My dream soccer team — football_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-2 (L)

Royal interception from Billie Joe Armstrong! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. GOOOAL from the movie actor/actress! Undefendable long-range rocket. In that position, when you have a foot capable of unleashing from anywhere, you become a nightmare for defences.

Usain Bolt gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Donald Trump just needs to sidefoot it home. Donald Trump with the goal gaping thanks to Captain America... and he sends it over the crossbar. We cannot believe it. Short restart from Goku to Hulk, building from the back nice and tidy.

Batman aims the corner to the back post but it is headed clear by the defence. The superhero switches the play to Usain Bolt, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Usain Bolt picks out Billie Joe Armstrong with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Billie Joe Armstrong sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced.

What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. Hulk threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Hulk bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. Offside by a toenail for the scientist, Barry Allen can't believe the flag went up.

Captain America feeds Usain Bolt in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Hulk pings a ridiculous diagonal to Barry Allen. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

The keeper slams {his} gloves against the wall: "I cannot do it all on my own! Where is the protection?!" Hulk takes the hit without responding. Hulk drops {his} head. The gaffer intervenes: "Nobody is pointing fingers. We are ALL in this mess together. Now we get ourselves out of it. Together." Michael Jackson once tried to negotiate a personal sponsorship deal with a local car wash and was politely told the 68-year-old didn't have 'the right brand synergy.' The car wash later went bust — karma, some say. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 2244 and answer this question: 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?' And they are off! Michael Jackson touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Oh it's gone in! Paris Saint-Glinglin find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Goku points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Hulk comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Brilliant switch of play from Usain Bolt! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Donald Trump. Lazy pass from Donald Trump, the ball drags along the ground and an opponent strolls over to collect. Barry Allen leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Barry Allen whips the ball into the box from the free kick, Hulk throws himself at it for a header.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. The superhero reads the movement before anyone else and puts Usain Bolt into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game.

GOAL! Paris Saint-Glinglin are celebrating! Their attacker made it look far too easy.

Barry Allen plays off Captain America, the return arrives right down the middle and Barry Allen is free as a bird. The superhero was beyond the last man when Billie Joe Armstrong played it. Clear offside. Tidy restart from Goku along the deck to Usain Bolt, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Lay-off from Usain Bolt to Billie Joe Armstrong, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Billie Joe Armstrong beats the defender with a double touch, escaping in a tight space. Strong.

The corner from Michael Jackson is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in. Usain Bolt opens up to Billie Joe Armstrong on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Billie Joe Armstrong accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Dribble attempt aborted for Billie Joe Armstrong, the defender reads the play and steps in. Donald Trump anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence.

The free kick from Usain Bolt is floated in, Batman makes his run to the back post. The superhero sees his cross deflected behind for a corner. It happens, but you have got to keep delivering from that side.

That hurts. Hulk leans against the tunnel wall, eyes closed, letting the cold concrete cool his head. Hulk stops beside him: "We go again Saturday." Hulk nods, but right now Saturday feels like a lifetime away. The bus is quiet. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Norman Pebbledash, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many kettles are boiling at any given moment in Britain?'. The answer was of course 27 million, and that number doubles during any form of national crisis or EastEnders cliffhanger. Norman wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

1-1 (L)

They've nicked a goal! México No-Era-Penal catch us cold on the break.

Billie Joe Armstrong with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. The movie actor/actress spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Donald Trump. That is exactly why he is out there. GOOOAL from the investor! World class placed finish! In that position, knowing how to find the bottom corner like that is what makes the great players.

Panicked clearance from Hulk, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. Long kick from Goku, Usain Bolt positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Magnificent leap from Usain Bolt who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. Overlap from Usain Bolt on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed.

Goku catapults the ball towards Michael Jackson from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Raking ball from the philanthropist to Hulk, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. Hulk wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession. Massive clearance from the scientist under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Header won by Donald Trump, he makes it look effortless in the air. He is an aerial brick wall.

The investor plays it simple to Captain America, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Driven cross from Captain America into the box, Michael Jackson arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. Michael Jackson wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination. Sideways ball from Michael Jackson to Hulk, switching the point of attack, stretching the block.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Hulk, stop dropping deep. Hulk, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. Now we've learned that Usain Bolt has completed every single crossword in the back of the Metro newspaper for the past four years. Never missed one. The squad calls him 'The Professor,' which is a bit generous, but at 40, let the man have his moment. And now, our TV game show Dragon's Den of Iniquity! To win a genuine Peter Jones raised eyebrow, text 5123 and answer: 'For that reason, how many dragons are typically out?' Back on the pitch and Donald Trump is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Donald Trump swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Usain Bolt, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Lay-off from Usain Bolt to Usain Bolt out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. The flag goes up against Usain Bolt. He was leaning offside when Captain America struck the pass. Goku takes his time and plays it short to Batman. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. Batman explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening.

Quick throw from Goku to Michael Jackson out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Diagonal from Michael Jackson to Batman, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good cross from the superhero for Billie Joe Armstrong in the area. The bare minimum for a wide player, but done with surgical quality.

Textbook low block, the opposition can't find a way through at all. Ball claimed in both hands by Goku in his box. Subtle gesture but ultra effective. Top top level. Goku smashes a volley towards Donald Trump, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. The investor opens up to Usain Bolt on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

Long ball from Goku for Hulk who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Superb diagonal from the scientist to Michael Jackson, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Michael Jackson crosses from the left side, the ball hangs in the area, Billie Joe Armstrong is in the right place. The cross from the movie actor/actress is blocked by a defender. That is the risk when you deliver from that area, the defence is watching.

