My dream soccer team — football_team 🇺🇸

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

2-3 (L)

PENALTY! The defender brings Walter White down in the box with a CLUMSY tackle! The referee blows immediately. The match could pivot on this very MOMENT! Walter White steps up and takes the penalty... POST! The ball comes back, he can't believe it. Captain America is in the box like a VULTURE! On the deflected ball, he prods it in at point-blank range. GOAL!

Walter White and Captain America do the rehearsed move from the last party: imaginary top hat lift, military salute, spin. Flawless. Hulk arrives late, misses his cue, flubs it spectacularly. The crowd in bits.

Tony Stark chooses the short corner and finds Walter White for the layoff, the combination is on. The chemist slides a perfect cut-back for Batman in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class. The superhero prods the ball into the net with the tip of his boot! GOAL! In that position, that nose for goal makes you indispensable.

Rehearsed move all week: Tony Stark and Captain America stage a Wild West duel, back to back, ten paces, turn, fire. Hulk plays the corpse in the middle. The stadium wants an encore, they do it twice more before the ref cuts it off.

The superhero lays it off first time to The Homelander, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The superhero shifts Batman into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. Incredible burst of pace from Batman, he eats up the ground in just a few strides. Shirt pull from Batman, the attacker's jersey stretches about two yards!

Groot cuts out the opposition's build-up with a perfectly timed interception. The kind of player who plays chess while everyone else plays draughts. Sideways ball from Groot to Sonic the Hedgehog, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Sonic the Hedgehog puts Batman into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. Batman clips the ball into the area with a whipped cross, The Homelander gets across the near post first. The superhero is beaten in the air, the attacker got higher. Losing an aerial duel like that in his position puts the whole team in danger.

Oh no, Paris Saint-Glinglin score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

The dressing room feels like a funeral parlour. Grey faces, hollow eyes, shoulders slumped. Captain America has not moved since sitting down. Tony Stark is muttering to {himself} in the corner. The gaffer lets the weight of the scoreline crush them for a full minute before speaking: "Are you done feeling sorry for yourselves? Good. Because I am not done with this match." Now Walter White — bless him — once showed up to pre-season training with a sunburn so severe he looked like a Drumstick lolly. Spent one afternoon in Margate without suncream. At 180, there's a lot of surface area to burn, in fairness. And now, our TV game show Celebrity Gogglebox of Horrors! To win a television remote with missing batteries, text 5456 and answer: 'How many remotes does the average British living room have and does anyone know which one controls the volume?' Groot is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Fantastic surging run from The Homelander, he sets off from his own half and charges towards goal. The Homelander goes down in the box after contact with the defender. The referee does not hesitate for a SECOND and awards a penalty! CRUCIAL moment of the match! The Homelander strikes his penalty and the post repels it! He's on the ground, gutted. Hulk rolls it short to Spider-Man into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play.

They've scored again! Paris Saint-Glinglin are running riot and we can't cope.

Free kick swung in by Walter White, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Groot is lurking. Groot heads it but it misses the target by inches. Gutting, he had the angle. Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. The superhero shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Captain America. Pure quality, as per usual.

Short pass from the player to Tony Stark, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Great overlap from Tony Stark down the flank, pinpoint cross for The Homelander in the area. This is the moment. The Homelander wins the header in a crowded box, he popped up above three players. That man is an aircraft. Good ball from the superhero to Tony Stark, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does.

Sombrero flick from The Homelander, the ball lobs the defender and he collects it on the other side. Majestic. The Homelander links up with Spider-Man, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. The superhero lets fly and it's wide. Flirted with the frame though. In that position, with a tiny bit more precision that's going in. Hulk boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Spider-Man! Long ball that catches everyone off guard.

Wally West heads the corner from Tony Stark at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough. Hulk distributes by hand to Sonic the Hedgehog on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Sonic the Hedgehog puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Sonic the Hedgehog rolls it back across the turf, Galactus is lurking in the box, ready to pounce.

Oh no, Paris Saint-Glinglin score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

The player hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show. The player plays it simple to Walter White, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The chemist misplaces his pass to Spider-Man, the ball goes nowhere. Not his finest moment. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football.

Defeat. The Homelander sits on the pitch long after the whistle, knees pulled up, replaying every mistake in his head. Captain America comes back out from the tunnel to get him: "Come on, mate. Can't stay here all night." The groundsman's already got the sprinklers going. Keith from Grimsby says six remotes and no, nobody knows which one does the volume, they just press them all. Remote with no batteries for Keith! We hand you over now to the evening's main event: 'The Great British Bake Off, but in a caravan during a heatwave.' Soggy bottoms have a whole new meaning.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-2 (L)

And it's a goal! México No-Era-Penal punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Wally West anticipates the lofted pass and intercepts with his chest. Total control, maximum game intelligence. Wally West threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Galactus bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. GOOOAL from the player! Toed in to the empty net. In that position, knowing how to be in the right place at the right time is what scores you 20 a season.

Wally West runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Tony Stark gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Lovely use of the ball by Captain America, finding Walter White in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Give and go from the chemist with Tony Stark, the block is pierced. In his position, that kind of combination is worth its weight in gold. What GENIUS from Walter White! Slalom in the box, he sits the keeper down and prods it in. GOAL!

Captain America fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Galactus plays the medic running in. Hulk plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

GOAL! México No-Era-Penal have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough. Good ball from Spider-Man to Walter White, playing it quick between the lines. Walter White feints right, goes left, the defender is completely wrong-footed. Low cut-back from Walter White, Sonic the Hedgehog arrives at pace and can hit it first time. The player finds Wally West along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Tony Stark sits at the end of the bench, head in hands. Decent first half but nothing special, and for a player of {his} quality, nothing special is not good enough. Walter White sits down beside {him}: "Second half, mate. It is coming. Trust me." Tony Stark nods but does not look up. Captain America once gave a nine-minute post-match interview entirely about the weather, mentioning drizzle fourteen times. At 28, the lad has officially become a middle-aged dad trapped in a footballer's body. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0707 and answer this question: 'What did the last bus to Grimsby apologise for?' Kick-off! Hulk wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Wally West plays it into the channel for Batman, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. The superhero strays just offside on Wally West's pass, the linesman raises his flag. Brutal. VAR has flagged something here, everyone is standing still waiting for the verdict.

