My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇨🇦

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

80-124 (L)

Godzilla times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

A full spin move through traffic from the rapper! Whatever they teach in that trade, footwork is apparently part of it. Buzzer on the shot clock, Ice Spice heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Right through the window. Kim Kardashian to Godzilla on the roll, and the help was a half step late. A cruel spin-out for the player, and whatever that day job is, tonight it came with a brand new way to break your heart.

The celebrity just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Rising up out of the corner, Kim Kardashian sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Rest. Kim Kardashian buries her head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Staff confession: Kim Kardashian is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. And now, our halftime TV game show Guy Reads a Manual! To win a family-size tub of margarine autographed by a stranger, text HOOPS to 555-0345 and answer this question: 'How many people can hear a vending machine at three in the morning?' Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Cardi B launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Enough room out there to set up a lawn chair, and the player made it himself. Total professional, in a completely unrelated profession. Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and Godzilla rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

Watch the high hand from Kylie Jenner, right there on the shoulder, and suddenly there is nowhere to spin and nothing to shoot. OHHHH the speed of Kylie Jenner! Nobody in this building was catching him.

Golf swing follow-through, perfect form, Kylie Jenner tracks the imaginary ball into the upper deck with a hand shading his eyes. Somebody in the front row yells about a hole in one. The referee has now warned this team twice and been ignored twice.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The celebrity baits the contact, gets the whistle, and struts to the line like a ten-year pro. His boss is watching this and quietly rethinking next week's schedule. The crowd has already started the chant, and Kylie Jenner can hear every syllable. There is no hiding at that line.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Detroit Engine-Roar with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Watch the change of pace from Cardi B, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. The rapper launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Detroit Engine-Roar with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The rapper just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! Down, up, and gone for Ice Spice. The rim is just toying with him now.

Under review. Godzilla does not know yet whether he is the hero or the footnote. Brutal for the player, who owned the shot of a lifetime for about ninety seconds. Back to the day job with nothing but the story.

Kylie Jenner refuses the coach's embrace. Ice Spice accepts it but her body is stiff. And here is the answer to our game Guy Reads a Manual! Doris Ann Hoke of Butter Churn, New Hampshire, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many people can hear a vending machine at three in the morning?' The answer was of course everybody in the building, including the ones pretending to sleep. Doris Ann takes home a family-size tub of margarine autographed by a stranger! During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

88-133 (L)

Cold blooded from Miami Heart-Attack, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The whistle blows, Kylie Jenner throws his hands up in protest, and the replay is going to make that argument very short.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Court vision like that on the celebrity is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Clang. Cardi B wants that one back.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Cardi B retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the rapper, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Into the tunnel. Kim Kardashian grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Little secret: Kim Kardashian watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. And now, our halftime TV game show Press Your Luck, Buddy! To win a metal detector that only ever finds bottle caps, text HOOPS to 555-0451 and answer this question: 'Who was the first person in recorded history to yell defense at a wedding?' We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.

Ice Spice comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Not a hand on him. Ice Spice flat missed the bunny.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Cardi B breaks a shell down. Working him at the top of the key, low dribble, low dribble, then Godzilla rips it across and his man lunges at a ghost. Long miss from the player and the rebound goes the other way, but let the record show that most people in that line of work never even get to take that shot.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Watch the spacing there, Ice Spice hits Cardi B right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Dribble handoff from Cardi B, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Pull-up from the elbow by Godzilla, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Bucket for Miami Heart-Attack. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Total control. Ice Spice has this thing on a string. That crossover was not about getting a shot up. Kim Kardashian pulled it out to tell everybody in the gym whose possession this is. Reverse layup by Kim Kardashian, using the rim as a shield the whole way through. A circus act wrapped around textbook footwork.

More second chance points for Miami Heart-Attack, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Kim Kardashian undercut a guy in the air, that is the ONE play you never make in this league.

The rapper just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Bless him, Kim Kardashian tried a move he has clearly only ever pulled off in an empty gym at midnight. Walk.

First option: Kylie Jenner. Everything else on that clipboard is decoration. Cut, screen, relocate, and there is Cardi B wide open in the corner. Nobody on that defense read one page of it.

Cardi B replays the score in her head on a loop. Ice Spice tries to think about something else. And here is the answer to our game Press Your Luck, Buddy! Vergie Cornsilk of Hominy Bend, Arkansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Who was the first person in recorded history to yell defense at a wedding?' The answer was of course an uncle, and he has not been invited back since. Vergie takes home a metal detector that only ever finds bottle caps! I got a text from Cardi B after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

89-133 (L)

Kylie Jenner controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

The celebrity fouled a shooter behind the arc. Three free throws, and a timeout that is going to be extremely unpleasant. Foul trouble is a chess match and Kim Kardashian just lost a piece. Three before the break changes how this team defends the pick and roll.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The defender crowded the middle, and Cardi B punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. The rapper just had his shot delivered into the courtside seats. Tough scene, but at least the day job is safe.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Orlando Magic-Beans, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Into the tunnel. Ice Spice grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Fun fact: Ice Spice failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. And now, our halftime TV game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! To win a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting, text HOOPS to 555-0975 and answer this question: 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

You want basketball IQ? Ask the rapper, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Look how low Godzilla keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Cardi B whips the extra pass across the arc, Godzilla rises without a dribble, and SPLASH.

