My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

84-128 (L)

Won it clean! Aquaman got up and over him with room to spare.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Two guys on the exact same page, Jesser and Jesus Christ, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the youtuber, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the messiah made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. There is nothing accidental about that one. Jesus Christ hunted the contact, sold it, and bought himself a trip to the stripe. First one drops clean through, the second one never even touches iron. Cold blooded from Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ plants himself in front of the Detroit Engine-Roar bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

End of the first half. Robert Oppenheimer is beet red but still standing. Quick anecdote about Robert Oppenheimer: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. And now, our halftime TV game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! To win a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0759 and answer this question: 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.

Baseline spin from Jesser at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Missed layup for the youtuber and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Over the top of everybody. Jesus Christ to Jesser in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Off the pin-down comes the youtuber with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Jesser rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The crossover comes, Jesus Christ bites hard, and the lane opens up like the front door was left unlocked. The superhero puts a shoulder into the ball handler and pays for it. He spends all day being polite to strangers and now he is hacking people for a living.

Nobody cut, nobody screened, and Robert Oppenheimer was still surveying the floor when the clock hit zero. That is a giveaway, plain and simple.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the messiah, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Aquaman pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. No good. Aquaman rushed that one.

Genghis Khan pump fakes, gets the defender airborne, and walks right into his chest. Free throws. Look, it happens to everybody at some point. It does not usually happen with a full arena watching Genghis Khan do it in slow motion.

Huddle is tight, marker squeaking on the board, and Jesus Christ is already nodding before the coach finishes the sentence. Drawn up in the huddle, executed by the messiah, who clocks in somewhere else on Monday morning. Perfect.

Jesus Christ pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Jesser takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. And here is the answer to our game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! Elmer Sizemore of Wet Sock, Louisiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' The answer was of course ninety four degrees near the fan and ninety six everywhere else. Elmer therefore wins a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers! Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

81-126 (L)

The engineer just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Jesser blows the wide open layup!

Miami Heart-Attack again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Jesus Christ put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! BAAAANG! Jesus Christ from the logo, and the entire bench is on its feet losing its mind!

Jesus Christ hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Aquaman shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Jesser felt it, the bench felt it, the arena felt it, and the rim felt absolutely nothing.

End of the first half. Jesus Christ is beet red but still standing. Fun fact: Jesus Christ is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. And now, our halftime TV game show Win, Lose, or Shrug! To win a giant novelty check made out for two dollars, text HOOPS to 555-0075 and answer this question: 'How many pieces are missing from a jigsaw puzzle at a lake house?' The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.

SKIP PASS! Jesus Christ fires it cross court to Genghis Khan and the defense is dead in the water! A cut with that timing from the military leader? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. The military leader gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Jesus Christ spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! Feet already set, hands already ready. Jesus Christ takes the feed from Robert Oppenheimer and cashes it.

Down by the baseline, Jesus Christ points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Genghis Khan is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Miami Heart-Attack coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

WALLED OFF! Aquaman slides over and the paint is CLOSED for business. The box score will show nothing at all for the superhero, just a ruined shot and a shooter who will remember that wall all night.

More second chance points for Miami Heart-Attack, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Jesus Christ threw it before the help even committed. Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Jesser, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Jesser, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Jesus Christ makes it every single trip down the floor. STOP AND GO! Robert Oppenheimer hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. Clang. Robert Oppenheimer wants that one back.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Ball moves. Robert Oppenheimer to Jesser, on time and on target. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Jesser passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Shot clock at one, and Jesser just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Chased down from behind and wrapped up before he can get into his dribble, all courtesy of Robert Oppenheimer. Here comes the free throw parade.

Jesus Christ pulls his cap down over his eyes. Robert Oppenheimer doesn't have a cap, and it shows. And here is the answer to our game Win, Lose, or Shrug! Maxine Skaggs of Bitter Root Draw, New Jersey, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many pieces are missing from a jigsaw puzzle at a lake house?' The answer was of course two, always the same two, and one of them is sky. Maxine takes home a giant novelty check made out for two dollars! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

75-119 (L)

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Orlando Magic-Beans, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Here comes the slip from Genghis Khan, and Jesus Christ reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. That is a forced shot from the military leader that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Dribble handoff from Jesus Christ, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Gift wrapped by Jesus Christ, and Robert Oppenheimer cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Players head to the locker room. Aquaman has tape on three fingers. Confession: Aquaman tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. And now, our halftime TV game show Grand Prize Giveaway Extravaganza Deluxe! To win a wood chipper rated exclusively for grass clippings, text HOOPS to 555-1263 and answer this question: 'How many people in this country are named after a basketball game?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Genghis Khan beats him to the spot, absorbs the hit, and the official is already pointing the other way.

