My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar

86-131 (L)

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar times the leap perfectly, taps it back to the wing, and the first possession of the night belongs to us.

Jalen Johnson reads it two passes early, steps into the gap and takes away the entire lane before anybody gets there.

Yuki Kawamura comes off the screen and the big man drops WAY back. AJ Dybantsa just fades to the arc for the cleanest look of the night. Down, up, and gone for AJ Dybantsa. The rim is just toying with him now.

More second chance points for Detroit Engine-Roar, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

A timeout is coming, it has to be, but Dyson Daniels has already turned this into a personal shooting drill with an audience. From WAY downtown! Dyson Daniels launched that one from the parking lot!

End of the second quarter. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Anecdote: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. And now, our halftime TV game show Family Feud But Nobody Is Related! To win a gently used trampoline with no springs and one very stern warning label, text HOOPS to 555-0231 and answer this question: 'How long does it take a hot dog to cool down in the upper deck in February?' Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

Cold blooded from Detroit Engine-Roar, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Bodies everywhere in the paint and it does not matter one bit to Dyson Daniels, one spin and the ball never leaves the string. Twenty-four seconds of standing around, and Dyson Daniels has to eat the last two of them. Possession wasted long before the shot went up.

Dagger from Detroit Engine-Roar. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

This is the counter: Yuki Kawamura punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two points in every gym in America except this one, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is walking back with both hands on his head.

Detroit Engine-Roar again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

OHHHH he went BACKDOOR! AJ Dybantsa never broke stride and he has the ball UNDER THE RIM! Rim out for AJ Dybantsa, the crowd came up and sat right back down, and you can hear the groan from every corner of the arena.

SKIP PASS! Dyson Daniels fires it cross court to Yuki Kawamura and the defense is dead in the water! Watch AJ Dybantsa plant his feet, absorb the hit, and spring Yuki Kawamura out of that corner in a blink. Getting to his spot and elevating, Yuki Kawamura puts it on the back iron, up over the front, and out. Half a rotation from two points.

Turnover, layup, Detroit Engine-Roar straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

This is the stretch of the night where you just feed him and get out of the way. AJ Dybantsa has found that place where the rim looks the size of a hula hoop. Isolation on the wing, shot clock draining, and AJ Dybantsa rocks the defender to sleep before dropping it through.

Whistles. Monitor. And Kareem Abdul-Jabbar standing frozen at midcourt. OHHHH the cruelty! Two tenths, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gets absolutely nothing.

AJ Dybantsa stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Dyson Daniels comes back to get him. And here is the answer to our game show Family Feud But Nobody Is Related! Delbert Cranfill of Bitter Creek Junction, Wyoming, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How long does it take a hot dog to cool down in the upper deck in February?' The answer was of course eleven minutes, unless somebody nearby is breathing on it. Delbert therefore wins a gently used trampoline with no springs and one very stern warning label! Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.

Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack

119-99 (W)

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar controls the tip, and the offense gets to run its first set on schedule. Little edges like that stack up over forty-eight minutes.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Miami Heart-Attack in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Textbook two three with Dyson Daniels manning the back line, and they have not seen a clean look in three trips. Winning basketball right there: Dyson Daniels knocks the swing pass off course and that offense has to run it back from the top.

Punish the help, that is the rule, and Yuki Kawamura just did it by hitting Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on the back side with acres of room. That is vision. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sees the pocket open for a tenth of a second and puts the ball in it. Runner in the lane by Dyson Daniels, high off the fingertips, straight down through the net. Splash!

Right hand to the mouthguard, out, pointed at the rafters, back in. Dyson Daniels does not break stride once. Two rows of fans are hugging total strangers. Complete loss of composure in the entire lower bowl, and the game is nowhere near over.

Fingertips! Yuki Kawamura gets just enough on it and the ball squirts loose. OUTLET! Jalen Johnson rips the board and fires it ahead to AJ Dybantsa before anybody gets back! The help defender had position, leverage, everything but a chance. AJ Dybantsa rose straight over the top of him, and one.

AJ Dybantsa deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. Dyson Daniels arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

Halftime. Jalen Johnson is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Did you know? Jalen Johnson launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. And now, our halftime TV game show Foul Line Confessions! To win a hood ornament from a truck that was never built, text HOOPS to 555-1098 and answer this question: 'Why does every gym in the country smell exactly the same?' Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.

Here comes Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sprinting off the elbow. Yuki Kawamura slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar probes to the right, pulls the string, and rises over a helpless closeout from twenty six feet. Splash.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

AJ Dybantsa drives, draws two bodies, and swings it one more time to the corner. That is the pass nobody is required to make. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Jalen Johnson goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

The offense stalls, Dyson Daniels gets stuck on the wing with no exit and nobody flashing open, and the shot clock eats him alive.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Miami Heart-Attack, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Yuki Kawamura guesses left, the ball handler goes right, and suddenly this is a two-on-one before anybody can rotate.

AJ Dybantsa gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because Dyson Daniels saw it a beat early. The defender crowded the middle, and AJ Dybantsa punished him along the baseline like it was drawn up in the huddle. Nobody moved, nobody cut, nobody set a screen, so AJ Dybantsa launches a contested jumper with the horn already going. Ugly offense.

From WAY downtown off the pop! Yuki Kawamura with the extra pass and CASH. Heat check for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and it is GOOD. He is COOKING, and this building knows exactly what it is watching.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and AJ Dybantsa slap each other's butts. Jalen Johnson declines the invitation. And here is the answer to our game show Foul Line Confessions! Wendell Crabtree of Lost Mitten, Colorado, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why does every gym in the country smell exactly the same?' The answer was of course floor wax, popcorn, and forty years of accumulated nervousness. Wendell therefore wins a hood ornament from a truck that was never built! During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.

Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans

133-88 (W)

Small thing, a jump ball, but Jalen Johnson winning that tip means we set the tone. Coaches script that first play for a reason.

Clean feed from AJ Dybantsa, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Watch the sell from Jalen Johnson here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. No good. Jalen Johnson rushed that one.

