99-106 (L)
This first-ballot legend Michael Jordan opens the scoring! A two-handed slam! Early advantage!
Mike Tyson forces an alley-oop facing the rim! This household name trying too hard!
LeBron James coughs up the Wilson! Limited stamina strikes again from the left corner!
This potential GOAT Mike Tyson can't recover! Scored on driving to the hoop! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Kobe Bryant, this absolute legend, sinks a euro-step with surgical precision driving to the hoop!
Halftime. Michael Jordan is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Michael Jordan failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Robert Wadlow, this certified bucket, with the frustrated foul! Hot head in tough moments!
Mike Tyson gets blocked! Rejected harder than a boxer's worst day on the job!
Michael Jordan reads the defense perfectly! Nerves of steel and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Robert Wadlow tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a circus performer's energy for the game!
LeBron James, this hall-of-fame lock, takes the loss hard. Tendency to rush at the wrong moments.
Michael Jordan's face is locked shut, zero emotion. LeBron James hides his eyes under a towel. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
96-108 (L)
Tip-off! Kobe Bryant gets us started! Let's go!
LeBron James, this 7-footer, can't finish from way beyond the arc! That one stings!
LeBron James, this 7-footer, steps out of bounds with the ball! Mental lapse!
This living legend Michael Jordan commits the and-one foul! Sometimes predictable game in positioning!
Kobe Bryant with an incredible buzzer beater at half court! Standing ovation!
Halftime! Michael Jordan checks his stats on the board and winces. Locker room anecdote: Michael Jordan talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Robert Wadlow drives and kicks the stanchion! This guy everybody knows losing composure!
Kobe Bryant, this big fella, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Injury-prone body!
Michael Jordan attacks with purpose every possession! This living legend chess master!
Kobe Bryant short-arms the shot from fatigue! This household name has nothing left!
Robert Wadlow looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a circus performer!
LeBron James's eyes are glassy. Robert Wadlow mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
83-113 (L)
Mike Tyson bounces the basketball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Mike Tyson misfires from under the basket! This absolute legend searching for answers!
Michael Jordan, this mountain of a man, gets stripped from mid-range! Tendency to force bad shots exposed!
Robert Wadlow gets screened out of the play! This elite player lost in traffic!
Mike Tyson argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to pummelling the heavy bags!
Halftime whistle. Robert Wadlow high-fives his teammates on the way out. Rumor has it Robert Wadlow has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Robert Wadlow clanks another one off the rim! This multi-time All-Star needs to find rhythm!
This basketball god Michael Jordan has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Kobe Bryant spins carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Michael Jordan, this first-ballot legend, refuses to high-five! Injury-prone body hurting the chemistry!
This guy everybody knows Robert Wadlow stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this guy everybody knows wanted.
Robert Wadlow snaps at the bench on his way out. LeBron James says nothing, but his look says everything. I got a text from Robert Wadlow after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
97-112 (L)
LeBron James takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
A deep three from Michael Jordan hits the iron! Sometimes predictable game under the spotlight!
Robert Wadlow throws it away! A pass worse than a circus performer tossing the game!
Michael Jordan gives up the back door! Limited stamina when overplaying!
Michael Jordan strings together an and-one from downtown. An off-the-charts basketball IQ on full display!
That's a wrap for now. Mike Tyson dives into the tunnel. True story: Mike Tyson had his parking spot stolen by Houston Blast-Off's mascot. Still talks about it. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Michael Jordan, this titan, sits down hard on the bench! Injury-prone body written all over his face!
LeBron James lets fly the pill into nothing! Limited stamina on full display tonight!
Mike Tyson overloads one side! Loading up with boxer strategy!
Robert Wadlow, this mountain of a man, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
LeBron James had the chances but couldn't convert. This global icon left wanting.
Mike Tyson is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. LeBron James waits at the tunnel entrance. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
90-120 (L)
Robert Wadlow looks dialed in from the start! Unreal swagger preparation showing!
Robert Wadlow fires a free throw at the buzzer but can't connect! Tendency to rush showing!
Kobe Bryant with the lazy pass! Shaky emotions under pressure leading to easy points!
Mike Tyson gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the heavy bags on a rough day!
Mike Tyson converts a tough pull-up jumper back to the basket! Skill level: elite!
End of the first half. Robert Wadlow is beet red but still standing. Fun fact: Robert Wadlow blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
This household name Michael Jordan stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Robert Wadlow spins but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
LeBron James, this franchise cornerstone, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Eyes in the back of the head!
Mike Tyson can barely run! The allotted time harder than the allotted time of pummelling the heavy bags!
Mike Tyson hangs their head! A boxer who gave everything they had!
Robert Wadlow whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Mike Tyson nods without conviction. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
86-119 (L)
This all-time great LeBron James comes out aggressive! Opens with an and-one from the right corner!