The youtuber makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Hesitate, GO. Robert Oppenheimer is by that hip before the man even blinks. That is the kind of finish that changes a defense's body language, and Robert Oppenheimer has already done it twice this quarter.

Pointing up at the family section, Robert Oppenheimer taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Orlando Magic-Beans with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Jesus Christ retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Ambition, ten out of ten. Footwork, two out of ten. Jesus Christ beat himself before the defender ever showed up.

BAAAANG! Ten straight for Robert Oppenheimer and this place is a volcano!

Buckets, dimes, and one absolute dagger from Aquaman to cap it off. This building is so loud the huddle cannot hear itself think. That is a coaching staff completely out of answers. Jesus Christ has taken this game over and the only tool left in the box is a stoppage.

The defender planted his feet, and Jesser said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Rip through, one dribble, contact. Jesser plays that little game better than anybody on this floor. Both knocked down without the slightest wobble. Free throws are just a shift on the clock, and the youtuber punched in on time.

Jesser plants himself in front of the Orlando Magic-Beans bench, hands on hips, and simply stands there until somebody says something. Somebody says something. Officials arrive at a jog. A teammate hauls him backward by the waist while the arena begs for more.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Jesus Christ, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Blocked into the floor. Jesus Christ will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Cold blooded from Orlando Magic-Beans, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Jesus Christ, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. That is a dime from Robert Oppenheimer that deserved so much better, and Jesus Christ knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Robert Oppenheimer's eyes are red, jaw tight. Jesser apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. And here is the answer to our game show Grand Prize Giveaway Extravaganza Deluxe! Ezra Bottomley of Grand Prairie Elbow, California, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many people in this country are named after a basketball game?' The answer was of course four thousand two hundred, and a suspicious number of them were born nine months after a title run. Ezra therefore wins a wood chipper rated exclusively for grass clippings! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

77-121 (L)

Jesus Christ kicks it over to Robert Oppenheimer, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Robert Oppenheimer holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Aquaman flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Rising up out of the corner, Aquaman sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Somebody explain how the messiah reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. From WAY downtown off the pop! Aquaman with the extra pass and CASH. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Genghis Khan should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Philadelphia Injury-Report in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Jesus Christ, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Jesus Christ fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Break. Genghis Khan asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Intel: Genghis Khan refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. And now, our halftime TV game show The Great American Trivia Barn! To win a plastic owl that is supposed to scare pigeons but does not, text HOOPS to 555-1183 and answer this question: 'Which knee does a former player mention first at a class reunion?' Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.

Bench energy is real currency over a long season, and Robert Oppenheimer just handed his teammates a full bank account. Somewhere there is a shift with the messiah written on it for tomorrow morning. Tonight he is out here erasing shots.

Clean feed from Jesus Christ, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Second pass beats the rotation, Robert Oppenheimer to Jesus Christ, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Catch, rise, splash. The messiah owns the cleanest jumper on this floor and still has a shift to work in the morning.

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Jesus Christ has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Aquaman precisely where the play wanted it. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Aquaman does. That is what heavy minutes do, Aquaman has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Jesus Christ launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. That is the third live-ball giveaway of the half, and each one has been the same read: Genghis Khan deciding late and throwing early.

The military leader is going shot for shot with the best scorer on this floor and refusing to flinch. On a weeknight. After a full shift.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Filthy defense from Genghis Khan. He never touched a thing and he still won the possession.

Court vision like that on the youtuber is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. The defense keeps turning contested looks by Robert Oppenheimer into free points. STOP REACHING. Boring is beautiful, and Robert Oppenheimer is automatic from the stripe. That is how you close a game out.

Blowing smoke off two fingers like a gunslinger, Robert Oppenheimer holsters them in his waistband. Genghis Khan plays dead on the baseline. The mascot joins the bit uninvited. A referee has to physically separate a celebration from an inbound play.