Ball into AJ Dybantsa at the elbow, Dyson Daniels plants his foot and goes backdoor, and the pass meets him in the air. Filthy. That is another catch and shoot triple for Dyson Daniels, and you can see the closeouts getting more desperate every single trip.

Dyson Daniels rocks an imaginary baby down the sideline, cradling nothing at all and completely serious about it. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar plays along, tiptoeing beside him and shushing the front row. Half the arena is doing it too. The other half is filming the half that is doing it.

Bucket for Orlando Magic-Beans. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Hand check on Yuki Kawamura. That is a foul in this league every single time.

Halftime! Dyson Daniels checks his stats on the board and winces. Rumor has it Dyson Daniels tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". And now, our halftime TV game show High Rollers Low Ceilings! To win a beach towel printed with a map of a landlocked county, text HOOPS to 555-1024 and answer this question: 'How many timeouts can a coach call before the crowd revolts?' On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.

Baseline wide open. Dyson Daniels said thank you. Baby hook by Dyson Daniels, right over that outstretched hand, high off the board, count it.

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, Dyson Daniels keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

Set called, Dyson Daniels waved out to the corner, and Yuki Kawamura watches the spacing open up like a front door. That is a self-created look of the highest order, and there might be five guys in this league who get to it on demand the way Dyson Daniels does. Soft touch from Dyson Daniels, the floater drops right over the big man. Cash.

AJ Dybantsa launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Screened, toasted, done. Yuki Kawamura is loose and the defense is scrambling to find him. OHHHH what a FINISH from Yuki Kawamura! Hanging, hanging, and laying it high off the glass on the way down!

Yuki Kawamura points at Kareem Abdul-Jabbar first, then at the pass that made it possible, then at Kareem Abdul-Jabbar again, making sure the building knows who did the real work. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar waves it off, embarrassed. The chant that starts up is not for the scorer.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar flies at a jump shooter thirty feet from the rim and lands on his hip. Three shots coming. Brutal timing on that whistle. This team loses its rim protection the moment Kareem Abdul-Jabbar takes a seat, and the paint is wide open now.

BAAAANG! Yuki Kawamura sets the table and the pick-and-pop three goes down like somebody scripted it. This building is SHAKING. AJ Dybantsa just stepped into a logo three like it was a warmup rep.

Jalen Johnson just took a shoulder to the chest to buy Dyson Daniels half a second, and half a second in this league is an eternity. Dyson Daniels rises up from fifteen feet and OHHHH, that rattled in and OUT!

Jalen Johnson and Yuki Kawamura freestyle a victory rap. Dyson Daniels does the beatbox. It's terrible but magnificent. And here is the answer to our game show High Rollers Low Ceilings! Marlene Trickett of Cornsilk Junction, South Dakota, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many timeouts can a coach call before the crowd revolts?' The answer was of course three, and the fourth one starts a conversation nobody enjoys. Marlene therefore wins a beach towel printed with a map of a landlocked county! As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

121-93 (W)

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Philadelphia Injury-Report with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Yuki Kawamura gives it up to Dyson Daniels on the move, the built-in screen erases the chase, and there is a clean runway to the rim. Textbook footwork, textbook release from Dyson Daniels, cruel result as it spins out and both teams go up for a contested board.

Watch the spacing there, AJ Dybantsa hits Dyson Daniels right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. OHHHH, what a read by Dyson Daniels! He never even glanced at the rim and it is CASH on the other end. That is the shot Jalen Johnson wants every trip down the floor, it drops nine nights out of ten, and tonight is the tenth.

The ball travels faster than five defenders can, and Dyson Daniels has known that all night long. Look how low AJ Dybantsa keeps that shoulder on the drive, that is how you turn a sliver of space into a walk to the rim. Prayer from AJ Dybantsa. Not answered.

Dyson Daniels stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Drop step, jump hook, bucket! Dyson Daniels is doing it the old way.

Flexing under the basket, mouth wide open, Dyson Daniels roars at nobody in particular. The sound carries over the crowd noise, which should be physically impossible. The referee waits with folded arms, like a substitute teacher who has seen considerably worse.

Halftime whistle. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar flops into the first available chair. Did you know Kareem Abdul-Jabbar knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Philadelphia Injury-Report's colors. By accident, obviously. And now, our halftime TV game show Minute to Win It or Whatever! To win a bathrobe that is technically a curtain, text HOOPS to 555-0827 and answer this question: 'How many pairs of sneakers are hanging from power lines nationwide?' Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Philadelphia Injury-Report with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

One little shoulder dip from Dyson Daniels and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. There is no finesse in that, and there does not need to be. Dyson Daniels simply decided the paint belonged to him.

Straight to the logo at center court, Dyson Daniels plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Yuki Kawamura has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Jalen Johnson precisely where the play wanted it. BACKDOOR! Jalen Johnson slips behind a sleeping defense and Dyson Daniels hits him right in stride! A timeout is coming, because no defense recovers from watching Jalen Johnson do that to one of their own.

Kisses the biceps, one and then the other, and Jalen Johnson strolls to the free throw line like a man on vacation. AJ Dybantsa fans him with a rolled-up game program. The bench is in tears. Even the guy running the game clock is grinning into his monitor.

Arm across the body, whistle, dead ball. Reach on Jalen Johnson.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Dyson Daniels breaks a shell down. Pass, cut, catch, wide open. Four things in about a second and a half from Yuki Kawamura. BAAAANG! Yuki Kawamura from the logo, and the entire bench is on its feet losing its mind!

Baseline spin from Yuki Kawamura at full speed, and his man never even gets a hand into the picture. Filthy stuff. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Yuki Kawamura nothing.