Tony Stark keeps possession and plays it short to Walter White, new option for Walter White to cause trouble. The chemist finds Groot along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Groot slides it to Captain America, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. The military personnel opens up to Walter White on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

The superhero floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. Header from Wally West, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there. Galactus boots the ball as far as he possibly can with an emergency clearance. Zero style, one hundred percent effectiveness. Walter White rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over.

Spider-Man changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Groot. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. What a ball from Galactus! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Spider-Man is away on his own. That is velvet. The superhero overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon.

The player slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Groot spots Captain America in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness.

Last minute of regulation time, playing with their teeth in the ball. Hulk, the scientist, is up for the corner! Goal is wide open behind him. Dominant header from Batman on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. The superhero plays it simple to Tony Stark, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

Wing switch from Wally West, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Galactus brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Lazy pass from Galactus, the ball drags along the ground and an opponent strolls over to collect. The chemist fouls the opponent to break up the attack. It's part of the job at that position, knowing when to take one for the team. Walter White goes into the book after catching the opponent late and high.

Share of the spoils. Groot walks off puffing out his cheeks, not quite sure how he feels. Walter White throws an arm round him: "A point's a point, mate." The two squads mingle in the tunnel, polite handshakes all round. México No-Era-Penal probably walk away happier than we do. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Clive Fogsworth, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last bus to Grimsby apologise for?'. The answer was of course existing, which frankly we all understood. Clive wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

The player intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. The chemist sends a cannonball on the pass from Tony Stark, GOOOAL! In that position, that kind of power in the strike is an insane weapon.

Galactus dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

And there it is, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! The writing was on the wall after that pressure.

Captain America puts hellish pressure on the opposition build-up and forces the turnover. That is what high pressing looks like. Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. GOOOAL for Tony Stark! Not the prettiest goal in the world but it is in! Striker's instinct, GOAL!

Disciplined defense, each player closes down his side. Massive clearance from the player under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Tony Stark unleashes a raking ball out to Walter White, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer.

Ball in behind from the player, Sonic the Hedgehog is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. BY A WHISKER! Sonic the Hedgehog fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there. Hulk lumps it long towards Tony Stark, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. The superhero finds Walter White along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Walter White does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at Spider-Man. "That is your job. 28 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. The Homelander once set off three smoke alarms trying to make beans on toast. Fire services arrived to find the 28-year-old fanning a tea towel at a cremated Warburtons loaf — an absolute state. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1066 and answer this question: 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?' And the second half is go! Sonic the Hedgehog charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Hulk plays it along the ground to Tony Stark, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Firm pass from Tony Stark into Walter White, right into the boots. No waste. Walter White accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Walter White lobs the back line with a sublime cross, Batman collects behind the defence. That is the match-winning ball.

The chemist pulls out a roulette on the defender. In that position, a skill move like that is the cherry on top. Good ball from the chemist to Tony Stark, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Tony Stark has a crack and BAAANG! Wide but the ball kissed the post on the way out. Short distribution from Hulk to Wally West, circulating at the back, the press is beaten.

The superhero lays it off first time to Batman, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. The superhero pulls it back along the ground for Captain America. The low cut-back is his trademark. Captain America hits it first time but the defender reads the trajectory and blocks. Smart defending. Emergency clearance from the player, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. The Homelander is dominated in the aerial duel, the attacker is simply stronger in the air on that occasion.

The superhero wipes out the attacker with a horror challenge. Playing in that role demands composure, not carnage. Yellow card for the superhero, unsporting behaviour that sets a terrible example from that role. The free kick from Batman lands right on Wally West in the heart of the box. What a delivery! Wally West rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

Hulk opts for the short option to Groot, keeping possession, building play, no panic. Decisive interception from the player, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Groot throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand.

GOAL for Casablanca Dima-Maghrib! Their striker has slotted it home, nothing our keeper could do.

Hulk mimes a baseball home run, watches the imaginary ball disappear into imaginary clouds, then jogs round the bases. The Homelander plays the opposing manager crying on the sideline. Hulk applauds from the centre circle. The home end losing it.

Long ball from Hulk for Sonic the Hedgehog who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. Turnover from Sonic the Hedgehog, the pass is read like a book by the opposition defence. The superhero reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Spider-Man clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Draw. Tony Stark takes the time to shake every Casablanca Dima-Maghrib player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Hulk follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Trevor Mildew-Parsnip, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What colour is a transparent roundabout?'. The answer was of course a sort of disappointed beige. Trevor wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Stay with us for: 'Homes Under the Hammer — Martin Roberts discovers a property so haunted even the estate agent won't go inside.' Structural survey pending. Ghost survey: conclusive.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Spider-Man tries a moment of genius and it comes off, the defender is nailed to the floor. Standing ovation. GOOOOOAL! Spider-Man goes solo and it is a FESTIVAL! He beats three opponents and rounds the keeper!

Full moonwalk from Spider-Man, penalty spot to halfway line, timing immaculate. Tony Stark does the bassline, hand-on-mouth move, in sync. Hulk applauds slowly, cringing grin on his face. Every phone in the stadium is lit up.

Crucial intervention from the player, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Panicked clearance from Groot, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. Clearance from the scientist towards Spider-Man, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Spider-Man triggers a change of flanks for The Homelander, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads.

Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot. Spider-Man shoots and it's... in the stars. The ball boys are going to be busy retrieving that one. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever.

Brilliant interception from Galactus, he read the passer's intention before the ball even left his foot. Massive clearance from Galactus in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. Quick throw from Hulk to Batman out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Overlap from Batman on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt.

Monster clearance from Hulk, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Captain America. Short pass from the military personnel to Wally West, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Superb diagonal from the superhero to Galactus, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Acceleration from Galactus down the side, he takes the space behind the full-back. It is a motorway. Galactus drills a low ball back across the face of goal, Sonic the Hedgehog is free inside the eighteen-yard box.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Walter White reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Batman cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Wally West claims to hold the unofficial world record for eating 47 Jaffa Cakes in under six minutes. At 28 years old, the achievement remains unrecognised by Guinness but celebrated in the dressing room. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 7878 and answer this question: 'How many coat hooks are needed to sustain a marriage?' Sonic the Hedgehog trots out with a fresh shirt and a look that could curdle milk. Whatever happened in that dressing room has put fire in {his} belly.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Shifting pass from Wally West to Groot, the ball drifts into the free zone and Groot is onto it in two strides.

