My dream soccer team — football_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-1 (L)

Wally West embarks on a solo raid, he picks it up on the halfway line and drives straight at goal. PENALTY for the superhero! The defender fouled him in the box. In that position, this is the kind of CRUCIAL moment that can tip an entire match on its head. GOAL for Wally West! PANENKA penalty! The keeper dives and the ball floats over him, AUDACIOUS!

Rampart defense, the opposition can't try anything dangerous at all. Godzilla turns himself into a wall! He comes out, narrows the angle and smothers the lot. The keeper is IMPASSABLE. Massive clearance from the superhero under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Well spotted by Monkey D. Luffy who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation.

Hulk plays the simple ball to T'Challa, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. They've come out breathing fire, something's cooking now.

It's in the back of the net! Paris Saint-Glinglin celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Knee slide from Godzilla right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Monkey D. Luffy does the same down the line. Godzilla turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

High recovery from Wally West who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye. Wally West beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely. The superhero lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. The player finds Goku with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

Batman stands up without being asked: "We need to show some bottle, lads. This is not a friendly against Paris Saint-Glinglin. Where is the fight? Where is the desire?" The gaffer nods slowly. Hulk cracks {his} knuckles. The message lands. Sometimes the players need to hear it from one of their own. Lovely story from Batman's childhood — he used to practice free kicks in the alley behind a chip shop in Doncaster. The owner would give him a free bag of scraps if he hit the wheelie bin from thirty yards. That's where 180 of pure talent was forged. And now, our TV game show Who Dares Bins! To win a wheelie bin with your name stencilled on it, text 0800BIN and answer: 'What happens if you put your bins out on the wrong day?' Second half underway and King Kong is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Monkey D. Luffy pings a ridiculous diagonal to Wally West. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Wally West reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Wally West puts it right into the feet of Barry Allen, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Superb pass from Barry Allen into the gap for Monkey D. Luffy, the defender is rooted to the spot. Monkey D. Luffy is flagged offside but it's INCREDIBLY tight! Barry Allen's pass deserved better than that.

The scientist shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Goku. Pure quality, as per usual. Goku scuffs the pass, the ball spins off the boot and heads towards the dugout. Lonely moment. Batman brings the opponent down with a cynical challenge. Nothing malicious, just effective. The superhero sees yellow after a brutal tackle. He'll need to rein it in from that position.

The player boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Monumental ball from Spider-Man to Wally West, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Textbook lay-off from Barry Allen to King Kong who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway. Brilliant cut-back from King Kong along the grass for Spider-Man. That is an absolute peach of a ball.

Barry Allen sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. King Kong is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. What a gut punch! King Kong scores from Spider-Man's cross but the assistant raises his flag. Offside. The referee's been called over to the monitor. Nobody knows which way this is going. Goal confirmed for the scientist after VAR review! You don't see many from that role, so it means even more.

Perfectly executed challenge by King Kong, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Line-breaking pass from King Kong! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Wally West picks it up at full pace. Devastating. OHHH Wally West strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded.

Great vision from Spider-Man who switches to Batman. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Batman is beaten to the header by the opposition striker, he was a fraction late on the timing of his jump. COLOSSAL save from Godzilla! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Full time and it's level. Sonic the Hedgehog stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Barry Allen grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. Sandra from Rotherham says neighbourhood exile and possible prosecution. The personalised wheelie bin is hers! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-1 (L)

Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. GOOOAL from the superhero! Undefendable rocket, the keeper was a spectator. In that position, that kind of strike makes you look like a monster.

This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Good ball from the player to Barry Allen, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

King Kong shifts it to Goku with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. The farmer gets to the byline and floats one in for Sonic the Hedgehog. Crossing is his bread and butter. The cross from the player is blocked by a defender. That is the risk when you deliver from that area, the defence is watching. Godzilla distributes by hand to Monkey D. Luffy on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

Perfectly coordinated low block, the opposition looks helpless. Inch-perfect tackle by King Kong, he's taken the ball cleanly and snuffed out the attack. Brilliant defending. Brilliant pass from King Kong! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Barry Allen is onto it. What a STRIIIIKE from Barry Allen! Arrowing towards goal, on target but the keeper produces an absolute worldie!

Godzilla fires it out quickly by hand to Batman, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. The superhero positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. The superhero hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did.

Tactical debate in the corner. Godzilla wants to push higher. Goku reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Goku, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. Now Goku — bless him — once showed up to pre-season training with a sunburn so severe he looked like a Drumstick lolly. Spent one afternoon in Margate without suncream. At 180, there's a lot of surface area to burn, in fairness. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Fink! To win a voucher for the Wetherspoons breakfast, text 5567 and answer: 'What is the cheapest full English breakfast in Britain and does it come with unlimited toast?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Spider-Man high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Barry Allen sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Batman. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Batman dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Instinctive clearance from Batman who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. King Kong wins the battle in the air against the attacker, he took the elevator while everyone else took the stairs. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. The farmer opens up to Batman on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Batman slips Hulk in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

They push up sky high, the defender is forced into a hurried clearance. Awful pass from Wally West, the ball goes out of play. That had disaster written all over it from the start. What a tackle by King Kong! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. The player devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match. King Kong winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky!

The superhero finds Monkey D. Luffy along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Monkey D. Luffy feeds Spider-Man in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Spider-Man spreads it to Hulk, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right.

They've nicked a goal! México No-Era-Penal catch us cold on the break.