Genghis Khan claps his hands in frustration. Jesus Christ clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. And here is the answer to our game show The Great American Trivia Barn! Garland Shoemaker of Rickety Bridge, New York, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which knee does a former player mention first at a class reunion?' The answer was of course the left one, always, in every county we surveyed. Garland therefore wins a plastic owl that is supposed to scare pigeons but does not! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

86-130 (L)

The military leader just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Phoenix No-Defense with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The messiah just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Down, up, and gone for Jesus Christ. The rim is just toying with him now.

Day job, then this: the youtuber reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. The superhero had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Halftime. Genghis Khan throws his towel on the floor walking in. Did you know Genghis Khan once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase But Everyone Is Walking! To win a milk crate full of cassette tapes with no labels, text HOOPS to 555-0853 and answer this question: 'What is the record for most consecutive high fives that missed?' Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.

Shot clock violation! Aquaman owns the nail, the middle is a no fly zone, and that possession just expired in their hands. Tipped away by Genghis Khan! Loose ball, scramble, bodies everywhere, and it ends up in our hands.

Cold blooded from Phoenix No-Defense, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Total control. Jesus Christ has this thing on a string. A single dribble is all Robert Oppenheimer needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Robert Oppenheimer walk away from it.

Robert Oppenheimer deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. Genghis Khan arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Robert Oppenheimer forces a contested fadeaway with a hand in his face, front rim, and the drought rolls on. Horn goes, ball still in the hands of Robert Oppenheimer. Shot clock violation, and that possession never existed.

Jesus Christ feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Jesus Christ is walking back with both hands on his head.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Jesser has known that all night long. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Jesus Christ, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Getting to his spot and elevating, Jesus Christ puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Two defenders watching the ball, and Aquaman slips in behind both of them completely unbothered.

Aquaman does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Jesus Christ that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Swing, swing, and Robert Oppenheimer finds Aquaman on the wing before the help can even turn its head. OHHHH, what a read by Aquaman! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. The military leader misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Jesus Christ refuses Phoenix No-Defense's handshake. Jesser offers a limp one with just his fingertips. And here is the answer to our game show The Chase But Everyone Is Walking! Otis Wagstaff of Empty Barrel, Nevada, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the record for most consecutive high fives that missed?' The answer was of course forty one, set at a rec league in 1998 and never approached since. Otis therefore wins a milk crate full of cassette tapes with no labels! I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

99-111 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The military leader got moved off the block like a folding chair. That is a grown man's job down there.

The youtuber turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Three shots for Jesser. Worst foul in the sport.

Robert Oppenheimer turns and points at his teammates, and the entire bench comes up as one. Nobody gambles less and steals more than Genghis Khan. He does not reach, he anticipates, and that is the whole difference.

OHHHH here we go! Shoving under the rim, and Genghis Khan is right in the middle of it!

Break! Genghis Khan rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. True story: Genghis Khan walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Layup! To win a fondue set with three forks and no instructions, text HOOPS to 555-0347 and answer this question: 'How many folding chairs fit inside a regulation basketball hoop?' Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

Jesus Christ slides, closes out, recovers. The ball goes all the way around the perimeter and comes back with nothing. The engineer out here on the deck fighting for loose balls. Nobody pays him for that, and he could not care less.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The beauty of it is that Jesus Christ never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. So close. Aquaman can only stare at the iron.

Jesus Christ turns the corner off the screen from Genghis Khan, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! The military leader gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

The messiah is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Aquaman the moment he crosses half court. Not a hand on him. Aquaman flat missed the bunny.

Los Angeles Nursing-Home again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Jesus Christ controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Oldest play in the book, and Robert Oppenheimer runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. The youtuber just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! The youtuber just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

Jesser steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Jesus Christ splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Somebody show the rest of the league what the youtuber just did on that block. Footwork straight out of 1987!

Jesser hangs on the rim one extra beat, letting the whole arena wait on him, then drops down into a dead-eyed mean mug. Aquaman shoves him in the chest just to get a reaction. Nothing. Stone face on a man who just changed the game.

Jesus Christ leaves the court at a jog. Aquaman stays there, planted at center court, motionless. And here is the answer to our game show Name That Layup! Vernon Dinkins of Cold Supper, Missouri, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many folding chairs fit inside a regulation basketball hoop?' The answer was of course none, and the fact that somebody tried is the real story here. Vernon therefore wins a fondue set with three forks and no instructions! Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

84-127 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Genghis Khan rips it out of the air and we are off.

