My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

78-123 (L)

King Kong times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Detroit Engine-Roar, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Laser from Albus Dumbledore, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Rubeus Hagrid pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Getting to his spot and elevating, Rubeus Hagrid puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and King Von threw it before the help even committed. Full stop, full sprint, and the teacher is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Rubeus Hagrid fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Both teams head to the locker room. Albus Dumbledore wipes his forehead with his jersey. Anecdote: Albus Dumbledore once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. And now, our halftime TV game show The Joker Is Wild and Unlicensed! To win a mesh trucker hat that says WORLDS OKAYEST UNCLE, text HOOPS to 555-0584 and answer this question: 'What is the name of the guy who mops the floor between timeouts?' Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Aang drops it off to King Von on time and on target. Beautiful pass by King Von. Wrong jersey.

Aang holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Rubeus Hagrid flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Rubeus Hagrid scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

The defender planted his feet, and Aang said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Buzzer on the shot clock, Aang heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Albus Dumbledore gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because King Von saw it a beat early. The researcher just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Rises, releases, and Rubeus Hagrid sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Offensive foul on the warrior. He gets through an entire work week without a single collision and then does THIS on a basketball floor.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Cross court, on a rope, from the researcher. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. The warrior just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Aang rose up over the help and hammered it down on somebody's head!

That is a clean blow-by on Aang, and the help defense was nowhere in the same area code.

King Von claps his hands in frustration. Aang clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. And here is the answer to our game show The Joker Is Wild and Unlicensed! Buford Tanksley of Sour Lake Bottom, Texas, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the name of the guy who mops the floor between timeouts?' The answer was of course that his name is also Gary, which raises further questions. Buford therefore wins a mesh trucker hat that says WORLDS OKAYEST UNCLE! Behind the scenes, I learned Aang was also a warrior in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

80-124 (L)

The teacher just out-jumped a guy half a foot taller for the opening tip. Somebody check the day job again.

The box score will show nothing at all for the teacher, just a ruined shot and a shooter who will remember that wall all night. One hand, full court, Rubeus Hagrid hits Aang in stride and the crowd is already up. OHHHHH POSTERIZED! Aang just ENDED that defender at the rim!

Nobody on the bench is sitting. Not the coaches, not the trainers, not the guy in the suit who never plays. Aang points at all of them at once with both hands. Towels come down like weather and the officials wait it out with the patience of the doomed.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Miami Heart-Attack with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Beautiful footwork on that one from Aang, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. Prayer from Aang. Not answered.

Behind the back was the idea, the ball had entirely different plans, and King Von gets a collective groan for his trouble.

Rest time. Albus Dumbledore isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. They say Albus Dumbledore eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Buckets! To win a tackle box packed solid with loose buttons, text HOOPS to 555-1112 and answer this question: 'How many buckets fit in a bucket if the buckets are points?' The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the warrior, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Here comes Aang sprinting off the elbow. Albus Dumbledore slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. No touch. Aang left the soft hands in the locker room tonight.

Cold blooded from Miami Heart-Attack, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Albus Dumbledore kicks it over to King Von, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the rapper made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. King Von lets it FLY from way downtown and... front rim. Not this time.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Miami Heart-Attack with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

This is the foul that gets your night cut short. Albus Dumbledore has to contest with a high hand and land in his own space. FIVE on Albus Dumbledore. One more and his night is finished.

The warrior makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. King Von drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. So close. Rubeus Hagrid can only stare at the iron.

The warrior just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Two defenders in the lane, Aang splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

More second chance points for Miami Heart-Attack, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Standing in the lane like the teacher is waiting on a bus that is never coming. Whistle blows, ball goes the other way.