Godzilla slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. King Kong photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Hulk hits the afterburners to get back, catches the attacker, and nicks the ball off him. Pure desire. A tug on the shirt from Hulk, the opponent can't get away. Free kick. Dangerous delivery from the scientist on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold. Godzilla catches the ball in front of the attacker, immaculate handling.

1-1. King Kong and Monkey D. Luffy are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says King Kong. "Next time," replies Monkey D. Luffy. And they vanish into the tunnel. Baz from Middlesbrough says two pounds ninety-nine at the Spoons on the high street and yes the toast is unlimited. Breakfast voucher for Baz! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

The ship captain lays it off first time to T'Challa, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Cut-back from T'Challa along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Wally West centrally. GOOOOAL for Wally West! He plays Batman in, gets it back and places his shot to the keeper's wrong side!

Monkey D. Luffy climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Barry Allen films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

The superhero does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. Blistering transition, defence caught cold and carved wide open. GOOOAL from the ship captain! World class placed finish! In that position, knowing how to find the bottom corner like that is what makes the great players.

The pile at the corner flag. Batman is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Godzilla arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Driven cross from Wally West into the box, Barry Allen arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. Header from Barry Allen, it grazes the bar but goes over! So close to goal, so far from the target. Batman clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Godzilla stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Batman comes over and hugs him without a word.

Sonic the Hedgehog boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Magnificent reading of the game from Monkey D. Luffy, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Monkey D. Luffy thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show.

Godzilla sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Batman sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Godzilla nods but does not look up. Now King Kong has a rather unusual pre-match ritual — he has to watch a full episode of EastEnders before kickoff. If Phil Mitchell isn't in the episode, he considers it a bad omen. He's 28 years old and still won't grow out of it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' And they are off! Spider-Man touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Oh what a challenge! Hulk goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. The scientist spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Batman. That is exactly why he is out there. The player dives at the ball and wins the duel. In that position, when you have that bravery, you are a true number one. The player goes long for Wally West, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Wally West fires the ball over to Monkey D. Luffy with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

With one swing of the boot, T'Challa finds Sonic the Hedgehog on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Sonic the Hedgehog wins his duel in the air and heads it down for T'Challa. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Sonic the Hedgehog takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Sonic the Hedgehog gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Goku just needs to sidefoot it home. The defender saves his team! Goku struck it well but the block is there.

Spider-Man floats his corner in but a defender climbs highest and heads it clear. Crossfield pass from Spider-Man to Batman, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Batman finds Hulk between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Burst of speed from the scientist down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs.

GOAL for Casablanca Dima-Maghrib! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Godzilla strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. King Kong points at it, jaw on the floor. Godzilla shakes his head, not believing it.

They're starting to suffocate the opposition with their pressing. High recovery from the superhero who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description.

The corner from Batman is met by Spider-Man with a header, but it drifts past the frame. Short restart from Godzilla to Sonic the Hedgehog, building from the back nice and tidy. Sonic the Hedgehog picks out T'Challa with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. T'Challa sends an aerial beauty to Wally West, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Stunning one-two between Wally West and Monkey D. Luffy, the defender has been wiped out without anyone touching him. Top drawer. The superhero roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Wally West plays it back for T'Challa on the edge of the area, there is a motorway in front of him.

Level at the final whistle. T'Challa and King Kong walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-2 (L)

Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Monkey D. Luffy unleashes a HOWITZER on the cross from Goku! The ball rips the net, GOOOAL!

Spider-Man accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Spider-Man sends a cross over the pack, nobody can reach it. Chance gone begging. Godzilla distributes short to Monkey D. Luffy, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Monkey D. Luffy unleashes a raking ball out to Barry Allen, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

Elastico from the superhero, the defender is bamboozled. That kind of showmanship in that role is the X-factor that makes the difference. Overlap from the superhero with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. The superhero whips in a classic cross for Goku in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Goku climbs above everyone and powers a header... wide. What a waste. Godzilla opts for the short option to King Kong, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Hulk clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. The cross from Spider-Man is a gift for the keeper who catches it with total composure.

Hulk triggers a change of flanks for Barry Allen, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. The superhero plays it simple to Wally West, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Good ball from Wally West to T'Challa, playing it quick between the lines. T'Challa uses Monkey D. Luffy as a wall, the return is instant, T'Challa carries on into space. Crystal clear.

The gaffer points at Batman: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." Batman clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. We can confirm that Batman owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 180, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2024 and answer this question: 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. T'Challa wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

King Kong slides it to Batman, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Batman releases T'Challa with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. T'Challa powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Cheeky tug from T'Challa, holding the attacker back by the arm. Free kick.

Wall pass between the superhero and T'Challa, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there. Barry Allen slides a beauty through the gap, T'Challa is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. The player is flagged offside by a whisker on Hulk's ball, agonising decision. Godzilla plays it along the ground to Spider-Man, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Dominant header from Spider-Man on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes.

GOAL! Dakar Teranga FC find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Launching long balls into the box, it's route one now. Unbelievable, Godzilla has come all the way into the opposition box, goal left wide open. Enormous leap from King Kong who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. Short pass from the player to Wally West, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Spider-Man opens up to Barry Allen on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Barry Allen with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Barry Allen keeps it short to Sonic the Hedgehog, no frills, just good football intelligence. Shifting pass from Sonic the Hedgehog to Barry Allen, the ball drifts into the free zone and Barry Allen is onto it in two strides. Barry Allen is a fraction offside when King Kong plays the ball, the flag goes up instantly.