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Set called, Aquaman waved out to the corner, and Jesus Christ watches the spacing open up like a front door. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Aquaman pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Aquaman, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

The engineer just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. A cut with that timing from the youtuber? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Jesser goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The players head in. Genghis Khan slips on the wet tunnel floor. Juicy anecdote: Genghis Khan was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. And now, our halftime TV game show Match Game Seventy-Eight and a Half! To win a hand-crank ice cream maker missing the crank, text HOOPS to 555-0413 and answer this question: 'What is the average lifespan of an ink pen at a bank?' Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.

Somebody explain the arc to the military leader. He gave away three shots on a prayer, and you can watch the coach age in real time.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The superhero swatted that one off the glass and handed over two free points. Somebody go over the cylinder rule at the next staff meeting.

Aquaman gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Jesser saw it a beat early. OHHHH the pocket pass! Aquaman splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! The messiah gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Full stop, full sprint, and the youtuber is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. Jesser rose straight over the top of him, and one.

The defender climbs right over the top of Aquaman for the rebound, and there was nothing gentle about it.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The superhero is holding the low block against a professional big man. Nobody had that on the card tonight. Rebound to fast break in one motion, courtesy of the superhero. That is not a hobby, that is a skill set. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Jesus Christ scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Not pretty, but this is arithmetic now. Jesser trades one foul for one more possession, and down five with a minute left, that math works.

Jesus Christ sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Genghis Khan winces. And here is the answer to our game Match Game Seventy-Eight and a Half! Roscoe Tidwell of Frog Level, Alabama, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the average lifespan of an ink pen at a bank?' The answer was of course nine minutes, after which it goes home with a man named Gary. Roscoe takes home a hand-crank ice cream maker missing the crank! On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

81-126 (L)

Jesus Christ comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Genghis Khan just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Buzzer on the shot clock, Genghis Khan heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Two defenders collide on the handoff and Robert Oppenheimer is gone, so Jesus Christ earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Pull-up from the elbow by Robert Oppenheimer, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the youtuber, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. A full spin move through traffic from the messiah! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. The messiah launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The players head to the locker room. Genghis Khan is sweating like a racehorse. Physio's confession: Genghis Khan purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. And now, our halftime TV game show Deal or No Deal or Maybe! To win a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap, text HOOPS to 555-0396 and answer this question: 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

You can read it right off the scoreboard: not one point since the last stoppage, and Aquaman is pressing badly now. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Genghis Khan dribbles it out at the top of the key and never even looks at the basket.

OHHHH the pin-down! Jesus Christ pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Jesser. Brutal. Somebody check that job title again: the messiah hanging in the air like the paint owes him rent, and finishing anyway.

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Robert Oppenheimer is barking at the official, arms out, eyes wide, and there it is. The T comes flying in. Two technicals and the engineer is out. Whatever happened at work today, he clearly brought every bit of it to the arena.

Shot is up, Aquaman loses the wrestling match on the block, and the ball comes down in enemy hands.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

No hero ball here: Robert Oppenheimer takes what the defense gives and moves it along. The messiah just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! That is the shot Robert Oppenheimer wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The messiah is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. The engineer turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Nasty finish. Robert Oppenheimer hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Robert Oppenheimer disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Jesser is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

Back at the shop they have got this review up on every phone with the messiah in the frame, and nobody is getting any work done. Brutal for the messiah, who owned the shot of a lifetime for about ninety seconds. Back to the day job with nothing but the story.

Jesus Christ's lip is trembling. Jesser dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. And here is the answer to our game Deal or No Deal or Maybe! Marlene Hufnagel of North Elbow, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the top speed of a shopping cart with one bad wheel?' The answer was of course whatever speed produces the most noise. Marlene takes home a novelty belt buckle roughly the size of a hubcap! Did you know that Jesser practices messiah on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

88-133 (L)

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The engineer reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. REJECTED! Robert Oppenheimer takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

Reach-in on the superhero. He tried to take the ball the way he takes everything else on the job, politely and with both hands. No argument at all. Aquaman claps once, hands the ball to the official and heads for the chair. Four fouls, night on pause.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Robert Oppenheimer slips it to Genghis Khan right in the pocket. Surgical. The military leader just traveled so obviously the referee did not even need a second look. Stick to the day job, my guy.

