My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Luka Dončić. Standing at 201 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Thanos. The man is an amateur. Yes, you heard that right. An amateur. On a basketball court. With bare hands in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Thanos had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. Budget-wise, we're playing in "almost elite" territory. The owner reaches into his pockets without flinching, the GM has room to make moves, and the roster oozes competence. This is the team that can beat anyone in a seven-game series and scares the top seeds. The only problem? When you're chasing a title, "almost" is a damn dirty word. But tonight, we'll see if they can go from "almost" to "finally."
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
86-131 (L)
Giannis Antetokounmpo opens with a buzzer-beater! This world-class player making an early statement!
Hulk misses! Even a scientist can't fix that shot!
Hulk coughs up the rock! Defense that's basically a suggestion strikes again on the low block!
Jesus Christ loses the screen battle! Injury-prone body around the picks!
Giannis Antetokounmpo, this tree of a man, throws the hands up! Exasperated back to the basket!
Break! Luka Dončić has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Exclusive: Luka Dončić was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Jesus Christ fades away but overcooks it! Sometimes predictable game showing up again!
Giannis Antetokounmpo, this guy everybody knows, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Luka Dončić passes to nobody! This elite player with a head-scratching decision!
Giannis Antetokounmpo slams the damn ball in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Giannis Antetokounmpo reflects on what could have been. Defense that's basically a suggestion difference tonight.
Luka Dončić hurls his water bottle at the wall. Jesus Christ flinches but doesn't react. Behind the scenes, I learned Jesus Christ was also a messiah in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
102-120 (L)
Giannis Antetokounmpo spins into position! This top-tier talent not wasting any time!
Hulk rattles it out! Shaking the court with their lab notebook intensity!
This world-class player Giannis Antetokounmpo with turnover number lengths ahead! Defense that's basically a suggestion is piling up!
This bonafide star Giannis Antetokounmpo bites on the fake! Beaten from the right corner!
Hulk with the reverse layup! Creative as a scientist with the hidden truth!
Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Intel: Jesus Christ asked Miami Heart-Attack for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
This certified bucket Giannis Antetokounmpo gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
A hook shot by Jesus Christ from mid-range is way off! Tough night for this first-ballot legend!
Jesus Christ communicates the switch! Clear as a messiah's instructions!
Jesus Christ grabs the shorts! This absolute legend is running on fumes!
This reliable star Giannis Antetokounmpo congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this reliable star.
Giannis Antetokounmpo mutters 'damn' under his breath. Jesus Christ says 'yeah' in the same tone. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
108-114 (L)
Jesus Christ stretches center court! Loosening up, the messiah is getting ready!
Thanos dunks the orange but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Giannis Antetokounmpo with the lazy pass! Sometimes predictable game leading to easy points!
This dude out of nowhere Thanos gives up the offensive rebound! Defense that's basically a suggestion when boxing out!
Thanos dishes past the defense for a devastating dunk! Size advantage from this this do-it-all player!
Break! Hulk rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Did you know? Hulk launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
This top-tier talent Giannis Antetokounmpo can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Luka Dončić, this jersey-selling name, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Jesus Christ posts up the ball out of the trap! That dawg mentality under pressure!
Jesus Christ finds a second wind! The messiah engine roars back to life!
Jesus Christ vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Giannis Antetokounmpo's lip is trembling. Hulk dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
96-110 (L)
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, announced to huge cheers! Wild stands!
Giannis Antetokounmpo, this reliable star, sends the orange wide! The touch is off tonight!
This world-class player Giannis Antetokounmpo forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
This headliner Giannis Antetokounmpo commits the and-one foul! Heavy feet in positioning!
Luka Dončić, this franchise guy, absolutely nails a buzzer-beater from mid-range! Take a bow!
Break time. Thanos bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. True story: Thanos had his parking spot stolen by Philadelphia Injury-Report's mascot. Still talks about it. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Giannis Antetokounmpo, this max-contract guy, with the frustrated foul! Limited stamina in tough moments!
Luka Dončić with a wild attempt! This big-name player not finding the range tonight!
Thanos posts up to the right spot! A killer instinct off-ball movement!
Thanos drives a step slower than usual! Sometimes predictable game in the tank!
Thanos walks off in silence. This raw talent gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Jesus Christ mutters 'damn' under his breath. Luka Dončić says 'yeah' in the same tone. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
118-105 (W)
The game begins and Luka Dončić is ready! You can see a gym-rat work ethic written all over his face!
Giannis Antetokounmpo hits an and-one! Scary good handles proving to be the difference tonight!
Giannis Antetokounmpo forces the shot-clock violation! Insane court vision on full display!
Hulk crosses over and creates! Another assist along the baseline! Quarterback!
This unknown gem Thanos calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
The locker room fills up. Giannis Antetokounmpo has already eaten three oranges. Little scoop: Giannis Antetokounmpo logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
An alley-oop by Thanos! The crowd erupts! Pure God-given talent personified!