GOAL for Dakar Teranga FC! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Short restart from the player to Goku, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Raking ball from the farmer to King Kong, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. King Kong reads the movement from Goku and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. Perfect cut-back from Goku, Hulk receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. Crucial intervention from the scientist, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on.

Defeat. Barry Allen sits on the pitch long after the whistle, knees pulled up, replaying every mistake in his head. Hulk comes back out from the tunnel to get him: "Come on, mate. Can't stay here all night." The groundsman's already got the sprinklers going. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How tall is the average Tuesday in centimetres?'. The answer was of course 147 centimetres, slightly shorter than a Wednesday. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-1 (L)

Barry Allen sees what nobody else sees and puts Monkey D. Luffy through on goal with a genius through ball. The ship captain aims with surgical precision on the pass from Wally West! In that position, knowing how to place a ball like that, you become a nightmare for keepers. GOAL!

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Barry Allen. Hulk is on his knees clapping, Godzilla is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Players diving for every ball, even the lost causes. Godzilla coming up, it's Russian roulette now, one counter-attack and it's over. The player thumps his header wide of the post. In that position, chances like that do not come around often, shame about the accuracy. Godzilla boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Sonic the Hedgehog! Long ball that catches everyone off guard.

The player lays it off first time to Batman, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Batman spots the run from Monkey D. Luffy and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! Overlap from Monkey D. Luffy with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel.

King Kong links up with Wally West, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. The superhero takes on his man and leaves him for dead. In that position, the short dribble is the ultimate weapon. Wally West lays it off first time to Sonic the Hedgehog, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Low cut-back from the player for Wally West. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality. The player produces a monster save! In that position, a save like that is worth a goal. He is the last line and he has held firm.

The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. The opposition has eleven behind the ball and a smile on their face. Monkey D. Luffy to King Kong, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. King Kong forces a pass to Sonic the Hedgehog who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Goku stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." A scouting report from Godzilla's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 28 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Boots meal deal every day for a month, text 3501 and answer: 'Is a sausage roll from Greggs a breakfast or a lifestyle?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Goku leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Pitch-length run from the superhero, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory. Spider-Man opens up the space for Hulk with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. The scientist is caught offside from Spider-Man's through ball. Flag goes up.

Masterful reading from King Kong who cuts out the through ball. The timing is perfect, the anticipation is frightening. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Monkey D. Luffy powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go.

Magnificent tackle from Barry Allen! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Incredible solo charge from the superhero, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition. Smart pass from Barry Allen into the hole for Sonic the Hedgehog, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football.

Absolutely immense from Hulk! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Hulk sends Monkey D. Luffy into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. Monkey D. Luffy lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent.

Oh no, Douala Makossa-Corner have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Three-man routine: Godzilla, King Kong and Godzilla do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Roulette from Spider-Man on his marker, the skill is magnificent, the crowd goes wild! The dribble from Spider-Man fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Foul given against Wally West, he went through the back of the opponent. The superhero puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Sonic the Hedgehog shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Wally West goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. Young Callum from Croydon says it is absolutely a lifestyle and Greggs should be on the national curriculum. Meal deals for a month! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-0 (W)

Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Batman shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Spider-Man. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Spider-Man follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Monkey D. Luffy! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Dead defender. Batman mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. T'Challa completes the choreography by collapsing. Godzilla arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Sonic the Hedgehog boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Hulk sets it for Spider-Man, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Spider-Man bounces off Wally West, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful.

Tidy restart from Godzilla along the deck to Sonic the Hedgehog, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Sideways ball from Sonic the Hedgehog to T'Challa, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop.

Godzilla throws it out quickly to Sonic the Hedgehog, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. The player butchers that pass, straight to the opposition. Unusual for a player of his calibre. The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Key pass from Hulk! It fizzes between the lines and T'Challa collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. WHAT A SHAME for T'Challa! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Superb defensive work from Hulk there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric! The ship captain overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Overlap on the left from Monkey D. Luffy, floated cross towards T'Challa who rises highest at the far post.

Goku is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Hulk adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Spider-Man turned up to a school reunion in full kit and boots, apparently misreading the invitation. The 28-year-old spent the evening doing keepy-uppies in the car park while everyone else had a carvery. And now, our TV game show Celebrity Gogglebox of Horrors! To win a television remote with missing batteries, text 5456 and answer: 'How many remotes does the average British living room have and does anyone know which one controls the volume?' King Kong is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

The superhero produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. One touch football: Barry Allen to Wally West, faster than the opposition can think. Rapid combination: Wally West to Spider-Man, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Pinpoint delivery from the superhero towards Batman, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Batman tries to cross from the wing but the defender heads it away.

The farmer presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. Quick one-two between Goku and Monkey D. Luffy, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Monkey D. Luffy bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. The cross from Monkey D. Luffy clears the box entirely and goes straight out. Frustrating.

Textbook tackle from Barry Allen there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Magnificent shift from Sonic the Hedgehog! Barry Allen picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Barry Allen squares it back for King Kong, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

The farmer floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. Header from Batman, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Ping-pong between the two boxes, every ball is a chance. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. The player finds Monkey D. Luffy in the pocket with a ball into space. Understated quality, no fuss, but devastatingly effective. The ship captain accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything.

Full time, full joy! T'Challa walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Barry Allen carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Lagos No-Carry-Last are yesterday's news. Keith from Grimsby says six remotes and no, nobody knows which one does the volume, they just press them all. Remote with no batteries for Keith! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

1-1 (L)

Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. Phenomenal run from T'Challa, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter. GOOOOAL from the player! He curls it like a master and beats the keeper. In that position, when you have that composure in front of goal, you are decisive.

