My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

86-131 (L)

Stephen Curry comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. Barack Obama just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the community organizer, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Swing, swing, and Stephen Curry finds Xi Jinping on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Beautiful footwork on that one from Xi Jinping, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. The statesperson launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

No roll this time. Stephen Curry swings it right back to Barack Obama above the break, and it is PURE. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Barack Obama cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

Both teams head to the locker room. Peter Griffin wipes his forehead with his jersey. Small detail: Peter Griffin wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Smell! To win a barbecue apron that reads KISS THE FORKLIFT OPERATOR, text HOOPS to 555-0357 and answer this question: 'Which is heavier, a pound of orange slices or a pound of team spirit?' On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Detroit Engine-Roar in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The community organizer makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Straight down the baseline goes the player! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. Watch the footwork from Peter Griffin: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Peter Griffin climbs two rows into the stands and gets swallowed by strangers. He comes back out with somebody's cap on backward and a smear of nacho cheese on his shoulder. Barack Obama refuses to touch him. This building has never been happier about anything.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Stephen Curry put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Stephen Curry. Cruel.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Barack Obama the moment he crosses half court. Down, up, and gone for Barack Obama. The rim is just toying with him now.

Body to body all the way to the rim and the arm goes up. That is on Xi Jinping, and this crew is not letting anything go tonight. That is what carrying five fouls into the third quarter does to you. Xi Jinping never adjusted his hands, and now the coach has to improvise down the stretch.

Bucket for Detroit Engine-Roar. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Peter Griffin attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Straight back to the office for the player, and the group chat has already seen it twice.

Right through the window. Barack Obama to Peter Griffin on the roll, and the help was a half step late. That is twice tonight Peter Griffin has tried to create with the dribble already dead, and this league does not reward that.

The player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Stephen Curry gives it up to Xi Jinping on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Xi Jinping hands it off to Arnold Schwarzenegger, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Xi Jinping backs his man down, feels the contact, spins middle and drops it in over both hands. Fundamentals!

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Arnold Schwarzenegger and an assistant coach who both want to hug Xi Jinping first. Xi Jinping lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Xi Jinping mutters while walking out. Peter Griffin watches from the corner of his eye, worried. And here is the answer to our game Name That Smell! Odell Trippett of Broke Axle, Alaska, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Which is heavier, a pound of orange slices or a pound of team spirit?' The answer was of course the orange slices, and it is not close. Odell takes home a barbecue apron that reads KISS THE FORKLIFT OPERATOR! Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

79-116 (L)

Xi Jinping controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Barack Obama makes it every single trip down the floor. Xi Jinping sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Stephen Curry finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. The statesperson just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! OHHHHH FROM THE LOGO! Arnold Schwarzenegger pulls up from another area code and it is PURE!

Arnold Schwarzenegger steps over the defender who ended up on the floor and keeps walking, never looks down. Cold as a meat locker. The building erupts twice, once for the bucket and once for the disrespect. The replay gets its own dedicated camera angle.

More second chance points for Miami Heart-Attack, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

One hard jab step and Stephen Curry is leaning the wrong way, and the drive goes right past his shoulder.

Cut! Halftime. Arnold Schwarzenegger's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Fun fact: Arnold Schwarzenegger got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. And now, our halftime TV game show Let Us Make a Deal! To win a jar of pickles from 1997 with the label soaked clean off, text HOOPS to 555-0044 and answer this question: 'Why do referees always walk faster than everybody else in the building?' Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

A chair knocked flat, an assistant coach holding somebody back by the jersey, that whole row completely unhinged. That is the Stephen Curry effect. That is ninety-four feet of pure effort from Peter Griffin, and that is the play a locker room remembers in April.

The statesperson just flattened a man who had both feet planted. Charge, turnover, and a very quiet walk back on defense.

Dagger from Miami Heart-Attack. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Kick out to Stephen Curry, one more to Peter Griffin, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. The player misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

Turnover, layup, Miami Heart-Attack straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Nobody is touching the paint with the statesperson parked in the middle of it. That is a full time defender doing a part time job, or the other way around. The community organizer just blocked a jump shot into the stands and went back on defense like it was a normal Tuesday.

The community organizer just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Barack Obama beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Miami Heart-Attack again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

OHHHH the bench is GONE! Towels over heads, bodies off the chairs, all because of Arnold Schwarzenegger! Snatched! Xi Jinping came out of NOWHERE for that one.