They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. SHOOOOT from Walter White... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in. Hulk throws it out quickly to Spider-Man, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Galactus to Spider-Man, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. Burst of speed from the superhero down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Short pass from the superhero to Batman, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Good ball from the superhero to Captain America, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Wall pass between the military personnel and Groot, the combination is crystal clear. That is exactly why he plays there.

And that's a goal! Dakar Teranga FC extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

'I told you so' mode. Hulk eyeballs the Dakar Teranga FC bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Groot pulls Hulk away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Horizontal possession, never a ball that breaks the lines. Wally West slips Spider-Man in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. The superhero lays it off first time to Wally West, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Wally West puts the ball right into the path of The Homelander, played to the inch, the space is found.

Hulk goes long for Captain America, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Crossfield pass from Captain America to Spider-Man, fifty yards of pure precision, drops right into the feet. Spider-Man goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags.

Level. Groot picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Wally West waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many coat hooks are needed to sustain a marriage?'. The answer was of course a minimum of six, studies from the University of Barnsley confirm this. Gerald wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-1 (W)

Breakaway at full throttle, the centre-backs are hopelessly out of position. GOOOOOAL for Spider-Man! On the genius pass from Captain America, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Three-man routine: Spider-Man, Batman and Hulk do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Royal interception from Batman! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Blistering solo run from Batman, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. What composure from Batman! On the pass from Walter White, he does not rush and places his shot to the millimetre. GOAL!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Batman is at the centre, lifted up by Groot and Hulk, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Douala Makossa-Corner's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Spider-Man gives it to The Homelander, sprints, asks for it back, and gets it. The classic one-two but absolutely lethal. Spider-Man puts Walter White into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. The assistant flags Walter White offside, it's a matter of inches! Batman kicks the turf in frustration. The scientist finds Walter White with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Walter White springs up and wins the duel in the air against the towering forward. Timing and leap make all the difference.

The player puts in a pinpoint corner but nobody hits the target. In that position, it is maddening to see your deliveries go to waste like that. The superhero launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Raking ball from the chemist to Spider-Man, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

What a mess! Douala Makossa-Corner capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Hulk sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Batman snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Hulk waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Tony Stark is FaceTiming {his} mum to tell her about the goal. The gaffer walks past: "Tell her she raised a good one." The dressing room cracks up. Batman leans in and waves at the camera. It is all smiles and good vibes in here. The kind of halftime where you do not want to change a thing. Here's one that'll make you smile — Hulk spent three hundred quid at a Blackpool arcade trying to win a stuffed monkey from a claw machine. Didn't get it. Went back the next day with another fifty. Still didn't get it. He's 28 and absolutely committed. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 9911 and answer this question: 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Walter White is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed. Through ball from the superhero for Wally West, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. OHHH what a strike from Wally West! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. The corner from Wally West is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it.

Walter White delivers the corner and it's CARNAGE! The ball won't leave the box, defense finally gets rid! The superhero boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Lovely on the eye but completely sterile, no penetration at all.

Hulk sparks the transition with a quick throw to Captain America, the break is lightning fast. Long ball from Captain America to The Homelander, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. The Homelander lays it off first time to Groot, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. The player bamboozles his opponent with a feint. That kind of skill in that position completely changes the face of a match.

Full-pitch press, the centre-back panics and boots it into touch. Batman looks for Walter White but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in. The military personnel produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. The military personnel sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. WHAT A SHAME for Captain America! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Groot sees what nobody else sees and puts Tony Stark through on goal with a genius through ball. Tony Stark is flagged offside but it's INCREDIBLY tight! Galactus's pass deserved better than that. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Short pass from the superhero to Batman, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Groot lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Foul by the superhero, pulls the opponent back. In that role you learn quickly when a tactical foul is worth it. Batman is booked for pulling the opponent back when he was away on goal.

It's over and we've won it! The Homelander grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Spider-Man pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many custard creams can a standard British sigh carry?'. The answer was of course up to nine, though anything past six risks structural sigh failure. Nigel wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And finally, your bedtime viewing: 'Countryfile, but filmed entirely in a Tesco car park in Basingstoke.' Adam Henson pets a shopping trolley. It's surprisingly moving. Goodnight.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Wally West shifts it to Spider-Man with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. The superhero beats the defender with a sharp turn. It is rare to see a player in that position with that kind of pure skill. Curled effort from Spider-Man on the pass from The Homelander, the ball nestles in the corner, the keeper is beaten.

Wally West runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Hulk tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

One laser pass from The Homelander and the entire defence is eliminated, Wally West is through on goal. The space is enormous. The superhero has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. The military personnel catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline.

Walter White pretends to strike and lays it off to Groot, well worked short free kick. Short build-up from Groot to Galactus, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Galactus lofts a cross into the box, Captain America is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Reflex save from the scientist! When your keeper makes that kind of stop, you want to win the match for him.

Groot with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on! Groot launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out.

Shoulder charge from Spider-Man on the opponent, just a bit too forceful for the ref's liking. Free kick from Spider-Man is completely off target, the ball curls away from the post. Disappointing.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Wally West stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." A source close to the squad tells us that Groot has an encyclopaedic knowledge of every item on the Greggs menu. He can recite prices, calorie counts, and seasonal specials. At 180, he's basically a walking Greggs database. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 6060 and answer this question: 'In which county is it illegal to whistle at cheese?' Tony Stark is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Tidy restart from Hulk along the deck to Spider-Man, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. The superhero plays it simple to Galactus, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The player finds Wally West along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Wally West slides in but gets the man before the ball. Free kick, no complaints. Wally West puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Galactus comes steaming in.

Great vision from The Homelander who switches to Tony Stark. The defence pivots, but they are too late. The superhero gives it straight to the opposition. That sort of waste is not forgiven at his level. Sonic the Hedgehog produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. The player switches the play to Groot, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Groot looks up and swings in a floated cross, Batman rises among the defenders.

Hulk sends an absolute rocket towards Walter White, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. Walter White drops a lofted ball to Tony Stark, it sails over the entire midfield line. Tony Stark plays the simple ball to Galactus, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Overlap and cross from Galactus, the ball drops at the feet of Groot in the heart of the box.