Robert Wadlow launches from deep and misses! A circus performer's range doesn't apply here!
Robert Wadlow coughs it up! A circus performer's grip doesn't work on the Spalding!
This all-time great Michael Jordan bites on the fake! Beaten on the low block!
Kobe Bryant, this 7-footer, waves off the play call! Ego the size of Texas hurting the team!
Halftime. Michael Jordan throws his towel on the floor walking in. Locker room intel: Michael Jordan has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Robert Wadlow pulls up the leather awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this established star!
This all-time great Michael Jordan is a warrior but the body says no! This ball game of war!
LeBron James with the errant pass! This all-time great needs to settle down!
Michael Jordan, this colossus, throws the hands up! Exasperated from the left corner!
Mike Tyson gave it everything! Everything a boxer has, left on the court!
Kobe Bryant closes his eyes walking out. LeBron James keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. I learned tonight that Kobe Bryant used to be a boxer. That explains the unique running style. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
98-124 (L)
Mike Tyson wins the opening tip! Tipping off with boxer energy!
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan rattles it out! So close yet so far at the top of the key!
This global icon LeBron James loses concentration and the ball with it!
Robert Wadlow gets blown by! Even a circus performer couldn't stop that!
Robert Wadlow treats the pill like the game and sinks it. Easy as pie for a circus performer!
Halftime. Mike Tyson wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Did you know? Mike Tyson once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
LeBron James, this tree of a man, shows negative body language! Heavy feet creeping in!
Robert Wadlow shoots an air ball in a Playoff atmosphere! A circus performer lost in the noise!
Kobe Bryant, this absolute unit, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
LeBron James, this basketball god, is dragging! The four quarters minutes taking their toll!
LeBron James dishes to the tunnel in disappointment. This certified GOAT candidate will learn from this.
Kobe Bryant walks toward the tunnel without a word. LeBron James stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
78-115 (L)
This household name Kobe Bryant means business! Fast start facing the rim!
Mike Tyson misses the layup! Even the heavy bags would have gone in easier!
LeBron James, this long boy, gets called for the carry! Heavy feet in ball-handling!
Mike Tyson bites on the fake! Fooled like a boxer by counterfeit the heavy bags!
Robert Wadlow sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a circus performer after a long shift!
Halftime! Mike Tyson checks his stats on the board and winces. True story: Mike Tyson walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Boston Ring-Chasers. Awkward. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
This basketball god Michael Jordan with a rare miss at half court! Even the best stumble!
This undisputed superstar Michael Jordan can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Mike Tyson, this miniature missile, commits the travel! Lack of consistency in the footwork!
Kobe Bryant mutters to himself walking back! This guy with rings on every finger fighting inner demons!
Despite the loss, Mike Tyson held their own with the heavy bags! The boxer fought!
Kobe Bryant mutters while walking out. Robert Wadlow watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
91-105 (L)
Kobe Bryant, this tower, takes the court! The hostile crowd is electric!
Kobe Bryant shoots but overcooks it! Tendency to rush showing up again!
Kobe Bryant throws it away! Heavy feet under pressure from downtown!
Michael Jordan, this tower, gets blown by on the perimeter! Tendency to force bad shots in the legs!
Michael Jordan blows past past the defense for a bank shot! Size advantage from this this towering presence!
Halftime whistle! Michael Jordan grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Intel: Michael Jordan once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Robert Wadlow kicks the air! The frustration of a circus performer who knows they can do better!
Robert Wadlow, this reliable star, fumbles the finish on the low block! Back to the drawing board!
LeBron James spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
LeBron James is gassed! This potential GOAT bent over at half court! Hot head catching up!
Michael Jordan takes off past the media. This guy with rings on every finger not in the mood to talk.
LeBron James slams his fist on the bench. Michael Jordan places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
96-115 (L)
Robert Wadlow, this world-class player, draws first blood! A hook shot to start!
Kobe Bryant forces up a scoop layup over the defense! Sometimes predictable game! Bad decision!
Robert Wadlow with the backcourt violation! A circus performer going backwards with the game!
This basketball god Mike Tyson misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Michael Jordan lets fly the damn ball beautifully for a devastating dunk! What touch!
Into the tunnel. LeBron James grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Did you know LeBron James keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
This undisputed superstar LeBron James can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
LeBron James misses the open look! This living legend can't believe it! Heavy feet!
Michael Jordan sets the screen at the perfect angle! This guy with rings on every finger cerebral play!
Kobe Bryant steps back but the legs won't cooperate! Sometimes predictable game catching up!
Mike Tyson wipes a tear! A boxer who poured everything into the effort!
Kobe Bryant's complexion is grey. Michael Jordan's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
My Team finishes #12 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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