My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Denver Horse-Track | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | My Team | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's LeBron James. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 206 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Kevin Hart, his brother-in-law and a film producer by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their loaded checkbook and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Kevin Hart can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the risky picture to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget? It's "here, take my credit card and go nuts." The owner is a damn billionaire who wants a championship ring the way other people want a yacht. Every position is doubled up, every role player is a former All-Star, and the bench is so deep that the twelfth man on this team would start for half the league. It's an armada, a war machine, and everyone in this building knows that if these guys don't win the title, it's a goddamn scandal.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
101-100 (W)
Kevin Hart locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a film producer who means business!
This guy everybody knows Tim Duncan with the weak-side clutch steal! Incredible help!
LeBron James misfires from mid-range! Even this potential GOAT has off nights!
LeBron James spins the damn ball with night-in night-out consistency. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
LeBron James, this titan, exploits the mismatch off the pick and roll! Smart play!
Halftime! Kevin Hart looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Fun fact: Kevin Hart got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Tim Duncan, this long boy, comes up big! A devastating dunk in late in the quarter! Legend!
Stephen Curry blocks it and keeps it in play! Heads-up play, what awareness!
Kevin Hart posts up in front of the home faithful! Palpable tension! Beautiful!
Albert Einstein, this do-it-all player, blocks the go-ahead attempt! In the dying seconds a defensive rebound!
Albert Einstein is named player of the game! The inventor is also the star!
Tim Duncan performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Stephen Curry imitates it. It's worse. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
110-95 (W)
Kevin Hart, this small but mighty player, announced to huge cheers! An electric crowd!
Tim Duncan with the crafty hook shot! Silky smooth technique on display!
Kevin Hart, this low-to-the-ground speedster, blankets the shooter from downtown! No daylight!
Albert Einstein penetrates and dishes! Gorgeous feed from the right corner! Freakish explosiveness!
Albert Einstein communicates the switch! Clear as an inventor's instructions!
Time to breathe. Kevin Hart has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Fun fact: Kevin Hart failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
LeBron James, this undisputed superstar, reads the play perfectly and delivers a buzzer-beater!
This reliable star Stephen Curry has the arena rocking! A roaring arena off the charts!
This max-contract guy Stephen Curry celebrates the teammate's score! It's about the team!
Watch Albert Einstein move! The footwork of an inventor navigating the status quo!
Tim Duncan walks off the den victorious! This bonafide star owns this moment!
Albert Einstein hugs the mascot. Stephen Curry hugs the referee. Awkward. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Stephen Curry. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
109-112 (L)
Tim Duncan dishes onto the floor! The crowd roars for this elite player!
A bucket from Stephen Curry! Another dagger! This jersey-selling name closing the door!
Tim Duncan gets posted up and scored on! This established star overpowered!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James muscles up an alley-oop but can't get it to fall!
Kevin Hart with the steal that changes everything! Their loaded checkbook reflexes!
The locker room fills up. LeBron James has already eaten three oranges. Little scoop: LeBron James logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Albert Einstein, this combo guard, forces a bad shot in the fourth quarter! Ego the size of Texas!
This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
This All-Star caliber talent Tim Duncan has that look in the eyes! Watch out! Ridiculous creativity!
Tim Duncan rises up but can't score in the second quarter! Opportunity lost!
This big-name player Kevin Hart congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this big-name player.
Stephen Curry punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. LeBron James slides down the wall to the floor. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
103-93 (W)
Albert Einstein stretches center court! Loosening up, the inventor is getting ready!
Tim Duncan with the highlight-reel scoop layup! This franchise guy owning the moment!
This All-Star caliber talent Kevin Hart with a critical stop! A surgical steal when it counts!
Kevin Hart, this certified bucket, manipulates the defense and drops the dime! Next-level basketball IQ!
LeBron James dribbles into the right spacing! Ridiculous creativity and elite court awareness!
End of the first act. Stephen Curry is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Intel: Stephen Curry asked Philadelphia Injury-Report for their energy drink recipe. They refused. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
This elite player Tim Duncan punishes the defense with a step-back three at the buzzer!
Post-game fireworks for Kevin Hart! Brighter than their loaded checkbook on a perfect day!
Stephen Curry pulls up the pick-and-roll to perfection! Chemistry on display!
Tim Duncan, this multi-time All-Star, has the crowd in the palm of the hand! A sold-out gym on fire!
Kevin Hart exits to a standing ovation! The film producer with their loaded checkbook earns it!
LeBron James and Stephen Curry carry Tim Duncan like a trophy across the entire court. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
112-78 (W)
Albert Einstein checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
This reliable star Kevin Hart with a cold-blooded half-court heave! No conscience!
Albert Einstein dishes a beautiful pass! Special delivery from this inventor!
Albert Einstein scores a hook shot! Their prototype sketch by day, buckets by night!
Tim Duncan shuts the door in transition! That's how you play defense!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Kevin Hart walks head down toward the tunnel. Did you know? Kevin Hart tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Stephen Curry, this certified bucket, drops a layup on the low block! Pure artistry!