HERE IT COMES! Every soul in this gym knows the ball is going to Xi Jinping, and it may not matter one bit. Xi Jinping delivers on the second option, Stephen Curry buries it, and the coach is already walking back to the bench like he knew. He did know.

Stone silence for one second, then Stephen Curry lets out something that is not really a word, more a sound from the basement of a human being. Barack Obama answers with the same noise. The arena joins in. There is no language left in this building.

Xi Jinping leaves the court at a jog. Arnold Schwarzenegger stays there, planted at center court, motionless. And here is the answer to our game Let Us Make a Deal! Herschel Bumgarner of Two Silos, Nebraska, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Why do referees always walk faster than everybody else in the building?' The answer was of course because somewhere in that building there is a sandwich with their name on it. Herschel takes home a jar of pickles from 1997 with the label soaked clean off! During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

90-134 (L)

Tip is UP and Xi Jinping gets there first! We are underway and it is our ball.

Look how low Peter Griffin keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. Peter Griffin had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

Bench energy is real currency over a long season, and Stephen Curry just handed his teammates a full bank account. OHHHH, Stephen Curry just took that thing right out of his hands!

The extra pass! Peter Griffin had the look, gave it up anyway, and Xi Jinping buries it. BANG! That is what heavy minutes do, Xi Jinping has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

More second chance points for Orlando Magic-Beans, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Off to the locker room. Barack Obama has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote: Barack Obama threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. And now, our halftime TV game show Hee Haw Halftime Hoedown! To win a stack of TV listings magazines from the winter of 1986, text HOOPS to 555-0466 and answer this question: 'How many gallons of sweat does an average pep band produce?' The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.

SKIP PASS! Stephen Curry fires it cross court to Arnold Schwarzenegger and the defense is dead in the water! Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. That is the shot Arnold Schwarzenegger wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The community organizer takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. The community organizer had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Dagger from Orlando Magic-Beans. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The defender planted his feet, and Barack Obama said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Shot clock at one, and Barack Obama just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Chest to chest, forearm legal, feet churning, Xi Jinping wins the battle for position before the move even begins. Rebound, look, gone. Xi Jinping to Peter Griffin and this is a footrace now. Peter Griffin attacks the paint, absorbs the bump, twists his body all the way around the defender and reverses it in. FILTHY.

Peter Griffin finds the courtside camera lens, leans all the way in and says absolutely nothing. Just breathes on it. Eight seconds of national television filled by one enormous face. Arnold Schwarzenegger photobombs with crossed eyes, and the clip runs on every highlight show by midnight.

Xi Jinping goes up with the hands to the ceiling and the shot comes off the front rim. Textbook verticality. OUTLET! Barack Obama rips the board and fires it ahead to Xi Jinping before anybody gets back! The statesperson just spun through two defenders and reversed that in. Nothing about this is a normal Tuesday!

Bent double with his hands on his knees, Xi Jinping takes one breath, straightens up and points at the coach who drew the play in the huddle. The coach nods once, no smile. Barack Obama pounds the man's shoulder anyway. Respect, delivered at maximum volume.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Orlando Magic-Beans with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Nothing left to play for here. Barack Obama plays out the string and the box score does the rest of the talking.

Stephen Curry's complexion is grey. Barack Obama's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. And here is the answer to our game Hee Haw Halftime Hoedown! Trudy Gebhardt of Sauerkraut Bend, North Dakota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many gallons of sweat does an average pep band produce?' The answer was of course just under four, and most of it from the tuba section. Trudy takes home a stack of TV listings magazines from the winter of 1986! Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

83-117 (L)

Dagger from Philadelphia Injury-Report. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

He sets it late, he sets it wide, and he sets it while jogging. Three for three, Xi Jinping, and the possession is gone.

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Here comes Xi Jinping sprinting off the elbow. Stephen Curry slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Xi Jinping goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard. The statesperson outworked everybody on the glass! Effort does not care what is printed on your business card. OHHHH he went and GOT that! Xi Jinping with the putback jam over two bodies.

Philadelphia Injury-Report again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Halftime! Arnold Schwarzenegger looks in the mirror and shakes his head. I've been told Arnold Schwarzenegger always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! To win a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting, text HOOPS to 555-0975 and answer this question: 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.

