My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

77-122 (L)

Virgil van Dijk controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

That is the second personal charged to LeBron James and the bench is already staring at the clipboard. Foul trouble rewrites a rotation in a hurry. That is number THREE on LeBron James, and we have not even reached the half.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Over the top of everybody. Michael Jackson to LeBron James in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Textbook two-man game: LeBron James keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Godzilla rolls into an open runway. That is the shot Godzilla wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

The philanthropist just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. They do not teach that footwork anymore, and yet here is Michael Jackson running a full masterclass on the low block.

Players head to the locker room. Virgil van Dijk has tape on three fingers. Did you know Virgil van Dijk started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. And now, our halftime TV game show Press Your Luck, Buddy! To win a metal detector that only ever finds bottle caps, text HOOPS to 555-0451 and answer this question: 'Who was the first person in recorded history to yell defense at a wedding?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

OHHHH the pin-down! Michael Jackson pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with LeBron James. Brutal. The philanthropist had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

The military personnel makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Straight down the baseline goes the philanthropist! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Catch, rise, splash. The philanthropist owns the cleanest jumper on this floor and still has a shift to work in the morning.

Michael Jackson steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

A full spin move through traffic from the military personnel! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Somewhere an assistant coach is throwing a clipboard, because the military personnel baited that closeout from deep like a decade of film study went into it.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Michael Jackson makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Watch the feet on LeBron James there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Total control. Michael Jackson has this thing on a string. Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Julius Caesar, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Julius Caesar rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Foul to give, and Godzilla gives it. Clock stops.

LeBron James kicks his towel across the floor. Julius Caesar has already left for the locker room, alone. And here is the answer to our game Press Your Luck, Buddy! Vergie Cornsilk of Hominy Bend, Arkansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Who was the first person in recorded history to yell defense at a wedding?' The answer was of course an uncle, and he has not been invited back since. Vergie takes home a metal detector that only ever finds bottle caps! Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

90-121 (L)

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the military personnel made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Rim out for Julius Caesar, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

A single dribble is all LeBron James needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Oh, that is rough. LeBron James killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

Laser from Michael Jackson, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Godzilla comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! So close. Godzilla can only stare at the iron.

Cold blooded from Miami Heart-Attack, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Julius Caesar stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Blocked into the floor. Julius Caesar will be seeing that one in his sleep.

The locker room fills up. Godzilla has already eaten three oranges. Intel: Godzilla asked Miami Heart-Attack for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase But Everyone Is Walking! To win a milk crate full of cassette tapes with no labels, text HOOPS to 555-0853 and answer this question: 'What is the record for most consecutive high fives that missed?' The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.

Michael Jackson walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. The association football player turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. BAAAANG! Virgil van Dijk from the logo, and the entire bench is on its feet losing its mind!

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Michael Jackson breaks a shell down. One little shoulder dip from Godzilla and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. BRICK! Godzilla throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

A whole possession dies in the hands of the philanthropist without a single attempt going up. Back to the day job for a rethink.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Michael Jackson controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The player takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Godzilla takes two dribbles past halfcourt, rises from thirty five feet, and the net barely moves. Filthy.

Blowing smoke off two fingers like a gunslinger, Godzilla holsters them in his waistband. LeBron James plays dead on the baseline. The mascot joins the bit uninvited. A referee has to physically separate a celebration from an inbound play.

Godzilla gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because LeBron James saw it a beat early. Look how low Godzilla keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Godzilla lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

Hold everything, they are going to the replay on LeBron James, and this building has stopped breathing. The building went up, the building came right back down, and LeBron James is staring at a scoreboard that never moved.

LeBron James is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Virgil van Dijk waits at the tunnel entrance. And here is the answer to our game show The Chase But Everyone Is Walking! Otis Wagstaff of Empty Barrel, Nevada, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the record for most consecutive high fives that missed?' The answer was of course forty one, set at a rec league in 1998 and never approached since. Otis therefore wins a milk crate full of cassette tapes with no labels! I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

85-111 (L)

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Michael Jackson drops it off to Godzilla on time and on target. Two defenders, one gap, and Godzilla finds it. Onions on that pass. OHHHH the POWER! LeBron James took the hit and finished it anyway!

Punish the help, that is the rule, and LeBron James just did it by hitting Virgil van Dijk on the back side with acres of room. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Virgil van Dijk gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. A cruel spin-out for the association football player, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

LeBron James launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. You could hear the whole building groan, and Julius Caesar knew it the second the ball left his fingers, already jogging back on defense.