They've scored! Lagos No-Carry-Last find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Hulk points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Captain America comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

They push up as a unit, the opposition can't string two passes together. The chemist wins the ball back high up after a ferocious press. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: intensity and sacrifice. The chemist lets fly and it's on target! Keeper pushes it for a corner. In that position, having the courage to pull the trigger is what sets you apart.

Batman feeds The Homelander in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. The Homelander tries his luck and BOOOOM it flies... wide. Brushed the post though, nearly had it. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. Monumental ball from Tony Stark to Spider-Man, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet.

Draw. Tony Stark sighs into the mixed-zone microphone: "A point's better than nothing, but we wanted more." Batman waits his turn, water bottle in hand. Answers are short tonight. Everyone just wants to move on. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which county is it illegal to whistle at cheese?'. The answer was of course Shropshire, where the Cheddar Protection Act of 1903 remains in force. Geraldine wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-3 (L)

Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Incredible solo charge from the chemist, he goes coast to coast with the ball. When a player in that role starts running like that, it is chaos for the opposition. GOOOOOAL! Walter White places it inside the post from the cross by Tony Stark, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Walter White runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Sonic the Hedgehog gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

The superhero does not let up and rips the ball from the opposition's feet. In that position, that kind of high defensive work is worth as much as an assist. The superhero devours the pitch on his own. That kind of surging run from that position can change the course of a match. The Homelander onto the pass from Walter White, he spots the keeper off his line and lobs him! GOAL! A finish of outrageous ELEGANCE, the ball clears the gloves and drops in!

Dead defender. The Homelander mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Batman completes the choreography by collapsing. Hulk arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

What selflessness from Batman! Tracks all the way back from the opposition box to make a tackle in his own area. Tactical foul by Batman, he wraps his arms around the opponent and stops the break dead. The ref reaches for his pocket. Batman is booked for deliberately hauling down the attacker on the break. Another yellow for Batman and that's his lot. Red card, he's off the pitch. The free kick from Batman is superb, it picks out Galactus unmarked in the box.

One touch football: Batman to Wally West, faster than the opposition can think. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Switch from Galactus! The ball arcs over the midfield and Captain America collects it on the other side. Stretching the play.

Massive clearance from the superhero under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. Little shift from The Homelander to Captain America, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up.

Hulk cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" A delightful revelation — Groot panic-bought seventeen tins of baked beans during a supermarket scare and still hasn't got through them. His cupboard is essentially a Heinz warehouse. The man is 28 and fully prepared for any future bean-related emergency. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5566 and answer this question: 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Walter White takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

Oh it's gone in! Barranquilla Toque-Toque find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Free kick from Sonic the Hedgehog, he puts a whipped ball into the box and Batman is onto it! Batman thumps his header on the delivery from Spider-Man but it sails over.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Solidarity move: Hulk grabs Tony Stark who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Tony Stark a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Hulk sticks out a GIANT'S LEG! The ball ricochets and goes for a corner. The keeper is IMPASSABLE. The scientist goes long for Walter White, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

They've turned defence into attack in one touch, that's vintage stuff. JUST WIIIIIDE from Walter White! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches. Hulk hoofs it forward towards Captain America, clearance mode, no time to mess about. It falls apart for Captain America, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

The player lays it off first time to Groot, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Groot puts Captain America in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. Captain America floats a ball towards Spider-Man but it is too short, the opponent picks it off without breaking a sweat. Classy interception from Walter White, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

GOAL! Barranquilla Toque-Toque find the net! Our keeper had no chance, thunderbolt of a strike.

Hulk takes his time and plays it short to Sonic the Hedgehog. The press is on but the keeper does not flinch. The player positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Quick one-two between Sonic the Hedgehog and Captain America, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Captain America finds Wally West between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

It's done. Barranquilla Toque-Toque win, we lose, the table doesn't lie. Galactus and Groot walk out together, bags over shoulders, eyes on the floor. The security guard holds the door and says nothing. Outside, it's started raining. Of course it has. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?'. The answer was of course 'I can no longer work in these conditions, the tourists are unbearable and Nelson never says thank you'. Reginald wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-3 (L)

Lightning overlap from The Homelander, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Pull-back from the superhero for Tony Stark in the area. The bare minimum at that level, but delivered with perfect timing. The superhero places his shot to perfection on the cross from Spider-Man, GOOOOAL! In that position, that finesse in the foot is pure gold.

Oh no, Montevideo Garra-Charrúa have scored from the spot! Cool as you like into the corner.

Knee slide from Hulk right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Spider-Man does the same down the line. Hulk turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

Constant harassment, the opposition is always a yard off the pace. Groot barges into the opponent off the ball. Free kick awarded. The player sends his free kick into the stands. In that position, when you are on dead ball duty, you need to at least make the keeper work.

Groot switches the play to The Homelander on the far side, superb crossfield ball! The superhero gets to the byline and floats one in for Spider-Man. Crossing is his bread and butter. Aerial claim from the scientist, ball in the gloves. When your keeper comes out like that, you know you can defend high without fear. Driven kick from Hulk to Galactus, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield.

Hulk distributes short to Spider-Man, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. The superhero opens up to Sonic the Hedgehog on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver. Sonic the Hedgehog dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Lifesaving clearance from Sonic the Hedgehog! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. Short restart from the scientist to Wally West, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player.

The boss slams the door shut and leans against it. Nobody leaves until he says so. "Look at your faces. You are beaten already and there are still forty-five minutes on the clock. Spider-Man, lift your head up. Walter White, stop sulking. We are footballers, not victims. Now act like it." Now here's a proper one — Batman was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 180, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 5050 and answer this question: 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?' And the second half is go! Sonic the Hedgehog charges forward from kick-off like a man possessed. The gaffer watches from the technical area, arms folded. Let us see what happens.

Galactus with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! The player cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for The Homelander. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. The superhero is flagged offside by a whisker on Galactus's ball, agonising decision.

The superhero embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional. Horrific challenge from Tony Stark! He's absolutely clattered the attacker. That's a booking all day long. The superhero picks up a caution for a high boot. He needs to keep his discipline from that spot. The superhero sees his free kick stopped by the wall! In that position, the wall is a CLASSIC obstacle, you have to keep trying.