POCKET PASS! Peter Griffin threads it to Stephen Curry between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Watch the feet on Stephen Curry there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Peter Griffin just gift wrapped three free throws on a heat check. Nothing but trouble ahead for Peter Griffin. Third foul, and this crew is calling it tight on both ends of the floor.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Philadelphia Injury-Report, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Three guys in warmups are halfway onto the floor celebrating what Peter Griffin just did, and an official has to wave them back to their seats.

Stephen Curry turns the corner off the screen from Peter Griffin, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! Moving screen on the player. The rule book is weeping and the coach is already up off the bench.

Peter Griffin kicks it over to Xi Jinping, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Watch the spacing, Xi Jinping drags two bodies toward the ball and Peter Griffin is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. The player launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Cold blooded from Philadelphia Injury-Report, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Barack Obama gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Stephen Curry saw it a beat early. A full spin move through traffic from the community organizer! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Reverse layup by Barack Obama, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the community organizer, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Arnold Schwarzenegger comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Arnold Schwarzenegger went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Under review. Arnold Schwarzenegger does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. The film producer is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

Arnold Schwarzenegger turns back to look at the court one last time. Barack Obama doesn't turn around. And here is the answer to our game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! Leonard Skidmore of Tumbleweed Alley, Arizona, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' The answer was of course that nobody knows, and the janitors have agreed to stop asking. Leonard therefore wins a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting! Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

96-128 (L)

Cold blooded from Phoenix No-Defense, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Cross court, on a rope, from the community organizer. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Give and go! Stephen Curry gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Stephen Curry blows the wide open layup!

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Barack Obama. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the community organizer, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the community organizer made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. The community organizer just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

That's a wrap for now. Stephen Curry dives into the tunnel. Intel: Stephen Curry asked Phoenix No-Defense for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And now, our halftime TV game show The Price is Wrong, Bob! To win a velvet painting of a raccoon in a tuxedo, text HOOPS to 555-0187 and answer this question: 'What is the middle name of the man who invented the folding chair?' Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.

Barack Obama launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Off the pin-down comes the statesperson with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. The statesperson launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Stephen Curry has known that all night long. Ball into Barack Obama at the elbow, Xi Jinping plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Off the dribble, a full step behind the logo, straight down. Tomorrow the statesperson goes back to work, tonight he owns this arena.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Xi Jinping strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Stephen Curry carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

From WAY downtown off the pop! Stephen Curry with the extra pass and CASH. Fifth possession this half where Arnold Schwarzenegger has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Stephen Curry whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Xi Jinping had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Dagger from Phoenix No-Defense. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. Barack Obama stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Barack Obama launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Phoenix No-Defense, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Set called, Peter Griffin waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. They do not teach that in the player handbook, and yet here we are. Beautiful little exchange. Perfect arc. Stephen Curry makes seven feet of rim protection completely irrelevant.

Stephen Curry pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Arnold Schwarzenegger on time and on target. The film producer reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. The big man never even contested it, and Arnold Schwarzenegger still could not get the runner to drop. That one is on him.

Xi Jinping bites the inside of his cheek. Peter Griffin pinches the bridge of his nose. And here is the answer to our game The Price is Wrong, Bob! Wendell Frobisher of Gravy Fork, West Virginia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the middle name of the man who invented the folding chair?' The answer was of course Delbert, and the man himself never once sat down. Wendell takes home a velvet painting of a raccoon in a tuxedo! Did you know that Peter Griffin practices community organizer on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

97-126 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Xi Jinping who wins the little argument at center court.

Turnover, layup, Los Angeles Nursing-Home straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Illegal screen on Xi Jinping. All that effort, and the reward is a whistle and a long walk back on defense.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Stephen Curry gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Peter Griffin rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Dagger from Los Angeles Nursing-Home. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Halftime whistle. Xi Jinping has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Locker room anecdote: Xi Jinping talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. And now, our halftime TV game show Fear Factor Lite! To win a scented candle that smells exactly like a bowling alley, text HOOPS to 555-0402 and answer this question: 'What is the wind speed inside a ceiling fan?' Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Stephen Curry just did it by hitting Barack Obama on the back side with acres of room. Barack Obama holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Xi Jinping flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Xi Jinping, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Los Angeles Nursing-Home with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Ball moves. Stephen Curry to Xi Jinping, on time and on target. Full stop, full sprint, and the statesperson is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. That is a forced shot from the statesperson that was doomed the moment it left the hand, and the bench has quietly decided to look at the floor for a moment.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Baseline spin from Barack Obama at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. That is a dime from Stephen Curry that deserved so much better, and Barack Obama knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Arnold Schwarzenegger precisely where the play wanted it. Down screen, and Arnold Schwarzenegger curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Not a hand on him. Arnold Schwarzenegger flat missed the bunny.