Turnover, layup, Orlando Magic-Beans straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

OHHHH NO! Godzilla took the legs out from under a man in mid-air and that is a FLAGRANT TWO!

Rest time. Virgil van Dijk isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Intel: Virgil van Dijk asked Orlando Magic-Beans for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show Truth or Consequences, New Mexico! To win a set of steak knives that cannot cut steak, text HOOPS to 555-0288 and answer this question: 'How many hours can a casserole sit on a church table before it becomes a hazard?' The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Orlando Magic-Beans, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

SKIP PASS! Julius Caesar fires it cross court to Michael Jackson and the defense is dead in the water! The philanthropist just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Long and gone. Michael Jackson floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Orlando Magic-Beans with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Julius Caesar has known that all night long. Off the pin-down comes the philanthropist with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. The philanthropist launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Michael Jackson already has the defense a full step behind. The big rolls, the defense collapses, and LeBron James punishes it with a read most guys never even see. Rising into two defenders, Virgil van Dijk launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Push the pace! Michael Jackson grabs it and hits Virgil van Dijk in stride before the defense can even match up. Screened, toasted, done. Virgil van Dijk is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Rises, releases, and Virgil van Dijk sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Michael Jackson, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Getting to his spot and elevating, Michael Jackson puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Nine seconds to work with, one play call, and it runs through Godzilla. When the game shrinks like this, you go to your guy. That is the third time out of a timeout tonight that Godzilla has gotten a look this clean. The whiteboard is undefeated.

Michael Jackson rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Virgil van Dijk picks up his own and folds it carefully. And here is the answer to our game Truth or Consequences, New Mexico! Idella Prather of Lonesome Water, Mississippi, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many hours can a casserole sit on a church table before it becomes a hazard?' The answer was of course two hours, or one if somebody brought mayonnaise. Idella takes home a set of steak knives that cannot cut steak! Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

84-114 (L)

The referee tosses it high and Virgil van Dijk rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and LeBron James threw it before the help even committed. Down screen, and Virgil van Dijk curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. POCKET PASS! Virgil van Dijk threads it to Julius Caesar between two bodies and the rim is wide open! You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about Julius Caesar.

Pointing up at the family section, Julius Caesar taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Watch the spacing there, Michael Jackson hits Virgil van Dijk right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Baseline wide open. Virgil van Dijk said thank you. Missed layup for the association football player and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Philadelphia Injury-Report in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Halftime whistle. Virgil van Dijk flops into the first available chair. True story: Virgil van Dijk had his parking spot stolen by Philadelphia Injury-Report's mascot. Still talks about it. And now, our halftime TV game show Big Brother-in-Law! To win a novelty license plate that spells HOTDOG incorrectly, text HOOPS to 555-0296 and answer this question: 'How many pockets can cargo shorts have before they legally become furniture?' Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.

ISO! LeBron James has him on an island and nobody is coming to save that man. Head down, no read, no plan. LeBron James bulldozes the help defender and gives away a possession for absolutely nothing.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Julius Caesar and Virgil van Dijk just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Straight back to the office for the military personnel, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The longer they stay at that monitor, the louder this place gets, and Julius Caesar is refusing to look at the big screen. The replay is clear: the last fingertip belonged to the defender, so possession comes back to Julius Caesar and his guys.

OHHHH the separation! Julius Caesar just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. Julius Caesar drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

Somebody get the player a rim protection bonus! Clocks out at five, guarding the paint by seven. This league is a wonderful place. Rebound, look, gone. Godzilla to LeBron James and this is a footrace now. Get that one framed. LeBron James took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the philanthropist, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Virgil van Dijk pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Third look from distance for Virgil van Dijk tonight and the arc keeps flattening out, tired legs writing checks the jumper cannot cash.

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Michael Jackson has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Godzilla precisely where the play wanted it. Here comes the slip from LeBron James, and Godzilla reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. LeBron James had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Godzilla closes his eyes walking out. LeBron James keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. And here is the answer to our game Big Brother-in-Law! Peggy Ann Hollifield of Sassafras Gap, South Carolina, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many pockets can cargo shorts have before they legally become furniture?' The answer was of course eleven, and at twelve you have to register them with the county. Peggy Ann takes home a novelty license plate that spells HOTDOG incorrectly! Tonight I had a revelation: LeBron James runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

81-124 (L)

Cold blooded from Phoenix No-Defense, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Set called, Julius Caesar waved out to the corner, and Michael Jackson watches the spacing open up like a front door. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Julius Caesar kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Oh my. LeBron James did not even draw iron.