Aang avoids the cameras like the plague. King Von gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. And here is the answer to our game show Bowling for Buckets! Tammy Lynn Housewright of Big Elbow, Washington, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many buckets fit in a bucket if the buckets are points?' The answer was of course two per bucket, three from way out, and one if somebody fouls you. Tammy Lynn therefore wins a tackle box packed solid with loose buttons! Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

87-131 (L)

The offense stalls, King Kong gets stuck on the wing with no exit and nobody flashing open, and the shot clock eats him alive.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Orlando Magic-Beans with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Over the top of everybody. Aang to King Kong in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Nobody is getting a hand near that. King Kong has all the room in the world. Down, up, and gone for King Kong. The rim is just toying with him now.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Orlando Magic-Beans, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Second pass beats the rotation, Albus Dumbledore to Aang, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. That is a dime from Albus Dumbledore that deserved so much better, and Aang knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Halftime whistle! King Von slides down against the hallway wall. Locker room anecdote: King Von talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. And now, our halftime TV game show Guy Reads a Manual! To win a family-size tub of margarine autographed by a stranger, text HOOPS to 555-0345 and answer this question: 'How many people can hear a vending machine at three in the morning?' Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from King Von, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the rapper! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Eighty-four feet of pure pressure from the warrior! Whatever that day job is, the cardio clearly comes included. Eight on the shot clock, King Kong gets a piece of the entry, and the whole set is dead on arrival. The teacher just outran an entire defense for the finish, and he clocks in for a shift in the morning. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Court vision like that on the researcher is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Oh, that is rough. Rubeus Hagrid killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

You can teach a lot of things at this level, but not lateral quickness. King Kong is doing a fine traffic cone impression. The player swatted that one off the glass and handed over two free points. Somebody go over the cylinder rule at the next staff meeting.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, King Von and Albus Dumbledore just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Long and gone. King Von floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Orlando Magic-Beans with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Watch the spacing, Aang drags two bodies toward the ball and Rubeus Hagrid is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. The crowd has found its chant, and Rubeus Hagrid is going to be hearing it all night.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

OHHHH that is filthy! Aang on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. HAMMER! King Von goes right through the trees and throws it DOWN with the foul!

Rubeus Hagrid punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Albus Dumbledore slides down the wall to the floor. And here is the answer to our game Guy Reads a Manual! Doris Ann Hoke of Butter Churn, New Hampshire, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many people can hear a vending machine at three in the morning?' The answer was of course everybody in the building, including the ones pretending to sleep. Doris Ann takes home a family-size tub of margarine autographed by a stranger! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

78-122 (L)

The warrior just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. King Kong wanted the contact so badly that he forgot the small detail where your feet have to be planted.

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way King Von does. Watch the feet on King Von there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything. The rapper outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. Second chance points for King Von, tipping his own miss straight back in before his feet ever touched the floor.

King Von crosses his arms into an X, plants his feet at the top of the key and dares somebody to say something. Nobody does. Aang mirrors the pose beside him. Two statues, twenty thousand people screaming, and every camera in the gym pointed at them.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Aang already has the defense a full step behind. OHHHH the hesi! Rubeus Hagrid froze him solid and he is already gone! The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. Rubeus Hagrid rose straight over the top of him, and one.

The noise climbs past whatever the building was engineered for, and Rubeus Hagrid uses it to kneel down and retie a shoe that was already tied. Double knot, no hurry, eyes on the laces. Albus Dumbledore stands over him like a bodyguard while somewhere down there a coach calls a play into a hurricane and loses.

Heading in. King Von's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know King Von knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Philadelphia Injury-Report's colors. By accident, obviously. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Bologna! To win a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore, text HOOPS to 555-0204 and answer this question: 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Aang just did it by hitting King Von on the back side with acres of room. Not an inch to spare on the endline, but King Von keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. Way short from King Von off the bounce, the ball dies on the front of the rim and drops into traffic.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Philadelphia Injury-Report, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The defender crowded the middle, and King Von punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. King Von had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Oldest play in the book, and Aang runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. Rim out for Rubeus Hagrid, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Philadelphia Injury-Report in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Aang breaks a shell down. Off the pin-down comes the player with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. A cruel spin-out for the player, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! King Von spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! That is a shot selection problem, plain and simple. King Von drove into three bodies and the help defender was waiting the whole way.

King Kong does not love that call. Both hands in the air, a long look at the official, and the whistle still counts. The player sits down with four. You want to be furious, but honestly, he came here straight off a full shift.

The teacher is parked under the rim while three grown men in stripes squint at a screen. Just another day at the office, apparently. Brutal for the teacher, who owned the shot of a lifetime for about ninety seconds. Back to the day job with nothing but the story.

