My dream soccer team — football_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

The digital transformation consultant does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. GOOOOAL from Stephen Hawking! The ball was loose, he sniffed it out and BANG, in off the toe!

Solidarity move: CaseOh grabs Stephen Hawking who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Stephen Hawking a standing ovation right through to the restart.

The opposition piles forward but the block is impenetrable. Lamorne Morris plays firefighter, sprints back to put out the defensive blaze at full speed. What a tackle by Lamorne Morris! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding.

George Pig plays off CaseOh, the return arrives right down the middle and George Pig is free as a bird. Burst of speed from the student down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Shoulder charge from George Pig on the opponent, just a bit too forceful for the ref's liking. Clever free kick from George Pig to Sean Combs, they play it short to cut out the wall.

PENALTY! Darkseid is illegally stopped in the box! The defender tripped him, the referee has no doubt. The stadium is THROBBING, this is the moment of truth! Darkseid sends his penalty over the bar! The crossbar wasn't even in danger. What a miss.

Oh no, Paris Saint-Glinglin score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Michael Jordan and George Pig do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Michael Jordan arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Deathly silence in the dressing room. You could hear a pin drop. Michael Jackson sits with {his} head in {his} hands, the picture of a footballer who knows {he} has had a nightmare. Michael Jordan is slumped against the wall, eyes vacant. The gaffer stands in front of them, veins bulging in his neck, searching for words that will not come out as screaming. We're told that Kanye West once auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing during the off-season. Didn't make it past the first round, but Craig Revel Horwood apparently said his footwork was 'not entirely dreadful,' which is high praise from that man. And now, our TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Nation! To win a trolley dash through the reduced section at Tesco, text 0800YELLOW and answer: 'What time do the yellow stickers go on at your local supermarket?' And the second half is go! Michael Jordan charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Frenzied press, two players jumping on every touch. Well spotted by George Pig who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation. Long ball from George Pig to CaseOh, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. CaseOh fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Stephen Hawking throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box.

Monumental ball from Lil Dicky to Darkseid, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Nutmeg from Darkseid on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful.

Stephen Hawking plays short to Michael Jackson on the corner, a classic little tactical combination. Michael Jackson whips in a cross at head height, Kanye West anticipates and gets ahead of his marker. Cross from Kanye West far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone. Massive punt from Michael Jordan, sends the ball sixty yards, Lamorne Morris is scrapping for it up top. The movie actor/actress rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great.

Lil Dicky thumps his header on the corner from Sean Combs but it flies two yards over. Terrible waste. Sean Combs boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go. Aerial duel lost by Jesus Christ, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Stephen Hawking scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

Massive clearance from the student under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Jesus Christ jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. HEADER from George Pig! His forehead connects but it flies over the crossbar. Unlucky. Darkseid clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

It's a goal for Paris Saint-Glinglin! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

Michael Jordan sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Michael Jordan, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

The rapper slides a perfect cut-back for Lamorne Morris in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class. NOOOOO the movie actor/actress fluffs it in front of an empty net! Jesus Christ had done everything. In that role, you simply cannot miss those. Michael Jordan plays out from the back with Michael Jackson, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

Tough one against Paris Saint-Glinglin. Lil Dicky and Michael Jackson are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. Julie from Leicester says half seven on a Tuesday is prime yellow sticker time and she has the elbows to prove it. Trolley dash for Julie! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

3-2 (W)

Brilliant interception from George Pig, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. The philanthropist aims with surgical precision on the pass from Lil Dicky! In that position, knowing how to place a ball like that, you become a nightmare for keepers. GOAL!

High recovery from Jesus Christ, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. The messiah finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Stephen Hawking clean through. Pure genius from that position. GOOOAL! Stephen Hawking unleashes a cannonball that ends its run in the back of the net. The bar shook!

GOAL for México No-Era-Penal! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Decisive glance from George Pig who spots the pass leaving the boot and throws himself into the trajectory. What a lifesaving interception. Absolute peach from George Pig, threading it through for Michael Jackson, the centre-halves are done for! What a STRIKER Michael Jackson is! He was right where he needed to be, in off the toe. GOOOAL!

Free kick from Stephen Hawking, lovely delivery and Lil Dicky rises above the defence. Cross blocked from the rapper by the defence. The defender anticipated it, that is the eternal battle between the flank and the back line.

"We are cruising, lads, but we keep the foot on the gas, understood?" The gaffer is calm but firm. George Pig responds with a thumbs up, mouth full of banana. Sean Combs is retying {his} boots for the third time, a habit that drives the kit man mad. The mood is confident without being cocky. Just right. Now this is properly British — Jesus Christ once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 2019 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 7788 and answer this question: 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. George Pig is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Sean Combs finds Michael Jackson between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Ground pass from Michael Jackson into the free zone for Lamorne Morris, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post. Overlap from Lamorne Morris with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. Lamorne Morris tugs the attacker back by both shoulders, that's not even trying to hide it!

The rapper finds Jesus Christ along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Jesus Christ hits the afterburners and flies past his defender, that is blistering pace. Jesus Christ clips the attacker's shoulder and holds on, free kick given. Jesus Christ picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price.

And there it is, México No-Era-Penal score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. Stephen Hawking curls one with his right, it's bending and bending but it slides just wide of the post. So close! The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Lil Dicky drops a lofted ball to Lamorne Morris, it sails over the entire midfield line. Magnificent shift from Lamorne Morris! Kanye West picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his.