Careless stuff from LeBron James. That is a free trip to the line for a steal that was never happening. Third whistle on LeBron James. He could argue the first two. This one he cannot.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

SKIP PASS! Michael Jackson fires it cross court to Godzilla and the defense is dead in the water! A cut with that timing from the player? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Gift wrapped by Virgil van Dijk, and Godzilla cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Halftime. Virgil van Dijk throws his towel on the floor walking in. Exclusive info: Virgil van Dijk is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Buckets! To win a tackle box packed solid with loose buttons, text HOOPS to 555-1112 and answer this question: 'How many buckets fit in a bucket if the buckets are points?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

Ball moves. Julius Caesar to Virgil van Dijk, on time and on target. The association football player just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Pull-up from the elbow by Virgil van Dijk, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Second pass beats the rotation, LeBron James to Virgil van Dijk, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. REJECTED! Virgil van Dijk takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

Here comes LeBron James sprinting off the elbow. Michael Jackson slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Wide open at the top of the key and LeBron James cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition. The shot is short, and Godzilla is the only man moving. He rips it out of the crowd and the possession lives. That is pure want-to: Godzilla was the only man on the floor who decided that rebound belonged to him.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Phoenix No-Defense with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Michael Jackson controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The defender crowded the middle, and Julius Caesar punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Deep. Deeper. GONE. Julius Caesar drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The association football player just wiped a layup off the face of the earth and stood over the wreckage! Whatever they teach at that day job, it is working.

Standing in the lane like the player is waiting on a bus that is never coming. Whistle blows, ball goes the other way.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Michael Jackson feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Michael Jackson is walking back with both hands on his head.

Julius Caesar refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Michael Jackson watches it and immediately regrets it. And here is the answer to our game show Bowling for Buckets! Tammy Lynn Housewright of Big Elbow, Washington, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many buckets fit in a bucket if the buckets are points?' The answer was of course two per bucket, three from way out, and one if somebody fouls you. Tammy Lynn therefore wins a tackle box packed solid with loose buttons! While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

74-119 (L)

Won it clean! Virgil van Dijk got up and over him with room to spare.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Michael Jackson turns and points at his teammates, and the entire bench comes up as one. Hands like that on the association football player? Whatever he does all day, by night he is robbing people blind.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Michael Jackson gives it up to LeBron James on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Way short from LeBron James off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Michael Jackson has now cleaned up four misses tonight. BAAAANG! Michael Jackson rips the offensive board and puts it right back through!

Nothing but a nod. Michael Jackson jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Los Angeles Nursing-Home bench looks personally insulted.

Halftime. LeBron James's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Juicy intel: LeBron James turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Ankle! To win a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska, text HOOPS to 555-0212 and answer this question: 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the military personnel made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Somewhere there is a coaching video being edited right now, and the military personnel is the star of it. Three steps and a prayer.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Michael Jackson pushes it in transition, pulls up from the elbow, cash. That is a 10-0 run and the visitors have not scored in three minutes. The opposing coach is off his seat waving both arms before the ball is even inbounded. Godzilla forced that.

Los Angeles Nursing-Home again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The military personnel puts a shoulder into the ball handler and pays for it. He spends all day being polite to strangers and now he is hacking people for a living. Julius Caesar throws his head back, because he knows exactly what it means. His minutes are somebody else's decision now.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Julius Caesar. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Julius Caesar is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Over the top of everybody. Michael Jackson to Julius Caesar in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Julius Caesar rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Julius Caesar!

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The philanthropist is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Watch the sell from Julius Caesar here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. The military personnel tried the teardrop and never got it to the rim. Turns out soft touch does not come standard with that day job.

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the player. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. Cut, screen, relocate, and there is Godzilla wide open in the corner. Nobody on that defense read one page of it.