Halftime whistle. Aquaman high-fives his teammates on the way out. Rumor has it Aquaman talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. And now, our halftime TV game show Lingo Bingo Combo Hour! To win a patio heater that produces light but no heat whatsoever, text HOOPS to 555-0876 and answer this question: 'How much does a championship banner weigh once the dust settles?' Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Jesus Christ walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Rough look for the youtuber there. In his line of work you get to take that one back, out here it is two points going the other way.

The messiah runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. The engineer gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Jesser makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. OHHHH! Jesus Christ went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Free throw coming the other way and the coach is STILL talking. Robert Oppenheimer finally gets him seated, and this building is ROARING.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Jesser just did it by hitting Aquaman on the back side with acres of room. One little shoulder dip from Aquaman and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Two points left on the floor by Aquaman, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Laser from Jesser, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The defender crowded the middle, and Robert Oppenheimer punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. A jump hook over a grown professional defender, from the engineer? That is the most unexpected fundamentals clinic of the night.

Timeout. Tablet out. And every line the coach draws starts with Genghis Khan. That is the third time out of a timeout tonight that Jesus Christ has gotten a look this clean. The whiteboard is undefeated.

Jesus Christ's lip is trembling. Jesser dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. And here is the answer to our game show Lingo Bingo Combo Hour! Faye Ellen Hocutt of Turnip Hollow, Maryland, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How much does a championship banner weigh once the dust settles?' The answer was of course eleven pounds of fabric and about a hundred pounds of expectation. Faye Ellen therefore wins a patio heater that produces light but no heat whatsoever! On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

80-124 (L)

Aquaman controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Under review. Genghis Khan does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. The bench behind Genghis Khan is going crazy, and it should be, that is a stolen possession without stealing anything.

Laser from Jesus Christ, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. The military leader pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Genghis Khan!

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The players disappear into the tunnel. Genghis Khan asks for an ice pack. Little scoop: Genghis Khan tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. And now, our halftime TV game show Scrabble But With Numbers! To win a stack of forty three unread warranty cards, text HOOPS to 555-0736 and answer this question: 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Jesus Christ already has the defense a full step behind. Right through the window. Jesser to Aquaman on the roll, and the help was a half step late. Awful shot by Aquaman with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Robert Oppenheimer keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Robert Oppenheimer nothing.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Over the top of everybody. Robert Oppenheimer to Aquaman in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Aquaman! Nothing but runway to the rim! Textbook footwork, textbook release from Genghis Khan, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

The messiah makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Here comes Jesus Christ sprinting off the elbow. Jesser slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Off the back iron for Jesus Christ, that one had all the distance and none of the accuracy, and the board goes the other way.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Jesus Christ drops it off to Aquaman on time and on target. One hard step and Aquaman owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Aquaman.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

POCKET PASS! Robert Oppenheimer threads it to Aquaman between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Watch the footwork from Aquaman: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Aquaman does the bit whole team practiced in the hotel: a slow-motion handshake with Robert Oppenheimer that goes on far too long, sound effects included. Six full seconds. The referee stands there holding the ball. Neither man breaks character.

The strategy of the desperate, executed to perfection by Robert Oppenheimer. Foul, stop the clock, pray at the other end, repeat.

Genghis Khan walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Aquaman speeds up. Wants it to be over. And here is the answer to our game show Scrabble But With Numbers! Nadine Frankenberry of Pothole Junction, Iowa, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many numbers are on a jersey that has no numbers?' The answer was of course one, and it is invisible, and it is a seven. Nadine therefore wins a stack of forty three unread warranty cards! Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

80-124 (L)

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Jesser breaks a shell down. Screened, toasted, done. Aquaman is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. The superhero spots up in the corner and drills it like it is nothing. Somewhere a shooting coach is crying tears of joy.

Stone silence for one second, then Aquaman lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Robert Oppenheimer answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Help defense from the military leader! Somebody in this league is getting paid millions to be a full step slower than that.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The zone is set with Robert Oppenheimer anchoring the middle of it and there is NOWHERE to go! Genghis Khan tips the pass, hits the floor after it, and comes up out of the pile with possession.