Usain Bolt gifts Billie Joe Armstrong a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal. Goku flings himself at the feet and gathers! Brave goalkeeping, the keeper sacrificed everything to save his side. Ultra-compact low block, couldn't get a needle through this. Crucial intervention from the investor, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Emergency clearance from the investor, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

The free kick from Michael Jackson clears the defence and finds Usain Bolt in the danger area. Dominant header from Usain Bolt on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. Overlap from Usain Bolt on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Usain Bolt steps across the opponent and impedes the run. Obstruction. Free kick. The free kick is played as a short pass by Usain Bolt, Barry Allen picks it up and drives forward.

Level at the final whistle. Michael Jackson and Hulk walk side by side toward the tunnel without a word. The rain is drizzling gently. A point isn't great, isn't disaster — just exactly what today was worth. The dressing room will be quiet. Janice from Bristol says typically all five dragons are out but they wish you the very best of luck. Raised eyebrow for Janice! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

1-0 (W)

Goku opts for the short option to Billie Joe Armstrong, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Short build-up from Billie Joe Armstrong to Hulk, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Hulk does not hesitate, he winds up from distance and SMASHES it! The ball finds the top corner, GOAL!

The farmer throws it out to Usain Bolt, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Long ball from Usain Bolt to Donald Trump, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. The investor finds Hulk along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Body feint from the scientist, the defender is eliminated. When you have got that technique in that role, you cause carnage.

Usain Bolt drops the ball in from the free kick, Captain America arrives at the near post. Captain America sends his cross in but the defender shuts the door at the near post. Massive clearance from Usain Bolt in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Donald Trump is beaten to the header by the opposition striker, he was a fraction late on the timing of his jump.

Goku lumps it long towards Batman, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Aerial duel lost by the superhero, outmuscled by the attacker. It happens to the best, but in that role you need to bounce back fast. Perfect aerial claim from Goku! He gathers the cross in his box, that is SOLID. Captain America plays the simple ball to Barry Allen, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Short pass from the superhero to Billie Joe Armstrong, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Lovely use of the ball by Barry Allen, finding Hulk in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Smart pass from Hulk into the hole for Hulk, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football.

Michael Jackson starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Hulk conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." And finally — Michael Jackson was once mistaken for a bouncer outside a kebab shop in Romford at two in the morning. Instead of correcting them, he stood there for forty minutes checking IDs. At 175, nobody questioned it. The man is 68 and a born professional. And now, our TV game show Catchphrase It Yourself! To win a complete set of Allen keys from IKEA, text 0800FLAT and answer: 'How many leftover screws is it acceptable to have after building a Billy bookcase?' Goku leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Hulk gives it to Batman and gets it back, the one-two is spot on, Hulk is away. The scientist rolls it back along the ground for Billie Joe Armstrong. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches. WHAT A REFLEX from Goku! That shot was heading under the bar and he clawed it out with an iron fist! Goku launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Barry Allen after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Attempted pass from Barry Allen to Billie Joe Armstrong, but it is way too firm, flies out for a throw-in on the far side.

Everything grinds to a halt as VAR takes over. You could hear a pin drop in here. The video review is conclusive: Billie Joe Armstrong deserves red, he's off! The movie actor/actress has been sent off for violent conduct. A player in that role should know better than to throw his hands around. Billie Joe Armstrong shapes to shoot but plays it short to Captain America, the defence is caught flat-footed.

Barry Allen slides in but gets the man before the ball. Free kick, no complaints. Free kick from Barry Allen, it hits the wall and comes back. Nothing to report. Totally wasted corner from Captain America, the ball ends up miles from the box, shameful.

Billie Joe Armstrong boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. The movie actor/actress shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Michael Jackson. Pure quality, as per usual. The philanthropist gets to the byline and floats one in for Batman. Crossing is his bread and butter. The superhero is beaten to the header by his marker. In that position, a lost duel like that is a warning sign. Ball plucked out of the air by Goku, total composure.

Monster clearance from Hulk! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Goku finds Billie Joe Armstrong with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Billie Joe Armstrong rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone. Blistering run from Billie Joe Armstrong on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up.

Victory! Usain Bolt and Goku lead the squad in a huddle, bouncing and chanting something the microphones can't quite pick up. Probably for the best. Casablanca Dima-Maghrib have left the pitch but we're not done yet. The stadium DJ puts on a banger and nobody wants to go home. Ingrid from Milton Keynes says three leftover screws is fine but anything above five and the whole thing is coming down. Allen keys for Ingrid! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Every throw-in becomes a corner, every corner becomes a chance. Captain America rises majestically and meets the ball with his HEEEEEAD! The keeper bows, GOOOOAL!

Captain America mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Batman plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Goku plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Goku distributes short to Michael Jackson, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. The philanthropist opens up to Donald Trump on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Donald Trump links up with Usain Bolt, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Usain Bolt eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical.

Captain America slips Batman in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. The superhero starts a one-two with Hulk, give and go. In that position it is the basics, but he does it with outrageous class. The superhero jumps the gun on Captain America's pass. Offside, free kick to the defence. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating.

Donald Trump shifts it to Hulk with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Hulk charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. The scientist whips in a classic cross for Donald Trump in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Lovely take from the farmer! Aerial command nailed down, that is what you ask of a modern keeper, to rule his box.

The farmer goes long for Billie Joe Armstrong, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Billie Joe Armstrong loses the header in the box, the opponent imposed himself physically. Dangerous situation. The farmer plucks the cross with both hands. In that position, when you have that authority in the air, your defence plays with their eyes closed. Barry Allen gives it to Donald Trump into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

Hulk paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Hulk exhales and sits. We're told that Barry Allen once auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing during the off-season. Didn't make it past the first round, but Craig Revel Horwood apparently said his footwork was 'not entirely dreadful,' which is high praise from that man. And now, our TV game show Blankety Blank Cheque! To win a chequebook that expired in 2003, text 4234 and answer: 'What does a British person say when they accidentally make eye contact on the Tube?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Hulk knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Short distribution from Goku to Donald Trump, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Donald Trump intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch.