LeBron James walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Virgil van Dijk speeds up. Wants it to be over. And here is the answer to our game The Weakest Ankle! Delbert Yoakum of Cold Biscuit, Missouri, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' The answer was of course fifteen, though eleven of those are purely spiritual. Delbert takes home a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska! I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

88-132 (L)

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Julius Caesar just gift wrapped three free throws on a heat check. Hands off, feet moving, no reaching. That is the entire instruction sheet for Julius Caesar the rest of the way.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and LeBron James gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the philanthropist, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Michael Jackson controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Watch the change of pace from LeBron James, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and LeBron James has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The players leave the court. Godzilla clings to the tunnel railing. Rumor has it Godzilla has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Seventy-Eight and a Half! To win a hand-crank ice cream maker missing the crank, text HOOPS to 555-0413 and answer this question: 'What is the average lifespan of an ink pen at a bank?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

The military personnel pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the military personnel! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

The military personnel just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Godzilla splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. That is the shot chart lying to you. Michael Jackson did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

OHHHH what a hustle play from Julius Caesar! He had no business getting a finger on that basketball. Rebound to fast break in one motion, courtesy of the military personnel. That is not a hobby, that is a skill set. A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Michael Jackson do that to one of their own.

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Michael Jackson keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

OHHHH the tension! Nobody is sitting, nobody is blinking, all of it rides on LeBron James. Won it at the monitor! LeBron James gets the rock back after that pile of bodies on the sideline.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Julius Caesar kicks it over to Michael Jackson, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Godzilla eats the contact so Michael Jackson can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Down, up, and gone for Michael Jackson. The rim is just toying with him now.

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Somebody explain how the philanthropist reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Julius Caesar just took a shoulder to the chest to buy LeBron James half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Textbook footwork, textbook release from LeBron James, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

The coach just drew up the biggest play of the night for the association football player, a sentence I did not expect to say out loud this evening. Julius Caesar delivers on the second option, Michael Jackson buries it, and the coach is already walking back to the bench like he knew. He did know.

Stone silence for one second, then Michael Jackson lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Godzilla answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

LeBron James isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Virgil van Dijk tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. And here is the answer to our game Match Game Seventy-Eight and a Half! Roscoe Tidwell of Frog Level, Alabama, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the average lifespan of an ink pen at a bank?' The answer was of course nine minutes, after which it goes home with a man named Gary. Roscoe takes home a hand-crank ice cream maker missing the crank! I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

74-118 (L)

Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A philanthropist making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Julius Caesar should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Julius Caesar threw it before the help even committed. Kick out to LeBron James, one more to Michael Jackson, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Awful shot by Michael Jackson with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The military personnel just got tossed for a flagrant two, and somewhere a shift supervisor is watching this on a break room TV in absolute horror.

Halftime whistle. Michael Jackson spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Quick anecdote about Michael Jackson: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. And now, our halftime TV game show To Tell the Truth-ish! To win a wall clock shaped like a rooster that crows at random, text HOOPS to 555-0330 and answer this question: 'What is the scientific name for the smell of a middle school gymnasium?' Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That is the third body Virgil van Dijk has turned away this quarter, and the entire lane is starting to think twice about coming in.

Swing, swing, and LeBron James finds Godzilla on the wing before the help can even turn its head. They do not teach that in the player handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Virgil van Dijk has it on a string tonight.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Julius Caesar put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! The military personnel just traveled so obviously the referee did not even need a second look. Stick to the day job, my guy.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Minnesota Ice-Wall with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

LeBron James guesses left, the ball handler goes right, and suddenly this is a two-on-one before anybody can rotate. That block was spectacular and completely illegal. Michael Jackson walks back to the huddle with his head down.

No hero ball here: Michael Jackson takes what the defense gives and moves it along. LeBron James comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Michael Jackson just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. OHHHHH FROM THE LOGO! Michael Jackson pulls up from another area code and it is PURE!

The noise climbs past whatever the building was engineered for, and Michael Jackson uses it to kneel down and retie a shoe that was already tied. Double knot, no hurry, eyes on the laces. Godzilla stands over him like a bodyguard while somewhere down there a coach calls a play into a hurricane and loses.

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

No block, no foul, just Virgil van Dijk being ENORMOUS in the lane, and that shot never had a chance.

The strategy of the desperate, executed to perfection by Virgil van Dijk. Foul, stop the clock, pray at the other end, repeat.

Godzilla's lip is trembling. Michael Jackson dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. And here is the answer to our game To Tell the Truth-ish! Merle Hackenbush of Muddy Boot, Illinois, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the scientific name for the smell of a middle school gymnasium?' The answer was of course nostalgia, with strong notes of floor wax. Merle takes home a wall clock shaped like a rooster that crows at random! I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

90-134 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Godzilla winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. Michael Jackson is glued to that ball handler and the panic is setting in fast. Hustle does not check your job title: the philanthropist tips it away and the possession is ours. Off the day job and straight into the open floor: the association football player runs the break like he does this for a living. He does not.

