My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

78-123 (L)

Harry Potter slides the hip out a full foot before contact. The official saw it, the arena saw it, everybody saw it.

Coach spent a timeout on a play for the athlete and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

Usain Bolt finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Ariana Grande photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

Somebody explain how the songwriter reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Harry Potter hands it off to Lionel Messi, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. The big man never even contested it, and Harry Potter still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Clean feed from Lionel Messi, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Full stop, full sprint, and the songwriter is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Clang. Ariana Grande wants that one back.

Halftime! Harry Potter checks his stats on the board and winces. Did you know? Harry Potter has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! To win a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash, text HOOPS to 555-0804 and answer this question: 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Ariana Grande flies at a jump shooter thirty feet from the rim and lands on his hip. Three shots coming.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Hustle does not check your job title: the songwriter tips it away and the possession is ours. Off the day job and straight into the open floor: the athlete runs the break like he does this for a living. He does not.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The longer they stay at that monitor, the louder this place gets, and Lionel Messi is refusing to look at the big screen. That is a HUGE possession. Lionel Messi keeps the ball with this thing hanging by a thread.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The songwriter turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Blocked into the floor. Ariana Grande will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Lionel Messi passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Lionel Messi rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Total control. Ariana Grande has this thing on a string. OHHHH the separation! Harry Potter just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. That is what heavy minutes do, Harry Potter has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Harry Potter sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Ariana Grande has her head in her hands. And here is the answer to our game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! Ricky Don Sturgill of Sassafras Bottom, Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' The answer was of course that the scarf lobby got to the rules committee in 1954. Ricky Don therefore wins a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash! Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

102-123 (L)

The athlete takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Lionel Messi threads a BEAUTY to Usain Bolt under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Usain Bolt makes it every single trip down the floor. The scientist just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Ball into Hulk at the elbow, Ariana Grande plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. BAAAANG! Ariana Grande from the logo, and the entire bench is on its feet losing its mind!

Usain Bolt gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Ariana Grande saw it a beat early. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the athlete made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the athlete, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The athlete just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? The scientist just traveled so obviously the referee did not even need a second look. Stick to the day job, my guy.

Cut! Halftime. Ariana Grande's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Exclusive info: Ariana Grande is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Smell! To win a barbecue apron that reads KISS THE FORKLIFT OPERATOR, text HOOPS to 555-0357 and answer this question: 'Which is heavier, a pound of orange slices or a pound of team spirit?' We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Court vision like that on the athlete is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. No touch. Hulk left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

Dagger from Miami Heart-Attack. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The athlete just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Shot clock at one, and Ariana Grande just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

More second chance points for Miami Heart-Attack, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Both coaches are up off the bench pleading while the officials walk the Harry Potter sequence back frame by frame. Off the defender! Ball back to Harry Potter!

STOP AND GO! Ariana Grande hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. The songwriter had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

The songwriter just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Ariana Grande is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

GET THAT OUTTA HERE! Harry Potter meets that jumper at the top of its flight and spikes it into the sideline. That outlet from Harry Potter is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. Lionel Messi rose straight over the top of him, and one.

Lionel Messi sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Miami Heart-Attack bench does not find it funny. Hulk pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Ariana Grande whispers 'this can't be real' under her breath. Lionel Messi nods without conviction. And here is the answer to our game Name That Smell! Odell Trippett of Broke Axle, Alaska, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Which is heavier, a pound of orange slices or a pound of team spirit?' The answer was of course the orange slices, and it is not close. Odell takes home a barbecue apron that reads KISS THE FORKLIFT OPERATOR! I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

73-118 (L)

Over the top of everybody. Usain Bolt to Lionel Messi in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. GONE down the baseline! Lionel Messi beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Fifth possession this half where Lionel Messi has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Watch the spacing there, Ariana Grande hits Lionel Messi right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The association football player runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Usain Bolt put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The songwriter out here on the deck fighting for loose balls. Nobody pays him for that, and he could not care less. The songwriter just threw an outlet that traveled farther than most people commute. Absurd. That is body control you simply cannot coach: Usain Bolt stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Usain Bolt lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. Ariana Grande drags Usain Bolt away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Push the pace! Ariana Grande grabs it and hits Harry Potter in stride before the defense can even match up. A full spin move through traffic from the quidditch player! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Oh my. Harry Potter did not even draw iron.

