My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | My Team | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but LeBron James is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 206 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. The chef's surprise of the evening is Jesus Christ. A messiah by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. Now we're talking real money. They're above the cap but being careful not to cross into luxury tax territory. They're using their trade exceptions and mid-level to plug the gaps. This is a playoff-caliber team: they've got the goods, a balanced roster, but they're always one big move short of landing a true superstar.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
87-112 (L)
This franchise cornerstone LeBron James gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, gets the separation but can't finish! Lack of consistency!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jesus Christ dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
LeBron James, this giant, fouls unnecessarily in the paint! Ego the size of Texas!
Jamal Crawford, this mountain of a man, carves up the defense for a buzzer-beater! Beautiful!
The players disappear. LeBron James has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Intel: LeBron James once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Jesus Christ drops the head after another miss! Limited stamina sapping the confidence!
Jamal Crawford, this big fella, wastes a golden chance with a wild scoop layup!
This franchise cornerstone LeBron James recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Hulk digs deep! Deep as a scientist digs into the hidden truth!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, trudges off the palace of hoops. Lessons to take from this one.
Stephen Curry avoids the cameras like the plague. Jamal Crawford gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
125-81 (W)
Stephen Curry, this big-name player, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Jesus Christ scores at will! An off-balance shot at half court! This absolute legend domination!
LeBron James fades away into the lane and kicks out! Silky smooth technique and great decision-making!
Jesus Christ goes baseline and scores! The game prepared them for this moment!
Jamal Crawford, this oversized freak, alters the shot! An off-the-charts basketball IQ at the rim!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! LeBron James walks head down toward the tunnel. Physio's confession: LeBron James purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Stephen Curry answers back with a scoop layup! Ridiculous creativity under pressure!
This well-respected player Jamal Crawford breaks the record margin! Historic blowout!
Jamal Crawford, this oversized freak, steps on the teammate's foot! Down goes this legit talent!
This seasoned vet Jamal Crawford holds the follow-through! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench after a two-handed slam!
Hulk can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Jesus Christ jumps into LeBron James's arms without warning. They both go down. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
108-87 (W)
The temple of basketball welcomes Hulk! The scientist with the hidden truth has arrived!
Hulk spins and fires a buzzer beater! This smooth operator lighting it up!
Stephen Curry digs in defensively! Pure God-given talent when the team needs stops!
LeBron James, this absolute legend, manipulates the defense and drops the dime! Ridiculous creativity!
Hulk with the perfect cut! Precision of a scientist with their lab notebook!
Break! Stephen Curry rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Did you know? Stephen Curry launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Jamal Crawford goes coast to coast for an off-balance shot! This player making noise is relentless!
A crowd fully behind them as Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, is introduced! Goosebumps!
Jamal Crawford, this league veteran, rotates on defense! Scary good handles team commitment!
The stadium knows it! Jamal Crawford is special! This respected competitor writing legacy!
Hulk wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their lab notebook and the leather!
Jamal Crawford makes the phone sign toward the opposing bench. Stephen Curry makes the 'call us' gesture. Behind the scenes, I learned Stephen Curry was also a messiah in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
118-105 (W)
Jesus Christ sets the tone early! The messiah came to play tonight!
An alley-oop from Jamal Crawford! This league veteran just keeps delivering!
LeBron James a perfect contest at the critical moment! Unreal swagger right on cue!
Jesus Christ with the bounce pass! The pill bouncing with precision worthy of their bare hands!
Hulk, this hall-of-fame lock, manipulates the defense with the eyes! An unmatched feel for the game!
Halftime. Stephen Curry wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Confession: Stephen Curry calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Jamal Crawford with another tear drop! You can't stop this man!
Jesus Christ in a sold-out gym on fire! This generational talent has been waiting for this stage!
Hulk plugs the gap! Plugging holes with scientist efficiency!
Jesus Christ, the messiah from the day shift, is writing their story on the hardwood tonight!
Jamal Crawford, this legit talent, with the post-game interview smile! Scary good handles all night!
Jamal Crawford runs the full court high-fiving everyone. Hulk follows doing the wave alone. I got a text from Jamal Crawford after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
108-97 (W)
Stephen Curry opens with a step-back three! This established star making an early statement!
Hulk hits on the final possession! Clutch like a scientist meeting a deadline!
Hulk picks the pocket of the ball handler! Straight robbery!
Stephen Curry threads the needle! Beautiful assist under the basket! Unreal court vision!
LeBron James dribbles to the right spot! A killer instinct off-ball movement!
That's a wrap for now. LeBron James dives into the tunnel. Rumor has it LeBron James does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Jesus Christ, this generational talent, reads the play perfectly and delivers a reverse layup!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, gestures for more noise! The crowd goes nuts!
This basketball god LeBron James runs the Spalding patiently! Searching for the perfect shot!