Authoritative clearance from Kanye West in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. Darkseid launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Darkseid was flying. Darkseid plays it simple to Lamorne Morris, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. Lay-off from Lil Dicky to Sean Combs, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Sean Combs makes a mess of a simple pass to Kanye West, the ball bobbles and ends up with the opposition.

High recovery from the messiah who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. Ball in behind from the messiah, CaseOh is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. CaseOh tries a crossfield ball to Lil Dicky but it is miles too long, the ball sails out. Nothing to salvage. Michael Jackson slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened. Michael Jackson heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one.

That is a statement result! Sean Combs stands at the centre circle and applauds every corner of the ground, slowly, deliberately. Michael Jordan joins him. The floodlights catch the moment perfectly. Somewhere, a photographer just got his picture of the season. México No-Era-Penal won't forget this one. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what century was the chippy tea declared a human right?'. The answer was of course the 21st, specifically in 2004, following a landmark case in Barnsley Crown Court. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-2 (L)

They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. The rapper places his shot to perfection on the cross from Sean Combs, GOOOOAL! In that position, that finesse in the foot is pure gold.

The entrepreneur throws it out to Stephen Hawking, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Masterful aerial duel from Stephen Hawking, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. The university professor plays it simple to Lil Dicky, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Line-breaking pass from Lil Dicky! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Lamorne Morris picks it up at full pace. Devastating.

Lil Dicky rolls the free kick along the ground to CaseOh, it is the short routine. CaseOh has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever. Shot from Jesus Christ, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres.

Jesus Christ does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. Jesus Christ tries to dink it over the goalkeeper, but it sails over the bar as well. Quick throw from Michael Jordan to George Pig out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go.

They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Overlap from the philanthropist with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Low cut-back from the philanthropist for Kanye West. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality. Golden chance WAAASTED by Kanye West! Darkseid plays the perfect ball, the goal is empty, and he misses. Incomprehensible.

Darkseid cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Deliveroo data leaked to the press shows George Pig ordered from the same kebab shop 83 times in one month. At 28 and 180, the lad reportedly has a VIP loyalty card and his own reserved doner rotation. And now, our TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a family pass to a motorway services Burger King, text 0800M25 and answer: 'How many hours does it take to travel one junction on the M25 on a Friday?' Kick-off! Darkseid wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

The philanthropist sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. Sean Combs sends Darkseid into space with a pass weighted to the centimetre. The fullback is nowhere. The military leader is flagged offside by a whisker on Stephen Hawking's ball, agonising decision. The entrepreneur finds Sean Combs with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Monster clearance from Darkseid! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Michael Jordan smashes a volley towards Stephen Hawking, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Aerial duel won by Stephen Hawking, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender. Incredible burst of pace from Stephen Hawking, he eats up the ground in just a few strides.

The rapper bounces off Jesus Christ for a lightning one-two. The kind of player who makes everyone around him better. The rapper is caught offside from CaseOh's through ball. Flag goes up. Short restart from the entrepreneur to Michael Jackson, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Michael Jackson keeps it short to Kanye West, no frills, just good football intelligence.

And it's a goal! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Michael Jordan and Darkseid do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Michael Jordan arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Delayed tackle from George Pig, the attacker was gone ages ago by the time he hits the floor. The entrepreneur parries it into the middle, scramble in the box. In that position, you are paid to either catch it or clear it, not gift balls to the attackers. The military leader boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

GOAL for Casablanca Dima-Maghrib! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Michael Jordan legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Stephen Hawking tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Panicked clearance from George Pig, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. The philanthropist catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. The referee shows Sean Combs yellow for a dangerous challenge. He'll need to be careful now.

It's over and Casablanca Dima-Maghrib take the points. Darkseid shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. George Pig walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. Karen from Slough says roughly four and a half hours per junction, which she verified last Bank Holiday. Enjoy your Burger King, Karen! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

The rapper overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. The rapper finds Stephen Hawking with a pull-back in the danger zone. The kind of decisive service that makes the difference at the highest level. OOOH GOAL from Stephen Hawking! On the assist from Lil Dicky, he curls it along the deck and the ball sneaks into the corner!

Lil Dicky mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Michael Jackson plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Michael Jordan plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Clearance from the entrepreneur towards Lil Dicky, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Lil Dicky is outmuscled in the air by his direct opponent, he did not have the spring to match him. The entrepreneur plucks the cross with both hands. In that position, when you have that authority in the air, your defence plays with their eyes closed. Smooth transition from George Pig to Lamorne Morris, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Sideways ball from Lil Dicky to Jesus Christ, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Jesus Christ reads the movement from Michael Jackson and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. The philanthropist butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. Kanye West steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class.

George Pig slides it to Kanye West, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Kanye West slips Stephen Hawking in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Stephen Hawking feints right, goes left, the defender is completely wrong-footed. Stephen Hawking tries a step-over but the defender is not buying it and wins the ball.