Time to breathe. Usain Bolt has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Did you know Usain Bolt plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares Off! To win a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards, text HOOPS to 555-0431 and answer this question: 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Orlando Magic-Beans with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Third reach charged to Hulk. At some point the officials stop giving you the benefit of the doubt, and that point was two whistles ago.

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Beautiful pass by Lionel Messi. Wrong jersey.

No hero ball here: Usain Bolt takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Hard drive, hard stop, and Lionel Messi retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Rises, releases, and Lionel Messi sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

The songwriter is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Off the pin-down comes the athlete with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Usain Bolt!

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The association football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Here comes Usain Bolt sprinting off the elbow. Harry Potter slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. The athlete just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Ariana Grande walk away from it.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Ariana Grande roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Dagger from Orlando Magic-Beans. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Baseline wide open. Lionel Messi said thank you. Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, Lionel Messi panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

Usain Bolt and Lionel Messi walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. And here is the answer to our game show Hollywood Squares Off! Harlan Prewitt of Muddy Boot, Mississippi, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' The answer was of course that they are showing off for the ceiling. Harlan therefore wins a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards! Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

86-121 (L)

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Swing, swing, and Lionel Messi finds Ariana Grande on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Ariana Grande, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. OHHHH that is SILKY! Ariana Grande with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The association football player just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Getting to his spot and elevating, Lionel Messi puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Rest time. Harry Potter isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Fun fact: Harry Potter failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. And now, our halftime TV game show Press Your Luck, Buddy! To win a metal detector that only ever finds bottle caps, text HOOPS to 555-0451 and answer this question: 'Who was the first person in recorded history to yell defense at a wedding?' The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the athlete, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. A single dribble is all Ariana Grande needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Two points left on the floor by Ariana Grande, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Ariana Grande has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Usain Bolt precisely where the play wanted it. OHHHH the pocket pass! Usain Bolt splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Ariana Grande goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Lionel Messi pump fakes, gets the defender airborne, and walks right into his chest. Free throws. The association football player just airballed a FREE THROW, and somewhere a group chat has already saved that clip forever.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Usain Bolt was at the other free throw line when that break started! Rebound, look, gone. Usain Bolt to Lionel Messi and this is a footrace now. Lionel Messi converts on the break again, and that defense has now been beaten down the floor three straight trips. Somebody better call timeout.

Lionel Messi does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Hulk that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Second charge drawn by Usain Bolt tonight, and that big fella is going to think twice before lowering a shoulder again.

Thrilling stuff in the closing minutes. Harry Potter watches from the bench while the deep reserves audition for minutes nobody will remember.

Ariana Grande gives it up to Usain Bolt on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. Usain Bolt had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

The quidditch player is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. Freeze it right there: leather glued to the fingers of Harry Potter, horn already screaming. No basket.

Usain Bolt has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Lionel Messi has aged ten years in forty minutes. And here is the answer to our game Press Your Luck, Buddy! Vergie Cornsilk of Hominy Bend, Arkansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Who was the first person in recorded history to yell defense at a wedding?' The answer was of course an uncle, and he has not been invited back since. Vergie takes home a metal detector that only ever finds bottle caps! Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

84-129 (L)

SKIP PASS! Usain Bolt fires it cross court to Hulk and the defense is dead in the water! Give and go! Hulk gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Watch the feet on Hulk there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

Free throw coming the other way and the coach is STILL talking. Ariana Grande finally gets him seated, and this building is ROARING.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Hesitate, GO. Lionel Messi is by that hip before the man even blinks. Rising into two defenders, Lionel Messi launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The players head in. Hulk slips on the wet tunnel floor. Rumor has it Hulk does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares Off! To win a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards, text HOOPS to 555-0431 and answer this question: 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Usain Bolt. Somewhere there is a coaching video being edited right now, and the athlete is the star of it. Three steps and a prayer.

