My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | My Team | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Larry Bird is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 206 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Superman is on this team. Superman, who is a superhero and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with bare hands under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. The budget is simple: it's not a budget anymore, it's a manifesto. The owner said "I don't give a damn about consequences" and he proved it. We're in financial territory that even Adam Silver didn't anticipate when he wrote the rules. Every extra dollar spent costs five dollars in tax, and guess what, they spend WAY too many extra dollars. The roster is an infernal machine, the bench is a thing of beauty, but the price is zero future. No picks, no possible trades, no plan B. It's the championship or a wall at 200 miles per hour. There is no middle ground.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
85-114 (L)
James Harden, this absolute unit, sets the tone immediately! Unreal swagger from the jump!
This top-tier talent Larry Bird muscles up a buzzer-beater but can't get it to fall!
Larry Bird with the lazy pass! Hot head leading to easy points!
Larry Bird, this titan, gets exploited in the switch! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed in the mismatch!
Superman punishes the defense! A superhero punishing the game with precision!
That's a wrap for now. James Harden dives into the tunnel. Did you know James Harden started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Stephen Curry mouths off and picks up a T! Lack of consistency taking over!
Larry Bird, this certified bucket, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Larry Bird sets the screen at the perfect angle! This franchise guy cerebral play!
Charles Barkley, this top-tier talent, sucking wind after that sprint! The allotted time of battle!
Stephen Curry, this jersey-selling name, takes the loss hard. Shaky emotions under pressure at the wrong moments.
Superman replays the score in his head on a loop. James Harden tries to think about something else. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
124-87 (W)
Stephen Curry, this world-class player, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Superman with the step-back fadeaway jumper! Creating space like a superhero with their bare hands!
Larry Bird, this jersey-selling name, draws the double and finds the open shooter! Iron discipline!
An alley-oop by Charles Barkley! The crowd erupts! Natural-born leadership personified!
This All-Star caliber talent Charles Barkley takes the charge facing the rim! Gutsy play!
Time to breathe. Charles Barkley has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Fun fact: Charles Barkley tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. We're back! The players look fired up.
This guy with rings on every finger Superman with a vintage alley-oop! The old magic is still there!
Charles Barkley, this colossus, makes it look like practice! Total domination!
This elite player Charles Barkley argues a call that went in their favor! Wait what?
This headliner Charles Barkley stares down the bench! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd after the big play!
Final buzzer! James Harden is the hero! This reliable star with a game for the ages!
Stephen Curry performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. James Harden imitates it. It's worse. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
118-88 (W)
This max-contract guy Larry Bird opens the scoring! A double-clutch layup! Early advantage!
Larry Bird, this multi-time All-Star, reads the play perfectly and delivers a hook shot!
Larry Bird, this tree of a man, recovers and contests! Never-give-up effort fueled by unreal swagger!
Larry Bird with the bounce pass! This headliner threading it perfectly!
This All-Star caliber talent Stephen Curry attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Both teams head in. Stephen Curry has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Little secret: Stephen Curry has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Larry Bird strings together a reverse layup at the top of the key. Pure God-given talent on full display!
Wild stands as Charles Barkley, this walking skyscraper, is introduced! Goosebumps!
Superman, this all-time great, runs the play exactly as drawn! Execution!
This first-ballot legend Superman channels the inner champion! Silky smooth technique at its peak!
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, carries the team to victory! MVP-level performance!
Stephen Curry gives his headband to a kid in the crowd. Charles Barkley gives his shoes. Larry Bird gives his water bottle. The kid is overwhelmed. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
112-104 (W)
This franchise guy Larry Bird means business! Fast start from way beyond the arc!
Larry Bird, this All-Star caliber talent, operates in transition with a euro-step! Clinic!
This headliner Charles Barkley anchors the defense at the top of the key! Nothing gets through!
Larry Bird attacks and creates! Another assist in transition! Quarterback!
Stephen Curry reads the defense perfectly! Insane court vision and a sky-high basketball IQ!
End of the first act. James Harden is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Did you know James Harden once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
A sky hook by James Harden! The building is rocking! This guy everybody knows takeover!
Larry Bird posts up in front of the home faithful! A boiling cauldron! Beautiful!
Superman boxes out for the teammate! Making room like a superhero with the game!
This big-name player James Harden has that look in the eyes! Watch out! Iron discipline!
James Harden, this jersey-selling name, embraces the teammates! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! Sweet victory!
Stephen Curry climbs onto the scorer's table. James Harden joins him. Security is unsure whether to intervene. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
119-88 (W)
James Harden, this tree of a man, takes the court! The palpable tension is electric!
What a play by Stephen Curry! A deep three from way beyond the arc! This multi-time All-Star is cooking!
Stephen Curry, this All-Star caliber talent, clamps down on the star player! An off-the-charts basketball IQ on the assignment!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Superman orchestrates the offense under the basket! Maestro!
Stephen Curry, this tweener, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
Halftime! Stephen Curry is limping slightly heading off the court. Did you know Stephen Curry once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
James Harden, this guy everybody knows, absolutely nails a deep three along the baseline! Take a bow!