Knee slide from T'Challa right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Monkey D. Luffy does the same down the line. Godzilla turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Free kick from Spider-Man to the near post, Wally West gets a flick on it. The player plucks the cross with both hands. In that position, when you have that authority in the air, your defence plays with their eyes closed. Wally West plays it simple to Goku, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Clean lay-off from the farmer to Sonic the Hedgehog into the gap. The bare minimum for a player of that calibre, but done with outrageous class. The player strays just offside on Hulk's pass, the linesman raises his flag. Brutal.

Batman does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet. The superhero has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. Monkey D. Luffy spots the gap and sends Batman into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. The superhero slides a perfect cut-back for Barry Allen in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class.

Barry Allen pierces the backline with a low through ball, Hulk latches onto it at full tilt. Magnificent. Oh my word Hulk fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. The referee spots the foul by Barry Allen, a push in the back on the opponent.

Oh that's terrible! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

King Kong is tapping {his} studs on the floor, nervous energy pouring out of every pore. {he} knows {he} can do better. The gaffer knows it too. He crouches down in front of King Kong: "Stop hiding behind their centre-half. Get on the ball, take the game by the scruff of the neck. That is why you are in the team." Hulk claims to hold the unofficial world record for eating 47 Jaffa Cakes in under six minutes. At 28 years old, the achievement remains unrecognised by Guinness but celebrated in the dressing room. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 9922 and answer this question: 'Which household appliance became mayor of Stoke-on-Trent in 2003?' Back on the pitch and Goku is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Killer ball from Sonic the Hedgehog through the gap! Hulk bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Hulk celebrates, then sees the flag. Offside on Monkey D. Luffy's pass. Gutting. Godzilla sparks the transition with a quick throw to Goku, the break is lightning fast. Goku launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Batman, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

Magnificent low block, holding out like a besieged fortress. The player launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. T'Challa rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Hulk. The far side is completely deserted.

Spider-Man charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Spider-Man hits the deck like he's been shot by a sniper. Replay shows absolutely nothing. Yellow card for Spider-Man, the defender pulled out of the challenge and he still went down! Lovely cross from the superhero on the free kick! In that position, when you have got that kind of delivery, you become the set piece specialist.

The player throws it out to Spider-Man, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. The superhero switches the play to Monkey D. Luffy, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Great overlap from Monkey D. Luffy down the flank, pinpoint cross for Sonic the Hedgehog in the area. This is the moment. Sonic the Hedgehog crosses and it takes a deflection off the defender's shin. Ball goes out for a throw.

Spider-Man fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, King Kong throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. The cross from King Kong is blocked by the defender who was in the right position. Unlucky. The corner from Barry Allen is thumped clear by the defence, back to the halfway line. Decisive interception from the player, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable.

Nutmeg from Goku on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful. PENALTY awarded! Goku enters the box with the ball and the defender catches him with a late tackle. The referee is CERTAIN. Every heart in the stadium is RACING! The keeper saves the farmer's penalty! In that position, missing a penalty is tough but the GREATS always come back stronger. King Kong boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Draw. Wally West sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Godzilla waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which household appliance became mayor of Stoke-on-Trent in 2003?'. The answer was of course a Morphy Richards toaster, which won by a landslide and to this day holds the highest approval rating of any mayor in the city's history. Pauline wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The team is resisting with real discipline, no cracks in the shape. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. GOOOOAL from Monkey D. Luffy! On the inswinging cross from Goku, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Monkey D. Luffy stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Goku comes over and hugs him without a word.

Shirt pull from T'Challa, the attacker's jersey stretches about two yards! T'Challa sees yellow for a rugby tackle on the breakaway. Free kick, card, job done. Free kick from T'Challa delivered with pace, Monkey D. Luffy finds himself in space at the far post. The ship captain heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on. Godzilla finds Monkey D. Luffy with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money.

Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. Batman burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing. Short build-up from Batman to Goku, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Overlap from the player with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. PENALTY! The player is brought down in the box! In that position, when you burst into the area like that and win a penalty, you change the COURSE of the match. DECISIVE moment. Penalty missed by the player! In that position, when the pressure breaks you on a penalty, it's AGONY, but champions bounce back.

They've scored! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Godzilla fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Monkey D. Luffy plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

The gaffer pulls up Montevideo Garra-Charrúa's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Wally West, you have the pace. Goku, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. Nutritionists are baffled by T'Challa's insistence on eating Monster Munch before every match. At 180 tall, the lad credits pickled onion flavour specifically for his aerial dominance. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 4040 and answer this question: 'What is the national dish of a car park?' The dressing rooms empty and the pitch fills up again. Barry Allen does a few quick stretches on the touchline before jogging into position. Ready for war.

King Kong launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Barry Allen changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Sonic the Hedgehog. The defence is caught completely flat-footed.

Godzilla lumps it long towards T'Challa, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. T'Challa swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Monkey D. Luffy, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Header won by Monkey D. Luffy, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall.

Fantastic surging run from Monkey D. Luffy, he sets off from his own half and charges towards goal. PENALTY! Monkey D. Luffy is fouled in the box, the defender touched the player BEFORE the ball. The referee blows, it is clear as DAY. DECISIVE moment! Monkey D. Luffy's penalty is saved! The goalkeeper dives magnificently and turns the ball away. Godzilla rolls it short to Goku into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

Clearance from the player towards Monkey D. Luffy, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Superb diagonal from the ship captain to Goku, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Goku launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Goku was flying.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Firm pass from Barry Allen into Monkey D. Luffy, right into the boots. No waste. Monkey D. Luffy plays it back across the box for T'Challa, the low cross is inch-perfect.