Lionel Messi stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the association football player! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Ariana Grande controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Usain Bolt comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! In, around, and gone. The iron gives Usain Bolt nothing.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Cross court, on a rope, from the association football player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Baseline spin from Usain Bolt at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. OHHHH the POWER! Usain Bolt took the hit and finished it anyway!

Ice in the veins: Usain Bolt taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Phoenix No-Defense, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Ball moves. Ariana Grande to Usain Bolt, on time and on target. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Usain Bolt punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Ariana Grande blows the wide open layup!

Cold blooded from Phoenix No-Defense, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Careless stuff from Harry Potter. That is a free trip to the line for a steal that was never happening. Third whistle on Harry Potter. He could argue the first two. This one he cannot.

Two decoy screens, a flare to the weak side, then Hulk coming off the second one. That is the whole thing. Out of the timeout, Hulk hits Lionel Messi right on schedule and it drops! Drawn up, run, done.

Lionel Messi freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Phoenix No-Defense coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

Harry Potter refuses Phoenix No-Defense's handshake. Hulk offers a limp one with just his fingertips. And here is the answer to our game show Hollywood Squares Off! Harlan Prewitt of Muddy Boot, Mississippi, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why do basketballs bounce higher when nobody is watching?' The answer was of course that they are showing off for the ceiling. Harlan therefore wins a punch card for a sandwich shop that stopped honoring punch cards! I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

88-132 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Los Angeles Nursing-Home with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Ariana Grande already has the defense a full step behind. Watch Harry Potter plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Hulk out of that corner in a blink. Missed layup for the scientist and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

POCKET PASS! Lionel Messi threads it to Harry Potter between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Nobody touched him, nobody trapped him, and Harry Potter still coughed it up. Easiest whistle these officials will blow all night.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Ariana Grande whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. That is a dime from Ariana Grande that deserved so much better, and Harry Potter knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Halftime. The physio pounces on Usain Bolt to massage his thighs. Rumor has it Usain Bolt talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Slightly Damp Prizes! To win a wind chime built entirely out of old belt buckles, text HOOPS to 555-0081 and answer this question: 'How long does a squeaky sneaker stay squeaky?' The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Ariana Grande splits the trap, then gives it all back by drifting over the line. A turnover with extra steps.

Screen, pop, SPLASH! Ariana Grande kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Whistle! Usain Bolt got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. This is exactly why the coach wants the ball in his hands late. Usain Bolt has been money at that line all season long.

BAAAANG! Ten straight for Harry Potter and this place is a volcano! Hulk buries it, turns to the crowd on the way back, and the other side immediately calls time. Dagger and a timeout in the same breath.

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Somebody explain the arc to the scientist. He gave away three shots on a prayer, and you can watch the coach age in real time.

Los Angeles Nursing-Home again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

OHHHH the pin-down! Ariana Grande pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Harry Potter. Brutal. From eight feet Ariana Grande puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the athlete, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Two guys on the exact same page, Hulk and Ariana Grande, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Hulk fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Timeout. Tablet out. And every line the coach draws starts with Ariana Grande. Look at the spacing here, two shooters lifting to drag the help, and that leaves Ariana Grande an easy read to Harry Potter in the pocket. Chess.

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Harry Potter watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

Usain Bolt pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Harry Potter takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Slightly Damp Prizes! Geraldine Sump of Grimy Elbow, Washington, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How long does a squeaky sneaker stay squeaky?' The answer was of course until the exact second somebody else listens for it. Geraldine takes home a wind chime built entirely out of old belt buckles! Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

80-112 (L)

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Lionel Messi makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Hulk probes the lane, cups the ball with two hands, then bounces it again. That is the violation they fix in third grade.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Lionel Messi sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Ariana Grande finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Baseline drive by Lionel Messi, he absorbs the hammer from the help defender, and the official is already pointing to the line. Two for two from the association football player, calm as a Tuesday afternoon. Whatever that job involves all day, it clearly builds very steady hands.

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, Lionel Messi tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

The box score will show nothing at all for the scientist, just a ruined shot and a shooter who will remember that wall all night. One hand, full court, Hulk hits Ariana Grande in stride and the crowd is already up. Reverse layup by Ariana Grande, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Ariana Grande throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Harry Potter grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Break. Lionel Messi collapses next to the vending machine. Did you know Lionel Messi plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Bologna! To win a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore, text HOOPS to 555-0204 and answer this question: 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.

