My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

90-135 (L)

Aristotle controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Not a hand on him. Katniss Everdeen flat missed the bunny. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Shams Charania has now cleaned up four misses tonight. The sports journalist just went up over everybody and put that miss back with two hands. That is a night he tells his grandkids about!

Shams Charania runs the baseline high-fiving every hand hanging over the rail, all the way to the corner and back. It takes forever. Play is waiting on him. Nobody in the building wants it to stop, including, visibly, the officials.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Onions from Hulk! He plants himself in front of a freight train and just wears the whole thing.

Full stop, full sprint, and the sports journalist is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Rip through, one dribble, contact. Shams Charania plays that little game better than anybody on this floor. This is exactly why the coach wants the ball in his hands late. Shams Charania has been money at that line all season long.

Halftime. Katniss Everdeen throws her towel on the floor walking in. Fun fact: Katniss Everdeen was voted best-looking player on the team. By her mom. In a poll she created herself. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game of Horseshoes! To win a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0313 and answer this question: 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Over the top of everybody. Katniss Everdeen to Saitama in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. The superhero just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Hulk beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Give and go! Shams Charania gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. Shams Charania had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

Watch the change of pace from Shams Charania, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Three free throws for the sports journalist! That is the single most expensive mistake in basketball, and a person with a real day job just engineered it.

This is the possession the entire scouting report warned about, and Katniss Everdeen is licking his chops. The hunter just flattened a man who had both feet planted. Charge, turnover, and a very quiet walk back on defense.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Watch the sell from Shams Charania here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. BRICK! Shams Charania throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A sports journalist making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Missed layup for the polymath and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Shams Charania presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Aristotle walks right past without noticing. And here is the answer to our game The Dating Game of Horseshoes! Sherman Pilkington of Chicken Bristle, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' The answer was of course forty-one feet, and he did not spill a drop, which is the real story. Sherman takes home a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

98-114 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Ball moves. Shams Charania to Aristotle, on time and on target. Baseline wide open. Aristotle said thank you. Watch the footwork there from Aristotle on the catch, squared up before the ball ever arrives. That is exactly why it goes down so clean.

Pointing up at the family section, Aristotle taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the sports journalist, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. The extra pass! Saitama had the look, gave it up anyway, and Aristotle buries it. BANG! That is the shot chart lying to you. Aristotle did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

More second chance points for Miami Heart-Attack, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Day job, then this: the sports journalist reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Blocked into the floor. Aristotle will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Break. Aristotle collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Fun fact: Aristotle tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Ankle! To win a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska, text HOOPS to 555-0212 and answer this question: 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?

Set called, Hulk waved out to the corner, and Shams Charania watches the spacing open up like a front door. Off the pin-down comes the scientist with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the scientist! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Shams Charania has all the room in the world. Long miss from the sports journalist and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

A full spin move through traffic from the sports journalist! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Shams Charania cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Saitama wraps him up with nobody between the ball and the rim, and the officials do not hesitate for a second.

Miami Heart-Attack again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to sports journalist the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. Buzzer on the shot clock, Saitama heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the sports journalist made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. That is a forced shot from the sports journalist that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

Timeout. Tablet out. And every line the coach draws starts with Katniss Everdeen. Drawn up in the huddle, executed by the polymath, who clocks in somewhere else on Monday morning. Perfect.

Aristotle hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Katniss Everdeen shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Katniss Everdeen lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Saitama holds his in. And here is the answer to our game The Weakest Ankle! Delbert Yoakum of Cold Biscuit, Missouri, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' The answer was of course fifteen, though eleven of those are purely spiritual. Delbert takes home a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

102-122 (L)

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Orlando Magic-Beans, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Saitama breaks a shell down. Screened, toasted, done. Hulk is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. That is the shot Hulk wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The hunter just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. The hunter had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Shams Charania already has the defense a full step behind. Saitama just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Hulk half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. The scientist misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

The locker room. Aristotle sprawls out full-length on the bench. Anecdote: Aristotle fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. And now, our halftime TV game show Go Fish for Answers! To win a porch swing missing every single chain, text HOOPS to 555-0468 and answer this question: 'What is the average lifespan of a whistle used in a middle school gym?' Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Saitama just did it by hitting Aristotle on the back side with acres of room. Aristotle holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Katniss Everdeen flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Ball into Shams Charania at the elbow, Katniss Everdeen plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. The defender fronted him, so Katniss Everdeen sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Straight to the logo at center court, Katniss Everdeen plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

A hunter breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Katniss Everdeen walk away from it.