Disaster! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Hulk fires it out quickly by hand to Wally West, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Lay-off from Wally West to Sonic the Hedgehog, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Sonic the Hedgehog picks out Batman with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

GOAAAL! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Solidarity move: Hulk grabs Wally West who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Wally West a standing ovation right through to the restart.

We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. It's all going one way, the pressure is relentless. The player bends the ball into the box for Groot. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games.

Quick combination between Galactus and The Homelander, give and go, the defender did not see it coming. The player accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. Galactus wants to beat his man but it is him who gets beaten. The defender recovers. The player reads the pass and intercepts cleanly. When you have that reading ability in that position, you snuff out attacks before they even begin.

The scientist throws it out to Batman, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Overlap from Batman with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The superhero trips the opponent to halt the break. Comes with the territory in that position, sometimes you just have to foul. Batman sees yellow for persistent infringement. The referee had been far too lenient.

That's that, then. Hulk trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Walter White hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?'. The answer was of course seven and a half, but only on formal occasions. Doreen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-3 (L)

GOAAAL for Buenos Aires Pecho Frío! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Hulk sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Batman photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Classic from the superhero, cynical foul to kill the break. It's bred into that position. Yellow card for The Homelander, he clipped the heels of the attacker in full stride. Pure gamesmanship. The Homelander curls his free kick, the wall jumps but the ball goes past, the keeper is stunned!

The Homelander stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Galactus follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Hulk plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

Lovely anticipation from the superhero who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Wally West anticipates the run from Batman and fires a low missile in behind the defence. Perfect connection. GOOOOOAL! Batman was THERE where he needed to be, he toes the ball into the empty net. What a fox!

Wally West spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Groot gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

It was bound to happen. Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score and honestly, we deserved that.

Tony Stark goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Tony Stark just won it. Rapid turnover and they're bearing down on goal, heart-in-mouth stuff. Spider-Man takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. Wally West grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Galactus is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. Galactus holds the dressing room record for keeping a Fruit Pastille in the mouth without chewing for 47 minutes. At 28, the achievement is engraved on a plaque above the physio's door. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 5050 and answer this question: 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Batman is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Clearance from the scientist towards Galactus, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too. Galactus pings a long diagonal to Tony Stark, completely shifts the point of attack. Tony Stark gives it to Batman into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision.

Stunning tackle by Groot in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Massive clearance from the player under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Header lost by Spider-Man, the opponent was just too strong. OHHH the header from the player goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision.

The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. Captain America looks up and launches a long pass towards Tony Stark. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible.

It's there! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío hit the back of the net. Our goalkeeper was rooted to the spot.

Corner from the superhero and it's CHAOS in the box! In that role, creating havoc from set pieces is absolutely vital. Groot absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent.

Galactus goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Galactus sends an aerial beauty to Batman, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Groot shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Spider-Man is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Doreen from Doncaster, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many sugars does the Queen's corgi take in its tea?'. The answer was of course seven and a half, but only on formal occasions. Doreen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-3 (L)

Tony Stark dives in with the slide tackle but the attacker hops over it and carries on running. PENALTY awarded! Spider-Man enters the box with the ball and the defender catches him with a late tackle. The referee is CERTAIN. Every heart in the stadium is RACING! GOOOOAL from Spider-Man! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

'I told you so' mode. Tony Stark eyeballs the Rio Malandro FC bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Sonic the Hedgehog pulls Tony Stark away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

GOAL! Rio Malandro FC strike! Their attacker has ghosted past everyone. Too easy.

Final knee slide with controlled drift. Hulk ends up against the hoardings in a fallen angel pose. Batman leaps over him. Hulk walks over, shakes his head like an exasperated dad. Stadium oscillating. Pure madness.

Batman reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Turnover and they're off to the races, a proper counter-punch. GOOOAL! Tony Stark sends a SUMPTUOUS lob over the goalkeeper! The ball makes a perfect parabola and drops into the goal. Technical MASTERPIECE!

Batman dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Captain America can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Hulk claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

Far too slow, the opposition has time to set up ten times over. Spider-Man shoots... and the fans in the back row get a souvenir. That's very far away. Hulk catapults the ball towards Tony Stark from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot.

And it's in! Rio Malandro FC take advantage of a dreadful mix-up at the back.

Hulk scans the family section, finds them, blows kisses with both hands. His kids are crying on their mum's shoulder. Captain America is already there for the instagram shot. Scenes that make you remember why you fell for this game.

The boss slams the door shut and leans against it. Nobody leaves until he says so. "Look at your faces. You are beaten already and there are still forty-five minutes on the clock. Batman, lift your head up. Wally West, stop sulking. We are footballers, not victims. Now act like it." Walter White reportedly cannot fall asleep without listening to the Shipping Forecast on Radio 4. The 68-year-old claims Viking, North Utsire brings inner peace — teammates call it absolutely mental. And now, our TV game show The Masked Commuter! To win a monthly Oyster card and a disapproving stare, text 0800TUBE and answer: 'What is the correct facial expression when someone sits next to you on an empty train?' Second half underway and Walter White is straight into it, pressing high from the first whistle. No easing into this one. Straight for the jugular.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. POST for the superhero! In that position, a strike like that is pure gold, but the woodwork said no. Cruel. Hulk plays out from the back with Batman, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves.

Line-breaking pass from Spider-Man! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Sonic the Hedgehog picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Offside given against Sonic the Hedgehog but that is desperately close, Batman is absolutely fuming! Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. Short pass from the superhero to The Homelander, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level.

Superb diagonal from the chemist to Tony Stark, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. It is not happening for Tony Stark, the pass to Walter White is weak, half-hearted, and the opponent pounces. Groot senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Groot fires the ball over to Spider-Man with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book.

That's a leg-breaker from Walter White! He's come in like a freight train on the attacker. We wait, and we wait some more. VAR is dissecting every frame. The decision is coming. The video review is conclusive: Walter White deserves red, he's off! Walter White walks! Straight red for a tackle that belongs in a boxing ring, not a football pitch. Dangerous delivery from the chemist on the free kick! In that position, knowing where to put the ball in the box is an asset that is worth its weight in gold.