Goku gives it to King Kong from the free kick, little dummy to create the angle. The player finds T'Challa along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Sonic the Hedgehog kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Hulk does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the national dish of a car park?'. The answer was of course a ticket with a side of despair and a drizzle of concrete dust. Reginald wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-2 (L)

Lovely use of the ball by T'Challa, finding King Kong in a tight pocket of space. Quality. The player rolls it back along the ground for Spider-Man. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches. GOOOOOAL signed by the superhero! Placed shot, ball in the bottom corner. In that position, that kind of finish is what justifies the wages.

T'Challa runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Godzilla tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Oh no, Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Godzilla and Goku do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Godzilla arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Authoritative clearance from Hulk in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. T'Challa intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. T'Challa scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever.

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Godzilla unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Batman makes a heart sign with his hands. Godzilla finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Monkey D. Luffy has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though. Long kick from Godzilla, Sonic the Hedgehog positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Little shift from Sonic the Hedgehog to Monkey D. Luffy, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Batman's eyes are bloodshot. King Kong looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." A gorgeous bit of intel — Hulk once entered a pub quiz in Wolverhampton under the team name 'Definitely Not A Footballer.' Won the whole thing. Prize was a meat raffle and a crate of Carling. At 28, that's what peak performance looks like. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 7777 and answer this question: 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?' Godzilla spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

Smooth transition from Spider-Man to Goku, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Shot from the farmer, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Hulk looks up and launches a long pass towards Barry Allen. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky.

Ball over the top from Goku, Spider-Man had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. The player narrows the angle and gathers at the feet. In that position, that courage and reading of the game wins you matches. Godzilla plays out from the back with Monkey D. Luffy, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

T'Challa lets rip but a defender sacrifices himself and takes the shot full in the face. Warrior. Corner cleared, the player finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. Emergency clearance from the scientist, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

Overlap from the ship captain with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. Monkey D. Luffy hurls himself forward as if hit by a freight train. The defender barely moved. Monkey D. Luffy earns a yellow card for diving, you reap what you sow on the pitch. Free kick from Monkey D. Luffy, he puts a whipped ball into the box and Sonic the Hedgehog is onto it!

Massive diagonal from Spider-Man! Hulk receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. The scientist overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Hulk rolls it to Barry Allen, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Switch from Barry Allen! The ball arcs over the midfield and Sonic the Hedgehog collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

The crowd is getting restless, VAR is taking forever. What a nerve-wracking wait. The scientist is sent off after VAR! In this role, what looks like a minor challenge can cost an early shower. The scientist has been sent off for violent conduct. A player in that role should know better than to throw his hands around. Short free kick played by Hulk, Batman receives at the edge of the box after the one-two.

Quick exchange between King Kong and Barry Allen, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Lay-off from Barry Allen to Sonic the Hedgehog, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Sonic the Hedgehog plays it into the channel for Barry Allen, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. The overlap from Barry Allen, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead.

It's done. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío win, we lose, the table doesn't lie. Barry Allen and Batman walk out together, bags over shoulders, eyes on the floor. The security guard holds the door and says nothing. Outside, it's started raining. Of course it has. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which British prime minister invented the roundabout?'. The answer was of course Lord Palmerston, who was going around in circles politically and decided to make it literal. Norman wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-2 (L)

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. The player reads the movement before anyone else and puts Wally West into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game. The superhero places his shot to perfection on the cross from Spider-Man, GOOOOAL! In that position, that finesse in the foot is pure gold.

What a block! Barry Allen slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Barry Allen picks it up in his own half and charges forward on his own, he beats two on the way! The superhero executes a MAGNIFICENT lob! In that position, it is finesse and intelligence that make the difference, and that is exactly what we just saw. GOAL OF GENIUS!

GOAL! Rio Malandro FC are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Godzilla and Spider-Man do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Godzilla arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

The superhero hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Aerial duel won by the ship captain, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. The ship captain overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Monkey D. Luffy gives it to King Kong into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

Goku goes straight through the attacker with a wild sliding challenge. Bodies everywhere. Endless VAR check here, players exchanging glances, managers pacing the technical area. VAR corrects the referee's mistake, Goku fully deserves the red! STRAIGHT RED! Goku has been rightly sent off. That challenge was absolutely barbaric. Free kick from Goku, lovely delivery and Hulk rises above the defence.

The boss brings the group into a huddle: "The score is level and the game is wide open. This is where big players step up. I am looking at you, Godzilla. And you, Spider-Man. You do not get nights like this every week. Seize it." Eyes sharpen around the circle. The second half starts now, in this room. Sonic the Hedgehog once got stuck in a climbing frame during a Year 6 school trip and the fire brigade had to cut the lad free. Now 180 and 28, the photos are still pinned to his mum's fridge. And now, our TV game show The One Show Nobody Asked For! To win a cushion from a John Lewis display, text 5345 and answer: 'How many throw cushions is too many throw cushions on a sofa?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Godzilla high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

GOAL! Rio Malandro FC have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Godzilla mimes smashing a penalty into the top corner, arm raised in frozen follow-through. Wally West does the wave with contortionist grace. Godzilla solemnly applauds. The home end copies the movement in cadence.