Katniss Everdeen rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. The hunter had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Orlando Magic-Beans with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The hunter makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Hulk is gone, so Saitama earned that one even if the box score disagrees. So close. Hulk can only stare at the iron.

Five straight misses now for Shams Charania, and every voice in that huddle has gone quiet. A whole possession dies in the hands of the superhero without a single attempt going up. Back to the day job for a rethink.

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Shams Charania has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Saitama precisely where the play wanted it. That is vision. Saitama sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. The polymath hammers a brick off the backboard so hard the rim is still shaking. Nothing in that resume prepared anybody for this.

Chased down from behind and wrapped up before he can get into his dribble, all courtesy of Katniss Everdeen. Here comes the free throw parade.

Saitama snaps at the bench on his way out. Katniss Everdeen says nothing, but her look says everything. And here is the answer to our game show Go Fish for Answers! Peggy Ann Winterbottom of Two Chairs, Nebraska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the average lifespan of a whistle used in a middle school gym?' The answer was of course six years, or two seasons of an especially loud coach. Peggy Ann therefore wins a porch swing missing every single chain! Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

87-132 (L)

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Katniss Everdeen threw it before the help even committed. One hard step and Shams Charania owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. BANG is what Shams Charania was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Shams Charania crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Shams Charania. Cruel.

Watch the spacing, Shams Charania drags two bodies toward the ball and Saitama is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. Pull-up from the elbow by Saitama, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Saitama launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Here comes Hulk sprinting off the elbow. Katniss Everdeen slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Getting to his spot and elevating, Hulk puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Break! Saitama has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Did you know? Saitama once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. And now, our halftime TV game show Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! To win a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office, text HOOPS to 555-0278 and answer this question: 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' Break's over, the players take their positions.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Saitama passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Nobody touched him, nobody trapped him, and Saitama still coughed it up. Easiest whistle these officials will blow all night.

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Cross court, on a rope, from the hunter. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. OHHHH that is filthy! Shams Charania on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about Hulk.

Hulk points at Aristotle first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Aristotle again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Aristotle waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Saitama gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Shams Charania saw it a beat early. The superhero reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. A cruel spin-out for the superhero, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Laser from Saitama, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Whirl, and GONE! Aristotle leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. A jump hook over a grown professional defender, from the polymath? That is the most unexpected fundamentals clinic of the night.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Shams Charania has known that all night long. The hunter just handed that one straight to the other team. Hey, nobody is perfect at two jobs at once.

The sports journalist is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. The officials come back out, cross their arms, and Shams Charania goes from hero to spectator on one signal.

Aristotle isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Saitama tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. And here is the answer to our game Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! Verna Lou Cottongim of Flat Tire, Arizona, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' The answer was of course nobody knows, because they multiply in the off-season. Verna Lou takes home a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office! On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Saitama. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

85-114 (L)

Cold blooded from Phoenix No-Defense, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

STOP AND GO! Shams Charania hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Somewhere an assistant coach is throwing a clipboard, because the sports journalist baited that closeout from deep like a decade of film study went into it.

OHHHH the separation! Katniss Everdeen just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. OHHHHH FROM THE LOGO! Katniss Everdeen pulls up from another area code and it is PURE!