GOAL for Rio Malandro FC! You can't defend like that and expect to get away with it.

Hulk kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Groot takes a knee behind him. Hulk raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Tony Stark rolls it to Sonic the Hedgehog, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. Smart pass from Sonic the Hedgehog into the hole for Groot, not to feet, into the run. That is proper football. Groot crosses from the wing, the ball flies across the box like a missile and Spider-Man is there to meet it. SCRAMBLE after the superhero's corner! In that role, putting the ball in the right area from corners makes all the difference.

Raking ball from the superhero to Tony Stark, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job. The superhero roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Quick exchange between Tony Stark and Spider-Man, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Spider-Man plays it simple to Sonic the Hedgehog, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The player plays the one-two with Galactus and finds himself through. When you have got that understanding on the pitch, you cause havoc.

Free kick crossed in by the superhero into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. The superhero thumps his header wide of the post. In that position, chances like that do not come around often, shame about the accuracy. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways.

Final whistle, final nail. Spider-Man pulls his shirt over his face and walks blind toward the tunnel. Tony Stark gently steers him past a camera crew. Some moments don't need broadcasting. The fans drift away in ones and twos, collars up, hands in pockets. Simon from Woking says the correct expression is existential despair masked by looking at your phone. Oyster card for Simon! Next up: 'Motorway Cops: The M25 at 5pm on a Friday.' Four hours of footage. Nobody moves. Narrator falls asleep. BAFTA-nominated.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-2 (L)

It's there! Istanbul Cehennem FK tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Hulk climbs onto The Homelander's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Hulk circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Spider-Man swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. Lightning recovery and attack, they're running riot on the break. Captain America does the striker's job! On the loose ball from Sonic the Hedgehog, he stabs with the tip of his boot, GOAL!

Solidarity move: Spider-Man grabs Galactus who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Galactus a standing ovation right through to the restart.

Killer ball from Batman through the gap! Sonic the Hedgehog bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Oh my word Sonic the Hedgehog fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze. Hulk finds Sonic the Hedgehog with a long kick, the ball sails over the midfield and lands right on the money. Sonic the Hedgehog keeps it short to Batman, no frills, just good football intelligence. Batman sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery.

The chemist plays it simple to Tony Stark, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Nutmeg from the superhero on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. The superhero finds Wally West along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Wally West slides the ball across the ground in the box, The Homelander arrives for the finish. Strong hand from Hulk on that missile! Corner. The keeper has stopped absolutely everything.

They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. With one swing of the boot, Tony Stark finds Spider-Man on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Spider-Man gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Batman. Hulk comes off his line and claims the high ball. The fans love it, that is proper authority.

The gaffer boots the door open and launches a water bottle across the dressing room. It explodes against the far wall and nobody flinches because they all know they deserve it. "What the bloody hell was that?!" he roars. Hulk stares at the floor. Sonic the Hedgehog cannot even look up. Absolute shambles. We're hearing that Galactus spent his entire signing bonus on a ride-on lawnmower. Doesn't even have a garden — he lives in a flat. But the lad is 28, he's got a mower, and he says he's 'planning ahead.' Absolute scenes. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5566 and answer this question: 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?' The referee blows the whistle and the second half kicks off. Walter White takes the ball immediately and drives forward. No messing about.

GOAL! Istanbul Cehennem FK have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

Hulk fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Walter White plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

The ball from Tony Stark rips through the defensive curtain, Walter White is flying into the space like an arrow. Flag up! Walter White was beyond the last man when Groot released the pass. Hulk launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Tony Stark after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Tony Stark with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet!

Lovely anticipation from the player who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Quick transition, three touches and they're through on goal, but the finish lets them down. Shot from Sonic the Hedgehog, it's wide! Flirted with the post, missing by millimetres.

Captain America rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to The Homelander. The far side is completely deserted. Aerial duel won by the superhero, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box. Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. SHOOOOOOT from Walter White! It's whistling towards goal but the keeper beats it away. Strong hands!

Ball won, three passes, one shot, that's top-drawer transitional football. Tony Stark charges down the right flank, the full-back tries to follow but it is impossible. The superhero finds The Homelander along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

The superhero goes to ground but the attacker just breezes past. In that position, you've got to stay on your feet longer before committing. Hulk stretches backwards and tips the ball over the frame! What a superhuman reflex! The corner from Groot is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger.

Superb diagonal from the player to Batman, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Batman bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Groot wins the aerial battle. Cross from Groot too hard, too long, the keeper barely has to bend down to collect. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

Loss against Istanbul Cehennem FK and it stings. Galactus still goes over to the travelling fans, hand on heart, mouthing "sorry" through the drizzle. Batman follows. The away end responds with a round of applause that almost makes it worse. These fans deserve better. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Reginald Flump, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What did the last pigeon to leave Trafalgar Square write in its resignation letter?'. The answer was of course 'I can no longer work in these conditions, the tourists are unbearable and Nelson never says thank you'. Reginald wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-2 (L)

Decisive interception from the player, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Galactus takes a run-up and FIIIRES from distance! It is an unstoppable rocket, the keeper had no chance, GOAL!

Knee slide for twenty yards, Galactus arms outstretched like a crucifix, face buried in the wet turf. Wally West slides in alongside, they both crash into the hoardings. Wonderwall starts up from the stands, fifty thousand voices, goosebumps territory.

Corner from Walter White, Wally West heads it but it sails over the crossbar. Frustrating! The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Sonic the Hedgehog to Captain America, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf.

Clearance from Galactus under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Spider-Man blocks the run of the opponent, uses the body well but the ref says no. Spider-Man goes into the book for a disgraceful challenge. Lucky it's only yellow.

Oh dear, Milano Piano-Piano have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Three-man routine: Hulk, Spider-Man and Hulk do the conga down the touchline, mimicking they're pulling a giant imaginary rope. The Kop copies the move, fifty thousand imaginary ropes in the air simultaneously. Surreal and hilarious.