Godzilla takes his time and plays it short to Hulk. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Hulk throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Goku turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Barry Allen. The defence did not even have time to blink. Brilliant tackle from Barry Allen! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending.

Spider-Man plays the one-two with Sonic the Hedgehog, give and go, that is absolutely silky! Spider-Man lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Goku down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Goku is flagged offside by the narrowest of margins, Barry Allen wants answers from the ref. Godzilla smashes a volley towards Monkey D. Luffy, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. The ship captain rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great.

The superhero lays it off for King Kong in the box. The pull-back pass is the deadliest weapon in that position. Golden chance WAAASTED by King Kong! Barry Allen plays the perfect ball, the goal is empty, and he misses. Incomprehensible. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative.

Superb tackle from the player, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. The player finds Sonic the Hedgehog along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The player switches the play to Goku, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter.

The free kick from Wally West is superb, it picks out Barry Allen unmarked in the box. Header from the superhero, it flies wide! In that role, aerial ability matters and he was so close to scoring there. Beautiful distribution from Godzilla to Wally West, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

Short pass from the player to King Kong, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The player plays the one-two with Goku and finds himself through. When you have got that understanding on the pitch, you cause havoc. King Kong is well offside there. Goku tried to find him but the run was mistimed. The player finds Barry Allen with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Barry Allen slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

Level. Godzilla picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Sonic the Hedgehog waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. Brian from Coventry says anything above four cushions is an act of aggression against anyone trying to sit down. John Lewis cushion for Brian! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Godzilla is up, one more corner and he has to make it count. GOOOOAL from the player! Imperial header on the delivery from Monkey D. Luffy. In that position, when you have that leap and that timing, you scare every defence.

The scientist reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Hulk pings a long diagonal to Monkey D. Luffy, completely shifts the point of attack. Bad pass from the ship captain, the weight is completely off. In that position, that kind of mistake can be very costly. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. The player shifts Spider-Man into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded.

Free kick crossed in by the superhero into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. Enormous leap from the ship captain who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. The ship captain boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

Nightmare! Istanbul Cehennem FK score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Sterile possession, the opposition back four could have a picnic. The player switches the play to Wally West, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. The superhero bends the ball into the box for Barry Allen. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. Godzilla bursts off his line and gathers the cross with both hands. Boss-level take, total command.

The boss slams the door shut and leans against it. Nobody leaves until he says so. "Look at your faces. You are beaten already and there are still forty-five minutes on the clock. Godzilla, lift your head up. Sonic the Hedgehog, stop sulking. We are footballers, not victims. Now act like it." Here's one for the ages — King Kong is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 180, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show The National Lottery of Mild Disappointment! To win a scratch card and a biro, text 0800LUCK and answer: 'What does a British person do when they win two pounds on a scratch card?' Kick-off! Sonic the Hedgehog wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

The superhero starts a one-two with T'Challa, give and go. In that position it is the basics, but he does it with outrageous class. The superhero beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill. Batman delivers a tidy ball to Goku, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Goku overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly.

GOAAAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK make no mistake! The defence parted like the Red Sea.

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Godzilla. Spider-Man is on his knees clapping, Godzilla is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Hulk launches it to Monkey D. Luffy on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Good cross from the ship captain for Sonic the Hedgehog in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality. Perfect aerial claim from Godzilla! He gathers the cross in his box, that is SOLID. Godzilla sends an absolute rocket towards Batman, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

The scientist plays it simple to Sonic the Hedgehog, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Through ball from the player for Hulk, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Hulk gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Hulk crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, T'Challa is in the right place. T'Challa delivers into the box on the corner, it's a proper BATTLE in there! Defense holds firm!

The free kick from Goku is a dangerous one, King Kong meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. King Kong tries a floated cross but the defender rises and heads it clear.

Barry Allen hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Brilliant switch of play from King Kong! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Hulk. Hulk rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

It's over and Istanbul Cehennem FK take the points. T'Challa shakes hands down the line on autopilot — grip, nod, move on, grip, nod, move on. Batman walks straight past the mixed zone without looking sideways. The dressing room door closes with a thud that says everything. Maureen from Scunthorpe says you buy another scratch card immediately because hope springs eternal. Scratch card and biro for Maureen! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-3 (L)

What a situation from Goku's corner! It's a right old scrap in the box, the defense survives! OOOOH the tap-in from Wally West! On the loose ball, he was 6 yards out, he pokes it in. GOAL!

Goku kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Barry Allen takes a knee behind him. Godzilla raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

And that's a goal! Milano Piano-Piano extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Godzilla spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Monkey D. Luffy gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Lightning one-two between King Kong and Hulk, so quick the defender is left standing like a statue. GOOOOOAL for King Kong! On the genius pass from Wally West, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

King Kong unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Spider-Man makes a heart sign with his hands. Godzilla finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

Godzilla launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on T'Challa after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. T'Challa goes crossfield to Spider-Man, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Spider-Man puts the ball right into the path of King Kong, played to the inch, the space is found. The player pulls it back along the ground for Spider-Man. The low cut-back is his trademark. Spider-Man dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution.