The longer they stay at that monitor, the louder this place gets, and Yuki Kawamura is refusing to look at the big screen. No good! The ball is STILL sitting in the hand of Yuki Kawamura when that light comes on. Waved off.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar pretends to faint from happiness. Jalen Johnson pretends to call 911. And here is the answer to our game show Minute to Win It or Whatever! Bernice Chadwick of Cabbage Patch Corners, Wisconsin, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many pairs of sneakers are hanging from power lines nationwide?' The answer was of course two million and change, and not one pair matches. Bernice therefore wins a bathrobe that is technically a curtain! I got a text from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'

Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense

102-109 (L)

OHHHH he SNATCHED that tip! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar rips it out of the air and we are off.

Ball moves. Dyson Daniels to Jalen Johnson, on time and on target. Count it! Jalen Johnson caught that thing in traffic and put it through the net before gravity could file a complaint.

Dyson Daniels attacks the baseline and the ENTIRE defense has to rotate behind him! Dyson Daniels takes two dribbles past halfcourt, rises from thirty five feet, and the net barely moves. Filthy.

Dyson Daniels pretends to check a watch that is not on his wrist, taps it, then shows it to the arena. Time is up. AJ Dybantsa mimes an enormous yawn. The visiting coach is shouting at officials who have no jurisdiction over sarcasm.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Phoenix No-Defense with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Two defenders collide on the handoff and Jalen Johnson is gone, so Yuki Kawamura earned that one even if the box score disagrees. Oh, that is rough. Jalen Johnson killed his own dribble and then started a brand new one.

Halftime. Yuki Kawamura glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Did you know Yuki Kawamura keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. And now, our halftime TV game show The Chase to the Dollar Store! To win a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care, text HOOPS to 555-0225 and answer this question: 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

That is the pass that beats a zone, and AJ Dybantsa threw it before the help even committed. Here comes the slip from AJ Dybantsa, and Dyson Daniels reads it a half second before anybody else in the building. AJ Dybantsa beat the clock by a tenth of a second and missed by about four feet. Technically legal, competitively pointless.

Turnover, layup, Phoenix No-Defense straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Nobody is getting a hand near that. Yuki Kawamura has all the room in the world. Count them with me: one step, two steps, and a third one nobody asked for. The official has seen enough of Yuki Kawamura.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Phoenix No-Defense with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Two guys on the exact same page, Yuki Kawamura and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and the defense is left holding a bag of nothing. Fifth possession this half where Yuki Kawamura has been left to bail everybody out with the clock at zero. He cannot keep doing this alone.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Phoenix No-Defense in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Push the pace! Yuki Kawamura grabs it and hits AJ Dybantsa in stride before the defense can even match up. AJ Dybantsa feels the contact, spins off that shoulder, and the defender is left hugging a whole lot of nothing. Not a hand on him. AJ Dybantsa flat missed the bunny.

Yuki Kawamura wraps him up with nobody between the ball and the rim, and the officials do not hesitate for a second.

Chased down from behind and wrapped up before he can get into his dribble, all courtesy of Dyson Daniels. Here comes the free throw parade.

Yuki Kawamura clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Dyson Daniels fidgets with his wristband nervously. And here is the answer to our game The Chase to the Dollar Store! Lurlene Dobbins of Rusty Spoon, New Mexico, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How long is a minute on a stopwatch held by somebody in a hurry?' The answer was of course fifty-one seconds, give or take a conscience. Lurlene takes home a boxed set of instructional VHS tapes about gutter care! I learned that Yuki Kawamura's father was a volunteer firefighter. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.

Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

99-96 (W)

Won it clean! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar got up and over him with room to spare.

Bucket for Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Verticality, timing, discipline: Jalen Johnson never bites on the pump fake and still finds a way to erase the shot.

Cold blooded from Los Angeles Nursing-Home, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

A fistful of jersey to stop the break, and the bill comes due for AJ Dybantsa: two at the line plus possession. Not one hand went for the basketball, just a forearm through the chest of AJ Dybantsa. That is the textbook definition of unnecessary contact.

Coach calls everyone back. Jalen Johnson drags his feet toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Jalen Johnson tried to impress the Los Angeles Nursing-Home players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. And now, our halftime TV game show Name That Smell! To win a barbecue apron that reads KISS THE FORKLIFT OPERATOR, text HOOPS to 555-0357 and answer this question: 'Which is heavier, a pound of orange slices or a pound of team spirit?' Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Yuki Kawamura already has the defense a full step behind. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar turns the corner off the screen from AJ Dybantsa, the help never rotates, and the lane is WIDE open! The extra pass! AJ Dybantsa had the look, gave it up anyway, and Yuki Kawamura buries it. BANG! OHHHHH FROM THE LOGO! Yuki Kawamura pulls up from another area code and it is PURE!

One finger to the sky, held there, eyes closed in the middle of all that noise, and Yuki Kawamura does not move. The arena figures it out and quiets for a beat. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar puts a hand on his back and says nothing, then the sound comes back like a wave.

Swing, swing, and AJ Dybantsa finds Yuki Kawamura on the wing before the help can even turn its head. Not an inch to spare on the endline, but Yuki Kawamura keeps both feet in bounds and the help gets there a beat too late. That little shot is what keeps guards employed in this league, and Yuki Kawamura has it on a string tonight.

No hero ball here: Yuki Kawamura takes what the defense gives and moves it along. Down screen, and AJ Dybantsa curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. AJ Dybantsa went for the deep heat check and produced the loudest silence of the night, roar to OHHHH in half a second.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Yuki Kawamura drops it off to Dyson Daniels on time and on target. Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Dyson Daniels and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Dyson Daniels gets to his spot in the lane, lifts the runner over the big man, and leaves it a foot short. No dice.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Yuki Kawamura controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. AJ Dybantsa splits the coverage with a bounce pass you need slow motion to appreciate. Dimes. Rising into two defenders, Jalen Johnson launches a jumper that finds nothing but backboard and bad decisions.

Watch the arms on Jalen Johnson, straight up, no arm bar, nothing for the officials to blow. That is coaching and discipline. That outlet from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a weapon, it turns a defensive stop into two points in about three seconds. Yuki Kawamura rips the rebound and fires it up the sideline, Jalen Johnson catches in stride and kisses it off the glass.