Good ball from the player to Groot, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Groot spreads it to Wally West, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Wally West drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Walter White read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Overlap from the chemist with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

Galactus cannot even look at {his} teammates. {he} knows the mistake was {his}. The gaffer knows it too but does not single {him} out. Instead he addresses the room: "We win as a team, we lose as a team. Right now we are losing. So what are we going to do about it? Sit here and sulk, or go out there and fight?" Word from the training ground is that Groot brings a flask of tea to every away match. Not any tea — it has to be Yorkshire Tea, two sugars, brewed for exactly four minutes. He's 180 tall and will not compromise on brew time. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' Whistle. Ball. Movement. Batman is on it from the very first second, demanding the pass, pointing, shouting. The longest forty-five minutes of the evening start now.

The superhero finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Tony Stark clean through. Pure genius from that position. Goal disallowed for the superhero! Offside from Batman's ball. Playing in that role, you've got to hold your run better than that. The referee raises his finger, listening to VAR. Time has stopped inside this ground. VAR backs the player's goal! At that position, you savour every one of these moments.

He shapes up, he shoots... WHAT A HIT from Tony Stark! On target but the keeper palms it onto the bar! Penalty given! The defender handles Tony Stark's shot in the box. His arm was in a completely unnatural position. The Homelander's penalty flies over the bar! He's completely missed the target, it's a tragedy.

It's a goal! Milano Piano-Piano go ahead! The ball was drilled low and hard into the corner.

Groot spreads the play and finds Sonic the Hedgehog in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Powerful run from Sonic the Hedgehog down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Chipped cross from Sonic the Hedgehog over the defence, Tony Stark is underneath it. That is a killer ball. The scientist gathers the ball in his zone. In that position, knowing how to come out and claim a cross is as valuable as a reflex save. The scientist goes long for The Homelander, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory.

80% of the ball and still 0-0, says it all really. The Homelander opens up to Tony Stark on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Pinpoint delivery from the superhero towards Spider-Man, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. The scientist climbs and gathers the cross with both hands. In that position, that authority is what makes the difference in the big matches.

The scientist goes long for Captain America, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Captain America crushes it in the air, he wins the header with incredible power. The opponent was left flat-footed. Captain America burns past his man with a sudden burst of acceleration, the defender is left standing.

Gutting. Hulk throws his gloves at the bench in frustration. Sonic the Hedgehog picks them up quietly and puts them in the bag. The gaffer waits for everyone to sit down before speaking. His voice is calm but his eyes tell a different story. Long coach ride home. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

1-2 (L)

Change of flanks from Captain America, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Sonic the Hedgehog. Sonic the Hedgehog delivers from the byline, Walter White is on the penalty spot, ready to finish. OG from the chemist! Oh the poor lad! In that position, you know that one bad touch can be fatal, and that is exactly what happens here. The ball deflects into his own goal, this is TRAGIC.

Captain America sprints to the dugout, hugs the physio, then the doc, then finally the gaffer who pretends to push him off but squeezes him anyway. Groot photobombs behind with a perfect grimace. Picture of the season, right there.

Superb tackle from the superhero, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. SO CLOSE! Sonic the Hedgehog sends a rocket that kisses the post on its way out. A fraction more and that's in. The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

GOAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! A looping header from their attacker, our keeper was stranded.

Hulk runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Hulk tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Groot anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Groot sets it for Batman, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Feint from Batman, he shifts his body right and goes left. The defender is bamboozled. Cross from Batman off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Spider-Man at the far side. The superhero heads it but it goes over. In that position you have got to hit the target, but the intent was spot on.

Superb tackle from the superhero, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Batman delivers a tidy ball to The Homelander, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Devastating burst of pace from The Homelander, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Smooth transition from The Homelander to Walter White, no delay, the game keeps flowing.

Tea cups everywhere. The gaffer has launched the lot. There is PG Tips running down the wall and broken ceramic on the floor. "That," he says, pointing at the mess, "is what our defensive shape looks like right now. An absolute disaster." Wally West stares at the carnage. Walter White swallows hard. Nobody disagrees. Now Galactus — bless him — once showed up to pre-season training with a sunburn so severe he looked like a Drumstick lolly. Spent one afternoon in Margate without suncream. At 180, there's a lot of surface area to burn, in fairness. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5577 and answer this question: 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?' The gaffer gives Galactus one last word on the touchline before the restart. A pat on the back, a nod, and Galactus runs out onto the pitch with renewed purpose.

High recovery from Walter White, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Sharp turn from Walter White, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. Rapid combination: Walter White to The Homelander, the ball barely touches the grass between them.

GOAL for Sevilla Olé-Olé! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

Hulk slides onto his belly right in front of a pitchside photographer and gives him a thumbs up. The bloke takes the most cinematic photo of his career. Spider-Man photobombs from behind. Front pages tomorrow.

Wally West sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Spider-Man. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. Good delivery from Spider-Man off the left flank, Sonic the Hedgehog positions himself between the two centre-halves. The cross from Sonic the Hedgehog is cut out cleanly by an alert defender. The defence has stood up. Monster clearance from Groot! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

The block holds firm, opposition pushes but it's all in vain. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. Effort from Walter White, just wide but it was close. The keeper was beaten, just the post in the way. Long kick from Hulk, The Homelander positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. The Homelander puts it right into the feet of Walter White, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Free kick from Walter White, lovely delivery and Groot rises above the defence. Header from Groot, it grazes the bar but goes over! So close to goal, so far from the target. Hulk plays it short to Walter White, building out from the back. Calculated risk.

Good ball from the superhero to Groot, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Magnificent shift from Groot! Walter White picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. The linesman's flag goes up for Walter White, offside by centimetres! Wally West wanted that one badly. Play has stopped, the referee is heading to the pitchside screen. This could change everything. Offside flagged by VAR! The Homelander's celebration is cut short!

Sonic the Hedgehog lays it off to Spider-Man from the free kick, little one-two to get around the wall. Strike from Spider-Man that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal. The ball goes from side to side but there's no end product whatsoever. That is miles high from The Homelander! The ball disappears into the sky, absolutely nowhere near.

A loss that will linger. Sonic the Hedgehog drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. Hulk texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Geraldine Puddleworth, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How wide is a standard British sense of awkwardness?'. The answer was of course approximately the width of a bus shelter, expanding to cathedral size when someone waves at you and you wave back but they were waving at someone else. Geraldine wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Next on your screen: 'The Repair Shop, but it's just a bloke trying to fix the office printer.' He will fail. He will call IT. IT will tell him to turn it off and on again. Art.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

The Homelander drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like. The superhero is fouled in the box, PENALTY! In that position, winning a penalty is a DEADLY weapon. The referee points to the spot, the tension is ELECTRIC. The Homelander takes responsibility and converts the penalty. Angled strike, the keeper is HUMILIATED. GOAL!