Tim Duncan, this jersey-selling name, wraps it up with a flourish! Total destruction!
Albert Einstein just chest-bumped with their prototype sketch force! Their teammate felt that!
Tim Duncan with the victory dance after the and-one! This All-Star caliber talent is fired up!
This top-tier talent Tim Duncan raises the arms! The win is in the books! A slide across the hardwood!
Tim Duncan and LeBron James swap jerseys with each other. Makes no sense but it's the emotion talking. I got a text from Tim Duncan after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
94-101 (L)
Tip-off! Tim Duncan gets us started! Let's go!
Stephen Curry misfires from downtown! This elite player searching for answers!
LeBron James throws it away! Tendency to force bad shots under pressure off the pick and roll!
Tim Duncan bites on the pump fake! This headliner sent flying under the basket!
An and-one from LeBron James along the baseline! That's a certified bucket-getter!
Break time. Stephen Curry bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Locker room anecdote: Stephen Curry talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
LeBron James, this tower, shows negative body language! Heavy feet creeping in!
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry whiffs on a half-court heave! The crowd groans!
Tim Duncan, this max-contract guy, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Pure God-given talent!
Kevin Hart, this small but mighty player, laboring up and down! Occasional mental lapses draining the energy!
Tim Duncan, this long boy, hangs the head. Tough loss despite ridiculous creativity effort.
Albert Einstein unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Kevin Hart runs a hand down his face. Behind the scenes, I learned Kevin Hart was also an inventor in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
95-114 (L)
Tim Duncan rises up into position! This elite player not wasting any time!
A bucket from LeBron James catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, gets the ball poked away! Tendency to force bad shots when protecting the Spalding!
Tim Duncan, this colossus, gets exploited in the switch! Ego the size of Texas exposed in the mismatch!
Kevin Hart scores at will! A devastating dunk on the low block! This multi-time All-Star domination!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Tim Duncan asks for an ice pack. Did you know? Tim Duncan once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
LeBron James gets a technical for complaining! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
Stephen Curry steps back the orange awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this All-Star caliber talent!
This franchise guy Tim Duncan with the savvy veteran play! An off-the-charts basketball IQ experience showing!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, with tired legs from way beyond the arc! Tendency to rush slowing this bonafide star down!
LeBron James had the chances but couldn't convert. This undisputed superstar left wanting.
Tim Duncan mutters 'damn' under his breath. Albert Einstein says 'yeah' in the same tone. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
113-90 (W)
This established star Kevin Hart means business! Fast start back to the basket!
Kevin Hart with a deep three! The finesse of their loaded checkbook right there on the court!
Albert Einstein with a textbook defensive stance! That's how you do it!
Stephen Curry with the lob pass at the buzzer! This established star to the teammate! Boom!
Stephen Curry launches the ball out of the trap! Natural-born leadership under pressure!
Halftime. Kevin Hart throws his towel on the floor walking in. I've been told Kevin Hart once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Albert Einstein lays it in softly! Touch softer than an inventor's hands on the job!
The entire arena rises for Kevin Hart! A film producer lifted by their loaded checkbook and love!
Albert Einstein communicates on the switch! Clear as an inventor's directions!
Albert Einstein is having a career night! Better than any day with their prototype sketch!
Kevin Hart finishes what they started! Finishing the orange like finishing the risky picture!
Tim Duncan and LeBron James run circles around Kevin Hart who doesn't move. Zen. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
93-115 (L)
This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
A pull-up jumper by Albert Einstein driving to the hoop is way off! Tough night for this first-ballot legend!
Albert Einstein double-dribbles! Revolutionizing the status quo doesn't have that rule!
Stephen Curry gets crossed over! This All-Star caliber talent left frozen from the left corner!
Stephen Curry with the tough hook shot through contact! This top-tier talent won't be denied!
Rest. Kevin Hart buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Did you know Kevin Hart knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Houston Blast-Off's colors. By accident, obviously. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Tim Duncan, this 7-footer, gets the look but can't convert at the top of the key!
Tim Duncan identifies the soft spot in the zone! This headliner surgical precision!
This established star Stephen Curry calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Hot head taking its toll!
This reliable star Kevin Hart shakes hands and moves on. In the end, defense that's basically a suggestion proved costly.
LeBron James looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Tim Duncan looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
100-102 (L)
This world-class player Tim Duncan comes out aggressive! Opens with a layup along the baseline!
Kevin Hart scores off the inbound! That's the preparation of a film producer right there!
Tim Duncan gets burned on the drive! Tendency to rush in lateral movement!
A deep three attempt by Tim Duncan falls short! Hot head in the legs!
Stephen Curry, this established star, wills the team back! Night-in night-out consistency driving the comeback!
End of the second quarter. Stephen Curry is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. They say Stephen Curry eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Kevin Hart can't hit the open look in crunch time! Their loaded checkbook vision failing!
Albert Einstein storms to the bench! This absolute legend is visibly upset!