Screen, roll, DELIVERY from Yuki Kawamura! Nothing but runway to the rim! That is a dime from AJ Dybantsa that deserved so much better, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands.

Jalen Johnson and AJ Dybantsa swing Kareem Abdul-Jabbar around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. And here is the answer to our game Name That Smell! Odell Trippett of Broke Axle, Alaska, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'Which is heavier, a pound of orange slices or a pound of team spirit?' The answer was of course the orange slices, and it is not close. Odell takes home a barbecue apron that reads KISS THE FORKLIFT OPERATOR! Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'

Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol

107-105 (W)

The beauty of it is that Yuki Kawamura never has to set a screen at all, the exchange IS the screen. Nightmare to guard. AJ Dybantsa blows the wide open layup! Dyson Daniels SKIES for it! Extra life for this offense. Second chance points for Dyson Daniels, tipping his own miss straight back in before his feet ever touched the floor.

Nothing but a nod. Dyson Daniels jogs back on defense with his eyes half closed, like the shot was a formality he had penciled in. The entire arena is levitating and he could not look less involved. The Toronto Border-Patrol bench looks personally insulted.

Whistle. Timeout. Dyson Daniels just broke them in half.

That is a possession thrown away. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar watched the flight of the ball instead of finding a body, and it cost two.

Screen, pop, SPLASH! Yuki Kawamura kicks it out and that thing never touched iron. Shot clock at one, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar just has to throw something at the rim. Nothing doing.

Nobody boxed out. Tip in, Toronto Border-Patrol, and two of ours were standing right there watching it happen.

Halftime. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. True story: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Toronto Border-Patrol. Awkward. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Bologna! To win a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore, text HOOPS to 555-0204 and answer this question: 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!

SPIN and GO! Yuki Kawamura pirouettes right through the traffic and comes out the other side clean! Yuki Kawamura rises from deep, the defender flies in a half second late, and the officials put up three fingers.

More second chance points for Toronto Border-Patrol, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Dyson Daniels kicks it over to Jalen Johnson, no dribble, no drama, and this offense settles into a rhythm. Jalen Johnson holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to Yuki Kawamura flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Rising up out of the corner, Yuki Kawamura sends it LONG, clanging off the far side and out to the wing.

Laser from AJ Dybantsa, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. OHHHH the hesi! Jalen Johnson froze him solid and he is already gone! Perfect drop-off from Yuki Kawamura, and Jalen Johnson answers with... whatever that was. Off the glass, off the rim, and gone.

A probe, a plant of the outside foot, and Yuki Kawamura pushes off while his man is still fighting to recover his balance. Three-point play the old-fashioned way, and Yuki Kawamura buries the freebie without blinking.

Total control. Yuki Kawamura has this thing on a string. Backdoor, easy two, Jalen Johnson. Nap time on that side of the floor. OHHHH the POWER! Jalen Johnson took the hit and finished it anyway!

Ice in the veins: Jalen Johnson taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Follow the ball there: four sets of hands, Dyson Daniels makes the last read, and the defense never gets set. That is training camp offense. The block is clean, the ball is gone, and Yuki Kawamura is left staring at his empty hands like a man who lost his keys.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar hits a dab in 2026. Jalen Johnson does an ironic dab. AJ Dybantsa has no idea what that is. And here is the answer to our game Bowling for Bologna! Faye Ellen Duckworth of Sweat Bee, Connecticut, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many buttons on a scoreboard controller actually do anything?' The answer was of course two, and the rest are there for confidence. Faye Ellen takes home a set of hubcaps for a car that nobody makes anymore! My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.

Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

115-97 (W)

Minnesota Ice-Wall again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Handoff, turn the corner, BUCKET! Yuki Kawamura did all the dirty work on that one. Dyson Daniels threads a BEAUTY to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Over the top of everybody. AJ Dybantsa to Yuki Kawamura in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Yuki Kawamura gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. Buzzer on the shot clock, Yuki Kawamura heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Yuki Kawamura walks it up, two fingers in the air, and the whole offense shifts on his command. Dribble handoff from AJ Dybantsa, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Watch the footwork from Yuki Kawamura: one-two into the paint, no charge, feathery touch off the glass. Filthy craft.

Oldest play in the book and it still works: Yuki Kawamura passes, the defender peeks at the ball, and that one beat is the whole possession. Jab, jab, STEPBACK. Yuki Kawamura snatched his ankles and let it go clean.

Halftime. Dyson Daniels glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Did you know Dyson Daniels knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Minnesota Ice-Wall's colors. By accident, obviously. And now, our halftime TV game show The Weakest Ankle! To win a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska, text HOOPS to 555-0212 and answer this question: 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

Jalen Johnson has to see that help man. When a defender beats you to the spot and sits down, you pull it out.

More second chance points for Minnesota Ice-Wall, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

One hard step and AJ Dybantsa owns that whole side of the floor, which means the low man has to make a decision he does not want. Get that one framed. AJ Dybantsa took off from the block and the defender is still lying on the floor.

Ejected. Yuki Kawamura is gone. No debate, no discussion, that was reckless.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and AJ Dybantsa makes it every single trip down the floor. You could hear the whole building groan, and Dyson Daniels knew it the second the ball left his fingers, already jogging back on defense.

Ball moves. Yuki Kawamura to AJ Dybantsa, on time and on target. Jalen Johnson eats the contact so AJ Dybantsa can run free along the baseline, and the catch-and-shoot look is right there. AJ Dybantsa gathers on the baseline, absorbs contact from two bodies, and slams it home. That rim is still shaking.

Backing all the way to half court with three fingers held over each eye, AJ Dybantsa keeps the goggles on for the entire trip. The bench mob copies it in unison. The broadcast cuts to twelve grown men wearing invisible glasses. Peak television, honestly.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Yuki Kawamura has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Kareem Abdul-Jabbar precisely where the play wanted it. OHHHH the pin-down! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Yuki Kawamura. Brutal. So close. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar can only stare at the iron.