Pointing up at the family section, Katniss Everdeen taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Phoenix No-Defense, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

No hero ball here: Shams Charania takes what the defense gives and moves it along. The hunter just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! The polymath had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Intermission. Katniss Everdeen dumps an entire water bottle over her head. Small detail: Katniss Everdeen whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. And now, our halftime TV game show Jeopardy Adjacent! To win a bucket of concrete turtles from a roadside stand that closed in 2004, text HOOPS to 555-0208 and answer this question: 'Which state has the most rectangular gymnasiums per capita?' Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Katniss Everdeen pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Katniss Everdeen rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

Aristotle guesses left, the ball handler goes right, and suddenly this is a two-on-one before anybody can rotate. Hand check on Aristotle. That is a foul in this league every single time.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

SKIP PASS! Saitama fires it cross court to Hulk and the defense is dead in the water! Kick out to Hulk, one more to Saitama, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. From eight feet Saitama puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

Iron AGAIN for Saitama! Somebody put a lid on that rim and every possession has turned into pure suffering. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Saitama fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Bucket for Phoenix No-Defense. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Shams Charania put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! Ohhh no. Shams Charania just walked. In front of everybody.

Shams Charania walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. The defender planted his feet, and Katniss Everdeen said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. The hunter gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

The sports journalist makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Dribble handoff from Saitama, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Rising up out of the corner, Katniss Everdeen sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Hulk collapses into the first available chair. Aristotle stays standing, eyes glazed over. And here is the answer to our game show Jeopardy Adjacent! Wanda Jean Stubblefield of Possum Grape, Alabama, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which state has the most rectangular gymnasiums per capita?' The answer was of course Indiana, and it is not particularly close. Wanda Jean therefore wins a bucket of concrete turtles from a roadside stand that closed in 2004! Tonight I learned Hulk used to be a sports journalist before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

83-121 (L)

The scientist just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Iso time. Katniss Everdeen up top, one jab step, and the defender is already on SKATES. Offensive foul on the hunter. He gets through an entire work week without a single collision and then does THIS on a basketball floor.

Clear path on Hulk. Two shots AND the ball. That is the expensive one. The temperature in this arena just jumped. Hulk took a dangerous hit, both benches are on their feet, and the officials have peacekeeping to do.

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The players disappear. Shams Charania has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Intel: Shams Charania once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. And now, our halftime TV game show Beat the Clock Radio! To win a coupon book for a car wash that closed in 2011, text HOOPS to 555-0022 and answer this question: 'Why is the mascot always slightly damp?' Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.

This is the counter: Shams Charania punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. A cruel spin-out for the polymath, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Katniss Everdeen rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Katniss Everdeen up there and returns it with interest.

Los Angeles Nursing-Home again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Coach spent a timeout on a play for the sports journalist and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

Nothing but a nod. Shams Charania jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Los Angeles Nursing-Home bench looks personally insulted.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Shot is up, Aristotle loses the wrestling match on the block, and the ball comes down in enemy hands.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

SPIN and GO! Katniss Everdeen pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Late contest, Katniss Everdeen steps into the contact, whistle blows, and the entire bench puts their hands on their heads.

BAAAANG! Shams Charania sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. Rim out for Hulk, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena. Hustle play of the night so far. Katniss Everdeen gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. Katniss Everdeen crashes the glass, snatches that miss out of the air and hammers it home. Onions!

Katniss Everdeen pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Not pretty, but this is arithmetic now. Shams Charania trades one foul for one more possession, and down five with a minute left, that math works.

Shams Charania taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Katniss Everdeen walks through the door without pushing it. And here is the answer to our game Beat the Clock Radio! Buford Wamsley of Cement City, Michigan, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Why is the mascot always slightly damp?' The answer was of course that is strictly between the mascot and the mascot. Buford takes home a coupon book for a car wash that closed in 2011! During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

83-123 (L)

Saitama launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. The sports journalist just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Down, up, and gone for Hulk. The rim is just toying with him now.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Laser from Shams Charania, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Look how low Aristotle keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Shot clock at one, and Aristotle just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The sports journalist is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Watch Shams Charania plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Saitama out of that corner in a blink. Nobody drew up that arc. The superhero floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Halftime. Katniss Everdeen glances at her phone for two seconds and puts it back. Little secret: Katniss Everdeen watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! To win a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0759 and answer this question: 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Give the man credit for the effort, because Aristotle contested that from three feet behind, which is technically a contest. Goaltending on Hulk. Great athleticism, terrible timing.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Toronto Border-Patrol with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Watch the arms on Aristotle, straight up, no arm bar, nothing for the officials to blow. That is coaching and discipline.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Shams Charania controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Two guys on the exact same page, Saitama and Hulk, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. The superhero had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Katniss Everdeen just did it by hitting Saitama on the back side with acres of room. The beauty of it is that Saitama never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Shams Charania rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Clean feed from Shams Charania, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the hunter made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Rises, releases, and Katniss Everdeen sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The hunter just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Nobody expects touch like that from the hunter, but that floater had more feel than half the starting guards in the league.