Sombrero flick from Jesus Christ, the ball lobs the defender and he collects it on the other side. Majestic. Short pass from the messiah to Darkseid, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Wide from the military leader! The ball licks the post. In that role, that shooting ability is a real asset, the next one's going in. Short distribution from Michael Jordan to Michael Jackson, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

Lamorne Morris sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Jesus Christ sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Lamorne Morris nods but does not look up. The 49-year-old Kanye West adopted a rescue greyhound that now refuses to run under any circumstances. The dog sits on the sofa watching Homes Under the Hammer while Kanye West trains — living the dream, honestly. And now, our TV game show Through the Keyhole of Number 42! To win net curtains for every window in your house, text 0800NOSY and answer: 'What is the maximum acceptable time to watch your neighbour through the curtains?' Here come the lads. Lamorne Morris jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

One laser pass from Lil Dicky and the entire defence is eliminated, Jesus Christ is through on goal. The space is enormous. Flag up! Jesus Christ was beyond the last man when CaseOh released the pass. Michael Jordan distributes short to Jesus Christ, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Massive diagonal from Jesus Christ! Sean Combs receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

Michael Jordan opts for the short option to Michael Jackson, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Michael Jackson intercepts in the opposition half, he read the play three seconds before anyone else. That is defensive caviar. Michael Jackson looks up and launches a long pass towards Jesus Christ. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

Sombrero from Stephen Hawking right inside the box, the audacity is outrageous. The defender will not recover from that. Blistering run from Stephen Hawking on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Overlap and cross from Stephen Hawking, the ball drops at the feet of Lil Dicky in the heart of the box. Header from Lil Dicky, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there. Michael Jordan takes his time and plays it short to Darkseid. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch.

Lil Dicky whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post. Lil Dicky changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Michael Jackson. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Good ball from Michael Jackson to Lamorne Morris, playing it quick between the lines. Overlap from Lamorne Morris on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt.

GOAL for Dakar Teranga FC! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

George Pig steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. The student opens up to Jesus Christ on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Jesus Christ loses his aerial duel against the opposition midfielder, he could not get position before the jump. WHAT A SAVE from the entrepreneur! That kind of keeper wins you matches all on his own.

1-1. Stephen Hawking and Lil Dicky are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Stephen Hawking. "Next time," replies Lil Dicky. And they vanish into the tunnel. Valerie from Bournemouth says thirty-eight seconds is the socially accepted maximum before you have to pretend to look at your phone. Net curtains for Valerie! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-2 (L)

They've done it! Douala Makossa-Corner find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. The philanthropist spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for CaseOh. That is exactly why he is out there. GOOOAL from CaseOh! The keeper rushes out, CaseOh sends a lob with the OUTSIDE of his boot and the ball settles delicately into the empty net. VELVET, that is BEAUTIFUL!

CaseOh puts it right into the feet of Darkseid, one touch and away. Silky stuff. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. Good ball from the philanthropist to Jesus Christ, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. The messiah roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head.

The student produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. George Pig shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Lamorne Morris. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. WHAT A SHAME for Lamorne Morris! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back.

SHOOOOT from the philanthropist! On target but saved by the keeper. In that role, those kind of efforts put the defence under serious pressure. It's a penalty! Michael Jackson shoots and the ball deflects off a defender's arm. Harsh maybe, but the arm was up. Lamorne Morris takes the penalty and it's miles wide! He's crumbled under the pressure.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Michael Jackson, you have barely touched the ball. Stephen Hawking, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Kanye West still drives the same Vauxhall Corsa from when the lad was 17, despite earning enough to buy a fleet. The 49-year-old says the rattling exhaust 'keeps you grounded, innit.' And now, our TV game show The Crystal Gazer! To win a weekend at a haunted Premier Inn, text 0800GHOST and answer: 'How many ghosts per square metre does the average Travelodge have?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Stephen Hawking knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Lamorne Morris links up with Jesus Christ, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Give and go from the messiah with CaseOh, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold. The defence holds its line and Jesus Christ is caught offside from Lil Dicky's ball over the top. Michael Jordan distributes by hand to CaseOh on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Decisive interception from the digital transformation consultant, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role.

The military leader reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Darkseid clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! Douala Makossa-Corner score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Jesus Christ lays it off first time to Lil Dicky, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Lil Dicky gets to the byline and drills a low cut-back, Darkseid is there to meet it. Darkseid trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Kanye West had done it all, what an absolute waste. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill.

Michael Jordan fires it out quickly by hand to Kanye West, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. That is a tackle of the highest order from Kanye West. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. The rapper lays it off first time to Michael Jackson, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

The rapper shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Jesus Christ. Pure quality, as per usual. Perfectly executed challenge by Jesus Christ, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. The messiah launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

Magnificent tackle from George Pig! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Pitch-length run from the student, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory. Ball loss from George Pig in a duel, the defender is stronger and wins it back. Lovely interception from Lamorne Morris, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target.

Defeat against Douala Makossa-Corner. Michael Jackson fronts up to the media: "Not good enough. My fault as much as anyone's." Short, honest, painful. George Pig waits for him outside the press room. They walk to the car park together. The floodlights click off behind them. Wendy from Carlisle says roughly three point seven ghosts per square metre based on her last stay in Watford. Haunted Premier Inn weekend it is! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-3 (L)

What a mess! Lagos No-Carry-Last capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Michael Jordan dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The philanthropist devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match. GOAL for Sean Combs! What a DAY OF EXCEPTION for this attacker! He does it all on his own and scores!

Sean Combs mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Kanye West plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Michael Jordan plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

You can feel the stadium rising, the goal feels like it's coming. Cross from Lil Dicky off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Stephen Hawking at the far side. Dominant header from Stephen Hawking on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Three-man routine: Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Change of flanks from Sean Combs, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Michael Jackson. The philanthropist wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. The philanthropist accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Cut-back along the turf from the philanthropist for Jesus Christ. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. Jesus Christ winds up and shoots, but the defender throws himself down and takes the ball in the stomach. Brave stuff.