Cross court, on a rope, from the community organizer. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. OHHHH the hesi! Xi Jinping froze him solid and he is already gone! Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and Xi Jinping rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Barack Obama breaks a shell down. OHHHH the pin-down! Stephen Curry pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Barack Obama. Brutal. Heat check for Stephen Curry and it is GOOD. He is COOKING, and this building knows exactly what it is watching.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Stephen Curry does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

The longer they stay at that monitor, the louder this place gets, and Stephen Curry is refusing to look at the big screen. Freeze it right there: leather glued to the fingers of Stephen Curry, horn already screaming. No basket.

Stephen Curry sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Arnold Schwarzenegger puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. And here is the answer to our game Fear Factor Lite! Alvin Kluck of Cheese Ridge, Minnesota, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the wind speed inside a ceiling fan?' The answer was of course the same as outside it, only angrier. Alvin takes home a scented candle that smells exactly like a bowling alley! I got a text from Stephen Curry after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

79-124 (L)

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Peter Griffin threw it before the help even committed. Oldest play in the book, and Arnold Schwarzenegger runs it in his sleep. That drop coverage never had a prayer. Perfect drop-off from Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Peter Griffin answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The bench is up, the defender is begging for help, and Barack Obama keeps walking into the same spot and cashing. This building is SHAKING. Barack Obama just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

Hands out, palms up, Barack Obama shrugs at the officials like he cannot explain what he just did either. Dry as a bone. Peter Griffin is doubled over at half court and the broadcast crew is howling. It goes viral before the next possession even starts.

Late rotation from Xi Jinping, he arrives half a beat behind the drive and the contact is obvious to everybody in the building. Fourth foul on the statesperson and he is headed for the bench. Longest break the man has had since he took that job.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Stephen Curry never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Count them with me: one step, two steps, and a third one nobody asked for. The official has seen enough of Stephen Curry.

Back to the locker room. Peter Griffin's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. I've been told Peter Griffin once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. And now, our halftime TV game show Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! To win a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office, text HOOPS to 555-0278 and answer this question: 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits Xi Jinping in stride before the defense can even match up. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Xi Jinping pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Gift wrapped by Barack Obama, and Xi Jinping cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

No hero ball here: Stephen Curry takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Screen, hesitation, delivery, Xi Jinping drops it off perfectly for Barack Obama diving to the rim. Pull-up from the elbow by Barack Obama, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Over the top of everybody. Stephen Curry to Xi Jinping in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. The statesperson pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. The statesperson had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

Toronto Border-Patrol again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Eight on the shot clock, Barack Obama gets a piece of the entry, and the whole set is dead on arrival. Rebound to fast break in one motion, courtesy of the community organizer. That is not a hobby, that is a skill set. The statesperson just dunked on two grown men and drew the foul. Whatever that job pays, it is not enough.

Xi Jinping deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. Arnold Schwarzenegger arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

Cold blooded from Toronto Border-Patrol, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Laser from Barack Obama, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Hesitate, GO. Peter Griffin is by that hip before the man even blinks. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Peter Griffin has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Clean feed from Stephen Curry, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Barack Obama eats the contact so Xi Jinping can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. A cruel spin-out for the statesperson, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Stephen Curry refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Barack Obama watches it and immediately regrets it. And here is the answer to our game Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! Verna Lou Cottongim of Flat Tire, Arizona, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' The answer was of course nobody knows, because they multiply in the off-season. Verna Lou takes home a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office! My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

82-119 (L)

Cold blooded from Minnesota Ice-Wall, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. The film producer turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Two points left on the floor by Arnold Schwarzenegger, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Watch the spacing there, Peter Griffin hits Barack Obama right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. The beauty of it is that Barack Obama never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. Nasty finish. Peter Griffin hangs, adjusts in midair, and drops it through.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Peter Griffin stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

Cheap. Nothing about that shot was going down, and Xi Jinping handed over three freebies anyway. That is a brutal one to swallow. The other team is going to hunt Xi Jinping on every possession until he is gone.