The songwriter is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Ariana Grande just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Harry Potter half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the quidditch player! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Lionel Messi slips it to Ariana Grande right in the pocket. Surgical. DOUBLE DRIBBLE! Ariana Grande picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Lionel Messi never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! BANG is what Lionel Messi was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

OHHHH the hesi! Ariana Grande froze him solid and he is already gone! So close. Ariana Grande can only stare at the iron.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Ariana Grande did all the dirty work on that one. Gift wrapped by Ariana Grande, and Harry Potter cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Usain Bolt breaks a shell down. Court vision like that on the scientist is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Pull-up from the elbow by Usain Bolt, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Lionel Messi, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Bless him, Lionel Messi tried a move he has clearly only ever pulled off in an empty gym at midnight. Walk.

Ariana Grande sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Lionel Messi winces. And here is the answer to our game Bowling for Bologna! Faye Ellen Duckworth of Sweat Bee, Connecticut, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' The answer was of course two, and the rest are there for confidence. Faye Ellen takes home a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore! My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

85-130 (L)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Hulk wanted the contact so badly that he forgot the small detail where your feet have to be planted.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The athlete makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Harry Potter is gone, so Hulk earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Nobody drew up that arc. The quidditch player floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

The songwriter pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Hulk rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Players head to the locker room. Hulk has tape on three fingers. Fun fact: Hulk is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Rebound! To win a first place pepper jelly ribbon from the 1996 state fair, text HOOPS to 555-1327 and answer this question: 'What is the official color of the squeak sneaker makes on a wet floor?' Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Lionel Messi has known that all night long. OHHHH that is filthy! Harry Potter on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Usain Bolt hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Usain Bolt climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Harry Potter refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Hulk is on the floor pointing at his own forearm, the coach is halfway to midcourt, and the officials have heard plenty.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The association football player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. You could hear the whole building groan, and Harry Potter knew it the second the ball left his fingers, already jogging back on defense.

Lionel Messi kicks it over to Harry Potter, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Harry Potter tries to force it through two bodies and finds nothing but the defender's hands.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Minnesota Ice-Wall with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Whistles. Monitor. And Lionel Messi standing frozen at midcourt. Call on the floor is overturned, that bench got its challenge right, and Lionel Messi steps out to inbound from the wing.

Cross court, on a rope, from the athlete. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Ariana Grande eats the contact so Lionel Messi can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. The association football player gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Usain Bolt gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Usain Bolt went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second. The songwriter outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. Ariana Grande crashes the glass, snatches that miss out of the air and hammers it home. Onions!

Nothing but a nod. Ariana Grande jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Minnesota Ice-Wall bench looks personally insulted.

Ariana Grande pulls her cap down over her eyes. Hulk doesn't have a cap, and it shows. And here is the answer to our game show The Weakest Rebound! Earlene Tidwell of Gizzard Ridge, Tennessee, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the official color of the squeak sneaker makes on a wet floor?' The answer was of course a light mustard yellow, per the county Department of Squeaks. Earlene therefore wins a first place pepper jelly ribbon from the 1996 state fair! Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Ariana Grande's name. Forgive me. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

88-133 (L)

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

NOT A CHANCE! Harry Potter came flying at that pull-up and DELETED it!

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Second pass beats the rotation, Ariana Grande to Harry Potter, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. The quidditch player hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Ariana Grande drops it off to Harry Potter on time and on target. Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Harry Potter rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Not a hand on him. Harry Potter flat missed the bunny.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Ariana Grande walks head down toward the tunnel. Little scoop: Ariana Grande logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters at the Laundromat! To win a mannequin torso wearing a borrowed letterman jacket, text HOOPS to 555-0388 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of a chili at a firehouse cook-off?' The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Ariana Grande threw it before the help even committed. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Lionel Messi and Hulk just played basketball and the defense got shredded. The association football player tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Usain Bolt sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Ariana Grande lays it right on his hands in traffic! OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Usain Bolt missed that one with real conviction.