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Godzilla does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Kim Kardashian puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

Set called, Cardi B waved out to the corner, and Ice Spice watches the spacing open up like a front door. Day job, then this: the rapper reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. You can hear that rim ringing from up here, Godzilla has forced three in a row now and the whole offense has stopped moving.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Orlando Magic-Beans with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Violation on Cardi B. Ball goes the other way.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Orlando Magic-Beans in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The offense stalls, Kylie Jenner gets stuck on the wing with no exit and nobody flashing open, and the shot clock eats him alive.

Orlando Magic-Beans again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

No hero ball here: Cardi B takes what the defense gives and moves it along. OHHHH, what a read by Kim Kardashian! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. The celebrity misses absolutely everything, and honestly, the nerve to even attempt that shot deserves something. Not points. But something.

That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Ice Spice does. Feet already set, hands already ready. Ice Spice takes the feed from Kim Kardashian and cashes it.

Salute: sharp, military, held. Ice Spice delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. Kylie Jenner snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

Kim Kardashian sets the pick and DIVES to the cup. Ice Spice lays it right on his hands in traffic! In, around, and gone. The iron gives Kim Kardashian nothing.

Ice Spice walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Cardi B speeds up. Wants it to be over. And here is the answer to our game show Cash Cab of the Parking Lot! Leonard Skidmore of Tumbleweed Alley, Arizona, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why is there always exactly one balloon stuck in the rafters?' The answer was of course that nobody knows, and the janitors have agreed to stop asking. Leonard therefore wins a plug-in air freshener permanently stuck on the high setting! During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

75-119 (L)

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Ice Spice has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Godzilla precisely where the play wanted it. SPIN and GO! Godzilla pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! The crowd has found its chant, and Godzilla is going to be hearing it all night.

You judge a locker room by moments like this. Ice Spice makes the play, and every man on that sideline erupts right along with him. REJECTED! Ice Spice gets ALL of that jumper and the building erupts!

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Philadelphia Injury-Report with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Push the pace! Ice Spice grabs it and hits Cardi B in stride before the defense can even match up. Watch the sell from Cardi B here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. That is the shot Cardi B wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Cardi B and Godzilla just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Baby hook by Cardi B, right over that outstretched hand, high off the board, count it.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Cardi B does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

The players head to the locker room. Ice Spice is sweating like a racehorse. Anecdote: Ice Spice slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. And now, our halftime TV game show Fifty Fifty or Nothing! To win a decorative barometer that has read STORMY since 1998, text HOOPS to 555-0290 and answer this question: 'How many free throws could a horse make in one hour with no thumbs?' Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.

The rapper makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Second pass beats the rotation, Ice Spice to Kim Kardashian, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Kim Kardashian rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Bucket for Philadelphia Injury-Report. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Ooof. Kim Kardashian got put on SKATES right there.

Shot clock at one, and Kim Kardashian just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing. Muscled away at the second jump by Kim Kardashian, and this offense resets with a fresh shot clock. Rebounding is effort, and effort is apparently what the celebrity does for a living. Second chance points, all guts.

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Kim Kardashian keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

More second chance points for Philadelphia Injury-Report, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Kim Kardashian just did it by hitting Godzilla on the back side with acres of room. OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! Godzilla never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! From eight feet Godzilla puts way too much on it, and the ball clears the rim entirely.

Turnover, layup, Philadelphia Injury-Report straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Kim Kardashian gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Ice Spice saw it a beat early. Give and go! Kim Kardashian gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Kim Kardashian blows the wide open layup!

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Two defenders collide on the handoff and Godzilla is gone, so Ice Spice earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Getting to his spot and elevating, Godzilla puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Godzilla's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Kylie Jenner breathes through her nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. And here is the answer to our game show Fifty Fifty or Nothing! Merle Bodkin of Dry Fork Holler, West Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many free throws could a horse make in one hour with no thumbs?' The answer was of course two, and both of them were technically goaltending. Merle therefore wins a decorative barometer that has read STORMY since 1998! Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

85-129 (L)

Cold blooded from Phoenix No-Defense, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Cardi B feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. OHHHH the POWER! Cardi B took the hit and finished it anyway!

Chest bump so violent that Cardi B and Ice Spice both end up on the hardwood. They lie there laughing while play is stopped. A trainer jogs out to make sure nobody cracked a rib. The crowd is chanting before either man gets back to his feet.