End of the first half. Peter Griffin is beet red but still standing. Exclusive: Peter Griffin was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. And now, our halftime TV game show Lingo Bingo Combo Hour! To win a patio heater that produces light but no heat whatsoever, text HOOPS to 555-0876 and answer this question: 'How much does a championship banner weigh once the dust settles?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Watch the sell from Barack Obama here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Barack Obama up there and returns it with interest.

Cross court, on a rope, from the player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Two defenders collide on the handoff and Arnold Schwarzenegger is gone, so Xi Jinping earned that one even if the box score disagrees. That is body control you simply cannot coach: Arnold Schwarzenegger stays up a full beat longer than everybody else and finishes clean.

The player just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Here comes the slip from Xi Jinping, and Stephen Curry reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. Prayer from Xi Jinping. Not answered.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Stephen Curry controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Barack Obama rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Third one of these from Barack Obama this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Minnesota Ice-Wall with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The community organizer just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. A full spin move through traffic from the player! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Peter Griffin, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

Somewhere out there a film producer is learning that the day job never included defensive slides. Rough little moment. That block was spectacular and completely illegal. Xi Jinping walks back to the huddle with his head down.

Both coaches are up off the bench pleading while the officials walk the Stephen Curry sequence back frame by frame. The building went up, the building came right back down, and Stephen Curry is staring at a scoreboard that never moved.

Stephen Curry mutters while walking out. Peter Griffin watches from the corner of his eye, worried. And here is the answer to our game show Lingo Bingo Combo Hour! Faye Ellen Hocutt of Turnip Hollow, Maryland, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How much does a championship banner weigh once the dust settles?' The answer was of course eleven pounds of fabric and about a hundred pounds of expectation. Faye Ellen therefore wins a patio heater that produces light but no heat whatsoever! During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

87-130 (L)

Won it clean! Xi Jinping got up and over him with room to spare.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Houston Blast-Off with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Barack Obama pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. A cruel spin-out for the community organizer, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Houston Blast-Off in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

It started as a hard box out and it ended with Stephen Curry throwing an elbow the crew could not possibly ignore.

Break. Stephen Curry collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know? Stephen Curry launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feud But Nobody Is Related! To win a gently used trampoline with no springs and one very stern warning label, text HOOPS to 555-0231 and answer this question: 'How long does it take a hot dog to cool down in the upper deck in February?' Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Watch the spacing there, Peter Griffin hits Stephen Curry right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. BAAAANG! Stephen Curry sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. Deep. Deeper. GONE. Arnold Schwarzenegger drops it in from a spot the scouting report never even listed.

Arnold Schwarzenegger throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Barack Obama grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

REJECTED! Xi Jinping gets ALL of that jumper and the building erupts! The statesperson just threw an outlet that traveled farther than most people commute. Absurd. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Peter Griffin scooped that in from underneath the rim!

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, Peter Griffin tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

Four minutes without a point for Stephen Curry and his group. The offense has completely seized up. The player launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Stephen Curry walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Whirl, and GONE! Barack Obama leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. AIRBALL! Barack Obama missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Cross court, on a rope, from the player. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Stephen Curry gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. So close. Stephen Curry can only stare at the iron.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Stephen Curry controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Watch Arnold Schwarzenegger plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Xi Jinping out of that corner in a blink. That is the shot chart lying to you. Xi Jinping did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Barack Obama precisely where the play wanted it. Two guys on the exact same page, Barack Obama and Peter Griffin, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on Barack Obama, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

Arnold Schwarzenegger replays the score in his head on a loop. Xi Jinping tries to think about something else. And here is the answer to our game show Family Feud But Nobody Is Related! Delbert Cranfill of Bitter Creek Junction, Wyoming, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long does it take a hot dog to cool down in the upper deck in February?' The answer was of course eleven minutes, unless somebody nearby is breathing on it. Delbert therefore wins a gently used trampoline with no springs and one very stern warning label! Did you know that Xi Jinping practices community organizer on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

91-124 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Xi Jinping rips it out of the air and we are off.

Total control. Stephen Curry has this thing on a string. The community organizer just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Peter Griffin fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Denver Horse-Track in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. The statesperson turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the statesperson! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Both teams head in. Barack Obama has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Anecdote: Barack Obama once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. And now, our halftime TV game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! To win a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing, text HOOPS to 555-1207 and answer this question: 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.