Charles Barkley, this titan, commands immense pressure! The arena belongs to this world-class player!
This max-contract guy James Harden motivates the squad in the huddle! Natural leader!
The evolution of Superman: competing the game taught patience. The hardwood taught glory!
Superman heads to the locker room with a smile! Good day at the office for the superhero!
Charles Barkley blows a kiss to the camera. Stephen Curry blows twelve. James Harden blocks the lens. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
98-97 (W)
James Harden, this long boy, announced to huge cheers! A Finals-like atmosphere!
Larry Bird picks the pocket of the ball handler! Straight robbery!
Stephen Curry dribbles but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Superman blows past and fires a pull-up jumper! This swiss-army-knife type lighting it up!
James Harden, this long boy, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Nerves of steel!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Larry Bird to massage his thighs. Did you know Larry Bird once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Stephen Curry posts up and drills it! At the last second! Freakish explosiveness under pressure!
Superman swats it away! A surgical steal with that superhero strength!
James Harden fades away to an eruption! Palpable tension! What a moment!
This bonafide star Larry Bird steals it in the closing moments! Turns defense into points!
Larry Bird fades away in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
Charles Barkley throws chalk powder like LeBron. James Harden coughs for two minutes straight. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
108-103 (W)
Charles Barkley penetrates with energy from the opening whistle! This jersey-selling name locked in!
Stephen Curry with the suffocating defense! This guy everybody knows is a wall out there!
James Harden, this tower, gets the look but can't convert from the left corner!
Charles Barkley, this beanpole, muscles in for a half-court heave! Pure power!
Larry Bird, this big fella, exploits the mismatch on the low block! Smart play!
Break. Superman asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Staff confession: Superman is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Larry Bird, this reliable star, with the cold-blooded euro-step from the left corner!
Stephen Curry reads the play and picks off the pass! Transition opportunity!
Listen to that roar! Superman lets fly and the place explodes!
This jersey-selling name James Harden takes over in crunch time! Insane court vision in crunch time!
Larry Bird, this world-class player, soaks in the moment! Victory along the baseline! A bench mob celebration!
Stephen Curry moonwalks across the hardwood. James Harden attempts the worm. One of them pulls it off. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
98-93 (W)
Superman steps onto the arena! From competing the game to this, game time!
A scoop layup from James Harden! This franchise guy reminding everyone why they're on top!
Stephen Curry with the huge brilliant anticipation at half court! This franchise guy says no!
Stephen Curry with the no-look pass! This established star has eyes in the back of the head!
This certified bucket Charles Barkley recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Back to the locker room. Superman punches his locker. Did you know Superman entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
This headliner James Harden capitalizes back to the basket! A reverse layup with eyes in the back of the head!
Charles Barkley soaks in a packed arena! This franchise guy living for these moments!
Stephen Curry, this top-tier talent, picks up the fallen teammate! Scary good handles beyond the stats!
James Harden crosses over with the fire of a thousand suns! He's on fire!
This guy everybody knows Stephen Curry led from start to finish! Comprehensive win!
Charles Barkley pretends to faint from happiness. Larry Bird pretends to call 911. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
112-81 (W)
This elite player Charles Barkley in the starting lineup! Let's see what this elite player brings!
Charles Barkley, this established star, drops a bucket on the low block! Pure artistry!
Charles Barkley lets fly and dishes! Gorgeous feed along the baseline! Ridiculous creativity!
Stephen Curry fires away the rock with ridiculous creativity. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
James Harden, this All-Star caliber talent, bodied up and forced the turnover! Physical defense!
Break. Superman collapses next to the vending machine. Staff confession: Superman is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Charles Barkley spins and it's a layup! This multi-time All-Star proving the doubters wrong!
Stephen Curry lets fly without breaking a sweat! This bonafide star cruise control!
Stephen Curry rises up and pulls up at half court! Time? There's a full quarter left!
Stephen Curry pumps the fist! This max-contract guy feeling it at the top of the key! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench!
Larry Bird, this big-name player, high-fives the bench! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench! Team effort!
Stephen Curry and James Harden play rock-paper-scissors to decide who carries the ball. Stephen Curry loses. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
126-99 (W)
Tip-off! Charles Barkley gets us started! Let's go!
James Harden, this tree of a man, showcases next-level basketball IQ with a gorgeous reverse layup!
Larry Bird, this titan, swats it into the third row! An iron-wall defense!
This global icon Superman leads the fast break and dishes! Easy bucket off the assist!
Superman identifies the soft spot in the zone! This absolute legend surgical precision!
Break! Charles Barkley takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Fun fact: Charles Barkley was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Stephen Curry with an off-the-charts basketball IQ finds the angle for a tear drop!
The energy in this building is unreal! Larry Bird channeling immense pressure!
This undisputed superstar Superman celebrates the teammate's score! It's about the team!
James Harden, this walking skyscraper, stands tall when the team needs this reliable star most!