The inbound goes to Kim Kardashian, the double comes immediately, and nobody flashes to the middle to help. Turnover before the offense even starts.

The celebrity takes the baseline and bends an entire defense out of shape. Absolutely absurd stuff in this building tonight. The celebrity just double dribbled in front of a sold-out building. Nobody back at work is ever letting that one go.

Baseline drive by Kylie Jenner, he absorbs the hammer from the help defender, and the official is already pointing to the line. Kylie Jenner lines it up, unguarded, nobody within fifteen feet, and the ball touches absolutely nothing. Oh my.

Halftime. Ice Spice is holding her ribs walking toward the tunnel. Bus driver's confession: Ice Spice raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. And now, our halftime TV game show Whammy Watch Live! To win a barrel of packing peanuts and absolutely nothing else, text HOOPS to 555-1073 and answer this question: 'How tall is the shortest player who ever dunked in a dream?' Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Two guys on the exact same page, Kim Kardashian and Kylie Jenner, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. The defender fronted him, so Kim Kardashian sealed, waited for the entry and went to work. Patient, mean, effective.

Blowing smoke off two fingers like a gunslinger, Kim Kardashian holsters them in his waistband. Godzilla plays dead on the baseline. The mascot joins the bit uninvited. A referee has to physically separate a celebration from an inbound play.

More second chance points for Phoenix No-Defense, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Kylie Jenner just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Ice Spice half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. OHHHH! Ice Spice went up looking for a poster and came back down as the punchline.

Laser from Ice Spice, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. Hesitate, GO. Kylie Jenner is by that hip before the man even blinks. The celebrity gets it handed over on a silver platter at point blank range and drops it. Somewhere in this building a coach is questioning every decision that led here.

Ice Spice walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Cardi B crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Cardi B beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Phoenix No-Defense again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The rapper turns clean out of two bodies in the paint. That is nowhere in the job description and yet here we are. That is the shot chart lying to you. Cardi B did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Swing, swing, and Ice Spice finds Godzilla on the wing before the help can even turn its head. OHHHH no, Godzilla floats it crosscourt and it gets picked off clean. That thing is going the other way.

Ice Spice walks toward the tunnel without a word. Godzilla stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. And here is the answer to our game show Whammy Watch Live! Doris Ann Pickerel of Skunk Cabbage, Connecticut, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How tall is the shortest player who ever dunked in a dream?' The answer was of course five foot two, and the dream was extremely convincing. Doris Ann therefore wins a barrel of packing peanuts and absolutely nothing else! I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

86-131 (L)

Godzilla is locked in on the other bench's best player and he has not backed up one single inch. This is what you buy the ticket for.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Los Angeles Nursing-Home in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Cross court, on a rope, from the rapper. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. Screened, toasted, done. Godzilla is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. That is a dime from Cardi B that deserved so much better, and Godzilla knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Two defenders, one gap, and Kim Kardashian finds it. Onions on that pass. Ice Spice rises, the big man rises higher, and the shot is stuffed into the second row. Return to sender.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Kylie Jenner picks up the pace. Rumor has it Kylie Jenner has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. And now, our halftime TV game show Fifty Fifty or Nothing! To win a decorative barometer that has read STORMY since 1998, text HOOPS to 555-0290 and answer this question: 'How many free throws could a horse make in one hour with no thumbs?' Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.

The rapper is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. Straight down the baseline goes the celebrity! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. BAAAANG! Kylie Jenner catches it and lets it FLY, nothing but net from the corner!

Los Angeles Nursing-Home again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Pressure comes, the celebrity backpedals across the timeline, and the ball changes hands. Twenty thousand people saw exactly where that line was.

Full stop, full sprint, and the rapper is in the paint! Nobody back at the workplace is going to believe this one. The gather was clean, the decision after it was not. Cardi B had a live pivot foot and threw it away for a bounce he did not need.

More second chance points for Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Behind the back was the idea, the ball had entirely different plans, and Cardi B gets a collective groan for his trouble.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Los Angeles Nursing-Home, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Unselfish basketball. Ice Spice passes up a good shot and hands Kim Kardashian a GREAT one. Stonewalled at the top of the square! The big man meets Kim Kardashian up there and returns it with interest.

The extra pass! Kim Kardashian had the look, gave it up anyway, and Cardi B buries it. BANG! BRICK! Cardi B throws up a prayer and the iron sends it straight back out to half court!

Nine seconds to work with, one play call, and it runs through Kylie Jenner. When the game shrinks like this, you go to your guy. Coach spent a timeout on a play for the celebrity and it worked to the inch. That is trust you do not fake.

