My dream starting five â basketball_team đșđž
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Houston Blast-Off | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for Jon Jones! Picture this: standing at 192 cm, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Kylian Mbappé. An association football player in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles their football boots better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Kylian Mbappé has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the winning goal and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 â vs Detroit Engine-Roar
87-131 (L)
Jon Jones sets the tone early! The thai boxer came to play tonight!
The Undertaker fires away but the shot rims out! Defense that's basically a suggestion rears its ugly head!
The Undertaker spins into a dead end along the baseline! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Jon Jones beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the stunned opponent slipping from a thai boxer!
This respected competitor Aaron Hernandez gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Halftime whistle. Kylian Mbappé spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Exclusive: Kylian Mbappé was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Kylian Mbappé clanks another one off the rim! This global icon needs to find rhythm!
Kylian Mbappé is cramping up! This hall-of-fame lock trying to shake it off! Injury-prone body!
Stolen from The Undertaker! A professional wrestler who let it slip through their fingers!
Jon Jones stares in disbelief! The look of a thai boxer who just lost everything!
The Undertaker wipes a tear! A professional wrestler who poured everything into the effort!
The Undertaker sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Aaron Hernandez puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 2 â vs Miami Heart-Attack
96-122 (L)
Aaron Hernandez dishes onto the floor! The crowd roars for this established player!
Aaron Hernandez, this do-it-all player, bobbles the Wilson and the chance evaporates on the low block!
Jon Jones dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the thai boxer's finest moment!
Aaron Hernandez lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this solid pro fooled!
The Undertaker, this beanpole, takes over at the top of the key. A buzzer beater! That's elite!
Players head to the locker room. The Undertaker has tape on three fingers. They say The Undertaker eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Osama bin Laden, this beanpole, throws the hands up! Exasperated from the right corner!
Aaron Hernandez fires a half-court heave from way beyond the arc but can't connect! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
Kylian Mbappé overloads one side! Loading up with association football player strategy!
The Undertaker mops their face! Sweating more than when slamming the canvas ring!
Kylian Mbappé takes the loss hard! Hard as the winning goal on a bad association football player day!
Kylian Mbappé collapses into the first available chair. Osama bin Laden stays standing, eyes glazed over. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 3 â vs Orlando Magic-Beans
75-118 (L)
The floor welcomes The Undertaker! The professional wrestler with the canvas ring has arrived!
Kylian Mbappé forces a bad finger roll! This household name needs to trust teammates!
Aaron Hernandez with the backcourt violation! This well-respected player under too much pressure!
Jon Jones left in the dust! Even a thai boxer moves faster than that!
Kylian Mbappé buries their face! Hidden from view, the association football player can't watch!
Both teams head to the locker room. Osama bin Laden wipes his forehead with his jersey. Confession: Osama bin Laden believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Aaron Hernandez drives the Spalding but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
The Undertaker, this franchise guy, sucking wind after that sprint! The allotted time of battle!
The Undertaker with the careless pass! Slamming the canvas ring with more care, please!
The Undertaker drives the towel! This reliable star showing tendency to rush!
Aaron Hernandez, this next-level player, takes the loss hard. Ego the size of Texas at the wrong moments.
Osama bin Laden walks in slow motion, arms dangling. The Undertaker speeds up. Wants it to be over. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 4 â vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
83-128 (L)
Aaron Hernandez, this guy with a proven track record, embraces the incredible energy! Game on!
This player making noise Aaron Hernandez short-arms an off-balance shot from downtown! Not enough lift!
Jon Jones throws it into the stands! What was that from this dude putting the league on notice!
Jon Jones gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the stunned opponent on a rough day!
The Undertaker drops the head after another miss! Limited stamina sapping the confidence!
Halftime! Jon Jones has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Small detail: Jon Jones whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
A sky hook by Jon Jones in transition is way off! Tough night for this hooper's hooper!
Jon Jones calls for the sub! Even a thai boxer's stamina with their wrapped fists has limits!
The Undertaker trips up in the three-point line! A professional wrestler never trips at work... Right?
This basketball god Kylian Mbappé stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Osama bin Laden walks off in silence. This household name gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Aaron Hernandez slams his fist on the bench. Jon Jones places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 5 â vs Phoenix No-Defense
85-130 (L)
The Undertaker steps onto the gymnasium! From slamming the canvas ring to this, game time!
Osama bin Laden misses! Even a civil engineer can't fix that shot!
The Undertaker passes to nobody! This reliable star with a head-scratching decision!
This potential GOAT Osama bin Laden caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Aaron Hernandez storms to the bench! This hooper's hooper is visibly upset!
Halftime whistle. Jon Jones flops into the first available chair. Locker room anecdote: Jon Jones talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Jon Jones misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Jon Jones is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a thai boxer would call it quits!
Kylian Mbappé, this combo guard, gets stripped from the right corner! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
Aaron Hernandez fades away angrily after the turnover! This name that's buzzing spiraling!
The Undertaker spins past the media. This franchise guy not in the mood to talk.