Box-out from a grown man there. Aristotle seals, elevates and SNATCHES it out of the air with two hands. One hand, full court, Aristotle hits Saitama in stride and the crowd is already up. The superhero just outran an entire defense for the finish, and he clocks in for a shift in the morning. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Shams Charania sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Katniss Everdeen has her head in her hands. And here is the answer to our game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! Elmer Sizemore of Wet Sock, Louisiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' The answer was of course ninety four degrees near the fan and ninety six everywhere else. Elmer therefore wins a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers! I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

86-131 (L)

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Katniss Everdeen did that, and now the loudest twelve people in this arena are all wearing the same uniform he is.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Total control. Shams Charania has this thing on a string. The hunter reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Shams Charania threads a BEAUTY to Katniss Everdeen under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That's a wrap for now. Aristotle dives into the tunnel. Little secret: Aristotle listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Leg! To win a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing, text HOOPS to 555-0088 and answer this question: 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.

Push the pace! Shams Charania grabs it and hits Aristotle in stride before the defense can even match up. The polymath just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? That is a forced shot from the scientist that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Aristotle rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Shams Charania stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, Shams Charania panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

Watch the spacing there, Shams Charania hits Saitama right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Court vision like that on the superhero is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. A cruel spin-out for the scientist, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Katniss Everdeen makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. DOUBLE DRIBBLE! Shams Charania picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

Hesitate, GO. Katniss Everdeen is by that hip before the man even blinks. Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. Katniss Everdeen owns the highlight reel tonight.

Down screen, and Saitama curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Saitama, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

The coach just drew up the biggest play of the night for the hunter, a sentence I did not expect to say out loud this evening. Out of the timeout, Shams Charania hits Saitama right on schedule and it drops! Drawn up, run, done.

Saitama climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Shams Charania refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

Shams Charania sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Katniss Everdeen puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. And here is the answer to our game Supermarket Sweep the Leg! Junior Pennywhistle of Slab Town, Kentucky, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' The answer was of course eight, and the ninth is a private matter. Junior takes home a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing! Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

88-131 (L)

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

One little shoulder dip from Katniss Everdeen and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Katniss Everdeen draws the foul on a THREE-POINT attempt. The building groans, the coach turns around, and nobody wants to make eye contact.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Second pass beats the rotation, Katniss Everdeen to Aristotle, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Aristotle goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

A chair knocked flat, an assistant coach holding somebody back by the jersey, that whole row completely unhinged. That is the Aristotle effect. The chasedown is the hardest hustle play in this sport, and Hulk just made it look routine.

Coach calls everyone back. Hulk drags his feet toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Hulk was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. And now, our halftime TV game show Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! To win a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office, text HOOPS to 555-0278 and answer this question: 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' Back at it! The players jog toward center court.

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Katniss Everdeen retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Off the back iron for Katniss Everdeen, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Shams Charania drops it off to Katniss Everdeen on time and on target. GONE down the baseline! Katniss Everdeen beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. The hunter just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

The too-small gesture, aimed straight at the Houston Blast-Off bench, both hands measuring an inch of air. Their coach is out of his chair and onto the officials. Katniss Everdeen keeps the pose, unblinking, backpedaling all the way. The arena hits a decibel level that clips the broadcast mics.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

SKIP PASS! Katniss Everdeen fires it cross court to Aristotle and the defense is dead in the water! Aristotle comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Aristotle slips it to Katniss Everdeen right in the pocket. Surgical. Reverse layup by Katniss Everdeen, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

Katniss Everdeen plants himself in front of the Houston Blast-Off bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Katniss Everdeen does. Ambition, ten out of ten. Footwork, two out of ten. Katniss Everdeen beat himself before the defender ever showed up.