Goku goes long for Hulk, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Wing switch from Hulk, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Hulk brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Hulk picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Free kick conceded by Hulk, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. The free kick is taken quickly, Hulk to Hulk who drives forward immediately.

It's in! Dakar Teranga FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

The pile at the corner flag. Goku is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Goku arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

Clearance from Hulk under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. The farmer finds Usain Bolt with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Usain Bolt launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever.

Good ball from the scientist to Batman, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Batman shifts it wide to Hulk on the right, lovely ball into the space.

The corner from the superhero is cleared with ease. In that position, when the defence keeps heading it away, it is time to change the game plan on corners. Hulk throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Goku sparks the transition with a quick throw to Hulk, the break is lightning fast.

Honours even. Usain Bolt swaps shirts with one of the Dakar Teranga FC lads, tight smile. "See you again next week, yeah?" quips Batman, laughing. Everyone laughs. Inside, everyone knows this was three points we should've had. Kenneth from Guildford says you mouth the word sorry seventeen times without making a sound. The expired chequebook is his! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-1 (W)

Smooth transition from Hulk to Barry Allen, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Barry Allen gives it to Batman and bursts in behind the marker. The return arrives in stride. Perfection. Barry Allen plays football of the GREATS! Solo run of 40 yards, dribbles galore, and perfect finish. GOAL!

Hulk and Captain America do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Goku arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Usain Bolt hounds the goalkeeper on his distribution and wins the ball on the edge of the box. Audacity rewarded. Sharp cut inside from Usain Bolt, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL! Usain Bolt places his shot into the bottom corner from the cross by Michael Jackson, surgical finish!

The referee adds more time, this match simply will not end! Quick one-two between Michael Jackson and Hulk, clean as you like, they are moving forward. The scientist wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice.

Quick exchange between Usain Bolt and Billie Joe Armstrong, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Billie Joe Armstrong to Michael Jackson, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Textbook lay-off from Michael Jackson to Billie Joe Armstrong who suddenly has ten yards of daylight ahead of him. Highway. The assistant spots it, Billie Joe Armstrong was offside by a whisker when Usain Bolt played the ball.

Flawless defense, players throwing their bodies on the line to protect the goal. Billie Joe Armstrong absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. The movie actor/actress opens up to Hulk on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

Goku mimics the referee's running style down the corridor and the entire dressing room loses it. Even the kit man is doubled over. Captain America wipes tears from {his} eyes. The gaffer tries to bring order but cracks a smile himself. "Alright, alright, save the comedy for after the match. We have got 45 minutes to see this through." Hulk attempted a Jamie Oliver fifteen-minute meal that took the 28-year-old two and a half hours and resulted in what witnesses described as 'a crime against pasta.' The smoke alarm went off thrice. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6767 and answer this question: 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?' Back on the pitch and Hulk is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Hulk cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Hulk clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. Driven kick from Goku to Hulk, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Burst of speed from the scientist down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs.

Rapid combination: Michael Jackson to Usain Bolt, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Cut-back from Usain Bolt along the deck, the ball skids past the defence and finds Billie Joe Armstrong centrally. Billie Joe Armstrong shoots but it cannons off the defender's legs. The shot is denied. The superhero boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Usain Bolt is eaten alive in the air by the attacker, the duel is lost beyond any doubt. Pure power won the day.

Ball in behind from the philanthropist, Usain Bolt is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. OHHH it's gone past by a whisker! Usain Bolt strikes and the ball grazes the right-hand post. Goku hoofs it forward towards Usain Bolt, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Usain Bolt slides it to Barry Allen, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Intense pressing from the superhero, he wins the ball in the opposition half. When you have that engine in that role, you suffocate any team.

And it's a goal! Douala Makossa-Corner punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Barry Allen pings a long diagonal to Usain Bolt, completely shifts the point of attack. The opponent gets the better of Usain Bolt in the aerial duel. Too small, too light, not high enough. It is cruel but that is football. Authoritative clearance from Usain Bolt in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

Batman turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Hulk. The defence did not even have time to blink. Hulk winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Usain Bolt launches it to Hulk on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective.

Full time, full joy! Michael Jackson walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Usain Bolt carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Douala Makossa-Corner are yesterday's news. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the collective noun for a group of caravans blocking a road?'. The answer was of course a Frustration of Caravans, not to be confused with a Despair of Tractors. Valerie wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-1 (W)

Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Usain Bolt picks up the ball and decides to go end to end, defenders fall one by one. GOOOAL from Usain Bolt! The keeper rushes out, Usain Bolt sends a lob with the OUTSIDE of his boot and the ball settles delicately into the empty net. VELVET, that is BEAUTIFUL!

'I told you so' mode. Usain Bolt eyeballs the Lagos No-Carry-Last bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Captain America pulls Usain Bolt away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Usain Bolt puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like. Usain Bolt picks it up in his own half and charges forward on his own, he beats two on the way! Usain Bolt lobs the keeper with DISCONCERTING ease! A little dink with the right foot, the ball sails over the keeper and lands in the net. GOAL of WORLD CLASS quality!

Usain Bolt climbs onto Captain America's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Goku circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Instant break, the opposition are caught on their heels and punished. Lightning overlap from Usain Bolt, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Usain Bolt tries to power past but the defender stands firm and wins the ball. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z.

What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. The superhero devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match. Barry Allen tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it. Goku plays out from the back with Billie Joe Armstrong, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Billie Joe Armstrong rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over.

Monster clearance from Goku, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Hulk. The scientist lays it off first time to Hulk, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Burst of speed from Hulk, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. The scientist dinks his cross over the centre-backs for Captain America. The kind of ball that changes the course of a match at the highest level.