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Kylie Jenner does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Cardi B puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

Ice Spice sits down on the hardwood, head on her knees. Cardi B puts a hand on her shoulder without saying a word. And here is the answer to our game show Fifty Fifty or Nothing! Merle Bodkin of Dry Fork Holler, West Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many free throws could a horse make in one hour with no thumbs?' The answer was of course two, and both of them were technically goaltending. Merle therefore wins a decorative barometer that has read STORMY since 1998! I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

84-129 (L)

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Ice Spice has all the room in the world. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Ice Spice, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

The rapper just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. Watch the footwork from Ice Spice: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Eyes on the ball, brain somewhere else, and both feet parked in the paint. Godzilla has to give that one back.

Kim Kardashian kicks it over to Kylie Jenner, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. BAAAANG! Kylie Jenner sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. The rapper launched one from the logo as the horn sounded. In fairness, nobody in that huddle gave him a better option.

Back to the locker room. Kim Kardashian's shorts are torn but she couldn't care less. Anecdote: Kim Kardashian once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. And now, our halftime TV game show Go Fish for Answers! To win a porch swing missing every single chain, text HOOPS to 555-0468 and answer this question: 'What is the average lifespan of a whistle used in a middle school gym?' Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the rapper, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. A single dribble is all Kim Kardashian needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Gift wrapped by Godzilla, and Kim Kardashian cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Dagger from Toronto Border-Patrol. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Ice Spice threw it before the help even committed. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Godzilla the moment he crosses half court. Missed layup for the player and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Ice Spice hands it off to Kim Kardashian, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Fifth possession this half where Ice Spice has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Bucket for Toronto Border-Patrol. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The player just took a charge from a man twice his size and got up smiling. Absolute lunatic behavior, and we love it!

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Toronto Border-Patrol with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The other bench sent their best perimeter stopper out on Ice Spice, and they are learning in real time that it will not be enough tonight. That is the play that breaks a defense. Ice Spice has turned three straight drives into points and the help is starting to hesitate.

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Ice Spice does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Back at the shop they have got this review up on every phone with the rapper in the frame, and nobody is getting any work done. The building went up, the building came right back down, and Ice Spice is staring at a scoreboard that never moved.

Godzilla slams his fist on the bench. Kim Kardashian places her palm flat, as if to calm the surface. And here is the answer to our game show Go Fish for Answers! Peggy Ann Winterbottom of Two Chairs, Nebraska, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What is the average lifespan of a whistle used in a middle school gym?' The answer was of course six years, or two seasons of an especially loud coach. Peggy Ann therefore wins a porch swing missing every single chain! My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

75-119 (L)

From WAY downtown off the pop! Ice Spice with the extra pass and CASH. So close. Kylie Jenner can only stare at the iron.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Ice Spice drops it off to Godzilla on time and on target. A player breaking down a professional defender in front of a sold out house! Remember that day job, folks! Two points left on the floor by Godzilla, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Minnesota Ice-Wall, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Ball moves. Kim Kardashian to Godzilla, on time and on target. Read, screen, delivery, right on the money. A player making the right pass every single time, and the league is taking notes. Contested, off balance, fading away from the wrong shoulder, that is a shot Kylie Jenner should never take with three teammates standing wide open.

The celebrity reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Wrapped up the arm on the gather, plain as day. Kim Kardashian gets two, and the bench is already standing. Both knocked down without the slightest wobble. Free throws are just a shift on the clock, and the celebrity punched in on time.

The whole second unit is on the floor before the ball is out of the net. Kim Kardashian disappears underneath them. Somewhere in the pile shoe comes off. Kylie Jenner is on the outside of it screaming straight up at the ceiling.

Players head to the locker room. Ice Spice has tape on three fingers. Confession: Ice Spice believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. And now, our halftime TV game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! To win a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA, text HOOPS to 555-0938 and answer this question: 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' Break's over, the players take their positions.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Minnesota Ice-Wall in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Down screen, and Cardi B curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Somewhere a defender is explaining to his family why the rapper is going to be on the front page tomorrow morning.

Dagger from Minnesota Ice-Wall. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The rapper just moved an entire defense with one flick of the wrist. Somebody check that resume again. Court vision like that on the player is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. Oh my. Ice Spice did not even draw iron.

Turnover, layup, Minnesota Ice-Wall straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Cross court, on a rope, from the rapper. In this league that pass earns a contract, and he does it on his night off. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Kim Kardashian gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Kim Kardashian has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Somebody explain how the rapper reads a defense faster than half this league. Whatever he does all day, it clearly involves thinking three steps ahead. OHHHH the pocket pass! Kylie Jenner splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Godzilla. Cruel.

You do not put the other team in the bonus this early. Ice Spice has to be smarter than contact that never had a chance at the ball. The rapper is a single whistle from disqualification and he is STILL sliding his feet into the paint. Courage or a very bad week at work.