Jalen Johnson does the floss while AJ Dybantsa spins like a top. Dyson Daniels just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. And here is the answer to our game The Weakest Ankle! Delbert Yoakum of Cold Biscuit, Missouri, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many minutes are in a halftime that feels like forever?' The answer was of course fifteen, though eleven of those are purely spiritual. Delbert takes home a laminated placemat showing every single county in Nebraska! While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.

Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off

109-90 (W)

The referee tosses it high and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar rises late, which is exactly how you win one of these. Timing over height, every single time.

Turnover, layup, Houston Blast-Off straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Yuki Kawamura launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Give and go! AJ Dybantsa gives it up, cuts, and gets it right back with a clear lane to the cup! Nobody bothered to contest it, because nobody believed AJ Dybantsa would shoot from there. Lesson learned the hard way.

AJ Dybantsa freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Houston Blast-Off coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

Everybody in the arena knew the stepback was coming from Dyson Daniels, and not one single soul could do anything about it. BAAAANG! Dyson Daniels gets hammered, banks it in anyway, and here comes the bonus.

Wiping imaginary dust off both shoulders, Dyson Daniels strolls back on defense at the speed of a man walking his dog. Jalen Johnson carries the bit further and mimes brushing off his shoes. The bench is on the floor. The head coach is not laughing, but only barely.

REJECTED! Jalen Johnson gets ALL of that jumper and the building erupts! Jalen Johnson grabs it, turns, and slings a one-hander three quarters of the floor. Filthy. Two defenders in the lane, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar splits them, double clutches and kisses it off the square. Count it!

Finally a breather. Yuki Kawamura has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Anecdote: Yuki Kawamura once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. And now, our halftime TV game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! To win two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened, text HOOPS to 555-0405 and answer this question: 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

Yuki Kawamura rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. Not close, not warm, not anywhere for Yuki Kawamura, straight into the hands of a defender who never had to leave his feet.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Houston Blast-Off with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Over the top of everybody. Dyson Daniels to Yuki Kawamura in the corner, wide open, catch and rise. The defender planted his feet, and Yuki Kawamura said thank you very much and drove straight through his front pocket. Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Yuki Kawamura fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Hesitate, GO. Yuki Kawamura is by that hip before the man even blinks. That is the shot chart lying to you. Yuki Kawamura did everything right on this possession and has zero points to show for it.

OHHHH this thing is out of control! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar will not let that rival star have the last word tonight!

Watch the spacing there, Yuki Kawamura hits AJ Dybantsa right in the shooting pocket and the possession stays alive. Hard drive, hard stop, and AJ Dybantsa retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. AJ Dybantsa gets into the paint, sees the shot blocker rising, and simply lifts it over the top of him. Never had a prayer.

That is the pass nobody puts on a highlight reel, and AJ Dybantsa makes it every single trip down the floor. POCKET PASS! Jalen Johnson threads it to Dyson Daniels between two bodies and the rim is wide open! Two points left on the floor by Dyson Daniels, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Jalen Johnson and Dyson Daniels carry Yuki Kawamura like a trophy across the entire court. And here is the answer to our game show Triple Dog Dare Hour! Maureen Skaggs of North Fork Elbow, Idaho, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many peanuts are dropped on the floor of an average arena per game?' The answer was of course four thousand and nine, not counting the ones nobody will admit to. Maureen therefore wins two pails of driveway sealer that have never once been opened! On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'

Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track

110-91 (W)

He had a clear runway, he had two steps of daylight, and AJ Dybantsa took it all away anyway. One hand, full court, AJ Dybantsa hits Yuki Kawamura in stride and the crowd is already up. Turn it over against this team and Yuki Kawamura is gone the second the ball changes hands. Those transition points keep stacking up.

OHHHH the pocket pass! Yuki Kawamura splits the coverage and the roll man is loose under the basket! Dyson Daniels fires that thing at the backboard like it owes him money. No chance from the moment it left his hand.

Bucket for Denver Horse-Track. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Laser from Yuki Kawamura, corner to corner, and that closeout gets there about a second and a half too late. OHHHH the separation! Dyson Daniels just manufactured three feet of daylight out of absolutely nothing. HAMMER! Dyson Daniels goes right through the trees and throws it DOWN with the foul!

Dyson Daniels freezes in his follow-through, wrist still hanging, and holds it while the Denver Horse-Track coach burns a timeout out of pure desperation. He holds it through the whistle. He holds it into the huddle. The cameras eat every single second of it.

Yuki Kawamura rips it back into the stepback and suddenly there is a country mile between him and that defender. It went halfway down! The ball sat in the cylinder, thought about it, and rolled off the far side on Yuki Kawamura. Cruel.

The players disappear into the tunnel. AJ Dybantsa asks for an ice pack. Did you know? AJ Dybantsa once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. And now, our halftime TV game show Foul Line Confessions! To win a hood ornament from a truck that was never built, text HOOPS to 555-1098 and answer this question: 'Why does every gym in the country smell exactly the same?' The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.

Dagger from Denver Horse-Track. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

OHHHH that is filthy! Yuki Kawamura on the handoff and the man guarding it is still fighting over the top. That stepback is unguardable once the drive gets sold, and Dyson Daniels has had that defender guessing wrong all night long.

Ice in the veins: Dyson Daniels taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Yuki Kawamura has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Dyson Daniels precisely where the play wanted it. Dyson Daniels comes flying off that screen and he is WIDE open! Gift wrapped by AJ Dybantsa, and Dyson Daniels cannot finish the two footer. That one is going to sting.

Two on one the other way and that is a free deuce all day long... except AJ Dybantsa says absolutely not. Steal, sprint, slam. AJ Dybantsa takes the Yuki Kawamura feed and puts it down before anyone gets back.

Ice in the veins: AJ Dybantsa taps two fingers on his wrist, slow and cold, while the horn is still fading. Courtside is standing on the chairs. The visiting bench does not move an inch. Somebody in the second row has already turned it into a T-shirt.