"We are cruising, lads, but we keep the foot on the gas, understood?" The gaffer is calm but firm. Captain America responds with a thumbs up, mouth full of banana. Barry Allen is retying {his} boots for the third time, a habit that drives the kit man mad. The mood is confident without being cocky. Just right. You'll love this — Hulk, all 180 of him, has an irrational fear of roundabouts. Not on the pitch, mind you — actual road roundabouts. His teammate has to drive him to training because the Magic Roundabout in Swindon gave him nightmares. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The gaffer gives Usain Bolt one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Usain Bolt runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

Hulk keeps it short to Captain America, no frills, just good football intelligence. Captain America delivers a tidy ball to Donald Trump, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Donald Trump beats his man with a sharp dribble, instant change of direction. The dribble from Donald Trump fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably.

Flash wall from Captain America for Billie Joe Armstrong who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. The movie actor/actress overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. The movie actor/actress slides a perfect cut-back for Usain Bolt in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class.

The corner from Batman picks out Hulk in the box, glancing header but it drifts past the post. The scientist hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Enormous leap from Barry Allen who wins his aerial duel with authority. The ball is headed clear, no arguments. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit.

The corner from Michael Jackson is well dealt with by the defence, cleared without any fuss. Lifesaving clearance from Batman! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Hulk changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Batman. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Batman lays it off first time to Hulk, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Hulk charges into the press like a man possessed and rips the ball away from the midfielder. The intensity is frightening.

GOAL for Lagos No-Carry-Last! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Rehearsed move all week: Goku and Billie Joe Armstrong stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Goku plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

They're knocking it about without finding any way through, plenty of possession but nothing to show for it. Usain Bolt sends the ball into the stands, miles away from goal. Short restart from the farmer to Michael Jackson, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

Get in! Usain Bolt and Hulk do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Lagos No-Carry-Last players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Usain Bolt turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-2 (L)

Usain Bolt plays it in, Hulk lays it back into the run with a cushioned touch, and Usain Bolt is off again. Magnificent. MAJESTIC GOAL from Usain Bolt! Powerful left-footed strike, the keeper was a spectator. UNDEFENDABLE!

Ripping counter-attack, the through ball has sliced the back four open. Usain Bolt was THERE! The keeper spills the strike from Batman, he toes the ball into the empty net. GOAL!

Oh no, Barranquilla Toque-Toque score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Goku runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Hulk joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Captain America spreads it to Batman, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Line-breaking pass from Batman! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Hulk picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Hulk hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust.

Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Billie Joe Armstrong finds Donald Trump between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Donald Trump winces. Goku looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Here's one for the ages — Goku is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 180, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 3355 and answer this question: 'What is the Latin name for a soggy chip?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Michael Jackson is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

The corner from Batman is immediately cleared at the near post, the defence is alert. Batman thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work. Goku rolls it short to Captain America into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Usain Bolt wraps an arm around the opponent to slow him down. Referee has seen it.

Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. Usain Bolt gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Usain Bolt tries to dribble past his marker but the ball escapes him. The defender pounces. Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds.

GOAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Goku runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Batman joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The movie actor/actress reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. What a ball from Billie Joe Armstrong! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Batman is away on his own. That is velvet. Tight offside against the superhero, Donald Trump's through ball deserved better than that.

Change of flanks from Barry Allen, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Donald Trump. Aerial duel won by Donald Trump in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Big strike from the philanthropist, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times.

Corner from Usain Bolt, Hulk heads it with a diving effort but it goes over the bar. Shame. Clearance from the farmer towards Batman, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. The superhero accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Great overlap from Batman down the flank, pinpoint cross for Hulk in the area. This is the moment.

A draw. Batman claps the home end with tired hands, disappointment showing but not overflowing. Usain Bolt tucks his shirt back in, legs heavy as lead. The gaffer meets them with a shrug. "We take it. We move on." And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Ethel Dripsworth, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the Latin name for a soggy chip?'. The answer was of course Solanum Disappointicus, first classified by a weeping botanist in Grimsby. Ethel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

2-3 (L)

It's there! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Usain Bolt passes short to Captain America, the ball comes back, new delivery coming up. Cut-back along the ground from Captain America on the right, Barry Allen picks it up centrally in front of goal. Massive chance. GOOOOOAL! Barry Allen turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

GOAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Goku arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Hulk slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Close-quarters dribble from Usain Bolt, he finds space where there is none. The referee points to the penalty spot! Usain Bolt has been wrestled to the ground in the box by the defender. CLEAR decision, it is a penalty and this changes EVERYTHING! GOOOOL from Usain Bolt! Penalty struck with cannonball power, the keeper is frozen. GOAL!

Usain Bolt fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Barry Allen plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening. Batman shoots and the ball heads for the stadium exit. Not on target whatsoever. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back.

The dressing room reeks of defeat. Not sweat, not Deep Heat, just that horrible invisible stench of a team that has been outfought and outplayed. Goku's eyes are bloodshot. Donald Trump looks like {he} has aged ten years in forty-five minutes. The gaffer stands in the centre and delivers his final words before sending them back out: "If we go down tonight, we go down swinging. Not on our knees. Never on our knees." Dressing room whispers confirm that Hulk has an entire drawer at home dedicated to takeaway menus. Refuses to use apps. Says he likes 'the theatre of choosing from paper.' He's 28 and living in a beautiful analogue world. And now, our TV game show The National Lottery of Mild Disappointment! To win a scratch card and a biro, text 0800LUCK and answer: 'What does a British person do when they win two pounds on a scratch card?' Batman leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Nightmare! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

The farmer finds Usain Bolt with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Usain Bolt absolutely butchers that pass, straight into the feet of the opposition. What a tackle by Barry Allen! Times it to perfection, nicks the ball, and the ref waves play on. Outstanding. Gorgeous crossfield ball from Barry Allen to Hulk, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Cross from Hulk, he puts it on the far post for Hulk.