The community organizer just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Peter Griffin, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. From WAY downtown! Peter Griffin launched that one from the parking lot!

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Peter Griffin watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

OHHHH that is ROUGH. Peter Griffin gets turned twice and hands it over without ever crossing the line.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits Xi Jinping in stride before the defense can even match up. The statesperson reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Rim out for Xi Jinping, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the player, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Unselfish basketball. Xi Jinping passes up a good shot and hands Stephen Curry a GREAT one. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Stephen Curry is walking back with both hands on his head.

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Set called, Barack Obama waved out to the corner, and Stephen Curry watches the spacing open up like a front door. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Barack Obama left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Peter Griffin threads a BEAUTY to Barack Obama under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Shot is up, Arnold Schwarzenegger loses the wrestling match on the block, and the ball comes down in enemy hands.

Whole huddle leaning in to hear it, and the plan is to hand the game to the film producer. Genius or madness, we are about to find out. OHHHH that is BEAUTIFUL basketball! Arnold Schwarzenegger finishes the set and the whole bench is up.

Bow to the crowd, a full waist bend with one arm across the stomach, the whole theatrical thing. Arnold Schwarzenegger holds it three seconds. Xi Jinping applauds behind him like a valet. Somebody in row two throws a bouquet of obviously fake roses onto the floor, and Arnold Schwarzenegger collects every last one.

Stephen Curry sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Xi Jinping has his head in his hands. And here is the answer to our game show Countdown to Nothing in Particular! Norma Jean Sprinkle of Butterbean Flats, Alaska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many hot dogs does a mascot eat before he stops enjoying it?' The answer was of course nine, and the tenth one is purely professional. Norma Jean therefore wins a jigsaw puzzle with all four corner pieces missing! Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

76-115 (L)

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Stephen Curry controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Arnold Schwarzenegger, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. Buzzer on the shot clock, Arnold Schwarzenegger heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Textbook two three with Stephen Curry manning the back line, and they have not seen a clean look in three trips. The entry pass goes in, Peter Griffin beats the big man to it, and this building is already standing up.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Barack Obama has all the room in the world. REJECTED! Barack Obama takes it in and gets it sent straight back into his own chest.

Back to the locker room. Stephen Curry's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Did you know? Stephen Curry launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. And now, our halftime TV game show Go Fish for Answers! To win a porch swing missing every single chain, text HOOPS to 555-0468 and answer this question: 'What is the average lifespan of a whistle used in a middle school gym?' Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. New York Over-Timers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Peter Griffin precisely where the play wanted it. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Peter Griffin and Arnold Schwarzenegger just played basketball and the defense got shredded. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Peter Griffin nothing.

Push the pace! Stephen Curry grabs it and hits Arnold Schwarzenegger in stride before the defense can even match up. OHHHH the pocket pass! Arnold Schwarzenegger splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Second pass beats the rotation, Stephen Curry to Peter Griffin, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Two defenders in the lane, Peter Griffin splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Pointing up at the family section, Peter Griffin taps his chest twice and holds up a fist. A kid in a replica jersey is crying, and so is his mother. A camera crew finds them in nine seconds flat. Sixty seconds of pure decency on national television.

Third look from distance for Stephen Curry tonight and the arc keeps flattening out, tired legs writing checks the jumper cannot cash. Stephen Curry SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Stephen Curry makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. OHHHH that is SILKY! Arnold Schwarzenegger with the teardrop, and it kisses through.

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Arnold Schwarzenegger never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

NO! Stephen Curry fouls a shooter behind the arc. Three free throws. That is malpractice. FIVE on Stephen Curry. One more and his night is finished.

Bucket for New York Over-Timers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Stephen Curry walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Stephen Curry just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Barack Obama half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the community organizer! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Left, right, gone. Stephen Curry put that defender on skates and never even looked back. Stephen Curry rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Peter Griffin on time and on target. Peter Griffin tries to force it through two bodies and finds nothing but the defender's hands.

Arnold Schwarzenegger sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Xi Jinping winces. And here is the answer to our game show Go Fish for Answers! Peggy Ann Winterbottom of Two Chairs, Nebraska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the average lifespan of a whistle used in a middle school gym?' The answer was of course six years, or two seasons of an especially loud coach. Peggy Ann therefore wins a porch swing missing every single chain! During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

76-120 (L)

Over the top of everybody. Peter Griffin to Xi Jinping in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Full stop, full sprint, and the statesperson is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Xi Jinping fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Stephen Curry, and not one single soul could do anything about it. Clang. Stephen Curry wants that one back.