Short restart from Hulk to Batman, building from the back nice and tidy. Aerial duel won by Batman, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Batman hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust.

Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. Walter White pings a ridiculous diagonal to Sonic the Hedgehog. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Sonic the Hedgehog is beaten in the air, the opponent came back down with the ball while Sonic the Hedgehog was barely on his way up.

Big strike from the military personnel, on target but saved. In that role, when you've got that kind of foot on you, you're dangerous at all times. The cameras roll, VAR zooms in, the referee hesitates. This is excruciating. Spectacular turnaround! VAR calls a penalty on the challenge on Captain America! Penalty missed by Wally West! The goalkeeper dives to his left and blocks the shot. HUGE save! The scientist finds Batman with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops.

The pressure is building and building, the opposition can't get out of their half. Cross from Spider-Man, he puts it on the far post for Captain America. Duel lost by Captain America, he was jostled in the air and could not get a touch on the ball.

The physio works on Spider-Man's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Spider-Man, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Galactus, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Groot once bumped into David Attenborough at a Tesco Express and panicked so badly the 28-year-old dropped an entire basket of Pot Noodles. Sir David apparently whispered 'fascinating specimen.' And now, our TV game show Bargain Blitz! To win a lifetime supply of Marmite, text 0800TOAST and answer: 'How many jars of Marmite does it take to fill the Channel Tunnel?' The PA announces the restart and the stadium comes alive. Batman is already in position, feet planted, shoulders square. Locked and loaded.

The player starts a one-two with Tony Stark, give and go. In that position it is the basics, but he does it with outrageous class. Galactus beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely. Good ball from the player to Captain America, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Captain America overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly.

Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Groot slides it to Captain America, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Unbelievable! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Hulk is at the centre, lifted up by Groot and Hulk, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. München Ordnung-Muss-Sein's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Massive clearance from the player under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible. Wally West wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination. Wally West picks out Spider-Man with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice.

The free kick from Sonic the Hedgehog is sent to the near post, Spider-Man rushes in to meet it. Hulk comes out to the penalty spot and grabs the ball. Aerial command, all under control. Groot finds Tony Stark between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Tony Stark opens up the space for The Homelander with a ground pass, the ball arrives perfectly in stride. Offside by a toenail for the superhero, Batman can't believe the flag went up.

Spider-Man nudges the ball tiny distances, no progress at all. Spider-Man sees yellow for dissent. Followed the ref thirty yards to complain. Ridiculous. The superhero puts a pinpoint free kick into the box. In that position, that precision from set pieces is what makes the difference in the big games. Header from Wally West on the perfect cross from The Homelander, it fliiies but it is over the bar!

1-1 and off we go. Walter White hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Hulk does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. Mrs. Brenda Thistlethwaite from Wolverhampton says forty-seven thousand, and frankly we couldn't be bothered to check, so she wins the Marmite! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-2 (L)

The Homelander powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. The superhero sets up Walter White with a pull-back inside the eighteen. When you have got that footballing brain, you change matches. GOOOOAL for Walter White! He plays The Homelander in, gets it back and places his shot to the keeper's wrong side!

It's hit the back of the net! London Three-Pints lead and we look completely lost.

Dead defender. Hulk mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Wally West completes the choreography by collapsing. Hulk arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Lay-off from Galactus to Groot out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. GOOOOOAL for Groot! Curled left-footed effort, the ball describes a perfect arc and ends in the net!

Galactus hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! The chemist shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to The Homelander. Pure quality, as per usual. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Walter White weights his pass into the space for Captain America who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Captain America pulls it back along the ground for Batman, that is the perfect cut-back!

The superhero reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Three on one and they find a way to mess it all up, unbelievable. Spider-Man curls it and it's GOIIIIING... on target but the keeper dives and pushes it wide. What a save!

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at Walter White. "That is your job. 68 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. Walter White once got stuck in a climbing frame during a Year 6 school trip and the fire brigade had to cut the lad free. Now 180 and 68, the photos are still pinned to his mum's fridge. And now, our TV game show The Cube of Disappointment! To win a raffle ticket for a caravan in Skegness, text 3921 and answer: 'What is the average wind speed inside a British seaside caravan in August?' Right then, part two. The Homelander adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Batman shifts it to Sonic the Hedgehog with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Sonic the Hedgehog spots the run from The Homelander and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! The Homelander winds up and puts it into orbit, the fans behind the goal are having a good laugh.

Brilliant switch of play from Spider-Man! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Captain America. Captain America attempts a through ball but it is cut out halfway. Far too obvious. Batman throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. Transition play at its ruthless best, straight through the heart of the defence.

The scientist finds Wally West with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. Wally West accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides.

GOAL! London Three-Pints have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

'I told you so' mode. Hulk eyeballs the London Three-Pints bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Batman pulls Hulk away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Crucial intervention from the player, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. The player spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Captain America. That is exactly why he is out there. Hulk produces the perfect spread and blocks the strike at the feet! The attacker had nothing. The scientist throws it out to Captain America, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Diagonal from Captain America to Sonic the Hedgehog, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go.

Galactus reads the attempted through ball and intercepts in stride. The defence wanted to play it quick, but Galactus was quicker. Superb diagonal from the player to Walter White, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it. Header lost for Walter White, his opponent beat him to it and won the duel with authority. The scientist tips the strike around the post. In that position, when you have that level of reflexes, you are untouchable.

Spider-Man gives it to Batman who returns it first time, Spider-Man ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Wally West slides it through for Spider-Man, but the offside flag kills the move dead. Hulk smashes a volley towards Wally West, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Lovely use of the ball by Wally West, finding Sonic the Hedgehog in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Sonic the Hedgehog takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent.

Full time and it's level. Hulk stands in the centre circle with hands on hips, catching his breath. Wally West grabs the ball, tucks it under his arm, heads for the tunnel. Not a win, not a loss — just that strange empty feeling of giving everything for very little. Colin from Cleethorpes says the average is forty-seven miles per hour and that's inside the caravan. Raffle ticket is his! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.