Aang taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Albus Dumbledore walks through the door without pushing it. And here is the answer to our game Bowling for Bologna! Faye Ellen Duckworth of Sweat Bee, Connecticut, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' The answer was of course two, and the rest are there for confidence. Faye Ellen takes home a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore! While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

78-122 (L)

You want basketball IQ? Ask the rapper, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. The researcher just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the researcher, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

A full spin move through traffic from the rapper! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Three shots for King Von. Worst foul in the sport.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Personal foul on the player. Somewhere a shift is going uncovered and not one soul in this arena cares. He stays out there with five, which tells you how much this coach trusts King Kong and how little he trusts anybody else.

The players disappear. King Kong has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. I've been told King Kong once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. And now, our halftime TV game show Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! To win an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak, text HOOPS to 555-0116 and answer this question: 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

The warrior is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. No roll this time. King Von swings it right back to Albus Dumbledore above the break, and it is PURE. That is what heavy minutes do, Albus Dumbledore has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Hesitate, GO. King Von is by that hip before the man even blinks. REJECTED! King Von takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Phoenix No-Defense with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The researcher makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Watch Albus Dumbledore plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Aang out of that corner in a blink. Oldest play in the book and it still works: Aang passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Straight through the traffic, straight through the contact. The warrior finishes with a free throw coming and the paint suddenly feels very small.

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, Aang tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

GONE down the baseline! King Von beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Long miss from the rapper and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Aang launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. King Kong splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Albus Dumbledore nothing.

Cold blooded from Phoenix No-Defense, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

One little shoulder dip from King Von and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about King Von.

King Von rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. King Kong plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

King Kong hacks the arm on purpose, then throws both hands up like he has never touched a soul in his life. Nobody is buying it.

King Kong and King Von walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. And here is the answer to our game Antiques Roadshow but Everything is Broken! Wayne Shropshire of Salt Lick Junction, Maine, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the going rate for a rebound in small claims court?' The answer was of course twelve dollars, or one covered dish. Wayne takes home an inflatable canoe with a slow but very honest leak! Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

75-119 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Rubeus Hagrid rips it out of the air and we are off.

Unselfish basketball. Aang passes up a good shot and hands King Kong a GREAT one. BRICK! King Kong throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

SKIP PASS! Albus Dumbledore fires it cross court to Rubeus Hagrid and the defense is dead in the water! Rubeus Hagrid turns the corner off the screen from King Von, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! King Von rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Aang did all the dirty work on that one. DOUBLE DRIBBLE! King Kong picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

Break! Albus Dumbledore grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Anecdote: Albus Dumbledore fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. And now, our halftime TV game show Minute to Win It Back! To win a lawn ornament goose with exactly one seasonal outfit, text HOOPS to 555-0319 and answer this question: 'What is the halftime score of a game that nobody is watching?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Oh, Rubeus Hagrid wanted to be heard. Congratulations, he was heard. Free throw the other way. You could see this coming three possessions ago, Rubeus Hagrid had been chirping nonstop since that first technical.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! King Von never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets King Von up there and returns it with interest.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the warrior, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Albus Dumbledore kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. King Von hands it off to Aang, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Perfect arc. King Von makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

King Von slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

Los Angeles Nursing-Home again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

No hero ball here: King Von takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Ball into King Von at the elbow, Albus Dumbledore plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Albus Dumbledore has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Aang put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! The warrior just turned a straight-up mugging into a three-point play. Whatever the day job pays, it is nowhere near enough.

Down by the baseline, Aang points at the arena DJ, who obliges with the loudest thing in the catalog. The whole lower bowl is up. Albus Dumbledore is dancing badly and fully aware of it. The Los Angeles Nursing-Home coach signals for time and gets ignored by his own players.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Three guys in warmups are halfway onto the floor celebrating what Aang just did, and an official has to wave them back to their seats. NOT A CHANCE! Aang came flying at that pull-up and DELETED it!

Rubeus Hagrid walks head down toward the tunnel. Albus Dumbledore drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. And here is the answer to our game Minute to Win It Back! Otis Fenstermacher of Tin Roof, Virginia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the halftime score of a game that nobody is watching?' The answer was of course still tied, philosophically speaking. Otis takes home a lawn ornament goose with exactly one seasonal outfit! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

89-133 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Rubeus Hagrid who wins the little argument at center court.