Illegal, and expensive. The statesperson gets the goaltending call and the basket counts. Long day at the office, longer night under the rim.

One little shoulder dip from Stephen Curry and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. BRICK! Stephen Curry throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

First half is done. Stephen Curry is chugging Gatorade like it's water. True story: Stephen Curry had his parking spot stolen by Cleveland Twin-Towers's mascot. Still talks about it. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feudal! To win a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage, text HOOPS to 555-0263 and answer this question: 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' Back on the floor, faces full of determination.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Clean feed from Peter Griffin, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Screen, pop, SPLASH! Xi Jinping kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed Peter Griffin would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

Chest bump so violent that Peter Griffin and Stephen Curry both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Stephen Curry just did it by hitting Peter Griffin on the back side with acres of room. Screened, toasted, done. Peter Griffin is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. Getting to his spot and elevating, Peter Griffin puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Peter Griffin precisely where the play wanted it. Day job, then this: the player reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. Straight through the traffic, straight through the contact. The film producer finishes with a free throw coming and the paint suddenly feels very small.

Straight to the logo at center court, Arnold Schwarzenegger plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

OHHHH that is filthy! Stephen Curry on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. Nobody touched him, nobody trapped him, and Xi Jinping still coughed it up. Easiest whistle these officials will blow all night.

Dagger from Cleveland Twin-Towers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Unsportsmanlike foul on the film producer. Two shots and the ball back, a steep price for a man who came here on his day off. Not one hand went for the basketball, just a forearm through the chest of Arnold Schwarzenegger. That is the textbook definition of unnecessary contact.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Cleveland Twin-Towers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the community organizer, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. OHHHH, what a read by Arnold Schwarzenegger! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Xi Jinping!

Xi Jinping kicks his towel across the floor. Stephen Curry has already left for the locker room, alone. And here is the answer to our game Family Feudal! Randy Dinkins of Sockburn, Ohio, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What color is a school bus at two in the morning?' The answer was of course still yellow, but it means something different. Randy takes home a five-gallon bucket of assorted screws from a stranger's garage! During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

78-123 (L)

Arnold Schwarzenegger times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Towels are FLYING for the community organizer! Going back to the day job on Monday is going to feel extremely strange after a night like this. Hands like that on the film producer? Whatever he does all day, by night he is robbing people blind.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Boston Ring-Chasers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Stephen Curry punishes it with a read most guys never even see. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Peter Griffin is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Boston Ring-Chasers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Coach calls everyone back. Barack Obama drags his feet toward the tunnel. Exclusive info: Barack Obama is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. And now, our halftime TV game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! To win a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers, text HOOPS to 555-0759 and answer this question: 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.

The player lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession. Muscled away at the second jump by Barack Obama, and this offense resets with a fresh shot clock. The whole possession dies right there without Barack Obama on the offensive glass, and instead it becomes the two easiest points of the quarter.

Off comes the headband, launched into the crowd like a rock star, and the fight for it delays the inbound. Barack Obama watches two adults wrestle in row four. Half the arena is filming that instead of the game. Everybody in here has lost the plot.

More second chance points for Boston Ring-Chasers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Stephen Curry gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Long and gone. Stephen Curry floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Watch the change of pace from Stephen Curry, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Three-point play the old-fashioned way, and Stephen Curry buries the freebie without blinking.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Stephen Curry disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Xi Jinping is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Stephen Curry did all the dirty work on that one. DOUBLE DRIBBLE! Xi Jinping picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

Contested! Xi Jinping makes him change it in midair.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Two defenders, one gap, and Stephen Curry finds it. Onions on that pass. Peter Griffin gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Peter Griffin rides the ball handler all the way up the floor and finally puts a forearm in his back. Officials blow it dead.