Someone has kicked over the medical kit and there are ice packs and tape rolls scattered across the floor. Nobody picks them up. CaseOh sits among the debris, boots off, staring at the wall. Darkseid has not said a word since coming in. The gaffer surveys the wreckage, literal and metaphorical, and takes a deep breath before delivering his verdict. Here's one that'll make you smile — Michael Jordan spent three hundred quid at a Blackpool arcade trying to win a stuffed monkey from a claw machine. Didn't get it. Went back the next day with another fifty. Still didn't get it. He's 63 and absolutely committed. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 3355 and answer this question: 'What is the Latin name for a soggy chip?' The gaffer gives Michael Jordan one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Michael Jordan runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Free kick conceded by the rapper, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. Free kick into the wall for the rapper! In that position, when the wall blocks your free kick, you can't drop your head, it's part of the game. Pathetic corner from the university professor. In that role, missing set pieces that badly shows a focus problem.

Sean Combs picks out CaseOh with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. CaseOh shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. Foul by CaseOh on the opponent, clips him from behind. Free kick. Yellow card. CaseOh scythed the opponent down with no intention of playing the ball. CaseOh lines up his free kick but the wall blocks everything. Frustrating.

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. Kanye West clatters into the opponent, a fraction late on the challenge. Free kick. The rapper finally sees yellow after foul upon foul. Should know better at that position. Free kick from Kanye West... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch.

Stephen Hawking slips it to CaseOh on the short corner, the defense stretches to follow. Cross from CaseOh, he puts it on the far post for Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ sends a cross that finds nobody, the ball flies past the far post with no takers.

Driven kick from Michael Jordan to Lil Dicky, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Lil Dicky reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Lil Dicky was quicker.

Oh no, it's in! Lagos No-Carry-Last punish a terrible defensive error. Heads in hands.

Three-man routine: Michael Jordan, Stephen Hawking and Michael Jordan do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Lovely use of the ball by Darkseid, finding Stephen Hawking in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Stephen Hawking takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Holding foul by the university professor, grabs the attacker by the arm. Free kick. The ref shows Stephen Hawking yellow for taking out the legs on the counter. Classic tactical booking.

Clinical interception from Darkseid, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Quick exchange between Darkseid and Lamorne Morris, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Lamorne Morris fires the ball over to Darkseid with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Rapid combination: Darkseid to Kanye West, the ball barely touches the grass between them.

Tough one against Lagos No-Carry-Last. Michael Jordan and Kanye West are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the Latin name for a soggy chip?'. The answer was of course Solanum Disappointicus, first classified by a weeping botanist in Grimsby. Ethel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-3 (L)

The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. GOOOOAL from CaseOh! BLISTERING strike that ends top corner, the keeper is on the deck!

CaseOh sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Jesus Christ photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Lamorne Morris puts Michael Jackson into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. GOOOAL! Michael Jackson onto the pass from CaseOh produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Unreal defensive effort from George Pig, recovers from the halfway line to prevent a certain goal. George Pig grabs the shirt and pulls back. No attempt to play the ball, pure gamesmanship. George Pig goes into the book for pulling back the opponent on the counter. Pragmatic to the bone. Free kick blocked for the student! In that position, when the wall stands firm, it's ROUTINE in football, you have to keep the faith. Corner from George Pig, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post.

GOAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Knee slide from Michael Jordan right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. CaseOh does the same down the line. Michael Jordan turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Kanye West reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Lil Dicky embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal. The rapper lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in.

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Sean Combs's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Sean Combs takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. Stephen Hawking is reportedly banned from a laser tag centre in Milton Keynes after taking it 'way too seriously' during a teammate's birthday. The 84-year-old allegedly slide-tackled a twelve-year-old. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5577 and answer this question: 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Kanye West high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Stephen Hawking tries to cross but it is deflected behind for a corner by the defender. The messiah sends the corner anywhere but where it should be, goal kick. In that position, having quality on the ball is the bare minimum, well below par here.

It's in the back of the net! Barranquilla Toque-Toque celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Michael Jordan climbs onto Darkseid's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Michael Jordan circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Corner from Sean Combs, it drops in the six-yard box, CHAOS! A defender wellies it clear! Kanye West clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Aerial duel lost by Lil Dicky, he is beaten to the punch by the attacker. The ball flies over his head.

Emergency clearance from the movie actor/actress, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Short pass from the military leader to Kanye West, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Kanye West takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Michael Jordan charges the attacker and smothers at the feet! Neuer-style sweep, pure art. The entrepreneur goes long for Stephen Hawking, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Crossfield pass from Stephen Hawking to Sean Combs, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet.

It's there! Barranquilla Toque-Toque tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Sean Combs rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Michael Jackson. The far side is completely deserted.

CaseOh to Sean Combs, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Trip by Sean Combs, the opponent goes tumbling. Standard free kick.

That's that, then. Darkseid trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Michael Jackson hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?'. The answer was of course approximately the width of a bus shelter, expanding to cathedral size when someone waves at you and you wave back but they were waving at someone else. Geraldine wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-0 (W)

Enormous press from Jesus Christ who wins the ball thirty yards from goal. The opponent buckled under the pressure. Jesus Christ arrives full pelt and pokes the ball into the net! Off the tip of the boot, the keeper has no chance, GOAL!

Lil Dicky switches the play to Michael Jackson on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Pinpoint delivery from the philanthropist towards Darkseid, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Darkseid springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference.

Jesus Christ opens up to CaseOh on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Clean lay-off from the digital transformation consultant to Sean Combs into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. Sean Combs burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. The philanthropist rolls it back along the ground for CaseOh. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches.

Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. Majestic individual run from Sean Combs, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Sean Combs goes flying in with a slide tackle but the attacker leaves him for dead with a little shimmy. Dismissal for the digital transformation consultant after fouling the attacker clean through. Last defender — he chose the red over the goal.

