My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | New York Over-Timers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Ja Morant. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 191 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. And now, the moment nobody was waiting for but everybody is going to love: the coach signed Stephen Hawking. The man is a university professor. A freaking university professor. In a league where everybody is 6'8" and runs a 4.4 forty, he rolls up with their lecture notes and a suspicious amount of enthusiasm. His first instinct walking into the locker room? Ask where the coffee machine was. His second instinct? Try to dribble and bounce the ball straight into his own face. The teammates lost it. The coach just said "that's the kind of grit I was looking for." We still don't know if he was serious or completely hammered. The budget is fine, nothing more. This is the team that shops with a list and puts back the name-brand cereal for the store brand. They've got a serviceable roster, a guy or two who can drop 20 on a good night, but beyond that, it's filler. The coach works with what he's got, which ain't much, but he makes it work. This is the team that can beat anyone on a Tuesday night and get demolished on Friday. The textbook definition of "depends on the night."
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
89-134 (L)
This global icon Donald Trump comes out firing! A bucket in the first minute!
Donald Trump, this franchise cornerstone, with a contested reverse layup that misses in transition!
Ja Morant tries to be too fancy and loses the pill! Sometimes predictable game in the decision-making!
Donald Trump loses their assignment! Like losing their portfolio ledger in the workshop!
Donald Trump is visibly upset! Upset as an investor when the next venture goes sideways!
Halftime! Donald Trump walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Little scoop: Donald Trump logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Stephen Hawking shoots an air ball in a cathedral silence! A university professor lost in the noise!
CaseOh plays through exhaustion! The endurance of competing the game daily!
This legit talent Ja Morant with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
CaseOh gets a technical for complaining! Lack of consistency on full display!
Stephen Hawking walks off in defeat! Even a university professor's skills couldn't save tonight!
Arnold Schwarzenegger claps his hands in frustration. Ja Morant clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
85-106 (L)
Arnold Schwarzenegger lands the first floater! First blood! The film producer strikes first!
A step-back three from Arnold Schwarzenegger hits the iron! Limited stamina under the spotlight!
Arnold Schwarzenegger loses the rock! A film producer would never be this careless!
Ja Morant turns the head and loses the man! This hooper's hooper napping defensively!
Ja Morant, this well-respected player, operates in the paint with a scoop layup! Clinic!
That's a cut. Arnold Schwarzenegger stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Did you know Arnold Schwarzenegger plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Donald Trump tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the investor will bounce back!
CaseOh steps back but the shot rims out! Tendency to rush rears its ugly head!
Stephen Hawking shifts the defense! Moving pieces like a university professor at work!
Arnold Schwarzenegger, this versatile guy, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
CaseOh hangs their head! A digital transformation consultant who gave everything they had!
Donald Trump hurls his water bottle at the wall. Arnold Schwarzenegger flinches but doesn't react. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
85-109 (L)
Tip-off! Ja Morant gets us started! Let's go!
CaseOh misfires! The digital transformation consultant's precision with the game is nowhere to be found!
Stolen from Stephen Hawking! A university professor who let it slip through their fingers!
Donald Trump, this versatile guy, fouls unnecessarily off the pick and roll! Limited stamina!
Donald Trump converts the and-one! Tough as bankrolling the next venture all day!
Halftime! CaseOh is limping slightly heading off the court. Juicy anecdote: CaseOh was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Stephen Hawking, this versatile guy, pounds the scorer's table! Lack of consistency on full display!
Off the mark for Donald Trump! Great investor, not so great at basketball tonight!
Arnold Schwarzenegger manipulates the defense! Manipulation worthy of their loaded checkbook on the risky picture!
Donald Trump, this hall-of-fame lock, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
CaseOh consoles teammates! The heart of a digital transformation consultant in that moment!
Stephen Hawking stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Ja Morant comes back to get him. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
101-117 (L)
Stephen Hawking gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a university professor on day one!
Donald Trump can't convert! The investor's touch with the next venture deserted them!
Stephen Hawking gets the ball stripped! The young scholars would have stayed in a university professor's grip!
Stephen Hawking overcommits! Going all-in like a university professor on the young scholars, but wrong!
Arnold Schwarzenegger scores with their loaded checkbook, no, with their hands! But the precision is the same!
That's a cut. Donald Trump stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Donald Trump slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
This hidden prospect CaseOh slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
This potential GOAT Arnold Schwarzenegger throws up a prayer at the buzzer! Not answered!
CaseOh takes off to the weak side! This hungry young player exploiting the rotation!
Donald Trump powers through! The investor in them won't quit on the next venture!
Donald Trump refuses to make excuses! An investor owns the next venture failures too!
Ja Morant avoids the cameras like the plague. Stephen Hawking gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
84-128 (L)
Arnold Schwarzenegger huddles with the team! Huddling up, the film producer strategizes!
CaseOh misses the layup! Even the game would have gone in easier!
CaseOh loses possession! The game never leaves a digital transformation consultant's hands like that!