Absolute PANDEMONIUM after Michael Jackson's corner! Three shots blocked, the defense is under siege! Usain Bolt scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point?

Vertical press, the opposition has to go long and aimless. Lovely anticipation from the scientist who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. The scientist switches the play to Usain Bolt, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Crunching tackle by Usain Bolt on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it.

Looping cross from Batman, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Donald Trump. Danger. Donald Trump connects on the volley and sends it over. What a strike, what a shame. Goku plays it along the ground to Batman, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too.

Captain America arrives at pace on the corner from Usain Bolt, header at the near post but it is too wide. Goku plays it short to Batman, building out from the back. Calculated risk. The superhero reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin. Batman unleashes a raking ball out to Hulk, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Magnificent shift from Hulk! Captain America picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his.

Key pass from Usain Bolt! It fizzes between the lines and Barry Allen collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. Offside given against Barry Allen but that is desperately close, Usain Bolt is absolutely fuming! Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. 80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really.

The corner from Batman is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Donald Trump launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Batman, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully.

Billie Joe Armstrong goes straight to the bus without showering. Sits at the back, hood up, headphones in. Hulk takes the seat across the aisle but doesn't try to talk. The motorway lights flicker past the window. Sometimes silence is the only honest response. Maureen from Scunthorpe says you buy another scratch card immediately because hope springs eternal. Scratch card and biro for Maureen! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-3 (L)

Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Absolute rocket from Captain America, the keeper dived but it was unstoppable.

Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. The superhero aims with surgical precision on the pass from Captain America! In that position, knowing how to place a ball like that, you become a nightmare for keepers. GOAL!

Barry Allen legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Batman tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

It's there! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Goku mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Batman raises Goku's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Goku plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Devastating burst of pace from Michael Jackson, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Michael Jackson hits the deck like he's been shot by a sniper. Replay shows absolutely nothing. Michael Jackson takes a booking for simulation, what a shameless dive that was. Michael Jackson plays the free kick as a cross, Donald Trump finds himself one-on-one after the knockdown.

GOAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Knee slide for twenty yards, Goku arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Batman slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. Billie Joe Armstrong grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Hulk is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. The 28-year-old Barry Allen reportedly starts every morning by staring out the window with a brew for exactly eleven minutes in complete silence. At 180, the silhouette alone is enough to terrify the postman. And now, our TV game show University Challenge Yourself! To win an umbrella that actually works, text 4012 and answer: 'How many consecutive days of rain does it take for a British person to mention the weather?' And they are off! Michael Jackson touches the ball first and lays it wide. The tempo is up already. Whatever the gaffer said at halftime, it has done the trick.

Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Big clearance from Hulk under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Goku distributes by hand to Usain Bolt on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Dreadful pass from Usain Bolt, lands three yards away from the target. Michael Jackson can do nothing with that.

Usain Bolt embarks on a mazy solo run from his own half, he beats one, two, three opponents. PENALTY! The defender brings Usain Bolt down in the box with a CLUMSY tackle! The referee blows immediately. The match could pivot on this very MOMENT! Usain Bolt's penalty clatters the crossbar and bounces back! That is a nightmare. The farmer goes long for Captain America, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

The opposition works around the block without being able to get in. Enormous run from Hulk to get back! Cuts across the attacker's path and blocks the shot. Heroic. Magnificent tackle from Hulk! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post.

The farmer throws it out to Billie Joe Armstrong, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Billie Joe Armstrong puts it right into the feet of Hulk, one touch and away. Silky stuff. Hulk bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket. Hulk dinks his cross over the defensive curtain for Michael Jackson, the kind of delivery that brings the crowd to its feet. Header from the philanthropist, it flies wide! In that role, aerial ability matters and he was so close to scoring there.

The farmer throws it out to Michael Jackson, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Michael Jackson wins the header and flicks it on for Hulk. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Michael Jackson hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Enormous leap from the investor who wins the header. In that role, a player who wins his aerial duels like that is an insurance policy. Donald Trump clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away.

This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Good ball from the philanthropist to Usain Bolt, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Usain Bolt plays a surgical cut-back along the floor for Barry Allen in the six-yard box. That is pure silk. Goku produces the goods! Reflex save, strong hand, nothing is getting past him!

Terrible tackle from the superhero on the attacker. At that level and in that position, there's no excuse for going in like that. The game is frozen while VAR does its work. These seconds feel like an eternity. Everyone was waiting for the verdict: VAR cancels the penalty on Batman! Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

That hurts. Goku leans against the tunnel wall, eyes closed, letting the cold concrete cool his head. Hulk stops beside him: "We go again Saturday." Goku nods, but right now Saturday feels like a lifetime away. The bus is quiet. Arthur from Stoke-on-Trent says zero consecutive days because a true Brit mentions it before it even starts. Arthur wins the umbrella! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-2 (L)

Short pass from the superhero to Batman, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Dummy from Batman, the defender dives in and ends up on the deck. Done. GOOOOOOL from Batman! On the pass from Michael Jackson, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Barry Allen strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Hulk points at it, jaw on the floor. Goku shakes his head, not believing it.

And there it is, Rio Malandro FC score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Goku runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Michael Jackson gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. GOAL! The superhero chips the ball over the keeper! In that position, that audacity and composure is what sets you apart from the rest. SUMPTUOUS lob, that is WORLD CLASS!