Down by the baseline, Virgil van Dijk points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Michael Jackson is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Houston Blast-Off coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and LeBron James makes it every single trip down the floor. Left, right, gone. Julius Caesar put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Somebody show the rest of the league what the military personnel just did on that block. Footwork straight out of 1987!

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Julius Caesar does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Michael Jackson puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

Houston Blast-Off again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Both teams head in. Godzilla has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Confession: Godzilla tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. And now, our halftime TV game show Wheel of Misfortune! To win a lifetime supply of expired coupons, text HOOPS to 555-0142 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Julius Caesar left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Julius Caesar up there and returns it with interest.

Screen, hesitation, delivery, LeBron James drops it off perfectly for Michael Jackson diving to the rim. Pull-up from the elbow by Michael Jackson, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jackson whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Perfect drop-off from Virgil van Dijk, and LeBron James answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Total control. Michael Jackson has this thing on a string. The defender planted his feet, and Godzilla said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. The player had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

The military personnel takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. The military personnel gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

LeBron James drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Missed layup for the association football player and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Clean feed from Michael Jackson, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Julius Caesar did all the dirty work on that one. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Virgil van Dijk, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Michael Jackson's gaze is cold, distant. LeBron James's gaze is hot, angry. And here is the answer to our game Wheel of Misfortune! Darlene Puckett of Lower Buttermilk, Kansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many hot dogs fit inside a regulation gym locker if you really commit?' The answer was of course four hundred and six, and the coach has never spoken of it since. Darlene takes home a lifetime supply of expired coupons! I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

88-132 (L)

Swing, swing, and LeBron James finds Godzilla on the wing before the help can even turn its head. That is vision. Godzilla sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Virgil van Dijk, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Two free throws and the ball for the other side, that is the price of a flagrant two, and Julius Caesar pays it from the tunnel.

Watch Michael Jackson plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring LeBron James out of that corner in a blink. In, around, and gone. The iron gives LeBron James nothing.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Time to breathe. LeBron James has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Did you know LeBron James once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. And now, our halftime TV game show Dancing with the Substitutes! To win a deep fryer with a note taped to it reading DO NOT USE INDOORS, text HOOPS to 555-0421 and answer this question: 'Who decides which sock goes missing in the dryer?' Back in action! The coach got the message across.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and LeBron James has known that all night long. Hesitate, GO. Julius Caesar is by that hip before the man even blinks. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the military personnel, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

LeBron James launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Down screen, and Michael Jackson curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Day job, then this: the philanthropist reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Two defenders in the lane, Julius Caesar splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Straight to the logo at center court, Julius Caesar plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Julius Caesar makes it every single trip down the floor. Right idea, no zip on it, and at this level LeBron James either puts some heat on that ball or he keeps it in his hands.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Michael Jackson drops it off to Godzilla on time and on target. The player pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Julius Caesar, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Second rejection of the quarter for Godzilla, and you can see the shooters hesitating on that wing already.

The philanthropist makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Baseline spin from LeBron James at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Watch the footwork from LeBron James: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Cold blooded from Denver Horse-Track, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Somebody explain how the philanthropist reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Beautiful footwork on that one from Virgil van Dijk, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. The association football player misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Godzilla hurls his water bottle at the wall. Virgil van Dijk flinches but doesn't react. And here is the answer to our game Dancing with the Substitutes! Ethelene Chumley of Cracker Barrel Bottom, Maryland, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Who decides which sock goes missing in the dryer?' The answer was of course a committee, and they meet on Tuesdays. Ethelene takes home a deep fryer with a note taped to it reading DO NOT USE INDOORS! Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

85-130 (L)

Shot is up, Virgil van Dijk loses the wrestling match on the block, and the ball comes down in enemy hands.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The philanthropist just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Nobody touched him, nobody trapped him, and Julius Caesar still coughed it up. Easiest whistle these officials will blow all night.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Julius Caesar gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Michael Jackson saw it a beat early. The extra pass! Julius Caesar had the look, gave it up anyway, and Virgil van Dijk buries it. BANG! No touch. Virgil van Dijk left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

Coach calls everyone back. Julius Caesar drags his feet toward the tunnel. They say Julius Caesar eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Winding Down! To win a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it, text HOOPS to 555-0509 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

The military personnel just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. OHHHH! Julius Caesar went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Michael Jackson already has the defense a full step behind. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Godzilla the moment he crosses half court. The player gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and LeBron James has known that all night long. Unselfish basketball. Virgil van Dijk passes up a good shot and hands Julius Caesar a GREAT one. The crowd has found its chant, and Julius Caesar is going to be hearing it all night.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Pressure the length of the floor, LeBron James splits one trap but not the second, and the eight count expires two feet short of halfcourt.