Larry Bird, this titan, takes the final bow! A hug with the coach! Dominant display!
James Harden drops to his knees and kisses the court. Superman pretends to gag. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
122-89 (W)
This bonafide star Larry Bird comes out aggressive! Opens with a sky hook on the low block!
Larry Bird drains an and-one from downtown! Textbook that dawg mentality!
Superman, this smooth operator, hits the cutter perfectly! Nerves of steel right on time!
Superman catches fire! And it's a buzzer-beater! A killer instinct taking over!
Superman, this all-around player, covers ground to get the monster swat! Wow!
Back in the locker room, James Harden sits down and stares at the ceiling. Intel: James Harden once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
This jersey-selling name Charles Barkley does it again! A double-clutch layup with effortless precision!
Superman with the dagger in the blowout! Overkill! The superhero showed no mercy!
James Harden, this mammoth, flexes after a missed shot! This bonafide star keeping it positive!
James Harden slides across the floor! A bench mob celebration driving to the hoop! Entertainment!
That's the game! James Harden finishes with a monster performance! This guy everybody knows victorious!
James Harden moonwalks across the hardwood. Stephen Curry attempts the worm. One of them pulls it off. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
92-108 (L)
Stephen Curry opens with a pull-up jumper! This world-class player making an early statement!
James Harden misfires under the basket! Even this certified bucket has off nights!
James Harden tries to be too fancy and loses the orange! Limited stamina in the decision-making!
Larry Bird overcommits and gets beat! Lack of consistency when reading the play!
Larry Bird buries an off-balance shot along the baseline! This elite player is on fire tonight!
Halftime! Stephen Curry checks his stats on the board and winces. Juicy intel: Stephen Curry turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
This big-name player Larry Bird slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Charles Barkley explodes the rock awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this top-tier talent!
This elite player Larry Bird adjusts the angle mid-drive! Freakish explosiveness body control!
Superman digs deep! Deep as a superhero digs into the game!
Larry Bird walks off in silence. This headliner gave it all but it wasn't enough.
James Harden shakes Charles Barkley's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
114-92 (W)
This franchise guy Larry Bird gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Stephen Curry pulls up and drills a catch-and-shoot triple! Can't teach that!
Larry Bird, this mammoth, contests without fouling! Clean as a whistle!
James Harden, this oversized freak, finds the trailer! A reverse layup off the assist, easy money!
This guy everybody knows Stephen Curry runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
End of the second quarter. Superman is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Intel: Superman asked Boston Ring-Chasers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Stephen Curry attacks off the pick and roll and finishes with a reverse layup! Too good!
Stephen Curry, this big-name player, waves the crowd up! A Playoff atmosphere rising!
Larry Bird makes the extra pass! This franchise guy hockey assist for a free throw!
The narrative shifts! Stephen Curry takes control with nerves of steel!
This big-name player Larry Bird is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
Stephen Curry grabs James Harden and hoists him onto his shoulders. Larry Bird tries to climb on too. It ends in a pile. Evening confession: I'm wearing Stephen Curry's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
103-96 (W)
James Harden, this max-contract guy, embraces the wild stands! Game on!
Charles Barkley takes off past everyone for a reverse layup! This walking skyscraper on a mission!
Larry Bird draws the offensive foul! Smart play, great positioning!
Larry Bird reads the defense like a book! Assist from way beyond the arc! Iron discipline!
Superman runs the offense! Running it like a superhero runs the show!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Larry Bird walks head down toward the tunnel. Quick anecdote about Larry Bird: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
A reverse layup from Larry Bird! This headliner is putting on a show tonight!
James Harden, this long boy, basks in a cathedral silence! This is home!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, holds the team together with scary good handles! Captain!
James Harden, this jersey-selling name, has the intangibles! Next-level basketball IQ beyond the stats!
Charles Barkley attacks off the court victorious! This jersey-selling name leaves it all out there!
Larry Bird and Charles Barkley carry James Harden like a trophy across the entire court. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
84-129 (L)
Stephen Curry spins onto the floor! The crowd roars for this certified bucket!
Charles Barkley, this All-Star caliber talent, fumbles the finish from way beyond the arc! Back to the drawing board!
Larry Bird throws it away! Tendency to rush under pressure at the buzzer!
Larry Bird loses the screen battle! Heavy feet around the picks!
James Harden gets a technical for complaining! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Halftime whistle. James Harden has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Did you know? James Harden launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Larry Bird misfires facing the rim! This established star searching for answers!
Stephen Curry is running on pure willpower! This world-class player refusing to quit!
This established star Charles Barkley gets pickpocketed driving to the hoop! Sloppy handling!
This franchise guy Larry Bird fouls hard out of frustration! Ego the size of Texas showing!
This All-Star caliber talent James Harden leaves the gymnasium with head held high. Fought to the end.
Charles Barkley stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Larry Bird exhales. Again. And again. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
My Team finishes #3, a fantastic season! 12W-3L. Season MVP: Larry Bird.
Season journal
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