T'Challa keeps it short to Goku, no frills, just good football intelligence. Short pass from the farmer to Hulk, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Hulk spreads the play and finds Goku in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Nutmeg from the farmer on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. Good ball from the farmer to T'Challa, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

The gaffer flips the tactics board clean off the wall. Magnets scatter across the floor like shrapnel. "Can somebody, ANYBODY, explain to me what I have just watched for forty-five minutes?!" Nobody answers. King Kong pulls {his} shirt over {his} face. The hairdryer treatment has well and truly arrived. Bit of a scoop for you — T'Challa plays Sunday league football under a fake name during the off-season. Goes by 'Dave from Accounts' and plays centre-mid for the Dog and Duck. At 28, the man just loves the game. And now, our TV game show Who Dares Bins! To win a wheelie bin with your name stencilled on it, text 0800BIN and answer: 'What happens if you put your bins out on the wrong day?' And the second half is go! Godzilla charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from King Kong to Hulk, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Hulk rises above the pack and wins the header with ease. He got so high it looked like he had springs in his boots. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. The ship captain embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional.

What a disaster! Milano Piano-Piano score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Godzilla dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

Driven kick from Godzilla to Barry Allen, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Barry Allen loses the header against the towering forward. The size difference told the story. Aerial claim from the player, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear. Short build-up from King Kong to Goku, playing out from the back, keeping it safe.

Lovely anticipation from the superhero who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Little shift from Barry Allen to Spider-Man, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Spider-Man puts Batman into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. Batman attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious.

GOAL for Milano Piano-Piano! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Godzilla mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. King Kong plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Godzilla applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

The corner from the farmer was spot on but the header goes over. In that position, you do your job with the delivery, the attackers need to finish. The player finds T'Challa with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. The player wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts.

Corner from Wally West to the back post, it's knocked back across, SCRAMBLE! Defense boots it clear! Almighty boot from Goku who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable.

PENALTY! Batman is illegally stopped in the box! The defender tripped him, the referee has no doubt. The stadium is THROBBING, this is the moment of truth! Batman's penalty goes over! He's smashed it too hard, it's dramatic.

Defeat and the dressing room feels like a dentist's waiting room. Godzilla stares at his boots like they've personally betrayed him. Sonic the Hedgehog peels off his tape slowly, methodically. The gaffer says five words: "We'll fix it in training." Everyone believes him. Sort of. Sandra from Rotherham says neighbourhood exile and possible prosecution. The personalised wheelie bin is hers! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

Stunning tackle by Sonic the Hedgehog in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOAL for Goku! On the cross from Wally West, he controls and shoots, sends a bomb into the back of the net. SUMPTUOUS!

And there it is, Sevilla Olé-Olé score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Godzilla ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Batman leaps over him. Godzilla walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Monkey D. Luffy strings together a series of step-overs and puts the defender on the floor. He is an artist. The ship captain lays it off first time to Sonic the Hedgehog, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Ball into space from the player for Hulk, the channel is wide open. When you have got that kind of vision, you cause damage.

Monster clearance from Godzilla, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Monkey D. Luffy. Wing switch from Monkey D. Luffy, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Batman brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Short pass from the superhero to Monkey D. Luffy, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Sonic the Hedgehog cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. The player finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Spider-Man clean through. Pure genius from that position. Spider-Man puts everything into that strike, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is unbeatable today.

Godzilla cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Nutritionists are baffled by Wally West's insistence on eating Monster Munch before every match. At 180 tall, the lad credits pickled onion flavour specifically for his aerial dominance. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2626 and answer this question: 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?' King Kong spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

The player intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. King Kong plays the simple ball to Sonic the Hedgehog, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Change of flanks from Sonic the Hedgehog, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Wally West. The superhero finds Barry Allen along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Unbelievable! Sevilla Olé-Olé score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Emergency clearance from the scientist, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. 70% possession, zero chances created, you can't win games like that.

Long ball from King Kong to Batman, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Batman shoots but it's deflected at the last moment by the defender who stuck his head in! What courage.

Hulk with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Panicked clearance from Hulk, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. Aerial duel lost by the farmer, outmuscled by the attacker. It happens to the best, but in that role you need to bounce back fast. Goku sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

The superhero plays it simple to Barry Allen, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. BLOCKED by the defender! Barry Allen was unlucky there, good shot but even better block. Corner from Batman, it is a whipped delivery but a defender intervenes and clears. Emergency clearance from Barry Allen, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe.

Sideways ball from Barry Allen to Sonic the Hedgehog, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Sonic the Hedgehog goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. T'Challa switches the play to Monkey D. Luffy on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

Defeat and the dressing room feels like a dentist's waiting room. Sonic the Hedgehog stares at his boots like they've personally betrayed him. Wally West peels off his tape slowly, methodically. The gaffer says five words: "We'll fix it in training." Everyone believes him. Sort of. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many bus stops are there between disappointment and Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course none, they're the same stop, the bus just goes round twice for dramatic effect. Ethel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-3 (L)

Beautifully worked short corner from the superhero to Goku. In that role, the ability to vary your delivery makes you a complete player. Cut-back along the turf from the farmer for Sonic the Hedgehog. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. GOOOAL! Sonic the Hedgehog sneaks in front of the defender on the cross from Monkey D. Luffy and prods the ball in at point-blank range. PERFECT!

Wally West runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Spider-Man gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Oh it's gone in! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Godzilla sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Spider-Man photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

High recovery from Spider-Man, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Telepathic pass from Spider-Man to Barry Allen, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. GOAL for Barry Allen! The ball was loose after the strike from Monkey D. Luffy, he was on the prowl and pokes it in!

Double backflip off the penalty spot from Spider-Man. Sonic the Hedgehog is on his knees clapping, Godzilla is screaming 'ARE YOU MENTAL?!' from forty yards away. The home end gets to their feet, flags flapping, scarves overhead. Raw.