Over the top of everybody. Julius Caesar to Godzilla in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Full stop, full sprint, and the player is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. That is the kind of finish that changes a defense's body language, and Godzilla has already done it twice this quarter.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

A philanthropist breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Stepback three from the philanthropist, ice in his veins. You cannot teach that, and apparently you cannot keep it out of the workforce either.

Michael Jackson climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Godzilla refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

The military personnel makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Michael Jackson is gone, so Virgil van Dijk earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Long miss from the philanthropist and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

Virgil van Dijk mutters 'damn' under his breath. Godzilla says 'yeah' in the same tone. And here is the answer to our game show Match Game Winding Down! Georgette Blalock of Little Persimmon, North Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which came first, the backboard or the regret?' The answer was of course the regret, by about eleven minutes. Georgette therefore wins a souvenir shot glass from a state park with no water in it! On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

83-127 (L)

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Somebody explain how the philanthropist reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. The player turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Godzilla went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The philanthropist just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Bless him, Michael Jackson tried a move he has clearly only ever pulled off in an empty gym at midnight. Walk.

Virgil van Dijk gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Julius Caesar saw it a beat early. Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Virgil van Dijk slips it to Godzilla right in the pocket. Surgical. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Godzilla. Cruel.

First half is done. Godzilla is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Juicy anecdote: Godzilla was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. And now, our halftime TV game show The Big Spin Cycle! To win a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread, text HOOPS to 555-1057 and answer this question: 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! LeBron James never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. LeBron James had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

Timed to the tenth of a second, thrown to a spot only one man in this gym can get to, and LeBron James hammers it home like it is nothing.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, LeBron James never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Michael Jackson crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the philanthropist! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Swing, swing, and LeBron James finds Julius Caesar on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Court vision like that on the military personnel is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. That is what heavy minutes do, LeBron James has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Cleveland Twin-Towers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

No hero ball here: LeBron James takes what the defense gives and moves it along. A cut with that timing from the philanthropist? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed Michael Jackson would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

Michael Jackson plants himself in front of the Cleveland Twin-Towers bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Slap across the wrist, and the crew saw every bit of it. Godzilla pays for that one.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

OHHHH, what a read by Michael Jackson! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. Up goes the shot from LeBron James and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Virgil van Dijk and Julius Caesar share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. And here is the answer to our game show The Big Spin Cycle! Virgil Stanback of Buzzard Roost Landing, North Dakota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the resale value of a game worn wristband?' The answer was of course two dollars and a firm handshake. Virgil therefore wins a toaster that only toasts one side of the bread! During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

73-118 (L)

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Michael Jackson walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Godzilla pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Third one of these from Godzilla this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Julius Caesar makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Look at LeBron James mouthing an apology toward his own bench before the call is even announced. He knew instantly.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Halftime whistle! LeBron James slides down against the hallway wall. Small detail: LeBron James whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Lite! To win a scented candle that smells exactly like a bowling alley, text HOOPS to 555-0402 and answer this question: 'What is the wind speed inside a ceiling fan?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

Watch the spacing there, Michael Jackson hits Virgil van Dijk right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The association football player reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. AIRBALL! Virgil van Dijk missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

No roll this time. Michael Jackson swings it right back to LeBron James above the break, and it is PURE. LeBron James rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but LeBron James keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Baseline drive by LeBron James, he absorbs the hammer from the help defender, and the official is already pointing to the line. Boring is beautiful, and LeBron James is automatic from the stripe. That is how you close a game out.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Godzilla and an assistant coach who both want to hug LeBron James first. LeBron James lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Off the pin-down comes the philanthropist with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Two points left on the floor by Michael Jackson, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Over the top of everybody. Julius Caesar to Virgil van Dijk in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. OHHHH the hesi! Virgil van Dijk froze him solid and he is already gone! Prayer from Virgil van Dijk. Not answered.