The help defender committed way too early, and Shams Charania made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. The sports journalist had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

The superhero just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Katniss Everdeen turns the corner off the screen from Hulk, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! The scientist gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Katniss Everdeen threw it before the help even committed. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Saitama gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Fifth possession this half where Saitama has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Aristotle bites his lip, fists clenched. Saitama shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. And here is the answer to our game Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! Verna Lou Cottongim of Flat Tire, Arizona, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' The answer was of course nobody knows, because they multiply in the off-season. Verna Lou takes home a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office! My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

89-134 (L)

Personal foul on the hunter. Somewhere a shift is going uncovered and not one soul in this arena cares. Three fouls on the hunter before halftime. He clocks in, he throws two elbows, he clocks right back out.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Worst possession of the night for the other team, and Aristotle just turned it into three points at the stripe. Free of charge.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Push the pace! Shams Charania grabs it and hits Hulk in stride before the defense can even match up. Hulk feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. That is what heavy minutes do, Hulk has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Halftime. Hulk wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Did you know? Hulk launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. And now, our halftime TV game show Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! To win an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak, text HOOPS to 555-0116 and answer this question: 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

The superhero reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Saitama!

Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Shams Charania did all the dirty work on that one. OHHHH, Katniss Everdeen from WAY downtown off the catch! The defense rotated a half second late and paid full price.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Katniss Everdeen stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Shams Charania, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Somebody check that job title again: the sports journalist hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Unselfish basketball. Saitama passes up a good shot and hands Hulk a GREAT one. Oh, that is rough. Hulk killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Saitama launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Court vision like that on the scientist is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the sports journalist! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Shams Charania already has the defense a full step behind. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Katniss Everdeen the moment he crosses half court. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Katniss Everdeen has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Inbounds pass and Aristotle is on him instantly, two hands on the jersey, whistle. The clock freezes at nineteen point four.

Katniss Everdeen lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Shams Charania decides not to comment. And here is the answer to our game Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! Wayne Shropshire of Salt Lick Junction, Maine, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' The answer was of course twelve dollars, or one covered dish. Wayne takes home an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak! Tonight I learned Katniss Everdeen used to be a sports journalist before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

81-126 (L)

Tip goes to the polymath, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

Katniss Everdeen eats the contact so Shams Charania can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Shams Charania nothing.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The superhero just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Textbook footwork, textbook release from Shams Charania, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Halftime! Hulk checks his stats on the board and winces. True story: Hulk walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against New York Over-Timers. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game of Horseshoes! To win a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0313 and answer this question: 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

Rejected by the scheme, not the athlete. Hulk was simply standing exactly where the offense wanted to be.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Saitama pushes it in transition, pulls up from the elbow, cash. That is a 10-0 run and the visitors have not scored in three minutes.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the hunter, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Court vision like that on the polymath is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Katniss Everdeen rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Somebody explain how the sports journalist reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Saitama keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Stepback three from the superhero, ice in his veins. You cannot teach that, and apparently you cannot keep it out of the workforce either.

Shot clock violation! Shams Charania owns the nail, the middle is a no fly zone, and that possession just expired in their hands. GET THAT OUTTA HERE! Katniss Everdeen meets that jumper at the top of its flight and spikes it into the sideline.

GET THAT OUTTA HERE! Hulk says NOT in my house! Hulk grabs it, turns, and slings a one-hander three quarters of the floor. Filthy. Katniss Everdeen loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

Foul to give, and Shams Charania gives it. Clock stops.