That is vision. Ice Spice sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Count them with me: one step, two steps, and a third one nobody asked for. The official has seen enough of Kim Kardashian.

Kim Kardashian closes her eyes walking out. Kylie Jenner keeps her wide open, fixed, empty. And here is the answer to our game show The Pyramid of Slightly Less Money! Dwight Hufnagel of Bogwater, Maine, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Which is heavier, a pound of basketballs or a pound of excuses?' The answer was of course the excuses, because they come with packaging. Dwight therefore wins a novelty mug that says WORLDS SECOND BEST GRANDMA! Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

79-124 (L)

More second chance points for Houston Blast-Off, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

A cut with that timing from the rapper? He is on the clock somewhere else all week and he still found time to learn the two-man game. Every highlight show in the country runs that clip tonight, and unfortunately for Ice Spice he is on the wrong end of it.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Ice Spice already has the defense a full step behind. A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Kylie Jenner pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Rim, backboard, none of the above from the celebrity! Ladies and gentlemen, that is a person with a real job, and we have all just been reminded of it.

Cold blooded from Houston Blast-Off, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

SKIP PASS! Cardi B fires it cross court to Kylie Jenner and the defense is dead in the water! OHHHH the hesi! Kylie Jenner froze him solid and he is already gone! Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Kylie Jenner fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Kim Kardashian walks head down toward the tunnel. Physio's confession: Kim Kardashian purrs when you massage her calves. Like a cat. A big cat. And now, our halftime TV game show Press Your Luck Harder! To win a bumper sticker collection covering one entire tailgate, text HOOPS to 555-0362 and answer this question: 'In what year was the jump ball invented by accident during a barn raising?' The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.

Somewhere out there a celebrity is learning that the day job never included defensive slides. Rough little moment.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Ice Spice controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. Ice Spice eats the contact so Cardi B can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. Cardi B went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Houston Blast-Off, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Kim Kardashian makes it every single trip down the floor. Cardi B holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Kylie Jenner flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Kylie Jenner. They do not teach that footwork anymore, and yet here is Kylie Jenner running a full masterclass on the low block.

Bucket for Houston Blast-Off. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Somebody explain the arc to the player. He gave away three shots on a prayer, and you can watch the coach age in real time. Brutal timing on that whistle. This team loses its rim protection the moment Godzilla takes a seat, and the paint is wide open now.

Dagger from Houston Blast-Off. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Ice Spice stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Up goes the shot from Ice Spice and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

Set called, Kylie Jenner waved out to the corner, and Ice Spice watches the spacing open up like a front door. Off the pin-down comes the celebrity with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. The celebrity just put somebody on a POSTER! That defender is going to see this clip for the rest of his life!

Three fingers up, walking backward the length of the floor, Kylie Jenner never once looks at the basket he just drained. The bench mob is off the seats, towels overhead, security waving them back down. Nobody sits. Nobody in here is going to sit again tonight.

This is the part of the league nobody loves and everybody watches: Cardi B waits with both hands on top of his head. The rapper is finding out what this league does to people. It hands you the moment, then it rolls the tape.

Ice Spice isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Cardi B tries to talk. She raises a hand to say no. And here is the answer to our game show Press Your Luck Harder! Bobbi Sue Yarborough of Sawmill Bottom, Georgia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'In what year was the jump ball invented by accident during a barn raising?' The answer was of course 1871, in a hayloft, by two men arguing about a rooster. Bobbi Sue therefore wins a bumper sticker collection covering one entire tailgate! Behind the scenes, I learned Cardi B was also a rapper in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

86-130 (L)

More second chance points for Denver Horse-Track, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Ice Spice rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Ohhh no. Ice Spice just walked. In front of everybody.

Turnover, layup, Denver Horse-Track straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

It started as a hard box out and it ended with Kylie Jenner throwing an elbow the crew could not possibly ignore.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Denver Horse-Track with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Halftime! Cardi B checks her stats on the board and winces. Did you know Cardi B keeps a photo of her dog in her right shoe? It's a Bichon. And now, our halftime TV game show The Dating Game Winner Gets Nothing! To win a bowling ball with the initials of a total stranger drilled into it, text HOOPS to 555-0698 and answer this question: 'How many rows back can you sit before the players become rumors?' The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.

Ice in his veins for a guy who answers to rapper the rest of the week. Professional shot, amateur resume. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Kylie Jenner is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Over the top of everybody. Ice Spice to Kim Kardashian in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Straight down the baseline goes the celebrity! Whatever shift he worked this morning, he clearly left plenty in the tank. The celebrity lines one up from four feet behind the line and the rim rejects the application on the spot. Back to the day job on that possession.

Lazy feed into the middle, Kim Kardashian read it the whole way, and that possession is over before it started. Cardi B tips the pass, hits the floor after it, and comes up out of the pile with possession.