Ejected for fighting, the military personnel. Tomorrow morning he goes right back to being the calmest person in the room, allegedly.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Michael Jackson controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. SPIN and GO! Godzilla pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Not a hand on him. Godzilla flat missed the bunny.

Unselfish basketball. Michael Jackson passes up a good shot and hands Julius Caesar a GREAT one. Watch the footwork there from Julius Caesar on the catch, squared up before the ball ever arrives. That is exactly why it goes down so clean.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Julius Caesar never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

Virgil van Dijk sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Godzilla has his head in his hands. And here is the answer to our game Fear Factor Lite! Alvin Kluck of Cheese Ridge, Minnesota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the wind speed inside a ceiling fan?' The answer was of course the same as outside it, only angrier. Alvin takes home a scented candle that smells exactly like a bowling alley! Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

79-123 (L)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for San Antonio Skyscrapers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Textbook two three with Godzilla manning the back line, and they have not seen a clean look in three trips. PICKED HIS POCKET! Michael Jackson jumps the passing lane and he is GONE the other way!

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

GONE down the baseline! LeBron James beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, LeBron James goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

End of the second quarter. Virgil van Dijk is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Exclusive: Virgil van Dijk was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show Legends of the Hidden Thermostat! To win a snow globe of a town that has never once had snow, text HOOPS to 555-0247 and answer this question: 'Which came first, the tailgate or the truck?' The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

The military personnel just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! You are about to see a coach put his entire face in both hands, and Julius Caesar has earned every second of that reaction.

Cross court, on a rope, from the military personnel. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. STOP AND GO! LeBron James hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. LeBron James probes to the right, pulls the string, and rises over a helpless closeout from twenty six feet. Splash.

Set called, Julius Caesar waved out to the corner, and Michael Jackson watches the spacing open up like a front door. BAAAANG! Julius Caesar sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for LeBron James, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Somebody explain how the philanthropist reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Screened, toasted, done. Godzilla is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Godzilla cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Michael Jackson controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Godzilla rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the player! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

One hard step and LeBron James owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. DOUBLE DRIBBLE! LeBron James picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Ice water where the rest of us keep blood: the philanthropist beats the buzzer and this arena comes UNGLUED. The philanthropist is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. Dagger upheld! Release from Michael Jackson was legal and that scoreboard is not changing.

Michael Jackson runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Nothing left to play for here. Godzilla plays out the string and the box score does the rest of the talking.

Julius Caesar taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Michael Jackson walks through the door without pushing it. And here is the answer to our game Legends of the Hidden Thermostat! Duane Grubbs of Sour Lake Flats, Louisiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Which came first, the tailgate or the truck?' The answer was of course the tailgate, and it waited nineteen years. Duane takes home a snow globe of a town that has never once had snow! I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

77-121 (L)

The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Michael Jackson, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. The philanthropist had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Cross court, on a rope, from the philanthropist. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Hard drive, hard stop, and LeBron James retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. From eight feet LeBron James puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The military personnel just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Julius Caesar he is on the wrong end of it.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Halftime. Virgil van Dijk wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Did you know Virgil van Dijk knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's colors. By accident, obviously. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares of Cheese! To win a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod, text HOOPS to 555-0134 and answer this question: 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.

That is a foot speed problem. Godzilla keeps grabbing instead of sliding, and in this league that gets your coach a miserable night. The player is a single whistle from disqualification and he is STILL sliding his feet into the paint. Courage or a very bad week at work.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Total control. Michael Jackson has this thing on a string. Michael Jackson just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Virgil van Dijk half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Virgil van Dijk.

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Virgil van Dijk watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: LeBron James passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. OHHHH what a FINISH from LeBron James! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Snatched his ankles, and Godzilla is still checking whether they are attached. The military personnel gets whistled for the swipe. Forty honest hours a week and here he is, picking pockets in front of twenty thousand witnesses.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Michael Jackson dribbles it out at the top of the key and never even looks at the basket.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Julius Caesar does. Clang. Julius Caesar wants that one back.

Back at the shop they have got this review up on every phone with the philanthropist in the frame, and nobody is getting any work done. The philanthropist is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

Godzilla stares at the floor while Virgil van Dijk mutters something inaudible under his breath. And here is the answer to our game Hollywood Squares of Cheese! Dwayne Pickle of Beaver Hollow, Pennsylvania, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' The answer was of course all of them, that is the entire business model. Dwayne takes home a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod! Evening confession: I'm wearing Godzilla's jersey under my shirt. For morale. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.