Batman plays off King Kong, the return arrives right down the middle and Batman is free as a bird. Batman slides the ball across the ground in the box, Monkey D. Luffy arrives for the finish. Monkey D. Luffy plays the simple ball to Hulk, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. The wall from Monkey D. Luffy is perfect for Hulk who collects at full speed. Two passes, one defender eliminated. That is football. The scientist pulls it back along the ground for Spider-Man. The low cut-back is his trademark.

They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. The superhero sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. Spider-Man attempts an aggressive tackle but the attacker sidesteps and leaves him sliding into no-man's land. RED CARD! Barry Allen tugs the attacker's shirt as the last man. Desperate but necessary — he's off.

Goku punches {his} locker. The metallic bang echoes through the silent room. Nobody reacts because everyone understands. The frustration is suffocating, filling every corner of the dressing room like smoke. The gaffer waits for the noise to die before speaking: "Keep the anger for the pitch. Not in here." Unbelievable but true — Goku has been banned from three separate branches of Nando's for excessive use of the bottomless refill machine. He views it as a personal challenge, not a service. The man is 28 and shows no signs of slowing down. And now, our TV game show Bake Off the Rails! To win a soggy bottom certificate signed by Paul Hollywood, text 3412 and answer: 'What temperature should you bake a Victoria sponge if your oven only has two settings: warm and volcanic?' The whistle goes and twenty-two players get back to it. Goku claps {his} hands three times, {his} little pre-half ritual. Here we go.

Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something. Wally West puts it right into the feet of Batman, one touch and away. Silky stuff. The superhero finds Hulk along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Crafty ball from Hulk into the gap, Wally West arrives into the space and collects on the move.

It was bound to happen. München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score and honestly, we deserved that.

Goku gives it short to T'Challa from the free kick, tactical and cunning approach. Cross from T'Challa, he puts it on the far post for Batman. Lovely take from the player! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box.

SCRAMBLE after the superhero's corner! In that role, putting the ball in the right area from corners makes all the difference. Goku throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Waves of attack crashing down, something has to give soon.

Intense pressing from T'Challa, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. T'Challa puts Hulk into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Hulk floats a ball towards King Kong but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat. Interception from Hulk right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Hulk clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football.

They've scored! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Clearance from the player towards Hulk, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Sideways ball from Hulk to Spider-Man, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Spider-Man has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out. The player goes long for Wally West, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

It's open bar in both boxes, literally anything could happen now. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Ground pass from Spider-Man into the free zone for Batman, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post. Batman picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train.

Tough one against München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Godzilla and Goku are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. Doris from Bakewell says volcanic obviously and Paul Hollywood gave her an approving nod through the telly. Soggy bottom certificate is hers! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-1 (L)

The scientist reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Hulk beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Hulk dinks the ball with the toe of his boot, it sails over the keeper and drops in! GOOOAL! The CLASSIEST finish of the match, that is pure caviar!

Monkey D. Luffy tugs the shirt of the opponent, referee spots it straight away. Free kick. The wall blocks the ship captain's free kick! In that position, it's FRUSTRATING but the best ones adjust and eventually find a way through. Catastrophic corner from King Kong, straight into a goal kick, the crowd groans.

Godzilla plays it short to Goku, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Diagonal from Goku to King Kong, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Floated cross from King Kong off the right, T'Challa has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible. T'Challa crosses but a defender cuts out the delivery. No danger for the back line.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. The momentum has well and truly shifted, one-way traffic now. Sublime through ball from Barry Allen for Wally West who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken. Lightning overlap from Wally West, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides.

Godzilla catapults the ball towards Monkey D. Luffy from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Monkey D. Luffy produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Transition at warp speed, four passes and they're in the box. Ball in behind from the superhero, Monkey D. Luffy is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. The ship captain slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position.

The physio works on Barry Allen's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Barry Allen, you get in behind him the second we win it back. King Kong, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Now King Kong — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 180, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9090 and answer this question: 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?' And they are off! Godzilla touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. Batman unleashes one that smashes off the bar and bounces out! The keeper hadn't moved! The player goes long for Spider-Man, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

Monkey D. Luffy drops a lofted ball to King Kong, it sails over the entire midfield line. The player dominates his marker in the air with insulting ease. That kind of aerial mastery in that position makes a team unbeatable from set pieces. Burst of speed from the player down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. King Kong slides the ball along the ground for Monkey D. Luffy, the keeper is stranded on this cut-back. Monkey D. Luffy fires but a defender dives in and blocks the shot! The human wall holds firm.

High press all over the pitch, even the keeper is getting closed down. Batman nicks the ball off the opposition forty yards from goal. The pressing intensity is suffocating for the defence. Good ball from the superhero to Wally West, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Clearance from Sonic the Hedgehog under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. The player finds Spider-Man along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The superhero bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match.

GOAAAL for London Three-Pints! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

The pile at the corner flag. Godzilla is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Godzilla arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Short restart from the player to Goku, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Goku is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion. The player gathers the ball in his zone. In that position, knowing how to come out and claim a cross is as valuable as a reflex save. Sonic the Hedgehog lays it off first time to Barry Allen, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Barry Allen plays the simple ball to Spider-Man, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated.

Level at the final whistle. Wally West and King Kong walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Beryl Curtain-Twitch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'In what year did queueing become a competitive sport in Britain?'. The answer was of course 1847, and Team GB has won gold at every Olympics since, though nobody noticed because the medal ceremony queue was too long. Beryl wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'