Shams Charania mutters while walking out. Katniss Everdeen watches from the corner of her eye, worried. And here is the answer to our game The Dating Game of Horseshoes! Sherman Pilkington of Chicken Bristle, Rhode Island, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the world record for longest halftime shot made by a man holding a soft drink?' The answer was of course forty-one feet, and he did not spill a drop, which is the real story. Sherman takes home a cast-iron skillet seasoned by four generations of strangers! Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

86-130 (L)

Katniss Everdeen forces a contested fadeaway with a hand in his face, front rim, and the drought rolls on. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Katniss Everdeen launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the superhero, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. The sports journalist just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! That is body control you simply cannot coach: Shams Charania stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

Shams Charania sets an invisible crown on his own head, adjusts it twice, and carries the thing off like it weighs forty pounds. The Cleveland Twin-Towers bench does not find it funny. Saitama pounds the crown down with one fist and steers him away before the technical arrives.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Katniss Everdeen kicks it over to Saitama, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. OHHHH the separation! Saitama just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the superhero! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Rest. Hulk buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. True story: Hulk walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Cleveland Twin-Towers. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show Grand Prize Giveaway Extravaganza Deluxe! To win a wood chipper rated exclusively for grass clippings, text HOOPS to 555-1263 and answer this question: 'How many people in this country are named after a basketball game?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Saitama sizes him up from twenty-five feet, two hard dribbles right, a shoulder fake, and the crowd starts to rise. Feet were down. Saitama drove through a brick wall, and the officials agree with the brick wall.

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Shams Charania, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. The sports journalist just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

They do not teach that in the sports journalist handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Aristotle probes the lane, cups the ball with two hands, then bounces it again. That is the violation they fix in third grade.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Katniss Everdeen makes it every single trip down the floor. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A superhero making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Hulk!

Swing, swing, and Shams Charania finds Saitama on the wing before the help can even turn its head. A single dribble is all Saitama needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the superhero is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Katniss Everdeen spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! Prayer from Katniss Everdeen. Not answered.

Under review. Aristotle does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. OHHHH the cruelty! Two tenths, and Aristotle gets absolutely nothing.

Saitama and Shams Charania share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. And here is the answer to our game show Grand Prize Giveaway Extravaganza Deluxe! Ezra Bottomley of Grand Prairie Elbow, California, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many people in this country are named after a basketball game?' The answer was of course four thousand two hundred, and a suspicious number of them were born nine months after a title run. Ezra therefore wins a wood chipper rated exclusively for grass clippings! Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

86-130 (L)

The scientist just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Careless stuff from Shams Charania. That is a free trip to the line for a steal that was never happening. Shams Charania is on a tightrope now, and every single piece of contact from here could be the last one he is allowed.

OHHHH the separation! Katniss Everdeen just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. The hunter misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Saitama. Wide open at the top of the key and Saitama cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition.

Players head to the locker room. Shams Charania has tape on three fingers. Did you know? Shams Charania once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. And now, our halftime TV game show The Joker Is Wild and Unlicensed! To win a mesh trucker hat that says WORLDS OKAYEST UNCLE, text HOOPS to 555-0584 and answer this question: 'What is the name of the guy who mops the floor between timeouts?' We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Ball moves. Shams Charania to Hulk, on time and on target. OHHHH the pocket pass! Hulk splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! A cruel spin-out for the sports journalist, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

OHHHH the hesi! Shams Charania froze him solid and he is already gone! Whistle! Shams Charania got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. Boring is beautiful, and Shams Charania is automatic from the stripe. That is how you close a game out.

Shams Charania does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Hulk that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Shams Charania already has the defense a full step behind. Baseline spin from Aristotle at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Aristotle went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Saitama threw it before the help even committed. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Hulk the moment he crosses half court. The scientist just created that shot from scratch and drained it. Not bad for somebody clocking in at a real job tomorrow morning.

The noise climbs past whatever the building was engineered for, and Hulk uses it to kneel down and retie a shoe that was already tied. Double knot, no hurry, eyes on the laces. Saitama stands over him like a bodyguard while somewhere down there a coach calls a play into a hurricane and loses.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Katniss Everdeen has known that all night long. Saitama hands it off to Katniss Everdeen, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. The superhero gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Shams Charania hacks the arm on purpose, then throws both hands up like he has never touched a soul in his life. Nobody is buying it.