Watch the high hand from King Kong, right there on the shoulder, and suddenly there is nowhere to spin and nothing to shoot. That outlet from King Kong is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the warrior is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Aang takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Rubeus Hagrid pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

Turnover, layup, Toronto Border-Patrol straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Aang. Count them with me: one step, two steps, and a third one nobody asked for. The official has seen enough of Aang.

Two defenders, one gap, and Albus Dumbledore finds it. Onions on that pass. A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Rubeus Hagrid do that to one of their own.

Rubeus Hagrid finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Aang photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

Break. Aang asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Confession: Aang calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. And now, our halftime TV game show Sale of the Half Century! To win a bread machine with a manual in three languages, none of them English, text HOOPS to 555-0673 and answer this question: 'What is the wingspan of a man who claims he could have gone pro?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Third straight empty trip for the other guys, third straight bucket involving Albus Dumbledore. That is exactly how a 10-0 stretch gets built.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Aang makes it every single trip down the floor. The researcher just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. The researcher had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Toronto Border-Patrol in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Reach-in on Aang. He wanted the steal, he bought a foul. Third whistle on Aang. He could argue the first two. This one he cannot.

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Aang, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. TRAVEL! Aang took the scenic route to the rim and the whistle ended the tour.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The rapper just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Aang gives it up to Rubeus Hagrid on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Pull-up from the elbow by Rubeus Hagrid, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Kick out to Aang, one more to King Von, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Fifth possession this half where King Von has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Rubeus Hagrid refuses the coach's embrace. Albus Dumbledore accepts it but his body is stiff. And here is the answer to our game show Sale of the Half Century! Orville Duckworth of Slush Pile, Michigan, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the wingspan of a man who claims he could have gone pro?' The answer was of course roughly the length of the story he is telling. Orville therefore wins a bread machine with a manual in three languages, none of them English! Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

86-130 (L)

Won it clean! King Kong got up and over him with room to spare.

That is a foot speed problem. Aang keeps grabbing instead of sliding, and in this league that gets your coach a miserable night. Fourth foul on the warrior and he is headed for the bench. Longest break the man has had since he took that job.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Aang retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Clang. Aang wants that one back.

Watch the spacing there, Aang hits King Von right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Screened, toasted, done. King Von is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. The rapper just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

Halftime. King Von is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Fun fact: King Von failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. And now, our halftime TV game show Fifty Fifty or Nothing! To win a decorative barometer that has read STORMY since 1998, text HOOPS to 555-0290 and answer this question: 'How many free throws could a horse make in one hour with no thumbs?' Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and King Von has known that all night long. Court vision like that on the player is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. The researcher misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Minnesota Ice-Wall with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Ooof. Aang got put on SKATES right there. Rubeus Hagrid goes fishing at the point of attack, the ball handler feels the hand on his elbow, and the arm goes straight up.

This is the work that never shows up in a box score, and King Kong just took two points off the board without a single stat.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and King Von gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. You are about to see a coach put his entire face in both hands, and Aang has earned every second of that reaction.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The warrior just flattened a man who had both feet planted. Charge, turnover, and a very quiet walk back on defense.

Bucket for Minnesota Ice-Wall. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! King Von was at the other free throw line when that break started! Off the glass and out of the gym, King Von launches it and the break is ON! The researcher just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

Albus Dumbledore walks head down toward the tunnel. King Kong drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. And here is the answer to our game show Fifty Fifty or Nothing! Merle Bodkin of Dry Fork Holler, West Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many free throws could a horse make in one hour with no thumbs?' The answer was of course two, and both of them were technically goaltending. Merle therefore wins a decorative barometer that has read STORMY since 1998! I learned tonight that Albus Dumbledore used to be a warrior. That explains the unique running style. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

83-127 (L)

Tip goes to the teacher, who spends most of the week nowhere near a gym. Explain that one to me.

Push the pace! Aang grabs it and hits Albus Dumbledore in stride before the defense can even match up. This is the counter: Albus Dumbledore punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Rubeus Hagrid, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

The warrior puts a shoulder into the ball handler and pays for it. He spends all day being polite to strangers and now he is hacking people for a living. The official flashes five toward the scorer's table and Aang just stares at the hardwood. He knows what comes next.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, King Kong picks up the pace. Little secret: King Kong watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show The Bachelor of Science! To win a ceramic frog wearing tiny sunglasses and nothing else, text HOOPS to 555-0264 and answer this question: 'How tall would a stack of every whistle ever blown be?' Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Aang controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to King Kong, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Missed layup for the player and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The rapper reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for King Von!