Denver Horse-Track again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Cardi B makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. Kim Kardashian probes the lane, cups the ball with two hands, then bounces it again. That is the violation they fix in third grade.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Denver Horse-Track with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the rapper, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. The celebrity reads the screen perfectly, comes off shoulder to shoulder, and buys himself an open look. Veteran movement, rookie resume. Catch, rise, splash. The celebrity owns the cleanest jumper on this floor and still has a shift to work in the morning.

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Cardi B and an assistant coach who both want to hug Kim Kardashian first. Kim Kardashian lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

Over and back on the player, who just lost a possession to a painted line. No defender required.

Left, right, gone. Ice Spice put that defender on skates and never even looked back. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! Ice Spice cannot believe it, and neither can this building.

HERE IT COMES! Every soul in this gym knows the ball is going to Godzilla, and it may not matter one bit. Cardi B delivers on the second option, Godzilla buries it, and the coach is already walking back to the bench like he knew. He did know.

Cardi B taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Kylie Jenner walks through the door without pushing it. And here is the answer to our game show The Dating Game Winner Gets Nothing! Sharlene Boggs of Muleshoe Corner, Ohio, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many rows back can you sit before the players become rumors?' The answer was of course row thirty one, and after that it is basically folklore. Sharlene therefore wins a bowling ball with the initials of a total stranger drilled into it! My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

84-129 (L)

Clean feed from Cardi B, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Watch Godzilla plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Ice Spice out of that corner in a blink. OHHHH what a FINISH from Ice Spice! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Shoving match at the scorer's table, except it is between Kim Kardashian and an assistant coach who both want to hug Ice Spice first. Ice Spice lets them sort it out. The trainer has given up on protecting anybody. Somebody's clipboard is already on the floor.

A chair knocked flat, an assistant coach holding somebody back by the jersey, that whole row completely unhinged. That is the Ice Spice effect. Second rejection of the quarter for Kim Kardashian, and you can see the shooters hesitating on that wing already.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The rapper is out here running a pro offense with hand signals, not one hint of panic, and he clocks in somewhere else in the morning. The player just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? Cardi B fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

The players leave the court. Ice Spice clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know Ice Spice knits to unwind? Made a scarf in New York Over-Timers's colors. By accident, obviously. And now, our halftime TV game show Win, Lose, or Shrug! To win a giant novelty check made out for two dollars, text HOOPS to 555-0075 and answer this question: 'How many pieces are missing from a jigsaw puzzle at a lake house?' The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

The rapper just ran that two-man game like he has a decade of film on it. Somebody get this man a contract. Kylie Jenner attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Cold blooded from New York Over-Timers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

The player just got left in the dust, and in fairness, that is a professional athlete he was asked to guard.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Unsportsmanlike foul on the rapper. Two shots and the ball back, a steep price for a man who came here on his day off. The rapper gets clotheslined and pops right back up. Two shots, the ball, and a story for every customer he sees this week.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and Kim Kardashian gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Rises, releases, and Kylie Jenner sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Ice Spice loses the handle with nobody inside of five feet of him, and that clip is going to live on the internet forever.

The celebrity makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. Day job, then this: the rapper reads a rolling big like a coach with twenty years on the bench. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for Kim Kardashian!

Total control. Ice Spice has this thing on a string. The celebrity pulls out the crossover of his life, and Monday morning he clocks in like nothing ever happened. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Kim Kardashian goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

Godzilla's lip is trembling. Kylie Jenner dodges the cameras by pulling up her hood. And here is the answer to our game Win, Lose, or Shrug! Maxine Skaggs of Bitter Root Draw, New Jersey, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many pieces are missing from a jigsaw puzzle at a lake house?' The answer was of course two, always the same two, and one of them is sky. Maxine takes home a giant novelty check made out for two dollars! I got a text from Godzilla after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

80-125 (L)

The referee tosses it high and Godzilla rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Cleveland Twin-Towers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

The rapper makes the simple read look automatic. Clock out of work, clock in for clean basketball decisions. The celebrity just made the extra pass with a clean look of his own! You do not run into that kind of selflessness at the office! The rapper had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the rapper, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. OHHHH that is filthy! Kim Kardashian on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. The rapper just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Ice Spice backs his man down, feels the contact, spins middle and drops it in over both hands. Fundamentals!

Turnover, layup, Cleveland Twin-Towers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Halftime! Kim Kardashian is limping slightly heading off the court. Word is Kim Kardashian sleeps with her basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. And now, our halftime TV game show Press Your Luck, Buddy! To win a metal detector that only ever finds bottle caps, text HOOPS to 555-0451 and answer this question: 'Who was the first person in recorded history to yell defense at a wedding?' Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.

Lazy one-hander from Cardi B through the middle of the floor, and the defender did not even have to leave his feet to take it.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Cleveland Twin-Towers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Total control. Ice Spice has this thing on a string. Ball into Kim Kardashian at the elbow, Godzilla plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. Rim out for Godzilla, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Kim Kardashian passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. No good. Kim Kardashian rushed that one.