Katniss Everdeen's complexion is grey. Aristotle's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. And here is the answer to our game show The Joker Is Wild and Unlicensed! Buford Tanksley of Sour Lake Bottom, Texas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the name of the guy who mops the floor between timeouts?' The answer was of course that his name is also Gary, which raises further questions. Buford therefore wins a mesh trucker hat that says WORLDS OKAYEST UNCLE! Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

86-130 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Aristotle who wins the little argument at center court.

The sports journalist pops to the arc and buries it, and nobody in this building believes that man clocks in somewhere in the morning. There is nothing accidental about that one. Hulk hunted the contact, sold it, and bought himself a trip to the stripe. Both knocked down without the slightest wobble. Free throws are just a shift on the clock, and the scientist punched in on time.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Watch the spacing there, Katniss Everdeen hits Shams Charania right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. OHHHH the pin-down! Shams Charania pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Katniss Everdeen. Brutal. A cut with that timing from the sports journalist? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Shams Charania hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Katniss Everdeen slides, closes out, recovers. The ball goes all the way around the perimeter and comes back with nothing. PICKED HIS POCKET! Katniss Everdeen jumps the passing lane and he is GONE the other way!

Rest. Shams Charania buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Fun fact: Shams Charania got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Free Throws! To win a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns, text HOOPS to 555-0952 and answer this question: 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Behind the back was the idea, the ball had entirely different plans, and Shams Charania gets a collective groan for his trouble.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Shams Charania already has the defense a full step behind. The polymath reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. A cruel spin-out for the polymath, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Swing, swing, and Saitama finds Katniss Everdeen on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Right through the window. Katniss Everdeen to Hulk on the roll, and the help was a half step late. The scientist launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Shams Charania gives it up to Saitama on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Two hands on the ball, then a fresh bounce. Somewhere a youth coach is watching the superhero and quietly turning off the TV.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Saitama has known that all night long. Watch the change of pace from Aristotle, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Aristotle beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Shams Charania has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Saitama precisely where the play wanted it. The superhero turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. AIRBALL! Saitama missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

Katniss Everdeen takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Saitama doesn't drink. Throat too tight. And here is the answer to our game show Fear Factor Free Throws! Charlene Bumgarner of Hushpuppy Ridge, New Hampshire, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many miles does a coach pace during a close game?' The answer was of course two point six miles, all of it inside a nine foot box. Charlene therefore wins a truck bed liner for a truck nobody in the family owns! I learned backstage that Saitama also does sports journalist on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

75-119 (L)

Won it clean! Aristotle got up and over him with room to spare.

No hero ball here: Katniss Everdeen takes what the defense gives and moves it along. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Saitama never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Buzzer on the shot clock, Saitama heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the hunter made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Katniss Everdeen had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Off to the locker room. Katniss Everdeen has already drained two water bottles. Intel: Katniss Everdeen once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. And now, our halftime TV game show Supermarket Sweep the Leg! To win a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing, text HOOPS to 555-0088 and answer this question: 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Saitama, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet. Another extra possession courtesy of the scientist, a man who evidently boxes out at work too. Some habits do not clock out. Rebounding is effort, and effort is apparently what the scientist does for a living. Second chance points, all guts.

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. Hulk holds it three seconds. Shams Charania applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and Hulk collects every last one.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The hunter just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Katniss Everdeen fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Shams Charania whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Offensive foul, Aristotle. Feet were still churning. Give it back.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Katniss Everdeen makes it every single trip down the floor. Watch the change of pace from Aristotle, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Aristotle!

Swing, swing, and Shams Charania finds Aristotle on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Shams Charania eats the contact so Aristotle can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. The polymath had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Shams Charania already has the defense a full step behind. The polymath pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. The polymath just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Aristotle crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Katniss Everdeen mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Take the foul, live with whatever happens at the line. Shams Charania clamps down on the ball handler and the whistle does the rest.

Shams Charania scratches the back of his neck nervously. Hulk has the look of someone who has seen things. And here is the answer to our game Supermarket Sweep the Leg! Junior Pennywhistle of Slab Town, Kentucky, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many stripes are on a basketball if you also count the ones inside?' The answer was of course eight, and the ninth is a private matter. Junior takes home a fifty-five gallon drum of ranch dressing! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?