Michael Jordan lumps it long towards Sean Combs, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Sean Combs looks for Stephen Hawking with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. Superb tackle from the digital transformation consultant, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Instinctive clearance from CaseOh who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

The boss writes three words on the board: KEEP. IT. GOING. Then turns to face the group. "I do not need to say much. You know what you are doing out there. CaseOh, you have been outstanding. Sean Combs, keep that right side locked down. The rest of you, same again. Let us finish this properly." Unconfirmed reports suggest Sean Combs received a lifetime ban from a Wetherspoons in Croydon after an incident involving a quiz machine and a pint of Doom Bar. The 57-year-old denies everything. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0898 and answer this question: 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?' Back on the pitch and Lil Dicky is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Lil Dicky strings together a double stepover and leaves the defender for dead. Sublime skill. The rapper tries to con the referee with a theatrical tumble. Not a chance. Lil Dicky gets a well-deserved yellow for that blatant piece of simulation. Lil Dicky hits the free kick but it bounces off the wall. Nothing doing. Corner cleared, the philanthropist finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly.

Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. Strike from Stephen Hawking that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal. Monster clearance from Michael Jordan, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Sean Combs. Overlap from the philanthropist with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

The movie actor/actress positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Kanye West spots the run from Michael Jackson and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! Lamorne Morris threads it through to Michael Jackson, but the assistant referee has his flag raised. Offside.

The free kick from Lil Dicky is superb, it picks out Stephen Hawking unmarked in the box. Michael Jordan climbs and gathers the leather with both hands, that is reassuring. Michael Jordan plays it short to Jesus Christ, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

Short restart from the entrepreneur to Kanye West, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Classy interception from Kanye West, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Short pass from the rapper to Stephen Hawking, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

It's over and we've won it! Michael Jackson grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Michael Jordan pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?'. The answer was of course Biscuitgrad, which only appears on maps printed during bank holidays. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-1 (L)

Firm pass from George Pig into Darkseid, right into the boots. No waste. Darkseid swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. Darkseid hangs around the box like a vulture! And BAM, he turns the smallest scrap into a goal. GOAL!

George Pig legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. CaseOh tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Sean Combs pulls out an elastico from nowhere, the defender is bamboozled. That is showtime. Burst of speed from the philanthropist down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Inch-perfect cross from Sean Combs, the ball clips just over the keeper's hands and finds George Pig at the back post.

Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. The philanthropist switches the play to Lil Dicky, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

The entrepreneur finds Stephen Hawking with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Stephen Hawking wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination. The university professor roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head.

It's there! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

VAR complaints are flying around the dressing room. "That was a stonewall penalty, how has he not given that?" George Pig is livid, gesturing wildly. Lamorne Morris chips in: "Absolute shambles, the officiating." The gaffer cuts them off: "Forget the ref. We control what we can control. Now sit down and listen." Unbelievable but true — Sean Combs has been banned from three separate branches of Nando's for excessive use of the bottomless refill machine. He views it as a personal challenge, not a service. The man is 57 and shows no signs of slowing down. And now, our TV game show Saturday Night Takeaway Kebab! To win a doner kebab the size of your head, text 0800KEBAB and answer: 'At what hour on a Saturday night does a kebab become a medical necessity?' And they are off! Michael Jordan touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Kanye West launches it to Jesus Christ on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Brilliant tackle from Jesus Christ! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Jesus Christ rolls it to George Pig, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. George Pig puts Lamorne Morris in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. The movie actor/actress strays just offside on Sean Combs's pass, the linesman raises his flag. Brutal.

Heroic low block, every single player at his post. Brilliant recovery from Lamorne Morris, stops the opponent from getting a clear run at goal. Lamorne Morris pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary.

Magnificent reading of the game from George Pig, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. George Pig boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Kanye West to Jesus Christ, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow.

Clearance from Kanye West under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. George Pig delivers a tidy ball to Michael Jackson, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Sharp cut inside from Michael Jackson, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty.

Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. Overlap from CaseOh on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. The digital transformation consultant tries one dribble too many and loses the ball. In that position, you have got to know when to release it. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

Sean Combs hounds the goalkeeper on his distribution and wins the ball on the edge of the box. Audacity rewarded. Sean Combs beats the defender with a double touch, escaping in a tight space. Strong. Just wide from Sean Combs, needed a fraction more accuracy on that. Clearance from the entrepreneur towards Kanye West, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

Draw. CaseOh takes the time to shake every Buenos Aires Pecho Frío player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. George Pig follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. Tommo from Newcastle says half eleven and not a minute sooner. The giant kebab is his! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-2 (L)

Michael Jordan goes long for Jesus Christ, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. The messiah is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. GOOOOOAL! Lamorne Morris dominates his marker and powers the ball into the net with his head. The cross from Michael Jackson was worth its weight in gold!

Michael Jordan fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Stephen Hawking plays the medic running in. Michael Jordan plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

George Pig plays the simple ball to Lil Dicky, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Shifting pass from Lil Dicky to CaseOh, the ball drifts into the free zone and CaseOh is onto it in two strides. CaseOh curls a cross to the near post, Stephen Hawking is lurking in the box. Stephen Hawking swings it in and it's BEDLAM in the box! The defense is clinging on for dear life!

They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. Sean Combs lets it go and it's wide. Not far from the post but not quite on target. Frustrating. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Jesus Christ sends an aerial beauty to CaseOh, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Error from the digital transformation consultant, the pass is too soft and the opponent intercepts. Happens to the best of them.