Cardi B forces a contested fadeaway with a hand in his face, front rim, and the drought rolls on. Two on the shot clock and the ball ends up with the rapper, which is how you get a twenty-eight footer off the wrong foot.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Cleveland Twin-Towers with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Kim Kardashian has known that all night long. Kick out to Ice Spice, one more to Kylie Jenner, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Awful shot by Kylie Jenner with eleven still on the shot clock, off the front rim and out to the wing.

Over the top of everybody. Ice Spice to Kim Kardashian in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Kim Kardashian, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. This building is SHAKING. Kim Kardashian just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

Bucket for Cleveland Twin-Towers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

The big rolls, the defense collapses, and Cardi B punishes it with a read most guys never even see. That is twice tonight Godzilla has tried to create with the dribble already dead, and this league does not reward that.

Kylie Jenner punches her locker when she gets to the locker room. Ice Spice slides down the wall to the floor. And here is the answer to our game Press Your Luck, Buddy! Vergie Cornsilk of Hominy Bend, Arkansas, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Who was the first person in recorded history to yell defense at a wedding?' The answer was of course an uncle, and he has not been invited back since. Vergie takes home a metal detector that only ever finds bottle caps! Evening confession: I'm wearing Kylie Jenner's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

87-131 (L)

Dagger from Boston Ring-Chasers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and Kim Kardashian makes it every single trip down the floor. The rapper just threaded a pocket pass through two defenders. Where exactly did that vision come from? The celebrity had that thing halfway down and the rim spat it back out. Nobody ever warns you that the iron has a personality.

The player gets whistled for the swipe. Forty honest hours a week and here he is, picking pockets in front of twenty thousand witnesses. There is no choice to make here. Four fouls with this much clock left means Godzilla sits and the lead has to survive without him.

The celebrity grabbed a full handful of jersey and the crew counted every finger. He does not get away with that at work either.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Halftime. Kylie Jenner's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. I've been told Kylie Jenner once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. And now, our halftime TV game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! To win a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone, text HOOPS to 555-0914 and answer this question: 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Ice Spice, and not one single soul could do anything about it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Ice Spice builds the whole thing from nothing. No screen, no help, three points.

Somebody's towel goes up, then thirty of them, and the bench turns into a laundry emergency. Ice Spice stands in the middle of it with his arms out, letting them rain down on his head. An assistant coach is spinning one like a helicopter. Institutional collapse.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

The celebrity is in a full blown heat check and the building has stopped pretending this is normal. That is not a hot streak, that is a takeover. Kim Kardashian felt it, the bench felt it, the arena felt it, and the rim felt absolutely nothing.

Kylie Jenner gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Cardi B saw it a beat early. One hard step and Kylie Jenner owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so Kylie Jenner launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

You can read it right off the scoreboard: not one point since the last stoppage, and Godzilla is pressing badly now. A whole possession dies in the hands of the celebrity without a single attempt going up. Back to the day job for a rethink.

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Ice Spice hands it off to Kylie Jenner, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Watch the feet on Ice Spice there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything.

Bucket for Boston Ring-Chasers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Filthy. Absolutely filthy from Ice Spice, and the defender knows exactly what just happened to him. The rapper had two points in the bank and the iron took them right back out. You do not get heartbreak like that in the day job.

The assistant points at the far corner, the head coach points at Kylie Jenner, and the other three get told exactly where to stand. Sixty seconds in the huddle and Kylie Jenner cashes it without a single wasted dribble. Textbook.

Kylie Jenner sprints to the sideline, hops onto the scorer's table and raises both fists. The stat crew grabs their laptops and security is already moving. A trainer hauls him down by the shorts before anybody gets fined. Worth it, obviously.

Ice Spice's eyes are red, jaw tight. Cardi B apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. And here is the answer to our game show Wipeout the Rec League Edition! Lavonne Stackhouse of Grease Rag Creek, Delaware, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many bleacher splinters are removed nationwide every Tuesday?' The answer was of course six hundred and twelve, and most of them in the Midwest. Lavonne therefore wins a weather vane pointing a direction wind has never once gone! Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

74-118 (L)

Give the man credit for the effort, because Ice Spice contested that from three feet behind, which is technically a contest.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

You want basketball IQ? Ask the rapper, who just moved the rock on time without one wasted dribble. Right idea, no zip on it, and at this level Kylie Jenner either puts some heat on that ball or he keeps it in his hands.