Laser from Ariana Grande, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. One hard step and Usain Bolt owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Usain Bolt had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Lionel Messi has all the room in the world. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Lionel Messi up there and returns it with interest.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Lionel Messi breaks a shell down. Dribble handoff from Usain Bolt, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Ariana Grande lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

GET THAT OUTTA HERE! Hulk says NOT in my house! The pass is the play here. Hulk never even puts the ball on the floor, he just throws it and lets the runners eat. Somebody check that job title again: the athlete hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The association football player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Watch the change of pace from Ariana Grande, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and Ariana Grande rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

Ariana Grande sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Lionel Messi winces. And here is the answer to our game Blockbusters at the Laundromat! Reba Mae Odom of Skillet Fork, California, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the boiling point of a chili at a firehouse cook-off?' The answer was of course slightly above the legal limit. Reba Mae takes home a mannequin torso wearing a borrowed letterman jacket! I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

85-130 (L)

Tip is UP and Harry Potter gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

The association football player just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Lionel Messi gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

Lionel Messi rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. Harry Potter plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

Watch the sell from Lionel Messi here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. That is the shot Lionel Messi wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Hands up, one stomp, a short speech, and the whistle answers. Technical foul on Usain Bolt, and the bench is stunned.

Halftime whistle. Ariana Grande flops into the first available chair. Did you know? Ariana Grande once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of a Pickup Truck! To win a bag of forty-two mismatched socks, all for the left foot, text HOOPS to 555-0173 and answer this question: 'What do you call a free throw that goes in after hitting the ceiling?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

Right through the window. Lionel Messi to Usain Bolt on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Two hands on the ball, then a fresh bounce. Somewhere a youth coach is watching the athlete and quietly turning off the TV.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Usain Bolt just did it by hitting Harry Potter on the back side with acres of room. Look how low Harry Potter keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Rising up out of the corner, Harry Potter sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Lionel Messi launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A scientist making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Prayer from Harry Potter. Not answered.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Give and go! Lionel Messi gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Drop step, jump hook, bucket! Lionel Messi is doing it the old way.

Lionel Messi steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

A chair knocked flat, an assistant coach holding somebody back by the jersey, that whole row completely unhinged. That is the Hulk effect. PICKED HIS POCKET! Ariana Grande jumps the passing lane and he is GONE the other way!

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on Lionel Messi. Waved off. Lionel Messi got the entire celebration in before the officials even reached the monitor.

Lionel Messi kicks his towel across the floor. Hulk has already left for the locker room, alone. And here is the answer to our game Cash Cab of a Pickup Truck! Harlan Spivey of Bent Fender, Montana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What do you call a free throw that goes in after hitting the ceiling?' The answer was of course a blessing, and the whole gym has to be re-blessed. Harlan takes home a bag of forty-two mismatched socks, all for the left foot! Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

80-124 (L)

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Ariana Grande walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. A cut with that timing from the association football player? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Lionel Messi is walking back with both hands on his head.

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Lionel Messi gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Ariana Grande treats every miss like it belongs to him. The songwriter just went up over everybody and put that miss back with two hands. That is a night he tells his grandkids about!

Ariana Grande sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The New York Over-Timers bench does not find it funny. Usain Bolt pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Set called, Usain Bolt waved out to the corner, and Ariana Grande watches the spacing open up like a front door. The athlete pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Perfect drop-off from Ariana Grande, and Usain Bolt answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Well-deserved break. Usain Bolt looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Did you know Usain Bolt once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. And now, our halftime TV game show Church Picnic Wipeout! To win an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached, text HOOPS to 555-0158 and answer this question: 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' Back at it! The players jog toward center court.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The songwriter reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Ariana Grande he is on the wrong end of it.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Ariana Grande, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Ariana Grande gets both toes behind the line and the contest arrives through his forearm. Here comes the gift.

Timed to the tenth of a second, thrown to a spot only one man in this gym can get to, and Harry Potter hammers it home like it is nothing.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Offensive foul on Usain Bolt. No bucket, no free throws, just a turnover.

That is a costly ten seconds for Lionel Messi. He lost the call, he lost his temper, and the other team gets a point without leaving the huddle. Composure is a skill, and Lionel Messi just flunked the test at the worst imaginable moment for his team.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Ariana Grande launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Hulk pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. A cruel spin-out for the scientist, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Harry Potter waits with both hands on top of his head. The officials come back out, cross their arms, and Harry Potter goes from hero to spectator on one signal.