They said an inventor couldn't play at this level. Albert Einstein and their prototype sketch disagree!
Kevin Hart fouls at the worst time! A film producer tripping over the risky picture!
Albert Einstein walks off in silence. This basketball god gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Stephen Curry avoids the cameras like the plague. Albert Einstein gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
92-99 (L)
The game begins and Tim Duncan is ready! You can see an unmatched feel for the game written all over his face!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, can't finish back to the basket! That one stings!
LeBron James charges right into the defender! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure when controlling pace!
This established star Kevin Hart commits the and-one foul! Sometimes predictable game in positioning!
Kevin Hart finishes through contact! Built tough from handling their loaded checkbook!
The players head in. Kevin Hart slips on the wet tunnel floor. True story: Kevin Hart walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against New York Over-Timers. Awkward. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Tim Duncan launches angrily after the turnover! This max-contract guy spiraling!
A bank shot from Stephen Curry sails wide! This headliner needs to regroup!
LeBron James reads the defense perfectly! Freakish explosiveness and a sky-high basketball IQ!
LeBron James is cramping up! This absolute legend trying to shake it off! Sometimes predictable game!
LeBron James, this big fella, trudges off the court. Lessons to take from this one.
Tim Duncan chews his nails on the bench. LeBron James stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
90-103 (L)
This global icon Albert Einstein comes out firing! A floater in the first minute!
Kevin Hart off the back iron! Hard miss, even a film producer cringes at that!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, gets called for the carry! Defense that's basically a suggestion in ball-handling!
This guy everybody knows Stephen Curry bites on the fake! Beaten at the top of the key!
Tim Duncan takes off and it's a buzzer-beater! This guy everybody knows proving the doubters wrong!
Break! LeBron James takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. True story: LeBron James walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Cleveland Twin-Towers. Awkward. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
This generational talent Albert Einstein hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from the right corner!
Kevin Hart gets blocked! Rejected harder than a film producer's worst day on the job!
This generational talent LeBron James recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Albert Einstein is gassed! More tired than after a full day of revolutionizing the status quo!
Kevin Hart tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we greenlights better, like the risky picture!'
Stephen Curry pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Albert Einstein takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
104-120 (L)
Game time! LeBron James and this undisputed superstar ready to put on a show at the temple of basketball!
Kevin Hart misses the open look! This multi-time All-Star can't believe it! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Tim Duncan, this tower, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at half court!
Tim Duncan, this tree of a man, gets dunked on off the pick and roll! Poster material!
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, showcases night-in night-out consistency with a gorgeous thunderous slam!
Back to the locker room. Stephen Curry punches his locker. Juicy intel: Stephen Curry turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Tim Duncan drops the head after another miss! Injury-prone body sapping the confidence!
Stephen Curry rushes a tear drop from mid-range! Injury-prone body creeping in!
Albert Einstein creates the switch! Smooth adjustment, inventor-level thinking!
Albert Einstein drags their feet! Heavy as their prototype sketch at the end of a shift!
Stephen Curry, this headliner, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
LeBron James's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Kevin Hart hides his eyes under a towel. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
91-125 (L)
Albert Einstein bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Brick! Stephen Curry misfires under the basket! Hot head at the worst time!
Albert Einstein forces the pass! Forcing their prototype sketch where it doesn't fit!
Stephen Curry scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Ego the size of Texas!
Albert Einstein argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to revolutionizing the status quo!
Halftime. Kevin Hart glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Little secret: Kevin Hart listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Stephen Curry takes a tough deep three and it doesn't go! Heavy feet in shot selection!
Kevin Hart bends over during the dead ball! This All-Star caliber talent gathering what's left!
Stephen Curry coughs up the ball! Hot head strikes again back to the basket!
Albert Einstein kicks the air! The frustration of an inventor who knows they can do better!
Albert Einstein sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like an inventor after their prototype sketch broke!
Tim Duncan mutters while walking out. Stephen Curry watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
100-115 (L)
This all-time great LeBron James opens the scoring! A floater! Early advantage!
Tim Duncan fades away and fires but misses everything! Tendency to rush tonight!
This guy everybody knows Kevin Hart commits the offensive foul! Turnover driving to the hoop!
LeBron James reacts too late to rotate! Limited stamina on the help side!
LeBron James explodes the pill with flair and hits a reverse layup! Sensational!
Break! Stephen Curry takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Anecdote of the day: Stephen Curry forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. We're back! The players look fired up.
Tim Duncan, this All-Star caliber talent, with the frustrated foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion in tough moments!
LeBron James, this household name, comes up empty! A free throw off target from way beyond the arc!
This elite player Tim Duncan uses the floater over this tower coverage! Smart!
Stephen Curry short-arms the shot from fatigue! This guy everybody knows has nothing left!
LeBron James sits alone on the bench. This all-time great processing the defeat.
Albert Einstein bites the inside of his cheek. LeBron James pinches the bridge of his nose. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
My Team ends the season #10 with a 5W-10L record. Season MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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