Watch the sell from Dyson Daniels here, he leans in, he gets the defender leaning with him, and then he backs away into all that space. Up goes the shot from Dyson Daniels and that is nothing but AIR, and every soul in this building saw it happen.

The drive goes baseline, Jalen Johnson rotates off the weak side and meets him at the rim with both arms straight up. Jalen Johnson goes up with the hands to the ceiling and the shot comes off the front rim. Textbook verticality.

The defender wants to reach and does not dare. Yuki Kawamura keeps the ball on the back hip, chin up, counting down.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar pretends to faint from happiness. Yuki Kawamura pretends to call 911. And here is the answer to our game show Foul Line Confessions! Wendell Crabtree of Lost Mitten, Colorado, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'Why does every gym in the country smell exactly the same?' The answer was of course floor wax, popcorn, and forty years of accumulated nervousness. Wendell therefore wins a hood ornament from a truck that was never built! During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'

Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers

83-114 (L)

Both guys crouch, both guys go, and it is Jalen Johnson who wins the little argument at center court.

Clean feed from Dyson Daniels, nothing forced, just the offense breathing. Yuki Kawamura holds it, waits, waits some more, then lets it go at the last possible instant to AJ Dybantsa flying by. That is a half-second window and he threads it. Pull-up from the elbow by AJ Dybantsa, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

Eight seconds off the shot clock and Yuki Kawamura has not wasted one of them, the ball reaching Kareem Abdul-Jabbar precisely where the play wanted it. No roll this time. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar swings it right back to Yuki Kawamura above the break, and it is PURE. BAAAANG! Yuki Kawamura catches it and lets it FLY, nothing but net from the corner!

Slow walk, no expression. Yuki Kawamura backpedals past the New York Over-Timers huddle close enough to hear what is being said and never turns his head. The crowd noise is a physical object at this point. One of their assistants stands up, and nothing comes of it.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for New York Over-Timers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Set called, Dyson Daniels waved out to the corner, and Yuki Kawamura watches the spacing open up like a front door. Watch the change of pace from Dyson Daniels, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. Dyson Daniels had that one all the way, perfect release, perfect arc, and the rim simply refuses to let it drop.

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Jalen Johnson walks head down toward the tunnel. Did you know Jalen Johnson once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. And now, our halftime TV game show The Newlywed Regret Game! To win a genuine imitation leather fanny pack, text HOOPS to 555-0155 and answer this question: 'How many potato chips are in a family size bag before the air gets involved?' The players are back on the court. Here we go again!

Turnover, layup, New York Over-Timers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Yuki Kawamura drops it off to AJ Dybantsa on time and on target. Down screen, and AJ Dybantsa curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, AJ Dybantsa goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

STOP AND GO! Dyson Daniels hit the brakes, hit the gas, and the lane opened up like a garage door. You can hear this arena react a half second before the ball even goes through, and that tells you everything about Dyson Daniels.

Dagger from New York Over-Timers. You could hear the air leave this arena on that one.

Here is the part that never makes the highlight package: Yuki Kawamura controlling tempo, burning clock, hunting the mismatch the second one shows up. OHHHH the pin-down! AJ Dybantsa pops out clean while the defender is STILL tangled up with Yuki Kawamura. Brutal. Soft off the fingertips, the ball takes a full lap of the rim on AJ Dybantsa, and spits straight back out. That is theft.

New York Over-Timers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Total control. Yuki Kawamura has this thing on a string. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar crosses, crosses back, the defender slides half a step the wrong way and the whole arena lets out the same OHHHH. Two points left on the floor by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Ohhh no. Corner three, New York Over-Timers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

You can teach the jumper, you cannot teach the willingness, and AJ Dybantsa gives up a decent shot every single time a better one exists. Long and gone. Dyson Daniels floats the teardrop over everything and bangs it off the back iron.

Pass, skip, reversal, pass again. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar shifts with every single one of them and the possession ends in a contested fadeaway. AJ Dybantsa tips the pass, hits the floor after it, and comes up out of the pile with possession.

Dyson Daniels refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Yuki Kawamura watches it and immediately regrets it. And here is the answer to our game The Newlywed Regret Game! Loretta Bagwell of Turkey Foot, Georgia, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many potato chips are in a family size bag before the air gets involved?' The answer was of course eleven, and the remainder is atmosphere. Loretta takes home a genuine imitation leather fanny pack! I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

101-97 (W)

Clean block, all ball, no whistle, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar jogs back down the floor like nothing happened. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar converts on the break again, and that defense has now been beaten down the floor three straight trips. Somebody better call timeout.

Careless. Yuki Kawamura had the entire frontcourt open in front of him and chose to reverse into a violation.

Feet were down. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar drove through a brick wall, and the officials agree with the brick wall.

Set called, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar waved out to the corner, and Yuki Kawamura watches the spacing open up like a front door. This is the work that never shows up on a stat sheet, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gets the credit and the guy setting the screen gets the bruise. OHHHH, that one died in the air! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar put nothing into it and the front rim eats the floater.

That is the pass that beats a zone, and Yuki Kawamura threw it before the help even committed. Beautiful footwork on that one from AJ Dybantsa, the pivot foot never budges, which is precisely why the whistle stays in the pocket. That is what heavy minutes do, AJ Dybantsa has run all night and the legs have nothing left to give the jumper.

Both teams head to the locker room. AJ Dybantsa wipes his forehead with his jersey. Locker room anecdote: AJ Dybantsa talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. And now, our halftime TV game show Tic-Tac-Dough-Nut! To win a decorative outhouse birdhouse with no hole in it, text HOOPS to 555-0367 and answer this question: 'What time is it inside a microwave that has said 12:00 for eleven years?' The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

More second chance points for Cleveland Twin-Towers, and our bench is up screaming for a timeout. Rightly so.