Barry Allen slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Donald Trump photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. The movie actor/actress catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. Short free kick from the movie actor/actress, clever stuff! In that position, mixing up direct shots and combinations is the key to troubling any defence. Michael Jackson strings together a double stepover and leaves the defender for dead. Sublime skill. The philanthropist winds up and fires, wide but close. In that position, keep pulling the trigger, the goal is coming.

It's hit the back of the net! Rio Malandro FC lead and we look completely lost.

'I told you so' mode. Goku eyeballs the Rio Malandro FC bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Michael Jackson pulls Goku away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Billie Joe Armstrong sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Hulk sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Billie Joe Armstrong nods but does not look up. Reports suggest that Usain Bolt once drove forty-five minutes in the wrong direction because he refused to use a sat-nav. Said it was 'cheating.' Eventually stopped at a Little Chef that had been closed since 2012. The man is 40 and proud of it. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' Michael Jackson is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Goku fires it out quickly by hand to Billie Joe Armstrong, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Well spotted by Billie Joe Armstrong who cuts out the pass, that is pure anticipation.

Billie Joe Armstrong reads the game like nobody else, he cuts out the cross-field pass and launches a counter immediately. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. The superhero lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in.

Good ball from Michael Jackson to Captain America, playing it quick between the lines. Free kick conceded by the military personnel, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. Captain America picks up a booking for persistent fouling. Took long enough, frankly.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Great vision from Hulk who switches to Billie Joe Armstrong. The defence pivots, but they are too late. Billie Joe Armstrong crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed. Little shift from Billie Joe Armstrong to Barry Allen, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

The movie actor/actress plays it simple to Barry Allen, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Barry Allen sends Hulk into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late. The linesman spots Hulk offside by a hair, Batman's pass was magnificent though. The farmer throws it out to Billie Joe Armstrong, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Absolutely immense from Billie Joe Armstrong! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back.

The investor switches the play to Barry Allen, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Pinpoint delivery from the superhero towards Donald Trump, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Cross blocked from Donald Trump, the defender threw himself in the way with authority. Solid defending. Usain Bolt lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody.

Good ball from the scientist to Michael Jackson, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Michael Jackson looks for Barry Allen with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. That is a tackle of the highest order from Hulk. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic.

Shared match. Hulk walks past the cameras with his head down, no stopping tonight. Hulk does stop, and simply says: "We weren't clinical enough in the box. Full stop." Brutal honesty. The pundits will chew on that one tomorrow. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-1 (L)

Right-footed cross from Usain Bolt, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Donald Trump. The investor scores an own goal! Nooooo! In that position, this is the kind of thing that destroys your confidence for WEEKS. He tried to anticipate, he ended up beating his own keeper.

GOAAAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Goku fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Captain America plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

The farmer goes long for Captain America, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Firm pass from Captain America into Usain Bolt, right into the boots. No waste.

Attempted tackle from Hulk but he's eating dirt while the attacker waltzes into the box. Goku stretches backwards and tips the ball over the frame! What a superhuman reflex! Corner from Usain Bolt, attempted dangerous delivery but the defence gets in the way and clears.

The farmer goes long for Donald Trump, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Donald Trump plays it simple to Usain Bolt, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Looks like a training session, soft and completely predictable. Shot from the superhero into the clouds! In that role, can't fault him for trying but the ball's gone on holiday.

Hulk paces up and down the dressing room, unable to sit still. Adrenaline and frustration mixed together in equal measure. The gaffer blocks {his} path: "Sit down. Breathe. Channel all of that into the next forty-five minutes. I need you sharp, not frantic. Understood?" Hulk exhales and sits. Back on the estate, Hulk is still remembered as the kid who kicked a ball through Mrs Henderson's greenhouse in 2014. Now 28 and standing 180, the lad still legs it when he sees her at Asda. And now, our TV game show Ready Steady Can't Cook! To win an M&S dine-in-for-two deal, text 0800DINE and answer: 'How many times can you reheat a shepherd's pie before it becomes a health hazard?' They are back. Billie Joe Armstrong salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Usain Bolt rolls it to Hulk, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. They're going for the jugular, this is a side in full flow.

Magnificent reading of the game from Hulk, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Hulk rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Donald Trump. The far side is completely deserted. The investor roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. The cross from Donald Trump is gathered by the keeper without the slightest difficulty. Pointless. The superhero launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters.

Corner cleared, the philanthropist finds nobody. In that position, you have got to read the defensive setup and adjust your corner accordingly. The philanthropist boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge.

Quick break, the counter is executed with surgical precision. Usain Bolt sees what nobody else sees and puts Barry Allen through on goal with a genius through ball. Barry Allen tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. Clearance from the farmer towards Usain Bolt, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

Hulk sets it for Barry Allen, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Wasteful from Barry Allen on that pass, the ball does not arrive. Batman throws his arms up in frustration. Captain America dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution.

Header missed from the corner by the superhero! In that position, when you put in deliveries like that, you expect your teammates to do the business in the air. Batman clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Crossfield pass from Donald Trump to Usain Bolt, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet.

Perfect parity. Usain Bolt slaps hands with the opposition manager, mutual respect. "Good game, gaffer." "Good game." Formality, but meant. Usain Bolt watches from the bench. Some draws are honest. This one is. Pamela from Solihull says twice is the legal limit and after that you're playing Russian roulette with leftovers. M&S dine-in deal for Pamela! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

2-1 (W)

Usain Bolt lobs it over the entire defence for Usain Bolt, that is laser-guided. Oh my word the OVERHEAD from Usain Bolt! The cross from Batman arrives, he throws himself into a full rotation and FIRES the ball into the back of the net! GOAL! That is the kind of finish you see ONCE in a lifetime!

Cynical challenge by Barry Allen, he chops down the attacker at the halfway line. Barry Allen picks up a yellow for a blatant tactical foul. He'll take that trade all day long. Barry Allen winds up and unleashes an UNDEFENDABLE free kick! The wall jumped for nothing, the keeper was a spectator, GOAL!