Rest time. Genghis Khan isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Fun fact: Genghis Khan failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. And now, our halftime TV game show Second Chance Second Half! To win a hand painted mailbox shaped like a catfish, text HOOPS to 555-1006 and answer this question: 'What is the population of a town on the night of a rivalry game?' Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Jesus Christ rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the messiah! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Watch the spacing there, Jesus Christ hits Robert Oppenheimer right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. GONE down the baseline! Robert Oppenheimer beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. The engineer gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Jesus Christ hands it off to Robert Oppenheimer, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. BANG is what Jesus Christ was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Jesus Christ crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. That is the shot chart lying to you. Jesus Christ did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Extra possessions decide games this tight, and Aquaman has now surrendered three of them in the paint tonight.

That is the third body Aquaman has turned away this quarter, and the entire lane is starting to think twice about coming in. Everything starts with that release, Aquaman hitting Robert Oppenheimer in full flight before the defense has even turned around. Steal, sprint, slam. Robert Oppenheimer takes the Jesser feed and puts it down before anyone gets back.

Robert Oppenheimer points at Genghis Khan first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Genghis Khan again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Genghis Khan waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

Ball moves. Jesser to Genghis Khan, on time and on target. Nobody is getting a hand near that. Genghis Khan has all the room in the world. The crowd has found its chant, and Genghis Khan is going to be hearing it all night.

Genghis Khan and Robert Oppenheimer walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. And here is the answer to our game show Second Chance Second Half! Hoyt Pennington of Dishrag Springs, Oregon, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the population of a town on the night of a rivalry game?' The answer was of course the whole town plus forty people who moved away in 1987. Hoyt therefore wins a hand painted mailbox shaped like a catfish! During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

85-130 (L)

Tip goes to the military leader, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Over the top of everybody. Jesus Christ to Jesser in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Left, right, gone. Jesser put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Jesser, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

OHHHH that is filthy! Jesus Christ on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. DOUBLE DRIBBLE! Jesser picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

The players disappear into the tunnel. Jesus Christ asks for an ice pack. Confession: Jesus Christ tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. And now, our halftime TV game show Guess My Salary Cap! To win a sun visor that says FLORIDA but was manufactured in Indiana, text HOOPS to 555-1136 and answer this question: 'What is the exact salary of a mascot with no contract?' The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Jesser rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Getting to his spot and elevating, Jesser puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Ball into Jesus Christ at the elbow, Jesser plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Long and gone. Jesser floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Somebody explain how the messiah reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. Watch Jesus Christ plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Genghis Khan out of that corner in a blink. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the military leader! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Backcourt violation on Jesser, and that groan around the arena tells you how avoidable it was.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Robert Oppenheimer makes it every single trip down the floor. Jesus Christ attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Jesser threads a BEAUTY to Jesus Christ under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Jesser just did it by hitting Genghis Khan on the back side with acres of room. Jesus Christ eats the contact so Genghis Khan can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Somebody show the rest of the league what the military leader just did on that block. Footwork straight out of 1987!

Pointing up at the family section, Genghis Khan taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

HERE IT COMES! Every soul in this gym knows the ball is going to Aquaman, and it may not matter one bit. Coach spent a timeout on a play for the youtuber and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

Jesser is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Robert Oppenheimer waits at the tunnel entrance. And here is the answer to our game show Guess My Salary Cap! Marvin Hollopeter of Sandy Britches, New Jersey, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact salary of a mascot with no contract?' The answer was of course free pizza on Thursdays and all the applause he can carry. Marvin therefore wins a sun visor that says FLORIDA but was manufactured in Indiana! I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

78-122 (L)

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Unsportsmanlike foul on Robert Oppenheimer, and this one costs double. The engineer gets clotheslined and pops right back up. Two shots, the ball, and a story for every customer he sees this week.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Robert Oppenheimer stopped the break and started a much bigger problem. Two free throws, the ball right back, and the officials heading to the monitor.

Jesser kicks it over to Jesus Christ, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. A full spin move through traffic from the messiah! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Perfect arc. Jesus Christ makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Jesus Christ stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

Halftime. Robert Oppenheimer is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Little secret: Robert Oppenheimer listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Ankle! To win a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska, text HOOPS to 555-0212 and answer this question: 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

The youtuber just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Soft touch from Jesser, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

Nobody on the bench is sitting. Not the coaches, not the trainers, not the guy in the suit who never plays. Jesser points at all of them at once with both hands. Towels come down like weather and the officials wait it out with the patience of the doomed.

OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Jesus Christ left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the messiah! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Clean feed from Jesus Christ, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. The youtuber just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Jesser beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Jesus Christ and Genghis Khan just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Wide open at the top of the key and Jesus Christ cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Personal foul on the youtuber. Somewhere a shift is going uncovered and not one soul in this arena cares. Fourth foul on the youtuber and he is headed for the bench. Longest break the man has had since he took that job.

SKIP PASS! Robert Oppenheimer fires it cross court to Genghis Khan and the defense is dead in the water! Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the military leader made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Third one of these from Genghis Khan this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

The youtuber takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Jesser he is on the wrong end of it.

Aquaman isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Jesus Christ tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. And here is the answer to our game The Weakest Ankle! Delbert Yoakum of Cold Biscuit, Missouri, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' The answer was of course fifteen, though eleven of those are purely spiritual. Delbert takes home a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

82-126 (L)

Give and go! Robert Oppenheimer gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Nobody touched him, nobody trapped him, and Robert Oppenheimer still coughed it up. Easiest whistle these officials will blow all night.

That is a clean blow-by on Genghis Khan, and the help defense was nowhere in the same area code.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Push the pace! Jesus Christ grabs it and hits Jesser in stride before the defense can even match up. Jesser comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! The youtuber had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Off to the locker room. Jesser has already drained two water bottles. Did you know? Jesser has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. And now, our halftime TV game show Card Sharks and Minnows! To win a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz, text HOOPS to 555-0209 and answer this question: 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Jesus Christ breaks a shell down. The military leader just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. BANG! Genghis Khan steps back, creates the daylight, and buries it right in the defender's eye.

The messiah got tossed for scrapping under the basket. Deal with the public all week long and eventually somebody catches a piece of it.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

A cruel spin-out for the engineer, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart. You want to know why this team keeps winning the possession battle? Genghis Khan treats every miss like it belongs to him. Second chance points for Genghis Khan, tipping his own miss straight back in before his feet ever touched the floor.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Genghis Khan disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Jesus Christ is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Four minutes without a point for Robert Oppenheimer and his group. The offense has completely seized up. Second shot clock violation of the half with Aquaman holding it too long. Live possessions are too expensive to hand back like that.

This is the counter: Jesus Christ punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the military leader, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

A youtuber breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Textbook footwork, textbook release from Jesser, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Jesus Christ stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. The messiah misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Genghis Khan leaves the court at a jog. Jesus Christ stays there, planted at center court, motionless. And here is the answer to our game Card Sharks and Minnows! Norma Jean Slaughterbeck of Grease Rack, Indiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' The answer was of course approximately one confident toddler. Norma Jean takes home a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz! Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

89-133 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Genghis Khan who wins the little argument at center court.

Personal foul on the messiah. Somewhere a shift is going uncovered and not one soul in this arena cares.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Look at that bench! Genghis Khan just lit the fuse! OHHHH, Aquaman just took that thing right out of his hands!

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Jesus Christ. Straight back to the office for the messiah, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

First half is done. Aquaman is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Locker room intel: Aquaman has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feudal! To win a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage, text HOOPS to 555-0263 and answer this question: 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Jesus Christ never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Jesus Christ had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

The youtuber just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Jesser is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Jesus Christ gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Robert Oppenheimer saw it a beat early. Kick out to Jesus Christ, one more to Robert Oppenheimer, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Robert Oppenheimer missed that one with real conviction.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Watch the change of pace from Jesser, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the youtuber is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

OHHHH the hesi! Jesser froze him solid and he is already gone! Up goes the shot from Jesser and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Perfect drop-off from Genghis Khan, and Jesser answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone. The youtuber outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. Unselfish basketball. Jesser passes up a good shot and hands Robert Oppenheimer a GREAT one. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the engineer goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

Robert Oppenheimer freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

Jesser looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Genghis Khan looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. And here is the answer to our game Family Feudal! Randy Dinkins of Sockburn, Ohio, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The answer was of course still yellow, but it means something different. Randy takes home a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage! On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Genghis Khan. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?