They've scored! Rio Malandro FC break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Michael Jordan spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Sean Combs gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Enormous anticipation from Kanye West who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Sean Combs, you have barely touched the ball. Michael Jordan, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Unconfirmed reports suggest Lamorne Morris received a lifetime ban from a Wetherspoons in Croydon after an incident involving a quiz machine and a pint of Doom Bar. The 46-year-old denies everything. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Back on the pitch and Michael Jackson is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Oh that's poor! Rio Malandro FC score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Michael Jordan dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Lamorne Morris can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Michael Jordan claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

The corner from the philanthropist is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. Jesus Christ unleashes a raking ball out to Lil Dicky, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Enormous leap from Lil Dicky who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. One touch football: Lil Dicky to George Pig, faster than the opposition can think. George Pig gives it to Darkseid who returns it first time, George Pig ghosts past his man like he does not exist.

Emergency clearance from Darkseid, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Michael Jordan launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Jesus Christ after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Crucial intervention from the messiah, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on.

Phenomenal run from CaseOh, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter. CaseOh has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines.

Darkseid swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Sean Combs, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Superb leap from Sean Combs who wins the aerial duel hands down. The opposition striker can only watch from below. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Incredible solo charge from the digital transformation consultant, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition.

Kanye West intercepts in the danger zone, he read the opposition's combination as if he had the match script in his back pocket. Kanye West shifts it to Michael Jackson with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Ball into space from the philanthropist for Stephen Hawking, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage. Bad pass from the university professor, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly.

The free kick from Stephen Hawking is a dangerous one, Sean Combs meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Sean Combs goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Sean Combs sets it for Stephen Hawking, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Intense pressing from the university professor, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team.

Defeat and the dressing room feels like a dentist's waiting room. Sean Combs stares at his boots like they've personally betrayed him. Jesus Christ peels off his tape slowly, methodically. The gaffer says five words: "We'll fix it in training." Everyone believes him. Sort of. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-2 (L)

CaseOh beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. The digital transformation consultant is illegally stopped in the box, PENALTY! In that position, when you force the defender into a foul inside the 18-yard box, you take the match by the SCRUFF. Moment of TRUTH! GOOOAL! CaseOh sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. GOOOAL! Jesus Christ executes the PERFECT lob! The keeper made the mistake of coming out and Jesus Christ punishes him with INCREDIBLE finesse. The ball floats and settles in the net. GOAL OF GENIUS!

Jesus Christ scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Lamorne Morris is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Brutal challenge by CaseOh, he's absolutely smashed the attacker. The crowd are furious. CaseOh charges into the opponent with a raised elbow. That's violent conduct, straight red. The free kick from CaseOh clears the defence and finds Darkseid in the danger area. Aerial duel won by the military leader, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box.

The university professor embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional. Stephen Hawking puts Lil Dicky into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. The linesman flags Lil Dicky offside and that is razor thin! Darkseid throws his arms up. Long kick from Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on.

They've scored! Istanbul Cehennem FK find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Michael Jordan finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. Stephen Hawking plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

The physio works on Michael Jackson's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Michael Jackson, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Michael Jordan, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. A delightful revelation — Kanye West panic-bought seventeen tins of baked beans during a supermarket scare and still hasn't got through them. His cupboard is essentially a Heinz warehouse. The man is 49 and fully prepared for any future bean-related emergency. And now, our TV game show The Apprentice Plumber! To win a call-out from a plumber within the same calendar year, text 4123 and answer: 'How many cups of tea must you offer a tradesperson before they start working?' The ball rolls and we are back in action. George Pig picks it up in midfield and plays it forward with purpose. The tempo has shifted. You can feel it.

The referee's earpiece is buzzing, VAR has spotted something. Hearts are in mouths. The video shows a much worse offence, Lil Dicky is sent off by VAR! Red card for Lil Dicky! He's pushed the opponent in the face with an open hand. Madness! Lil Dicky pretends to strike and lays it off to Kanye West, well worked short free kick.

Short restart from the entrepreneur to CaseOh, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. The digital transformation consultant intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one.

Short free kick played by Sean Combs, George Pig receives at the edge of the box after the one-two. George Pig crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and CaseOh is there to meet it. Michael Jordan comes off his six-yard line and gathers with both hands. The keeper is the boss of his zone.

What a disaster! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Stephen Hawking pulls off a skill you only see in futsal, an elastico in the box. That is top-drawer stuff. Stephen Hawking tries to power past but the defender stands firm and wins the ball. Foul by the student, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. George Pig plays the free kick as a cross, Lil Dicky finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown.

Huge tackle from Lamorne Morris! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. The movie actor/actress hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Sean Combs anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Wicked through ball from Sean Combs, the ball skims the grass and finds CaseOh who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Oh my word CaseOh fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze.

Michael Jordan throws it out quickly to Lamorne Morris, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Huge interception from Lamorne Morris! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Individual run from Stephen Hawking, he sets off from his own half, beats two men and finds himself one on one with the keeper. The university professor winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming.

1-1. Michael Jordan and CaseOh are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Michael Jordan. "Next time," replies CaseOh. And they vanish into the tunnel. Wayne from Luton says a minimum of four cups of tea and at least one biscuit before any tools come out. Wayne wins the plumber call-out! Tonight's programming highlight: 'SAS: Who Dares Wins, but it's set in an Ikea on a Bank Holiday weekend.' Navigate the showroom. Survive the car park. Build the furniture. No one passes.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-2 (L)

Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. Sean Combs sends a cannonball under the bar, the keeper is rooted to the spot!

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Sean Combs. Lil Dicky is on his knees clapping, Michael Jordan is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Oh it's gone in! Milano Piano-Piano find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Michael Jordan sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Michael Jordan, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

Stephen Hawking gives it to Darkseid into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Free kick conceded by Darkseid, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down.