Barry Allen scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Captain America is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

Usain Bolt floats his free kick into the area, Usain Bolt is there for the header. Masterful aerial duel from Usain Bolt, he gets above everyone and heads it clear. The attacker was left as a spectator. One touch football: Usain Bolt to Billie Joe Armstrong, faster than the opposition can think. Billie Joe Armstrong sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery.

Corner from Batman, Usain Bolt throws himself at it and heads it but it goes past the right post. Barry Allen launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Hulk spots Usain Bolt in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Corner from Batman into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Michael Jackson curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save!

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Goku claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. A delightful revelation — Michael Jackson panic-bought seventeen tins of baked beans during a supermarket scare and still hasn't got through them. His cupboard is essentially a Heinz warehouse. The man is 68 and fully prepared for any future bean-related emergency. And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' Here come the lads. Hulk jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Stoppage time! It's not over yet, anything can still happen. Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. CRAAACKER from Usain Bolt outside the box! Grazes the post and goes out for a goal kick. So close... Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill.

It's in the back of the net! Milano Piano-Piano celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Goku dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The referee blows and points to the penalty spot! Hulk has been bundled over in the box. The defender used too much body, it is a penalty! MASSIVE moment of the match! Hulk sends the penalty into the sky! It's missed, he's absolutely crumbled.

Textbook tackle from Donald Trump there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Overlap from Captain America with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel.

Corner from Michael Jackson, it is a whipped delivery but a defender intervenes and clears. Hulk clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched. Hulk goes crossfield to Michael Jackson, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook.

Stunning tackle by Billie Joe Armstrong in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Cracking counter, they've knifed through the middle at full tilt. Overlap from the philanthropist with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy. The philanthropist bends the ball into the box for Batman. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games. The superhero gets his cross wrong, too much juice on it. The intent is there but the execution lets him down tonight.

Full time whistle and it's absolute SCENES! Hulk drops to his knees, fists clenched, roaring at the sky. Hulk slides in and wraps him in a bear hug. The away end is bouncing. Milano Piano-Piano trudge off while our lot sing their hearts out. Take a bow, lads. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-2 (L)

Donald Trump reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Donald Trump drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Captain America read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. The military personnel places his shot to perfection on the cross from Barry Allen, GOOOOAL! In that position, that finesse in the foot is pure gold.

Billie Joe Armstrong drives a shot in and it hits a hand. PENALTY! That arm was nowhere near the body, the ref's got it right. BOOOM the superhero sends the penalty into the net! In that position, taking that responsibility on penalties is a sign of character. GOAL!

Majestic individual run from Usain Bolt, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Usain Bolt puts Usain Bolt into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. Offside by a nose for Usain Bolt on the ball from Batman! You'd need a microscope for that one. Short restart from the farmer to Batman, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

Billie Joe Armstrong to Usain Bolt, instant return, and Billie Joe Armstrong is already three yards further on. The one-two has popped the lock. Wicked through ball from Billie Joe Armstrong, the ball skims the grass and finds Captain America who had set off before anyone else even noticed. The military personnel is flagged offside by a whisker on Donald Trump's ball, agonising decision. The farmer goes long for Batman, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Batman dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game.

Heroic low block, every single player at his post. What a block! Billie Joe Armstrong slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Billie Joe Armstrong gives it to Usain Bolt into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Sublime through ball from Usain Bolt for Michael Jackson who ghosts between the two centre-backs. The line is broken.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Billie Joe Armstrong, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Billie Joe Armstrong takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Now this is properly British — Hulk once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 28 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Grand Designs Over Budget! To win a bag of cement and an architect's apology, text 5234 and answer: 'By what percentage does a Grand Designs project typically exceed its budget?' Here come the lads. Hulk jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

Oh dear oh dear! Sevilla Olé-Olé score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Raw emotion: Goku cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Captain America crouches beside him and speaks softly. Goku jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Oh my word Usain Bolt fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Massive diagonal from Billie Joe Armstrong! Usain Bolt receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards. Usain Bolt puts Captain America in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards.

Heroic defending, every ball is swept up with proper concentration. WHAT A RUSH from the farmer! That kind of keeper lets you play high without fearing the one-on-one. The farmer throws it out to Captain America, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Lovely interception from Captain America, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Captain America decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination.

The scientist finds Usain Bolt along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Killer ball from Usain Bolt through the gap! Usain Bolt bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Usain Bolt is called offside but it's marginal at best! Billie Joe Armstrong is absolutely livid. Goku boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Donald Trump! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Huge tackle from Donald Trump! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away.

Hulk anticipates the run from Captain America and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. OHHH Captain America strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Clearance from the farmer towards Donald Trump, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. The investor lays it off first time to Batman, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Batman swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating.

GOAAAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Usain Bolt links up with Captain America, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. The military personnel trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. The military personnel picks up a yellow for persistent fouling. In that position, accumulating cards is a liability. Captain America lines up his free kick but the wall blocks everything. Frustrating. Emergency clearance from the movie actor/actress, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play.

Draw against Sevilla Olé-Olé. Hulk kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Donald Trump does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Clive from Oxfordshire says three hundred percent over budget and the glass staircase alone cost more than the original house. Bag of cement for Clive! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

The crowd is going mental at every touch, every pass an adventure. Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. GOOOOAL for Usain Bolt! ABSOLUTE SCREAMER, the keeper dives at thin air, the ball ends up in the back of the net!

Usain Bolt legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Billie Joe Armstrong tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

The philanthropist finds Hulk along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. The scientist presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. Hulk gets into the right angle and finishes with precision! The ball rolls into the goal, GOAL!