Total control. Ice Spice has this thing on a string. This is the counter: Kylie Jenner punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. That is what heavy minutes do, Cardi B has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Dagger from San Antonio Skyscrapers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Break. Kylie Jenner's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. I've been told Kylie Jenner always puts her left shoe on first. The one day she switched, gave up 40 points. And now, our halftime TV game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! To win a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash, text HOOPS to 555-0804 and answer this question: 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

No hero ball here: Cardi B takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Off the pin-down comes the player with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. AIRBALL! Godzilla missed the rim, the backboard and everything in between!

That timeline has not moved all night, but Godzilla keeps forgetting where they painted it. Second one of the quarter.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Bench energy is real currency over a long season, and Kim Kardashian just handed his teammates a full bank account. Hands like that on the player? Whatever he does all day, by night he is robbing people blind.

Kylie Jenner gets his, then has to stand and watch the other side's best player walk down and get his right back. Ruthless exchange.

Ohhh no. Corner three, San Antonio Skyscrapers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Ice Spice hounds him corner to corner, forces the bad pass over the top, and you can feel the whole gym flip. OHHHH what a hustle play from Kim Kardashian! He had no business getting a finger on that basketball. The rapper just outran an entire defense for the finish, and he clocks in for a shift in the morning. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Baseline spin from Cardi B at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. Three free throws for the rapper! That is the single most expensive mistake in basketball, and a person with a real day job just engineered it.

San Antonio Skyscrapers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Ice Spice gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Kim Kardashian saw it a beat early. Court vision like that on the rapper is absurd. Whatever the day job pays him, the assist numbers say he is badly underpriced. The whistle blows, the crowd erupts, and Kim Kardashian hangs on the iron just long enough to make his point.

Kim Kardashian freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the San Antonio Skyscrapers coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

Kylie Jenner stares at her hands like she doesn't recognize them. Kim Kardashian exhales. Again. And again. And here is the answer to our game show Are You Smarter Than a Backup Center! Ricky Don Sturgill of Sassafras Bottom, Virginia, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why are basketball nets never quite long enough to be scarves?' The answer was of course that the scarf lobby got to the rules committee in 1954. Ricky Don therefore wins a gift certificate to a diner that only takes cash! As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

75-120 (L)

Ice Spice splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Whistle! Godzilla got hacked on the way up. Two shots coming. Two for two from the player, calm as a Tuesday afternoon. Whatever that job involves all day, it clearly builds very steady hands.

Godzilla slides on his knees down the free throw lane, arms wide, and ends up flat on his back watching his own replay on the video board. He points at himself on the screen. The officials have stopped pretending to have any control here.

The rapper just froze a grown professional with a hesitation dribble. This man punches a clock and he is out here doing THAT. OFF THE IRON and halfway to the bench! Ice Spice missed that one with real conviction.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Ice Spice whips that pass one-handed on the move and the roll man gathers it through contact. Filthy. Cardi B wanted the contact so badly that he forgot the small detail where your feet have to be planted.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Here comes Cardi B sprinting off the elbow. Ice Spice slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Pull-up from the elbow by Cardi B, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Halftime! Kim Kardashian is limping slightly heading off the court. Anecdote: Kim Kardashian fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. And now, our halftime TV game show Double Dare You! To win a three-pound bag of gas station beef jerky, text HOOPS to 555-0091 and answer this question: 'How many times does a basketball bounce before it forgives you?' The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Ice Spice has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Kylie Jenner precisely where the play wanted it. The celebrity just ran a give and go to perfection on national television! Somebody go tell his boss what he does after hours! Nobody drew up that arc. The celebrity floated one halfway to the rafters, and the rim never even got a say.

Dagger from Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

The celebrity walls up like a closed door and the shot never gets home. Nine to five, and now this. Wide open runway! Cardi B gets to the rim before the defense even crosses halfcourt!

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Push the pace! Ice Spice grabs it and hits Kim Kardashian in stride before the defense can even match up. OHHHH the pin-down! Kim Kardashian pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Kylie Jenner. Brutal. Missed layup for the celebrity and the whole arena groans as one. Great hands in the day job, apparently they do not travel.

SKIP PASS! Ice Spice fires it cross court to Godzilla and the defense is dead in the water! Off the pin-down comes the player with nobody inside a zip code. Somebody out there knows how to use a screen, and it is not who you would guess. Down, up, and gone for Godzilla. The rim is just toying with him now.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

The celebrity just rotated over and shut the paint down like a shift change. Where does THAT defensive IQ come from?

More second chance points for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Ball moves. Cardi B to Godzilla, on time and on target. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Godzilla left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! BANG is what Godzilla was hearing in his head. Clang is what this building actually got.

Kylie Jenner pulls her cap down over her eyes. Kim Kardashian doesn't have a cap, and it shows. And here is the answer to our game Double Dare You! Opal Sisk of Nickel Plate, Colorado, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many times does a basketball bounce before it forgives you?' The answer was of course six, and the seventh is only out of politeness. Opal takes home a three-pound bag of gas station beef jerky! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.