Hard drive, hard stop, and Dyson Daniels retreats into an ocean of open hardwood. That is a dime from Jalen Johnson that deserved so much better, and Dyson Daniels knows it, head down, jogging back before the ball even lands. Hustle play of the night so far. AJ Dybantsa gave up his ribs for one extra possession and the bench is on its feet. OHHHH he went and GOT that! AJ Dybantsa with the putback jam over two bodies.

AJ Dybantsa pulls the jersey away from his chest and points at the crest, twice, hard, then taps his heart. No smile, no theater. The arena horn keeps going long after it should stop. Somebody up in the rafters is holding a sign about this exact city.

A single dribble is all Dyson Daniels needed to get downhill, and the back side of that defense is in complete disarray. Two points left on the floor by Dyson Daniels, and those are exactly the ones that come back to bite you in the fourth.

Ball up the floor, change of speed right at the logo, and Yuki Kawamura already has the defense a full step behind. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Dyson Daniels spun out of a double team like it was a revolving door! Oh my. Dyson Daniels did not even draw iron.

Cold blooded from Cleveland Twin-Towers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Push the pace! Yuki Kawamura grabs it and hits Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in stride before the defense can even match up. OHHHHH HE SNATCHED HIS ANKLES! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar left him on the hardwood and this building is SHAKING! Stuck holding it as the clock bleeds out, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar fades away from twenty-six feet, and it is not close.

Yuki Kawamura walks it up past the timeline, nine seconds showing, and you can feel the air go out of this arena. GAME OVER! Yuki Kawamura said not tonight, and the horn agreed with him!

Salute: sharp, military, held. Yuki Kawamura delivers it toward the loudest corner of the building and does not drop his hand until the noise starts to hurt. Dyson Daniels snaps to attention beside him and the bench follows. Twelve saluting maniacs and a coach with his head in his hands.

Yuki Kawamura and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar fake a wrestling match. AJ Dybantsa plays the referee and calls a timeout. And here is the answer to our game Tic-Tac-Dough-Nut! Cletus Vandersnoot of Half Moon Ditch, Iowa, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'What time is it inside a microwave that has said 12:00 for eleven years?' The answer was of course whatever time the power went out in 1994. Cletus takes home a decorative outhouse birdhouse with no hole in it! I learned backstage that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar also does volunteer firefighter on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'

Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers

91-127 (L)

Turnover, layup, Boston Ring-Chasers straight through us in transition. Careless basketball.

Dyson Daniels launches it weak side, one pass, and the whole shell has to sprint. Good luck with that. Down screen, and AJ Dybantsa curls hard into the middle of the floor with a full step of daylight. Easy read. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That was IN for AJ Dybantsa!

Third reach charged to Jalen Johnson. At some point the officials stop giving you the benefit of the doubt, and that point was two whistles ago. Foul trouble is a chess match and Jalen Johnson just lost a piece. Three before the break changes how this team defends the pick and roll.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Boston Ring-Chasers in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Shot is up, Jalen Johnson loses the wrestling match on the block, and the ball comes down in enemy hands.

Rest. AJ Dybantsa buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Quick anecdote about AJ Dybantsa: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. And now, our halftime TV game show Bowling for Buckets! To win a tackle box packed solid with loose buttons, text HOOPS to 555-1112 and answer this question: 'How many buckets fit in a bucket if the buckets are points?' Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

Boston Ring-Chasers again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

Wide open at the top of the key and AJ Dybantsa cannot make it count, the defense secures the board and takes off in transition. Nobody put a body on Jalen Johnson and he made them pay, tipping it to himself and coming down with two hands in the trees. Second pass beats the rotation, Jalen Johnson to Dyson Daniels, and the closeout gets there about half a second too late. Stop on a dime, up and over those outstretched arms, and the center can only stand there and watch Dyson Daniels walk away from it.

Cold blooded from Boston Ring-Chasers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

Set called, Dyson Daniels waved out to the corner, and Yuki Kawamura watches the spacing open up like a front door. That hesitation move is exactly why they keep sending a second body at Dyson Daniels the moment he crosses half court. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar threads a BEAUTY to Dyson Daniels under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Boston Ring-Chasers with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

One little shoulder dip from Yuki Kawamura and the guy guarding him turned into a traffic cone in real time. Nobody touched him, nobody trapped him, and Yuki Kawamura still coughed it up. Easiest whistle these officials will blow all night.

Unselfish basketball. Yuki Kawamura passes up a good shot and hands AJ Dybantsa a GREAT one. Catch on the block, shoulder into the chest, one dribble, and AJ Dybantsa finishes over the top. Textbook.

Five bodies moving as one, Dyson Daniels barking out every rotation, and there is not a crack anywhere in this thing. PICKED HIS POCKET! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar jumps the passing lane and he is GONE the other way!

Dyson Daniels sets it and slides out instead of rolling, Yuki Kawamura finds him late, and the defense pays for cheating under the screen. Buzzer on the shot clock, Dyson Daniels heaves it off one leg, and the ball comes up short of everything.

Onions from AJ Dybantsa! He plants himself in front of a freight train and just wears the whole thing.

Jalen Johnson shakes Yuki Kawamura's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. And here is the answer to our game show Bowling for Buckets! Tammy Lynn Housewright of Big Elbow, Washington, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'How many buckets fit in a bucket if the buckets are points?' The answer was of course two per bucket, three from way out, and one if somebody fouls you. Tammy Lynn therefore wins a tackle box packed solid with loose buttons! My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.

Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

114-98 (W)

Watch the spacing, Yuki Kawamura drags two bodies toward the ball and AJ Dybantsa is standing alone behind the line. Geometry, not luck. AROUND the cylinder and OUT! AJ Dybantsa cannot believe it, and neither can this building. Second-chance points are how you steal games on the road, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has now cleaned up four misses tonight. That is pure want-to: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was the only man on the floor who decided that rebound belonged to him.

Cold blooded from San Antonio Skyscrapers, way out beyond the arc, and our defense is scrambling in rotation.

OHHHH the theater from AJ Dybantsa! Barely a brush and he is flat on his back studying the scoreboard.