Everyone is sprinting, even the subs are banging on the hoardings. What a STRIIIIKE from Lil Dicky! Arrowing towards goal, on target but the keeper produces an absolute worldie!

Kanye West hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Free kick to the opponents. Kanye West caught his man with a stray leg.

The gaffer changes everything. Formation, personnel, instructions. Michael Jordan gets shifted. Lamorne Morris drops deeper. "What we did in the first half never happened, right? We delete it, we burn it, we start fresh." The players listen in grim silence. The second half is a rescue mission now and everyone knows it. The entire squad confirmed that Michael Jordan has a secret Love Island group chat where the 63-year-old live-reacts to every recoupling. At 198, watching the big man cry over Casa Amor is apparently hilarious. And now, our TV game show The One Show Nobody Asked For! To win a cushion from a John Lewis display, text 5345 and answer: 'How many throw cushions is too many throw cushions on a sofa?' Right then, part two. Kanye West adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Kanye West dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. The rapper lays it off first time to Lil Dicky, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Overlap from the rapper with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Lil Dicky spreads it to Michael Jackson, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

Wall pass between the messiah and Sean Combs, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. The messiah pulls it back along the ground for Kanye West. The low cut-back is his trademark. Michael Jordan dives and repels the effort! World class stop, the crowd are on their feet. Tidy restart from Michael Jordan along the deck to George Pig, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. The student gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level.

GOAL! Milano Piano-Piano have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Knee slide from Michael Jordan right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Lamorne Morris does the same down the line. Michael Jordan turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Little shift from Lil Dicky to George Pig, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Nutmeg from George Pig on the defender, the humiliation is absolute. George Pig tries one dribble too many and gets the ball pinched by the defender. The military leader reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Enormous clearance from Darkseid inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Michael Jordan finds Jesus Christ with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Interception from Jesus Christ who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Jesus Christ. Short build-up from Jesus Christ to Kanye West, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. The rapper bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match. Kanye West looks up and swings in a floated cross, CaseOh rises among the defenders.

Sean Combs spots Jesus Christ in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Pass into no-man's land from Jesus Christ, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Textbook tackle from Sean Combs there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Sean Combs pings a ridiculous diagonal to Lamorne Morris. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Right-footed cross from Lamorne Morris, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Jesus Christ.

What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Stephen Hawking spreads the play and finds Jesus Christ in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin.

Painful afternoon. Darkseid and Lamorne Morris walk side by side toward the tunnel, neither saying a word. Their studs echo on the concrete. Somewhere behind them, Milano Piano-Piano's lot are singing. It carries down the corridor. Sounds get louder when you've lost. Brian from Coventry says anything above four cushions is an act of aggression against anyone trying to sit down. John Lewis cushion for Brian! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! The university professor executes a MAGNIFICENT lob! In that position, it is finesse and intelligence that make the difference, and that is exactly what we just saw. GOAL OF GENIUS!

Stephen Hawking climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Darkseid films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Short restart from the entrepreneur to Kanye West, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Kanye West triggers a change of flanks for Darkseid, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. The military leader lays it off first time to Lil Dicky, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Lil Dicky beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely.

Michael Jordan sends an absolute rocket towards Jesus Christ, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Wing switch from Jesus Christ, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Kanye West brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Careless distribution from Kanye West, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Massive clearance from the rapper under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

Kanye West boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Michael Jordan catapults the ball towards Sean Combs from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Sean Combs floats a ball towards George Pig but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Brilliant pass from Kanye West! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Darkseid is onto it. Effort from Darkseid, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Lil Dicky, you have barely touched the ball. Darkseid, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." A cracking detail — Sean Combs, standing at 180, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1515 and answer this question: 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Michael Jordan squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Iron defense, every ball cleared with authority. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Jesus Christ charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Good delivery from Jesus Christ off the left flank, Michael Jackson positions himself between the two centre-halves. Wasted cross from the philanthropist, it goes out for a throw. At this level, you expect better delivery from the crosses.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Kanye West floats it into the gap for Lamorne Morris, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Kanye West threads a ball into the void for Stephen Hawking, the timing is spot on, the space is enormous. Stephen Hawking delivers from the byline, Michael Jackson is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. Michael Jackson launches the ball with his head off the delivery from Lamorne Morris, it flies wide. Agonising.

GOAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Michael Jordan does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Darkseid launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Michael Jordan arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Massive clearance from the movie actor/actress under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. The movie actor/actress is beaten in the air, the attacker got higher. Losing an aerial duel like that in his position puts the whole team in danger. OHHH the header from the student goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision. CaseOh lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war.

GOAAAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Almighty boot from Kanye West who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. The opponent is bundled over by Sean Combs. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Short free kick, Sean Combs gives it to Lil Dicky who finds himself with space to work with. Lil Dicky fires wide, not far from the post though!

Lost it. Sean Combs kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Lamorne Morris hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which decade was the gravy boat officially classified as a vessel?'. The answer was of course the 1960s, when the Royal Navy briefly commissioned HMS Brown Sauce. Norman wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Right then, off to bed with you! Coming up next: 'Bargain Hunt: Car Boot Edition — can Dave from Stoke flog a broken toaster for more than 50p?' Gripping.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-2 (L)

PENALTY for Lil Dicky! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. The rapper hits the post on the penalty! In that position, that bad luck is BRUTAL, but you have to keep your head up and carry on. CaseOh read the trajectory of the cross from Stephen Hawking perfectly! Tap-in from 4 yards, the keeper had no chance. GOAL!