Donald Trump scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Tendency to force bad shots!
Donald Trump glares at the Wilson! Like it personally betrayed this investor!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! CaseOh walks head down toward the tunnel. Little scoop: CaseOh logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
This certified GOAT candidate Donald Trump misses the mark! A free throw goes begging at the buzzer!
This established player Ja Morant can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
CaseOh with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
This hooper's hooper Ja Morant fouls hard out of frustration! Injury-prone body showing!
CaseOh had the chances but couldn't convert. This hungry young player left wanting.
Stephen Hawking walks toward the tunnel without a word. Ja Morant stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
80-111 (L)
Arnold Schwarzenegger opens with a euro-step! This guy with rings on every finger making an early statement!
Arnold Schwarzenegger penetrates but it's well off! Defense that's basically a suggestion under fatigue!
Ja Morant drives into a dead end at half court! Turnover! Occasional mental lapses!
Arnold Schwarzenegger reacts too late to rotate! Injury-prone body on the help side!
Arnold Schwarzenegger slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a film producer hits the workbench!
Coach calls everyone back. Donald Trump drags his feet toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Donald Trump is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Stephen Hawking denied by the basket! Even a university professor can't pry it open!
Arnold Schwarzenegger, this guy with rings on every finger, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
CaseOh throws it out of bounds! Like launching their bare hands into the void!
Arnold Schwarzenegger shakes their head! A film producer who can't believe that just happened!
Arnold Schwarzenegger leaves the gymnasium quietly! Quiet as a film producer after the risky picture setback!
Arnold Schwarzenegger sits on the floor in the hallway. Ja Morant sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Tonight I learned Arnold Schwarzenegger used to be a university professor before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
91-126 (L)
Arnold Schwarzenegger stretches center court! Loosening up, the film producer is getting ready!
Stephen Hawking, this potential GOAT, comes up empty! A bank shot off target from mid-range!
Stephen Hawking dribbles the pill right to the defense! Costly mistake by this generational talent!
Donald Trump gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the next venture on a rough day!
CaseOh vents at their teammates! The digital transformation consultant who vents about the game!
The locker room. Arnold Schwarzenegger sprawls out full-length on the bench. True story: Arnold Schwarzenegger walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Toronto Border-Patrol. Awkward. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, this solid build, can't finish on the low block! That one stings!
Arnold Schwarzenegger, this swiss-army-knife type, looks exhausted under the basket! The legs are gone!
CaseOh, this combo guard, gets stripped at the buzzer! Tendency to rush exposed!
This first-ballot legend Stephen Hawking can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Donald Trump takes the loss hard! Hard as the next venture on a bad investor day!
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Donald Trump walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
83-128 (L)
The game begins and Stephen Hawking is ready! You can see silky smooth technique written all over his face!
Arnold Schwarzenegger steps back the basketball right into the defender's hands! Lack of consistency!
CaseOh turns it over on the final possession! A digital transformation consultant dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
Donald Trump gets screened out! Stuck behind their portfolio ledger like it's a wall!
This certified GOAT candidate Stephen Hawking hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at the top of the key!
Halftime! Arnold Schwarzenegger is limping slightly heading off the court. Fun fact: Arnold Schwarzenegger was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
CaseOh launches the damn ball into nothing! Ego the size of Texas on full display tonight!
Ja Morant drives but the legs won't cooperate! Tendency to rush catching up!
Arnold Schwarzenegger charges right into the defender! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure when controlling pace!
Ja Morant, this solid build, sits down hard on the bench! Hot head written all over his face!
Ja Morant walks off in silence. This player on the come-up gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Stephen Hawking walks toward the tunnel without a word. Ja Morant stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
92-116 (L)
CaseOh locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a digital transformation consultant who means business!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Stephen Hawking rattles it out! So close yet so far from the left corner!
This franchise cornerstone Donald Trump commits the offensive foul! Turnover from the right corner!
Donald Trump gets posted up and scored on! This living legend overpowered!
This global icon Donald Trump with a beautiful bank shot along the baseline! Poetry in motion!
Off to the locker room. Ja Morant has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote: Ja Morant once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Stephen Hawking drops the head after another miss! Defense that's basically a suggestion sapping the confidence!
Donald Trump bricks another one! Building something awful with their portfolio ledger tonight!
Donald Trump overloads one side! Loading up with investor strategy!
Donald Trump bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like an investor after their portfolio ledger overtime!
Donald Trump drives past the media. This first-ballot legend not in the mood to talk.
Stephen Hawking claps his hands in frustration. CaseOh clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
77-122 (L)
CaseOh wins the opening tip! Tipping off with digital transformation consultant energy!
Donald Trump misses the open look! An investor never misses the next venture... But misses the ball!
Turnover by CaseOh! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
CaseOh gets screened out of the play! This total unknown lost in traffic!
CaseOh mouths off and picks up a T! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Intermission. CaseOh dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Fun fact: CaseOh failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Arnold Schwarzenegger forces a bucket at the top of the key! This all-time great trying too hard!