Lionel Messi bites the inside of his cheek. Ariana Grande pinches the bridge of her nose. And here is the answer to our game Church Picnic Wipeout! Charlene Pigg of Hatchet Handle, North Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How much popcorn is in a large at the concession stand, honestly?' The answer was of course a medium and a rumor. Charlene takes home an above-ground pool ladder with no pool attached! My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

75-120 (L)

Harry Potter controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Lionel Messi does. The association football player launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The association football player just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! The songwriter took the contact, made the shot, and swished the bonus. Whatever he does on Monday, tonight he is a PROBLEM.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Rest time. Ariana Grande isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Physio's confession: Ariana Grande purrs when you massage her calves. Like a cat. A big cat. And now, our halftime TV game show Truth or Consequences of Turnovers! To win a doorbell that plays eleven seconds of a song nobody requested, text HOOPS to 555-0644 and answer this question: 'How many turnovers does it take to fill a standard laundry hamper?' There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

Ariana Grande holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Lionel Messi flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Oh, that is rough. Lionel Messi killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

Kick out to Usain Bolt, one more to Harry Potter, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. OHHHH! Harry Potter went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Nobody is touching the paint with the athlete parked in the middle of it. That is a full time defender doing a part time job, or the other way around. Fingertips! Lionel Messi gets just enough on it and the ball squirts loose.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Ariana Grande rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Off the back iron for Ariana Grande, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

Set called, Harry Potter waved out to the corner, and Ariana Grande watches the spacing open up like a front door. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Harry Potter spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! Up goes the shot from Harry Potter and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The athlete just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The quidditch player just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Harry Potter.

Harry Potter climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Hulk refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

SKIP PASS! Lionel Messi fires it cross court to Hulk and the defense is dead in the water! Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the scientist made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Hulk beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Ariana Grande replays the score in her head on a loop. Lionel Messi tries to think about something else. And here is the answer to our game show Truth or Consequences of Turnovers! Lorene Kirkpatrick of Broken Hoop, New Mexico, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many turnovers does it take to fill a standard laundry hamper?' The answer was of course nineteen, or four if they are the really big ones. Lorene therefore wins a doorbell that plays eleven seconds of a song nobody requested! Tonight I had a revelation: Lionel Messi runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

79-124 (L)

A association football player breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Lionel Messi catches on the wing, jab step, spin move, and that pivot foot comes clean off the hardwood. Traveling.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Textbook footwork, textbook release from Usain Bolt, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board. Another extra possession courtesy of the scientist, a man who evidently boxes out at work too. Some habits do not clock out. OHHHH he went and GOT that! Hulk with the putback jam over two bodies.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Hulk beats him to the spot, absorbs the hit, and the official is already pointing the other way.

Break! Hulk rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Anecdote of the day: Hulk forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. And now, our halftime TV game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! To win a garden gnome missing both arms, text HOOPS to 555-0712 and answer this question: 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Ariana Grande, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Count them with me: one step, two steps, and a third one nobody asked for. The official has seen enough of Ariana Grande.

Unsportsmanlike foul on the songwriter. Two shots and the ball back, a steep price for a man who came here on his day off.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

SKIP PASS! Usain Bolt fires it cross court to Ariana Grande and the defense is dead in the water! The beauty of it is that Ariana Grande never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. The quidditch player had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Laser from Ariana Grande, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. OHHHH the separation! Harry Potter just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Harry Potter launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, Ariana Grande drops it off perfectly for Usain Bolt diving to the rim. Wrapped up the arm on the gather, plain as day. Usain Bolt gets two, and the bench is already standing. Two shots, two makes. Usain Bolt does not flinch.

Usain Bolt hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Harry Potter shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Ariana Grande breaks a shell down. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Usain Bolt did all the dirty work on that one. Down, up, and gone for Ariana Grande. The rim is just toying with him now.

Not pretty, but this is arithmetic now. Harry Potter trades one foul for one more possession, and down five with a minute left, that math works.