Kylian Mbappé sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. The Undertaker winces. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 6 â vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
88-133 (L)
Aaron Hernandez, this swiss-army-knife type, takes the court! The Finals-like atmosphere is electric!
Jon Jones launches but overcooks it! Occasional mental lapses showing up again!
Aaron Hernandez coughs up the rock! Heavy feet strikes again in transition!
Aaron Hernandez gets posted up and scored on! This name that's buzzing overpowered!
Osama bin Laden slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a civil engineer hits the workbench!
Players head to the locker room. The Undertaker has tape on three fingers. Fun fact: The Undertaker is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Kylian Mbappé bobbles and misses! Fumbling the ball like it's a Monday morning!
Kylian Mbappé asks for the ball to slow the pace! This absolute legend needs air!
This legit talent Aaron Hernandez commits the offensive foul! Turnover from way beyond the arc!
Osama bin Laden penetrates and kicks the stanchion! This potential GOAT losing composure!
This first-ballot legend Kylian Mbappé tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Jon Jones shakes Osama bin Laden's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 7 â vs Toronto Border-Patrol
88-133 (L)
This well-respected player Jon Jones comes out firing! A bucket in the first minute!
The Undertaker misses in the dying seconds! A professional wrestler dropping the canvas ring at the worst time!
Kylian Mbappé double-dribbles! Scoring the winning goal doesn't have that rule!
This certified GOAT candidate Kylian Mbappé fouls reaching in! Tendency to rush on defense!
Aaron Hernandez, this guy with a proven track record, yells at the coaching staff! Sometimes predictable game causing friction!
Rest time. The Undertaker isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Anecdote: The Undertaker lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Kylian Mbappé misfires from the left corner! Even this first-ballot legend has off nights!
Kylian Mbappé, this combo guard, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Aaron Hernandez loses the basketball in traffic! This respected competitor can't afford that!
The Undertaker gets a technical for complaining! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
Kylian Mbappé, this franchise cornerstone, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Osama bin Laden refuses the coach's embrace. Jon Jones accepts it but his body is stiff. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 8 â vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
90-127 (L)
The Undertaker starts in the role player! Playing the role player the way a professional wrestler plays with the steel chair!
Jon Jones, this up-and-coming baller, pulls the trigger driving to the hoop but no luck!
Kylian Mbappé with the backcourt violation! An association football player going backwards with the winning goal!
Aaron Hernandez, this all-around player, fouls unnecessarily along the baseline! Ego the size of Texas!
The Undertaker looks to the heavens! A professional wrestler praying for the steel chair to work!
Halftime whistle! Osama bin Laden slides down against the hallway wall. Staff confession: Osama bin Laden is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Osama bin Laden crosses over the orange awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this undisputed superstar!
Kylian Mbappé steps back but the legs won't cooperate! Sometimes predictable game catching up!
Aaron Hernandez throws it away! Defense that's basically a suggestion under pressure facing the rim!
Jon Jones storms to the bench! Heated! This thai boxer doesn't handle losing well!
Aaron Hernandez, this smooth operator, hangs the head. Tough loss despite iron discipline effort.
Aaron Hernandez rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Jon Jones picks up his own and folds it carefully. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 9 â vs Houston Blast-Off
79-124 (L)
Osama bin Laden bounces the orange pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
That one wasn't even close, Jon Jones! Stick to devastating the stunned opponent!
Osama bin Laden explodes the rock right to the defense! Costly mistake by this once-in-a-lifetime player!
The Undertaker loses the screen battle! Limited stamina around the picks!
Jon Jones mouths off and picks up a T! Limited stamina taking over!
Halftime! Jon Jones is limping slightly heading off the court. Anecdote: Jon Jones once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Aaron Hernandez rushes a double-clutch layup in the paint! Tendency to rush creeping in!
Kylian Mbappé bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like an association football player after their football boots overtime!
This world-class player The Undertaker commits the 5-second violation! Clock management tendency to rush!
Osama bin Laden shakes their head! A civil engineer who can't believe that just happened!
Aaron Hernandez had the chances but couldn't convert. This dude putting the league on notice left wanting.
Jon Jones leaves the court at a jog. Osama bin Laden stays there, planted at center court, motionless. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 10 â vs Denver Horse-Track
81-125 (L)
This respected competitor Jon Jones comes out aggressive! Opens with a scoop layup on the low block!
Osama bin Laden misfires on the floater! Too much float, the civil engineer touch abandoned them!
Kylian Mbappé, this smooth operator, gets called for the carry! Lack of consistency in ball-handling!
Aaron Hernandez gets burned on the drive! Sometimes predictable game in lateral movement!
Kylian Mbappé fires away away from the huddle! This hall-of-fame lock in a dark place mentally!
Halftime. Aaron Hernandez is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. They say Aaron Hernandez eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
The Undertaker misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the canvas ring!
This hooper's hooper Aaron Hernandez has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Jon Jones throws it away! A pass worse than a thai boxer tossing the stunned opponent!
The Undertaker drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a professional wrestler's spirit has limits!
Jon Jones looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a thai boxer!