A Playoff atmosphere fills the arena! This all-time great Jesus Christ feeds off the energy!
Giannis Antetokounmpo sprints back on defense! This established star leading by example!
The transformation of Jesus Christ is complete! This first-ballot legend has arrived!
This bonafide star Giannis Antetokounmpo is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
Giannis Antetokounmpo hugs the mascot. Jesus Christ hugs the referee. Awkward. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
86-116 (L)
This headliner Giannis Antetokounmpo comes out aggressive! Opens with a bucket at the top of the key!
This franchise guy Giannis Antetokounmpo muscles up a double-clutch layup but can't get it to fall!
Stolen from Hulk! A scientist who let it slip through their fingers!
Hulk, this versatile guy, gets dunked on along the baseline! Poster material!
A euro-step from Thanos! Another dagger! This hidden prospect closing the door!
Break! Thanos heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Rumor has it Thanos talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Giannis Antetokounmpo drives and kicks the stanchion! This multi-time All-Star losing composure!
A scoop layup attempt by Luka Dončić falls short! Heavy feet in the legs!
This basketball god Hulk with the savvy veteran play! Scary good handles experience showing!
Luka Dončić dribbles but the legs won't cooperate! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
Hulk leaves the hardwood quietly! Quiet as a scientist after the hidden truth setback!
Giannis Antetokounmpo takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Thanos follows the same path. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
92-106 (L)
This big-name player Luka Dončić comes out firing! A step-back three in the first minute!
This franchise guy Giannis Antetokounmpo shanks a pull-up jumper driving to the hoop! That's uncharacteristic!
This guy everybody knows Luka Dončić commits the 5-second violation! Clock management defense that's basically a suggestion!
Luka Dončić turns the head and loses the man! This established star napping defensively!
Giannis Antetokounmpo pulls up and drills a double-clutch layup! Can't teach that!
Halftime whistle. Hulk spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Intel: Hulk once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Giannis Antetokounmpo mouths off and picks up a T! Lack of consistency taking over!
This established star Luka Dončić throws up a prayer driving to the hoop! Not answered!
Thanos reads the defense perfectly! An off-the-charts basketball IQ and a sky-high basketball IQ!
This headliner Giannis Antetokounmpo can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Jesus Christ consoles teammates! The heart of a messiah in that moment!
Jesus Christ walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Luka Dončić drags one foot after the other. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
104-115 (L)
Jesus Christ, this solid build, takes the court! The Playoff atmosphere is electric!
Hulk forces a bad floater! This certified GOAT candidate needs to trust teammates!
This undisputed superstar Hulk with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Thanos, this do-it-all player, lets the shooter get free in the paint! Costly lapse!
Jesus Christ, this absolute legend, drills another and-one at half court! Automatic!
Break time. Jesus Christ bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Rumor has it Jesus Christ talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
This elite player Luka Dončić shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Luka Dončić takes a tough alley-oop and it doesn't go! Tendency to force bad shots in shot selection!
Thanos, this potential breakout star, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Ridiculous creativity!
Thanos misses from fatigue! This newcomer can't get the elevation off the pick and roll!
Thanos fades away to the tunnel in disappointment. This rising star will learn from this.
Jesus Christ's gaze is cold, distant. Luka Dončić's gaze is hot, angry. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
104-112 (L)
Game time! Jesus Christ and this basketball god ready to put on a show at the temple of basketball!
Luka Dončić, this titan, gets the look facing the rim but the lid's on the rim!
Hulk with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the hidden truth!
Thanos gambles for the steal and pays the price! Occasional mental lapses!
Hulk with the step-back layup! Creating space like a scientist with their lab notebook!
Finally a breather. Giannis Antetokounmpo has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Anecdote: Giannis Antetokounmpo tried to impress the Houston Blast-Off players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. We're back! The players look fired up.
This multi-time All-Star Giannis Antetokounmpo fouls hard out of frustration! Lack of consistency showing!
Giannis Antetokounmpo with a rough fadeaway jumper from the right corner! Tendency to rush at the worst time!
Thanos attacks to the weak side! This guy nobody was talking about exploiting the rotation!
This player nobody saw coming Thanos can't close out! The legs are shot under the basket!
This reliable star Luka Dončić tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Giannis Antetokounmpo and Luka Dončić walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
82-113 (L)
Jesus Christ steps onto the palace of hoops! From competing the game to this, game time!
Giannis Antetokounmpo blows past but the shot rims out! Heavy feet rears its ugly head!
Jesus Christ throws it away! Injury-prone body under pressure at half court!
Giannis Antetokounmpo gets crossed over! This elite player left frozen from way beyond the arc!
Luka Dončić attacks the towel! This franchise guy showing shaky emotions under pressure!
Halftime. Hulk throws his towel on the floor walking in. Small detail: Hulk whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Hulk misfires from the left corner! Even this generational talent has off nights!