Jesus Christ, this potential GOAT, has the crowd in the palm of the hand! Palpable tension!
LeBron James, this living legend, high-fives the bench! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench! Team effort!
Stephen Curry takes a bow for the crowd. Jesus Christ bows to Stephen Curry. The nobility of basketball. I learned backstage that Jesus Christ also does messiah on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
107-84 (W)
The game begins and Stephen Curry is ready! You can see natural-born leadership written all over his face!
Jesus Christ sinks it from way beyond the arc. A messiah never misses the game, and never misses the hoop!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, swats it into the third row! A drawn charge!
This certified GOAT candidate Hulk connects on the pick-and-roll! Assist for a finger roll!
LeBron James, this mountain of a man, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! A gym-rat work ethic!
Off to the locker room. Jamal Crawford has already drained two water bottles. Confession: Jamal Crawford tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
A layup! LeBron James cannot be stopped tonight! This all-time great is locked in!
Stephen Curry, this smooth operator, commands an electric crowd! The arena belongs to this jersey-selling name!
Hulk brings energy off the bench! This generational talent infectious enthusiasm!
Remember this moment! Stephen Curry is making history with a finger roll!
Hulk daps up the opposition! Class act, on and off the court!
LeBron James and Jesus Christ slap each other's butts. Hulk declines the invitation. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
122-93 (W)
LeBron James, this beanpole, takes the court! The hostile crowd is electric!
Hulk scores off the inbound! That's the preparation of a scientist right there!
Stephen Curry slides the feet perfectly and forces a miss! That dawg mentality in every step!
Hulk fades away and dishes! Gorgeous feed from the left corner! Freakish explosiveness!
LeBron James rises up with purpose every possession! This basketball god chess master!
Halftime. Hulk throws his towel on the floor walking in. Rumor has it Hulk tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, glides at half court for a silky fadeaway jumper!
Standing room only! A Finals-like atmosphere as LeBron James takes over on the low block!
Hulk celebrates the teammate's bucket! Joy of a scientist seeing the hidden truth succeed!
Stephen Curry, this elite player, answers every challenge! Natural-born leadership never fading!
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry walks off to a standing ovation! An incredible energy! Incredible!
Jesus Christ hits a dab in 2026. Jamal Crawford does an ironic dab. Hulk has no idea what that is. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
108-113 (L)
LeBron James launches into position! This guy with rings on every finger not wasting any time!
A two-handed slam from Hulk! Another dagger! This hall-of-fame lock closing the door!
Jesus Christ lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this guy with rings on every finger fooled!
This All-Star caliber talent Stephen Curry shanks a hook shot back to the basket! That's uncharacteristic!
Jamal Crawford, this absolute unit, blocks the shot and starts the break! Comeback!
Both teams head in. Hulk has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. I've been told Hulk always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
This dude putting the league on notice Jamal Crawford misses the free throws! Shaky emotions under pressure at the line!
Jamal Crawford slams the pill in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
This franchise guy Stephen Curry has that look in the eyes! Watch out! Silky smooth technique!
Jamal Crawford can't hit the go-ahead! Limited stamina when the lights are brightest!
Jesus Christ hangs their head! A messiah who gave everything they had!
Jesus Christ hurls his water bottle at the wall. LeBron James flinches but doesn't react. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
98-109 (L)
Jesus Christ huddles with the team! Huddling up, the messiah strategizes!
Air ball from Jesus Christ! Being a messiah doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Stolen from Jesus Christ! A messiah who let it slip through their fingers!
Jamal Crawford, this giant, gets exploited in the switch! Limited stamina exposed in the mismatch!
Hulk strings together a scoop layup from the right corner. Eyes in the back of the head on full display!
Break! Jesus Christ heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Juicy intel: Jesus Christ turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Jesus Christ slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a messiah hits the workbench!
LeBron James, this beanpole, can't get a finger roll to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Jesus Christ sets up the play three passes ahead! Three moves ahead, like a messiah at work!
Stephen Curry, this world-class player, is dragging! The four quarters minutes taking their toll!
Hulk explodes past the media. This undisputed superstar not in the mood to talk.
Hulk unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Jamal Crawford runs a hand down his face. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
92-128 (L)
Hulk steps onto the palace of hoops! From discoverring the hidden truth to this, game time!
This name that's buzzing Jamal Crawford throws up a prayer back to the basket! Not answered!
Jesus Christ attacks into a trap! Limited stamina when reading the defense!
Jamal Crawford bites on the pump fake! This name that's buzzing sent flying off the pick and roll!
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry hangs the head after the miss! Deflated on the low block!
Well-deserved break. Jesus Christ looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Quick anecdote about Jesus Christ: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Jesus Christ short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their bare hands!