Kylian Mbappé taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. The Undertaker walks through the door without pushing it. Did you know that The Undertaker practices association football player on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 11 â vs New York Over-Timers
87-131 (L)
The Undertaker locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a professional wrestler who means business!
Kylian Mbappé forces up a reverse layup over the defense! Sometimes predictable game! Bad decision!
Jon Jones coughs it up! A thai boxer's grip doesn't work on the damn ball!
Jon Jones gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the stunned opponent behind their wrapped fists!
This household name Osama bin Laden shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Halftime. Kylian Mbappé glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Staff confession: Kylian Mbappé is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
This established player Jon Jones shanks a reverse layup on the low block! That's uncharacteristic!
Osama bin Laden barely gets back on defense! Moving like a civil engineer on a Friday afternoon!
This established player Aaron Hernandez dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Kylian Mbappé pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The association football player in them is showing!
Kylian Mbappé, this swiss-army-knife type, trudges off the gym. Lessons to take from this one.
Kylian Mbappé slams his fist on the bench. Osama bin Laden places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Did you know that Osama bin Laden practices association football player on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 12 â vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
76-120 (L)
Kylian Mbappé, this global icon, draws first blood! A sky hook to start!
Kylian Mbappé goes to work and fires but misses everything! Injury-prone body tonight!
Kylian Mbappé forces the pass! Forcing their football boots where it doesn't fit!
Aaron Hernandez turns the head and loses the man! This next-level player napping defensively!
This next-level player Aaron Hernandez hangs the head after the miss! Deflated in transition!
Halftime. Kylian Mbappé throws his towel on the floor walking in. Anecdote: Kylian Mbappé once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
The rim rejects Osama bin Laden! The rim says no! Even a civil engineer gets rejected sometimes!
Jon Jones, this player making noise, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
The Undertaker turns it over in the key! Butterfingers from this professional wrestler!
The Undertaker kicks the air! The frustration of a professional wrestler who knows they can do better!
The Undertaker shakes hands through the pain! A professional wrestler who respects the steel chair and the game!
Kylian Mbappé clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. The Undertaker fidgets with his wristband nervously. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 13 â vs Boston Ring-Chasers
89-134 (L)
The Undertaker posts up with energy from the opening whistle! This jersey-selling name locked in!
The Undertaker forces an and-one in transition! This elite player trying too hard!
Aaron Hernandez with the lazy pass! Tendency to force bad shots leading to easy points!
Osama bin Laden can't stay in front! Bridging the river gorge doesn't build lateral quickness!
The Undertaker slams the Wilson in frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
The locker room fills up. Kylian Mbappé has already eaten three oranges. Little secret: Kylian Mbappé listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Jon Jones fires and misses from the left corner. Should have stuck with the stunned opponent!
Jon Jones powers through! The thai boxer in them won't quit on the stunned opponent!
This certified GOAT candidate Osama bin Laden with turnover number buckets! Sometimes predictable game is piling up!
Osama bin Laden vents at their teammates! The civil engineer who vents about the river gorge!
Kylian Mbappé dunks to the tunnel in disappointment. This guy with rings on every finger will learn from this.
Osama bin Laden refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Aaron Hernandez watches it and immediately regrets it. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 14 â vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
77-122 (L)
Tip-off! Osama bin Laden gets us started! Let's go!
Kylian Mbappé misses the open look! An association football player never misses the winning goal... But misses the leather!
The Undertaker commits the live-ball turnover! The steel chair would be ashamed!
The Undertaker falls asleep on the weak side! Limited stamina exposed!
Aaron Hernandez, this next-level player, refuses to high-five! Ego the size of Texas hurting the chemistry!
Halftime. Jon Jones throws his towel on the floor walking in. Confession: Jon Jones calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
The Undertaker penetrates the pill right into the defender's hands! Heavy feet!
Aaron Hernandez crosses over a step slower than usual! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the tank!
The Undertaker with the errant pass! This reliable star needs to settle down!
The Undertaker picks up the second technical! This headliner ejected! Sometimes predictable game!
Osama bin Laden sits alone on the bench. This guy with rings on every finger processing the defeat.
Kylian Mbappé presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Osama bin Laden walks right past without noticing. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 15 â vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
79-123 (L)
Kylian Mbappé checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Osama bin Laden with the ugly miss! The civil engineer touch is absent tonight!
Jon Jones gets picked! A thai boxer getting the stunned opponent stolen in broad daylight!
The Undertaker watches them score! Just watching, like watching the steel chair gather dust!
This seasoned vet Jon Jones throws an elbow in frustration! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
Halftime. Jon Jones throws his towel on the floor walking in. Did you know? Jon Jones launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Aaron Hernandez attacks but it's well off! Limited stamina under fatigue!
Jon Jones labors up the court! Trudging like a thai boxer dragging the stunned opponent!
Jon Jones rises up into a trap! Sometimes predictable game when reading the defense!
This franchise guy The Undertaker slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
The Undertaker leaves the court with dignity! The dignity of a professional wrestler with the steel chair!
Jon Jones stares at the floor while Aaron Hernandez mutters something inaudible under his breath. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jon Jones.
Season journal
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