This raw talent Thanos is a warrior but the body says no! This ball game of war!
Hulk, this swiss-army-knife type, gets stripped on the low block! Heavy feet exposed!
Hulk can't hide the frustration! Their lab notebook frustration meets the damn ball frustration!
Jesus Christ looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a messiah!
Luka Dončić's complexion is grey. Jesus Christ's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. I got a text from Luka Dončić after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
92-100 (L)
Tip-off! Giannis Antetokounmpo gets us started! Let's go!
Brick! Giannis Antetokounmpo misfires under the basket! Tendency to rush at the worst time!
Hulk trips up in the restricted area! A scientist never trips at work... Right?
Hulk left in the dust! Even a scientist moves faster than that!
Luka Dončić lets fly the pill with flair and hits a buzzer beater! Sensational!
Coach calls everyone back. Giannis Antetokounmpo drags his feet toward the tunnel. True story: Giannis Antetokounmpo walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against New York Over-Timers. Awkward. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Luka Dončić gets a technical for complaining! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Luka Dončić rushes a devastating dunk at the top of the key! Lack of consistency creeping in!
This absolute legend Jesus Christ attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Thanos spins sluggishly! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up with this diamond in the rough!
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, hangs the head. Tough loss despite eyes in the back of the head effort.
Jesus Christ's eyes are red, jaw tight. Giannis Antetokounmpo apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
74-119 (L)
Luka Dončić, this tower, is introduced and the arena explodes! This max-contract guy is in the building!
The rim rejects Hulk! The rim says no! Even a scientist gets rejected sometimes!
This big-name player Luka Dončić dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Jesus Christ gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Hulk slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a scientist hits the workbench!
Halftime. Hulk wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Anecdote: Hulk lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Luka Dončić takes off the rock into nothing! Hot head on full display tonight!
Jesus Christ is running on fumes! The messiah tank is completely empty!
Thanos, this combo guard, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted back to the basket!
Jesus Christ looks to the heavens! A messiah praying for their bare hands to work!
Jesus Christ hangs their head! A messiah who gave everything they had!
Hulk hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Jesus Christ keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. I got a text from Hulk after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
89-134 (L)
Giannis Antetokounmpo takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Luka Dončić fires a pull-up jumper from the right corner but can't connect! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
Hulk tries to be too fancy and loses the pill! Injury-prone body in the decision-making!
This franchise guy Luka Dončić fouls reaching in! Injury-prone body on defense!
This hungry young player Thanos slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
End of the first act. Jesus Christ is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Rumor has it Jesus Christ tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Break's over, the players take their positions.
Luka Dončić goes to work and fires but misses everything! Ego the size of Texas tonight!
Hulk, this absolute legend, is dragging! The 4 periods of 12 minutes minutes taking their toll!
Giannis Antetokounmpo charges right into the defender! Turnover! Occasional mental lapses when controlling pace!
Hulk argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to discoverring the hidden truth!
This established star Luka Dončić stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this established star wanted.
Hulk mutters while walking out. Jesus Christ watches from the corner of his eye, worried. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
86-113 (L)
Hulk checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Giannis Antetokounmpo crosses over but it's well off! Injury-prone body under fatigue!
Giannis Antetokounmpo, this colossus, commits the travel! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the footwork!
Hulk overcommits! Going all-in like a scientist on the hidden truth, but wrong!
Hulk, this franchise cornerstone, reads the play perfectly and delivers a scoop layup!
Break! Thanos takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. I've been told Thanos once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Luka Dončić, this tree of a man, shows negative body language! Lack of consistency creeping in!
Thanos, this all-around player, can't finish from downtown! That one stings!
Jesus Christ creates the switch! Smooth adjustment, messiah-level thinking!
Hulk gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from discoverring the hidden truth and hooping!
Giannis Antetokounmpo sits alone on the bench. This max-contract guy processing the defeat.
Thanos has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Hulk has aged ten years in forty minutes. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
81-126 (L)
Jesus Christ wins the opening tip! Tipping off with messiah energy!
Hulk gets blocked! Rejected harder than a scientist's worst day on the job!
Jesus Christ goes to work into a dead end from way beyond the arc! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Thanos gets caught flat-footed! This diamond in the rough beaten to the spot!
Giannis Antetokounmpo, this top-tier talent, refuses to high-five! Heavy feet hurting the chemistry!
Break. Giannis Antetokounmpo asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Did you know Giannis Antetokounmpo entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Luka Dončić launches the leather right into the defender's hands! Occasional mental lapses!
This guy nobody was talking about Thanos can barely jump! The springs are gone in transition!
Giannis Antetokounmpo throws it into the stands! What was that from this top-tier talent!
Hulk mouths off at the last second! A scientist venting about the hidden truth!
Thanos had the chances but couldn't convert. This guy nobody was talking about left wanting.
Jesus Christ takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Giannis Antetokounmpo follows the same path. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Luka Dončić.
Season journal
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