Body feint from Lil Dicky, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker. PENALTY! The defender brings Lil Dicky down in the box with a CLUMSY tackle! The referee blows immediately. The match could pivot on this very MOMENT! SAVED! The keeper dives to his right and pushes away Lil Dicky's penalty! What a stop! Massive clearance from Darkseid in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Michael Jordan finds the TV camera and kisses it like a long-lost love. CaseOh plays the jealous partner alongside. The live broadcast lingers for eight solid seconds, the commentators crying with laughter. The memes are already circulating before kickoff resumes.

Michael Jackson feeds Kanye West in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Kanye West tries to pick out Stephen Hawking on the flank but the pass is straight at a defender. Missed. Lamorne Morris reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Quick one-two between Lamorne Morris and Sean Combs, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Sean Combs rolls it to Jesus Christ, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

CaseOh finds Lil Dicky between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Lil Dicky spreads it to CaseOh, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. CaseOh opens up the space for Lamorne Morris with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. Darkseid launches a long ball for Lamorne Morris, but he's well offside. Defence did well.

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Lil Dicky's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Lil Dicky takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. Lil Dicky is reportedly banned from a laser tag centre in Milton Keynes after taking it 'way too seriously' during a teammate's birthday. The 38-year-old allegedly slide-tackled a twelve-year-old. And now, our TV game show Bargain Blitz! To win a lifetime supply of Marmite, text 0800TOAST and answer: 'How many jars of Marmite does it take to fill the Channel Tunnel?' Out they come. Sean Combs has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

The philanthropist finds Darkseid along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over. Diagonal from Michael Jackson to Jesus Christ, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

Lovely anticipation from the movie actor/actress who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. The movie actor/actress cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Jesus Christ. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat.

Kanye West throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted.

Kanye West finds Stephen Hawking between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Stephen Hawking sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. George Pig is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. George Pig pulls the trigger and it's an absolute shambles. Goes right, very very right.

GOAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Michael Jordan rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Lamorne Morris jumps on his back, Michael Jordan is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Inch-perfect tackle by Darkseid, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Good ball from the military leader to Kanye West, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Kanye West to Sean Combs, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Sean Combs puts the ball right into the mixer, Lil Dicky arrives in the middle of the defensive cluster. The rapper sees his cross deflected behind for a corner. It happens, but you have got to keep delivering from that side.

Great vision from Darkseid who switches to Sean Combs. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Sean Combs looks for Stephen Hawking but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in. Lil Dicky nicks a crucial ball off the defender, recovery twenty-five yards from goal. The opposition defence is in a state of panic. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. Shot from the philanthropist, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close.

That's that, then. Michael Jackson trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Lamorne Morris hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. Mrs. Brenda Thistlethwaite from Wolverhampton says forty-seven thousand, and frankly we couldn't be bothered to check, so she wins the Marmite! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-2 (L)

Complete suffocation, the opposition can't get past the halfway line. High recovery from Lil Dicky! He hounded the defender until he cracked. The pressing pays off. GOOOOOAL! Lil Dicky lets his technique do the talking, he curls it on the pass from Jesus Christ and the ball nestles in the corner!

This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Sean Combs links up with Lamorne Morris, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The philanthropist lays it off first time to CaseOh, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The digital transformation consultant finds Darkseid in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. The military leader bends the ball into the box for Kanye West. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. Kanye West delivers the corner and it's CHAOS in there! A defender hooks it off the line!

Through ball from the messiah for Kanye West, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Kanye West strays offside on CaseOh's ball. A metre ahead of the last defender at least. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Good ball from Darkseid to George Pig, playing it quick between the lines.

The team is resisting with real discipline, no cracks in the shape. WHAT A FINGERTIP SAVE from Michael Jordan! The ball was heading top bins, he flicked it away! Long ball from Michael Jordan for George Pig who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Michael Jordan's eyes are bloodshot. CaseOh looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." George Pig has worn the same pair of lucky pants for every match since 2021. At 28, the 180-tall star insists they've been washed but teammates remain unconvinced, describing the aroma as 'motivational.' And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0898 and answer this question: 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?' Out they come. George Pig has changed {his} boots at the break and is already pinging the ball around to get a feel. Business time.

Oh no, London Three-Pints have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Key pass from Stephen Hawking! It fizzes between the lines and CaseOh collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. CaseOh tries his luck, it's ON TARGEEEET but the keeper dives full stretch and pulls off a worldie! The digital transformation consultant puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs.

Michael Jackson finds the gap and serves Lamorne Morris in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Heroic rush from the entrepreneur! When your keeper comes out at the feet like that, you know you can defend high without trembling. Michael Jordan boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Lamorne Morris! Long ball that catches everyone off guard.

Clearance from the entrepreneur towards Sean Combs, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Sean Combs launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Darkseid, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Darkseid bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, George Pig wins the aerial battle.

George Pig launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. Sideways ball from Kanye West to Lamorne Morris, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Lamorne Morris attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious. Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break.

It was bound to happen. London Three-Pints score and honestly, we deserved that.

Michael Jordan stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Jesus Christ comes over and hugs him without a word.

Clearance from the entrepreneur towards Darkseid, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Switch from Darkseid! The ball arcs over the midfield and Michael Jackson collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Enormous leap from the philanthropist who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Michael Jackson clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Michael Jordan plays it along the ground to Lamorne Morris, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

A loss that will linger. Stephen Hawking drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. Sean Combs texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?'. The answer was of course Biscuitgrad, which only appears on maps printed during bank holidays. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.