Stephen Curry's eyes are red, jaw tight. Xi Jinping apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. And here is the answer to our game show Win Lose or Draw a Foul! Elmer Sizemore of Wet Sock, Louisiana, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the exact temperature of a gym with one working fan?' The answer was of course ninety four degrees near the fan and ninety six everywhere else. Elmer therefore wins a decorative plate commemorating the wedding of two strangers! During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

85-129 (L)

Turnover, layup, San Antonio Skyscrapers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Peter Griffin kicks it over to Arnold Schwarzenegger, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Full stop, full sprint, and the film producer is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Arnold Schwarzenegger missed that one with real conviction.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Stephen Curry already has the defense a full step behind. The community organizer reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. The community organizer had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Baseline wide open. Peter Griffin said thank you. Gift wrapped by Xi Jinping, and Peter Griffin cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

The locker room fills up. Peter Griffin has already eaten three oranges. Confession: Peter Griffin believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. And now, our halftime TV game show Hollywood Squares of Cheese! To win a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod, text HOOPS to 555-0134 and answer this question: 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.

No hero ball here: Stephen Curry takes what the defense gives and moves it along. This is the counter: Arnold Schwarzenegger punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Barack Obama fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

The player fouled a shooter behind the arc. Three free throws, and a timeout that is going to be extremely unpleasant. Five fouls on the player. One more bump and he goes back to being just a guy with a normal job.

This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Stephen Curry gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Stephen Curry loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

Stephen Curry throws both arms up and holds them there, letting the arena pull the sound out of him. Twenty thousand people on their feet at once. Barack Obama grabs his shoulders from behind and shakes him like a snow globe. The floor is genuinely vibrating.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

GONE down the baseline! Peter Griffin beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. The player just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, San Antonio Skyscrapers, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Stephen Curry makes it every single trip down the floor. Xi Jinping splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Two points left on the floor by Stephen Curry, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

More second chance points for San Antonio Skyscrapers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Active hands, quiet stat sheet. Stephen Curry has been poking at everything that moves for two straight quarters. Off the glass and out of the gym, Peter Griffin launches it and the break is ON! OHHHHH POSTERIZED! Xi Jinping just ENDED that defender at the rim!

OHHHH the pin-down! Peter Griffin pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Brutal. OHHHH, the cylinder rejects the player! Somewhere a whole workplace just yelled at a television.

Xi Jinping takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Peter Griffin follows the same path. And here is the answer to our game Hollywood Squares of Cheese! Dwayne Pickle of Beaver Hollow, Pennsylvania, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What is the correct number of ice cubes in a gas station soda?' The answer was of course all of them, that is the entire business model. Dwayne takes home a taxidermy squirrel holding a tiny fishing rod! While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

82-126 (L)

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Stephen Curry did that, and now the loudest twelve people in this arena are all wearing the same uniform he is. Four live-ball turnovers now for Stephen Curry, and every single one of them has turned into a bucket.

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Watch the spacing there, Stephen Curry hits Arnold Schwarzenegger right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Arnold Schwarzenegger drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. That is the shot chart lying to you. Stephen Curry did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

This is the counter: Stephen Curry punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. The player had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

Halftime whistle. Stephen Curry high-fives his teammates on the way out. Fun fact: Stephen Curry tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. And now, our halftime TV game show Card Sharks and Minnows! To win a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz, text HOOPS to 555-0209 and answer this question: 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Stephen Curry drops it off to Arnold Schwarzenegger on time and on target. Full stop, full sprint, and the film producer is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. Arnold Schwarzenegger had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Cold blooded from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Stephen Curry has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Peter Griffin precisely where the play wanted it. STOP AND GO! Peter Griffin hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. Peter Griffin rose straight over the top of him, and one.

The player makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Dribble handoff from Xi Jinping, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! BANG is what Stephen Curry was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

SKIP PASS! Stephen Curry fires it cross court to Arnold Schwarzenegger and the defense is dead in the water! That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Arnold Schwarzenegger does. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Arnold Schwarzenegger put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Dribble alive, patient, patient, and then Barack Obama slips it to Xi Jinping right in the pocket. Surgical. The statesperson gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here. Nobody put a body on Peter Griffin and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. Rebounding is effort, and effort is apparently what the player does for a living. Second chance points, all guts.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

SPIN and GO! Stephen Curry pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! In, around, and gone. The iron gives Stephen Curry nothing.

Xi Jinping hacks the arm on purpose, then throws both hands up like he has never touched a soul in his life. Nobody is buying it.

Xi Jinping walks head down toward the tunnel. Peter Griffin drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. And here is the answer to our game Card Sharks and Minnows! Norma Jean Slaughterbeck of Grease Rack, Indiana, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How deep is the deep end of a kiddie pool?' The answer was of course approximately one confident toddler. Norma Jean takes home a case of off-brand soda called Mister Fizz! Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.