This is the counter: Yuki Kawamura punished a defense that kept going under, and now they have to rip up the game plan. In, around, and gone. The iron gives Jalen Johnson nothing.

Dyson Daniels stutters at the elbow, the defender bites on it, and now there is nothing but open floor between him and the rim. Clang. Dyson Daniels wants that one back.

Halftime whistle! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Little scoop: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. And now, our halftime TV game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! To win a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn, text HOOPS to 555-0629 and answer this question: 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

Kick out to Yuki Kawamura, one more to Jalen Johnson, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. Watch the feet on Jalen Johnson there, still drifting sideways at the release, and that is exactly why the floater sails wide left of everything. The shot is short, and Yuki Kawamura is the only man moving. He rips it out of the crowd and the possession lives. Miss, tip, bucket. Yuki Kawamura makes his living in the wreckage.

Whirl, and GONE! Yuki Kawamura leaves the defender grabbing at a jersey that stopped being there half a second ago. Yuki Kawamura attacks the baseline, the big man steps up to meet him, and it does not matter one bit. FILTHY.

Nobody on the bench is sitting. Not the coaches, not the trainers, not the guy in the suit who never plays. Yuki Kawamura points at all of them at once with both hands. Towels come down like weather and the officials wait it out with the patience of the doomed.

Bucket for San Antonio Skyscrapers. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Across half court, a quick survey, a point to the weak side, and Yuki Kawamura drops it off to AJ Dybantsa on time and on target. AJ Dybantsa hands it off to Dyson Daniels, slices through the seam, and the return pass is sitting there waiting at the rim. Third one of these from AJ Dybantsa this quarter, third time the arc is wrong. The lane is not open real estate anymore.

Nobody dribbled, nobody isolated, Dyson Daniels and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar just played basketball and the defense got shredded. Ambition, ten out of ten. Footwork, two out of ten. Dyson Daniels beat himself before the defender ever showed up.

Watch the change of pace from Dyson Daniels, half speed into full speed in one step, and that is a blow-by every time. That is the kind of finish that changes a defense's body language, and Dyson Daniels has already done it twice this quarter.

Straight to the logo at center court, Dyson Daniels plants both feet and flexes until the veins show. The bench is a pile of bodies and airborne headbands. An assistant coach has to be physically restrained by a trainer who is also celebrating.

Head down, no read, no plan. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar bulldozes the help defender and gives away a possession for absolutely nothing.

Jalen Johnson performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Yuki Kawamura imitates it. It's worse. And here is the answer to our game show Concentration But Nobody Is Paying Attention! Junior Applewhite of Gravy Bend, South Carolina, got it right. The question, I remind you, was 'What time is it in a gymnasium when the clock is broken?' The answer was of course always 4:17, a time that has never done anybody any good. Junior therefore wins a set of drink coasters showing all fifty state flowers, badly drawn! On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'

Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

83-120 (L)

Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest again, and again nobody is home. Three straight trips down the floor with zero resistance.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Dyson Daniels put that man in a blender and the third row felt it! Pull-up from the elbow by Dyson Daniels, halfway down, spinning inside the iron, and it pops right back out.

And there it is, a walk-in layup for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with not one hand raised in the paint. Somebody has to protect that rim.

Kick out to AJ Dybantsa, one more to Jalen Johnson, splash from the wing and this bench is on its feet. DOUBLE DRIBBLE! Jalen Johnson picked it up, put it back down, and the whistle went off like a smoke alarm.

Count it and the foul. Brutal. Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest with a three point play and a gut punch in the same possession.

Halftime! Jalen Johnson checks his stats on the board and winces. The staff told me Jalen Johnson sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. And now, our halftime TV game show Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! To win a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office, text HOOPS to 555-0278 and answer this question: 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Yuki Kawamura dribbles it out at the top of the key and never even looks at the basket.

Bucket for Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest. Wide open look, and nobody even ran at the shooter.

Hesitate, GO. Dyson Daniels is by that hip before the man even blinks. Rises, releases, and Dyson Daniels sends the ball through the exact patch of sky where the rim is not.

Ohhh no. Corner three, Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest in rhythm now, and our side of the building goes silent.

Reverse it, make them slide all over again, that is how Dyson Daniels breaks a shell down. Here comes Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sprinting off the elbow. Jalen Johnson slides it into his pocket and that chase defender is buried. Down, up, and gone for Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. The rim is just toying with him now.

Yuki Kawamura gets it on the reversal and now this defense is rotating, scrambling and losing ground, all because AJ Dybantsa saw it a beat early. Dribble handoff from Yuki Kawamura, and the defender gets wiped out on the exchange! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar loses his angle on the baseline and still finds a way to flip it home with the off hand. Bucket!

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar deadpans directly into the broadcast camera: nod, wink, gone. Total elapsed time, one and a half seconds. The commentators lose it completely. Yuki Kawamura arrives too late and mugs at an empty lens for nobody at all.

GONE down the baseline! Dyson Daniels beat him on the first step and the paint is collapsing. Catching it right at the cup with nobody within eight feet, Dyson Daniels goes up too strong and the ball rides high off the backboard.

This is the possession the entire scouting report warned about, and Dyson Daniels is licking his chops. You cannot foul a shooter out that far, and Dyson Daniels just made this defense pay the maximum price for it.

Unselfish basketball. AJ Dybantsa passes up a good shot and hands Yuki Kawamura a GREAT one. Jalen Johnson threads a BEAUTY to Yuki Kawamura under the rim and... he lays it off the bottom of the iron! Ohhhh, no.

Inbounds pass and Dyson Daniels is on him instantly, two hands on the jersey, whistle. The clock freezes at nineteen point four.

Jalen Johnson walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. AJ Dybantsa drags one foot after the other. And here is the answer to our game Storage Wars of the Half-Empty Unit! Verna Lou Cottongim of Flat Tire, Arizona, got it right. The question, let me remind you, was 'How many folding tables does a county fair actually own?' The answer was of course nobody knows, because they multiply in the off-season. Verna Lou takes home a bag of nine hundred rubber bands from a post office! I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'