This well-respected player Jamal Crawford is a warrior but the body says no! The four quarters of war!
LeBron James, this long boy, fumbles the entry pass from the right corner!
LeBron James gets a technical for complaining! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
LeBron James walks off in silence. This franchise cornerstone gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Jamal Crawford lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Jesus Christ decides not to comment. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
89-107 (L)
This top-tier talent Stephen Curry means business! Fast start facing the rim!
Jamal Crawford fires a sky hook at the top of the key but can't connect! Hot head showing!
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry loses concentration and the leather with it!
LeBron James, this big fella, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over ego the size of Texas!
Hulk spins and scores! Pivoting like they pivot with their lab notebook at work!
Rest time. Stephen Curry isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Did you know Stephen Curry started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Jamal Crawford mouths off and picks up a T! Heavy feet taking over!
Hulk forces up a deep three over the defense! Shaky emotions under pressure! Bad decision!
This household name Jesus Christ calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Hulk is gassed! This generational talent bent over at half court! Heavy feet catching up!
Hulk wipes a tear! A scientist who poured everything into the effort!
Jamal Crawford hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Stephen Curry keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
121-100 (W)
Tip-off! Jesus Christ gets us started! Let's go!
This absolute legend LeBron James goes to work from mid-range! A buzzer beater drops beautifully!
Jesus Christ with the weak-side block! Appearing from nowhere like a messiah finding the game!
This franchise cornerstone LeBron James turns the corner and finds the open man! Unselfish!
Jesus Christ outsmarts the opponent! The brains of a messiah with their bare hands!
Finally a breather. LeBron James has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Anecdote: LeBron James lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Stephen Curry with an unmatched feel for the game finds the angle for a double-clutch layup!
LeBron James, this basketball god, feeds off every decibel! A Playoff atmosphere is fuel!
This world-class player Stephen Curry motivates the squad in the huddle! Natural leader!
This is the Jesus Christ game! This living legend taking over in the second half!
LeBron James, this mountain of a man, celebrates the win! A salute to the fans! What a game!
Hulk and Jamal Crawford chest bump so hard they each fly back three meters. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
93-107 (L)
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, announced to huge cheers! An electric crowd!
Jamal Crawford with a wild attempt! This seasoned vet not finding the range tonight!
This player on the come-up Jamal Crawford with turnover number lengths ahead! Tendency to force bad shots is piling up!
Hulk can't stay in front! Discoverring the hidden truth doesn't build lateral quickness!
Hulk converts with authority! Same energy they bring to discoverring the hidden truth!
Break. Hulk collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Juicy intel: Hulk turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
This franchise cornerstone Jesus Christ stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Jesus Christ sends it wide! Their bare hands wouldn't forgive that either!
Stephen Curry blows past the ball out of the trap! Nerves of steel under pressure!
Jesus Christ bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a messiah after their bare hands overtime!
Jamal Crawford, this legit talent, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
LeBron James refuses the coach's embrace. Jamal Crawford accepts it but his body is stiff. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
85-129 (L)
Stephen Curry, this world-class player, embraces the crowd fully behind them! Game on!
Hulk misses the free throw! Discoverring the hidden truth under pressure is easier!
Jesus Christ double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
LeBron James gets posted up and scored on! This basketball god overpowered!
This well-respected player Jamal Crawford throws an elbow in frustration! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
End of the first half. Jesus Christ is beet red but still standing. Intel: Jesus Christ refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
This reliable star Stephen Curry muscles up a step-back three but can't get it to fall!
Hulk can barely run! The contest harder than the contest of discoverring the hidden truth!
Jamal Crawford, this mountain of a man, gets stripped back to the basket! Hot head exposed!
Jesus Christ argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
This absolute legend LeBron James shakes hands and moves on. In the end, lack of consistency proved costly.
Hulk sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Stephen Curry winces. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
111-110 (W)
Hulk locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a scientist who means business!
Jesus Christ covers acres of the gym! The endurance of a messiah on a double shift!
This living legend Jesus Christ with a rare miss from the left corner! Even the best stumble!
Hulk with a reverse layup to seal the deal! A scientist who always closes!
Hulk reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this scientist!
The players head in. LeBron James slips on the wet tunnel floor. Fun fact: LeBron James got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Hulk, this versatile guy, battles through contact for a bucket! Will not be denied!
Hulk shuts down the lane! Closed for business, like a scientist closing the hidden truth!
The crowd is on its feet! A cathedral silence as Jamal Crawford takes the court!
Hulk with the go-ahead free throw! This living legend seizes the moment!
Stephen Curry walks off the court victorious! This All-Star caliber talent owns this moment!
Hulk and LeBron James freestyle a victory rap. Jesus Christ does the beatbox. It's terrible but magnificent. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
My Team ends the season #9 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: LeBron James.
Season journal
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