Harry Potter mutters while walking out. Hulk watches from the corner of his eye, worried. And here is the answer to our game show Blockbusters the Video Store One! Travis Wayne Trundle of Hardtack, Indiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is louder, an air horn or a grandmother who disagrees with a call?' The answer was of course the grandmother, by a margin researchers declined to publish. Travis Wayne therefore wins a garden gnome missing both arms! Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

76-121 (L)

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Ariana Grande pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Ariana Grande drives the lane, wears a forearm across the chest, and still finishes it with the off hand. Count it AND the foul!

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Court vision like that on the association football player is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Two points left on the floor by Usain Bolt, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Ariana Grande breaks a shell down. That is vision. Harry Potter sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Not a hand on him. Ariana Grande flat missed the bunny.

Intermission. Lionel Messi dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Little secret: Lionel Messi listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And now, our halftime TV game show Lingo but Nobody Speaks! To win a hot tub cover with no hot tub anywhere near it, text HOOPS to 555-0241 and answer this question: 'How many times can you refold a road map before it turns against you?' Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.

From WAY downtown off the pop! Ariana Grande with the extra pass and CASH. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Hulk cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Reach-in on the songwriter. He tried to take the ball the way he takes everything else on the job, politely and with both hands. He stays out there with five, which tells you how much this coach trusts Ariana Grande and how little he trusts anybody else.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The songwriter makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Usain Bolt passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Buzzer on the shot clock, Usain Bolt heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Lionel Messi hands it off to Harry Potter, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. The association football player just double dribbled in front of a sold-out building. Nobody back at work is ever letting that one go.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Cross court, on a rope, from the athlete. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Hulk attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! The ball skips around the perimeter, Usain Bolt finds the open man on the weak side, and Hulk buries it.

Ten to nothing. Ariana Grande is COOKING and there is not one answer on that other bench.

OHHHH, what a read by Usain Bolt! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. AIRBALL! Hulk missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Hulk refuses the coach's embrace. Harry Potter accepts it but his body is stiff. And here is the answer to our game Lingo but Nobody Speaks! Clovis Whittenberg of Number Nine Curve, New York, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many times can you refold a road map before it turns against you?' The answer was of course three, after which you simply live with it open. Clovis takes home a hot tub cover with no hot tub anywhere near it! During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

76-120 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Clean feed from Usain Bolt, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. No roll this time. Harry Potter swings it right back to Ariana Grande above the break, and it is PURE. The songwriter just fired one in from the logo and the roof nearly came off this place. That is in nobody's job description.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Ariana Grande does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

This is the foul that gets your night cut short. Hulk has to contest with a high hand and land in his own space. Hulk is on a tightrope now, and every single piece of contact from here could be the last one he is allowed.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

First half is done. Harry Potter is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Anecdote: Harry Potter threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Slightly Damp Prizes! To win a wind chime built entirely out of old belt buckles, text HOOPS to 555-0081 and answer this question: 'How long does a squeaky sneaker stay squeaky?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

Body to body all the way to the rim and the arm goes up. That is on Lionel Messi, and this crew is not letting anything go tonight.

The athlete is going shot for shot with the best scorer on this floor and refusing to flinch. On a weeknight. After a full shift.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Court vision like that on the athlete is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. The songwriter gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Somebody explain how the songwriter reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. This is the counter: Harry Potter punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Usain Bolt fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Unselfish basketball. Usain Bolt passes up a good shot and hands Harry Potter a GREAT one. That is the kind of finish that changes a defense's body language, and Harry Potter has already done it twice this quarter.

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Harry Potter watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

That is a possession thrown away. Hulk watched the flight of the ball instead of finding a body, and it cost two.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Take fouls are a coaching decision, but never that one. Ariana Grande fouled in the open floor with nothing to protect, and the scoreboard is about to punish him for it.

Under review. Ariana Grande does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. The songwriter is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

Hulk takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Lionel Messi doesn't drink. Throat too tight. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Slightly Damp Prizes! Geraldine Sump of Grimy Elbow, Washington, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How long does a squeaky sneaker stay squeaky?' The answer was of course until the exact second somebody else listens for it. Geraldine takes home a wind chime built entirely out of old belt buckles! Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'