Set called, Rubeus Hagrid waved out to the corner, and Aang watches the spacing open up like a front door. A single dribble is all Rubeus Hagrid needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Put him on skates, then put him on a POSTER. Rubeus Hagrid owns the highlight reel tonight.

Dunk so loud the backboard is still ringing when Rubeus Hagrid lands. He stares down the front row like they owe him money. A man in a five-thousand-dollar seat drops his drink. King Kong drags Rubeus Hagrid away by the jersey before it becomes an incident.

Aang walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Albus Dumbledore! Nothing but runway to the rim! It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Aang. Cruel.

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Trapped on the sideline with Aang closing the door, and that is a five-second nightmare in the making. You will never find it in a box score, but King Von just flipped that entire trip down the floor with one hand. Wide open runway! Albus Dumbledore gets to the rim before the defense even crosses halfcourt!

Houston Blast-Off again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

King Von loses the handle with nobody inside of five feet of him, and that clip is going to live on the internet forever.

You do not need a scholarship to figure that one out. The warrior just stopped the clock the way people have been stopping clocks in gyms for sixty years.

Aang takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. King Von doesn't drink. Throat too tight. And here is the answer to our game The Bachelor of Science! Bonnie Faye Gulick of Windy Gap, Wyoming, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How tall would a stack of every whistle ever blown be?' The answer was of course tall enough to be a problem for airplanes. Bonnie Faye takes home a ceramic frog wearing tiny sunglasses and nothing else! As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

74-118 (L)

Baseline spin from Aang at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Aang blows the wide open layup!

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The rapper just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. OHHHHH FROM THE LOGO! King Von pulls up from another area code and it is PURE!

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the researcher, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. The warrior just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Aang has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

End of the first half. King Kong is beet red but still standing. Juicy intel: King Kong turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of a Pickup Truck! To win a bag of forty-two mismatched socks, all for the left foot, text HOOPS to 555-0173 and answer this question: 'What do you call a free throw that goes in after hitting the ceiling?' The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

He tried to rise over King Kong. That was a mistake, and the ball is now several rows deep.

Cold blooded from Denver Horse-Track, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Aang has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching King Von precisely where the play wanted it. From WAY downtown off the pop! King Von with the extra pass and CASH. That is the shot King Kong wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

OHHHH, what a read by King Von! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! King Kong missed that one with real conviction.

Full stop, full sprint, and the rapper is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Somewhere an assistant coach is throwing a clipboard, because the rapper baited that closeout from deep like a decade of film study went into it.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Denver Horse-Track, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Total control. Aang has this thing on a string. Albus Dumbledore comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Aang just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. That is another catch and shoot triple for Aang, and you can see the closeouts getting more desperate every single trip.

Deflection at midcourt, out and running, Albus Dumbledore finishes through the contact and the run keeps rolling.

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Cross court, on a rope, from the warrior. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Left, right, gone. King Von put that defender on skates and never even looked back. A cruel spin-out for the rapper, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Aang walks toward the tunnel without a word. Albus Dumbledore stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. And here is the answer to our game Cash Cab of a Pickup Truck! Harlan Spivey of Bent Fender, Montana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What do you call a free throw that goes in after hitting the ceiling?' The answer was of course a blessing, and the whole gym has to be re-blessed. Harlan takes home a bag of forty-two mismatched socks, all for the left foot! I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

78-123 (L)

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Aang already has the defense a full step behind. Textbook two-man game: King Von keeps the dribble alive, forces the big man to commit, and Rubeus Hagrid rolls into an open runway. Perfect drop-off from King Kong, and Rubeus Hagrid answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

A chair knocked flat, an assistant coach holding somebody back by the jersey, that whole row completely unhinged. That is the King Kong effect. That is ninety-four feet of pure effort from King Kong, and that is the play a locker room remembers in April.

More second chance points for New York Over-Timers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Watch the change of pace from King Von, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Stuck out on the perimeter with no outlet, King Von panics, re-dribbles, and hands the possession over on a silver platter.

Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Rubeus Hagrid picks up the pace. Rumor has it Rubeus Hagrid tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". And now, our halftime TV game show Foul Line Confessions! To win a hood ornament from a truck that was never built, text HOOPS to 555-1098 and answer this question: 'Why does every gym in the country smell exactly the same?' Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

One hard step and Albus Dumbledore owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Albus Dumbledore cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

OHHHH the pocket pass! Aang splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot King Von should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The warrior runs a dribble handoff with the timing of a fifteen-year vet. Not bad for somebody who does this on weekends. The rapper lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession. Another extra possession courtesy of the player, a man who evidently boxes out at work too. Some habits do not clock out. The player just went up over everybody and put that miss back with two hands. That is a night he tells his grandkids about!

Over the top of everybody. Albus Dumbledore to Aang in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Aang crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. The bench has cleared, the crowd is screaming, and somewhere a photographer just got the shot of the season thanks to Aang.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Aang stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

Give and go! King Von gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and King Von is walking back with both hands on his head.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, New York Over-Timers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Aang whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. He sets it late, he sets it wide, and he sets it while jogging. Three for three, Albus Dumbledore, and the possession is gone.

Foul to give, and King Von gives it. Clock stops.

Aang's eyes are red, jaw tight. King Von apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. And here is the answer to our game show Foul Line Confessions! Wendell Crabtree of Lost Mitten, Colorado, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why does every gym in the country smell exactly the same?' The answer was of course floor wax, popcorn, and forty years of accumulated nervousness. Wendell therefore wins a hood ornament from a truck that was never built! My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

90-134 (L)

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Twenty-four seconds expire with the ball glued to the rapper. Time management is apparently not part of that trade either.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! King Kong chases the referee half the length of the floor and pays for it with a technical. The player argued himself right off the floor. That mouth pays the bills in that line of work, and tonight it cost him the fourth quarter.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Albus Dumbledore has known that all night long. The beauty of it is that Aang never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. King Kong loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

Heading in. King Kong's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. They say King Kong has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. And now, our halftime TV game show Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! To win a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office, text HOOPS to 555-0278 and answer this question: 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.

SPIN and GO! Aang pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Somebody show the rest of the league what the warrior just did on that block. Footwork straight out of 1987!

Aang rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. King Von plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

They have to shoot over the top of this thing, and the top of it is a long way up. Filthy work from King Von. OHHHH what a hustle play from Albus Dumbledore! He had no business getting a finger on that basketball.

Back at the shop they have got this review up on every phone with the teacher in the frame, and nobody is getting any work done. Off the defender! Ball back to Rubeus Hagrid!

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Aang drops it off to King Kong on time and on target. The player just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the player! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Cross court, on a rope, from the rapper. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. The teacher just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? The player had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Day job, then this: the rapper reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Aang rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Chased down from behind and wrapped up before he can get into his dribble, all courtesy of King Kong. Here comes the free throw parade.

Aang whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Rubeus Hagrid nods without conviction. And here is the answer to our game Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! Verna Lou Cottongim of Flat Tire, Arizona, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' The answer was of course nobody knows, because they multiply in the off-season. Verna Lou takes home a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office! Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

88-133 (L)

Small thing, a jump ball, but King Kong winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

The rapper just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Dribble handoff from King Kong, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Textbook footwork, textbook release from Rubeus Hagrid, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and King Von pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Onions! King Von did that with a hand in his face.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Halftime. Albus Dumbledore throws his towel on the floor walking in. Fun fact: Albus Dumbledore tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. And now, our halftime TV game show Beat the Clock Radio! To win a coupon book for a car wash that closed in 2011, text HOOPS to 555-0022 and answer this question: 'Why is the mascot always slightly damp?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

Somebody explain how the warrior reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Rubeus Hagrid, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Shot clock at one, and Rubeus Hagrid just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

The rapper just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. King Von rises from deep, the defender flies in a half second late, and the officials put up three fingers.