Donald Trump is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure investor stubbornness!
CaseOh, this versatile guy, gets called for the carry! Shaky emotions under pressure in ball-handling!
CaseOh dishes the towel! This potential breakout star showing sometimes predictable game!
This legit talent Ja Morant shakes hands and moves on. In the end, hot head proved costly.
Stephen Hawking and Ja Morant share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Behind the scenes, I learned Ja Morant was also a university professor in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
81-126 (L)
CaseOh, this potential breakout star, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Stephen Hawking misfires in transition! Their lecture notes calibration needed!
This raw talent CaseOh gets pickpocketed from the left corner! Sloppy handling!
Ja Morant, this all-around player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over lack of consistency!
Donald Trump pulls up away from the huddle! This absolute legend in a dark place mentally!
The players disappear. Stephen Hawking has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Confession: Stephen Hawking tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
CaseOh misses the free throw! Competing the game under pressure is easier!
CaseOh asks for the ball to slow the pace! This guy nobody was talking about needs air!
Intercepted! CaseOh's pass snatched right out of the air! A digital transformation consultant would never be that careless!
Stephen Hawking mutters to himself walking back! This potential GOAT fighting inner demons!
Arnold Schwarzenegger, this tweener, hangs the head. Tough loss despite unreal swagger effort.
Arnold Schwarzenegger bites the inside of his cheek. Stephen Hawking pinches the bridge of his nose. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
90-135 (L)
Arnold Schwarzenegger bounces the Wilson pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Ja Morant, this tweener, gets the look but can't convert from way beyond the arc!
Donald Trump explodes into a trap! Tendency to rush when reading the defense!
This guy with rings on every finger Donald Trump commits the and-one foul! Lack of consistency in positioning!
CaseOh mouths off at the jump ball! A digital transformation consultant venting about the game!
Halftime. The doctor examines CaseOh's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Intel: CaseOh refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, this all-around player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Heavy feet!
Arnold Schwarzenegger gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a film producer begging the risky picture for mercy!
Donald Trump blows past carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Ja Morant storms to the bench! This next-level player is visibly upset!
This next-level player Ja Morant tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Stephen Hawking replays the score in his head on a loop. Ja Morant tries to think about something else. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
76-121 (L)
Stephen Hawking begins their shift on the den! A university professor starting the their lecture notes shift!
Donald Trump dunks the damn ball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Arnold Schwarzenegger dribbles it off their foot! Their loaded checkbook would never betray a film producer like that!
Stephen Hawking gets burned on the drive! Hot head in lateral movement!
Arnold Schwarzenegger slams the orange in frustration! Lack of consistency on full display!
Halftime. CaseOh wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Small detail: CaseOh wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
CaseOh, this versatile guy, wastes a golden chance with a wild buzzer beater!
Arnold Schwarzenegger finds a second wind! The film producer engine roars back to life!
CaseOh commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
Stephen Hawking crosses over and kicks the stanchion! This certified GOAT candidate losing composure!
Ja Morant, this seasoned vet, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Stephen Hawking pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. CaseOh takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
84-126 (L)
Stephen Hawking checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Donald Trump, this franchise cornerstone, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Donald Trump, this solid build, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted facing the rim!
CaseOh gets crossed over! This player nobody saw coming left frozen back to the basket!
This raw talent CaseOh gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Players head to the locker room. Arnold Schwarzenegger has tape on three fingers. Did you know Arnold Schwarzenegger plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
CaseOh air-mails a buzzer beater at half court! Way off for this rising star!
Ja Morant drives but can't sustain the effort! Defense that's basically a suggestion emptying the tank!
Stephen Hawking coughs up the basketball! Ego the size of Texas strikes again at the buzzer!
Donald Trump stares in disbelief! The look of an investor who just lost everything!
CaseOh sits alone on the bench. This potential breakout star processing the defeat.
CaseOh stares at the floor while Stephen Hawking mutters something inaudible under his breath. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
73-118 (L)
Arnold Schwarzenegger, this do-it-all player, announced to huge cheers! A standing ovation!
CaseOh clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
Donald Trump with the lazy pass! Tendency to force bad shots leading to easy points!
Donald Trump, this smooth operator, gets dunked on from way beyond the arc! Poster material!
Ja Morant can't mask the disappointment! This name that's buzzing wearing it on the sleeve!
The locker room fills up. CaseOh has already eaten three oranges. Fun fact: CaseOh tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
The rim rejects CaseOh! The rim says no! Even a digital transformation consultant gets rejected sometimes!
Stephen Hawking is gassed! More tired than after a full day of challenging the young scholars!
Ja Morant, this tweener, commits the travel! Ego the size of Texas in the footwork!
Stephen Hawking buries their face! Hidden from view, the university professor can't watch!
Stephen Hawking looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a university professor!
Stephen Hawking is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Ja Morant waits at the tunnel entrance. I learned backstage that Ja Morant also does university professor on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Ja Morant.
Season journal
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