Michael Jackson runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Batman gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

The corner from Batman is perfect, Michael Jackson heads it but it misses the target. Emergency clearance from the superhero, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. Raking ball from the superhero to Billie Joe Armstrong, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Usain Bolt delivers an inswinging free kick, Michael Jackson at the back post tries to get on the end of it. HEAAAAADER from Michael Jackson! He launches himself at the cross from Batman but it goes just over! Instinctive clearance from Billie Joe Armstrong who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day. Aerial duel won by Usain Bolt, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter.

Massive punt from Goku, sends the ball sixty yards, Batman is scrapping for it up top. The superhero produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Little shift from Batman to Barry Allen, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

"I have seen enough sideways passing to last me a lifetime," the gaffer mutters, rubbing his temples. "We need to go forward. Direct. Purposeful. Hulk, stop dropping deep. Michael Jackson, stop playing safe. I would rather we lose trying to win than draw playing like cowards." The words sting, but they are fair. We can exclusively reveal that Michael Jackson, standing 175, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' And we are back underway! Billie Joe Armstrong jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Oh that's terrible! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Granite defense, every tackle clean, every clearance powerful. Heroic rush from the farmer! When your keeper comes out at the feet like that, you know you can defend high without trembling. The farmer goes long for Barry Allen, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Huge interception from Barry Allen! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Barry Allen takes the ball at his feet and drives fifty yards on his own. It is one man against the world.

Donald Trump reads that pass like an open book, surgical interception. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Incredible solo charge from the superhero, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition. Shot from the superhero, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close.

Absolute peach from Hulk, threading it through for Billie Joe Armstrong, the centre-halves are done for! Flag raised against the movie actor/actress. Hulk's ball was good but the timing was off. Short restart from the farmer to Usain Bolt, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Oh what a challenge! Usain Bolt goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer.

Oh no, München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Goku, arms out like an aeroplane. Hulk follows in like he's skiing. Goku arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Acceleration from Captain America down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Captain America curls a cross to the near post, Barry Allen is lurking in the box. The cross from Barry Allen is intercepted at the near post, the defender has done the hard yards. Usain Bolt boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Absolutely insane recovery run from Donald Trump, covers the entire pitch to come back and save the day. Donald Trump pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Donald Trump sends the free kick in front of goal, Usain Bolt leaps to try the header. The farmer gathers the ball in his zone. In that position, knowing how to come out and claim a cross is as valuable as a reflex save.

Level score. Donald Trump screams at the sky out of frustration — we were leading at half time. Michael Jackson boots a stray training ball as far as he can, just to let it out. The ref watches, doesn't love it, lets it go. Everyone understands. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-2 (L)

Goku throws it out quickly to Hulk, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Phenomenal leap from Hulk who wins the header without any contest whatsoever. The opponent does not exist in the air against him. GOOOAL from the scientist with his head! In that position, knowing how to assert yourself in the air like that is what makes you indispensable.

Three-man routine: Goku, Hulk and Goku do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Billie Joe Armstrong sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Lovely use of the ball by Billie Joe Armstrong, finding Barry Allen in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Ground pass from Barry Allen into the free zone for Usain Bolt, the ball glides into the area like a letter in the post. Usain Bolt fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Michael Jackson throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Aerial duel lost by Michael Jackson, he is beaten to the punch by the attacker. The ball flies over his head.

Batman overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Batman crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Usain Bolt is there to meet it. The cross from Usain Bolt is deflected off a defender's foot. Corner to the attacking side. Michael Jackson boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. The movie actor/actress opens up to Michael Jackson on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Aerial duel lost by Michael Jackson, he jumped too late and the opponent took full advantage.

GOAL! London Three-Pints have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Goku runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Captain America gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Goku stares at the floor. Billie Joe Armstrong cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. Lovely story from Hulk's childhood — he used to practice free kicks in the alley behind a chip shop in Doncaster. The owner would give him a free bag of scraps if he hit the wheelie bin from thirty yards. That's where 180 of pure talent was forged. And now, our TV game show The Cube of Disappointment! To win a raffle ticket for a caravan in Skegness, text 3921 and answer: 'What is the average wind speed inside a British seaside caravan in August?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Captain America is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

Ball over the top from Usain Bolt, Billie Joe Armstrong had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection. Offside. Billie Joe Armstrong was desperate to get in behind but strayed beyond the line when Usain Bolt passed. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. The scientist lays it off first time to Billie Joe Armstrong, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre.

Captain America rolls it to Batman, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. High recovery from Batman who puts hellish pressure on the opposition midfielder. Possession changes in the blink of an eye.

GOAAAL for London Three-Pints! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Goku sprints the full length of the pitch from his six-yard box to join the pile-up. The bundle forms on Goku, you can't see him under the pile, just studs sticking out. All four subs have invaded the pitch. The ref has given up blowing his whistle.

The gaffer is out of his technical area, demanding one last effort. Mad scenes, Goku sprinting to the halfway line to get back up in time. Hulk launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Hulk was flying. Hulk to Barry Allen, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

Textbook collective defending, everyone tucks in and shuts the angles. Billie Joe Armstrong launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Billie Joe Armstrong switches the play to Usain Bolt on the far side, superb crossfield ball!

Batman looks up and launches a long pass towards Hulk. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Hulk spots the gap and sends Hulk into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. The scientist gets to the byline and floats one in for Usain Bolt. Crossing is his bread and butter.

Painful afternoon. Usain Bolt and Hulk walk side by side toward the tunnel, neither saying a word. Their studs echo on the concrete. Somewhere behind them, London Three-Pints's lot are singing. It carries down the corridor. Sounds get louder when you've lost. Colin from Cleethorpes says the average is forty-seven miles per hour and that's inside the caravan. Raffle ticket is his! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.