Cross court, on a rope, from the researcher. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. The teacher just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! King Kong went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

King Von feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. Rubeus Hagrid threads a BEAUTY to King Von under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Clean feed from Albus Dumbledore, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then King Von rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. The rapper just dropped a teardrop over a seven footer. Soft hands must run in that trade!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

The researcher just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. The teacher just created his own space with a stepback. Somewhere a scout is spitting coffee all over his notepad. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Rubeus Hagrid launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Take the foul, live with whatever happens at the line. King Kong clamps down on the ball handler and the whistle does the rest.

Albus Dumbledore's gaze is cold, distant. Rubeus Hagrid's gaze is hot, angry. And here is the answer to our game Beat the Clock Radio! Buford Wamsley of Cement City, Michigan, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Why is the mascot always slightly damp?' The answer was of course that is strictly between the mascot and the mascot. Buford takes home a coupon book for a car wash that closed in 2011! I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

73-118 (L)

Tip is UP and King Kong gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Two guys on the exact same page, King Von and King Kong, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Bless him, King Von tried a move he has clearly only ever pulled off in an empty gym at midnight. Walk.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

King Kong eats the contact so Aang can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Pull-up from the elbow by Aang, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Break. King Kong collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Anecdote: King Kong lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. And now, our halftime TV game show Go Fish for Answers! To win a porch swing missing every single chain, text HOOPS to 555-0468 and answer this question: 'What is the average lifespan of a whistle used in a middle school gym?' We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

Albus Dumbledore sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Aang finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. OHHHH! Albus Dumbledore went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Rubeus Hagrid sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Aang lays it right on his hands in traffic! Not a hand on him. Rubeus Hagrid flat missed the bunny.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at King Von the moment he crosses half court. Up goes the shot from King Von and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Albus Dumbledore passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Albus Dumbledore rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Aang, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet. Hustle play of the night so far. King Von gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. The rapper just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! OHHHH, Rubeus Hagrid from WAY downtown off the catch! The defense rotated a half second late and paid full price.

Rubeus Hagrid pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. San Antonio Skyscrapers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Worst possession of the night for the other team, and Albus Dumbledore just turned it into three points at the stripe. Free of charge.

The coach just drew up the biggest play of the night for the warrior, a sentence I did not expect to say out loud this evening. Coach spent a timeout on a play for the warrior and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

Hands out, palms up, Aang shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. King Kong is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

King Kong's eyes are red, jaw tight. King Von apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. And here is the answer to our game show Go Fish for Answers! Peggy Ann Winterbottom of Two Chairs, Nebraska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the average lifespan of a whistle used in a middle school gym?' The answer was of course six years, or two seasons of an especially loud coach. Peggy Ann therefore wins a porch swing missing every single chain! Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

88-133 (L)

Rubeus Hagrid controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The help defender committed way too early, and Aang made him pay for it with a spin they will be replaying all week. Blocked into the floor. Aang will be seeing that one in his sleep.

Here comes the slip from Rubeus Hagrid, and Aang reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Two points left on the floor by Rubeus Hagrid, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

End of the first act. Rubeus Hagrid is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Little scoop: Rubeus Hagrid logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. And now, our halftime TV game show Hee Haw Halftime Hoedown! To win a stack of TV listings magazines from the winter of 1986, text HOOPS to 555-0466 and answer this question: 'How many gallons of sweat does an average pep band produce?' Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

Beaten on the glass again, and King Kong needs help down there.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Aang controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Look how low King Von keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and King Von rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, King Von tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

The warrior just jumped a passing lane like a ten-year pro and took it the distance. What a league this is! Everything starts with that release, Aang hitting King Von in full flight before the defense has even turned around. King Von attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Turnover, layup, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Aang walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Whirl, and GONE! Albus Dumbledore leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Albus Dumbledore goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Over the top of everybody. King Von to King Kong in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! King Kong never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! The player gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Day job, then this: the warrior reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. So close. King Von can only stare at the iron.

Whistles. Monitor. And Rubeus Hagrid standing frozen at midcourt. OHHHH the cruelty! Two tenths, and Rubeus Hagrid gets absolutely nothing.

Rubeus Hagrid lets out a big exhale walking through the door. King Kong holds his in. And here is the answer to our game Hee Haw Halftime Hoedown! Trudy Gebhardt of Sauerkraut Bend, North Dakota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many gallons of sweat does an average pep band produce?' The answer was of course just under four, and most of it from the tuba section. Trudy takes home a stack of TV listings magazines from the winter of 1986! My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.